“Hall of Television”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/06/arsenio-hall-returning-to-late-night-tv/1#.T9-vahc192A

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.

“Forest Chump”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/german-forest-boy-mystery-solved-dutch-youth-made-it-up/1#.T9tvWxc192A

After almost a year, the young man who had become famous as Germany’s “Forest Boy,” claiming to have lived in a tent in the woods for 5 years, has admitted that he made the whole thing up.  Police had been unable to see the forest through the trees.

The 20-year-old from the Netherlands will now be known as “The Lying Dutchman.”

Berlin Police had been suspicious of the young man’s story, but they had no ways of making him talk.

Dutch authorities are now wondering what happened to his sister, who was last seen in the forest on her way to a house made of gingerbread.

“Saint or Ain’t?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47822985/ns/technology_and_science-science/

Researchers say that bones that were found in a sarcophagus in an ancient church in Bulgaria may belong to St. John the Baptist.  The ID may be premature.  Their conclusion is based solely on the fact that the bones were found with a squirt gun.

The evidence the researchers  have are 6 bone fragments from an 1^st Century Middle Eastern male, and a drivers license that says John the Baptist.

The human bone fragments were side by side with 3 animal bones.  Some religious groups are hoping the animals  turn out to be 2,000 year-old dinosaurs. 

“Heart Vader”

http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Darth-Vader-Kid-Undergoes-Successful-Heart-Surgery-159139125.html

Max Page, the 7-year-old boy who, in 2011, played little Darth Vader in a hit Superbowl commercial for Volkswagon is recovering following successful surgery to replace a heart valve Thursday.   Fortunately, he hasn’t turned to the Dark Side.

The new heart valve is by Volkswagon.

The Sith would love to really get their hands on little Max, but they won’t be able to turn the Page.

His doctors are recommending that in order to heal, he needs to get lots of rest, take his meds, and use the Force.

Some were worried Max might not pull through.  Max answered them with, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Fortunately, young Vader has the best doctors on Tattooine.

George Lucas plans to go back and digitally alter Max’s heart so it never had a defect, as he originally intended.

In a somewhat related story, former child actor Jake Lloyd spent the week in good health, on a rented couch in his underwear.

“Deportment of Homeland Security”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/15/12240894-skepticism-joy-among-illegal-immigrants-over-obama-decision?lite

On Friday, President Obama announced that the government will no longer seek to deport illegal aliens under 30 if they came to the U.S. as children.  Proving to birthers that he was born in Kenya.

Obama’s move will halt undocumented immigrants from facing deportation, and will allow them work permits under certain conditions.  Condition 1: they have to vote for him.

This is Obama’s second major win in solving the illegal immigration problem.  The first was curbing the desire to sneak into America, since there are no jobs.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney’s idea of solving the problem of illegal immigration is to outsource all jobs to Mexico.

“R.I.P. – An End to ‘The Feud’”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/richard-dawson-dies-family-feud-hogans-heroes-obituary-332426

Richard Dawson, longtime host of Family Feud, has died at the age of 79.  He’d had brushes with death before, but this was his third strike.

Richard now moves on to the afterlife.  Or as he would call it, the Big Money Round.

As he now ascends and is greeted by angels, he will kiss each and every one on the lips.

We surveyed 100 people, asking “Where is Richard Dawson now?”  “Heaven” was the number-1 answer.

“Presidential Post”

http://www.buzzfeed.com/zekejmiller/president-barack-obama-writes-fifth-grader-an-awes

President Barack Obama wrote a note for a 5^th grade student to excuse him for missing class after the boy’s father introduced the president for a speech in Minnesota.  According to the Republicans, the president is used to making excuses.

The note from Obama sais that it wasn’t young Tyler’s fault that he was absent from class.  The fault rested with the previous administration.

Since the problem was missing class, the richest Americans are trying to simplify matters by eliminating the middle class.

“Good Sho”

 http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/child-prodigy-sho-yano-earns-medical-doctorate-at-age-21/1?csp=obnetwork#.T84wWLA192A

Sho Yano, a child prodigy who began college at age 9 and already has PhD’s in both molecular genetics and cell biology, is about to graduate from medical school at the University of Chicago.  He has also earned a minor in showing off.

Once he has his medical degree, he’ll change his name to Doogie Yano.

"Lantern Pride" or "Green Light in the Loafers"

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=732896

In DC Comics reboot of its comic book universe, it has made the Green Lantern of Earth 2 gay.  Or their just assuming he is based on the costume.

Apparently, the Green Lantern Corps, who defend the universe, just got rid of their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

DC isn’t sure how many people will buy the new comic, but many of his fans are at least buy-curious.

The source of the hero’s power is his lantern’s magic flame.  That power remains his as long as the flaming lasts.

Green Lantern won’t rest until he captures Sinestro, the guy in the skintight bodysuit, who has an oversized, pink head.

Gay advocacy groups are worried about stereotyping.  Why does the gay superhero have to be the one wearing jewelry?

The Green Lantern doesn't just want to be friends with the other Justice League members, he want to be Super Friends.

As an openly gay hero, Green Lantern is trying to encourage Batman and Robin to come out of the cave.

The gay Green Lantern is already embracing the wilder side of the lifestyle.  For instance, he no longer sports his power ring on his hand.

"Spell Check”

http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/30/tech/mobile/amercia-romney-iphone-app/index.html

Mitt Romney’s iPad app had an embarrassing misspelling, promising a “A better Amercia,” reversing the c and i.  Dick Cheney is sticking up for his fellow Republican, noting than when he was in power, he was l slowly turning all of America into the CIA.

Romney tried to diffuse the mistake by saying that, if elected, he’ll place more emphasis on educashuns.

Mitt thinks that statistics will help his case.  His new website says he’s even running for President of the United Stats of America.

Critics are asking why Romney didn’t have someone proofread the text, but as Republicans have said since Gitmo and the Patriot Act, you don’t need proof.

Meanwhile, Romney’s poll numbers have sharply increased in the small island nation of Amercia.

It was surprising that Mitt didn’t have auto-correct, especially since he claims to have saved the entire auto industry.

Romney admits that he misspelled America, but he won’t admit that he is misreading it.

The corrected app now promising that Mitt will build a better United Stakes.

“Pole Vault”

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/05/30/white-house-says-obama-misspoke-after-poles-demand-apology-over-polish-death/?test=latestnews#ixzz1wL8L8gTr

When President presented a Medal of Freedom to Polish war hero, Jan Karski, he mistakenly referred to “Polis Death Camps,” instead of Nazi death camps in occupied Poland during WWII.  Unfortunately, then he tried to break the tension by telling a bunch of ‘dumb Polack’ jokes.

Poland’s foreign minister Redek Sikorski called the incident a display of “ignorance and incompetence.”  The foreign minister made this comment while he and 3 of his countrymen tried to change a light bulb.

“Persian Bug”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/story/2012-05-29/middle-east-computer-virus/55267086/1

Iran and other countries in the Middle East have been hit by a versatile, spying computer virus.  Reports say the virus has affected 2 out of 5 computers in Iran.  Western intelligence was shocked to learn that Iran has 5 computers.

Tehran is blaming Israeli intelligence for their troubles, cursed their technology, and threatened to destroy the state of Israel and kill all of its citizens.  Or as they call that, Tuesday.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad is most upset over the fact that the virus has completely disrupted his viewing of camel porn.

"Matri-moany"

http://www.inquisitr.com/238748/obama-divorce-story-alleges-michelle-considered-leaving-president-in-2000/

A new book about President Obama claims that after his failed 2000 bid for Congress, the strain almost caused Barack and Michelle to get a divorce, which the First Couple say is not true.  Discussion of divorce is irrelevant though, say a group of Birthers, who claim the Obamas can’t prove that they were even married in America.

In a related story, Newt Gingrich always considered any political career struggle as an unofficial annulment of whatever marriage he happened to be in at the time.

HAPPY 5TH BLOG-O-VERSARY

Thank you to all my readers and supporters for 5 amazing years.
Since I began this blog, so much has happened, as proven by over 10,000 jokes on all kinds of news.
Some material appearing here has made it to Top Story! Weekly, Second City This Week, The David Feldman Show, Susie Sampson's "Tea Party Report," and more, as well as submissions to Conan, Real Time with Bill Mahar, and Lopez Tonight.
I hope to continue to write jokes until at least one person laughs.

"Coffee Life”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-05-11/coffee-drinkers-longer-life-expectancy/55024636/1

A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that coffee drinkers may live longer.  Actually, they still die, they just can’t close their eyes or stop trembling from the caffeine.

Doctors think that the secret is that coffee drinkers may be that, until they’ve had their first cup in the morning, they're dead.

Since participating in the study, several subjects haven’t been able to sleep.

Those who drink decaf also live longer, but they’re lives are empty and meaningless.

Obviously people who drink coffee live longer.  They are the ones who don’t fall asleep at the wheel.

This study contradicts the theory that people who hang out at Starbucks all day need to get a life.

“Text Book ‘Em””

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-05-15/texting-while-walking-illegal/54979480/1

Several states have begun to fine pedestrians for walking and texting, in order to prevent traffic accidents.  The message is, save the texting for when you’re safely behind the wheel.

In Utah and New Jersey, fines range from $50 to $85.  Reaction to these fines has ranged from LOL to OMG.

Angry mobile customers are blaming their service carriers, who promised them unlimited texting.

Also, a lot of tickets have been issued for sexting while crossing the street, but those were for indecent exposure.

“Advice Column”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/05/Sarah-Palin-vice-president-vetting-John-McCain--694923/1#.T7QW3ug192A

In a Wall Street Journal column, an advisor on John McCain’s 2008 election campaign revealed that, at the time Sarah Palin was chosen as his running mate, he called her, “high risk, high reward.”  That’s exactly the same way Levi Johnston described unprotected sex with Bristol Palin. 

“Tanned and Banned”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/05/burned-tan-mom-banned-from-scores-of-salons/1#.T6viZ-g192A

The so-called Tanning Mom, accused of bringing her 5 year old tanning, has been banned from dozens of New York and New Jersey salons since the story broke, with posters of her behind counters serving as notice not to serve her.  These serve the Tanning Mom as a burn notice.

On the flipside, her darkened skin may win her some type of celebrity endorsement deal, perhaps with, a wrinkle cream maker, a cooking oil company, or a leather tanning business.

“Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are”

http://now.msn.com/money/0510-fast-food-obesity-study.aspx

Washington University is offering $3,500 to participants in a 3-month obesity study, who have to be overweight and be willing to gain weight for the study. So far, the only people qualified for the study are all Americans.

As a bonus, they get to keep the money even if they die during the study.

Lots of volunteers are running to sign up.  Well, their walking and out of breath to sign up.

The study is being conducted by Washington University in St. Louis.  Who knew they were secretly owned by McDonald’s.

The researchers hope to learn more about the development of diabetes and cardiovascular problems.  Well, they’re gonna.

Similarly, when the same group wants to learn about guns, they’re just going to start shooting people.

The students conducting the study are majoring in irresponsibility.

When observers see an overweight person handed that easy $3500 , they are going to say, “Now that is a fat wad.”

"Old Maid"

A British cabaret singer says she is ready to lose her virginity  – at age 70.  She’s even willing to go to the drug store and buy the condoms, since she gets a senior discount.

She wants a guy who will be gentle the first time – so she doesn’t break a hip.

Of course it’s possible that she has had sex before, only now tht she’s 70 she doesn’t remember it.

At 70 years old, she still has a nickname for her breasts.  She calls them the Allied Powers.

Her vagina is called The Great Depression.

- Because she says it needs a New Deal.

She says she knows how to set the mood for company in the bedroom.  She put doilies on the pillows.