From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007

Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.

So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.

Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.

Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?

Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”



Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.



Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?

Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.



A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?

The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).

This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.

From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.

The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.



The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?



A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.



A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.



As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.

The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.

Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.

The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.