An Asian beetle called the bean plataspid may be helping farmers in the U.S. by eating harmful kudzu, a vine that damages crops and trees, but no one is quite sure how the insects got into the U.S. In fact, they only know the bugs are Asian because of their high math scores.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
“Taxi Down the Runway” or “Cash Cab”
NASA released a statement saying that they would fund the building and testing of taxi vehicles developed by up to 4 private companies for space travel. The budget shared between the four is almost $270 million, but the taxi drivers will still only carry $5 change.
“Carnival Tragedy”
Witnesses say they saw a man jump overboard from the top deck of a Carnival Cruise Ship. All that is known about the man is that he spent the 3 previous hours in a lounge listening to karaoke. As a result, his death is being ruled “natural causes.”
Some guests were shocked at the news, but most were relieved at the idea of one less person in front of them at the buffet line.
“Right to Vote, Privilege to Drive”
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah has issued a decree that will allow women to vote starting in 2015, but they still cannot drive. This is what happens when the queen wants to use the car.
“Fur Trade”
West Hollywood’s City Council unanimously voted to ban the sale of fur last week. But as is always the case in West Hollywood, stubble is welcome.
This is good news for animal rights activists, but bad news for the fur trade, fashion industry, and foxes and rabbits desperate to make a buck.
Futures on furs were immediately trimmed.
“A Tenser Spencer”
Us Weekly reports that Spencer Pratt is broke and can’t get a job. Finally, some good unemployment news.
Pratt says he can’t find work. Of course, his idea of a looking for work is holding up a cardboard sign on the side of a red carpet.
Pratt is finally learning that there is no pay or benefits from just being a professional a**hole.
Friday, September 23, 2011
“Chinese Idol X'ed"
Chinese censors have cancelled the country's version of "American Idol". The government there doesn't want to air anything that encourages voting or pursuing your dreams.
“Idol” would have been a bit different in China, anyway. Instead of poor singers being critiqued by celebrity judges, after their performance they are declared enemies of the state and put in prison for 7 to 10 years.
The Chinese version would have been closer to “North Korean Idol,” which is judged every year and won by Kim Jong Il.
“Payroll Drop” or “Late Employees”
A government report discovered that over $600 million has been paid out in the name of disabled federal workers and retirees after those employees had died. Because they worked for the federal government, there was no way to tell the living ones from the dead.
So dead employees continue to get paid, but they don’t continue to receive health benefits.
The government actually prefers dead employees, because they don’t request time off.
When federal employees or pension recipients die, the usual practice is that their pay benefits only last until a new administration is voted in.
The government was finally forced to stop payment to employees who had passed on, but only because the afterlife is considered overtime.
"Travolta's Hot Car"
John Travolta had a vintage car stolen in Santa Monica on Sunday. Describing the car for police, Travolta said, “This car is automatic. It's systematic. It's hy...dromatic. Why, it's Greased Lightning!”
The missing car was last seen mysteriously taking off and flying into the air over a high school carnival, with Olivia Newton-John in the passenger seat.
The car was recovered at a drag race at Thunder Road.
Travolta estimated the car to be worth more than the rest of the Sweat-hogs have made in their entire careers, combined.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
“Stripped of Life”
Two men were arrested in Denver for driving around with their dead friend and using his ATM card to pay for a visit to a strip club. Needless to say, what was supposed to be a harmless evening of fun began to decay quickly.
Six of the strippers were selected to attend the funeral as the pole-bearers.
The next day, the corpse was still the least disgusting thing found on a couch in the VIP room.
"Many, Many See ‘Men’”
The season premiere of Two and a Half Men, with Ashton Kutcher joining the cast, drew 28 million viewers, which is far more than any other season. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen was at a public park, being watched by a handful of random passers-by and his ex-wife’s private investigator.
Monday’s viewership was a record high. While Men has been TV’s top-rated comedy for years, it was previously always Charlie who was on a record high.
“White House De-Fence"
A man who jumped the fence and was running towards the western entrance of The White House Tuesday afternoon was stopped and apprehended by uniformed secret service officers. The man appeared to pose no threat; he was just a Tea Partier who thought this is how you run for president.
Once the man was identified, agents told him, “If you want to see the president, just make an appointment like everyone else, Vice President Biden.”
Friday, September 16, 2011
“Snakes Almost on a Plane”
A man trying to smuggle snakes in his underwear at the Ft. Lauderdale airport last month pleaded guilty to smuggling charges Wednesday. Among the snakes were 3 ball pythons, which is why the man hid them near his balls.
The man was also carrying 3 carpet pythons. The TSA searched the man’s underwear and found the carpets didn’t match the drapes.
TSA agents recovered 3 baby ball pythons from the man’s underwear, along with 3 carpet pythons, 1 children’s python, and a small, pink, hairy snake they couldn’t identify.
“The Tooth Hurts”
A Florida man was cited for breaching the peace after trying to use pliers to pull out a tooth while he was drunk. Although, the real story here is that a man in Florida HAS a tooth.
There was nothing wrong with the tooth; the man just wanted to look like all his Florida neighbors.
The man is hoping to get an endorsement deal with The Gap.
“Postal Morten”
The U.S. Postal Service is proposing a shutdown of more than half its processing centers, which would add a day to the time it takes for most mail to be delivered. So now, getting mail will take forever and a day.
The Postal Service is now losing almost as much money as letters.
“The President’s Cold Reception”
Speaking in terms of his confidence about being re-elected, President Obama said Thursday that he hopes that his next inauguration is warmer than the first. The statement caused confusion and outrage among Republicans, because they don’t believe in global warming.
“The Light Bulb Is Out”
Hasbro announced that the new Easy-Bake Oven does not require the use of a light bulb. However, so that kids today don't miss out on the experience of the classic, the new model comes with a separate burning-hot filament and some broken glass.
“Family Day”
Family Guy is celebrating its tenth anniversary. Which they thought of after seeing The Simpson's tenth anniversary.
For the anniversary, Peter and Lois Griffin won’t do anything; they’ll just sit around and imagine unrelated references.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
“Very Old Fashioned”
A woman in Britain says that because she has never had sex, she’s lived for 105 years. If you call that living.
Originally, she was waiting for Mr. Right. Now she’s waiting for the Grim Reaper.
She says she owes her longevity to having remained a virgin. Oh, she’ll let you touch her boobs, though, if you’re willing to reach up her dress just past her ankles.
She’s been retired for decades, but still has plenty of money, thanks to the diamonds that formed from the coal she put in her vagina.
“Tanderson”
As part of an interview with Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi on his talk show Tuesday, Anderson Cooper got his first-ever spray tan. As a result, he'll know be known as 'Pamela Anderson Cooper.'
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