“Guess Hugh’s Getting Married?”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-12-26-hefner-engaged_N.htm

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has gotten engaged at the age of 84 to Crystal Harris, a 23-year-old Playboy Playmate. Harris insists she doesn’t have any “daddy issues,” but she does has plenty of “granddaddy issues.”

Harris says that despite their age difference, she and Hef have plenty to talk about. For example, every day she reminds him who she is.

Though he’s 60 years older than her, Hef isn’t worried that Crystal might run out on him. Ironically, Crystal is far more worried that Hef’s money is going to run out on her.

Hef says his desire to marry Crystal is like Playboy itself: a desperate grasp for relevance in today's world.

Marrying Hef will be Crystal’s declaration of true love of money and celebrity.

Hef says that his love for Crystal makes his passion for Playboy pale by comparison. Kind of like how the Internet did for everyone else.

Hef says that the excitement of being with Crystal makes him feel like it’s the swinging 70’s again. Or, it could be that some days he really just thinks it actually is.

Because she’s marrying Hefner, the only things Crystal will need for the wedding are something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

“Secret Deal Revealed”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/12/julian-assange-signs-15-million-book-deal/1

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been offered $1.5 million for a book deal. The amount of money was supposed to be secret, but somehow it got out.

All the details to be written in the book have already been posted on Wikileaks.

Assange came up with the idea for the book when he was arrested on rape charges and was booked.

"Black Swan in White Gown"

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-12-28-millepied27_ST_N.htm

Natalie Portman has gotten engaged to her Black Swan co-star and choreographer, Benjamin Millepied, and has announced that she is pregnant. The news sent Anakin Skywalker into a murderous rage, and his descent to the Dark Side of the Force is now complete.

“OctoPay”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-12-26-octomom-eviction_N.htm

“Octomom” Nadya Suleman is facing eviction from her 4-bedroom house in La Habra, allegedly oweing $450,000 as a balloon payment. Suleman thought that the term “balloon payment” was just an expression, referring to her uterus.

Nadya is still optimistic, knowing that this story puts her face back in the media where she wants it.

Based on the money she owes, Nadya is trying to figure out how many of her babies she can sell to Kate Gosslyn.

Nadya, of course, has a back-up plan. She’s on the phone right now trying to get Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to adopt all the kids.

“Driving Points”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-12-23-bush-house-crash_N.htm?csp=hf

A car crashed onto the front lawn at the home of former president George W. Bush Wednesday. No one was injured, but before any debris from the accident was cleared, Bush complimented the head of FEMA on doing a great job removing it.

The car and driver never posed any threat to Mr. or Mrs. Bush, but George declared war on it anyway.

Bush blamed the accident on a part of the car, referring to it as an axle of evil.

The Secret Service is investigating in cooperation with the NSA, since the oil and other elements in the fuel in the car seem to have originated from somewhere the Middle East.

Bush said the excitement prompted by the sudden car crash reminded him of his days in the White House. Until an aid corrected him, saying, “No, sir. That was more of a train wreck.”

Republicans condemned the driver for being so careless, and Democrats condemned the car for its low gas mileage.

“King of the Media”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-12-22-nielchatter22_ST_N.htm

Larry King’s final show on CNN created a huge rise in his ratings, drawing 2.2 million viewers. Some of them weren’t even his ex-wives.

Larry didn’t seem overly emotional; mainly because he had no idea it was his last show.

In fact, he didn’t even remember that he had a show.

“Rehab Rehash” or “LiLo Hits New Low”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-12-21-lohan-battery_N.htm?csp=hf

Lindsay Lohan is being investigated for alleged battery of a Betty Ford staff member, but the staffer was fired for divulging patient information to the press. But for those of us who have believed for a long time that Lindsay Lohan has needed to be slapped, she’s a hero.

Celebrity gossip website TMZ immediately reported the shocking details. The most shocking of which was that Lindsay Lohan is still considered a celebrity.

“Military Pride” or "Ask, Tell"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2010/12/obama-gay-service-members-will-no-longer-have-to-hide/1?csp=hf

President Obama signed into law the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, allowing gay men and women to openly and proudly serve in all branches of our Armed Forces. This means gay men and women no longer have to be ashamed if they serve in the Coast Guard.

To show how they are supporting servicemen and women regardless of sexual orientation, the Pentagon is ordering that all future military uniforms be more form- fitting.

Headed to their local recruiter’s office are a policeman, cowboy, construction worker, an Indian, and a leather-clad biker.

“Cave Men”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/discoveries/2010-12-22-extinct-pre-humans-confirmed_N.htm

Genetic analysis of fossilized bone fragments has confirmed a previously unknown, extinct human species similar to the Neanderthals, called Denisovans, named for the Siberian cave where the bones were discovered. These people have no modern descendants, but scientists have strong theories about many details of their lives and culture based on episodes of Jersey Shore.

“Vege-Terrorists”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101222/us_yblog_thelookout/report-al-qaeda-plotted-to-sprinkle-poison-on-u-s-salad-bars

Officials revealed Tuesday that the al-Qaida cell that tried to pass toner-cartridge bombs in October also had a plot to poison restaurant salad bars. If they carried out that plan, based on American eating habits, they could have killed as many as… 0 people.

When asked if the “salad plot” scared them, most Americans responded, “What’s a salad?”

Meanwhile, the Terror alert was raised to Orange today when it was discovered that Americans are continuing to poison themselves with fast food and all-you-can-eat buffets.

The al-Qaida terrorists had previously attempted to attack America’s salad bars with germ weapons, but they were foiled by the sneeze guard.

“One to Grow On”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/census/2010-12-21-census_N.htm

Results of the 2010 Census show that population growth in the United States has slowed significantly in just the past few years, reversing a decades-long trend. Nice work, Border Patrol.

Immigration, which has slowed, has always been a major component in our country’s population expansion. America’s population is still growing, but mostly by people already living here gaining weight.

“Game Over”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/release-of-video-game-of-jewish-uprising-at-auschwitz-canceled/1

Programmers have cancelled the release of a bloody, Auschwitz-set video game where players pretend to be concentration camp prisoners rebelling against their Nazi captors. Game-makers are far more optimistic about the upcoming release of their more tasteful video games: Nursing Home Neglect: the Revenge, Twin Towers Escape: The Race Down Stairwell E, and Pre-Civil War Plantation: Slave Rebellion.

Iranian President Mahmoud Amidinejad denies that the game ever even existed.

“Ivy League Junk”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/cornell-senior-arrested-for-allegedly-holding-150k-in-heroin/1

A Cornell University student was arrested for allegedly possessing $150,000-worth of uncut heroin, or enough for 500 doses on Sunday. In a related story, no one bothered to show up at the dorm Christmas party Monday.

Obviously, she was a double major: Chemistry and Economics.

Her peers say that the incident mars the prestigious school’s reputation and gives a bad name to rich, stuck-up snobs.

Police took action when professors reported that many students whose grades were poor were suddenly shooting up.

"Tangled Web”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/theater/news/2010-12-21-spider-man-actor-falls_N.htm

Another performer in the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was injured and taken to the hospital Monday, after falling 30 feet during an aerial stunt. His injuries were not serious, but doctors confirmed that there is an almost 0% chance of survival for the show.

Since they keep having all these accidents, maybe Turn off the Dark should Turn on the Lights.

The show centers on Peter Parker, a young man bitten by a radio-active spider, who must then use his powers to recover a $65 million investment.

Producers say they are concerned about safety and are taking every precation to prevent any further mishaps, but the actors have completely stopped telling each other to “break a leg.”

Insiders say that the performer would never have been hurt if he hadn’t gotten too close to the Edge. Or Bono.

Celebrities, male enhancement, sex offenders and more...

A Virginia Judge has ruled that the part of the new health care plan that makes health insurance mandatory is unconstitutional. As a result, the federal government is trying to get the FDA to rule that the Constitution in a health hazard.

The FDA is warning men to stop taking the “Man Up Now” male enhancement pill, because it could cause blood pressure to become dangerously low. Enhanced, but low.

Man Up Now was willing to add words to their product’s name to warn customers about the potential danger. They were going to call it “Man (Pushing) Up (Daisies) Now.”

The makers of Man Up Now say that if you die and remain a stiff for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.

Hugh Jackman injured himself during a stunt while taping an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in Australia. His injury wasn’t serious, but oprah fans were devastated to learn that she couldn’t magically heal him.

Sandra Bullock has been named “Woman of the Year” by People magazine. Meanwhile, her ex-husband Jesse James has been named “Man of the Year” by Douche magazine.

A new Congressional report says that registered sex offenders are finding jobs as teachers as well as other jobs in schools around children. America was shocked to learn that there are people in this country who are finding jobs.

“FaceTime”

Time Magazine has selected Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg as their Person of the Year. As a result, Zuckerberg friended Time Magazine.

The question this raises is, was Time just trying to land a role in the sequel to The Social Network?

“Pumping into the Economy”

The FDA is concerned about a new trend wherein some mothers are selling their breast milk online. But marketing experts say that it is just the next logical step in trickle-down economics.

As a business, breast milk makes sense as a product, because of its liquidity.

“Snow Job”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40656640/ns/local_news-chicago_il/?Gt1=43001

A video on YouTube showing a bus driver hitting a snowman in the road earlier this month at the University of Illinois has resulted in the driver’s quitting his job. Despite his resignation, other snowmen in the area are so scared they are frozen stiff.

Forensics experts believe that the snowman may have just started to thaw, because evidence shows that in the seconds before the bus struck him, he made a puddle.

“Double Jeopardy”

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=617371&gt1=28103

The TV quiz show Jeopardy! Will host a tournament between 2 of its past top champions against an IBM computer named "Watson," specially designed to mimic human intelligence. The computer will be defeated when the correct response to the Final Jeopardy clue is “What is Love?”

A former Jeopardy champion commented, “Defeating a super-intelligent machine like this in fair trivia combat will surely dispel the notion that Jeopardy! is for nerds!”

“Chips are Down”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/gunman-on-motorcycle-robs-bellagio-casino-of-15-million-in-chips/1

A gunman wearing a motorcycle helmet robbed the Bellagio Hotel/Casino of over $1.5 million in chips Tuesday. He’d have gotten away, too, but valet motorcycle parking was free.

Police will apprehend him while he’s waiting for his complimentary cocktail.

Since casino chips have no cash value outside the casino where they are used, police are assuming the man’s helmet is depriving his brain of oxygen, so they’ll catch him when he calls 911.

After tipping the dealer, pit boss, bellman, housekeeper, bartender, cocktail waitress, restroom attendant, maitre D’, food server, and doorman, and limo driver, he got away with 100 bucks.

There’s an easier way to walk out of a Las Vegas casino with $1.5 million. Walk in with $3 million.

“Free Lunch”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2010/12/obama-signs-law-requiring-healthier-school-meals/1

On Monday President Obama signed The Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act. As part of a compromise with Republicans, the bill will extend lunch breaks for the rich.

Besides improving school lunches, the new law grants authority over vending machines on campus so they will sell things that American students need, such as Asian students’ test scores.

“Palin Comparison”

On TLC’s reality show Sarah Palin’s Alaska, guest star Kate Gosselin was so miserable on a planned camping trip that she packed up and left, after complaining about the bugs, the cold, and the rain. Or as it’s otherwise known, “camping.”

When she left and got on a plane to go home, Gosselin was so upset that she accidentally remembered not to leave her kids behind.

When Gosselin was told by Palin that they would be surrounded by a natural environment for the children, Kate thought that Sarah meant the TV crew.

Kate’s main concern was for her children, because, after all, there were TV cameras on her.

Kate was really upset right from the beginning, but that’s because she thought she was supposed to be meeting Tina Fey.

The Television Academy is going to give a special Emmy award for this episode, for making Sarah Palin look like the normal one.

(Which can usually only be done through the use of elaborate editing and expensive special effects.)

“Eyes for Mona Lisa”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1337976/Real-life-Da-Vinci-Code-Tiny-numbers-letters-discovered-Mona-Lisa.html#ixzz18360PXrQ

Historians using high-magnification techniques to look at Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa have discovered tiny letters and numbers deliberately placed in the eyes and elsewhere in the painting. Art lovers and conspiracy theorists are both devastated by this proof that the Mona Lisa was just a paint-by-numbers creation.

"Foreign Away"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-12-13-iran-foreign-minister_N.htm

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fired his foreign minister, Manouchehr Mattaki, on Monday. The reason may stem from an ideological conflict in that the foreign minister only hated America a little.

The issue may have been one of competence. It has long been suspected that Ahmadinejad never really considered Mattaki to be crazy enough.

For the going away party Ahmadinijad threw for Mattaki, he set up an open bar and ordered plenty of yellow cake.

Mattaki says that he is now looking to the future, and will spend his time hoping not to be killed.

"Creepy Patch"

http://www.wmur.com/r/26064702/detail.html

A New Hamphire man named Sean Neary, who is a former Boy Scout leader, was arrested for child pornography found on his computer. Neary faces 15 years in jail per charge, giving him ample opportunity to earn his prison bitch merit badge.

As a scout leader, Neary had never been left alone with any children, but had always hoped to see the boys rise to the position of full eagle.

His version of the Boy Scouts flag ceremony included “raising the pole.”

An investigation will determine if he ever gave anyone the two-finger salute.

"Nobel Prison Prize"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-12-10-nobel-award-ceremony_N.htmThe Nobel

Peace Prize ceremony took place Friday, but the winner, Chinese literary critic Liu Xiaobo, was not able to accept it in person, since he is in prison in China for speaking out against the government. Liu has asked the Nobel committee to send the medal to him, secretly requesting that they hide a file inside it.

The prize itself is a medal, but it also comes with a $1.4 million award. Liu says he is unconcerned with the money, but he hopes the medal can be shaped into a skeleton key.

"Crash Tax"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/new-york-drivers-bracing-for-crash-tax/1

New York City is implementing a “crash tax” for drivers, meaning auto accidents will come with a city fine to pay police and fire rescue officials. As a result, Billy Joel is no longer in a New York State of Mind.

Injury accidents will cost more, and car fires higher still. Fortunately in New York, muggings are still free.

"No Repeal"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/senate-gop-blocks-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell/1

Senate Republicans successfully blocked the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Thursday, which would have allowed gay men and women to serve openly in our armed forces. The move is hardly a surprise, since everyone knows that Republicans mainly like to keep their gay sex anonymous.

"High Prices Falling"

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/alternative/2010-12-08-marijuana-prices_N.htm

High Times magazine says that marijuana prices have dropped noticeably since medical marijuana has been legalized in several states. Finally, Snoop Dogg catches a break.

Sellers of recreational marijuana are not the only ones taking a hit.

"Cabin Boy"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/man-tries-to-open-door-during-continental-flight-to-houston/1

A passenger on board a commercial flight to Houston tried to open the cabin door, forcing the plane to land in Albuquerque, NM, where police took him into custody. He did it because he wanted to go back to San Jose, his departure point, because he missed the TSA agent who had just felt him up.

"Thrown from the Bench"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/12/senate-impeach-thomas-porteous-/1?csp=hf

The Senate impeached and removed federal district court Judge Thomas Porteous from the bench in Louisiana for accepting gifts from people appearing before him for court business and lying to both the Senate and FBI. For his behavior he will immediately be appointed to the US Senate for Illinois.

"Overdue"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/95-year-old-calif-woman-returns-library-book-overdue-74-years/1

A 95-year-old woman returned a library book 74 years overdue to the Amador County, CA public library. The fine was $2,701, but the library waived it. They felt they had to. It was either that, or kill her for the life insurance.

Worst for the woman, the book leaves a cliff-hanger ending continued in a sequel.

As a punishment, the library has suspended her borrowing privileges for 30 days. Or life, whichever comes first.

To conceal her impropriety, the woman was tempted, at one point, to just steal the book’s record out of the card catalogue. To which all the librarians said, “What’s a card catalogue?”

The library is only upset that the story made it into the news. They would have preferred to handle the matter quietly.

“Ice Fort”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/florida-cold-spell-breaks-169-year-record-in-ft-lauderdale/1

Ft. Lauderdale, Florida faced 40-degree temperatures this week, breaking a 169-year-old record. It was so long ago that only current Florida residents were alive when the last record was set.

“Harbor Resentment”

Tuesday, Dec 7 marked the anniversary of Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor, which prompted The United States entry into World War II. Young Americans acknowledged the anniversary this week by entering into the World of Warcraft.

American public schools admit that they don’t place a lot of emphasis on Pearl Harbor, mainly because it makes the students think Hitler was Japanese.

“Service Call”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/technologylive/post/2010/12/consumer-reports-att-the-worst-carrier/1

A Consumer Reports survey ranked AT&T the worst cellphone carrier. AT&T was called for comment, but the signal was lost.

AT&T claims that while their telephone service is admittedly sub-par, no one outshines them when it comes to sending messages by telegraph.

The company admits that they want to improve and are willing to tow the line, but they will charge you an additional $9.99 a month for that line.

“Wiki-Creep”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-12-08-wikileaks08_ST_N.htm

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was denied bail in London, following charges that he sexually assaulted 2 women in Sweden. The charges sound worse in the United States, but in Sweden, it isn’t even considered sex unless there are 2 women.

“Functional Art?”

http://topstoryweekly.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=24227

A NYU art professor surgically attached a camera to the back of his head to automatically photograph what’s behind him for a year-long art project. This is the kind of art that provokes difficult questions, such as “You never heard of Velcro?”

Though the surgical aspect of this story is disturbing to some, what’s really going to frustrate the professor at the end of the year is that when he started, he forgot to take off the lens cap.

“Oprah’s New Favorite Thing”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101206/ap_en_ce/us_kennedy_center_honors;_ylt=Aqqzp4_CpbKoTGUMLy.8_t5xFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTJ0OGtzMTQxBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAxMjA2L3VzX2tlbm5lZHlfY2VudGVyX2hvbm9ycwRwb3MDMwRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA2Z1bGxuYnNwc3Rvcg--

Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey was given the Kennedy Center lifetime achievement award. Because she demanded it.

She then celebrated by eating the Kennedy Center.

“Mrs. Frasier-To-Be”

Kelsey Grammar announced his engagement to 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh last week. Kayte hasn't said when and where her bachelorette party is going to be, but Kelsey will probably find out and crash.

“Willy Tonka”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40534787/ns/us_news-weird_news/

A 17-year-old boy led police on a 50-mile chase across Ohio in a stolen dump truck, totaling two police cars and damaging several others. He faces several criminal charges, as well as a lawsuit for copyright infringement by Smokey and the Bandit II.

“McNuptuals”

A couple in Mexico got married at a McDonald's. They have a fabulous honeymoon planned: going down McDonald-Land slide into the ball pit.

It was a beautiful affair until the Hamburglar stole the wedding cake.

At the ceremony, the couple was surrounded by their Best Mac and Maid-O'-Honor.

The officient asked if the bride took the groom to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for here or to go.

The guests didn’t mind the less formal reception, but they didn’t like having to dump their own tray.

I don’t want to say the engagement ring was fake, but it came out of a Happy Meal box, in plastic packaging labeled, “Not intended for children under 3.”

The couple had a 5-layer wedding cake. Three layers of bread and 2 all-beef patties.

“Presidential Lip Service”

President Obama required 12 stitches to his lip last weekend after being elbowed while playing basketball. While this stopped the bleeding, it couldn't stop the president from talking out of both sides of his mouth.

While the stitches stopped his mouth from bleeding, they couldn't stop the president from bleeding this country dry.

“Rangel Them In”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/12/charles-rangel-ethics-1/1

The House of Representatives voted 333 to 79 to censure Rep. Charles Rangel over ethics violations this week, the strongest form of discipline the House has short of expulsion. Though Rangel has not actually been convicted of any crime, he broke a cardinal rule of Congress: he got caught.

“Feeding Young Minds”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2010-12-02-house-school-lunches_N.htm

Congress voted Thursday to expand free and reduced-price lunch programs to widen eligibility for more schoolchildren across the country. This is terrible news for bullies, for whom lunch money is strictly a cash business.

This move is not a surprise from Congress, since its members typically expect a free lunch.

The bill is also meant to improve nutrition standards for school lunches. According to new rules, a serving of “green vegetables” can no longer refer to moldy tater tots.

“City of Brotherly Lungs”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/pediatrics/2010-12-02-phillysmoke02_ST_N.htm

The City of Philadelphia is meeting criticism for a higher rate of teen smoking than other major Northeast cities. Officials say the problem is mainly the ease of tobacco availability to minors, such as in the popular Philly Cheese-Cig sandwich.

“Have You Heard?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/congress-lowers-the-volume-on-tv-ads/1

Congress passed a new bill to control the volume of TV commercials to ensure that the ads will no longer be louder than the regular programming. Viewers hope that Congress will now do the same thing to Glenn Beck.

For decades, retailers have been shouting at consumers about their low, low prices. Now they are concerned they may lose business, especially since they have admitted that the only reason they can offer to sell their products so cheaply is: volume.

Certain advertisers have shunned the trend towards loud commercials, particularly in ads for hearing aids

“Opening Casket (Bid)” or "Coffin Up the Dough"

A Los Angeles auction house announced on Tuesday that it is auctioning off the coffin of JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. Well, they were going to, until jack Ruby shot it.

The CIA is trying to arrange for it to be a silent auction.

Conspiracy theorists are already saying that there had to have been a second coffin.

"Big 'Decision'"

George W. Bush’s memoir book, Decision Points, has sold more than a million copies. Upon hearing this, Bush immediately called his publisher to find out if that was more than a hundred.

“Boyle Down”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/11/susan-boyle-stops-mid-way-through-view-song-/1?csp=hf&loc=interstitialskip

Susan Boyle appeared on The View this week, to sing O Holy Night, but stopped singing halfway through. Marine-life experts were called in and confirmed that Susan had simply beached herself and got stuck.

Despite the incident, Boyle was glad to be a guest on The View, because when she’s sitting between Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, she gets to be the pretty one.

“Fat Cat”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2010-11-27-fat-cat_N.htm

A famous, 44-lb. cat named Prince Chunk, who became a bit of a celebrity for his girth, died Sunday from heart disease. In a related story, journalists all over the country have officially run out of things to write about.

“TSA T&A”

http://newsok.com/in-bra-panties-and-wheelchair-woman-goes-through-oklahoma-city-airport-screening-this-mornin%20%20g/article/3519710?custom_click=lead_story_title

Tammy Vanobac, a woman in a wheelchair who missed her flight after failing to pass an airport security check in Oklahoma City Tuesday, showed up Wednesday wearing nothing but a black bra and panties. She passed the screening in her underwear, but forfeited her status as a “first class” passenger.

In her first attempt to board a day earlier, TSA agents said her wheelchair showed traces of nitrates, which can be used in bombs. In her screening upon her return the next day, the TSA only detected traces of bikini wax.

Had she been arrested today in her bra, onlookers would have seen quite a bust.

Despite paralysis of her legs, bra-clad Tammy proved that she can still handle a push-up.

Even after passing through security, she was almost kicked off the plane because she was smokin’!

“Dark Motives?”

http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-hobbit-fires-casting-director-for-thinking-onl,48362/

A casting director has been fired from The Hobbit after specifically asking for actors with "light skin tones." Things had already become tense when he had suggested that the wizards should elect a Grand Wizard.

To be more sensitive, the role of Gandalf the Grey will now go to an actor who is half white and half black.

Seriously though, does ‘Bilbo Baggins’ sound like the name of a white dude?

“Worst Kept ‘Secret’”

http://mediagallery.usatoday.com/Victoria's-Secret-2010-Fashion-Show-/G1842

Tuesday night was the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. CBS broadcast the event, proudly noting that it is both one of the sexiest shows on broadcast television, and also the most viewer-interactive if you count masturbation.

“Mega-Mammals”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2010-11-26-giant-mammals_N.htm

A global fossil survey published this week says that following the extinction of dinosaurs, giant mammals much larger than the modern elephant roamed the Earth. Scientists say this could explain the evolution of Snooki.

Scientists agree that it is good that these mammals shrarnk down in size over the next 40 million years until today. You think it’s hard to get dog walkers to clean up after their pets now?

“Food for Thought” or “Won’t You Kids Keep It Down?”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/pediatrics/2010-11-30-eating-disorders_N.htm

The American Academy of Pediatrics reported Monday that hospitalizations for children with eating disorders more than doubled between 1999 and 2006. When kids and teens heard this frightening statistic, it made them want to throw up.

Government data says that those most affected by this sad trend fell into 3 basic categories: fat losers, ugly losers, and stupid losers.

Parents showed concern that these kids will never amount to anything, and that they’ll never be good enough.

More than anything, mothers and fathers wanted to make sure that these kids knew that no matter what, the divorce was their fault.

Girls are especially prone to anorexia and bulimia, leaving parents asking questions like, “Why can’t you be as pretty as your step-sister?”

“Caps On”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_theticket/20101129/ts_yblog_theticket/obama-announces-federal-pay-freeze

President Obama announced Monday that all civilian federal employees’ salaries will be frozen for 2 years to help the nation climb out of the deficit. As a result, federal workers are more motivated than ever to do nothing all day at work.

Upon hearing the news, a General Motors executive said, “Whew. Went back to being a private company just in time. For having that kind of foresight, I’m giving myself a raise.”

Military personnel will not be affected by the freeze. They will, forever, be left in an endless war in a scorching desert.

Members of the armed forces report that they are less concerned with their salary and more concerned about their benefits. And by benefits they mean an exit strategy to get them the hell out of the Middle East.

“R.I.P. Leslie Nielson: Deadpan Master (Minus the Pan)”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/obit/2010-11-28-leslie-nielsen-obit_N.htm?csp=hf

Actor Leslie Nielson, best known from the Airplane! and The Naked Gun movies, has died at the age of 84. As his character Lt. Frank Drebin often said, “The feeling is mutual.”

To grant the beloved Mr. Nielson the dignity he deserves, his grave will simply be marked “Enrico Palazzo.”

The funeral will be a somber, traditional service until the coffin rolls away from the pallbearers, rolls down a steep hill, and hits the bumper of the hearse at high speed, causing the body to fly out and land in a compromising position on top of an unsuspecting female mourner attending a different funeral, preferably a stuffy, European duchess.

“Full Nelson”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-11-26-willie-nelson-charges_N.htm

Country music legend Willie Nelson was arrested Friday for drug possession when 6 oz. of marijuana was found on his tour bus at a border patrol checkpoint in Texas. An officer became suspicious when he saw that #1 - it was a tour bus, and #2 - it was Willie Nelson.

The officer smelled marijuana as soon as the bus door was opened. Willie explained that they did that on purpose to cover the smell of his unwashed hair.

The incident proves that when people smoke pot, they are much more likely to “make a run for the border.”

“Sun Times”

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5iabt-SAXY390wSpknpaI-EkWnCvA?docId=CNG.e80666177013e5bf887c610c599c5665.2a1

A woman named Angeles Duran from Spain is claiming to own the sun and has registered it as her personal property through a notary public. Anyone wishing to dispute her ownership rights will have to apply sun block.

Duran is making herself a target. Now anyone who gets a sun burn can sue her.

Ms. Duran says she plans to charge a fee to everyone using the sun. Her claim has already sparked outrage over vampires getting special treatment.

Those who refuse to pay her fee will have to stay in the shade.

If you get behind on your payments, she will cover the sun with her hand.

The sun plans to sue for emancipation.

Some say her claim is the boldest ever made, and others are waiting to see if anything can eclipse it.

Most of the world should be greatly concerned about this, but at the North Pole they only give half a care.

All citizens of Earth are encouraged to forward their air-conditioning bills to Ms. Angeles Duran at her home address in Salvaterra do Mino, Gallicia, Spain.

“Plastic Kardashians”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-11-29-kardashians-debit-card_N.htm

The Kardashian sisters are trying to sever their relationship with a prepaid debit card marketed as the Kardashian Kard after learning that the product is being investigated for unusually high fees for initial card purchase, use, loss or even cancellation. The card’s own spin-off reality show will be called Keeping Up with the Kosts.

It is unknown how much money the Kardashian girls were supposed to make for endorsing the product up fornt, but it is likely that their deal was structured to by heavy on the back end.

Featuring a picture of all 3 sisters on the card, it was never easier to get Kim, Kourtney and Khloe into your wallet, unless you’re a professional athlete.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A Happy Thanksgiving to all. Enjoy the holiday whether you celebrate with your family, your friends, members of your gang, your over-priced therapist, with 100 cats, your cell-mate, your lawyer, your entourage, your henchmen, hounded by paparazzi, among your minions, chased by federal investigators, or like me: with legions of adoring fans.

“Bible ‘Quotes’”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-11-19-newbible_N.htm?csp=hf

The New International Version of the Bible is publishing a revised edition, taking out some of the gender-neutral language from a 2005 edition that was harshly criticized. Changing the word “mankind” to “human-kind” is one thing, but when they start to use “he or she” when talking about Jesus…

Basically, the new version says that you’re all still going to hell, but men and women won’t be separated.

“Backpack Is Back”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-11-19-homeless19_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

An Arizona homeless man returned a backpack he found containing $3,300 in cash and a laptop computer at a light-rail station. For leaving a parcel at a rail station, the owner of the backpack is now being investigated by Arizona as a possible Hispanic.

The homeless man said that if he had kept the money, he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. And there’s nothing worse than tossing and turning all night on a park bench.

“Tiger Trying to Get New Stripes”

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/golf/pga/2010-11-18-woods-image_N.htm?csp=hf

Image experts say that Tiger Woods is failing in his attempt to improve his public image, and that people see him as arrogant following his scandal and divorce. “Yeah, it’s true,” Woods admits, “But this bad-boy thing is getting me laid more than ever.”

“Bullyish Economics” or “Jerks in Jersey”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-11-19-new-jersey-bully-bill_N.htm

New Jersey lawmakers have introduced an bill to offer counseling and create peer awareness to protect college students from bullying. If it passes, enforcement will cost taxpayers their daily lunch money – if they know what’s good for them.

Any legislator that doesn’t vote to approve the measure will be called a sissy and shoved into a locker.

The measure is meant to prohibit harassment based on sexual orientation, gender, race, or ethnicity. But, to preserve college tradition, jocks can still pick on nerds.

Though the bill is meant to protect against bullying based on race or ethnicity, it's still New Jersey, so people's tans are still fair game.

Also, even if all bullying is eliminated, members of college fraternities will still have the right to be a**holes.

“XXX-presso”

A Brooklyn coffee shop is offering customers 10 shots of espresso in a single serving with the nickname "porn in a cup." The first 9 espresso shots are free. The tenth is the money shot.

You might think that would be hard to drink, but it’s surprising how easily it goes down.

They are working on an iced version, and of course, the ice would be shaved.

“Bring to a Boyle, Simmer”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/11/susan-boyle-is-as-big-as-the-beatles-the-monkees-/1

Singer Susan Boyle is as big as The Beatles and The Monkees, judging by simultaneous U.S. and U.K album sales. Also, by weight.

By all measures, she is a recording industry giant.

“’Tis the Season” or “White Christmas”

This season’s holiday shopping has already begun. The most popular, must-have, cute, cuddly item that everybody seems to want this year is: Betty White.

“Surveillance Says”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/sex-relationships/marriage/2010-11-18-1Amarriage18_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

According to a survey conducted last month, almost 40% of adults say that marriage is becoming obsolete. Of course, all of the people who expressed that were married men so they didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, did they?

“Justice… League”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2010-11-18-hollywood-superheroes_N.htm

Citing the right to free speech, a federal judge blocked police from removing costumed superhero impersonators from Hollywood Blvd., where they pose for tourists’ photographs for tips. Newspaper publisher J. Jonah Jameson insists that this is just proof that that Spiderman is nothing but a menace.

Police have dealt with complaints of performers aggressively seeking tips, but can’t arrest the superheroes just for being there. So they plan to be a visible presence, will closely observe, and just in case, are stocking up on Kryptonite.

“Ryan’s Reign”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/11/people-reveals-its-2010-sexiest-man-alive-/1?csp=hf

Ryan Reynolds was named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2010. People has honored Hollywood’s leading men with that title since 1985’s Mel Gibson. So Ryan, the clock is ticking towards your violent, racist, misogynist, anti-Semitic meltdown. Good luck!

Ryan has starred in films such as The Proposal and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but is best known as Mr. Scarlett Johansson.

“Engaging Talks”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/11/sarah-palin-president-2012-/1

Sarah Palin told a reporter that she is “engaged” in conversations with her family about whether or not she should run for president in 2012. Still, that doesn’t mean anything; Bristol Palin’s been engaged twice.

“Blackout-in-a-Can Ban”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/parenting-family/teen-ya/2010-11-17-1Afourloko17_ST_N.htm

The FDA has banned the sale of caffeinated alcoholic energy drinks such as Four Loco, Joose, and Moonshot, which they have deemed unsafe. The ban is meant to protect college students, and it will, until they hear about Rum and Coke, Jack and Coke, and Irish Coffee.

Several students reportedly got sick after drinking these beverages, some passed out, and a few even suffered memory loss. These experiences are known to most as “college.”

The government intends to enforce the ban, and even expand it if necessary, to ensure that no one in America is having any fun at all.

Members of Congress supporting the ban say it’s a non-partisan issue. It’s not about leaning towards one party, it’s about being the party-pooper.

“It Does Literally Not Matter”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/antimatter-created-captured-for-the-first-time/1

Physicists announced Wednesday that they captured antimatter atoms for the first time, for a tiny fraction of a second. Of course, after, it felt anticlimactic.

They only worked with a few single atoms, but the physicists now hope to up the anti.

The scientists working with antimatter are being sued by Lady Antebellum.

Protesters of the experiments are anti-antimatter, which they feel, makes them matter.

Scientists working with antimatter hope to discover its counterpart, uncle matter.

“Flying Eagle”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/thehuddle/post/2010/11/nfl-names-michael-vick-nfc-offensive-player-of-the-week-for-second-straight-week/1

The NFL named the Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick the NFC Offensive Player of the week for the second week straight on Tuesday. This is hardly surprising, since a couple years ago, Michael Vick was considered the most offensive person in the league.

“Apple Records”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2010-11-16-beatles-itunes_N.htm

On Tuesday, Apple announced that they will begin offering The Beatles’ recordings on iTunes. Until Yoko Ono finds a way to digitally break them up.

No one knows if Yoko’s music is available. No one has asked, and no one cares.

Steve Jobs excitedly made the announcement about the downloadable Fab 4, foolishly adding, “They are going to be bigger than Jesus.”

“Non-Lethal Weapon”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/11/mel-gibson-admits-he-slapped-oksana-grigorieva/1

According to court documents, Mel Gibson admitted to slapping girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva back in January, but only to calm her in her state of hysteria. Mel didn’t specify whether it was he or she who was in the state of hysteria.

Mel alleged that she was holding and shaking the baby, trying to keep her away from him. “She clutched that baby,” Mel said, “like a Jew holding his money.”

Mel will use this experience as the basis for the sequel to one of his popular romantic comedy films, What Women Don’t Want.

“Snail 1, Humans, 0”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/california-diners-sue-over-snail-that-exploded-/1

Two customers are suing a California restaurant where a cooked snail in their escargot dish allegedly “exploded,” squirting one in the eye and ruining their shirts. Of course, the only thing more disgusting than having a piece of a snail land on your shirt is eating one.

Their lawsuit is expected to move forward… very, very slowly.

The government is looking into the case to determine the military applications of an exploding snail.

The two finished their meal, and the man who claims an injury to his eye did not seek immediate medical attention when he left the restaurant, but when they followed the snail’s slime trail, they found that it led straight to a lawyer.

Even an out-of-court settlement may cost the seafood restaurant a lot of clams.

The men said the incident “humiliated them.” But appearing in the news as the Exploding Snail Victims is a badge of honor.

“Scanning New Jersey”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2010/11/new-jersey-full-body-scans/131296/1

New Jersey legislators are trying to block the use of full-body airport screening machines which they say invade privacy, like a “virtual strip-search.” The Jersey residents initially favored the machines, but thought that they were meant to give full body tans, not full body scans.

“Simpsons Except Jessica. or O.J.”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-11-12-the-simpsons_N.htm

Fox television announced Thursday that they have renewed The Simpsons for its 23^rd season beginning next fall. 23 years, wow. This means that the show is now being animated by an entire second generation of Korean children.

By the end of their 23^rd season, the show will have produced 515 episodes and been on the air 10 more years since it was still funny.

Fox is keeping the show on because it still has solid ratings, but mainly to keep another Family Guy spin-off from airing, which would cause Seth MacFarlane’s ego to go supernova and kill us all.

“Police the Internet for Police”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2010-11-12-1Afacebookcops12_ST_N.htm

According to a national report, about a third of police departments are looking at social media accounts such as Facebook as part of their background check for hiring new officers. They are weeding out a lot of applicants who, it turns out, are pirates, engage in Mafia wars, and tend to farms.

Police chiefs are dismayed to have learned that many of the applicants who want to be cops have been guilty of tagging.

Police executives agree that modern police techniques and technology should only be in the hands of individuals who demonstrate civic responsibility even online. Applicants who only have a MySpace account can be trusted with technology up until 2007.

“Splendor’ed Ending”

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/cruises/2010-11-11-1Acruise11_CV_N.htm?csp=hf

The weary vacationers from the disabled Carnival Cruise ship Splendor were relieved to finally disembark on dry land today. Docking in San Diego pleased the passengers because the city is famous for having working toilets.

Aboard the ship, the passengers had no electricity, cell phone service or Internet. Of course, once they got to their email accounts, they were flooded with palettes of spam.

How bad were the conditions aboard? Once the toilets stopped functioning for a boat filled with 4,500 people, even Somali pirates were like, “No thanks; you guys can just pass right through our waters. Keep it moving. Good luck. Bye, bye.”

“Two Moms Better than One?”

A new report shows the rate of child abuse among Lesbian parents is at zero percent. Obviously, that’s not counting the emotional trauma and humiliation caused by their mullets.

So lesbians’ homes are safe, healthy, and comfortable, just like their Birkenstocks.

The study made Rosie O’Donnell’s kids finally feel safe.

Among straight couples, there has always been a percentage of abuse that has gone unreported due to some mothers’ physical fear of the father. But among lesbian couples, neither partner would be afraid to finger the other.

“Smokey Lens”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies/regulation/2010-11-10-tobacco-labels_N.htm

The FDA and the Department for Health and Human Services are pushing for larger, graphic warnings on cigarette packs that would feature pictures of corpses and cancerous mouths, among other images. So smokers can be as grossed out by cigarettes as non-smokers.

“Searing Profits”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/sears-to-open-on-thanksgiving-for-first-time-in-its-124-year-history/1

Sears is planning on opening its stores on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in its 124-year history. Experts say that this jump on the competition for holiday sales will make the company hundreds of dollars.

Among their employees, however, it will make them thousands of enemies.

The move is in the holiday spirit, since homeless people need a place to wander around while the rest of the mall is closed.

“Book Wants You to ‘Do It for the Children’”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2010-11-10-pedophile-book_N.htm

An electronic book defending pedophiles sparked outrage, especially when it was made available for purchase for Amazon.com’s Kindle reader. Since its release, there has been a rising demand for Amazon to pull the book. If they do, it will only be available at Roman Polanski’s house.

“Text Appeal”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/sex-relationships/2010-11-10-texting-teens_N.htm

A study presented to the American Public Health Association says that teens who use text messaging excessively are more likely to engage in drinking, drug use, and sex. All while texting.

The term for such teenagers is “popular.”

Texting has become so ingrained in teen social life, and by extension, synonymous with their sexual activity, that the most common phrase among teens fighting is, “Go text yourself.”

Teens’ texting skills are predictably telling about their knowledge about sex. Their texts tend to be clumsy, sloppy, and over too quickly.

“Pollution Solution?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/greenhouse/post/2010/11/six-worst-global-pollutants-report/1

A new health study names the worst pollutants threatening the well being of the world. Topping the list are lead, mercury, and Spencer Pratt.

The report says that the pollutants primarily threaten children. Said a tobacco company spokesman, “Hey, that’s okay, as long as you don’t advertise directly to them. …Directly, right?” (Wink.)

"White Ranger"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/11/betty-white-is-made-honorary-us-forest-service-ranger/1

In a ceremony at the Kennedy Center in Washington Tuesday, Betty White was made an honorary Forest Ranger by the U.S. Forest Service. Ironically, she then accidentally started a forest fire with her own ‘heat.’

The crowd gathered gave her a round of applause, and the ceremony was twice as funny as Betty’s Saturday Night Live episode.

Ms. White’s next venture will likely be aboard the International Space Station, since she has now literally done everything on Earth.

“Cruise Control” or "Carnival Carnage"

http://travel.usatoday.com/cruises/post/2010/11/carnival-splendor-fire-cruise-ship-engine-room-tug-boat/130420/1

The Carnival cruise ship Splendor had an engine room fire Monday, forcing the ship to be towed to port by tugboats over an estimated 2-day period with limited food, no air conditioning, and no working toilets. Trying to still enjoy their trip, some passengers are just pretending they are vacationing in India.

It will take an estimated 2 day journey for tugboats to pull the 113,000-ton ship into port in Ensenada, Mexico. It would take less than a day, but there are a lot of fat Americans aboard.

Passengers say the only thing that would have been worse was if the cruise had proceeded as normal.

Per Carnival policy, once the ship docks, passengers wishing to disembark will be asked to remain calm and form an orderly Conga line.

“Surgical Pre-Disposition”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-11-08-michael-jackson_N.htm

On Monday’s Oprah Winfrey show, Michael Jackson’s mother said that she believes Michael was addicted to plastic surgery. She, on the other hand, is addicted to stating the obvious.

“Bananas for Cigarettes”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2010-11-08-smoking-chimp-rescued_N.htm

A 12-year-old chimpanzee has been rescued by animal rights activists and relocated to a Brazil sanctuary after being discovered smoking cigarettes in a Lebanon zoo. Apparently, in Lebanon, they don’t card for cigarettes.

In Brazil, the chimp will fight his nicotine addiction, and will be happy to get that monkey off his back.

The chimp’s treatment in Lebanon has brought harsh criticism, from his small cage enclosure to his chain… smoking.

It was a surprise to discover the chimp smoking, because, though they are social, they aren’t really pack animals.

Animals rights activists moved quickly once they thought the chimp was in danger. There were threats of violence from the Lebanese zoo’s camels when they heard the chimp was smoking Camels.

The smoking chimp would easily become agitated and would screech and scream as if cursing and swearing. Apparently, he had no filter.

The Brazilian sanctuary is glad to put a stop to the mistreatment of the animal. There is nothing funny about a chimpanzee smoking cigarettes. Cigars, however, now that’s hilarious.

"Hostess with the Most-est"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/nutrition-professor-loses-27-pounds-in-10-weeks-by-eating-only-twinkies/1

A Kansas State University professor Mark Haub lost 27 lbs. on a 10-week diet of Twinkies, Oreos, Doritos, and Little Debbie snacks. Though his health appears to be fine, his life expectancy has been lowered because the next Atkins dieter he meets is going to kill him.

The nutrition professor was attempting to prove that total calorie intake is what matters most when it comes to weight loss. Over the course of the diet, he did monitor things like heart rate and blood pressure. Or as it is now known, crème filling pressure.

Though his food choices were loaded with sugar, his beverage of choice was insulin.

His study also suggests that Super Size Me filmmaker Morgan Spurlock was just being a pig.

Professor Haub’s weight loss makes a lot more sense once you see him. The chemicals in Twinkies have shrunk him to 17 inches high.

“Chinese Secret”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/young-asian-boards-flight-to-canada-in-eerily-lifelike-disguise-as-elderly-male/1

A young Chinese man disguised as an elderly Caucasian man boarded a plane from Hong Kong to Canada to declare refugee status. Airline officials were fooled by his convincing “old man” prosthetic mask, though his hands looked too young for him to be old, and he was too polite to be American.

The incident raises safety concerns. Not only regarding airport security, but since the mask came from China, it probably contains lead paint.

The story has excited the imagination of mystery lovers. The mystery: why would anyone want to go to Canada?

China plans to use this aging make-up technology to get 14-year-olds into the next Olympics.

“Shell Shock”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/parenting-family/pregnancy/2010-11-05-peanut-allergy_N.htm

Researchers say that eating peanuts while pregnant may increase the risk of peanut allergies in babies. “Uh-oh,” said expecting elephants.

Mothers who eat peanut butter may also wind up in a jam.

The study did not evaluate all dangers associated with peanuts. For example, being a salted.

“Dropping the Bomb”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/al-qaeda-cell-in-yemen-says-it-sent-us-bound-bombs/1

A Yemen-based Al-Qaida cell is now taking credit for the 2 parcels bombs intercepted before reaching Chicago synagogues last week. Last week. Apparently, even their claim of responsibility was sent by snail mail.

Even though the bombs didn’t go off, they still took responsibility. Apparently someone is hoping to get promoted just for taking a little initiative.

It’s hard to know if they are telling the truth. Since the bombs failed to detonate, they have asked that their postage be returned.

They wanted to take credit right away, but they were afraid the whole thing would blow up in their faces.

A warning: these are bad terrorists. I mean, both bombs were intercepted, and both were disarmed. These guys are just bad terrorists. They even suck at being evil.