Thursday, January 29, 2009

A (-hole) Rod

Rod Blagojevich was removed as governor today following the Illinois senate vote ending his impeachment trial. Blagojevich claimed that he has “done absolutely nothing wrong.” Sure, he put Barack Obama’s Senate seat up for sale, but hey, nobody bought it.

He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.

Name Blame

A new study from Social Science Quarterly says that boys with uncommon names are more likely to commit a crime than boys with popular names. I guess that explains what went wrong with Adolph and Benito.

Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.

The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.

This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”

No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.

Long Rodent to Recovery

In Spain, a new study found that stem cells can reverse paralysis in rats. The finding are very encouraging to the science and medical communities, but are being seen as a blow to opponents of stem cell research and people who hate rats.

Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.

They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

“Post Knows Bills”

Due to budget deficit concerns, the U.S. Postmaster requested of Congress today that mail delivery be cut to five days a week. The downside is that every disgruntled postal employee’s pay cut is going to require twice as much spending on Homeland Security.

The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.

Action (Against) Jackson

Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, over royalties from their collaborative music video, Thriller. Landis co-wrote the groundbreaking 80’s video, in which Jackson transformed into a freakish, skeletal creature that sang and danced, but caused teens to scream in terror. Jackson is counter-suing Landis for dooming him by predicting that future.

Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.

Cutting Down on Caffeine

Coffee giant Starbucks announced another 300 store closures in addition to the 600 already planned for this year. In their own terms, the company is scaling back from ‘Venti’ to ‘Grande.’

The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.

If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.

Monday, January 26, 2009

For the Birds

The FAA is getting ready to test a new radar system designed to track the flight of flocks of birds. In light of the Hudson River plane landing caused by birds earlier this month, fresh technologies may be a sign of this new presidential era. Bush just wanted to arrest the birds as terrorists.

Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.

Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.

Raising a Racket

Over the weekend at the Australian Open tennis tournament, Serena and Venus Williams’ doubles match was interrupted when a male streaker ran onto the court. No one stopped him because they just thought he was the ball boy.

The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’

It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.

It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”

Ritalin Me This

The FDA has determined that drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can have some serious side effects in rare cases. The bad news is, some ADHD patients experienced hallucinations. The good news is the patients paid no attention to them.

Booked on Charges

A woman in Iowa was arrested for failing to return a book to the library. Most shocking fact about the arrest: Apparently, people in Iowa can read.

The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.

The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.

The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.

Friday, January 23, 2009

“Making an Appointment”

The governor of New York has appointed U.S. Rep. Kristin Gillibrand to take Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, based on his primary criteria, selecting an individual who universally drew a response of “I’ve never heard of her in my life.”

Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”

“Cuban Export”

Fidel Castro told Argentina’s press office that he doesn’t expect to be around in another four years. Four years? What’s he worried about? Elections?

Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.

“Digital Clock Winding Down”

The Senate is trying to delay next months universal switch-over to all digital TV signals due to economic considerations. Opponents of the delay point at that if we were already digital, the Senate could just pause and rewind the decision to get rid of analog.

“Money Flushed Down the Toilet”

A New York landlord was forced to pay a $10,000 fine for removing the toilet from an apartment to try to force a tenant out. Meanwhile the tenant was forced to try to hold everything in.

The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.

The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dick on Wheels

Dick Cheney attended the inauguration ceremony pushed in a wheelchair. In an ironic twist, after pushing the country around for 8 years, he’s finally being pushed around.

Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…

Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.

Inaugural Change-of-Address

Today’s top news story is from Washington D.C.: heavy tourist traffic and the road closure of Pennsylvania Avenue has led to back-ups and delays in the surrounding area.

Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.

Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.

Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”

Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.

In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.

The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.

The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.

History is made.

Yes, history has been made, as this blog has now surpassed the milestone of over 1,000 jokes posted. Bask in the glow of this memorable moment.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Tapped Out

Beer sales have fallen off due to the sluggish economy, prompting layoffs at some smaller brewing companies. Of course, logic suggests that the people laid off will be depressed and therefore more likely to drink, pushing sales figures right back up.

Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.

Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.

Biggest City

Men’s Fitness Magazine has published a research study that reveals America’s fattest cities. Topping the list, surprisingly, is Miami, FL. The surprise is because we always just thought Miami was big boned.

Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.

Il Advised

Dictator Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his youngest son, Kim Jong Un, to succeed him as the leader of the country. Jong’s two older brothers plan to forever pretend to be happy for their younger sibling so that they won’t, you know, be killed.

The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.

Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.

Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.

Flush on Funds

A man armed with a gun attempting a bank robbery in Kentucky was foiled after walking in to find the bank had been converted into the town’s water department two weeks prior. His quick cash grab went down the drain.

The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.

Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.

Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.

The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.

On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Idol Threat

American Idol, which debuted its 8th season last night, is suing an Austin, Texas strip club for trademark violation over its “Stripper Idol,” in which the audience votes to award a cash prize to a weekly winner. Losers, by definition, then try to audition for the real American Idol.

The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.

Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.

How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.

The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.

Common Cold

Extremely cold weather has been hitting many areas across the country. To fight the cold, Al Gore is recommending that people up their fossil fuel use. “Screw conservation.”

North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.

Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.

In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.

New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.

People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.

The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.

Monday, January 12, 2009


A 107-year-old woman in China is looking for a husband. Wang Guiying has never been married and says she is seeking a man who is at least 100, so they will have things to talk about. Whatever, gold-digger.

Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.

A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.

Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.

If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.

Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.

The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.

Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.

With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.

Indigestion Proposal

In Normal, Illinois, a young couple married inside a local Taco Bell this past Friday. The couple originally thought about a more formal ceremony, but they felt McDonald’s was just too snooty.

Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.

So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.

Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.

At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.

This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.

After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”

Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.

At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.

Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.

Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.

After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Trial

Illinois legislators voted today to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich by a vote of 114 to 1. The only vote for him was from his own hair.

Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.

As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.

Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.

Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.

Gu Gu's Zoo Boo-boo

A giant panda named Gu Gu in the zoo in Beijing bit his third tourist. Public alarm has resulted in the zoo deciding to no longer feed him people.

Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.

In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.

In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.

These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.

Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Taken to the Cleaners

Former judge Roy Pearson of Washington, D.C. is appealing his unsuccessful $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaners over a lost pair of pants. Had Pearson won, the owner of the cleaners would have counter-sued for having lost his shirt.

Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.

Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.

Home Run!

A 72-year-old Fresno, CA woman found an old baseball card and tried to sell it on eBay for $10 before learning that it was a 139-year-old photograph of the first professional baseball team in history. The card’s actual value could be $100,000, which n this economy, still means she’ll have to sell it for 10 bucks.

The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!

If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Power Lunch

Barack Obama had lunch today with President Bush as well as former presidents Clinton, Bush Sr., and Carter. The five of them met privately to eat and talk, and then, in order to reflect the current national situation, President Bush stuck Obama with the bill.

The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.

Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!

Children's Children

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Mississippi now has the highest teen birth rate. This confirms what has long been suspected: being born in Mississippi is a disease.

It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.

The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

In the Spirit of Marriage

The Ghost Whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement to Scottish actor Ross McCall. Also, Medium’s Patricia Arquette and actor husband Thomas Jane filed for divorce today. So, in summary, if you’re on TV and you see dead people, it’s time to start seeing other people.

Minor Accident

A six-year-old Virginia boy who missed his school bus took the family car and drove himself several miles towards school, turns and all. He eventually crashed, but luckily received only a bump on the head. Police are checking his juice box for alcohol.

The boy said he learned to drive from playing video games like Grand Theft Auto. I hope his parents didn’t buy him any shooting games for Christmas.

Other motorists the boy passed had no idea there was a child behind the wheel, but suspected it was a boy, rather than a girl, when he refused to stop and get directions.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Franken's Time

In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.

From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.

Bauble Trouble

Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.

Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.

Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.

In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.

(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)

In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.

There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.


A Liberian woman who had illegally imported monkey meat to New York had her claim that it was to be eaten for spiritual purposes rejected by a federal judge. The only religious context most people have for monkeys is their 1960’s hit song, “I’m a Believer.”

The woman further claimed that the monkeys’ had no value other than as food, since they didn’t play their own instruments.

The judge said the woman’s faith was no excuse for failing to apply for special permits to import exotic food into the country. It may be that she was simply up to monkey business.

Speaking of unusual foods, it also may be that her famous tangy orange-tan sauce was, in fact, orangutan.

Health officials felt it necessary to warn consumers that eating primate meat may have negative side-effects, such as monkey-breath, and involuntarily flinging your own poo at people.

Friday, January 2, 2009

If the Shoe Fits

The head of a West Bank Palestinian family wants to offer a reward to the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last month: their daughter. She is being offered in marriage to the journalist. What parent doesn’t want their daughter’s husband to have a violent temper and a criminal record?

The offer includes the girl as his bride and a dowry for her. The journalist may accept if the dowry is, say, a new pair of shoes.

Butter than Nothing

A state legislator in Missouri plans to bring an end to an 1895 law banning yellow margarine, which at the time it was passed, was meant to protect the state’s dairy industry, but as the lawmakers have now become aware, cows don’t vote.

It may be that the anti-margarine law was drafted in reaction to Imperialism.

The specific ban against yellow margarine was to protect consumers from thinking they were buying butter. In modern times, though, the law just seems racist.

"Out-Cast" or, "In-Fidel-ity"

Cuba’s 50th Anniversary celebration of Fidel Castro’s communist revolution was not attended by Fidel himself. Most popular theory on his absence: nobody invites an 82-year old dictator who is going to harsh everyone’s buzz at the party.

The fact that Castro didn’t even show for TV cameras leads many to believe he was to ill to be seen. My personal opinion: he was just too ugly for TV.

Raul Castro spoke to the crowd and has been running the country since his brother Fidel took ill. Prior to that, Raul lived in hiding, in Fidel’s beard.