In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
Showing posts with label Political. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Political. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.
Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.
Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.
Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”
So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”
The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.
David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.
It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.
Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.
Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.
Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.
Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.
Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.
Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.
Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.
Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.
All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.
Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.
In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.
Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.
Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.
Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.
In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.
Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.
She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.
She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.
Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.
The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.
Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.
Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.
All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.
Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.
In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.
Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.
Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.
Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.
In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.
Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.
She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.
She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.
Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.
The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Former senator and actor Fred Thompson has officially announced his run for the presidency. Initial polling showed that if the election were held today, more people would vote for Thompson than any other cast member from Law & Order SVU, except Ice-T.
China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.
In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.
With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.
The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.
He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.
China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.
In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.
With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.
The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.
He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Astronomers have discovered a big hole in the universe, and have no explanation so far for how or why it came to be there. Then they remembered that one day the universe got snagged on the corner of that file cabinet, and the hole probably just grew from there.
The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.
The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.
Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.
Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.
The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.
Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.
Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.
Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.
The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.
The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.
Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.
Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.
The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.
Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.
Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.
Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
From Today's News (Part 2)
Idaho’s senior Senator, Larry Craig ha spoken out about his arrest and guilty plea for disorderly conduct involving soliciting an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom in June. He says the incident was a misunderstanding. He went into the Men’s room hoping to meet a man who wasn’t a cop.
Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.
Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.
The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.
Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.
Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.
Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.
His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.
Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.
Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?
Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.
Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.
The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.
Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.
Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.
Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.
His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.
Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.
Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?
From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2007
The story broke today that Senator Larry Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct after trying to initiate lewd conduct with an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom back in June. Though the details have finally come out, the senator has not.
The police officer stated that Senator Craig ran his hand under the stall several times, and peeked through the crack in the partition at the officer inside. Maybe he was looking for a campaign contribution.
Senator Craig said he just bent down to pick up a piece of paper, but the officer said there was no paper on the floor. Here, I have to side with the senator. Have you ever seen an airport bathroom where there wasn’t paper on the floor?
The senator had moved his foot into the next stall, touching the officer’s foot with his own. The senator later tried to explain that his foot touched because he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom. Sounds like a pretty big stretch.
Not only is that a terrible defense for a senator, it’s a very disturbing visual. Even if that’s true, that should still warrant an Ethics Committee investigation.
Despite pleading guilty, Senator Craig, a conservative known for voting against same-sex marriages and other gay-rights issues, says he did nothing wrong and that his actions were misinterpreted by the officer. The hunky, hunky officer.
Craig, age 62, is married, has 3 grown children, and 9 grandchildren. Of course, you can learn more details by checking out his profile on PublicBathroomManLove.com.
Craig is up for re-election in 2008. Based on this scandal, it is unknown at this point if he plans, in the future, to offer up his seat.
With the guilty plea and the moral blot on his record, Craig’s best strategy to gain support and win reelection is simple: run as a Democrat.
The police officer stated that Senator Craig ran his hand under the stall several times, and peeked through the crack in the partition at the officer inside. Maybe he was looking for a campaign contribution.
Senator Craig said he just bent down to pick up a piece of paper, but the officer said there was no paper on the floor. Here, I have to side with the senator. Have you ever seen an airport bathroom where there wasn’t paper on the floor?
The senator had moved his foot into the next stall, touching the officer’s foot with his own. The senator later tried to explain that his foot touched because he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom. Sounds like a pretty big stretch.
Not only is that a terrible defense for a senator, it’s a very disturbing visual. Even if that’s true, that should still warrant an Ethics Committee investigation.
Despite pleading guilty, Senator Craig, a conservative known for voting against same-sex marriages and other gay-rights issues, says he did nothing wrong and that his actions were misinterpreted by the officer. The hunky, hunky officer.
Craig, age 62, is married, has 3 grown children, and 9 grandchildren. Of course, you can learn more details by checking out his profile on PublicBathroomManLove.com.
Craig is up for re-election in 2008. Based on this scandal, it is unknown at this point if he plans, in the future, to offer up his seat.
With the guilty plea and the moral blot on his record, Craig’s best strategy to gain support and win reelection is simple: run as a Democrat.
Monday, August 20, 2007
From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007
A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.
Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.
Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.
A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.
About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.
The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.
The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?
A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.
A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.
As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.
The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.
Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.
The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.
The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.
The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?
A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.
A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.
As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.
The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.
Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.
The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.
Monday, August 13, 2007
From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 13, 2007
White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove announced today that he is stepping down at the end of this month. President Bush has not yet decided on a replacement, but when he does, out of habit, Rove will leak the name.
The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.
Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.
Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”
Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.
Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.
Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.
The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.
There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.
...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.
In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.
Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.
Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.
The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.
Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.
Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”
Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.
Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.
Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.
The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.
There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.
...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.
In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.
Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.
Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.
Friday, August 10, 2007
From Today's News, Aug. 10, 2007
While surrounded by paparazzi, Britney Spears hit a parked car while parking to do some shopping in Studio City, CA. Wow. Look how far she has to go now, to divert photographers from noticing whether or not she’s wearing underwear.
She left no note and made no attempt to contact the owner of the car she scraped. Maybe she didn’t notice the damage, or maybe she did but thought, “Oh, it’s nothing worth shaving your head over.”
Okay, so she hit a parked car. Give her a break. It’s the only hit she’s had in 3 years.
You know, this little car accident seems to be the perfect analogy for her life on the whole. No, wait. THAT’s a train wreck.
Congress is considering a measure to raise federal tax on cigarettes to $1 a pack. If the tax hike passes, economic experts say that the best way for smokers to save money is to just switch to crack.
A new warning on packs will say; Cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your wealth.
The rise in the cost of cigarettes will have other effects. Prisons have been warned to be on the lookout for counterfeit smokes being used as currency.
As the cost of cigarettes increases, it does become a bigger burden or lower-income smokers, household budgets result in two opposing scenarios: #1, people try to cut down or quit smoking, and #2, Tobacco-whores.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was admitted to a hospital in Italy earlier this week, is still being kept for observation. Through his wife he told reporters he expects to be released in the coming days. Also, she said he’s doing better, ending the conversation on a high note.
Pavoratti has not performed live, publicly since his pancreatic cancer surgery last year, but has continued to work on music recordings. It’s not the same, but it’s his choice how to conduct himself.
The U.S. Army is pulling extra staff into recruitment to try to meet their goal of 80,000 new personnel per year. Most of the people being shifted to recruiting seem optimistic. A spokesman for the department said, “Hey, it beats going to Iraq!”
The army has used successful slogans in the past, such as “Be all you can be.” “Army of one,” and the more recent “Not just strong. Army strong.” Now they’re going to a new one: “Got war?”
She left no note and made no attempt to contact the owner of the car she scraped. Maybe she didn’t notice the damage, or maybe she did but thought, “Oh, it’s nothing worth shaving your head over.”
Okay, so she hit a parked car. Give her a break. It’s the only hit she’s had in 3 years.
You know, this little car accident seems to be the perfect analogy for her life on the whole. No, wait. THAT’s a train wreck.
Congress is considering a measure to raise federal tax on cigarettes to $1 a pack. If the tax hike passes, economic experts say that the best way for smokers to save money is to just switch to crack.
A new warning on packs will say; Cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your wealth.
The rise in the cost of cigarettes will have other effects. Prisons have been warned to be on the lookout for counterfeit smokes being used as currency.
As the cost of cigarettes increases, it does become a bigger burden or lower-income smokers, household budgets result in two opposing scenarios: #1, people try to cut down or quit smoking, and #2, Tobacco-whores.
Luciano Pavoratti, who was admitted to a hospital in Italy earlier this week, is still being kept for observation. Through his wife he told reporters he expects to be released in the coming days. Also, she said he’s doing better, ending the conversation on a high note.
Pavoratti has not performed live, publicly since his pancreatic cancer surgery last year, but has continued to work on music recordings. It’s not the same, but it’s his choice how to conduct himself.
The U.S. Army is pulling extra staff into recruitment to try to meet their goal of 80,000 new personnel per year. Most of the people being shifted to recruiting seem optimistic. A spokesman for the department said, “Hey, it beats going to Iraq!”
The army has used successful slogans in the past, such as “Be all you can be.” “Army of one,” and the more recent “Not just strong. Army strong.” Now they’re going to a new one: “Got war?”
Thursday, August 9, 2007
From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007
The Bush administration said today that they have a new plan to fight Afghanistan’s poppy farming, which contributes to much of the world’s illegal drug trade. This will be a blow for poppy production profiteers like the Taliban insurgency, and, of course, the Wicked Witch of the West.
The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.
One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.
An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.
The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.
The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”
At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!
A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.
Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.
The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!
The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.
One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.
An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.
The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.
The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”
At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!
A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.
Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.
The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
From Today's News: Aug. 8, 2007
Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 756th home run last night in San Francisco. Now he’s going to Disneyland. Not to celebrate at the park. To get the ball he hit – it landed in Anaheim.
Breaking Hank Aaron’s record is bound to make Bonds popularity shoot up.
You know, love him or hate him, you have to admit, with all the allegations of steroid use, Bonds has really taken a lot of needling.
The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new non-lethal, hand-held weapon. It emits a powerful strobe light, using intense, varied light pulses and colors which can temporarily blind a suspect and cause dizziness, vertigo and nausea. So far, the only side effect has been disco dancing.
Of course, officials would have to be very careful to make sure that the flashlight shaped weapon was not mishandled or abused, say, to make shadow puppets.
Most training for using these light weapons will be limited to just using the Force.
Pope Benedict XVI met this week with Rev. Tadeusz Rydzyk, a controversial, Polish priest who has been accused of making anti-Semitic remarks. Tolerance groups are bothered by the pope meeting with him. Another tolerance group responded, saying, “This isn’t because the guy’s Polish, is it?”
The Vatican has made no official statement , but an inside source says there shouldn’t be much controversy, because the pope isn’t Jewish.
…Or is he? He does like to wear a yarmulke.
A New Zealand couple is giving their baby the name Superman, but only because the government won’t let them legally name him 4Real. It is unknown at this time if either parent is an android or from the planet Krypton.
The parents say they will call the boy 4Real even if the government won’t acknowledge that as his name. Their resolve was universally applauded by school bullies who can hardly wait.
Whether they call him Superman or 4Real, the important thing is that he has two parents who obviously were never allowed to have a pet when they were kids.
New Zealand’s Department of Internal Affairs, which operates the name registry, may just decide that there is a precedent that the baby Superman is better off in the foster care of Jonathan and Martha Kent of Smallville, Kansas.
Breaking Hank Aaron’s record is bound to make Bonds popularity shoot up.
You know, love him or hate him, you have to admit, with all the allegations of steroid use, Bonds has really taken a lot of needling.
The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new non-lethal, hand-held weapon. It emits a powerful strobe light, using intense, varied light pulses and colors which can temporarily blind a suspect and cause dizziness, vertigo and nausea. So far, the only side effect has been disco dancing.
Of course, officials would have to be very careful to make sure that the flashlight shaped weapon was not mishandled or abused, say, to make shadow puppets.
Most training for using these light weapons will be limited to just using the Force.
Pope Benedict XVI met this week with Rev. Tadeusz Rydzyk, a controversial, Polish priest who has been accused of making anti-Semitic remarks. Tolerance groups are bothered by the pope meeting with him. Another tolerance group responded, saying, “This isn’t because the guy’s Polish, is it?”
The Vatican has made no official statement , but an inside source says there shouldn’t be much controversy, because the pope isn’t Jewish.
…Or is he? He does like to wear a yarmulke.
A New Zealand couple is giving their baby the name Superman, but only because the government won’t let them legally name him 4Real. It is unknown at this time if either parent is an android or from the planet Krypton.
The parents say they will call the boy 4Real even if the government won’t acknowledge that as his name. Their resolve was universally applauded by school bullies who can hardly wait.
Whether they call him Superman or 4Real, the important thing is that he has two parents who obviously were never allowed to have a pet when they were kids.
New Zealand’s Department of Internal Affairs, which operates the name registry, may just decide that there is a precedent that the baby Superman is better off in the foster care of Jonathan and Martha Kent of Smallville, Kansas.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
From Today's News: Aug. 7, 2007
Van Halen plans to announce a schedule for a 50-date reunion tour next week, with original singer David Lee Roth. Do they really think they are going to get along on the road after all these years? All I can say is: I smell Reality Show written all over this.
Chinese state media reported that because of working conditions and pollution, city traffic police have an average life expectancy of only 43 years. Shocking as this is, because of strict Chinese laws, by 2012, this life expectancy will be mandatory.
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a Utah rehab facility. This is just the first leg of what is sure to be her multi-city, 2007 “Private, Personal Matter” summer tour.
In Germany, A 59-year old woman who had lived with a pencil lodged in her head since a childhood accident has finally had most of it removed. She wanted to preserve her thoughts about the pencil's removal after the surgery, but ironically, she didn’t have anything to write with.
She suffered for 55 years with this unusual condition. She would get headaches, nosebleeds, plus, every time she nodded her head she erased something.
Previous attempts to shave down the pencil had been unsuccessful, but it did result in her other senses being sharpened.
She should fully recover from the surgery soon. In the meantime, she still feels like Number 2.
Chinese state media reported that because of working conditions and pollution, city traffic police have an average life expectancy of only 43 years. Shocking as this is, because of strict Chinese laws, by 2012, this life expectancy will be mandatory.
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a Utah rehab facility. This is just the first leg of what is sure to be her multi-city, 2007 “Private, Personal Matter” summer tour.
In Germany, A 59-year old woman who had lived with a pencil lodged in her head since a childhood accident has finally had most of it removed. She wanted to preserve her thoughts about the pencil's removal after the surgery, but ironically, she didn’t have anything to write with.
She suffered for 55 years with this unusual condition. She would get headaches, nosebleeds, plus, every time she nodded her head she erased something.
Previous attempts to shave down the pencil had been unsuccessful, but it did result in her other senses being sharpened.
She should fully recover from the surgery soon. In the meantime, she still feels like Number 2.
Monday, August 6, 2007
From Today's News: Aug. 6, 2007
President Bush said today that he is confident that Pakistan will help bring al-Qaeda terrorists there to justice if there is good intelligence as to where they are hiding. If al-Qaeda members can’t be found, Bush said, we’ll just have to get some gooder intelligence.
In El Paso, Texas yesterday, a 71-year-old woman’s Ford Ranger went over a cliff, falling 150 feet. Miraculously, she received only minor injuries. It was several hours before she was found because she didn’t have her cell phone. There’s Murphy’s Law, huh?
The woman may have set a world record. Not for surviving the fall. For being the first civilian to ever drop an airborne Ranger.
In fact, surviving a 150-foot fall to the ground in a pick-up truck is so unbelievable, it has already been bought as a plotline for next season on Desperate Housewives.
A group of young children in a Stanford University study thought food wrapped in McDonald’s packaging tasted better than the exact same plain-wrapped foods. Children were recruited by calling it a “Happy Study,” which comes with games and puzzles on the application and a free toy at the end.
Incidentally, the children’s parents were shown TV commercials that tricked them into thinking that any movie ever made by Disney was worth owning on DVD.
The FDA approved the use of a new drug for HIV patients to prevent or slow the onset of AIDS. Early concerns are the side effects, as the drug can cause liver damage, heart problems, and, ironically, AIDS.
The new edition of the Journal of Pediatrics says that videos aimed at babies may actually slow their progress in speech. The research may be wrong. I mean, I watched videos when I was a baby and I can say…a lot of… words that… mean… stuff.
In the small country of Estonia, police pulled over a driver whom they thought was drunk, and discovered he was blind. They immediately arrested the man. I bet he never saw that coming.
How did this guy expect to be able to drive? Opent eh car door and use his hand to feel the bumps on the road?
Police became suspicious when they saw the white cane sticking out of the driver's window.
The cops asked him why he was the one driving the car, and the man said it was beause he needed the seeing-eye-dog to read the map.
The driver is already out of jail because he was able to post Braille.
In El Paso, Texas yesterday, a 71-year-old woman’s Ford Ranger went over a cliff, falling 150 feet. Miraculously, she received only minor injuries. It was several hours before she was found because she didn’t have her cell phone. There’s Murphy’s Law, huh?
The woman may have set a world record. Not for surviving the fall. For being the first civilian to ever drop an airborne Ranger.
In fact, surviving a 150-foot fall to the ground in a pick-up truck is so unbelievable, it has already been bought as a plotline for next season on Desperate Housewives.
A group of young children in a Stanford University study thought food wrapped in McDonald’s packaging tasted better than the exact same plain-wrapped foods. Children were recruited by calling it a “Happy Study,” which comes with games and puzzles on the application and a free toy at the end.
Incidentally, the children’s parents were shown TV commercials that tricked them into thinking that any movie ever made by Disney was worth owning on DVD.
The FDA approved the use of a new drug for HIV patients to prevent or slow the onset of AIDS. Early concerns are the side effects, as the drug can cause liver damage, heart problems, and, ironically, AIDS.
The new edition of the Journal of Pediatrics says that videos aimed at babies may actually slow their progress in speech. The research may be wrong. I mean, I watched videos when I was a baby and I can say…a lot of… words that… mean… stuff.
In the small country of Estonia, police pulled over a driver whom they thought was drunk, and discovered he was blind. They immediately arrested the man. I bet he never saw that coming.
How did this guy expect to be able to drive? Opent eh car door and use his hand to feel the bumps on the road?
Police became suspicious when they saw the white cane sticking out of the driver's window.
The cops asked him why he was the one driving the car, and the man said it was beause he needed the seeing-eye-dog to read the map.
The driver is already out of jail because he was able to post Braille.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
From Today's News, Aug. 2, 2007:
In the wake of the dramatic bridge collapse in Minneapolis today, President Bush has said that the federal government would help ensure the rebuilding of the bridge. This is a first for Bush. As we've seen with Congress and in Europe, he usually burns bridges.
In an amazing story, a man in a low conscious state since 1999 has started to speak following an experimental procedure to stimulate his brain with electrodes. See, in my cynicism, when I read the headline, "Man spoke for the first time in 8 years," I assumed he was just married.
In Australia, a 94-year-old woman just became the world's oldest person to earn a Masters degree. Her postgraduate work followed her anthropology studies, where she had an unfair advantage over other students by having personally known the people being studied.
She began her postgraduate program at the age of 90. People ask how did she do it. Isn't it obvious? Athletic scholarship.
Her Masters is in Medical Science. It's strange to think that if she had begun her medical studies as a young woman, the only supplies she would have had to buy in order to graduate were some leeches and a saw.
Let's face it, 94 is old. She was the only student who referred to her left hip as her spring break.
In an amazing story, a man in a low conscious state since 1999 has started to speak following an experimental procedure to stimulate his brain with electrodes. See, in my cynicism, when I read the headline, "Man spoke for the first time in 8 years," I assumed he was just married.
In Australia, a 94-year-old woman just became the world's oldest person to earn a Masters degree. Her postgraduate work followed her anthropology studies, where she had an unfair advantage over other students by having personally known the people being studied.
She began her postgraduate program at the age of 90. People ask how did she do it. Isn't it obvious? Athletic scholarship.
Her Masters is in Medical Science. It's strange to think that if she had begun her medical studies as a young woman, the only supplies she would have had to buy in order to graduate were some leeches and a saw.
Let's face it, 94 is old. She was the only student who referred to her left hip as her spring break.
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