"GLEE-ful Response"

A federal judge ruled Wednesday that competitive cheerleading is not an official sport. Responded Glee’s cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester:

“So, judge, cheerleading’s not a sport? I’d like to take the stand, please, your honour. I, three-time National Cheerleading Championship coach and local television celebrity Sue Sylvester, swear to smack your face, your whole face, and nothing but your face, so help me Madonna.

“Now see if you can get your hairpiece around this, judge: What makes a sport is the competition. Take gymnastics. Sport, right? Does it offer equal competitive opportunity to everyone? Maybe wheelchair kids should be allowed to pole vault. None of those pole vaulters land on their feet like in real vaulting anyways, and there’s already a mattress there to catch ‘em. Now I’m a realist. Not everything competitive qualifies; some athletic ability is necessary. Chess isn’t a sport. Chess is for nerds who are too old for checkers but too poor to buy all the maps and figurines or whatever you need for Dungeons and Dragons.

“If you want to define sports, then pay attention and get your head in the game, and if it’ll fit, your fat, weak body, too. We are talking about physical activities, here. And just because lifting a forkful of pie to your mouth makes you sweat, the strain doesn’t make it a physical activity. I ought to pull that stupid black robe over your head and beat you with your own gavel ‘til you cry ‘game over.’

“Now listen up. Here’s a rule so easy even you can understand it. Anything that is ranked on scorecards is a sport. Except diving. That just bores me to tears. You want to make diving an interesting sport? Take the water out of the pool. My point is, scorecards are the key. That means these events are already being judged, and by professionals, instead of appointed posers like you. Maybe that means Dancing with the Stars belongs on ESPN. I don’t know; I don’t care. All I know is that life is a serious competition, and I’m in it to win it.

“So with all due respect, your honour, instead of putting all my Cheerios’ hard work and my expert coaching in the dock, how about you decide if it’s a sport to try to retrieve the scales of justice from out of your ass? You say cheerleading’s not a sport? I say, ‘over-ruled.’

“And that’s how Sue ‘C’s’ it.”