“Affairs of State”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, whose whereabouts were unknown for 7 days, returned from a trip to Argentina admitting to having an extra-marital affair, or as fellow Republicans call it, “pulling a John Ensign.”

Sanford’s staff had told reporters that the missing governor, an avid hiker, was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. This was partly true, in that Sanford’s lover was working her way down his ‘happy trail.’

Sources say that after Sanford’s wife learned of the affair, she told him to take a hike.

Sanford recently tried to block federal stimulus money for his state but was defeated by a court order. At the time, no one knew he was getting his own stimulus on the side.

The second-term governor is not eligible to run for reelection in 2010, and in light of the news of his affair, he has been labeled The Lamest Duck.

Now that Governor Sanford has let down his state, embarrassed his party, and hurt his wife and children, his most likely move is to run for Senate.