“Arnold Likes to Pump Up, but Not Pay Up”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/schwarzenegger-rejects-spousal-support-/1

According to their divorce papers, Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver.  To be fair, he’s been out of a job since January.

Arnold is trying to cut her off like she was a California state employee.

If you objectively look at the math, Arnold really cannot afford to pay spousal support, because he’s got too many hush money payments to keep making to his other former mistresses.

“Arnold: He’ll Be Back”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/arnold-schwarzenegger-signs-on-to-first-post-split-film-/1

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to appear in his first movie since his term as governor ended and his marriage split was announced, and it’s a Western.  There’s a rumor it’s going to be a Spaghetti Western, about the child he had with his housekeeper. It will be called, Pasta La Vista, Baby.

Some other possible movie titles:

 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Affair

A Fistful of Dollars for the Housekeeper

For a Few Dollars More for your Love Child

Once Upon a Time in a Mexican.

Dutch Cassidy and the Secret Kid

or possibly

Tomb-Stone: It’s Not a Tomb-er

Based on his current weight and muscle-toe, however, some movie fans think Arnold should stick to roles like Conan, the Barber.  

“Action/Father Figure”

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20490714,00.html

The identity of the woman with whom Arnold Schwarzenegger had a child was revealed today.  Mildred “Patty” Baena was a housekeeper and assistant in Arnold and Maria’s home for over 20 years.  Apparently, she was really good at cleaning, organizing, and keeping her trap shut.

She wouldn’t do windows, but as a trade-off, she would do Arnie.

Coincidentally, “Mildred Baena” is Spanish for “Baby Mama.”

“Girlie Man”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-05-17-schwarzenegger-child_N.htm

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that his separation from wife maria Shriver was prompted by his admission that he fathered a child with a member of their household staff over a decade ago.  His affair means that in the late 1990’s, his role as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin was only the second worst thing he did to those who loved and trusted him.

Before he became governor of California in 2004, Arnold was the top action star in Hollywood.  Today’s news is just proof that he never stopped getting action.

Though the couple announced their split last week, hiding an extra-marital affair until after his two terms in public office makes Arnold an honorary Kennedy.

Arnold doesn’t seen to be facing too much fallout from the public over his affair, making recently resigned Senator John Ensign wish he’d been a movie star before he ran for office.

There was no way that Arnold could deny that the baby was his, since it had huge muscles, an Austrian accent, couldn’t act, and caused an insurmountable state debt.

“Terminating their Marriage”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ap_en_mo/us_schwarzenegger_shriver_separation

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announced in a joint statement Monday that they were splitting up.  By releasing a prepared statement, Arnold didn’t have to grope for words.

Maria may have been California’s First Lady, but she certainly won’t be Arnold’s last.

Arnold explained, “Maria just doesn’t understand me,” to which Maria replied, “It’s that stupid accent.”

It’s possible that the direction of Schwarzenegger’s career may have put too much stress on their relationship.  After all, he has been unemployed since January.

The timing of the split is puzzling to many, especially since the Hollywood power couple hasn’t even made a reality show yet.

As Arnold stood in the doorway with his suitcases in his hands, his last words to Maria were, “I’ll be back.”

There were no accusations of infidelity, although it is well known that Arnold spent the last 7 years screwing California.

Now that the former Mr. Universe will be living alone again, for the first time in years he'll be pumping his own iron.