Thursday, April 30, 2009

“Battle of the Bandie”

It was reported this week that a high school girl who was grabbed by two muggers on her way to school in Quartz Hill, CA defended herself with her marching band baton, beating them up and then escaping, unharmed. It’s an incredible story. Who knew muggers get up that early in the morning?

The would-be muggers surely learned their lesson: only attack members of the glee club.

The backlash is that criminals looking to toughen up are now joining marching bands.

“Swined Up”

The World Health Organization wants to rename the swine flu, saying the name misleads people into thinking it is contracted through eating pork. Also, people with the flu are not turning into pigs.

Here are some of the new possible names for swine flu:
Swizzle Flizzle (from Snoop Dogg)

Mexico Flu,
International Flu,
Insurgent Flu,
Biden Back-paddle Flu,

Hope Flu,
Change Flu,
Yes We Can Flu,
Economic Stimulus Flu,

Stay Home for TV Season Finale Week Flu,
and Craigslist Flu.

Other suggestions include As-Seen-On TV Influenza; Contamination Station; The Outrageous Contagious; Sean “Swine Flu” Combs (name to be changed later); The Hospital and Healthcare Industry Bailout; Remember When Bill Gates Released Those Mosquitos in a Crowded Auditorium Flu; Human-to-Human Transmutable Infectious Swine Disease; and finally, the flu.

The WHO and the Obama administration want to spread the word that you cannot get the swine flu from handling or eating pork products. However, the world’s rabbis want to remind Jews that it’s still not kosher.

Jewish people eating pork should wear surgical masks in public to hide their shame.

Yesterday Egypt issued an order to slaughter all pigs in the country, apparently misunderstanding how the illness is passed. Initially, farmers didn’t even take the statement seriously, as “kill all the pigs” is a common, anti-American extremist chant.

Over 350,000 animals were destroyed. In compensation today, the Agricultural Minister issued a statement saying, “My bad.”

“Chrysler Crisis”

Chrysler declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy today. Also, Fiat, is stepping in as part owner. Chrysler will benefit from the Italian car company’s fuel efficiency and emissions technology, but all future car designs have to be approved by The Vatican.

Chrysler’s plan for recovery is simple. They are going to do the exact opposite of everything Ford and GM have been doing.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

“Mel’s Russian to the Movies”

Mel Gibson and his girlfriend, Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva made their first public appearance together at a Hollywood screening of X-Men origins: Wolverine Tuesday night. Gibson’s wife filed for divorce only 2 weeks ago. The two separated over irreconcilable differences. They dislike different things. Him: Jews, her: adultery.

Their divorce could be one of the most costly in Hollywood history. Mel is already planning a film about it, in which he would star: The Man Without A Nickel.

Gibson’s estranged wife of 28 years may well be entitled to half of his estimated $900 million fortune, but he may try to, you know, Jew her down.

“Hams Down” or “Pork Chopped” or “Bacon Greased” or “Sent to Hog Heaven”

The Egyptian government has ordered the slaughter of all pigs in the country over fear of the swine flu. Experts say it’s an over-reaction since the illness spreads from human to human, and no swine flu has been reported in that country. In fact, this seems reminiscent of Egypt’s 1970’s attempt to kill Deney Terio after an outbreak of Dance Fever.

Pig farmers whose animals are being destroyed are understandably angry, especially the ones who just moved there to start a new life after being laid off from General Motors.

Some farmers are being told they can still sell the parts from the slaughtered pigs since experts say the flu cannot be contracted that way. The ones who can’t sell all the meat are going into a new business: selling footballs.

The swine flu is serious, having already claimed more than 150 lives. Symptoms include fever, nausea, cold-symptoms, and growing a curly tail.

“Banks’ Account”

Tyra Banks testify against her accused stalker today. She had mixed emotions on the stand, disturbed by the accused calling and showing up at her New York TV studio building, but also excited that it will set up an episode of her talk show called “Confront your Stalker.”

Tyra, age 35, was a Victoria’s Secret lingerie and Sports illustrated swimsuit model before creating America’s Next Top Model. Still, police and the public at large are still baffled as to why the hell she has a talk show.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

“Dog Flight”

A Michigan couple’s Chihuahua has been returned to them after it blew away in a 70-mph gust of wind. The little dog weighs only six lbs. So if you’re ever in Michigan, watch out, Nichole Richie.

The couple is grateful to have their dog back, unharmed, and has promised never to attach her leash to a kite again.

The Chihuahua, named Tinker Bell has been advised to, in the future, avoid pixie dust and thinking happy thoughts.

Tinker Bell’s owners used a pet psychic to help find her. Despite being taken away into the air, the psychic somehow knew that Tinker Bell would be found on the ground.

When the psychic was asked if she could divine how the dog had disappeared, she said it was a breeze.

The owners had been at an outdoor flea market, so Tinker Bell willingly let the wind take her, rather than be at a place called a flea market. Dogs don’t get metaphors.

“Sworn In” or “Taking the ‘F’ Out of ‘First Amendment’”

The U.S. Supreme Court today upheld the FCC’s crackdown on profanity on broadcast television, overturning a U.S. Appeals court ruling. This means that for even an accidental, live expletive, the FCC will enforce their policy against the network and fine the shit out of them.

The justices specifically pointed out the F-word and S-word’s potential offensiveness due to their frank sexual and excretory nature. They are concerned that these words could offend viewers between commercials for Trojan and Ex-Lax.

“Double Dog Dare” or “Glowing Review”

Korean scientists have successfully cloned the first transgenic dogs, which carry fluorescent genes that bring about a red glow through their skin in low light. Academics are impressed, but think future experiments should attempt to advance knowledge instead of being done just on a dare.

The technology to clone glowing animals has already sparked interest from Santa Claus.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Researchers say that algae may prove to be a viable fuel alternative to fossil fuels. If it works, the only downside is the potential smugness of alternative energy companies who are literally able to get oil to go green.

Scraping up pond scum is not how energy companies have historically developed their product. Usually, that’s how they find their executives.

“100 Days Later”

Today marked Barack Obama’s 100th day in office, a traditional barometer for how a new president is doing. Political analysts use the occasion to compare a new administration to the previous one. Despite polar opposites between Obama and Bush, however, no one feels comfortable saying that the difference is black and white.

They won’t even say night and day.

Though Obama is under scrutiny from Capitol Hill, the media, and America at large, they are not looking too closely at revised or dropped Bush-era policies, which when you really look at them, were just torture.

And that’s just his domestic policies.

“Pirate Chip on His Shoulder”

A member of the crew of the Maersk Alabama, the U.S. ship that was hijacked by African pirates, is suing the owner of the ship for allegedly putting sailors in danger. He is seeking $75,000 in damages, which just goes to show that nothing can dampen the American spirit.

The man was the chief cook on the ship and was preparing a meal when pirates boarded. Not only was he scared for his life, but the entire crew lost their lunch.

Friday, April 24, 2009

“Salt Shakers” or “Bland Ambition”

In New York City, officials are meeting with food industry reps to limit salt in restaurant meals and condiments. The Big Apple has already banned artificial trans-fats and mandated calorie listings in chain restaurants. City officials are already planning their next policy: when you walk into a fast food restaurant, they call and tell your mother.

Police are already training for future undercover operations to bust up illegal salt rings.

New York may even sanction the oceans.

The city government is trying to help residents arm themselves against health problems such as high blood pressure and obesity. That way, New Yorkers only have to worry about dying from being mugged and murdered in the street.

Or as that’s known in New York, “natural causes.”

“Bullied Moose”

A group of 8th grade students in Alaska frightened and taunted a moose to the point where it fatally injured itself after the animal had wondered onto school grounds. As punishment, the children will be forced to sit through a painfully uncomfortable interview with Governor Sarah Palin.

Then Governor Palin is going to hunt and shoot the children.

And then she is going to shoot the moose, even though it is already dead, “Just for fun.”

In keeping with Alaskan environmental policy, the moose will them be the guest of honor, so to speak, at a memorial barbecue.

Participants are just reminded, “Don’t swallow the buckshot.”

“Blue Jay”

Jay Leno left the Tonight Show studio Thursday to check into the hospital after describing vague symptoms. 30 minutes later, Jimmy Kimmel described funnier, more specific symptoms.

David Letterman was concerned enough to call Jay to make sure he wouldn’t be going back to work right away.

Visitors to Jay’s hospital room first have to endure a long monologue interrupted by uncomfortable banter with Kevin Eubanks.

Jay is expected to return to work Monday, and should be fine as long as the cue card guy isn’t sick.

In case he needs to return to the hospital quickly, Jay will buy his own ambulance for his car collection.

All kidding aside, Jay Leno has always been warm, friendly, and generous to me personally and professionally. I wish you a full and speedy recovery, Jay. Meanwhile, like they say, keep your chin up.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

“Firing Squad”

A long-term study released this week shows that business executives who decide to make layoffs and do the actual firings suffer from stress, loss of sleep, and even health problems. In a related story, good!

Some high level executives even develop a sharp loss of appetite and can barely have their personal assistant feed them bon-bons in the hot tub.

The study says the feeling of laying people off is psychologically similar to the end of a romance or falling out of love in a relationship. To that end, many employers hire temps and independent contractors, to feel they’re getting a little something on the side.

It’s like a company mistress, referred to by those losing their jobs as the Corporate Bitch.

“Schools Leave Trail of Droppings”

A new study found that across the nation, the drop out rate among high school students is 1 out of 4, which is alarming. That’s like, what, a third or something?

Many students who are struggling academically decide to just give up. Some top universities have offered this recommendation: just let the football and basketball teams slide.

In some cases, the students dropping out are bored, but in others, they just can’t wait to get out of school and not be able to find a job.

Bureaucrats have already come up with a perfect solution to get more students to graduate across the board: Lower the standards.

Tutoring and preparatory classes are helping, but may not be enough to motivate struggling students. In a related story, principals have begun to encourage cheating.

In some major cities, like Las Vegas, graduation rates have plummeted to as low as 54.5%. It may get to a point where the only ones graduating are the students who are sleeping with their teachers.

Actually, that would slightly increase the numbers.

“Credit Check”

President Obama is pursuing legislation to protect credit card users from sneaky fees and rate-hikes. Credit card companies have been threatening and intimidating card-holders for years with Big Brother-like phrases such as “Visa: it’s everywhere you want to be.”

Until the economy recovers, the government wants to make sure people are still able to buy necessities such as iPods and HD TVs.

By whittling down the needless fees and hidden costs of credit cards, Obama’s strategy is to force credit card companies into a position where they, too, need a federal government bailout.

Visa, Mastercard, and others may try to fight such legislation. Some customers are already finding that their credit cards have literally been cancelled due to lack of interest.

The Discover card has not been a part of these discussions, mostly because everyone has forgotten that they exist.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

“World Piece”

Today is Earth Day, an event that is meant to focus on our natural resources. This is timely, since all our financial resources have dried up.

Experts say we are working towards a paperless society, as evidenced by both a lack of cash and the bankruptcies of many national newspapers.

The Obama administration is encouraging eco-friendly policies and inviting people to actually go out and explore nature. This is a slight change from President Bush, who encouraged selling Earth-themed plastic or Styrofoam souvenirs and Earth Day logging.

This is the kind of day that can be appreciated by and inspirational to both the left and the right. Liberals see the focus on the planet as a long-term investment in our future, and conservatives like to laugh at the tree-hugging hippies.

“Solar Roll-Back”

In conjunction with Earth Day Wednesday, Wal-Mart announced that it is nearly doubling the size of its clean energy initiative. The retail giant will power up to 20 more stores and distribution centers with solar arrays, and they are already powering several others with employees forced to run in giant hamster wheels.

A Wal-Mart rep said that it is easy to pair the idea of using global indoor solar heat energy with a company already so associated with international sweatshops.

In the business world, Wal-Mart is already recognized as a very green company, but by that they just mean they make more green than everybody else.

Wal-Mart has used their own business model as their inspiration for the plan: they carry cheap merchandise that they bought even cheaper. The sun is better than cheap; it’s free.

The company’s original plan to harness solar power was based on a different philosophy. They thought that if they could control the sun, they’d control the world.

In another environmentally-friendly-sounding statement, Wal-Mart also said that they were always watching out for the insects. Unfortunately, though, that is just how they refer to all their retail competitors.

“Plan B Gets FDA OK”

In a decision reversal, the Food and Drug Administration will now allow 17-year-olds to get the ‘morning-after’ pill without a doctor’s prescription. The controversial change is churning up arguments over women’s rights, parents’ rights, and the safety of minors. Hardest hit of all, lest we forget: the nation’s prescription pad printers.

The pill is made to be swallowed up to 72 hours after unprotected sex in order to prevent ovulation or egg fertilization. Though 17-year-olds will now have access to the pill over the counter, there are no plans yet for a chewable, children’s version.

Purchasing the pill won’t require a parent’s permission, but will cost from $35 to $60, so Mom & Dad, watch your daughter if she starts asking for that advance on her allowance.

Sixty dollars may sound like a lot of money for one pill, but economic studies have shown that it actually costs more to have a baby.

“Dog Fetches Bounty”

An attempted murder suspect shot at A & E reality star Dog the Bounty Hunter, who was trying to take him in armed with a paintball gun. Dog wasn’t hit, and caught the man late that night outside a Toy’s ‘R Us. The theory is that the shooter went shopping for his own paintball gun to match Dog’s fire power.

The suspect is wanted for 2nd-degree attempted murder, domestic violence, and gun charges. He originally escaped on a motorcycle after allegedly firing the gun, and was taken in by a bleach-blonde TV star with a paintball gun. Who’s the tough guy now, eh?

Dog’s TV crew was with him when he tried to make the arrest, but they missed filming when the shot was actually fired. In a related story, that shot might not be the only thing to get fired.

“Love is Magic”

It was announced this week that stunt-magician/escape artist David Blaine got engaged to French model Alizee Guinochet earlier this month. Blaine has no fear of marriage because he already knows what it is like to have a heavy chain around his neck.

Blaine already has his next stunt lined up. After they get married, for the duration of their honeymoon, he will attempt to stay inside Alizee without food, water, or air.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

“The World Is Not Enough”

European astronomers have discovered a nearly earth-sized planet in the constellation Libra. The discovery is exciting because of the possibility of Earth-like features, which would almost guarantee that the new planet has a better economy than ours.

“Equestrian Esther”

Madonna was thrown from her horse today when paparazzi popped out of the bushes to snap pictures of her riding in the Hamptons. Injuries were minor, but the fall may have broken Madonna’s already fractured English accent.

Paparazzi claim that they didn’t realize that she was on a horse; they thought she was on top of a ‘roided up A-Rod.

The poor, graceful creature was scared, but will still be ready to be mounted again soon. And so will the horse.

“Student Body”

The Supreme Court heard arguments today about the rights of schools to strip-search students suspected of having contraband, versus the 4th Amendment rights of the students. One suggested compromise is that students can only be strip-searched by teachers they are already dating.

Another idea is that any student forced to remove their clothes gets their own reality show, so at least they get a lot of attention is exchange for their dignity.

Lawyers for the schools did finally concede that any strip searches should not be done in the teachers lounge, set to music.


Dr. Stephen hawking was hospitalized yesterday for a chest infection that has been plaguing him for weeks. Still in the hospital, the noted physicist is feeling better than yesterday, noting that it is all relative.

Monday, April 20, 2009

“World Tirade Center”

At the United Nations conference on racism in Geneva today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a half-hour-plus speech ascribing all problems relating to racism in the modern world to Israel and the Jewish State. Perhaps organizers should have made it clear that a racism conference is intended to be against racism.

Ahmadinejad said the United States and Europe set up the state of Israel as a deliberate anti-Palestinian campaign following World War II, proving that those who do not learn from history are destined to make up their own fake version of it.

Ahmadinejad also said that Zionists controlling the U.S. instigated the war in Iraq in 2003. Racism aside, though, he may have thought that line was doing former President Bush a solid.

About 40 delegates walked out on Ahmadinejad’s speech. It takes a lot to get British and Norwegian diplomats to walk out on a head of state, but no one was surprised to see the French turn their backs and run.

Protesters, expecting such rhetoric, wore rainbow wigs and clown costumes, and tossed red, foam noses towards Ahmadinejad as he spoke. Critics feel that, if anything, this took away from the already circus-like atmosphere of the event.

Ahmadinejad’s exact wordings were monitored carefully by legal experts, noting that the phrase, “Jews start all the wars in the world,” is trademarked and may not be used without Mel Gibson’s permission.

Malibu’s Officer Sugar-Tits could not be reached for comment.

“Who’s Judging Who?”

In last night’s Miss USA pageant, judge Perez Hilton asked Miss California her opinion on same-sex marriage, and the contestant said she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman. She may not be the only one who feels that way, but obviously she’s the only one who didn’t know Perez Hilton is gay.

Some say Miss California’s answer doesn’t represent the majority of Californians, but neither does the fact that she speaks English.

Miss California went on to become First Runner-Up to Miss North Carolina, which is still better than one should expect. After all, what is more gay than a beauty pageant audience?

The newly crowned Miss USA will go on to compete in the Miss Universe pageant this summer, where, having dodged the gay controversy in the USA pageant, will be expected to participate in international lesbian activities.

In another controversial, and some say backwards policy of the Miss Universe pageant, only women from Earth are eligible to compete.

“Fashion Crime,” or “Prom Kink”

Two FBI agents in West Virginia have been charged with spying on teenage girls trying on prom dresses by using mall video surveillance on changing rooms. This may a “wag the dog” attempt by the federal government to make the CIA seem less sleazy.

Agent Fox Mulder has opened an internal investigation with the Triple-X-Files.

The agents hope that the girls will forgive and forget, at least in time for next year’s prom season.

It’s ironic that these young women were victimized, right before the romantic fantasy of high school prom, immediately after which they might forge foggy memories of being coerced into drunken, unprotected, first-time sex with an inept, uncaring partner.

While the public has been appalled at the taking advantage of young girls in various states of undress, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is kicking himself for not thinking of it first.

The two FBI agents involved face conspiracy and privacy invasion charges, despite sticking to their own strict code of conduct for what they would and wouldn’t view. Specifically, the “No Fat Chicks” rule.

Needless to say, this is an unfortunate blot of the reputation of the FBI. What happened to the good old, dignified days, when J. Edgar Hoover would just try on his own prom dresses?

Monday, April 6, 2009

“Frozen Assets”

At a conference addressing the 50-year old Antarctic Treaty this week, Hillary Clinton spoke up about the U.S. limiting cruise ships’ size in order to protect Antarctic ice and penguins. Bill Clinton considered Hillary an authority on the subject and vouched for her own personal coldness.

Hillary spoke about limiting the numbers of tourists who go ashore on the frozen continent, saying that if there weren’t always so many people around, maybe the penguins wouldn’t feel like they had to dress so formally.

Mrs. Clinton’s statements were praised by environmentalists, but her talk about penguins offended Antarctica’s nuns.

During the final months of the Bush Administration, Dick Cheney was also paying attention to Antarctica, but only so he could rename it “Hoth” and place imperial walkers there to destroy the rebel base.

“Affairs of State”

In Nevada, divorce papers for Governor Jim Gibbons’ were released, in which his wife alleges his infidelity with 2 other women. Many constituents consider the matter a breach of public trust. Even worse, other governors consider it a breach of the unwritten “One Mistress Rule.”

When the governor was confronted with sending 860 text messages to one woman on his state-issued cell phone, the governor apologized and reimbursed the state the $130 in text charges. At least the governor saved tax payers’ money by paying for his own booty call.

Nevada economists agree, in a state where paying for sex is legal, $130 is not bad.

Friday, April 3, 2009

“Pink Heartland” or “Rainbow Waves of Grain”

Iowa’s Supreme Court upheld a ruling today to allow same-sex marriages, making Iowa the third state to do so. This is seen as a crushing blow to the gay community, who would really rather live somewhere more metro.

In reviewing the lower court’s gay marriage decision, the Supreme Court looked at all legal aspects, top to bottom.

The only difference between gay marriage as defined in Iowa compared to other states is that, after the wedding, instead of rice you have to throw corn.

Officially, Iowa’s farm animals can now eat (finger snap) “Ha-ay.”

Iowa has not been known to have a high gay and lesbian population. Then again, in Iowa it’s hard to spot lesbians because everyone is wearing overalls.

“Bottle Rocket”

In a study by the Centers for Disease Control, 15 powdered baby formulas were found to be contaminated with perchlorate, a compound found in rocket fuel. Exposed babies were not tested because before scientists could get hold of them, they blasted off.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

“Texas Hospital-ity”

In Austin, TX, there were 9 people who accounted for nearly 2,700 emergency room visits between 2003 and 2008, totaling almost $3,000,000 in taxpayers’ money. Many agree that there was wasteful spending, but the ‘free health care for the poor’ part has been a Republican’s nightmare.

Of the 9 patients, 8 have drug abuse problems, 7 suffer from mental illness, and 3 are homeless. Surprisingly, their most common reason for a trip to the E/R: Polo injury.

Regarding the $3 million, the White House said today that the 9 people weren’t trying to be a burden on taxpayers, but rather, they were providing a stimulus to bailout the health care industry.

“On Her Majesty”

Barack and Michelle Obama met Queen Elizabeth II yesterday at Buckingham Palace. In a break with formal protocol, the First Lady hugged the queen at the end of the meeting. Some American media said the show of affection was a faux pas, but the British press, who aren’t used to such displays, called it “hot, girl-on-girl action.”

“Nose Hare”

In Milford, Connecticut, a pet shop owner discovered that one of his new dwarf bunny rabbits has two noses. Other than that, he is completely normal, if you consider dwarfism, long ears and buck teeth ‘normal.’

A zoological expert said the anomaly may have been caused by in-breeding, which sounds a little sad, but was a huge relief to cosmetics companies.

The young critter has already displayed a high level of curiosity. You might say he’s too nosy.

When the pet shop owner was asked how the bunny smells, he answered, “terrible.”

The rabbit is on a steady diet of carrots, mostly because they are supposed to be good for the eyes. Because how would a two-nosed rabbit wear glasses?

Due to his fame already, the rabbit’s future plans include reenacting the fabled race with the tortoise. Experts already predict that the rabbit could win by a nose.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

“Accepting Rejection”

The University of California, San Diego accidentally sent congratulatory acceptance letters to all 46,000 of its fall applicants, even though nearly 29,000 of them were supposed to receive letters of rejection. Luckily, all the rejected applicants are illiterate.

For would-be psych majors, this was a major “Psych!”

Due to the state of California’s money woes, rejected applicants are still invited to pay tuition.

“London Falling”

In London, police arrested over 20 people among the few thousand protesting the G-20 summit, even breaking into the Royal Bank of Scotland as part of an “Abolish money” campaign. The bank break-in allowed the anti-capitalist vandals to get away with zero pounds.

Financial workers and bankers tried to help police by giving a description of law-breakers. This wasn’t very helpful, as it turned out, since they just described them all as “poor-looking.”

On the same day that President and Mrs. Obama met the Queen of England, in Central London, the RSC was painted with graffiti, windows were smashed, equipment was looted, and police were pelted with eggs and fruit. In a related story it’s amazing how far Europeans will go to make Americans feel at home.