Friday, February 27, 2009

“Airline’s Number One Plan”

Ireland’s Ryanair, the largest budget airline in Europe, is considering installing pay toilets on their airplanes. Great. Because passengers really want to make sure they are carrying more change before they go through airport metal detectors.

It’s even worse in First Class. You’ll still have to deposit a coin to get into the restroom, but then, once inside, it’s expected that you tip the attendant.

What they think they are going to make in toilet fees, though, they are going to lose in drink sales. Either that, or they are just going to have to start also charging for empty cups.

Also, anyone who uses an airplane restroom to join the ‘mile high club’ will technically have to admit to having paid to do so.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

"Fish out of Water"

An illegal pet snakefish named Rocky has won a temporary stay of execution from New York state officials. Snakeheads pose a danger to any other fish they share water with, and have been banned since 2004. Though the state delayed plans to kill the fish, they are keeping him at bay with tarter sauce and a lemon wedge.

Snakehaeds will eat all other fish in a pond or lake, including their own young. They can even survive out of water for three days. Since he was originally purchased legally in 1999, Rocky may have his sentence reduced to being flushed down the toilet.

In the meantime, Rocky is just swimming in his solitary tank, working out, getting tattoos, and waiting to see if he gets a call from the governor.

"Big Wheel"

After 26 years on television, Wheel of Fortune is celebrating its 5,000th episode this week. It has been on a long time. To get around the puzzle board, Vanna White now needs a scooter.

Some of the contestants from the first season’s Kids Week are now coming back for the Senior Citizen Challenge.

5,000 shows, and I still giggle when a contestant spins and then says, “I’ll take a P, Pat.”

They’ve been on for so many years, R, S, T, L, N, & E want to retire.

Over the years, they have had 15,000 contestants. That’s a lot of people for Jeopardy! fans to look down on.

Wheel of Fortune really has been on a long time. In fact, here’s a little of its history:
-Before the Premiere: The Used Letter Board was briefly called the New Letter Board.

-Season 1: Before episode number one, they had to invent the wheel first.

-Season 2: Pat Sajak’s suits were by Botany 1.

-Season 3: The show became more challenging with new puzzle categories and the invention of the alphabet.

-Season 4: Before each round, the producers had to carve the letters into rocks.

-Season 5: The prizes were livestock.

-Season 6: Instead of letters, the contestants had to guess hieroglyphs.

-Season 7: The top monetary value on the wheel was a handful of beads.

-Season 8: Pat Sajak’s cue card lines were painted on a cave wall.

-Season 9: If Vanna was wearing fur, it was from an animal she’d killed that morning.

-Season 10: There were still only 4 vowels.

-Season 11: The winner got cash and merchandise. Second place got a parting gift. Third place was hunted, killed, and eaten.

-Season 12: To widen their audience to more than 50 people, television was invented.

-Season 13: To widen their audience to more than 100 people, the Mid-West was invented.

“Truck Stop Hero”

A Good Samaritan who pushed two elderly women out of harm’s way and was then struck by a truck was cited for jaywalking. The local police have a policy that when a person is injured, they should immediately add insult.

The cop who issued the ticket says he was just doing his job. It’s true; enforcing law and order is his job. When he kicks puppies, though, that’s just for fun.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

"Schwarzenegger, the Actor?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in a new movie starring and directed by, his friend Sylvester Stallone. Shooting begins late March. This is a great idea since by the end of March, the state of California will be too broke to pay him his salary.

In his cameo appearance, Schwarzenegger will play himself not as an action hero, but as the governor of California. Looking at the state’s budget and infrastructure, critics already agree it’s really a stretch.

The title of the film, written by Stallone, is “The Expendables.” Schwarzenegger is currently working on his own California-inspired screenplay about the biggest battle he has ever faced, aptly called “The Expenditures.”
-It’s a horror movie.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

“De-Grading on a Curve”

A study to be published in The American Journal of Preventative Medicine says there may be a link between teen sexual activity and music that has “degrading” sexual lyrics. In reaction, retailers are quickly pulling all copies of The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold your Hand.”

Results of the study may have already made a bunch of ‘Emo’ kids cry. On the other hand, it’s hard to tell, because they were also crying before the study even began.

Teen boys who prefer hip-hop presented challenges when being surveyed for the study because they were busy degrading their girlfriends sexually during the interview.

Rappers themselves participated in the study, but only so far as to show up unannounced, personally perform degrading sex acts on the researchers, and then leave.

There has been a long suspected link between teen behavior and the music they listen to. This theory has been researched with kids who listen to heavy metal, but has never been proven. This may be because the kids always kill and eat the researchers.

The researchers, all mature adult scientists, also listened to the music for the sake of the study, but it had no affect on any of their sex lives, especially with respect to degrading activities. That’s because, when you're middle-aged, just listening to Top 40 is degrading enough.

Teens’ sexual activity is prompting cultural and economic changes as well, such as iTunes new online-order-only line of iCondoms.

"Batter Up"

Today is National Pancake Day, an annual free-pancakes charity event sponsored by IHOP to benefit the Children’s Miracle Network. The nonprofit hopes to make $1 for every inch gained on each customer’s waist.

Each year it has been held, the event has raised over a million dollars for charity in a single day, showing just how warm Americans’ hearts are. Clogged with butter and syrup, yes, but still warm.

“Don’t Fly for Me, Argentina”

Richard Williamson, the controversial, Holocaust-denying bishop, was asked to leave Argentina by their government, and then got into a scuffle at the airport, putting his hand in a TV reporter’s face and then pushing him into a pole. Of course, Williamson claims the pushing didn’t happen, the reporter doesn’t exist, and the pole is a myth created by Jews.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

“What Utah-kin’ ‘Bout, Willis?”

In Provo, Utah, a judge has ruled that a videotaped deposition from actor Gary Coleman will remain sealed until a personal injury suit against him is settled. Because Gary Coleman is in it, one must assume that it was a straight-to-video deposition.

The lawsuit involved Coleman allegedly hitting a man with his truck. It was not reported whether blocks must be strapped to Gary Coleman’s shoes in order for him to drive a truck.

The judge was concerned that release of the video could hurt Coleman’s chance at a fair trial. Coleman’s lawyer said release of the video could destroy Coleman. In a related story, Gary Coleman should fire his lawyer.

“Knight Will Make You See Stars”

Death Row Records co-founder Marion “Suge” Knight pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery charges in Nevada, related to hitting a girlfriend in a Las Vegas Strip parking lot last year. I guess someone doesn’t like to lose at bingo.

Knight also had a knife, Ecstasy, and hydrocodone at the time of his arrest, but the knife was not used in the battery and the drug charges were dropped. Apparently the court felt the slap on the wrist shouldn’t be as hard as he slapped his girlfriend.

The drug charges were felonies that would have each carried up to a 4-year prison sentence. Fortunately, Knight’s attorneys were able to have the case heard in the Celebrity Court, Special Treatment wing.

Suge wound up paying a $340 fine, was ordered to seek counseling, and will now go back to hanging out in nightclubs that cater to violent thugs.

Don’t think that Suge always batters people. Sometimes it’s just assault.

All jokes aside, Suge, please don’t hurt me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

“Coffee without All the Perks”

Starbucks is innovating a new, premium instant coffee product called Via. The business strategy is simple: if they can make the coffee instantly, they’ll get your money faster.

To combat the idea that instant won’t be as good as brewed coffee, they already have a slogan. “Via coffee. If you’re not a connoisseur, but still want to look pretentious.”

Starbucks wants to assure Via instant customers an equal coffee experience to their freshly brewed cup. To that end, they are training supermarket clerks to act like snobby, stuck-up baristas.

“Like Phish out of Water”

Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps will not face charges related to the recent photos that show him allegedly smoking a marijuana pipe. For the record, Phelps is a swimmer, and it was, technically a water pipe. He might have just been training.

Phelps has apologized repeatedly since the incident, and maintains that he would never have even gone to that party if he had known that someone there would have a camera.

Seven other people were investigated and arrested on drug charges stemming from the party and other incidents. It wasn’t reported whether or not they, too lost their million-dollar endorsement deals.

Phelps was dropped as a spokesman for Kellogg’s cereals over the marijuana incident. Ironic, since they advertise so many of their products as either baked or toasted.

The county sheriff said that the person who took the photo of Michael Phelps sold it for $100,000. Experts predict that that’s gonna buy him a lot of weed.

Friday, February 13, 2009

“Moo Juice?”

In India, a company is making a new soft drink made from cow urine to compete with major soft drink brands. The company owner really hopes people will like it, and so does R. Kelly.

This, of course raises the question, just how bad is the water in India?

Studies have shown that one of the best ways to quench thirst is to remove all desire to drink.

India’s Cow Protection Campaign may be able to capitalize on the proposed slogan, “Not Milk?”

It almost seems as if the whole thing must be a giant national hoax, known as an Indian Burn.

The beverage is said to be in the final stages of development. The last stage, however may take years, as it required that they find someone willing to taste it.

The makers of the beverage say it will be inexpensive. Good. Like they say, ‘why would you want to buy the whole cow when you can drink the pee for cheap?’

The soft drink developers want to make sure they have an efficient way of collecting the supply of their ingredients. Every drop wasted is like money down the toilet.

After drinking the divine bovine, hygiene habits suggest that a woman would wipe her mouth with a napkin, whereas a man would just shake it off.

Over time, manufacturer’s research says that their product will eventually be welcome everywhere except at people’s swimming pools. No one wants pee in their pool.

Note: At the last minute, my editor made me change the headline of this story. The original was “Indians Have a Drinking Problem.”

Special thanks to my friend Dave Wiggins in Arizona for this news story, linked above.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Ohio fourth-grade teacher Amber Carter was arrested at a motel Tuesday on charges of prostitution after using a school computer to arrange a “date.” The most shocking part: someone in Ohio still has a job.

Superintendent Lawrence Anderson realized he should have been suspicious when Carter started referring to him as Larry the Pimp.

Ms. Carter has been placed on administrative leave pending the case. In the meantime, she has no class.

Obviously these charges may affect her advancement in the school, which is unfortunate, since she was expecting to go for Department Head.

Her career as a prostitute was doomed anyway, since, after her customers were finished, she had a tendency to grade them.
-On a sliding scale, I might add.

Her specialty was the oral exam.

For an extra $20, she might give you extra credit.

Educators nationwide have stood up for Ms. Carter, saying that prostitution is far less demoralizing than teaching fourth grade.

If teaching grammar school pushed her into life as a call girl, you could say she “Hooked on Phonics.”

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

"Say You Want An Evolution"

Today is Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday, and it is being celebrated around the world despite the fact that Darwin himself died 127 years ago. By his own theory, he’d have survived, had he been fitter.

Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.

Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.

Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.

"Wal-Mart Clearance"

Wal-Mart is reducing its staff at its Arkansas headquarters by 700 to 800 people, out of 14,000. The employees laid off will be sold out of a giant bin, at rock-bottom prices.

The bad news is that employees being laid off will get no severance package. The good news is they get to keep their Sam’s Club membership.

The company says the layoffs are necessary because its financial plan for the year was flawed, probably due to the fact that it was cheaply manufactured by under-age, third-world labor.

"-Rod Rage"

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.

Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.

Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.

Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?

Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"Live Wrong and Prosper" or "Deep Space Crime"

In Denver, CO, a masked man robbed two 7-11 stores armed with a Klingon sword. Obviously the mask was to conceal his nerd glasses.

Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.

The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.

This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.

The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”

The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.

Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.

There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.

At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.

The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.