“Star-Light”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/story/2011-10-18/starbucks-lighter-roast/50816978/1

Starbucks has introduced its new, lighter coffee, calling it a “blonde roast.”  While Starbucks classic roasts have been labeled dark or bitter by some, there is already a preconceived notion that the blonde roast will be dumb and slutty.

That, of course, will make it popular.

The heavy marketing of the lighter coffee is an expensive initiative, but as the saying goes, “Blondes have more funds.”

“What’s Gaga Brewing?”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/advertising/2011-05-18-starbucks-lady-gaga_n.htm

Starbucks is teaming up with Lady Gaga for a major cross-promotional publicity campaign.  They really had no choice, since both entities are already everywhere.

Apparently, Starbucks will provide the coffee beans, which Gaga will then bump and grind.

As part of the Starbucks deal, Gaga’s music will be strong, sensual, and overpriced.

Gaga’s only complaint about Starbucks coffee was this: “When I drink too much coffee, it really makes me have to pee a lot… through my penis.”

“Small Misunderstanding”

Starbucks is being sued after an El Paso location fired a barista because she is a dwarf.  Sad to see that another job hasn't worked out for Katie Couric.

The woman filed her lawsuit in Small Dames' Court.

The woman was really fired because she was making all of the drinks with half shots, half powder, half & half...

Starbucks said they had to let her go, since she's go off every time someone ordered a 'Tall.'

The Starbucks manager explained, “There was no discrimination here.  We had to fire her, because every day she worked, the register was short.  So that's what I told her, every day.  'You're short.  Really short… Plus, you're a midget.'”

In light of the lawsuit, Starbucks says that the woman is just blowing everything slightly out of proportion.

“Coffee Talk”

http://money.cnn.com/2011/01/19/technology/mobile_payments/index.htm?hpt=T2

Starting this past Wednesday, Starbucks is allowing consumers to buy coffee drinks using their phones. So cell phone use is now back up to $3.99 a minute.

Happy customers appreciate the convenience, and don’t mind that their phones now taste burned.

If you choose an international flavor, you’ll also be charged for roaming.

“Coffee to Lo-Go”

Starbucks has overhauled their logo by removing the words “Starbucks Coffee”. The ink they save will go into the coffee, to improve the taste.

“StarBooze”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2010-10-18-starbucks18_CV_N.htm?csp=hf

In Seattle, Starbucks has opened its new prototype café that serves regional beer and wines. Customers say the atmosphere is cool, but the beer is too hot and the wine tastes burned.

The new business model could really be a hit with people who already like to hang out at Starbucks, especially, because now they don’t have to get drunk before they come to Starbucks.

The prices for beer and wine are high, but the whipped cream on top is free.

The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.

The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.

Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.

Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.



Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”

So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”

The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.



David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.

It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.



Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.



Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.

Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.

Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.

Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.



Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.