Friday, October 30, 2009
Colin proudly announced that his newborn son “already says the word ‘f*ck’ in place of crying like a little sissy.”
An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this was the first time Chaz ever wanted a penis.
Chaz has said that he always felt that he had a male identity. As far as going public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The imprisoned children were all simultaneously released by Indiana Jones once Short Round woke him out of his blood-drink induced zombie-trance by burning him with a torch.
The children who had been convicted got to learn a valuable lesson about crime. Sometimes, you can get off scot-free because of a crooked judge.
Once case involves a man and woman having sexual contact with a dog. They claim that a dog is man’s best friend-with-benefits.
Due TO laws banning animal sex being enforced, a lot more Tennessee residents are going to be making day trips to Kentucky.
The law makes it a felony to engage in any sexual activity with any animal. As a side effect, Tennessee has probably seen the last of Richard Gere and his gerbils.
Animal rights advocates have been divided. Overall they support the laws’ enforcement, but they say it unfairly discriminates against the nature of the horny toad.
In the case involving the horse, the accused insists that by wearing that leather saddle and short, teasing mini-blanket, the horse was “just asking for it.”
Of the 3 pending cases in the state, 1 horse and 2 dogs were involved, making the sheep think they must not be pretty enough.
These types of crimes are considered animal cruelty. If there is a lesson here, it is, “Love your pets… platonically.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Some say it’s not a good match. Shopping at Wal-mart doesn’t even preserve the dignity of the living.
Wal-Mart expects to do well with the product line, which allows for returns of the items if they are new, but not if they are used.
The company thinks selling online makes the most sense, because it isn’t something you need to try on.
It makes sense for the business and the grieving family. Their motto is, “Your loss is our sales gain.”
Also, buying online is a lot less awkward than pushing a cart up to the register with a casket, a blender, and a box of condoms.
A Wal-Mart casket might be a smart consumer choice, but it does put a morbid spin on the stores “Faded Glory” brand.
When you get the casket delivered, it is ready to use. You just have to peel off the “Roll-back” sticker.
The retailer has a nice selection of quality urns, but if even these are too pricey, you can always check out cheaper options in the lawn and garden department.
In an act of mercy, laid-off employees will be allowed to stay on the plane they are on until it lands.
Northwest airlines made no such announcement, but is keeping an eye on all pilots with scheduled flights to Minneapolis.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The FAA revoked the licenses of the 2 pilots whose Northwest Airlines flight overshot Minneapolis last week by 150 miles. Even worse, without a license, the pilots now have to walk all the way back to Minneapolis.
The pilots will now change careers and become ship captains for Exxon.
The pilots were out of radio contact for over an hour and are believed to have fallen asleep, but they’ve come up with some interesting excuses for missing their landing:
“We thought we were being followed so we were afraid to stop.”
“It was supposed to be a shortcut, but it didn’t work out.”
“We had a good CD on and wanted hear the whole album.”
“There was no exit sign.”
“I meant to hit the ‘snooze’ button, but accidentally turned off the whole alarm.”
“We got lost and someone refused to ask for directions.”
“The brakes went out, so we threw the radio at them.”
“The clouds up there were really pretty, and we were really high.”
“We prepaid for a full tank of fuel.”
“The passengers said we were such great pilots, they didn’t want to flight to end.”
“The guys in the radio tower hurt our feelings so we weren’t speaking to them.”
“We were caught in an alien tractor beam.”
“We spent that hour trying to decide if we should go through with our suicide pact.”
“I promised myself I wouldn’t land the plane until I worked up the nerve to ask out that hot flight attendant.”
“You call it a missing hour; we pilots call it ‘Happy Hour’, dude.”
“We were flying so fast that it took 150 miles to stop.”
“We didn’t know the tower was calling us because we didn’t realize we’d switched the radio to the AM dial.”
“We’re huge ‘Lost,” fans and we were trying to reenact the flight of Oceanic 815.”
“We figured if a runaway flight hoax could get Balloon Boy’s family on TV, a real runaway flight could get us on TV for sure.”
“We lost track of time while we were making sweet, sweet love.”
Many of such drugs have been in wide use among children, and they are only getting wider.
Some of the patients treated with these drugs may now file a fat lawsuit.
When patients treated for bipolar disorder realized their recent weight gain wasn’t their fault, they were thrilled and depressed.
Ideally, these medications should be limited to treat anorexia.
Some experts are against the use of these drugs to treat behavioral problems, and the kids in these cases really tip the scales.
On average, up to 36% of those taking these drugs suffered this side effect. Among those with multiple personalities, it was at least double.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Needless to say, things got a bit chaotic. For instance, airline personnel weren’t sure if the placenta should count as a carry-on or a personal item.
The mother says that the airplane’s crew members were very helpful, and they even let her choose whether to stow the baby under her seat on in the overhead bin.
When the mother’s water broke, the crew informed her she could be arrested for bringing more than 3 oz. of liquid on the plane.
Just as the plane dropped its landing gear, so did the mother.
Despite the pre-flight instructions, the baby found that the nearest exit was, in fact directly in front of him.
The woman’s labor might have been easier if the flight attendants hadn’t forced her to keep her chair back in its full, upright position.
Of course, if the woman had stayed in an upright position, she never would have gotten pregnant in the first place.
The baby came out of the womb just as the plane descended into a low-altitude landing pattern, giving a new meaning to lowering the flaps.
Until the plane came to a complete stop, the baby kept his umbilical cord securely fastened about his waist.
Due to the airspeed, this was the first baby to ever come out at 300 miles per hour.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Jefferson and Roosevelt may even go undercover, since most Americans don’t recognize those two anyway.
Apparently, graffiti artists have already drawn a silly, giant moustache on Roosevelt and a ridiculous beard on Lincoln.
The discovery of the true cause dispels another controversial theory that the frogs were being kissed by AIDS-infected princesses.
The disharmony in nature between the amphibians and this fungus has also resulted in a demand by both that no mushroom be called a toadstool.
This is the most serious amphibian disease since toads' congenital warts.
Sadly, even if a cure is found, frogs will continue to croak.
The man may have been eligible for handicapped parking. After all, he was in a wheel chair.
The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower engine, has headlights, a stereo, and cup holders. Most people in this country still wouldn’t want to drive one, though, because it was made in America.
In an experiment, researchers gave amphetamines to rats, and then forgot all about them.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bush is a logical choice at a motivational event. After all, if he could become the President of the United States, surely anyone can.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also attend the event, likely to help Bush with things like remembering to face the audience, not to wander offstage while speaking, and go to the bathroom before the speech, or after, but not during.
Bush agreed to the appearance because he loves his native Texas and likes the word “seminar.”
On the bright side, the suspect feels prettier now and prefers to be called “Kimberly.”
The alleged criminal and gang leader, whose name is Eduardo Revelo, even went so far as to get a tattoo that says “Not Eduardo Revelo.”
The FBI says he is also laundering money, but as the clock is ticking, he may get impatient and take it out before the rinse cycle is done.
Monday, October 19, 2009
To escape arrest, the father, Richard Keene, will hide in the attic of his garage until he gets his own reality show.
If Keene does get his own show, instead of one based on his storm-chasing experiences, it will be called “Cell-Block of Love.”
Whether or not they actually broke any laws, the country’s attention is still on the family, and everyone thinks the father is a jerk. So, you’re welcome, Jon Gosselin.
Statistically, this puts the United States at a new high.
If the federal government officially allows medical marijuana, there’s your healthcare solution, America.
Some say that, despite appearances, the tuxedo issue is not black and white.
The school officials who are against girls wearing tuxedos will next target tap dancing.
The recession is being cited as the reason, since criminals can no longer afford shooting lessons.
Police credit better training, equipment like bullet-proof vests, and limiting the racism to the places where it’s still welcome.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The family describes themselves as storm chasers. They just forgot to specify, “media storm.”
Naturally, the parents were glad their son was okay. But they are devastated over the damage to their fallen balloon.
When the boy was asked why he didn’t come out of the attic when called, he said “We did it for a show.” When pressed to find out what he meant, the boy finally admitted that his family was trying to get on So You Think You Can Hoax.
The brothel says they are trying to go green. Customers who got a really ugly prostitute also reported turning green.
The downside for byciclists traveling to the brothel is that now they have to do twice as much pumping.
Environmental prostitutes in Germany seem to be a contradiction. If a frog with a German name, Kermit, taught us anything, it’s that being green means not being easy.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The couple realized that they had accidentally been booked on a gay cruise after meeting several men in sailing uniforms, none of whom were part of the crew.
The name Grimaldi cruise Lines doesn’t automatically suggest a gay theme, but the name Princess Cruises was already taken.
The straight passengers had no complaints about the comfort or size of the ship; just the motion in the ocean.
It became obvious that it was a gay cruise when all the passengers inspected each other from bow to stern.
Because it was a gay cruise, passengers took Dramamine to absorb the drama.
There were dangers on the gay cruise. One passenger put on eyeliner, and next thing you know, dozens of gay witnesses say he went overboard.
The entire cruise was full of gay themed events. The only way it could have been more gay was if it had been Tom Cruise.
The judge says he has black friends, allows them into his home, and even lets them use his bathroom. This teaches an important lesson: some white-trash-owned trailers have a bathroom.
One of the most outrageous things about this case is that there are black people who are out there trying to be friends with this guy.
The judge says his concern is that mixed race children aren’t accepted in society. Actually, when it comes to color, the only offspring that should be prevented are from someone who is mostly white, but whose neck is red.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Apparently, public outcry over the boy’s initial 45-day suspicion caused the board to reconsider, and even overlook the bottle-opener the six year old might use to uncap beer.
Prior to this, the school board was so concerned about what could be construed as a weapon, they had resorted to dulling all students’ scissors, pencils, and minds.
If women had been allowed into space in the 1960’s think what it might have meant. Instead of just orbiting the Earth in a circle, a male pilot would have been forced to pull over and ask directions.
Immediately after Neil Armstrong made the first footprint on the moon, he would have been forced to clean it up.
The moon rover would never have been allowed to just sit there, unmoving, on the front lawn for years.
The payload of every space shuttle mission would have had a lot of extra pairs of shoes.
Spacewalks might not ever be an issue, though, because those space suits make everybody’s butt look big.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Ford may try to work the problem into future marketing. For instance, the popular SUV Explorer will be renamed the Ford Exploder.
Ford’s PR department claims this was just Ford’s innovative way of meeting consumer demand for keyless ignition.
Friday, October 9, 2009
There are some who, though happy for Obama, really feel that the Nobel was more deserved by Beyonce.
Obama was awarded the prize “for his… efforts to strengthen… diplomacy and cooperation.” That’s international politics language for “Good try.”
The president says he looks on the prize as a “call to action.” Aren’t you supposed to win a prize for already completing an action?
Experts say Obama would have been the runner-up for the Nobel, had Perez Hilton asked him his views on gay marriage.
Obama joins the ranks of Al Gore, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Democrats are confused because they thought he was all 4 of them, combined.
Former President George W. Bush offered his congratulations to President Obama on winning the prize, along with a piece of advice. Bush said, “Don’t eat that whole chocolate coin at once or you’ll get a tummy-ache.”
Fans look forward to seeing the pictures, but her interview makes her seem two-dimensional.
Thankfully, Patty and Selma won’t be in their upcoming twins issue.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The law provides harsher penalties for violence that targets gays and lesbians specifically, meaning gay S&M bars will all be shut down.
Legal experts argue, however, that if a criminal now disables a gay person, it creates a double-jeopardy loophole.
Opponants argued that “at this rate, it will soon be illegal to commit crimes against anyone.”
Data from the study was presented at a doctors’ convention in San Diego, very loudly.
For years, paparazzi photographers have provided proof that a convertible is also really bad for your hairstyle.
The ring could only be seen using an infrared lens. It could be made more visible, but NASA would have to pay $1.99 for the new ring tone.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Another factor making these discussions awkward: fat doctors.
Insiders say NBC is also thinking about replacing Leno’s show with some comedy.
Scientists are hopeful that earth can eventually harness the moon’s water and pollute it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Mel apologized shortly after his arrest for his drunken tirade about Jews and women. From now on, he will limit his comments to Jewish women.
Mel seems to have learned his lesson, having also paid a $1600 fine, which is less than his daily craft service budget for Lethal Weapon 5.
Office and campus escort policies and other prevention education and safety factors all contribute, but rapists say that women just don’t dress like their asking for it anymore.
The dentist also said that female patients without insurance have to pay up-front.
The dentist admitted that neglect of his morals led to their decay.
A patient said that he’d crossed the line when he said he needed to examine her mouth with his penis.
He also didn’t care if she spit or swallowed.
The man will likely lose his license to be a fake doctor.
Ironically, the man sneaked into the zoo because the tickets cost half an arm and a leg.
In a related story, some students have begun requesting that the pages of their textbooks be perforated and quilted.
To make sure students are prepared when arriving at school, instead of taking attendance, teachers will just do a roll call.
Math teachers in particular will have to make sure the youngest students have the skills to know the difference between numbers 1 and 2.
A Christian group is now trying to debunk the scientists’ authenticity.
The actual shroud is owned by the Vatican, who has made no official claim regarding it’s authenticity, nor any explanation for its “Made in China” tag.
Internationally, this news would be more exciting if the dollar was actually still worth something.
Friday, October 2, 2009
“The Late Show Latest”
David Letterman announced on his show that he had been the victim of an alleged blackmail scheme for sleeping with members of his staff. Paul Schaffer was quick to point out that it was entirely consensual.
It’s ironic that only a couple weeks after NBC put Jay Leno on at 10pm, all of CBS’s drama moved to 11:30.
The women he slept with who worked for his production company had kept it quiet until now, but it was Dave who just couldn’t keep it in his Worldwide Pants.
Amazingly, no evidence of the scandal had ever leaked out of Letterman’s Worldwide Pants.
Jimmy Kimmel almost had a similar scandal recently, but was able to avoid it when nobody wanted to sleep with him.
Letterman hinted that the sexual relationships had gotten pretty wild when he referred to them as “stupid pet tricks.”
Initially, Letterman just wanted to make sure that his sex partners gave him higher ratings than they gave Conan.
Letterman joked through his description of the real-life ordeal, leaving the audience unsure of whether or not the whole thing was made up. That is, until he read his list of “Top Ten Chicks I’ve Banged on this Show.”
Letterman has always looked confident onstage, even if a segment wasn’t getting big laughs. Now we know why: he always had another piece on the side.
Sarah Palin plans to call for Letterman to quit his job, or as she calls it, “Going Rogue.”
The alleged blackmailer is Emmy winning CBS News producer Robert Halderman, was has been suspended by the network and arrested following a sting operation with police. It’s possible that all this backstabbing, scandal, and intrigue is just part of CBS new season of “Survivor: The Ed Sullivan Theatre.”
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Chinese government representatives at the lighting were appalled, not so much by the protesters display, but by the fact that they weren’t hauled off to prison.
China was very happy to arrange a compromise tribute. There will be no lights for the anniversary, but everyone working inside the Empire State Building will be denied all human rights.
Said an angry paleontologist, “You maniacs! You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.”
The fossilized remains suggest a creature about 4 feet tall. To prove that she was more human than animal, scientists are carefully combing the site where she was found, certain that they will eventually find high heeled shoes.