A Plethera of Topics

President Obama, during a Ramadan dinner at the White House, expressed his support for the First Amendment, his first clear stance since taking office.

President Obama said, "Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan.” FOX News reported it as Obama’s support for the training of terrorists and stockpiling of weapons on private property in lower Manhattan.

-They then used that as a springboard to claim Obama wants to make all private property public property.

Newt Gingrich accused President Obama of "pandering to radical Islam." Gingrich was upset because Republicans like to think they cornered the market on pandering to the religious right.



Iranian Vice President Reza Rahimi says British people, are "not human.” The British took this as a compliment on their ability to hide their emotions.

Iranian Vice President Reza Rahimi says British people, are "not human.” He then added, “They are like sheep, which is why I want to have sex with them.”

He called Australians "a bunch of cattlemen." Rahimi retracted that statement when he realized it sounded like a compliment, just a really gay one.

Then he said Koreans "need to be slapped," which didn’t really affect the Koreans, but made a lot of kinky Japanese businessmen very jealous.



General David Petraeus suggested that he would not recommend large-scale withdrawals of U.S. troops from Afghanistan starting in July 2011. Mainly because in 2011, there still won’t be jobs for troops here in the U.S.



More than 500 people reported being bitten by vampire bats in the Peruvian Amazon. In an amazing coincidence, 500 million people got Twilight from Amazon.com.

More than 500 people reported being bitten by vampire bats in the Peruvian Amazon, which seems like an outrageous claim. How do they know it isn’t all from just one bat?



The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. Apparently, in Japanese, the phrase “track down” also translates to “dig up.”

The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. The first place they should look: The obituary section.

The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. Americans who heard about this were no help. That’s because they thought centenarians were those creatures that are half man, half horse.



A motorist in upstate New York was arrested during a traffic stop when police discovered a cat locked in his trunk, "marinating" in pepper, salt, and oil. The arresting officer described the man as “cooperative,” and the cat as “delicious.”

A motorist in upstate New York was arrested during a traffic stop when police discovered a cat locked in his trunk, "marinating" in pepper, salt, and oil. In the state of New York, blue laws from the 1800’s still make it illegal to eat p*ssy.



A Texas man drove more than 12,000 miles around the United States, using a satellite device to trace parts of his route that spell the message "READ AYN RAND." He did so as a means of obeying another message that had spelled out, “WASTE YOUR LIFE.”



A Pittsburgh man asked an Allegheny County judge to approve his request to change his name to Boomer the Dog. The judge didn’t mind being asked, but didn’t appreciate Boomer sniffing his crotch.

A Pittsburgh man asked an Allegheny County judge to approve his request to change his name to Boomer the Dog. While waiting for a decision, Boomer will check his paper-work, keep in touch with his lawyer, and curl up on the floor to lick his balls.



The U.S. beef industry is testing methods of cloning dead cows from ideal cuts of meat and mating those clones with natural cows to create the ultimate beef-producing livestock. The cloning is the easy part. The hard part is slipping the cloned cows the roofies without getting caught.



Levi Johnston, father of Sarah Palin's grandson, announced he would run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, in 2012. Clearly a publicity move by a fame-seeker with no political qualifications or experience, Johnston has already been named the Republicans’ 2012 Vice Presidential nominee.

Levi’s campaign would be the basis for a reality show. They are trying to come with a title, since “The Biggest Loser” is already taken.

Levi’s manager dismissed skepticism about his client's political career saying "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston." Of course, Jesus wasn’t in politics; he was a carpenter. Levi isn’t a carpenter just because he nailed Bristol Palin.

If Levi deserves to be compared to Jesus, let’s see if Jesus is announcing a fake engagement on next cover of “Deities Weekly.”