The late “Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley’s last will and testament was made public today. In it, she left millions of dollars to her brother, 2 of her 4 grandchildren, and a $12 million trust fund to her dog, a female Maltese named Trouble. Wow. What a bitch. The dog, I mean. She’s one lucky little bitch.
David Letterman will make his first appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show next month. Obviously, he is appearing to announce their engagement.
To prove beyond any dispute that their marriage plans are real, Letterman will jump up on the couch to declare his love for Oprah.
During the Miss Teen USA Pageant this week, Miss South Carolina flubbed answering to why a fifth of Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map. Her stammering has since become such a huge YouTube sensation; she has already been recruited as a new White House speech writer.
She grasped at straws, mentioning education in Iraq, South Africa, and Asian countries. More composed this morning on the Today show, she pointed out that since the pageant, she has learned that none of those countries are in North Carolina.
She still won 3rd runner-up, overall. So she doesn’t get the big scholarship money, but has learned from the experience. In the future, everywhere she goes, she will always have cue cards.
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