Showing posts with label Strippers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Strippers. Show all posts

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Lap Dance, White House, NASCAR, Robbery, Pope, Robbery and Twitter Review


A scandal erupted this week for Gerardo Hernandez, a mayoral candidate in Sunland Park, New Mexico who was secretly video-taped receiving a lap-dance from a topless woman in his office.  Hernandez would have told the woman to stop and get dressed, but he didn’t want to be involved in a cover-up.

Hernandez has not dropped out of the race, but has lost at least one vote – his wife’s.



The White House defended President Obama’s apology to Afghan President Hamid Karzi in the wake of two American troops who were killed in what is believed to be retaliation for the burning of copies of the Quran.   Obama hopes Afghanistan will apologize for the murder of the two Americans so we can call it even.

If Afghanistan doesn’t accept Obama’s apology, he wants to ask how many more American troops they would like to kill until they forgive us.



 NASCAR driver Danica Patrick’s race in the Sprint Cup ended abruptly, with a violent collision in the final lap of the qualifying race.  Luckily she wasn’t injured, and as a bonus, she’s been offered an endorsement deal from CrashDaddy.com.

Up until the collision, Danica had been doing well.  NASCAR experts theorize that she probably started fixing her hair and make-up in the rearview mirror, or calling her girlfriends on her cell phone.



Campaigning in Michigan, Mitt Romney said Friday that “Detroit should not just be the Motor City of America… (but) of the world.”  Mitt was talking about his love of cars all week, so it seems he is putting his Motor where his mouth is.

He also criticized government fuel efficiency standards as having put too great a burden on the auto industry.  Apparently, he forgot that most American voters are also drivers who have to pay for their own gas.



In Spain, 4 thieves who robbed a warehouse vault on Thursday crashed their getaway car into another vehicle, carjacked another car to escape, but forgot their loot in the back seat of the abandoned car.  To avoid this problem next time, they are riding bikes.
Even though the loot was left in bags inside the car, it’s okay because the loot did not include milk or any other perishable items.
The driver is especially worried because he doesn’t think his insurance covers botched heists.
Since they lost their own automobile, which is now is police possession, the first plan they made for their next job was to arrange for a car rental.


Pope Benedict XVI has begun posting daily tweets for the Catholic repentance period of Lent.  That ought to get the young people of the Internet.

His tweets pose the question, “What would Jesus say – in 140 characters or less.”

The Vatican hopes the tweets will reach everyone who didn’t give up Twitter for Lent.

The Pope carries around 3 tablets.  One’s an iPad, and the other 2 just have the Ten Commandments on them.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

“Close as Sisters”


A group of nuns are fighting the opening of a new strip club being built on property right next door to a convent.  The strippers don’t want to be too close to the nuns either, saying that in the past, they’ve been lousy tippers.

Both establishments accept one dollar bills.

The strip club will be literally be less than 2 feet from the nuns’ property.  The strip club has already warned the convent that, while that is very close, the club’s official rule is still “no touching.”

The club owner is willing to offer compromises to make the nuns happy, such as drink specials, and 2-for-1 lap dances, and of course, Ladies Night.

Just be sure you have the right address if you re looking for the services of one establishment versus the other.  Because there’s a big difference between a sponge bath and the Shower Room.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“Stripped of Life”

Two men were arrested in Denver for driving around with their dead friend and using his ATM card to pay for a visit to a strip club.  Needless to say, what was supposed to be a harmless evening of fun began to decay quickly.

Six of the strippers were selected to attend the funeral as the pole-bearers.

The next day, the corpse was still the least disgusting thing found on a couch in the VIP room.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

“Strip Sale”


Due to the drop in tourist traffic since the recession, Las Vegas strip clubs are offering discounts and special offers to entice patrons.  For example, the strippers breasts are now two-for-the-price-of-one.

All apparel is already half off!

The dancers start off quoting a high price for a lap dance, but some of them are willing to go down.

Friday, October 15, 2010

“Stripped of Cash”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/nightclub-patron-wins-650k-award-for-kick-in-the-face-from-strippers-shoe/1

A man who got licked in the face by a high heeled dancer in a Florida strip club was awarded a $650,000 settlement over injuries he received, including a broken nose. The man asked if he could get all the money in singles.

At the time of the incident, the stripper behaved like a true professional. She still expected a tip.

The man’s lawyer gets 50% of the settlement plus a lap dance.

Poor guy. Not only did he receive injuries to his nose and eye, now he gets flashbacks whenever he hears Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U.” (or Lady Gaga?)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Boob Jobs

In Rhode Island, where unemployment has hit 10.3%, strip club owners plan a job fair tomorrow to hire about 30 new people for 3 clubs. They are looking for ambitious, hard-working people, the type that are willing to bend over backwards to satisfy customers.

It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.

This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.

Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.

Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.

The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.

One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.

An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.