OLYMPIC ROUND-UP

Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympic athlete in history, with a record-breaking 21 medals.  All the other countries are petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Phelps wear all his medals in the water from now on, just to slow him down.

Gold-medal winning gymnast Gabby Douglas has become a media sensation.  You can’t hear a newscast or talk show these days without comments on Gabby’s flips, twists, and curls – but those were just the jealous people, making fun of her hair.

            “Nothing But Net” or “Birdie Lays an Egg”

A scandal broke this week when female badminton players from China, Japan, and Indonesia were disqualified when they tried to throw their first match in order to be placed against easier opponents.  In high schools, this is known as the “get out of gym class” strategy.

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to badminton since it was revealed that the “birdie” used in play is really called a shuttlecock.

“Doing the Robot”

Japanese scientists announced they have produced a robot that can think on its own.  The robot's first independent thought: it doesn't want to have sex with Japanese men.

“Rocket to Fame”

http://news.discovery.com/tech/new-rocketplane-could-fly-paris-tokyo-116020.html

This week a European airline announced new “rocket plane” that can fly from Paris to Tokyo in under three hours.  And as soon as it hits Tokyo, expect Japan to counter-strike.

Even though it takes less than 3-hours to get to Tokyo, it takes twice as long to air out the smell of the French passengers.

"Glowing Review"

As the situation at the Japanese nuclear plant escalates, experts are telling west coast residents not to worry about radiation exposure. So Californians just went right back to tanning.

“Sumo, Sue Me”

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/fe ... tion-japan

The Japanese Sumo Association canceled a big tournament in Japan next month as it copes with a match-fixing scandal. Fans had begun to suspect that the matches were fixed when several giant Sumo champions were defeated by Mary-Kate Olsen.

Fixed Sumo wrestling is the sports world's biggest scandal, at least by weight.

“Project of Mammoth Proportions”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/japansciencemammoth

Researchers in Japan announced plans to use genetic engineering to bring the extinct woolly mammoth back to life in five years. Then Sarah Palin wants to shoot it.

So far, the big mystery is figuring out why Japanese men want to have sex with a mammoth.

"Made In Japan"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110101/ap_on_re_as/as_japan_population

The population of Japan shrunk for the 4^th year in a row, in 2009, because deaths outnumbered births by 123,000. Japanese doctors are working to combat the top causes of death, heart attack, stroke, and being eaten by Godzilla.

Trying to increase their population numbers, from now on Japan plans to count all Sumo wrestlers as 2 people.

The Japanese government issued a statement, asking the world to think of Japan in terms of its culture and history, science and technology, and strong economy and business savvy, and not their shrinking population and tiny penises.

A shrinking Japan alarmed many around the world, because Japanese people already tend to be so small.

Here in America, the reaction to the news has mostly been confusion, since most Americans think Japan and China are the same place.

“Harbor Resentment”

Tuesday, Dec 7 marked the anniversary of Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor, which prompted The United States entry into World War II. Young Americans acknowledged the anniversary this week by entering into the World of Warcraft.

American public schools admit that they don’t place a lot of emphasis on Pearl Harbor, mainly because it makes the students think Hitler was Japanese.

“In Japan”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-09-21-paris-hilton-japan_N.htm

Paris Hilton was detained in Tokyo while Japanese officials debated whether or not to allow her into the country. Her recent drug charge plea in Las Vegas, means immigration authorities could deny her entry. But really, it’s just that the Japanese just have higher cultural standards than the U.S..

It would be ironic if Japan denied Paris entry, because Paris has ever denied anyone entry.

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007

A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.

Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.

Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.

Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.



A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.



Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.



About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.