David Hasselhoff is being Roasted on Comedy Central. If I were on the Dais, here's what I would have said, out of love for The Hoff:

A lot of people know David best from a show that featured him driving a car that was smarter than him. That show was called Baywatch.

Remember Knight Rider? They wanted to make the character of Michael Knight more like David in real life. They were going to rename him Michael Nightcap.

David became a sex symbol in the 80’s, and it’s easy to see why. Because at the time, gay men weren’t so picky.

David was featured in an iconic 80’s poster, dressed only in a Speedo and an open, black leather jacket. It was like Fonzie had joined The Village People.
- I’m kidding. The jacket was pleather.

And he’s always had that great head of hair. Even today, every casting director knows, he still gives great head.

Half the men in Hollywood only wish they could run their penis through that hair.
-And the other half have.

David also drew a lot of fans as a judge on America’s Got Talent. Which proves that America’s Got Problems.

America remembers seeing you in the audience on American Idol, where one performance so moved you, it brought you to tears. Or else, you were so plowed you were vomiting out your eyes.

David, we’re video taping this. Try to eat a cheeseburger so it’ll go viral.

They call him “The Hoff.” You know how he got that nickname? He only has hoff a penis.

Baywatch was on for 10 seasons. You know why it finally got cancelled? David drank the bay.

You know, there had been rumors that on the set of Baywatch, your pupils were often dilated. Of course they were. For 14 hours a day you had to watch Pam Anderson’s boobs bounce up and down.

All the women on Baywatch had these giant fake boobs. And that’s why I always admired you, David. You let yours get bigger naturally.
-That’s called integrity.

By the end of Baywatch, you could have used your own man-boobs as a flotation device.

The lifeguards on Baywatch, were so much like the lifeguards in real life. You know, they all had the life preserver, the whistle, and they all had that white stuff on their noses. You know, cocaine?

Baywatch was so popular that it spawned a spin-off, Baywatch Nights, where David’s character would investigate the unexplainable, like his popularity.

Baywatch Nights focused on paranormal mysteries, like Germans’ taste in pop music.

David is a huge recording star in Germany. Every year, he still goes back there for a huge tour in the fall. Or as the rest of Germany calls it, Oktoberfest.

David, the world has loved you in movies, as a TV action hero, and as a talent judge. Soon we’ll all be rooting for you on Celebrity Rehab.