“Jon & Kate Plus Hate?”

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced their separation and pending divorce on Monday night’s episode of their reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8. Through the split, the two will try to focus on what’s most important, and have agreed to share custody of the TV cameras.

Tabloids have photographed the decline of their relationship, but they don’t know that the beginning of the end came about the day that Jon and Kate both decided to tell the other how bad their hair really looks.

“Sea Lion on Land”

A baby sea lion that had wandered onto a freeway in the San Francisco Bay area was picked up by highway patrol. He was taken to the Marine Mammal Center, where they determined that the sea lion tried to hitchhike but failed, lacking opposable thumbs.

“Turning over a New Leaf”

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration is considering a nationwide ban on salvia, a powerful hallucinogenic plant known as “magic mint.” Already restricted in 11 states, it’s the first drug that freshens breath while you trip.

The crop comes from Mexico and has become popular due to Internet demonstrations of its use. The government, of course, was totally shocked to learn that drugs are coming into the U.S. from Mexico.

The drug’s psychedelic properties can be experienced from a leaf extract or from smoking it. Unfortunately for some smokers, because it is magic mint, there is no flavor that isn’t menthol.

The powerful hallucinogenic effects of the drug give a whole new meaning to being in mint condition.

“Tobacco No Longer Rolling their Own”

President Obama signed into law today a bill granting the Food and Drug Administration the power to regulate tobacco. The president’s goal is to keep America’s kids and teens tobacco free so that they can grow up to be seen as un-cool.

The president’s signing of the bill was accompanied by applause from a room packed with supporters. Obama has already had many such packed-room signings, and some worry he may soon develop a pack-a-day habit.

Emphasizing the effectiveness of cigarette makers’ targeted advertising, today’s tobacco law signing was smooth, had nothing added, and bore a full rich flavor.

Obama has publicly acknowledged his own struggle to quit, and that he does still smoke. He’s cool.

“Arnie in the Sky” or “In-Flight (Like) Movie”

Governor Schwarzenegger’s plane had to make an emergency landing in Van Nuys Friday night, due to smoke coming from an instrument panel. The jet landed safely, Arnold switched out with a stuntman, and then the plane took off again for a dramatic jump-without-parachute action sequence.

Though no one was injured, the fact that there was high-flying adventure led the governor to believe he would be getting a $20 million paycheck.

The incident was exactly like a scene from any of Schwarzenegger’s movies, except that there was no bad acting.

“Raw Deal”

Nestle has issued a recall of its Toll House cookie dough products after dozens of reports of illness. The CDC says that the sick people who ate raw cookie dough may be suffering from E. coli. Normally, the people eating raw cookie dough are only suffering from boredom, loneliness, or a recent break-up.

The more common illness associated with eating raw cookie dough is catching a cold from standing in front of the open refrigerator in the middle of the night.

If you eat a lot of cookie dough AND you think the E. coli scare is some sort of conspiracy, you are smoking too much pot.

“Downturn Down Under?”

The New Kids on the Block have cancelled their tour dates in Australia this summer, citing the recession as the reason. Presumably, the recession has kept the New Kids from buying their own new album and hearing how awful it is.

They may not be so good at making music, but they are good at making excuses.

“Banks Withdrawal”

A man convicted of stalking Tyra Banks has been sentenced to a year’s probation and ordered to undergo a treatment program. If he violates court orders by trying to approach Tyra, he will still be on his way towards becoming America’s Next Top Stalker.

“Car Pool”

General Motors announced Friday that they are recalling 900 laid-off employees back to work, due to sudden increased sales in certain models. Analysts were left scrambling to figure out when GM started selling Hondas.

“Lin Lo Ho Foto”

Lindsay Lohan posted a topless photograph of herself on Twitter. Even though it’s just a still picture, it still has more of a plot than I Know Who Killed Me.

It also proves that there are still two reasons that people are interested in Lindsay Lohan.

“Electrici-Tee”

A Colorado man was struck by lightning while playing golf Thursday. He lost consciousness after being struck at the 13th hole, but had awoken by the time an ambulance took him to the hospital. More importantly, the next 4-some was allowed to play through.

The nation’s doctors were very interested in this case, not for the medical story, but for how the golf game turned out.

Sadly, the lightning bolt may have caused the golfer to drop a ball.

“Fly ‘Bye”

PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has expressed dismay over President Obama’s swatting of a fly during a live CNBC interview earlier in the week. They sent Obama a catch-and-release fly-trapping device, and as a result, are changing their name to People for the Ridiculous Treatment of Animals.

On the plus side, the catch-and-release device will be modified to handle terror suspects currently held at Guantanamo Bay.

“Pilot Gets his Wings”

A Continental Airlines plane whose pilot dies mid-flight landed safely in Newark, New Jersey. Still, to the horror of the passengers, they were in Newark, New Jersey.

The two other pilots landed the aircraft on schedule after the other pilot aboard died from natural causes, or in laymen’s terms, airline food.

“Broken Hinge in the Cabinet”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fell and fractured her right elbow Wednesday and will have surgery to repair the injury within a week. Clinton’s accident may actually be good for her image. That is, by not healing herself instantly, fewer people will believe that she is a witch.

“Church? Wedding”

When Reverend Alberto Cutie, the Florida priest and TV host was removed from his parish over his secret girlfriend, it freed him to get married. The romantic story has inspired many, and now that the man called ‘Father Oprah’ has wed his girlfriend, perhaps the real Oprah will wed her girlfriend, Gayle King.

“Water Proof”

A research team from the University of Colorado at Boulder has discovered the ridged shoreline of a dry lake on Mars. Proof that the red planet once had water implies that it may have been able to sustain life at one time. Since the planet is dry today, scientists looking for lake evidence from the past are now excitedly hoping to find paddle boats.

Researchers say the lake formed 3.4 billion years ago. Evidence suggests that, Mars is not so different from Earth. For instance, once the lake dried up, all that beach-front real estate became worthless.

“Calgary Cutlery”

In Canada’s Calgary Zoo, a gorilla picked up a knife accidentally dropped in their living area by a zoo keeper. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but after examining it, the primitive ape, in a barbaric display, put the knife down to the right of the salad fork instead of to the left of the soup spoon.

The makers of the movie Snakes on a Plane are now considering the screenplay adaptation of Gorilla with a Knife.
-Tagline: "He’s Going Bananas."

“President Is his own Swat Team”

In a live CNBC interview, President Obama swatted and killed a fly on camera. In reaction, North Korea’s Kim Jon Il has threatened to kill 1,000 flies in retaliation.

Capitol Hill conservatives are crying ‘foul’ over the incident, as the fly was their choice to take Senator John Ensign’s place as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee.

“The Estranger”

Billy Joel and his third wife Katie Lee Joel have announced that they are separating. Friends speculate that Katie put up an emotional wall, and Billy crashed a car through it.

“Brothel, Can You Spare a Dime?”

The Associated Press reports that in Germany, the global economic downturn is even affecting legal brothels. You could say their business is going down.

Some prostitution establishments are even offering discounts. Customers looking for a good deal will often see how much they can get off.

Competition has increased, meaning customers will go where they can get more bang for their buck.

Customers who have become more cautious about their spending have brought owners of some such businesses to their knees.

Some women working in sex clubs have even lost their jobs, going from getting laid to getting laid off.

Those who don’t know where they will be working next are still confident that they will eventually land on their backs.

Their futures, like their legs, may remain up in the air.

“Anti-Social Network”

MySpace is being forced to cut 30% of its workforce. The social networking website’s accounts have been dropping in the wake of Facebook and Twitter, dropping MySpace’s creepy predator-to-teen ratio to a record low of 3 to 1.

If the cutbacks continue, people who spend all their time talking to MySpace friends may actually have to go out and make some real friends.

“Beware of Dog Food”

The owners of the ChemNutra company pleaded guilty to selling chemical-tainted wheat gluten to pet food makers, causing thousands of animals to get sick, with some even dying. Animal lovers hope that the owners will have only a short time behind bars… before being put to sleep.

The wheat gluten tainted with the chemical melamine came from China. A caution to all American businesses: it isn’t enough anymore to just request no MSG.

“G.O.P. = Grand Old Philandering”

Senator John Ensign of Nevada has admitted to an extra-marital affair with a former campaign staff member. This follows a trend lately among senators, who seem to have trouble controlling their members.

The woman with whom he had the affair was married, but since she didn’t get pregnant and Ensign’s wife didn’t have cancer at the time, he’s still the most moral senator we’ve got.

An outspoken conservative, Ensign has been critical of President Obama’s pro-union legislation and stimulus package, while at the same time ignoring his own marital union in favor of other stimulus.

The Republicans are still proud of Ensign, because at least his affair was with a woman.

If his wife throws him out, Larry Craig has already offered to let Ensign sleep over.

“Basketball Foul”

The Lakers victory over Orlando in the NBA finals resulted in rioting in several areas throughout Los Angeles. Robbery, looting and other crimes spiked, vandalism and property damage surged, and home values in surrounding neighborhoods plummeted, or as it’s known here in L.A., Sunday.

“Water Mark”

Hillary Clinton and Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister met Saturday to mark the 100th anniversary of the Boundary Waters Treaty of 1909 between the U.S. and Canada, and also to update it in consideration of environmental concerns. This contrasts a Bush/Cheney plan they never got around to: a Great Lakes military take-over called Operation Canadian Freedom.

“More Flags, Less Money”

Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy, forcing them to cut costs wherever possible. For starters, they are cutting down to three flags.

Also they are pulling the plug on the dancing old man in their commercials.

For anyone who visited the Magic Mountain theme park recently and enjoyed the façade and themed look of the post-apocalyptic Terminator: Salvation ride, that’s not décor, that’s just how bad things have gotten.

“Chastity Changing”

Sonny & Cher offspring and longtime GLAAD spokesperson Chastity Bono has decided to undergo a sex change. The reaction to the news has been mixed, mainly because most people thought she already was a man.

An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this is the first time Chastity has ever wanted a penis.

Chastity has already begun the physical process to change and has adopted the name Chaz, literally dropping the –tity.

Chaz wants to be referred to as male, feeling that being a man is part of his true identity. As far as having the courage to go public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.

Chaz had a difficult time getting his parents to accept his sexuality. Sonny Bono, her deceased father and one-time Republican Congressman, immediately announced from the grave that for the first time, he wishes he was dead.

“Beauty Pageant Title Turns Ugly”

Donald Trump has said that the firing of Carrie Prejean as Miss California USA was not because of her opinions on gay marriage. He says that she failed to perform the duties that go with the title. Apparently, some video surfaced where Prejean fumbled with scissors, botching the ribbon-cutting at a new Jiffy-Lube.

“Little Rock”

In Germany, a 14-year-old boy was hit by a falling piece of meteorite which left a scar on his hand. More serious than his injury was his embarrassment after trying to convince the town that the sky was falling.

The meteorite fragment was pebble-sized and confirmed by astronomers to be from space. It is still unknown if it’s landing will be followed by creatures emerging from it, or if the boy will just develop superpowers.

“Digital Watch”

Friday was the last day for analog TV signal transmissions, and those who don’t have cable, satellite, or a digital converter box will only see static. Analog clocks will still work, but no one can read them.

The places most affected by the switch are poor, rural areas. So now the only working antennas in those homes are on the cockroaches.

There are a few, small, poor, rural groups that can still see one show without a digital converter: The cast of VH1’s cheesy reality shows can watch themselves in the live monitors.

“Position: Heal Thyself”

President Obama said today that the country needs an overhaul in our healthcare system that can’t afford delay. Experts agree: between foreclosures and unemployment, there’s going to be a nation of homeless people with sunburn and summer colds.

“Museum Intolerance”

The gunman who shot and killed a guard inside Washington, D.C.’s Holocaust Memorial Museum this week has been identified as white supremacist and Holocaust denier James Wenneker von Brunn, or as Mel Gibson calls him, “Uncle Jimmy.”

Von Brunn’s violent crimes at the museum and subsequent capture follow his personal history of bungled hate crimes, getting caught, and going to prison. For a white supremacist, he certainly doesn’t seem to be proving the case for supremacy, does he?

An anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, von Brunn’s cold-blooded murder at the Holocaust Museum doesn’t seem to be making people forget the Holocaust, either.

Based on the idea that museums are established to memorialize provable events and historical facts, there may be an effort to build a “Von Brunn Is a Loser” museum.

In a related story, even in Hollywood, no one is stupid enough to green-light a new Ben Stiller starring vehicle in the form of an action comedy sequel, A Night at the Museum: Battle at the Holocaust Memorial.

“Element-ary School”

A superheavy, new chemical element will be officially named and added to the periodic table of elements as number 112. The element was first produced with a particle accelerator in 1996, but those unfamiliar with the discovery will refer to it as the element of Surprise.

“Close the Gate-or Door”

A Mississippi man taking out the trash found an 8-foot alligator in the garage of his grandparents' home, hiding under the car. Police were called and were able to catch the gator and suspect that he may have been trying to steal the car.

The garage door had been left open, it was assumed, mainly because no one living in the house could remember giving the spare door opener to an alligator.

The nearest body of water was more than 3 miles away, leading authorities to believe the alligator had hitchhiked.

Authorities said that gator captures and relocations are not uncommon during mating season. In fact, lately they have been swamped.

“Takin’ Ill.”

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich agreed to appear in a Second City Theatre comedy revue in chicago, satirizing himself and helping to raise money for charity through ticket sales. Ironically, all his troubles began when he tried to sell just one seat.

Capitalizing on her husband’s fame, Rod’s wife Patti is currently appearing on the reality television show, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here, which is exactly what Rod will be chanting once he goes to prison.

Blogojevich’s willingness to mock himself is proof that he’s not so different from other people. Specifically, everyone is glad to see him mocked.

“Globe on the Block” or “Times’ Square Deal” or “New Spin on The Globe”

The New York Times Company, owners of The Boston Globe newspaper, are looking to sell off the latter publication due to drops in ad revenue and a union contract dispute. In fact, things are so desperate for the Globe, they’ve taken to having young boys try to collect money door to door.

Boston locals are unaware of the planned sale or business difficulties, because no one there reads the newspaper anymore.

“Post-Prejean”

Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean has been stripped of her title by pageant owner Donald Trump for “failing to honor her commitments” as Miss California, USA. More specifically, she failed to sleep with Donald Trump.

During the Miss USA pageant, Prejean was famously asked her opinion about gay marriage and answered that she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman. The controversy that followed proved that no one is interested in pageant contestants for their opinions.

Her future plans include entering the Miss Straight California pageant.

“Great White Alba Core” or “Shark Attack”

Jessica Alba has been accused of defacing public property in Oklahoma City by gluing up unauthorized posters depicting the plight of the great white shark, whose population is decreasing. Alba apologized for her lapse of judgment, which covers this incident as well as her part in the movie Good Luck Chuck.

Alba’s efforts may still have had her intended effect, however, because, since her posters went up, not one great white shark has been killed in Oklahoma City.

“Idol of ‘Stone’”

One of American Idol’s most talked about, suspected-to-be-gay celebrities has come out. No, not Ryan Seacrest.

American idol runner-up Adam Lambert has told Rolling Stone magazine in an interview that he is gay. It’s the glam-rocker’s way of generating post-show… what’s the opposite of shock?

“Bonds of Marriage”

Barry Bonds’ wife of 11 years, Liz Watson, has filed for legal separation. Even though she kept her maiden name, if they divorce she wants physical custody of the asterisk.

“Fishy Story”

In the Gulf of Mexico, a Florida fisherman reeled in a live missile used in military weapons training and then kept it on his boat for 10 days. He was hoping to encounter pirates, just so he could say , “Go ahead. Make my day.”

The Air Force confirmed that that the fisherman had indeed caught a live, air-to-air guided missile. In a related story, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is now trying to find out what he was using for bait.

The saltwater-corroded bomb was unstable, but the fisherman didn’t think it would detonate because there was neither a visible timer counting down nor ominous action-movie music.

The fisherman was truthful about where he’d caught the missile and how long he had it before docking, but, out of habit, exaggerated its size to his friends.

A bomb squad dismantled the missile in an empty lot, and then deep fried up the pieces and served them with chips.

“Cast in a Different Light”

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle at La Guardia Airport on her way back to Washington, D.C. Republicans say her accident occurred because of what they’ve stipulated all along: that she was leaning too far to the left.

Conservatives are now fighting over the credit for being the one who tripped her up.

In her ongoing hearings, Sotomayor may have a more difficult time justifying her position on many legal issues. Because of the cast on her ankle, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Going Underground” or “Dig Deeper”

Construction has begun on the new $8.7 billion, 8-year tunnel project between for New York and New Jersey passenger rail, which will double the current daily commuter capacity. To pay for the project, people leaving New York can ride free, but they can charge whatever they want for people desperately trying to escape from New Jersey.

“Broadway’s Biggest Hits” or “Brett a Knock-out at Tonys”

At the Tony awards, singer Brett Michaels was hit in the head by a piece of scenery, causing a broken nose and cut lip that required 3 stitches. In other words, Radio City Music Hall did what 3 seasons’ worth of Rock of Love skanks couldn’t.

Michaels was in good spirits following the incident, probably because the accident did not damage his hair extensions.

After receiving stitches, doctors said that for follow-up care, Michaels, quote, “Don’t Need Nothin’… But a Good Time.”

“A Hole in Their Story”

A massive black hole in the center of the nearby M87 galaxy has been measured to be the biggest known at 6.4 billion times the mass of our sun, on the equivalent of 4 Kirstie Alleys.

Astronomers say that the black hole is much bigger and heavier than previously thought, finally giving scientific proof that black really is slimming.

“Keep on Truckin’”

The trucking industry is locked in a battle to try to change federal law to allow larger freight vehicles, saying more freight in fewer trips will save fuel and money. Opponents say larger 18-wheelers would cause safety hazards and road damage. Not surprisingly the proposal for bigger, longer trucks came from some men with small penises.

“Injected into the Job Market”

A Virginia clinic is giving free Botox to people who are unemployed and fear age discrimination during their job search. That way, they might be jobless, but at least they can’t frown about it.

As a bonus, once they get hired they can take paid sick days for having botulism.

“College Junior”

Here in Los Angeles, Moshe Kai Cavelin, an 11-year old math and science prodigy, graduated from college this week, but the modest pre-teen doesn’t want to be called a genius. He won’t be, since he got his degree at East L.A. Community College.

Now that he’s a college graduate, his future plans include waiting around for five years until he can drive to a job.

“Ticket Master”

A South Dakota rancher became a multimillionaire this week when he came forward with the winning Powerball lottery ticket for a $232 million jackpot. He plans to acquire more land for his horses, buy more cattle, and put giant cowboy hats on the presidents’ heads at Mt. Rushmore.

Long standing lottery tradition demands that he spends the money on stupid things, and that he winds up penniless, but first he has to turn into a complete asshole.

“Flush with Cash”

Europe’s discount fare airline Ryanair is following through on a statement that the company will start charging a toilet usage fee during flights. The cost will be 1 pound, which the airline describes as a drop in a bucket.

They are also discussing the removal of some onboard bathrooms to make room for more seats on each plane, according to one information leak. Ultimately, that may not be all that leaks.

Analysts say that free market competition will determine whether a pay-to-pee policy will hurt business enough to change it. They call it a variation on trickle-down economics.

There are safety concerns. For example, some say that this new policy may increase the likelihood of a water landing.

Passengers who don’t have the money but have to go number 1 can request a window seat.

Passengers who don’t have the money but have to go number 2 will be given a parachute.

“Talk Liked By Egyptians”

President Obama delivered a speech at the University of Cairo in Egypt today, addressing the world’s Muslim population, saying it was time to “seek a new beginning” with the United States. So, first, we just split all the oil equally…

Critics worry that Obama’s efforts to ally with the Muslin world could sell Israel’s interests down the river. Some think it won’t come to that; others say he’s in d’Nile.

Following his speech, Obama toured the pyramids of Giza. While standing at the foundation of the biggest, admiring the giant, old structure, he instinctively offered it a federal bailout.

Obama did not seem interested in viewing any of the 3,000 year old mummies in the region. He felt no need to see them, having previously been up close to John McCain.

“Morbid Tone” or “You’ll Never Take Me Alive, Copper”

The lawyer for a Florida man accused of murdering his wife has entered the theory that the victim’s spray-on tan caused an allergic reaction that resulted in her asphyxiation. That makes the cause of her death either even darker-than murder, or a darker-even-tan murder.

This death-by-spray-tanning defense makes all others pale by comparison.

“The Four Seasons”

Miley Cyrus has signed on for a 4th season of Hannah Montana. Cyrus starred in the recent movie adaptation after 3 hit seasons and is getting ready for her next concert tour. Cyrus had not decided yet whether her obligatory downward spiral will be aided by alcohol, drugs, or a sex tape.

Optimists hope she’ll Drew Barrymore at that point, rather than Lindsey Lohan, but even the most cynical are doubtful that she would ever Amy Winehouse.

“Power Play”

Forbes magazine’s annual list of the most powerful celebrities has a new number 1 this year, with Angelina Jolie ousting Oprah Winfrey. Graciously, Oprah will give Angelina a 24 hour head start before hunting her down and killing her.

“China Takes the Wheel”

Having filed for bankruptcy protection, General Motors has tentative plans to hand over its Hummer brand to a large industrial company in China. GM may be accused of stereotyping the Chinese in its Hummer sell-off, where their original plans were to have executive bonus money laundered and the company folded.

“You Can’t Buy Class”

A new federal report says that home schooling has doubled in wealthy families over the last 10 years, rising to 1.5 million, or 2.9% of all U.S. schoolchildren. The results are very positive overall, proven by the fact that those who went to public school, couldn’t have calculated that percentage.

There are some disadvantages to those who home school their kids, such as appearing schizophrenic when holding a parent-teacher conference.

Home schooling used to be more common among poor, rural families. In fact, many a hillbilly stereotype started when brothers and sisters had no one but each other to take to the prom.

“Filthy Satellite Pictures”

Scientists looking for hard-to-spot emperor penguins colonies in Antarctic regions have come up with a novel way to find and track them: using satellites in space to locate their droppings on sea ice. Skeptics say the research proves crap.

The satellites were not originally designed for this kind of use, but now that is their number two purpose.

The penguins, unaware that they were being observed by humans, still dressed formally.

“Cheney, Lately”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he does not believe there was any connection between the 9/11 terrorist attacks and Saddam Hussein. The only thing he concedes that they might have in common would be that George Bush didn’t do much to stop their execution.

“Raising the Gay Bar”

President Obama issued a proclamation honoring June as “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Pride Month,” an event that has grown over the past 25 years. Obama claimed to be the first president to appoint gay nominees at the beginning of an administration, which is true, even though Hillary Clinton hasn’t come out yet.

“Tossing Pizza”

In a Pizza Hut sponsored contest to eat the most P’zones, Tereku Kobyashi beat competitive eating rival Joey Chestnut, eating 5 ¾ of the 1-lb. pepperoni-pizza-calzone entrees in just 6 minutes. Not only was he thrilled to win, he also had no trouble immediately filling the trophy cup.

Presumably, the contest was also sponsored by marijuana.

The winner’s prize? The remaining ¼ pizza in a doggy bag.

Despite Kobayashi’s victory, in a contest like this, there really are no losers… except the two guys competing.

After his narrow victory, Kobayashi respects his rival, just not his own body.

After the contest, Kobayashi was yelling excitedly. Friends helped him to try to keep it down.

Kobayashi was already a six time hot-dog-eating world champion. Last year’s championship contest ended in a tie at 59 hot dogs. Kobayashi then won by eating 5 more franks in the tie-breaker, or as it is more aptly known, sudden death.

“Honeymoon in Vegas”

The Nevada legislature overrode the governor’s veto today to allow domestic partnerships, which would provide protections similar to marriage to both same sex and opposite sex couples. This means Siegfried and Roy can each finally get their common law wives on their insurance.

“Boyle Over”

Singer Susan Boyle was taken to a health clinic by ambulance following her loss in an upset after the Britain’s Got Talent finale. Once she stopped singing, the crowd predictably came after her with pitchforks and torches.

Boyle was rumored to be depressed and emotionally drained, possibly caused by seeing her own reflection in a teleprompter.

Hoping to parlay her singing success into theatre and film work like many American I Idol finalists, Boyle may seek the title role in the stage version of Beauty and the Beast.

“Play Money”

Toys ‘R Us has bought out FAO Schwarz, saving the latter from bankruptcy. The financial details of the deal were not released, but Toys R Us may feel upset, learning only after the sale that batteries were not included.

FAO Schwarz was founded in 1862 as a decidedly upscale toy retailer, and is proud to have supplied high-end merchandise for generations of unappreciative, spoiled brats.

Toys R Us drew contracts with crayons, markers, and colored pencils.

FAO Schwarz was struggling financially and had filed for bankruptcy protection twice. Toys R Us is expected to increase Schwarz’ allowance, but they will have to do more chores.

“Doing Time Is Money”

Across the country, more city and county jails are instituting a fee for jail costs for those convicted. The fee can be anywhere from $1 to $60, depending on the location, view, and spa services.

Dollar amounts vary, but serve the dual purpose as additional deterrent and aid to offset jail costs. In all cases, the per diem fee does not include the recommended 15% gratuity.

“Freedom of a Speech”

Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor is having to answer for a 2001 speech, where she remarked that a “wise Latina woman… would… reach better conclusion(s) than a white man.” Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh have concluded that the statement is racist, proving her point from 8 years ago.

White, male Republicans crying racism. Now that’s “Change.”

The Judiciary Committee’s Senator Jeff Sessions called the remark “troubling.” Perhaps he meant that its troubling that the committee took the time to scrutinize Sotomayor’s every statement on public record and this is the best they could come up with.

“Pyongyang-Pong”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned that North Korea faces consequences for continuing its recent provocative acts. Experts, however, say that dictator Kim Jong Ill isn’t one who worries about consequences, as evidenced by his nuclear missile tests, oppression of his own people, and that Marge Simpson hairstyle.

North Korea also called South Korea’s denouncement of recent North Korean aggression a declaration of war. They are also calling all statements geared towards peace or sane conversation a declaration of war.

“Rap Sheet”

Rapper Eminem’s new album, Relapse sold more copies in its first week than any other this year. It’s making several hard-core rappers consider trading their hip-hop street names for a moniker that suggests candy.

“Rational Velvet”

Screen legend Elizabeth Taylor, 77, tweeted that she was home from the hospital after what her publicist called “a routine visit.” Without any specific illness cited, paparazzi will print the obvious conclusion: she’s pregnant.

Most likely contender to be the father of Taylor’s love child: Elton John, Michael Jackson, or Lindsay Lohan.

“Marital Spat”

Celebrities in Hollywood, upset at the California Supreme court’s upholding of the state’s gay marriage ban have been extremely vocal about their feelings on the Internet. A-listers from movies, TV, and music have posted to their websites, blogs, and Twitter accounts. In a related story, anyone heard from Tom Cruise lately?

“Photo Ops”

Four states using face recognition software at the DMV are prohibiting smiles in driver’s license photos. Interestingly, due to the long lines, high fees, and surly staff, it doesn’t seem to be a problem.

These DMV’s require that everyone stay in orderly lines, conform to all state policies, and then maintain the same, neutral, emotionless expression as everyone else. Ironically, the face recognition programming is meant to prevent stripping away a person’s identity.

So far, drivers subjected to this rule do not look happy.

A few states have DMV auto-check in and easy processing. To keep their motorists from smiling, right before they take their picture, they make them watch Rules of Engagement.

States that do allow licensees to smile do so, they say, so that they can tell the difference between the customers in the building and the employees.

“Supreme Choice”

To replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter, President Obama has tapped Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She was appointed her to the U.S. Court of Appeals in 1998 by Bill Clinton, who still wishes that he had tapped that.

“Proposition 8 Is Enough”

The California Supreme Court upheld the voter-approved definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman, sparking a wave of public protests by gay activists. The decision was a big victory, however, for banner-makers and sign printing companies.

“Killer Move”

O.J. Simpson has asked the Nevada Supreme Court to overturn his armed robbery and kidnapping conviction over a sports memorabilia confrontation in Las Vegas. His appeal alleges judicial misconduct, insufficient evidence, lack of jury racial diversity, and errors in jury instructions. In other words, all the mistakes that got him off for murder.

Simpson said that if the appeal fails, he’ll just start killing again.

(Just kidding, O.J. Please don't kill me.)

“Freshly Roasted Hot Dog”

A Boston man was charged with animal cruelty for throwing hot coffee on his neighbor’s barking dog. In a related story, someone needs to switch to decaf.

Members of PETA felt bad for the dog, but had to side with the man for throwing a dark, colored liquid on someone wearing real animal fur.

The dog was not seriously injured, but the experience has changed him. Instead of chasing his favorite stick, he now uses it to stir sugar into his drinking bowl.

The dog was slightly traumatized and now he pees whenever he sees a coffee mug. His vet called the condition ‘automatic drip.’

Now the dog buries coffee in his yard, and this morning he was able to dig up some fresh ground.

“Shorts Range Combat”

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates praised Zachary Boyd, the soldier in Afghanistan who was woken by Taliban gunfire and ran to defend his unit, still in his boxer shorts. After the incident, the soldier was immediately debriefed.

Gates said that engaging the enemy in boxers was a innovation in psychological warfare. The only downside is that the Taliban are now planning to use new tactics that include wedgies.

Specialist Boyd was also wearing flip-flops instead of boots, and will be credited with inventing frat party camouflage.

Even though Specialist Boyd was technically out of uniform in the fire-fight, at least he didn’t go commando.

A news photographer snapped pictures of corporals, sergeants, and other specialists, as well as Boyd in his boxers, but he didn’t catch a glimpse of any privates.

Though his footwear are sometimes called thongs, the army insists they be called flip-flops. If it was said that a soldier in his underwear was running around thong-clad, he could be court-martialed.

“Mild Punishment”

A federal appeals court ruled today that tobacco companies deliberately deceived consumers about the dangers of smoking, and they must remove all labels that say “light,” “mild,” or “low tar.” Sadly, knowing that these huge corporations and their lawyers lied to the public for so long only makes these untamed bad boys even sexier.

In a related story, they are so cool.

“Snail Tale”

A Salt Lake City boy is trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by trying to keep 43 live snails balanced on his face for at least 10 seconds. The boy may also set the record for the lowest number of friends.

The boy is sending video and news coverage of his stunt to Guinness this week, but it may be a while before they respond. That’s snail mail for you.

“Golden State”

With most of his referendum initiatives defeated in this week’s vote, Governor Schwarzenegger is now scrambling with lawmakers to slash California’s budget by billions of dollars before state funds run dry. On the plus side, Schwarzenegger himself continues to be very, very rich.

California’s poor financial situation has led state leaders to ask the federal government assistance in the form of loan guarantees, similar to the help given to AIG Insurance and General Motors. So now we know what it’s like when the state is run like a business.

“Frank Not So Earnest”

Sara Lee, the parent of Ball Park Franks, is suing Kraft Foods’ Oscar Meyer over ad claims of superior taste and ‘pure’ ingredients. Sara Lee further states that the Oscar Meyer company is full of baloney.

Oscar Meyer counter-claims that they sell more hotdogs than any other brand, making them the biggest hot dog company in America. Proud of their own products, a spokesman for Ball Park insists that size doesn’t matter.

“Schools Outed”

In over 200 of Ireland’s Catholic schools, cruel treatment, random beatings, and sexual abuse was ignored by church officials and covered up by teachers and fearful students for decades, according to the report on a 9-year investigation. Students reaction to the report was, “Couldn’t you have hurried it up a little?”

“Up to Idol Speed”

In case you didn’t watch American Idol last night, Kris Allen won the title, beating the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. In a related story, spoiler alert.

Even though the show’s outcome was a surprise to many, the season might be more remembered for the all the winking, flirting, and hand-holding between Adam and Ryan Seacrest.

“Major Buzz-kill”

The U.S. Army is facing criticism for failing to discipline soldiers who test positive for substance abuse. Just like in civilian life, it seems that those who are found to be using drugs are just given a slap on the wrist, if they are willing to play ball.

“Ida Known Better”

A 47-million year old primate fossil, said to be a possible missing link related to humans, has created a scientific sensation. This is partly because it is so complete scientists can guess ‘how did she die,’ and they even know her last meal. Pop-rocks and Coke. -Which likely answers the former question.

The skeleton, nicknamed ‘Ida,’ was a lemur-like creature that may be an ancient relative of higher primates that include primitive humanoids such as Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon man, and hillbillies.

“’Idol’ Chatter”

The media are praising this season’s American Idol finalists, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, for bridging an urban-or-rural; conventional-or-alternative, and even straight-or-gay cultural gap. The chasm remains, however, between Idol fans and the rest-of-the-world-who-could-give-a-crap.

“Poison (Gas) Control”

After a years-long stalemate, the federal government, the state of California, and U.S. automakers agreed to a deal to cut auto emissions 30% by 2016. GM and Chrysler, on the verge of collapse anyway, also promised to give everybody in America a free puppy.

Democrats praised President Obama who had a large role in taking these steps against greenhouse gases. Rep. Edward Markey of Massachusetts said, the president “has solved the energy… policy equivalent of a Rubik’s Cube,” meaning a 10 year old should have been able to come to the solution in about 3 minutes – in 1983.

Right before President Obama announced a new emissions and fuel-economy agreement with American automakers, Ford almost pulled out of the deal after computing their costs. Fortunately, the White House got them to crunch the numbers again, but with an electric calculator instead of one powered by foreign oil.

“XXX-Ray”

High-tech airport security scanners are coming under fire for invading privacy, with citizens’ groups saying that the machines can see beneath clothes and are equal to a “virtual strip-searches.” It is unknown how legitimate the complaint is, since these see-through-anything scanners were found in an ad on the back page of a comic book.

“Movie Could Lead to Dancing”

The lead role in the movie remake of Footloose will be played by Chase Crawford of TV’s Gossip Girl, which also stars Blake Lively, from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with America Ferarra, star of Ugly Betty. Illeana Douglas, who was on Ugly Betty in a 3-episode arc, also had a major role in the film A Stir of Echoes… starring Kevin Bacon.
(For those counting, that’s four Degrees.)

Zac Efron was supposed to have the role, but dropped out because he didn’t want to be typed as a “musical” guy. So it was probably really smart for him to, after 2 High School Musical movies to do Hairspray and then another High School Musical.

Producers of the remake hope to keep the spirit of the original, because they really want to make a movie that, with the test of time, won’t seem good and will need to be remade.

“Fuel vs. Economy”

The Obama administration is announcing an overhaul of all auto emissions and fuel efficiency requirements to begin in 2012. Though critics say this will hurt the U.S. economy and kill the auto industry, it’s scientific fact that you get better mileage when steadily careening downhill.

“’American’/Woody Story”

Woody Allen has settled his lawsuit against clothing maker American Apparel for $5 million. The suit was over unauthorized billboard use of an image from of a Hasidic-costumed Allen from the film Annie Hall. Ironically, it’s the first picture with him in it to gain any attention in years.

“Big Dopes” or “Squeezing the Juicers” or “Pumped Up Downer”

All of the competitors at the Belgian national bodybuilding championship forfeit and left the building when drug testing officials made a last-minute surprise visit. Several of them even left Belgium and came back to America and their jobs in Major League Baseball.

In a related story, Pete Rose criticized the participants who were juicing, but then bet on them anyway.

The bodybuilders were dressed, oiled, and ready after preparing for months, but grabbed their gear and went out the door the minute the doping testers showed up. Those consistently using steroids were able to drop their wallets in their Speedos where their genitals used to take up the space.

Officials want to try drug testing hair samples gathered from some bodybuilders’ last minute shaving of chests and backs. And that’s just the female competitors.

“Bone China”

China is slated to open a new theme park in October called Love Land, centered on sexuality and the human body. The park will have giant genital sculpture and naked human statues. Also, the “You must be this big to ride” signs don’t measure height.

The park will have some other differences. For instance, instead of seatbelts, all the rides will have fuzzy handcuffs.

The theme park hopes to break down sexual stereotypes about China, but isn’t doing itself any favors with the ride “It’s a Small World.”

In this park, the Ferris Wheel and the Tilt-A-Whirl aren’t rides, they are positions.

People with a heart condition are required to sign a waiver before they are allowed to buy a ‘Ride All Day’ pass.

In the park, they have lots of places to eat out. But no food or drink are allowed.

The sex themed park hopes to teach some lessons that apply to real relationships. For example, if you spring for the more expensive bracelet, you get quicker access to the best parts.

“Spit Take”

Researchers are developing a new test to detect diabetes from saliva, which would eliminate the need for needle drawn blood samples. Clinical studies show promise, and patients who have diabetes or are at risk are just drooling.

“Guys’re Guilty”

Two concession workers at Yellowstone National Park were fired for urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. Even still, eyewitnesses to the event were pissed.

In his defense, one of the young men fired said, “Well, it’s called ‘Yellow’ stone.”

The employees were caught in the act and identified because they were picked up on the park’s live web video on the Internet. Before long, everyone online saw the stream.

“Ginger for your Ail”

A new study by the National Cancer Institute found that among chemotherapy patients who suffered from nausea, most reported that they got at least some relief from their symptoms from ginger. The rest reported that they got relief from Mary Ann.

Ginger has been used as a folk remedy for nausea for centuries, this is among the first of scientific studies to test a homeopathic treatment. Traditionally, Western medicine has been demonstratively homeo-phobic.

The ginger also had no significant side effects, though some complained of a cleansed palette.

The study pleased both doctors and patients, but offended some freckled redheads.

“Hubble, Hubble, Toil and Trouble”

Complications occurred on a spacewalk to the Hubble telescope today, when the Wide Field Planetary Camera 2, which has been in place for 15 years, had a stuck bolt and wouldn’t come out. Science fans suspect a Romulan plot to change history.

Astronauts from the Space Shuttle Atlantis successfully replaced old cameras with new, more powerful ones on the Hubble telescope, as part of a mission to get Star Trek nerds minds’ back on real science.

The new cameras will be able to look even farther back in time than the old ones, enabling the astronauts to reconsider their careers as glorified janitors and maintenance workers in space.

“Vacation Fever!” or “Last Resort”

Coastal resorts in Mexico are trying to win back business in wake off the swine flu scare, by offering a deal where, if you catch the H1N1 virus in Mexico, and can prove it, they will give you 3 vacations there for free. Or, if the circumstances call for it, the resort will provide VIP, first class accommodations for the hotel guest’s funeral.

This promotion is not for everyone. For some, travel can be a real headache, accompanied by chills, body aches, coughing, and sneezing.

No one knows yet if this kind of promotion will be a success, but the idea does sound contagious.

The hotel will even throw in free cocktails and recommends their signature liquor, called NyQuill.

“Board in Class”

Across the country, chess is making a comeback in classrooms, primarily because teachers see the game as a way to get students to sharpen critical thinking skills. And here is America, kids need healthy hobbies to prepare them for unemployment.

Learning chess offers many practical lessons. For instance, for chess nerds, they may think they know all the moves, but it’s still hard for them to mate.

“Picture Snap” or "Candid Remarks""

President Obama declared Wednesday that despite a court ordered release, he would attempt to block the release of photos showing Iraqi and Afghani prisoner abuse. Obama says that the images would be damaging to the U.S. in world opinion. In the pictures, for instance, none of the Americans are smiling and their hair looks terrible.

Obama further stated that the pictures have already served their purpose as evidence against those responsible for prisoners’ mistreatment. The president feels that the best way to handle the photos now is to allow at least one roll of re-shoots with better lighting.

“Tobacco Gets Smoked in N.C.” or “Cigarettes Burned”

North Carolina’s state legislature approved a ban on smoking in bars and restaurants this week. Bars are worried about losses in revenue, but restaurants will save money on hostesses whose only job was to greet patrons with, “Smoking on non?”

32 other states already have such bans or have voted to enact them by next year, but North Carolina’s vote is significant because that state is the top tobacco grower in the country. So this is ban is a big step forward in “Do as I say, not as I do” governing.

“A Spoonful of Medicine”

The FDA has warned General Mills that labeling on Cheerios boxes suggests the cereal can reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol, and only FDA-approved drugs can make that claim. If they don’t change the labeling, General Mills could be busted in rank down to Colonel.

If their package wording is considered misleading, and someone’s death resulted, the company could be charged as cereal killers.