OLYMPIC ROUND-UP

Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympic athlete in history, with a record-breaking 21 medals.  All the other countries are petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Phelps wear all his medals in the water from now on, just to slow him down.

Gold-medal winning gymnast Gabby Douglas has become a media sensation.  You can’t hear a newscast or talk show these days without comments on Gabby’s flips, twists, and curls – but those were just the jealous people, making fun of her hair.

            “Nothing But Net” or “Birdie Lays an Egg”

A scandal broke this week when female badminton players from China, Japan, and Indonesia were disqualified when they tried to throw their first match in order to be placed against easier opponents.  In high schools, this is known as the “get out of gym class” strategy.

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to badminton since it was revealed that the “birdie” used in play is really called a shuttlecock.

Valentines, China, and Spoken Word Grammy

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/alaskans-are-first-gay-couple-wed-at-empire-state-building/1#.TzrqO8U192A

For the first time, The Empire State Building hosted same sex weddings for Valentine’s Day, including 2 women.  Onlookers were surprised to see the female couple atop such a tall and iconic erection.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/02/white-house-begins-wooing-chinas-next-president/1#.TzrpmsU192A

Vice President Biden met with China’s Vice President Xi Jinping at the White House today.  Jinping is the next likely leader of China, so it made sense for Biden to meet him, so Jinping can get used to Americans kissing his ass.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/mitt-romney-auto-bailouts-detroit-news-/1#.Tzrp58U192A

Mitt Romney is campaigning hard in Michigan, the state where he was born, but where he now seems to be trailing in polls behind Rick Santorum.  Not helping Romney is his harsh criticism of the bailout of the automotive industry in Detroit, and his shunning of cars in general, preferring to travel by balloon on his own hot air.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/02/betty-white-takes-ego-trip-with-grammy-sag/1#.Tzr4y8U192A

At Sunday Night’s Grammy Awards, Betty White won the award for Best Spoken Word album, for her audio collection of humorous anecdotes If You Ask Me (and of Course You Won’t).  Betty celebrated her win like many Grammy winners, with drugs and hookers in her limo.

"Foreign Relations"

http://www.usatoday.com/money/advertising/story/2011-11-16/benetton-fake--kissing-ads/51244712/1

In a new campaign, Benetton ads show several doctored pictures in which it appears that pairs of top world leaders are kissing on the mouth, including one with President Obama and Chinese Leader Hu Jintao.  It’s obvious the photos are fake; if they were real, Obama would be kissing China’s ass.

The one obvious pair of political figures missing from the collection is Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton.  Not even Photoshop could get those two to lock lips.

“Chinese Idol X'ed"

Chinese censors have cancelled the country's version of "American Idol".  The government there doesn't want to air anything that encourages voting or pursuing your dreams.

“Idol” would have been a bit different in China, anyway.  Instead of poor singers being critiqued by celebrity judges, after their performance they are declared enemies of the state and put in prison for 7 to 10 years.

The Chinese version would have been closer to “North Korean Idol,” which is judged every year and won by Kim Jong Il.

“What’s the Big Ikea?”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2021607/First-fake-Apple-stores-China-fake-Ikea-shop-Kunming.html

In China, where knock-off Apple stores were recently revealed, a fake Ikea store has now been discovered.  Customers began to realize that the store wasn’t an authentic Ikea when they got home their new furniture didn’t immediately fall apart.

“Kidn-App”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/atlantic/20110602/tc_atlantic/chineseteenagerreportedlysellskidneyipad238402;_ylt=Au6ms8XynkunkR8_qGlI.l.b.HQA;_ylu=X3oDMTRjM2YzM3B2BGFzc2V0A2F0bGFudGljLzIwMTEwNjAyL2NoaW5lc2V0ZWVuYWdlcnJlcG9ydGVkbHlzZWxsc2tpZG5leWlwYWQyMzg0MDIEY2NvZGUDb2ZmZ21wZXNwaWtpbmcEY3BvcwMxBHBvcwMxBHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDY2hpbmVzZXRlZW5h

A teenager in China sold one of his kidneys in order to buy an iPad 2.  It was worth it.  After all, you can’t watch hi-def movies on your kidney.

Sadly, the patient who received that kidney was hungry for another an hour later.

It was his left kidney because in China they don’t have any rights.

“Spreading the Seed”

Watermelons on farms all across China have been exploding after many farmers gave them an overdose of growth chemicals.  In a related story, Chinese men are thinking twice about taking penis enlargement pills.

“Fish Hook”

Vendors in China have begun selling key chains that contain live fish.  So if you're in China and you can't find your keys, the cat took them.

A living fish is swimming in your keychain.  The idea is to make you feel better in case you ever drop your keys in the ocean.

Asked why they put tiny fish in carry-size tanks, the inventor said, “Because, if we put them in a little cage, they’d die.”

“3X-rated” or “Triple D Movie"

In China, a 3D porn film will be released in theaters next week. It's called Avatar: The FanBoys' Cut.

"Little Gay Mouse"

Scientists in China have bred mice to be gay by making their brains unreceptive to serotonin. To measure their success, they exposed the mice to cats, and the gay mice were all afraid of the pussies.

One way to tell if a mouse is gay is if he walks around shirtless, wearing red, skin-tight short-shorts.

"Chinese Secret" or

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/did-chinese-tv-slip-a-top-gun-clip-into-its-air-force-report/1

The Wall Street Journal reported that a video of a Chinese air force training exercise actually included carefully edited movie footage from an action sequence in the film Top Gun. When you look closely at the Chinese video, you can tell they aren’t Chinese pilots, because the Top Gun footage is from the beach volleyball scene.

As a result of the training video, Chinese pilots aerial maneuvers have improved and their ground maneuvers have become much more homoerotic.

China hopes that their displays of skill and air power will enable them to hook up with Kelly McGillis.

The Chinese government only did it because the pilots in their training program had lost that lovin' feeling.

“Training Pants”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/naked-chinese-man-a-folk-hero-after-being-denied-train-ticket/1

A Chinese man denied a train ticket in Zhejiang became a viral sensation and folk hero after he stripped to his under wear in the train station in protest. Once he took off his pants, passengers were warned not to touch the third rail.

Video of the man went viral after they got a good shot of the caboose.

“Stealth Photography”

Photos have appeared online that suggest that China has developed a new Stealth Fighter. It looks a lot like an American stealth fighter, except with a giant, paper dragon head.

"Nobel Prison Prize"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-12-10-nobel-award-ceremony_N.htmThe Nobel

Peace Prize ceremony took place Friday, but the winner, Chinese literary critic Liu Xiaobo, was not able to accept it in person, since he is in prison in China for speaking out against the government. Liu has asked the Nobel committee to send the medal to him, secretly requesting that they hide a file inside it.

The prize itself is a medal, but it also comes with a $1.4 million award. Liu says he is unconcerned with the money, but he hopes the medal can be shaped into a skeleton key.

“Chinese Secret”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/young-asian-boards-flight-to-canada-in-eerily-lifelike-disguise-as-elderly-male/1

A young Chinese man disguised as an elderly Caucasian man boarded a plane from Hong Kong to Canada to declare refugee status. Airline officials were fooled by his convincing “old man” prosthetic mask, though his hands looked too young for him to be old, and he was too polite to be American.

The incident raises safety concerns. Not only regarding airport security, but since the mask came from China, it probably contains lead paint.

The story has excited the imagination of mystery lovers. The mystery: why would anyone want to go to Canada?

China plans to use this aging make-up technology to get 14-year-olds into the next Olympics.

“Chinese Fortune”

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english2010/china/2010-10/26/c_13576310.htm

In China, a 10-year old boy who fell out of a 20^th floor window miraculously survived with no fractures. The odds of surviving were in his favor, since he had a one-in-a-billion chance.

The boy’s name was not released, but he was described as being short and slender, with straight black hair and brown eyes.

All of China was concerned when they heard about the child’s fall. At least, once they learned that it was a boy.

The Chinese government will help nurse the boy back to health, and then immediately force him to begin training as an Olympic pole-vaulter.

“Speaking, Chinese”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101013/ap_on_re_as/as_china_free_speech

Elder members of China’s Communist party issued a statement favoring greater freedom of speech, or so Chinese media were forced to report without confirming.

October 8

“Plan Bee”

At a Florida airport, thousands of bees were found trying to nest on the wing of a plane. The FAA is demanding an answer the question, "How did they get their stingers through security?"

The bees are being carefully watched, because if they produce more than 4 ounces of honey it will be confiscated and disposed of.

The bees were last seen grabbing two beers and yelling "I quit,” over the PA system.

“No-Beller Prize”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/nobel_peace_prize

The 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner is Liu Xiaobo, who is in a Chinese prison for campaigning for political reform in that country. In prison, Liu calls for peaceful political change, but can’t do anything. Last year’s winner was President Obama, who also called for change, but then also can’t seem to do anything.

Vice president Joe Biden was upset. Since Obama got the Nobel last year, Biden figured he should have had it in the bag this year.

“Dangerous Games”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2010-10-08-rushdie_N.htm

Author Salman Rushdie has a new book out this week, Luka and the Fire of Life. Rushdie says the novel was inspired by video game adventures, and for this Zelda, Lara Kroft, and the Mario Brothers have already called for his death.

Rushdie says he will now go back into hiding, which is what he calls The World of Warcraft.

“See Rick Run… at the Mouth”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-10-08-sanchez_N.htm

In an interview on Good Morning America, former CNN host Rick Sanchez admitted that he “screwed up” by making comments criticizing Jon Stewart and making thinly veiled references to Jewish people “running the media.” Hoping to be re-hired in television, Sanchez has apologized, is brushing up his resume, and plans to learn ass-kissing phrases in Yiddish.

Jokes 10.08.10

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“Piercing Stare”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/nc-teen-suspended-for-her-nose-piercing-is-ordered-readmitted-/1

A North Carolina teen was readmitted to her high school following a suspension over her refusal to remove a nose piercing, which she says she wears as a member of the Church of Body Modification, an organization supporting all types of tattoo and body-piercing forms of expression. No one is sure how the church got their hooks into her.

The girl has been suspended 4 times, missing 21 days of school. Said the vice-principal: “Besides her nose piecing, she also has a big holes in her attendance record. Good luck getting a good job with THAT.”

“Dora Mighty Sor-a”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-10-07-dora-explorer-lawsuit_N.htm

Caitlin Sanchez, the teen actress who voices Dora the Explorer is suing Nickelodeon, saying the kids network owes her million of dollars for reruns, DVD sales, merchandise, and more. The network says they don’t have the money – it was stolen by Swiper the Fox.

She’s also suing Backpack for unwanted physical contact on the set.

Meanwhile, he sidekick Boots is tired of being treated like a performing monkey.

“Slow Road to China”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100823/sc_afp/chinaroadtraffic

In China, The Beijing-Tibet expressway was clogged with traffic that stretched 62 miles and took 9 days to get through. Officials had no way to resolve the traffic jam, so state media just called it the world’s longest parade.

With motorists stuck on the road, local merchants sold them water and food at inflated prices. In other words, we finally found a way to get the Chinese to adopt capitalism.