Tuesday, June 30, 2009

“Careful What You Amish For”

The economy is reportedly taking a toll on Amish communities in Indiana. Those families falling on hard times are having to sell their fancy sport utility horses.

The Amish are I little behind the news on the hits to labor and the economy in general. In fact, they still refer to the influx of Latin American workers as “English.”

Amish culture generally shuns modern technology in favor of simpler living. They even use heavily varnished wood for their stripper poles.

“Gone to the Dogs”

Critics of pet boutiques housed in outdoor flea markets are voicing the opinion that the selling of dogs, cats, and other animals at such events contributes to their overpopulation. Slowing those sales: referring to the doggie boutique as a flea market.

In many cities and states, there are currently no laws stopping people from breeding as many rabbits, birds, or even llamas as they can for profit sales. Or, if the economy gets much worse… meat.

“Appalachian Tail?”

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina confessed today that he had more frequent visits with his Argentinean mistress than previously admitted. Then he said that there were several other women with whom he did not have sex, but with whom he “crossed the line.” Analysts said, “Okay, he’s just bragging, now.”

Sanford wanted to be clear that he’d only had sex with his mistress, Maria Chapur, and not any of these other women. Because cheating on your mistress is just plain wrong.

Gov. Sanford may be depressed, and those in the know say that to admit to any kind of tryst that might anger your South American girlfriend, you’d have to be suicidal.

While most fellow Republicans have been critical of Sanford, and some have called for his resignation, Senator John Ensign looked at a picture of Sanford’s mistress and simply said, I’d do her.”

Monday, June 29, 2009

“Holy Holsters”

In Louisville, Kentucky a pastor staged a 2nd Amendment celebration by welcoming all members to the public to bring their guns to his church on Saturday. This follows Kentucky churches’ long-standing tradition of shotgun weddings.

Attendance at the church event was high, but that isn’t surprising, considering that Kentucky is right in the heart of America’s Rifle Belt.

Though pleased with a church full of supporters and their legal firearms, the pastor wisely kept his sermon short.

“He Put the ‘Nard’ in Bernard”

Bernard Madoff, the orchestrater of the biggest ponzi scheme in history, was sentenced today to the maximum sentence of 150 years in prison. Many, including his victims felt that giving Madoff 150 years wasn’t fair, and they hope that Madoff will go to hell sooner.

The Madoff scam bilked investors, retirees, non-profits and charity organizations out of up to $65 billion. Bernie and his family lived off the money, instead of putting it into long-term investments. Today, though, Bernie finally got his long term.


The Associated Press reported on Poland’s first openly gay rabbi, the leader of a reform Jewish community in Warsaw. The rabbi has been very successful at increasing tolerance in the area, since any haters of Polish, Jewish, and gay people don’t even know where to start.

The rabbi is trying to build up the Jewish community, though obviously not by reproduction.

Following a traditional upbringing, the rabbi withdrew towards a reform lifestyle, citing Orthodox traditions such as separating men from women during prayer or when dancing at celebrations. This raises the question, if he’s gay, why didn’t he want to sit or dance with men?

“Oval Offers”

President Obama sent a private letter to express his condolences to Michael Jackson’s family. The contents of the letter were not made public, but may be eventually, since once Obama signed it, it became law.

Better late than never, Obama’s gesture opens the U.S.A.’s first diplomatic relations with Never-land.

Friday, June 26, 2009


A feud has erupted online since, Allegedly, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton was punched in the face by the manager of the Black Eyed Peas following a verbal altercation at a Canadian awards show. Most people repeating the news have been changing the word “Allegedly,” to “Hopefully.”

“Iran from Police”

Video surfaced on YouTube Thursday showing Iranian demonstrators being chased and beaten by Iranian police. As difficult as it has been for Western media to believe, the rallies in Iran have nothing to do with the death of Michael Jackson.


The contents of Governor Sanford’s emails to his Argentinian lover were revealed in the media. Some described the lines as poetic others found them to be trite and cliché. Most critical of the lyrical messages: Sanford’s wife.

Republicans are outraged over the contents of the emails, saying, "He's no Jackie Collins."

“Fly Me th the Moon”

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who accompanied Neil Armstrong on the lunar surface on the 1969 Appollo 11 mission created a hip-hop record with Snoop Dogg for the FunnyOrDie website. Unfortunately for Buzz, news of it somehow got overshadowed by another musical moonwalker.


A former child star you may remember, Michael Jackson of a musical group called The Jackson 5, died in Los Angeles Thursday at the age of 50. Unbeknownst to many, Jackson enjoyed a solo career as an adult and still has a cult fan base to this day.

Since the circumstances of Michael Jackson’s death are so mysterious, a full police investigation is underway. Until that is completed, everything in his house is to be left unmolested.

Jackson will be buried in his favorite and most formal suit: an orange, marching band uniform, sequined from top to bottom.

Until decisions are made regarding Michael’s children and belongings, his estate is being managed by Bubbles the chimp.

Conspiracy theorists are saying that Michael’s death is a hoax, and he’s just holding us all over the rail of the balcony.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

"Illegal Search and Sees Her”

The Supreme Court ruled today that the strip search of an Arizona 13-year-old, middle school girl was illegal. Middle school boys nationwide were relieved that the court did not rule on Spin the Bottle or Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The school district’s ban on even over-the-counter drugs had prompted a search for ibuprofen pills, which led to making her disrobe and shake out her underwear. Don’t ask what they’d do if she’d been prescribed suppositories.

Ironically, the pain that school officials caused the 8th grade girl could be relieved with one ibuprofen pill.

“Support in Totality”

Up to 100,000 North Koreans were reported by state media to have rallied in the capitol city of Pyongyang to denounce the U.S. and other nations for sanctions and other attempts to interfere in their country’s weapons testing plans. The people’s presence to support the government would be much more convincing if it were not mandatory.

Citizens who chanted threats to crush the United States may have had a different motivation to come to the rally. The state promised every starving person who showed up a free bowl of grass to eat.

“Carolina Governor Going South”

Following South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s confession and apology over an affair with a woman in Argentina, some GOP leaders are saying he shouldn’t get off so easily and that he should resign. Other are saying that if he flew down to Argentina every time he wanted to be with his mistress, he didn’t get off so easily.

“In Memory of Charlie’s Angel and the King of Pop”

I don’t want to make jokes about the tragic deaths of two pop culture icons, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson that have been reported today. I will say, while so many are saddened by these events, Jon and Kate Gosselin are pissed now, having lost all their publicity to real celebrities.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

“Affairs of State”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, whose whereabouts were unknown for 7 days, returned from a trip to Argentina admitting to having an extra-marital affair, or as fellow Republicans call it, “pulling a John Ensign.”

Sanford’s staff had told reporters that the missing governor, an avid hiker, was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. This was partly true, in that Sanford’s lover was working her way down his ‘happy trail.’

Sources say that after Sanford’s wife learned of the affair, she told him to take a hike.

Sanford recently tried to block federal stimulus money for his state but was defeated by a court order. At the time, no one knew he was getting his own stimulus on the side.

The second-term governor is not eligible to run for reelection in 2010, and in light of the news of his affair, he has been labeled The Lamest Duck.

Now that Governor Sanford has let down his state, embarrassed his party, and hurt his wife and children, his most likely move is to run for Senate.

“Oscar Buzz”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that starting in 2010, they will expand the number of Best Picture nominees from 5 to 10 films, as it was in the 1930’s and 40’s. Hollywood’s only concern is that they don’t think they can make 10 good movies in a year.

“Are You Syria’s?”

President Obama is planning to fill the position of Ambassador to Syria. The U.S. withdrew its diplomats from Syria in 2005 over their support of Hamas attacks in Israel and Hezbollah’s attacks from Lebanon. An ambassador has not yet been named, but everyone close to the Obama administration is on their best behavior, hoping they won’t be picked.

“Text Education”

A new survey found that 1 in 5 teens has “sexted,” meaning that they sent sexually provocative or nude photos through cell phone text messages or email. Even more unsettling, most of the ones doing it are ugly.

80% of teens who are sexting are under the age of 18. In a related story, Michael Jackson is now giving out his private cell phone number to everybody.

Teens alerted to the dangers of sexting responded, “OMG! WTF?”

Parents are often ill-informed about social networking and its risks to kids. When asked, 60% of teens’ parents thought posting a status update meant holding a note on the fridge with a magnet.
Pathetic. [Colon, left parentheses]

“Tales from the Cryptic”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on a memoir for Simon & Shuster. In his book, Cheney will discuss the breadth of his political experience, his role in the Bush administration’s policies, and of course, the structural plans for the Galactic Empire’s Death Star.

Cheney is writing the book for a non-disclosed sum, presumably from a non-disclosed location.

The book will include career-spanning stories from his time as President Ford’s chief of staff to his vice-presidency, and will even feature a special how-to chapter about shooting a guy in the face.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

“In Tribute to Ed”

Former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon died early Tuesday morning at the age of 86. Ed had had a series of health problems in recent months, made all the worse by doctors bloopers and practical jokes.

Ed had been in at the UCLA Medical Center receiving care for some time. He is finally at peace, after weeks of nurses handing him a hospital gown saying, ‘He-e-e-e-re’s your johnny.”

Ed knew his time was short when he received a sweepstakes entry in the mail from American Family Publishers that said, “You may have already died.”

“Jon & Kate Plus Hate?”

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced their separation and pending divorce on Monday night’s episode of their reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. Through the split, the two will try to focus on what’s most important, and have agreed to share custody of the TV cameras.

Tabloids have photographed the decline of their relationship, but they don’t know that the beginning of the end came about the day that Jon and Kate both decided to tell the other how bad their hair really looks.

“Sea Lion on Land”

A baby sea lion that had wandered onto a freeway in the San Francisco Bay area was picked up by highway patrol. He was taken to the Marine Mammal Center, where they determined that the sea lion tried to hitchhike but failed, lacking opposable thumbs.

Monday, June 22, 2009

“Turning over a New Leaf”

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration is considering a nationwide ban on salvia, a powerful hallucinogenic plant known as “magic mint.” Already restricted in 11 states, it’s the first drug that freshens breath while you trip.

The crop comes from Mexico and has become popular due to Internet demonstrations of its use. The government, of course, was totally shocked to learn that drugs are coming into the U.S. from Mexico.

The drug’s psychedelic properties can be experienced from a leaf extract or from smoking it. Unfortunately for some smokers, because it is magic mint, there is no flavor that isn’t menthol.

The powerful hallucinogenic effects of the drug give a whole new meaning to being in mint condition.

“Tobacco No Longer Rolling their Own”

President Obama signed into law today a bill granting the Food and Drug Administration the power to regulate tobacco. The president’s goal is to keep America’s kids and teens tobacco free so that they can grow up to be seen as un-cool.

The president’s signing of the bill was accompanied by applause from a room packed with supporters. Obama has already had many such packed-room signings, and some worry he may soon develop a pack-a-day habit.

Emphasizing the effectiveness of cigarette makers’ targeted advertising, today’s tobacco law signing was smooth, had nothing added, and bore a full rich flavor.

Obama has publicly acknowledged his own struggle to quit, and that he does still smoke. He’s cool.

“Arnie in the Sky” or “In-Flight (Like) Movie”

Governor Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in Van Nuys Friday night, due to smoke coming from an instrument panel. The jet landed safely, Arnold switched out with a stuntman, and then the plane took off again for a dramatic jump-without-parachute action sequence.

Though no one was injured, the fact that there was high-flying adventure led the governor to believe he would be getting a $20 million paycheck.

The incident was exactly like a scene from any of Schwarzenegger’s movies, except that there was no bad acting.

Friday, June 19, 2009

“Raw Deal”

Nestle has issued a recall of its Toll House cookie dough products after dozens of reports of illness. The CDC says that the sick people who ate raw cookie dough may be suffering from E. coli. Normally, the people eating raw cookie dough are only suffering from boredom, loneliness, or a recent break-up.

The more common illness associated with eating raw cookie dough is catching a cold from standing in front of the open refrigerator in the middle of the night.

If you eat a lot of cookie dough AND you think the E. coli scare is some sort of conspiracy, you are smoking too much pot.

“Downturn Down Under?”

The New Kids on the Block have cancelled their tour dates in Australia this summer, citing the recession as the reason. Presumably, the recession has kept the New Kids from buying their own new album and hearing how awful it is.

They may not be so good at making music, but they are good at making excuses.

“Banks Withdrawal”

A man convicted of stalking Tyra Banks has been sentenced to a year’s probation and ordered to undergo a treatment program. If he violates court orders by trying to approach Tyra, he will still be on his way towards becoming America’s Next Top Stalker.

“Car Pool”

General Motors announced Friday that they are recalling 900 laid-off employees back to work, due to sudden increased sales in certain models. Analysts were left scrambling to figure out when GM started selling Hondas.

“Lin Lo Ho Foto”

Lindsay Lohan posted a topless photograph of herself on Twitter. Even though it’s just a still picture, it still has more of a plot than I Know Who Killed Me.

It also proves that there are still two reasons that people are interested in Lindsay Lohan.


A Colorado man was struck by lightning while playing golf Thursday. He lost consciousness after being struck at the 13th hole, but had awoken by the time an ambulance took him to the hospital. More importantly, the next 4-some was allowed to play through.

The nation’s doctors were very interested in this case, not for the medical story, but for how the golf game turned out.

Sadly, the lightning bolt may have caused the golfer to drop a ball.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

“Fly ‘Bye”

PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has expressed dismay over President Obama’s swatting of a fly during a live CNBC interview earlier in the week. They sent Obama a catch-and-release fly-trapping device, and as a result, are changing their name to People for the Ridiculous Treatment of Animals.

On the plus side, the catch-and-release device will be modified to handle terror suspects currently held at Guantanamo Bay.

“Pilot Gets his Wings”

A Continental Airlines plane whose pilot dies mid-flight landed safely in Newark, New Jersey. Still, to the horror of the passengers, they were in Newark, New Jersey.

The two other pilots landed the aircraft on schedule after the other pilot aboard died from natural causes, or in laymen’s terms, airline food.

“Broken Hinge in the Cabinet”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and fractured her right elbow Wednesday and will have surgery to repair the injury within a week. Clinton’s accident may actually be good for her image. That is, by not healing herself instantly, fewer people will believe that she is a witch.

“Church? Wedding”

When Reverend Alberto Cutie, the Florida priest and TV host was removed from his parish over his secret girlfriend, it freed him to get married. The romantic story has inspired many, and now that the man called ‘Father Oprah’ has wed his girlfriend, perhaps the real Oprah will wed her girlfriend, Gayle King.

“Water Proof”

A research team from the University of Colorado at Boulder has discovered the ridged shoreline of a dry lake on Mars. Proof that the red planet once had water implies that it may have been able to sustain life at one time. Since the planet is dry today, scientists looking for lake evidence from the past are now excitedly hoping to find paddle boats.

Researchers say the lake formed 3.4 billion years ago. Evidence suggests that, Mars is not so different from Earth. For instance, once the lake dried up, all that beach-front real estate became worthless.

“Calgary Cutlery”

In Canada’s Calgary Zoo, a gorilla picked up a knife accidentally dropped in their living area by a zoo keeper. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but after examining it, the primitive ape, in a barbaric display, put the knife down to the right of the salad fork instead of to the left of the soup spoon.

The makers of the movie Snakes on a Plane are now considering the screenplay adaptation of Gorilla with a Knife.
-Tagline: "He’s Going Bananas."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

“President Is his own Swat Team”

In a live CNBC interview, President Obama swatted and killed a fly on camera. In reaction, North Korea’s Kim Jon Il has threatened to kill 1,000 flies in retaliation.

Capitol Hill conservatives are crying ‘foul’ over the incident, as the fly was their choice to take Senator John Ensign’s place as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee.

“The Estranger”

Billy Joel and his third wife Katie Lee Joel have announced that they are separating. Friends speculate that Katie put up an emotional wall, and Billy crashed a car through it.

“Brothel, Can You Spare a Dime?”

The Associated Press reports that in Germany, the global economic downturn is even affecting legal brothels. You could say their business is going down.

Some prostitution establishments are even offering discounts. Customers looking for a good deal will often see how much they can get off.

Competition has increased, meaning customers will go where they can get more bang for their buck.

Customers who have become more cautious about their spending have brought owners of some such businesses to their knees.

Some women working in sex clubs have even lost their jobs, going from getting laid to getting laid off.

Those who don’t know where they will be working next are still confident that they will eventually land on their backs.

Their futures, like their legs, may remain up in the air.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

“Anti-Social Network”

MySpace is being forced to cut 30% of its workforce. The social networking website’s accounts have been dropping in the wake of Facebook and Twitter, dropping MySpace’s creepy predator-to-teen ratio to a record low of 3 to 1.

If the cutbacks continue, people who spend all their time talking to MySpace friends may actually have to go out and make some real friends.

“Beware of Dog Food”

The owners of the ChemNutra company pleaded guilty to selling chemical-tainted wheat gluten to pet food makers, causing thousands of animals to get sick, with some even dying. Animal lovers hope that the owners will have only a short time behind bars… before being put to sleep.

The wheat gluten tainted with the chemical melamine came from China. A caution to all American businesses: it isn’t enough anymore to just request no MSG.

“G.O.P. = Grand Old Philandering”

Senator John Ensign of Nevada has admitted to an extra-marital affair with a former campaign staff member. This follows a trend lately among senators, who seem to have trouble controlling their members.

The woman with whom he had the affair was married, but since she didn’t get pregnant and Ensign’s wife didn’t have cancer at the time, he’s still the most moral senator we’ve got.

An outspoken conservative, Ensign has been critical of President Obama’s pro-union legislation and stimulus package, while at the same time ignoring his own marital union in favor of other stimulus.

The Republicans are still proud of Ensign, because at least his affair was with a woman.

If his wife throws him out, Larry Craig has already offered to let Ensign sleep over.

“Basketball Foul”

The Lakers victory over Orlando in the NBA finals resulted in rioting in several areas throughout Los Angeles. Robbery, looting and other crimes spiked, vandalism and property damage surged, and home values in surrounding neighborhoods plummeted, or as it’s known here in L.A., Sunday.

“Water Mark”

Hillary Clinton and Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister met Saturday to mark the 100th anniversary of the Boundary Waters Treaty of 1909 between the U.S. and Canada, and also to update it in consideration of environmental concerns. This contrasts a Bush/Cheney plan they never got around to: a Great Lakes military take-over called Operation Canadian Freedom.

Monday, June 15, 2009

“More Flags, Less Money”

Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy, forcing them to cut costs wherever possible. For starters, they are cutting down to three flags.

Also they are pulling the plug on the dancing old man in their commercials.

For anyone who visited the Magic Mountain theme park recently and enjoyed the façade and themed look of the post-apocalyptic Terminator: Salvation ride, that’s not décor, that’s just how bad things have gotten.

Friday, June 12, 2009

“Chastity Changing”

Sonny & Cher offspring and longtime GLAAD spokesperson Chastity Bono has decided to undergo a sex change. The reaction to the news has been mixed, mainly because most people thought she already was a man.

An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this is the first time Chastity has ever wanted a penis.

Chastity has already begun the physical process to change and has adopted the name Chaz, literally dropping the –tity.

Chaz wants to be referred to as male, feeling that being a man is part of his true identity. As far as having the courage to go public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.

Chaz had a difficult time getting his parents to accept his sexuality. Sonny Bono, her deceased father and one-time Republican Congressman, immediately announced from the grave that for the first time, he wishes he was dead.

“Beauty Pageant Title Turns Ugly”

Donald Trump has said that the firing of Carrie Prejean as Miss California USA was not because of her opinions on gay marriage. He says that she failed to perform the duties that go with the title. Apparently, some video surfaced where Prejean fumbled with scissors, botching the ribbon-cutting at a new Jiffy-Lube.

“Little Rock”

In Germany, a 14-year-old boy was hit by a falling piece of meteorite which left a scar on his hand. More serious than his injury was his embarrassment after trying to convince the town that the sky was falling.

The meteorite fragment was pebble-sized and confirmed by astronomers to be from space. It is still unknown if it’s landing will be followed by creatures emerging from it, or if the boy will just develop superpowers.

“Digital Watch”

Friday was the last day for analog TV signal transmissions, and those who don’t have cable, satellite, or a digital converter box will only see static. Analog clocks will still work, but no one can read them.

The places most affected by the switch are poor, rural areas. So now the only working antennas in those homes are on the cockroaches.

There are a few, small, poor, rural groups that can still see one show without a digital converter: The cast of VH1’s cheesy reality shows can watch themselves in the live monitors.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

“Position: Heal Thyself”

President Obama said today that the country needs an overhaul in our healthcare system that can’t afford delay. Experts agree: between foreclosures and unemployment, there’s going to be a nation of homeless people with sunburn and summer colds.

“Museum Intolerance”

The gunman who shot and killed a guard inside Washington, D.C.’s Holocaust Memorial Museum this week has been identified as white supremacist and Holocaust denier James Wenneker von Brunn, or as Mel Gibson calls him, “Uncle Jimmy.”

Von Brunn’s violent crimes at the museum and subsequent capture follow his personal history of bungled hate crimes, getting caught, and going to prison. For a white supremacist, he certainly doesn’t seem to be proving the case for supremacy, does he?

An anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, von Brunn’s cold-blooded murder at the Holocaust Museum doesn’t seem to be making people forget the Holocaust, either.

Based on the idea that museums are established to memorialize provable events and historical facts, there may be an effort to build a “Von Brunn Is a Loser” museum.

In a related story, even in Hollywood, no one is stupid enough to green-light a new Ben Stiller starring vehicle in the form of an action comedy sequel, A Night at the Museum: Battle at the Holocaust Memorial.

“Element-ary School”

A superheavy, new chemical element will be officially named and added to the periodic table of elements as number 112. The element was first produced with a particle accelerator in 1996, but those unfamiliar with the discovery will refer to it as the element of Surprise.

“Close the Gate-or Door”

A Mississippi man taking out the trash found an 8-foot alligator in the garage of his grandparents' home, hiding under the car. Police were called and were able to catch the gator and suspect that he may have been trying to steal the car.

The garage door had been left open, it was assumed, mainly because no one living in the house could remember giving the spare door opener to an alligator.

The nearest body of water was more than 3 miles away, leading authorities to believe the alligator had hitchhiked.

Authorities said that gator captures and relocations are not uncommon during mating season. In fact, lately they have been swamped.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

“Takin’ Ill.”

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich agreed to appear in a Second City Theatre comedy revue in chicago, satirizing himself and helping to raise money for charity through ticket sales. Ironically, all his troubles began when he tried to sell just one seat.

Capitalizing on her husband’s fame, Rod’s wife Patti is currently appearing on the reality television show, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here, which is exactly what Rod will be chanting once he goes to prison.

Blogojevich’s willingness to mock himself is proof that he’s not so different from other people. Specifically, everyone is glad to see him mocked.

“Globe on the Block” or “Times’ Square Deal” or “New Spin on The Globe”

The New York Times Company, owners of The Boston Globe newspaper, are looking to sell off the latter publication due to drops in ad revenue and a union contract dispute. In fact, things are so desperate for the Globe, they’ve taken to having young boys try to collect money door to door.

Boston locals are unaware of the planned sale or business difficulties, because no one there reads the newspaper anymore.


Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean has been stripped of her title by pageant owner Donald Trump for “failing to honor her commitments” as Miss California, USA. More specifically, she failed to sleep with Donald Trump.

During the Miss USA pageant, Prejean was famously asked her opinion about gay marriage and answered that she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman. The controversy that followed proved that no one is interested in pageant contestants for their opinions.

Her future plans include entering the Miss Straight California pageant.

“Great White Alba Core” or “Shark Attack”

Jessica Alba has been accused of defacing public property in Oklahoma City by gluing up unauthorized posters depicting the plight of the great white shark, whose population is decreasing. Alba apologized for her lapse of judgment, which covers this incident as well as her part in the movie Good Luck Chuck.

Alba’s efforts may still have had her intended effect, however, because, since her posters went up, not one great white shark has been killed in Oklahoma City.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

“Idol of ‘Stone’”

One of American Idol’s most talked about, suspected-to-be-gay celebrities has come out. No, not Ryan Seacrest.

American idol runner-up Adam Lambert has told Rolling Stone magazine in an interview that he is gay. It’s the glam-rocker’s way of generating post-show… what’s the opposite of shock?

“Bonds of Marriage”

Barry Bonds’ wife of 11 years, Liz Watson, has filed for legal separation. Even though she kept her maiden name, if they divorce she wants physical custody of the asterisk.

“Fishy Story”

In the Gulf of Mexico, a Florida fisherman reeled in a live missile used in military weapons training and then kept it on his boat for 10 days. He was hoping to encounter pirates, just so he could say , “Go ahead. Make my day.”

The Air Force confirmed that that the fisherman had indeed caught a live, air-to-air guided missile. In a related story, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is now trying to find out what he was using for bait.

The saltwater-corroded bomb was unstable, but the fisherman didn’t think it would detonate because there was neither a visible timer counting down nor ominous action-movie music.

The fisherman was truthful about where he’d caught the missile and how long he had it before docking, but, out of habit, exaggerated its size to his friends.

A bomb squad dismantled the missile in an empty lot, and then deep fried up the pieces and served them with chips.

Monday, June 8, 2009

“Cast in a Different Light”

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle at La Guardia Airport on her way back to Washington, D.C. Republicans say her accident occurred because of what they’ve stipulated all along: that she was leaning too far to the left.

Conservatives are now fighting over the credit for being the one who tripped her up.

In her ongoing hearings, Sotomayor may have a more difficult time justifying her position on many legal issues. Because of the cast on her ankle, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Going Underground” or “Dig Deeper”

Construction has begun on the new $8.7 billion, 8-year tunnel project between for New York and New Jersey passenger rail, which will double the current daily commuter capacity. To pay for the project, people leaving New York can ride free, but they can charge whatever they want for people desperately trying to escape from New Jersey.

“Broadway’s Biggest Hits” or “Brett a Knock-out at Tonys”

At the Tony awards, singer Brett Michaels was hit in the head by a piece of scenery, causing a broken nose and cut lip that required 3 stitches. In other words, Radio City Music Hall did what 3 seasons’ worth of Rock of Love skanks couldn’t.

Michaels was in good spirits following the incident, probably because the accident did not damage his hair extensions.

After receiving stitches, doctors said that for follow-up care, Michaels, quote, “Don’t Need Nothin’… But a Good Time.”

“A Hole in Their Story”

A massive black hole in the center of the nearby M87 galaxy has been measured to be the biggest known at 6.4 billion times the mass of our sun, on the equivalent of 4 Kirstie Alleys.

Astronomers say that the black hole is much bigger and heavier than previously thought, finally giving scientific proof that black really is slimming.

Friday, June 5, 2009

“Keep on Truckin’”

The trucking industry is locked in a battle to try to change federal law to allow larger freight vehicles, saying more freight in fewer trips will save fuel and money. Opponents say larger 18-wheelers would cause safety hazards and road damage. Not surprisingly the proposal for bigger, longer trucks came from some men with small penises.

“Injected into the Job Market”

A Virginia clinic is giving free Botox to people who are unemployed and fear age discrimination during their job search. That way, they might be jobless, but at least they can’t frown about it.

As a bonus, once they get hired they can take paid sick days for having botulism.

“College Junior”

Here in Los Angeles, Moshe Kai Cavelin, an 11-year old math and science prodigy, graduated from college this week, but the modest pre-teen doesn’t want to be called a genius. He won’t be, since he got his degree at East L.A. Community College.

Now that he’s a college graduate, his future plans include waiting around for five years until he can drive to a job.

“Ticket Master”

A South Dakota rancher became a multimillionaire this week when he came forward with the winning Powerball lottery ticket for a $232 million jackpot. He plans to acquire more land for his horses, buy more cattle, and put giant cowboy hats on the presidents’ heads at Mt. Rushmore.

Long standing lottery tradition demands that he spends the money on stupid things, and that he winds up penniless, but first he has to turn into a complete asshole.

“Flush with Cash”

Europe’s discount fare airline Ryanair is following through on a statement that the company will start charging a toilet usage fee during flights. The cost will be 1 pound, which the airline describes as a drop in a bucket.

They are also discussing the removal of some onboard bathrooms to make room for more seats on each plane, according to one information leak. Ultimately, that may not be all that leaks.

Analysts say that free market competition will determine whether a pay-to-pee policy will hurt business enough to change it. They call it a variation on trickle-down economics.

There are safety concerns. For example, some say that this new policy may increase the likelihood of a water landing.

Passengers who don’t have the money but have to go number 1 can request a window seat.

Passengers who don’t have the money but have to go number 2 will be given a parachute.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

“Talk Liked By Egyptians”

President Obama delivered a speech at the University of Cairo in Egypt today, addressing the world’s Muslim population, saying it was time to “seek a new beginning” with the United States. So, first, we just split all the oil equally…

Critics worry that Obama’s efforts to ally with the Muslin world could sell Israel’s interests down the river. Some think it won’t come to that; others say he’s in d’Nile.

Following his speech, Obama toured the pyramids of Giza. While standing at the foundation of the biggest, admiring the giant, old structure, he instinctively offered it a federal bailout.

Obama did not seem interested in viewing any of the 3,000 year old mummies in the region. He felt no need to see them, having previously been up close to John McCain.

“Morbid Tone” or “You’ll Never Take Me Alive, Copper”

The lawyer for a Florida man accused of murdering his wife has entered the theory that the victim’s spray-on tan caused an allergic reaction that resulted in her asphyxiation. That makes the cause of her death either even darker-than murder, or a darker-even-tan murder.

This death-by-spray-tanning defense makes all others pale by comparison.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

“The Four Seasons”

Miley Cyrus has signed on for a 4th season of Hannah Montana. Cyrus starred in the recent movie adaptation after 3 hit seasons and is getting ready for her next concert tour. Cyrus had not decided yet whether her obligatory downward spiral will be aided by alcohol, drugs, or a sex tape.

Optimists hope she’ll Drew Barrymore at that point, rather than Lindsey Lohan, but even the most cynical are doubtful that she would ever Amy Winehouse.

“Power Play”

Forbes magazine’s annual list of the most powerful celebrities has a new number 1 this year, with Angelina Jolie ousting Oprah Winfrey. Graciously, Oprah will give Angelina a 24 hour head start before hunting her down and killing her.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

“China Takes the Wheel”

Having filed for bankruptcy protection, General Motors has tentative plans to hand over its Hummer brand to a large industrial company in China. GM may be accused of stereotyping the Chinese in its Hummer sell-off, where their original plans were to have executive bonus money laundered and the company folded.

“You Can’t Buy Class”

A new federal report says that home schooling has doubled in wealthy families over the last 10 years, rising to 1.5 million, or 2.9% of all U.S. schoolchildren. The results are very positive overall, proven by the fact that those who went to public school, couldn’t have calculated that percentage.

There are some disadvantages to those who home school their kids, such as appearing schizophrenic when holding a parent-teacher conference.

Home schooling used to be more common among poor, rural families. In fact, many a hillbilly stereotype started when brothers and sisters had no one but each other to take to the prom.

“Filthy Satellite Pictures”

Scientists looking for hard-to-spot emperor penguins colonies in Antarctic regions have come up with a novel way to find and track them: using satellites in space to locate their droppings on sea ice. Skeptics say the research proves crap.

The satellites were not originally designed for this kind of use, but now that is their number two purpose.

The penguins, unaware that they were being observed by humans, still dressed formally.

Monday, June 1, 2009

“Cheney, Lately”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he does not believe there was any connection between the 9/11 terrorist attacks and Saddam Hussein. The only thing he concedes that they might have in common would be that George Bush didn’t do much to stop their execution.

“Raising the Gay Bar”

President Obama issued a proclamation honoring June as “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Pride Month,” an event that has grown over the past 25 years. Obama claimed to be the first president to appoint gay nominees at the beginning of an administration, which is true, even though Hillary Clinton hasn’t come out yet.

“Tossing Pizza”

In a Pizza Hut sponsored contest to eat the most P’zones, Tereku Kobyashi beat competitive eating rival Joey Chestnut, eating 5 ¾ of the 1-lb. pepperoni-pizza-calzone entrees in just 6 minutes. Not only was he thrilled to win, he also had no trouble immediately filling the trophy cup.

Presumably, the contest was also sponsored by marijuana.

The winner’s prize? The remaining ¼ pizza in a doggy bag.

Despite Kobayashi’s victory, in a contest like this, there really are no losers… except the two guys competing.

After his narrow victory, Kobayashi respects his rival, just not his own body.

After the contest, Kobayashi was yelling excitedly. Friends helped him to try to keep it down.

Kobayashi was already a six time hot-dog-eating world champion. Last year’s championship contest ended in a tie at 59 hot dogs. Kobayashi then won by eating 5 more franks in the tie-breaker, or as it is more aptly known, sudden death.

“Honeymoon in Vegas”

The Nevada legislature overrode the governor’s veto today to allow domestic partnerships, which would provide protections similar to marriage to both same sex and opposite sex couples. This means Siegfried and Roy can each finally get their common law wives on their insurance.

“Boyle Over”

Singer Susan Boyle was taken to a health clinic by ambulance following her loss in an upset after the Britain’s Got Talent finale. Once she stopped singing, the crowd predictably came after her with pitchforks and torches.

Boyle was rumored to be depressed and emotionally drained, possibly caused by seeing her own reflection in a teleprompter.

Hoping to parlay her singing success into theatre and film work like many American I Idol finalists, Boyle may seek the title role in the stage version of Beauty and the Beast.