Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Teed Off

A new controversy faces the world of ladies’ golf, since it was revealed that the new winner of the Re/Max World Long Drive Championship, Lana Lawless, used to be a man. In fact, she was a SWAT policeman, but has long since retired her nightstick.

On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.

Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.

The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.

Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.

It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.

Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.

Save Ferris

In Singapore, 173 people became trapped when the world’s largest ferris wheel stopped working. Workers tried to fix it for hours, but they were just going in circles.

The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.

The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.

Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.

Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Snow Blower

In Anchorage, Alaska, Snowzilla, the famous 16-foot-plus snowman standing since 2005, had to be brought down due to a city abatement order, citing the structure as a public nuisance and safety hazard. Snowzilla is to be executed by electricity. Specifically: hair-dryer.

An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.

An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.

Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.

Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.

The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.

Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Crime Doesn't 'Pie'

A pizza delivery man was held up at gunpoint, but threw the hot pepperoni pizza at the gunman. The suspect fled the scene covered in pizza, but has been described as hot and delicious.

The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.

While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.

The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.

In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.

The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.

Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.

The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.

The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.

Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.

China: Largest Population & Growing

China is facing a drastic increase in obesity. More Chinese people have taken to bad eating habits, and Western fast food chains such as KFC are being pointed out as a partial cause. The problem is, when Chinese people eat American food, an hour later they are hungry again.

Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.

China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.

Court-ing Taxpayers

Illinois’ state Attorney General Lisa Madigan has denied Governor Rod Blogojevich’s lawyer’s request to have the state pay for his legal defense. That just doesn’t make sense, even by Blogojevich’s own logic. If the state picks up his bill, he’ll have to give every state resident their own Senate seat.

Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.

The Shoe Fits

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush and was subsequently arrested has said he regrets his actions and is asking to be pardoned. Some think he should go free. Others think the courts should sock it to him.

An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Saint Lewis

Comedian Jerry Lewis will be honored at February’s Academy Awards ceremony with Oscar’s Humanitarian Award in recognition of his work as national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. As a humanitarian, he will also not force anyone to watch any of his movies.

Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.

It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."

$mileys Aren't Free

A Russian businessman has attempted to trademark the semicolon-hyphen-right-parentheses that form the sideways, winking smiley-face commonly used in email and text messages, in the hopes of collecting massive royalties from licensing fees. Anyone looking sideways at the smiley should sue the symbol’s “owner” for neck strain.

The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.

This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!

Party Favors

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevish could be the 4th out of the last 8 Illinois governors to resign or be removed from office after getting caught in a corruption scandal. For you optimists keeping score, that’s still 4 that didn’t get caught.

Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.

The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.

As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.

Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Fire Ho's

It was reported in Los Angeles that the city’s oldest strip club, “The Body Shop” has closed down due to a fire. Fire-fighters were slow to put out the blaze because they first had to pay a cover and buy two drinks.

On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.

During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.

It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.

He's Lost his Charm, He's Lost his Appeal

Idaho Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to overturn his disorderly conduct conviction stemming from a gay sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last June. Craig did not seek reelection in November due to the scandal, and in January he will be coming out – of the Senate.

Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.

The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.

In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.

Friday, December 5, 2008

“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”

O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.

Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”

The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.

Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”

No'way, George!

In a London court today, singer Boy George was convicted of false imprisonment for cuffing and chaining a Norwegian male escort to a wall in his apartment and then hitting him with a chain following a cocaine-induced, pornographic photo session. The conviction is ironic, since the cuffing is the most legal and least offensive thing about that night.

Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.

French Rolled

In Paris yesterday, a gang of armed robbers pulled off a $100 million jewelry heist in broad daylight at a Harry Winston boutique. Two of the 4 male robbers were dressed in women’s clothes and wigs, which experts presume is so they can look pretty when they try on the jewelry.

The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.

The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.

Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.

Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.

Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Bail Out of Comedy Blog Demanded

Due to the current economic crisis, felt nationwide amid massive layoffs, roller-coaster stock prices, and shaky consumer confidence, not to mention tremendous media fear-mongering, I have reached an important decision. I have called on the United States government to bail out this blog.

Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.

Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.

If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.

This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?

The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.

So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.

So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.

I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.