Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Longtime Chicago Cubs fans, a Mr. and Mrs. Fields, have named their new baby boy Wrigley, after the home stadium of the Cubs. The parents have already said that when the boy gets older, he can use his middle name if he wants, or just change his last name to Spearmint.

The parents actually thought of the name the moment their son was born and the doctor swatted him on his bottom. He had two balls, one strike.

Congratulations also to older brother Battle and sisters Air and Wheat.

Somebody stole a pet rabbit from its cage at a Spokane, WA pre-school. Either that or a magic trick in the school talent show went terribly wrong.

Police suspect a faked kidnapping, as evidenced by the ransom demand for 1 carrot.

A witness description of the rabbit as a "long-eared, buck-toothed, fur-bearing rodent" led to stalking charges against the witness, one Yosemite Sam.

Math and reading scores are up, nationally, according to standardized tests. Math scores jumped from 213 to 240 on 4th grade tests on average, an improvement of, like, 100 points.

Eighth graders test sores improved noticeably, overall, ad they are more motivated than ever to appear smarter than a fifth grader.

Keifer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday morning on drunk driving charges. Just as he was pulled over, an announcer’s voice-over was heard to say, “The following takes place between 0.8 and 1.6 blood alcohol level.”
Presumed innocent until proven guilty, its possible Keifer had been drugged by counter-intelligence double agents, who were trying to set him up for a few days in jail, 5 years probation, and probably some community service.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.

Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.

China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.

Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.

Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.

In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.

The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

In her ongoing child custody battle, Britney Spears now has been given a court order for drug testing. Sadly, she won’t be testing a drug that promotes hair re-growth.

Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.

Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.

Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.

These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.

And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?

The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.

As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.

The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.

So the kids swim off to the ocean.

The Juice is loose!

O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!

His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.

Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!

All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J. Simpson was arrested Sunday, following an incident in Las Vegas, where Simpson and gun-toting friends allegedly stormed into a hotel room and demanded collectible items that O.J. claimed were his own personal sports memorabilia. Since when are a pair of gloves and a knife considered sports memorabilia?

Simpson was allegedly trying to recover items from his football career, not because of any sentimentality, but because he has heard that on E-Bay, you can really make a killing.

Simpson was held without bail in Las Vegas, on charges ranging from robbery, burglary and conspiracy to assault with a deadly weapon. Simpson says the whole thing was just a stunt to promote his new book, “If I Robbed and Assaulted You at Gunpoint.”

Simpson alleges that the only reason he burst into the hotel room was he was looking for ‘the real killers.’

The Las Vegas collectors were not injured, even though, at one point they fell or were knocked to the ground. Luckily, they landed on a soft, round, flabby Britney Spears.

It’s a shame to think of the how far O.J. has fallen, arrested for robbery and burglary charges. It seems like only yesterday that the youth of America could look up to him as a true cold-blooded murderer.

Ashton Kutcher was among celebrities attending a Kabbalah conference in Israel. Kutcher said that Kabbalah answered important questions about life for him, and has made him a better actor, proving for certain that it doesn’t work.

Other celebrities including Rosie O’Donnell were also there, which is ironic, since Whoopi Goldberg is the one with the Jewish name.

Madonna was there, calling herself an “ambassador for Judaism.” Apparently, she considered her 2003 VMA open-mouth kiss with Britney Spears her Bat-Mitzvah.

Madonna then went on to officially pronounce pork kosher.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

A federal district judge has struck down a new rule requiring New York fast food restaurants to post calorie content on menus. This victory had the restaurant industry jumping for joy. Their customers were also happy, but too heavy to jump.

The New York State Restaurant Association said the rule was unconstitutional, so they exercised their right to challenge it in court. In fact, in the fast food industry, this is the only exercise they know.

To hear the ruling, fast food connoisseurs crowded into the courtroom, which was standing-room-only. Actually, there were only 4 people, but they took up the whole room and couldn’t fit in the chairs.

Britney Spears has had a great deal of attention over her body at the MTV Video music Awards Sunday night. She’s been called her everything from out-of-shape to fat. Luckily, with the rough year she’s had, Britney is ready to get herself into a really good eating disorder.

Even though she may not have abs of steel anymore, she still has a really good figure. And her fans have to remember that she is now the mother of 2 children. Of course, it would be nice if Britney remembered that.

In Minnesota, a home-owner and burglar got into a scuffle, whereupon the burglar’s shirt ripped, and then his pants, underwear and shoes came off in a tackle attempt, forcing him to run away naked. Luckily, it was just an unarmed burglary, not a stick-up.

Since the burglar got away with no loot, authorities had no need to search his sack.

The burglar was caught and arrested for burglary and not concealing his weapon.

He probably will be found guilty. He was caught red-handed, among other things.

It is unknown if the burglar will hire his own lawyer or rely on a pubic defender.

If convicted, his sentence could be severe, according to the penal code.

There could be a dramatic turn in court, though, as the defense already has a new wrinkle.

Friday, September 7, 2007

A female passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was escorted off a plane for wearing a tank top and miniskirt that another passenger complained was too revealing. How revealing was it? Let’s just say that the chairs weren’t the only thing in their full upright position during takeoff.

How can the airlines start to impose such strict dress code standards? Have you been through airport security lately? Take off your jacket, remove your belt. It’s practically a strip tease.

According to USA today, a national education trend toward virtual schools has grown to include 25 states. That’s good, because all graduates can find anymore are virtual jobs.

It also means that in order for school yard bullies to remain effective, they are going to have to become computer-hacking nerds.

Just remember, in the computer age, it costs $2000 to give an Apple to the teacher.

Biggest advantage to virtual school is actually gym class. Two words: video games.

Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark, saying they used her image and catch phrase, “That’s hot,” without her consent. She is sending her lawyer to hand-deliver a cease- and-desist order personally, because she cares enough to send the very best.

The Paris cards sell for $2.49, which Paris found insulting. Why pay two-and-a-half bucks for an un-authorized picture of me, when you could just sleep with me for free?

Paris is mostly upset because they are greeting cards, not get out of jail free cards.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.

Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.

Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.

All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.

Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.

Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.

Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.

Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.

In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.

Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.

She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.

She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.

Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.

The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Former senator and actor Fred Thompson has officially announced his run for the presidency. Initial polling showed that if the election were held today, more people would vote for Thompson than any other cast member from Law & Order SVU, except Ice-T.

China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.

In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.

With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.

The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.

He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

From Today's news: Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2007

Jerry Lewis issued an apology today, for letting slip an anti-gay epithet during his annual MDA Telethon. He said in his apology that he made a bad choice of words, and he’s never known a gay man who wasn’t a ni-iice la-a-dy.

The telethon raised a record $63 million to fight muscular dystrophy and help Jerry’s Kids. Or, as he calls them, Jerry’s Straight Kids.

I think we have to forgive Jerry Lewis. Remember, he’s cherished and admired in France. What could be more gay than that?

Spiderman star Tobey Maguire married his long-time girlfriend yesterday. I guess Spidey’s swinging days are over.

If you want to know how wild their honeymoon is going, I hear they are all over the web.

Mattel has announced more recalls of toys produced in China. Collectors are ecstatic. The harder these toys are to get, the more valuable they will be.

The new batch of recalled toys includes lead-tainted Barbie Accessories. Items containing lead, if sucked on or swallowed, can cause serious damage. Barbie can tell you. It’s why Ken has no genitals.

This is another costly blow to Mattel. It’s getting pretty bad. In fact, today Barbie sold her Malibu mansion and is now living in her purple Mustang GT convertible.

Monday, September 3, 2007

From Today's news: Monday, Sept. 3, 2007

Harvard doctors are testing new treatments for bipolar disorder. Some scientists are optimistic that new treatments will be more effective than anything prior. Others, however, felt doomed to conduct anonymous research for the rest of their sad, pathetic lives.

The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.

Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.

The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.

It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.

The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!

Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.

My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.

NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.