Friday, April 30, 2010

“Snow Globe”

The planet Saturn experienced a massive blizzard this week, exciting amateur astronomers who were able to witness the phenomenon. Meanwhile, children on Saturn were excited because school was cancelled.

In a related story, hot cocoa sales on Saturn have more than doubled.

“Comic Relief”

Saturday was the annual Free Comic Book Day, a comics publishers’ chance to interest new readers, and to hook comics fans into new titles. In either case, it amounts to one thing: Merry Christmas, nerds.

If you don't get free comics this Saturday, and you're male, take some consolation in the fact that you've kissed a girl.

“Cyclone of Information”

A large group of research scientists gathered in Oklahoma this weekend to begin searching for tornados. Their top priority is to learn why the movie Twister was so bad.

“Oil and Water”

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill spread to the marshland shores of Louisiana Friday, which is bad news for the animals and the environmental organizations trying to protect them. Its good news, though, for people who like their fish packed in oil.

“Hate to Burst NASA’s Balloon”

A NASA balloon intended to lift a gamma-ray telescope into the atmosphere Thursday crashed on take-off, destroying the telescope and overturning an SUV in its path. Said a NASA spokesman, “That’s the last time we use a Toyota balloon.”

The gamma ray telescope was completely destroyed, but nobody was exposed to actual gamma rays… except Dr. Bruce Banner, currently unaccounted for.

“We’ll Always Have Paris”

A lawsuit is asking Paris Hilton to return her $1 million pay for the box-office flop Pledge This!, with investors alleging that Paris did not promote the film as her contract dictated, causing it to fail. In the spirit of true justice, Paris is also being asked to pay $10 back to everyone who has ever had to see her in any movie.

“Husband Hunter” or “The Wife or Reille”

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter told Oprah Winfrey that she did not wreck Edwards marriage. John Edwards responded, “If that means she just wanted to have a threesome with Elizabeth and me, I’m still in.”

Reille refused to comment on the current status of her relationship with Edwards, implying that she was, for the time being, still content with the title of “home-wrecker.”

“Election Pageantry”

Maryline Blackburn, the woman who beat Sarah Palin in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant, is running as a Democrat for a state legislature seat in Georgia. Members of both parties hope the two former rivals reunite for a full-on cat-fight.

In the 1984 contest that led Blackburn to the Miss America pageant, her talent was singing. Palin’s was quitting.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

“Youth in Asia” or “What Do You a Want, a Medal?”

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its 2000 Olympic bronze medal for gymnastics, after an investigation proved that one of their athletes had been too young to compete. This brings shame upon China, but not its athletes for the next Olympics, because they haven’t been born yet.

Questions arose about the age of China’s gymnasts at the 2008 Games, but investigators didn’t get to interview them, because the athletes’ mommies and daddies don’t let them talk to strangers.

“Baby Boy Bullock”

This week Sandra Bullock revealed to People Magazine that she secretly adopted an African-American baby boy in New Orleans in January. He is 3 months old, is already 7 feet tall and hopes to some day play football for the Ravens.

The thing Sandra loves most about her new baby is that he’s not cheating on her with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

“Don’t Mess with Texas’ Governor” or “Coyote Deadly”

Texas Governor Rick Perry told the press Tuesday that he shot and killed a coyote that appeared to be coming after his Labrador puppy, who was running alongside him on a morning jog. The coyote kill was then celebrated by roadrunners everywhere.

Citizens of Texas were shocked over the incident. They couldn’t believe that their own governor would jog.

“Toyota Unstable”

Toyota has issued another recall, this time for the 2003 Sequoia SUV, over a stability control software issue. No accidents or injuries have been reported, but Toyota warns owners to watch out for other Toyotas with failed brakes before they smash into you.

Toyota says that Sequoia owners can either bring their vehicle into a dealership for a software fix or, better yet, just push it over a cliff and buy a Ford.

“Slick Trick” or “The Coast is Clearing”

Last week’s oil rig explosion near Louisiana’s coast caused an oil spill threatening nearby land and wildlife, prompting the U.S. Coast Guard to set the oil spill on fire so it would burn off while still a safe distance from shore. This marks the first time the Coast Guard has ever gotten to do anything cool.

"Seinfeld Curse"

Seinfeld star Jason Alexander hit a teen cyclist with his car on Tuesday, but luckily the boy wasn’t seriously hurt. As for Alexander, it was his first hit since Seinfeld.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

“You’ve Been Sold, Charlie Brown”

The Peanuts characters were sold Tuesday to retail brand license company Iconix for $175 million. The company plans to make that money back through Lucy, one 5-cent psychiatry session at a time.

Peanuts creator Charles Schulz’ family will still retain a minority ownership and called the transition bittersweet. Specifically, it’s a “good grief.”

The $175 million does not include funds to repair Snoopy’s doghouse so he can take another run at the Red Baron.

Fans can hardly wait to see if all this new pressure helps Charlie Brown finally kick the football.

An Iconix spokesman proudly said, “wah wah-wuh, wah-wah, wu wah wuh-wa whah,”

“Uk-Raining Eggs”

In Ukraine, Parliament members threw eggs at fellow members who supported their new president in extending the Russian navy’s use of a Ukrainian Black Sea port by 25 years. Those hit were very embarrassed, both to be covered in raw egg, and to be in the Ukrainian Parliament.

Once the eggs began being thrown, everyone scrambled.

Those opposing Russia’s extension aren’t saying the Ukrainian president is afraid of Russia, but they did say he was the one who laid the eggs they threw.

Parliament then did the only thing they could do; they got together and made a huge Russian omelet.

“Turkeys' Day”

Police and Animal Control authorities say that the growing population of wild turkeys nationwide has lead to more suburban encounters with the fearless and sometimes aggressive birds. The simplest solution to get them to keep their distance: dress like a Pilgrim.

Critics want action to be taken because, they say, every day more and more turkeys are taking our jobs or getting on welfare.

“Minor Damage”

The manager of a Detroit strip club was arrested after it was discovered that a girl working as a dancer was only 14 years old. Police say he should have known she was underage because she preferred to be tipped with cookies and milk.

The manager claims he didn’t know she was so young. He said, “She was just like all the other dancers: she was pretty, wore a lot of make-up, and had a 7th grade education.”

They should have known she was too young. On stage, when she slid down the pole, she said, “Whee!”

The manager should have realized how young she was. Her G-string was UndeRoos.

The girl had a fake ID, but the club should have known she wasn’t really 18: she doesn’t even have a baby.

She didn’t mind taking off her clothes, but she threw a temper tantrum when she had to pick them up from the stage.

The girl invited one of her regulars back to her crib, and it was actually a crib.

Monday, April 26, 2010

“Bush Tome”

Crown Publishers announced the upcoming release of Former President George W. Bush’s presidential memoirs, centered on the best decisions of his career. It will be titled The Paths Not Taken.

The publishers insist that Bush’s memoir is a presidential first: the entire manuscript was written in crayon.

The book highlights Bush’s decisions through the most challenging moments of his presidency, including 9/11, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and more. But every single chapter ends with “Decided to do what Mr. Cheney told me to.”

Bush’s book really does mark an historical moment. It’s the first time anyone has ever written a book without ever having read one.

Bush says that now that he has found his literary voice, he looks forward to continuing to be a litterer.

“One Leg Ahead of the Rest”

Amy Palmeiro-Winters made sports history this week, becoming the first amputee named to a national U.S. track and field team after qualifying in Arizona in January. Her win there is what gave her a leg up.

Had her prosthetic leg disqualified her, she would have been hopping mad.

Amy admits she has faced many challenges, but has always been able to run from them.

“Dangerous Games”

The U.S. Supreme Court will consider a California case on a ban against the selling of violent video games to children. Video Game fans hope the Supreme Court will smack California’s ban down like it was a Grand Theft Auto hooker.

“Going for the Gold… Ring”,236732

Kerri Strug, the 1996 Olympic Gold medalist who famously landed a winning vault on one foot due to an ankle injury, got married this weekend, to boyfriend Robert Fischer. Strug now has another claim to fame: a winning gymnast who is not a lesbian.

“Hooray for Hefner”

The world-famous Hollywood sign, threatened with the sale of the land it sits on, was saved by Hugh Hefner, who donated $900,000 to get to the fundraising campaign’s goal of $12.5 million to buy the property. Hefner just wanted to prove that he could still keep it up.

In exchange, of course, the sign will have to pose naked for Playboy.

The campaign had already raised enough money to save “Holly,” but Hefner’s contribution also made sure that we’d forever have “Wood.”

Hefner has helped the Hollywood sign before, giving it a facelift in 1978. This time he wants it to get bigger letters.

Hefner insists that the sign should get implants in its O’s.

Hefner’s ultimate goal was to change the sign to spell Hollywood with a Double-D.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

“Learning Curves?” or "Prof Likes Thai Pros"

A Cal State Northridge economics professor is drawing attention over his website, a guide for tourists seeking prostitutes in Thailand. Critics are outraged, saying, “who needs help finding prostitutes in Thailand?”

“Carnival Thrill Ride”

Dozens of passengers received minor injuries Wednesday when a Carnival Cruise ship was forced to make a hard turn to avoid an object in front of the ship. Carnival made sure that anyone injured received 2-star medical care.

The hard leaning of the ship that caused the injuries is no cause for passengers to sue, the line says. In fact, signs everywhere on the ship specifically state, Carnival encourages tipping.

On the brighter side, passengers who fell were saved from a far worse fate: joining a Conga line.

Bleeping South Park

Comedy Central censored Wednesday’s episode of South Park, blocking and bleeping depictions and the name of Islam’s Muhammad, following a warning posted by a group called Revolution Muslim. In a related story, I am not writing any joke making fun of this group.

The group did not make a specific threat, but expressed that South Park’s creators could become victims of violence for the episode. Producers have tried to protect the characters, especially since – oh my God, they killed Kenny! “You bastards!”

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

“The Color of Money”

The newly redesigned $100 bill, slated to go into circulation next February, was unveiled Wednesday in Washington. The bill still features a large portrait of Benjamin Franklin, but after all these years, he has finally gotten rid of the mullet.

The new bills will be distributed to the nation’s larger banks, who will then begin to circulate the bills through embezzlement by their executives.

“Kate Gosselin Ditched Like She Was Jon Gosselin”

Kate Gosselin got voted of Dancing with the Stars in this week’s episode, conveying that the show’s title might now be truthful.

Kate’s dancing ability has won her a new dance-themed reality show, Kate Plus 2 Left Feet.

The people who were most passionately voting to send Kate home said, in unison, “Come home, Mommy.”

"Spock Out"

Actor Leonard Nimoy announced this week that he is retiring from acting. He will spend his retirement like most people, trying to live long and prosper.

Asked why he didn’t want to act anymore, Nimoy cocked one eyebrow and said : “It’s highly illogical.”

Nimoy will spend his time traveling, visiting with friends and family, and of course, purging himself of all human emotion.

Of course, when he says “retire” he means “give up telling people he’s done more than just ‘Spock’.”

“Clinton’s Job”

Former President Bill Clinton, who has been heading U.N. rebuilding efforts in Haiti, stressed the importance of reopening Haiti’s colleges and universities as soon as possible. Said Clinton, “It’s through college that people will find good jobs and rebuild the economy. Also, college is where we’ll find all the hot co-eds.”

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

“Charges Disappear”

A woman who had accused David Copperfield of luring her to the Bahamas and raping her has dropped her lawsuit. There was a lack of evidence; it all had disappeared.

The woman said that Copperfield forced her to perform sexual acts. He maintains that it was all just an illusion.

The woman gave testimony about Copperfield’s sexual style. She says he did it with smoke and mirrors.

Copperfield says they had consensual sex and then she tried to extort money from him, leading to her being charged with prostitution. In other words, when they got together, it was magical.

“Assault on Salt”

Public health advocates are pushing the FDA to further limit the amount of sodium in foods and beverages, as salt plays a key role in blood pressure and cardiovascular disease. Liberals are set to attack processed foods; conservatives want to blow up the oceans.

Conspiracy theorists say that getting salt off the table is just a ploy to make pepper lonely.

Some anti-activists are going too far, replacing table salt with cocaine.

The commercial overuse of salt has been hard to prove. Hidden-camera video of salt being added to foods in restaurants all turned out grainy.

“Shaking Things Up”

A senior cleric in Iran says that all the recent earthquakes in the world are being caused by the behavior of promiscuous women. It’s a vicious circle, though, because earthquakes have been making women shimmy, sway, and jiggle.

By that token, he considers the Earth itself slutty.

“Highest Trash Mound”

For the first time, the trash left behind by climbers around the peak of Mt. Everest is going to be picked up. Unless they don’t bag their leaves separately; then it will be left by the curb.

Newspapers must be bundled and tied with twine; otherwise they’ll fall down, 29,000 feet.

“Bishop Denied”

A British bishop convicted in a German court for denying the Holocaust on Swedish TV will have to pay a heavy fine. He will not lose his title, but from now on, the bishop can only be moved diagonally.

If the bishop is also gay, at least he’ll be happy to know Mel Gibson is single again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

“Benedict XVI Marks Year V”

At the Vatican, Pope Bendict XVI celebrated his papal ‘birthday,’ the 5th anniversary as the pontiff on Friday. He celebrated as he always does; enjoying the company of friends, sharing a cake made for him, and wearing a funny hat.

“Court Rules Down Prayer Religiously” or Judge Says no prayer, So Help Me, God”

A federal judge ruled the national Day of Prayer unconstitutional, saying it calls for government sanctioned religious action. For the same reason, the same judge also shot down the atheists’ National Day of Doing Nothing.

The judge’s decision affirms that the United States is a country without an official religion. On the other hand, this is also why God doesn’t have to participate in the census, pay taxes, or vote in this country.

Right after rendering the decision, the judge who struck it down was himself struck down by lightning.

“March of Mercury”

The national Climatic Data Center says that March was the warmest March ever, since records began being kept in 1880. Experts say the vast majority of the heat was coming off of Sandra Bullock’s face.

“Up a Creek with a Paddle”

The school board of Temple, Texas has reinstituted the use of a paddle to discipline students who misbehave. As a result, there has been a sharp increase in enrollment by adults into S&M.

Parents and school officials seemed to agree that corporal punishment was necessary to curb increasing disciplinary problems. Opponents say that the decision to use a paddle comes from listening to heavy metal music.

“Snake Belt”

In South Carolina, a man was arrested for striking another man in the face with his 4-foot python. The defendant may get off, since the law’s definition of this kind of incident is too constricting.

“Hey, that hurt. I’m going to sue you for every rodent you’ve got,” said the python.

Talking about his assaulter, the victim said, “Well luckily for me, he didn’t have a pet anaconda. Or penis.”

Thursday, April 15, 2010

“King of Marriages”

TV’s Larry King is seeking divorce from his 7th wife, Shawn, after 13 years of marriage. Larry says he wants to end the marriage because he doesn’t remember who the hell she is.

His wife is seeking alimony, 3 houses, and custody of their 2 children, but doesn’t want anything from Larry’s CNN TV show. To which, Larry replied, “I have a TV show?”


A mayoral candidate who died a few weeks ago still won the Tracy City, Tennessee election Tuesday. His shocked opponent, the incumbent mayor, really thought her campaign strategy would work, having run on a platform of being alive.

This is a rare instance where the winning candidate didn’t even vote for himself.

The press are already trying to did up dirt on him.

The question now is, is the current lame-duck mayor still considered less effective than the incoming mayor-elect?

The new mayor is already buried… in paperwork.

The new mayor will not be repealing the local death tax, since it would be seen as self-serving.

Tracy City stands by their choice, saying this is the only way to get a politician who isn’t corrupt.

The city is ready for these new special challenges. For example, they’ve agreed to accept any city documents that the mayor signs by Ouija board.

This story will soon be adapted to a new original SyFy TV series: Ghost Mayor!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

“Pamela Anderson: Busted?”

Pamela Anderson reportedly owes almost half a million dollars to the state of California in back taxes. The amount seems high until you consider the degree to which Pamela’s got back.

Stories of her financial troubles came to light about 6 months ago, surprising many. As far as the public knew, she had huge mounds… of money.

Pamela hasn’t seemed worried. For years, she has gotten used to her resources getting bigger, then smaller, then bigger, then smaller.

Publicly, Pamela has waxed philosophical about the issue. And based on her personal grooming history, that’s probably not all she waxed.

Her ex, Tommy Lee, has said that if Pamela needs a loan of money, he could give her a big one.

“UCS Foundation Going Rogue”

At UC, Sacramento controversy erupted this week over a school foundation’s refusal to disclose contract terms for an upcoming speaking engagement by Sarah Palin. Among the former Alaska governor’s requests is either first class commercial or else private air transportation, in either case meaning a helicopter equipped with loaded hunting rifles.

A document containing details of Palin’s conditions including accommodations had been thrown away, prompting questions, such as, who the hell wants Sarah Palin in California?

“Crazy King” or “Broiled in Controversy”

Mental health advocates protested a new Burger King as where their King mascot is being chased as he crashes through windows to hand out a low-priced sandwich, all the while being called “crazy.” Similarly Jack in the Box is being protested by people with giant heads.

Things got even uglier when Burger King called competitor McDonald’s mascot a clown.

No word yet whether or not the controversy will force the King to abdicate the throne.

Also upset with Burger King: people who like good French fries.

“Getting Schooled in Mississippi”

On Tuesday a federal judge ordered the school district of Tylertown, Mississippi to stop segregating black and white children in elementary schools. The judge also ordered Mississippi into the 21st Century.

The case proved one shocking point: Mississippi does have schools.

The racial segregation in the case seemed to be limited to elementary school students, from kindergarten through 5th grade. This means the affected students were between the ages of 5 and 19.

“Broken Braveheart”

Mel Gibson and his singer girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva have split up. The two just had a baby a few months ago, perhaps straining the relationship. In October, Oksana had delivered a bouncing baby Jew.

Even at the height of their romance, Gibson had openly said they had no plans to marry. Then, since the baby was born, Mel began to complain that Oksana had taken over the banks and the media.

People magazine reports that the couple “just drifted apart,” meaning, she’s not actually crazy.

“Frozen Beef”

Meat companies are blaming a sharp rise in the cost of beef on the harsh winter. It was a cold winter for cattle…
It was so cold, when they slaughtered the cows, the meat was already frozen.

It was so cold, steers were complaining that their horns were suffering from shrinkage.

It was so cold, dairy cows were giving ice cream.

It was so cold, cows wanted to be grilled, just to be close to the fire.

It was so cold, cows were wearing leather jackets.

It was so cold, bulls were charging at bullfighter’s capes just for their warmth.

Their teeth chattered so loud, you couldn’t hear the cows’ bell.

The cows were shivering so much, they gave milk shakes.

The cattle shivered so much that they were turned into beef herky-jerky.

There may be more cow jokes here, but I think I’ve milked it for all its worth.

If you don't like stories or jokes like these, don't have a cow.

“Wild Cats”

A Pennsylvania woman was sentenced to house arrest for animal cruelty after piercing the ears of black cats and marketing them for sale over the Internet as “Gothic kittens.” Authorities agree, though, that the real cruelty was making the cats listen to all that awful emo music.

A small bird testified that he believed the woman also tattooed the cats. He said, “I tawt I taw a Puddy tat.”

“Out of State Funeral”

President Obama is attending the funeral for the president and first lady of Poland this weekend. Secret Service is making inquiries to find out how many Poles it will take to… provide additional security.

Despite the tragic plane crash that took the president’s and the first lady’s lives, the Polish government asserts that the country’s aircraft are perfectly safe, just like the Polish submarines, since their screen doors were removed.

Joe Biden may also attend the funeral, but his aides have been carefully instructed to keep the Vice President from breaking a light bulb just to see how many locals then come around to change it.

“Texas Hold ‘Em”

Dr. Conrad Murray, the physician charged for Michael Jackson’s death, has now been restricted from prescribing or using anesthetics or heavy sedatives in the state of Texas as well as California. However, in the other 48 states, Murray is still free to kill people.

Monday, April 12, 2010

“Munchkin Mourned”

Meinhardt Rabbe, who as a young man played the coroner of Munchkinland in the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz, died at the age of 94. Though remembered for playing the quotable character, in show business, he never rose to greater heights.

The Orange Park, FL medical examiner confirmed that not only is he merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.

“Court Limiting Freedom of Slurred Speech?”

A federal appeals court has upheld a Virginia ban on alcohol ads in college newspapers. Experts say that this will result in college students cutting down on partying, if your definition of partying is reading ads in newspapers.

When in public, instead of using a plain paper bag, college students can now wrap their liquor bottles in a college newspaper without fear that ads for booze might give them away.

Fortunately, students will still be allowed to read their college newspaper while drunk.

Friday, April 9, 2010

"Text-Mex" or “Registration Nation”

Mexico is imposing a phone service cut-off deadline to enforce national cell phone registration, since cell phones are frequently used in kidnap-for-ransom plots. The plan will stop these crimes, as long as kidnappers willingly register their real names.

Kidnappers have been forever foiled, unless they figure out that they could just use their victim’s phone to make the ransom call.

In light of all the kidnappings in Mexico, Apple is designing the iRansom app.

“Pope on the Ropes”

A letter written by Pope Benedict XVI in 1985, before his papacy, emerged this week where he delayed removal of a priest accused of abuse 4 years earlier. The Vatican admits the signature of then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is authentic. Said a critic of the Church: If he had nothing to hide, then why the hell did he change his name? Aha! Gotcha!”

The critic went on to criticize the letter’s spelling and penmanship.;_ylt=AvnoJMB0EbWOCTwEaGfdV1frTrp_;_ylu=X3oDMTM5a2J1aDN0BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNDA5L3VzX3BvcGVfY2h1cmNoX2FidXNlBGNjb2RlA21vc3Rwb3B1bGFyBGNwb3MDNgRwb3MDNgRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA2FwZXhjbHVzaXZlZg--

"AIDS Pill”

Researchers are working on a pill that could prevent people from contracting AIDS. The pill makes you look like Hillary Clinton so no one wants to have sex with you.

“Trouble Brewing”

This week, Carlsberg brewery workers went on strike due to a decision to limit drinking at work to lunch breaks. Employees complained, “This means that from now on, every day, coming to work here is going to be like… a job!”

“Space Chicks” or "Astrogen"

After Monday's space shuttle launch, four women were in space at the same time for the first time ever. Until, of course, their menstrual cycles synch up and they kill each other.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

“Tiger Back on Course”

Tiger Woods returned to golf this week, playing at the Masters, complete with the media’s hole-by-hole attention. The media also covered his golfing.

Spectators of the Masters have come mainly from two groups: fans of golf as a sport and people who just wanted to see if Tiger would crash his cart into a tree.

“Kate + Plus TV Fate”

Kate Gosselin will be starring in her own new TV series, Twist of Kate, which will feature profiles of women with their own special challenges in life. Jon Gosselin had his own idea for a show for his ex-wife, Twist of Kate’s Neck ‘til her Head Pops Off.

Asked how she plans to use the earnings from this new show to support her 8 children, Kate said, “What children?”

“Duchess Down”

Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, the Duchess of Wales, broke her leg while hiking in Scotland Thursday. Charles intends to shoot her, rather than let the poor creature suffer.

Fortunately, Camilla still has the other 3 good legs to walk on.

Camilla was taken to the hospital where X-Rays confirmed a fracture, necessitating a cast for the next 6 weeks. This, of course, is all code for royal, elective, plastic surgery.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

“Navratilova Wins… Against Cancer”

It was announced Wednesday that tennis great Martina Navratilova is being treated for DCIS, a common, non-invasive type of breast cancer. Navratilova’s diagnosis really highlights the fact that men can get breast cancer, too.

Navratilova has responded well to treatment and joked about radiation causing hair loss. In particular, she is worried that it could thin her beard.

Her lumpectomy was a success, and radiation treatment will help her lower the risk of the cancer coming back. So the ball is in her court.

Martina had intended to keep the news private, but went public once it hit the ‘Net.

“Kyrgyzstan Coup Spells Trouble”

The opposition party in the Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan claims to have taken control of the government, forcing the resignation of the Prime Minster. Their take-over strategy was simple: They took control of all the consonants in Kyrgyzstan, leaving the vowels no choice but to fall in line.

Yesterday, the opposition had taken over through day-long demonstrations of unrest in the streets which turned violent, with damage costs adding up to over $7.

“Cherry Bomb”

Actress Nicolette Sheridan is suing her former Desperate Housewives boss, Marc Cherry, over an alleged slap in the face in 2008. As punishment, Nicolette seeks a court order forcing Cherry to listen to music by her ex-fiancé, Michael Bolton.

Nicolette maintains that per her contract, she was to have her ass, not her face slapped.

“Jon & Kate Plus 15 More Minutes of Fame”

Jon Gosselin is suing ex-wife and Dancing with the Stars competitor, Kate for custody of all 8 of their children. Jon doesn’t want his kids raised by a woman who is getting more attention than him.

Jon says Kate failed to provide proof of the children’s expenses she expected him to pay. For example, why did the children all need blonde hair extensions?

“Jennifer’s (Student) Body”

Megan Fox and Brian Austin green appeared in a new video ridiculing Governor Schwarzenegger’s proposed education budget cuts. Outraged citizens are now to demanding to know, “Who the hell is Brian Austin Green?”

Friday, April 2, 2010

"Sorry, Charlie"

Actor John Forsythe, known as the voice of "Charlie" on the hit 1970's TV show Charlie's Angels, died this week at the age of 92. In honor of that show, women are being asked to pay their respects at his memorial by not wearing a bra.

Drywall All Wet

The federal government says that about 3,000 U.S. homes built with harmful Chinese drywall will need to be completely gutted. Or, if you own one of these homes AND have a Toyota in the garage, just blow your house up and start all over.

These homes will have to replace wiring, piping, circuit breakers, and more, as well as the drywall itself. The Big Bad Wolf says to skip drywall altogether, and recommends building houses out of straw or sticks.

China has volunteered to replace the drywall with asbestos, and then cover it with a delicious lead paint.

C-section get an F

In North Carolina, 2 doctors are being disciplined for a 2008 case of performing a C-section on a woman who turned out not to be pregnant. The doctors defended themselves saying, “At least we were right when we said the patient was a woman.”

Of the 2 doctors, 1 no longer delivers babies. The other thinks she does, but she’s just playing with a jack-in-the-box.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

“Chocolate Hearts”

A study in Germany has found that small amounts of chocolate can help control blood pressure and protect the heart. Said Oprah Winfrey: “America, this is why I eat so. Much. Chocolate. I’m taking care of 100 million women’s Heaaaarrts!”

This will prove to be a boon for next year’s Valentine’s Day candy, which thrives on chocolate-filled hearts.

“Icky Martin”

Last week Ricky Martin publicly came out as a homosexual man. This was to clarify for his fans who thought he was just a tall woman with short hair.

Some media outlets had begun to refer to him as Dick Martin after misinterpreting his statement, “I prefer Dick.”

He is making this announcement now because for the last few years he has been living La Vida In Obscurity.

“No French Toast”

France’s First Lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, did not have tea with Michelle Obama on her trip to Washington this week. Since tea is more equated with British tradition, Bruni-Sarkozy went with the more French tradition of snubbing an American.