Friday, June 29, 2012

“Marriage: A Risky Business” or Marriage Impossible: Gay Protocol”

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to divorce after 5 years of marriage.  Or at least, 5 years of pretend marriage.

Tom and Katie supposedly have a prenup, so he will likely keep most of his assets after the divorce is final, and Katie will get to go have sex with a man.

The divorce finally came because after five years, you can’t help but get tired of a partner who just isn’t as much of a man as you want.  And Katie probably has her reasons, too.

As husbands go, Tom came up a bit short.

The marriage has shown signs of strain ever since America saw all the sexual tension in Tom’s interview with Matt Lauer.

Rumor has it that Tom slept with as many women on the set of Rock of Ages as he has on every other movie he’s done: none.

Tom will continue with his movie career, and Katie will go back to Dawson’s Creek.  Not the show; that was cancelled years ago.  She’s actually going to a tiny town called Dawson’s Creek.

Their daughter Suri Cruise is confused by the whole thing, but she does understand even though her 2 mommies love her very much, they won’t be living together in separate bedrooms anymore.

Tom insists that his marriage to Katie and their family life was real.  He says, “If I was going to fabricate the basic structural elements for a group of people to build their lives around, pretending it had depth or meaning, getting them to grow within that structure, the whole time knowing it’s a complete farce, I would have invented Scientology.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

“Weight of their Words”

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force is calling on doctors to be the “gateway” for obese patients seeking to lose weight, since medical professionals should know which diets and other methods are safe and effective.  The physicians are willing to act as gateways, the problem is that most of their patients no longer fit through a standard size gate.

One thing that’s hurting patients’ confidence in informed medical opinions:  fat doctors.

“Water Test”

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

“Airport/Job Security”

The TSA said Wednesday that they fired 8 of their workers at the Newark airport for various violations, including sleeping on the job.  First the TSA agents were feeling up passengers, now they sleeping with them.

The TSA looked at several job performance factors, and while some employees had to be let go, those who were the very worst at their jobs got promoted.

The workers were allowed to pack up their personal effects in a box, as long as there were no liquid containers larger than 3 oz.

Now those workers are about to find out how much harder it is to do a job search than it is to administer a strip search.

Fired workers are hoping to find another job that requires advanced groping skills.

Monday, June 25, 2012

“Trebek’s Heart in Jeopardy!”

Alex Trebek has suffered a mild heart attack.  EMTs were on the scene quickly, but the money was only awarded to the one with the quickest response.

Now Alex is trying to get answers from his doctors, but the doctors have to phrase them in the form of a question.

While in the hospital, Alex was given a single room, but opted to downgrade to a Daily Double.

On the plus side, Trebek’s doctors tend to be smarter than, say, Wheel of Fortune’s doctors.

When the first paramedic hit his defibrillator, it locked out the others’ defibrillators, so they didn’t have the chance to buzz in.

A normal, human heart has 4 chambers, 2 auricles, and 2 ventricles.  Trebeks has 5 chambers per row, in 6 different categories.

Alex Trebek’s hospital gown was furnished by Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills.

To prevent another heart attack, Alex may have to be more careful with his diet and other lifestyle factors, depending on how much he wants to wager.

Before his cardiologist told Alex the results of his tests, Trebek already knew – but only because he was had the answers on the index cards he was holding.

Trebek’s heart surgeon operated in exchange for promotional consideration.

The medical bills will be for thousands and thousands of dollars.  Luckily for Alex, what  Medicare won’t cover, Ken Jennings will.

If Alex doesn’t take his doctor’s advice, he could be putting himself in double Jeopardy!

When asked what the heart attack was like, Trebek described it as feeling like someone put one of his Emmy awards on his chest.

While in the hospital, Trebek won a Daytime Emmy award as the host of Jeopardy.  To win more votes next year, Pat Sajak is planning a heart attack right before the Daytime Emmys. 

Monday, June 18, 2012

"No Hitter"

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

“Hall of Television”

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.

Friday, June 15, 2012

“Forest Chump”

After almost a year, the young man who had become famous as Germany’s “Forest Boy,” claiming to have lived in a tent in the woods for 5 years, has admitted that he made the whole thing up.  Police had been unable to see the forest through the trees.

The 20-year-old from the Netherlands will now be known as “The Lying Dutchman.”

Berlin Police had been suspicious of the young man’s story, but they had no ways of making him talk.

Dutch authorities are now wondering what happened to his sister, who was last seen in the forest on her way to a house made of gingerbread.

“Saint or Ain’t?”

Researchers say that bones that were found in a sarcophagus in an ancient church in Bulgaria may belong to St. John the Baptist.  The ID may be premature.  Their conclusion is based solely on the fact that the bones were found with a squirt gun.

The evidence the researchers  have are 6 bone fragments from an 1st Century Middle Eastern male, and a drivers license that says John the Baptist.

The human bone fragments were side by side with 3 animal bones.  Some religious groups are hoping the animals  turn out to be 2,000 year-old dinosaurs. 

“Heart Vader”

Max Page, the 7-year-old boy who, in 2011, played little Darth Vader in a hit Superbowl commercial for Volkswagon is recovering following successful surgery to replace a heart valve Thursday.   Fortunately, he hasn’t turned to the Dark Side.

The new heart valve is by Volkswagon.

The Sith would love to really get their hands on little Max, but they won’t be able to turn the Page.

His doctors are recommending that in order to heal, he needs to get lots of rest, take his meds, and use the Force.

Some were worried Max might not pull through.  Max answered them with, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Fortunately, young Vader has the best doctors on Tattooine.

George Lucas plans to go back and digitally alter Max’s heart so it never had a defect, as he originally intended.

In a somewhat related story, former child actor Jake Lloyd spent the week in good health, on a rented couch in his underwear.

“Deportment of Homeland Security”

On Friday, President Obama announced that the government will no longer seek to deport illegal aliens under 30 if they came to the U.S. as children.  Proving to birthers that he was born in Kenya.

Obama’s move will halt undocumented immigrants from facing deportation, and will allow them work permits under certain conditions.  Condition 1: they have to vote for him.

This is Obama’s second major win in solving the illegal immigration problem.  The first was curbing the desire to sneak into America, since there are no jobs.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney’s idea of solving the problem of illegal immigration is to outsource all jobs to Mexico.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

“R.I.P. – An End to ‘The Feud’”

Richard Dawson, longtime host of Family Feud, has died at the age of 79.  He’d had brushes with death before, but this was his third strike.

Richard now moves on to the afterlife.  Or as he would call it, the Big Money Round.

As he now ascends and is greeted by angels, he will kiss each and every one on the lips.

We surveyed 100 people, asking “Where is Richard Dawson now?”  “Heaven” was the number-1 answer.

“Presidential Post”

President Barack Obama wrote a note for a 5th grade student to excuse him for missing class after the boy’s father introduced the president for a speech in Minnesota.  According to the Republicans, the president is used to making excuses.

The note from Obama sais that it wasn’t young Tyler’s fault that he was absent from class.  The fault rested with the previous administration.

Since the problem was missing class, the richest Americans are trying to simplify matters by eliminating the middle class.

“Good Sho”

Sho Yano, a child prodigy who began college at age 9 and already has PhD’s in both molecular genetics and cell biology, is about to graduate from medical school at the University of Chicago.  He has also earned a minor in showing off.

Once he has his medical degree, he’ll change his name to Doogie Yano.

Monday, June 4, 2012

"Lantern Pride" or "Green Light in the Loafers"

In DC Comics reboot of its comic book universe, it has made the Green Lantern of Earth 2 gay.  Or their just assuming he is based on the costume.

Apparently, the Green Lantern Corps, who defend the universe, just got rid of their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

DC isn’t sure how many people will buy the new comic, but many of his fans are at least buy-curious.

The source of the hero’s power is his lantern’s magic flame.  That power remains his as long as the flaming lasts.

Green Lantern won’t rest until he captures Sinestro, the guy in the skintight bodysuit, who has an oversized, pink head.

Gay advocacy groups are worried about stereotyping.  Why does the gay superhero have to be the one wearing jewelry?

The Green Lantern doesn't just want to be friends with the other Justice League members, he want to be Super Friends.

As an openly gay hero, Green Lantern is trying to encourage Batman and Robin to come out of the cave.

The gay Green Lantern is already embracing the wilder side of the lifestyle.  For instance, he no longer sports his power ring on his hand.