Friday, July 30, 2010

“Elastic Waist-Bandit”

An Oklahoma woman was arrested after robbing a McDonald's while wearing underwear on her face as a mask. The mask was taken into evidence, but the police say that something about the case smells fishy.

McDonald’s employees were still able to identify her because the underwear was crotchless.

Her defense attorney is contesting the evidence and is already preparing her briefs.


Ellen degeneres will not be back as a judge on American Idol, admitting that she didn’t think she was a good fit for the show. One sure sign she was a bad judge: Paula Abdul found her critiques to be constructive, fair, and lucid.

It is only coming out now that during the past season, things had become tense with Simon Cowell, who didn’t like having a judge on the panel who was more butch than him.

With Simon Cowell gone and Kara DioGuardi also rumored to be leaving the show, this means that Randy Jackson is the winner.

In fact to boost ratings, next season’s competition will just be b-list celebrities vying for the title of American Idol Judge.

“Another Side of Rice”

The Vampire Chronicles author Anne Rice says she has given up Christianity. Sheesh. Talk about taking the success of Twilight hard.

Rice says she wants to focus on things she finds easier to believe in. Like vampires.

Rice says she will continue to follow Christ her own way. In her version, Jesus rises from the dead, is sensual but asexual, becomes a charismatic but reluctant leader, and chronicles his travels for his followers. Oh, and he’s called Lestat.

“Matter of Degrees”

An Associated Press/Univision poll says that 87% of Latinos value a college education, and 13% hold a college degree. The 13% that don’t value college are the same exact people who graduated college but still can’t get jobs.

“Gang, Gang, the Hail’s All Here”

A 16-inches-around, 2-lb. hailstone that fell in central South Dakota is the largest on record ever collected in the U.S. Even if the hailstone had not been a record-breaker, it still be news because this is the only thing that has ever happened in central South Dakota.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

“Pros(tates) and Cons”

A new medical study headed by the director of the Cancer Institute of New Jersey says that many men are receiving prematurely invasive or overly aggressive prostate treatment. Especially in prison, from their cellmates.

Specialists now say that most men do not need regular prostate exams unless there are other risk factors or a history of cancer. There is one exception: Glenn Beck should get a prostate check daily.

“Gimme Shelter”

There has been a sharp increase in the planning and purchase of ‘doomsday shelters,’ akin to the bomb shelters of the Cold War 1950’s. The shelters are designed to protect inhabitants in the event of a nuclear threat, terrorist attack, or a Mel Gibson phone call.

The shelters can house one to several families depending on the size, and are perfect for calamities such as war, natural disaster, and the housing market.

The trick is to get your family inside before the Big One hits. And by Big One, of course, we mean Mortgage Foreclosure.

Some opponents of the shelter include academics who say they promote fear and paranoia. Others give the idea their full support, such as the makers of flashlight batteries, hand-crank radios, and canned foods.

“Black and White Cat”

In Vienna, firefighters dismantled a police car to rescue a frightened kitten who had hidden in a space inside the floor panel. The kitten now faces charges for car-jacking and impersonating an officer.

The kitten was arrested and taken to the police station, but by the time they got there, it had gotten under the floorboards again so they had to dismantle the car all over again.

Once the kitten was freed, the police took revenge by putting it up in a tree.

The police were sure there was only one cat in the vehicle, but when they put it back together, the engine purred.

“Ellen is All Talk Now”

Ellen Degeneres announced this week that she will not be returning as a judge next season on American Idol. Also not returning to American Idol: viewers.

This means that the only feminine face left on American Idol is Ryan Seacrest.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

“New 'Jersey' Stock Exchange”

On Tuesday, the cast of Jersey Shore rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. As a result, "ringing the opening bell" is now Guido slang for grabbing your crotch.

The Jersey Shore pseudo-celebs have already been accused of personifying stock characters.

“French Connection”

In the wake of the killing of a kidnapped French aid worker, France on Tuesday declared war on al-Qaida . One thing the French government already has learned in their new campaign: if you are going to wage a war, make sure you have a military first.

“Chel-sea No details, Hear No Details, Report No Details”

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding is this weekend, but all the major details have been kept secret. For privacy’s sake, guests have been asked to reveal nothing to the press. And for their eyeballs’ sake, they have been warned not to look directly at the bride.

The Clintons are asking the the media to respect Chelsea’s privacy, since this is her day. Based on her looks, Chelsea already has another day: Halloween.

Hillary only has one rule of her own for the wedding day: Bill isn’t allowed to bring another date.

Bill Clinton is overjoyed at the prospect of giving his daughter away at the wedding, but would be even more ecstatic to give away Hillary.

“Lazy Business”

Business Week ranked Louisiana number 1 in its list of the “laziest states.” Coincidentally, Lousianna ranked Business Week number 1 on its list of the magazines most oblivious to Hurricane Katrina, the Gulf oil spill, and the recession.

Responded Kanye West, “Business Week doesn’t care about black people.”

“Tiny Plankton Shrinking”

An ocean biology study says that the world’s plankton level has dropped 40% since the 1950’s. The cause, scientists say, is a combination of global warming and the plankton’s obsession with tricking Spongebob Squarepants into giving up the Krabby Patty formula.

“Mel pleads the 5th”

Mel Gibson met with police detectives Sunday, but allegedly invoked his 5th Amendment rights to not answer any questions related to fighting with his ex-girlfriend. Based on his track record, Mel lawyers are insisting that Mel keep using his 5th Amendment right to never speak to anyone, ever.

Every time something Mel said comes out, it just sounds more incriminating for him. In a new recording he says that Chris Brown is his hero.

“Oliver Twisted” or “Stone Cold”

Oliver Stone has apologized for remarks to the Sun Times of London, referring to Jewish domination of the media. Proving his point, the interview is only available in Hebrew.

Stone caused further controversy defending Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. But the public finally wouldn’t stand for it when he tried to defend his movie Alexander.

“BP boots Hayward”

BP has replaced CEO Tony Hayward with Robert Dudley, the first American head of the company. BP announced this information to the public immediately; they can’t afford any more leaks.

“French Twist”

France has declared war on al-Qaida in the wake of the killing of a kidnapped aid worker who was a French citizen. This is a much stronger stance than France has yet taken against al-Qaida, and is a big step up from just using sanctions to try to deprive them of Jerry Lewis.

France may not have the strongest military in the world, but they are the snootiest.

The French are ready to attack. First, they blind the enemy in a cloud of cigarette smoke, and then they raise their arms and kill them with body odor.

“Playing the Foal”

A baby was born between a zebra and a donkey at a Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega. Reports say the donkey father must really have been up to stripe.

The little offspring, called a zedonk, is very cute, but he does everything half-assed.

The baby has a solid-colored body but striped legs. The other animals had started to make fun of her, but then 80’s-style leg warmers came back into style in the animal world, and she became the most popular animal at the preserve.

Monday, July 26, 2010

“Tag – You’re It”

Wal-Mart stores are planning to start using electronic ID tags on merchandise to track inventory, but some privacy watchdogs are concerned about or customer tracking. A Wal-Mart spokesman reassured consumers that the ID tags are harmless. Until you turn 30 and they light up red. Then, run!

The tags carry information about the products being sold, such as size, for stocking and inventory. Of course, it doesn’t take electronic tags to see that most Wal-Mart customers sizes are XL, XXL, and XXXL.

Despite privacy concerns, Wal-Mart assures that, like their employees, the tags will have no other benefits.

“Auto Eject”

On Sunday, a 37-mile area of Germany’s famous autobahn was filled with 3 million pedestrians celebrating a cultural festival. The autobahn is one of the only places in the world where pedestrians are allowed to run over a hundred miles per hour.

The only other time of the year that traffic slows on the autobahn is when a recalled Toyota blows up or something.

“Twisted Tale”

Dee Snider, front-man of the 80’s metal band Twisted Sister, is starring in a new A & E Reality show with his family, called Growing Up Twisted. The main obstacle in the storyline of the show: trying to get people to remember Dee Snider.

If the show gets cancelled, Snider’s fans have already said, “We’re not gonna take it.”

Friday, July 23, 2010

“The Empire Strikes Back”

Security video from a Chase Bank in Long Island shows a man dressed up as Darth Vader robbing the bank at gunpoint. Obviously, somebody needed money to get to Comic-con.

The robber will be pursued by a rebel alliance against the galactic empire.

Vader's excuse was that the Empire is facing a record deficit.

The branch manager was unafraid, telling Darth, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

George Lucas and Steven Spielberg plan to digitally remove the gun from the video.

In Vader's defense, Emperor Palpatine just threatened to cut all Empire employees to minimum wage until the galactic budget is balanced.

The frightened bank teller, whose own father was killed by a bank robber, was in disbelief when Vader, just before fleeing, revealed to the teller, “No - I am your father.”

“Power Move”

A House of Representatives energy panel is seeking legislation to push for half of US cars to be electric by the year 2030. Coincidentally, that’s the same time frame as the cleanup of the oil in the Gulf.

The only ones who will be happier to see this legislation pass than the environmentalists will the DWP. Cha-ching!

To motivate Americans who are reluctant to make the change, Congress wants to make electric cars the only ones that will work with a Blu-ray player or iPod.

“North Korea Treats US to Threats”

North Korea has threatened a ‘physical response’ to the US military’s annual ‘war games’ drills that begin Sunday with ally South Korea. Poor, Jealous North Korea. If they want to play, all they have to do is ask.

Sources close to North Korea warn all US aircraft and ships that the physical response may be severe. Kim Jong Il plans to personally moon all passing vessels.


This weekend is Comic-Con, the annual San Diego convention of comic book, fantasy and gaming previews and panels, where fans get to rub elbows with A-list actors and are treated to the latest and greatest in entertainment content and technology. But they still can’t get laid.

Comic-con has become a central annual event in the movie, television, graphic novel, and video game industries. Once it’s is over, of course, the fans just take off their costumes and go blog about it from their parents’ basements.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

"GLEE-ful Response"

A federal judge ruled Wednesday that competitive cheerleading is not an official sport. Responded Glee’s cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester:

“So, judge, cheerleading’s not a sport? I’d like to take the stand, please, your honour. I, three-time National Cheerleading Championship coach and local television celebrity Sue Sylvester, swear to smack your face, your whole face, and nothing but your face, so help me Madonna.

“Now see if you can get your hairpiece around this, judge: What makes a sport is the competition. Take gymnastics. Sport, right? Does it offer equal competitive opportunity to everyone? Maybe wheelchair kids should be allowed to pole vault. None of those pole vaulters land on their feet like in real vaulting anyways, and there’s already a mattress there to catch ‘em. Now I’m a realist. Not everything competitive qualifies; some athletic ability is necessary. Chess isn’t a sport. Chess is for nerds who are too old for checkers but too poor to buy all the maps and figurines or whatever you need for Dungeons and Dragons.

“If you want to define sports, then pay attention and get your head in the game, and if it’ll fit, your fat, weak body, too. We are talking about physical activities, here. And just because lifting a forkful of pie to your mouth makes you sweat, the strain doesn’t make it a physical activity. I ought to pull that stupid black robe over your head and beat you with your own gavel ‘til you cry ‘game over.’

“Now listen up. Here’s a rule so easy even you can understand it. Anything that is ranked on scorecards is a sport. Except diving. That just bores me to tears. You want to make diving an interesting sport? Take the water out of the pool. My point is, scorecards are the key. That means these events are already being judged, and by professionals, instead of appointed posers like you. Maybe that means Dancing with the Stars belongs on ESPN. I don’t know; I don’t care. All I know is that life is a serious competition, and I’m in it to win it.

“So with all due respect, your honour, instead of putting all my Cheerios’ hard work and my expert coaching in the dock, how about you decide if it’s a sport to try to retrieve the scales of justice from out of your ass? You say cheerleading’s not a sport? I say, ‘over-ruled.’

“And that’s how Sue ‘C’s’ it.”

“Playboy Cover-Up”

Playboy launched a brand new 'safe for work' website this week. Including today's traffic, the site has already gotten 0 hits.

“French Flies”

A stewardess for Air France has been fired for stealing from sleeping passengers. Said an airline industry representative: "We cannot condemn this enough. If we ever caught any of our employees stealing from a passenger, we would immediately sell their belongings back to them."

“The Penal System.”

In Sussex, England, police have had to remove posters around the town of Lewes depicting a man’s penis with a yellow bow tied around it. Local women say they were deeply offended by the yellow bow.

Sadly, though the posters were hung, the model was not.

Police describe the mystery as a bit of a hairy pickle.

No one is sure if all the penises went up at once of if they came in spurts.

The police are certain that the guilty party will be exposed.

Officials say that before any witness comes in to try to identify the model, they had better be cock-sure.

They feel that the investigation may soon come to a head.

Though no charges have yet been filed, police are sure to enforce the penal code.

“Mel’s Write to Free Speech”

In Mel Gibson’s text messages following the now infamous break-up fight with Oksana Grigorieva, he admits he acknowledges her broken teeth, and begs to come apologize. Mel explains that this is just his new definition of script approval.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

“Mad Max’s Ex”

The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department has opened an extortion investigation against Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. If the investigation results in charges, the department will respect Mel’s wishes and just knock her front teeth out.

Mel hopes the investigation will have some angle he can blame on the Jews.

Preferring to work with someone he knows, Mel has requested the investigation be led by Deputy Sugar-t*ts.

“Whale of a Tail”

A 30-foot, 40-ton whale breached the ocean and landed on top of a 32-ft yacht before slipping back into the water off the coast of South Africa, Sunday. Though the boat was damaged, no one was hurt, and the whale has since been heard bragging that over the weekend, he drunkenly got laid.

“Friends with Unemployment Benefits”

After long delays, the Senate passed legislation Wednesday to extend jobless benefits to 2.5 million out-of-work Americans. If the bill failed, the senators main fear was that, come November, they’d be jobless.

“Palin Approval Rating”

Bristol Palin revealed that her mother Sarah disapproves of her re-engagement to Levi Johnston. At least, until she finds out if the Tea Partiers approve.

Sarah would be more apt to approve it the two had a shotgun wedding, where Sarah could be aiming from a helicopter.

“Flower Power”

In New York City, a man robbed a bank by pulling a note demanding money from the bouquet of flowers he was carrying. He dropped the flowers and ran with the money, but the teller acted fast. She immediately got those flowers in water.

He got away an undetermined sum of money, plus the teller’s tip for the flower delivery.

It was the teller’s first robbery, and because of the flowers, she also considers it a first date.

“Monkey Business”

A man trying to smuggle 18 tiny titi monkeys was detained at a Mexican airport. The police had become suspicious when they heard 18 pairs of tiny clapping cymbals.

The man had begun acting nervous when a passerby had asked, “Is that a banana in your pocket…?”

The monkeys themselves are from South America, and would have been safe from arrest as long as they didn’t go to Arizona.

The man had been traveling with the titi monkeys with only two worries: that he might get caught, or that the monkeys might start flinging their own poo.

Titi monkeys are endangered, especially if you stuff 18 of them in your shirt.

The police did a fine job, but may face sexual harassment charges for having said, “Pull up your shirt and show us your titis.”

“Pants-Suit Settlement”

The Mississippi school district that cancelled the senior prom rather than let lesbian student Constance McMillen attend with her girlfriend will pay $35,000 to settle the ACLU’s lawsuit, and adopt a non-discrimination policy. The only losers here are the straight boy-girl couples, whose prom still got cancelled but they get paid nothing.

Had McMillan been able to just attend her prom, general precedent suggests the romantic night might have begun with a lousy dinner followed by awkward dancing, and ended with getting too drunk for sex at a vacant lot after-party.

“Lindsay Behind Bars instead of Hopping to Them”

Lindsay Lohan surrendered to begin her jail sentence Tuesday, which may be cut from 90 days to a shorter duration. Lindsay will also serve in isolation, which was ordered for safety reasons. Specifically, other inmates need to be kept safe from her acting.

Officials now say Lindsay may spend only 2 weeks in jail, with a likely release of August 1st or 2nd. If it’s anything like her last few movies’ release, it will be panned by critics and mostly ignored by the public.

Monday, July 19, 2010

“Information Leak”

BP’s ruptured oil well in the Gulf has been determined to be leaking some oil from the cap placed on it last week, but not enough to be a major concern for now. This is part of BP’s new “What the hell difference does it make any more?” campaign.

BP says, if necessary, they can always pull down the cap’s earflaps.

Just in case, BP is cautiously preparing another round of unlikely solutions with names even more ridiculous than “top kill.”

“Safer Sex”

A biotech company called Gilead Sciences has developed and antiretroviral gel that seems to cut women’s risk of contracting HIV and herpes. This is seen as great news by both the science community and sluts.

The gel’s effectiveness may be dependant upon its correct application. If a woman dumps it all over her, she will cut her risk of exposure to HIV or herpes because fewer men will want to have sex with her.

The gel is applied vaginally, though some women have expressed a preference for an oral method.

The gel will require more analysis before it would become publicly available. The scientists would like to continue testing it on horny, uninfected women for many, many years.

“Gary, Unmarried”

Gary Coleman’s ex-wife, Shannon Price, is petitioning the court to recognize her as his common law wife, even though the couple divorced in 2008. Said a skeptical judge, “You can be considered his wife, as long as she is still willing to consummate the marriage.”

Price is seeking control of Coleman’s estate. Since the divorce, Price has devoted most of her time to her hobbies, watching the “Munchkins” scenes from The Wizard of Oz and digging for gold.

“Oksana Bites” or “Dental Damning Evidence”

RadarOnline posted a photograph of Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend, Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva with broken front teeth, alleged by her to have been caused by Mel punching her in the face. Her appearance with a cracked tooth and missing veneer come as no surprise to anyone who has been to Russia.

Mel has countered with the accusation that, as part of a conspiracy, Oksana went to a Jewish dentist.

In the audio tapes released over the last two weeks, Mel threatened to set fire to the house and burn it to the ground. Now, of course, he denies the very idea of any such holocaust.

“Paris is in the News in France” or “High in the Sky” or “Paris Hilton: Smoking? ‘Hot.’”

A French Newspaper reported that Paris Hilton was briefly detained in the Corsica airport after drug-sniffing dogs allegedly smelled a small amount of marijuana in her bag. Turns out her dog Tinker-bell was getting high.

Carrying a bag made officers suspicious, since Paris can fit all her belongings in her vagina.

Police suspected Paris was high because she thought she was classy and smart.

Hilton was released when it was determined that no amount of pot could cause her any harm be killing brain cells or further dulling her senses.

“Lucille’s Appeal to be Revealed”
Some of TV legend Lucille Ball’s letters and other personal items are to be sold at an upcoming auction. Most of the letters begin, “Dear Ricky, I wanna be in the shooowww…”

Lucy’s ghost is already working out a crazy scheme with Vivian Vance to somehow win all the auction items.

“Going Long”
Carl’s Jr. is testing a new footlong cheeseburger. It has 850 calories and 20 grams of saturated fat. Customers can also order it “deluxe,” which comes with a keg of gun powder and a lit fuse.

Carls’ Jr is trying to tap into a new market: buying a sandwich for someone you want to die.

“Making the Hot List”

Worldwide temperatures have made 2010 the hottest year since records began being kept in 1880. That year was so hot, Queen Victoria rolled her black collar down under her chin.

Though some are worried, the news has made very happy popsicle and ice cream venders.

"Fired Ice"

Baskin Robbins is retiring 5 classic ice cream flavors, including French Vanilla. Actually, regularVanilla will still be around, but the French surrendered.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

“Backstage Betty” or “White-Casting”

Betty White will guest star in an upcoming episode of the NBC series "Community," assuming that age or poor health don't become an issue. Let's face it; by the time the fall season begins, NBC could be dead.

“Electric, Current” ... or-volt-b/

According to GM, the battery in the new Chevy Volt will last up to eight years. But every time you go to drive it, your sister will have taken the battery for her TV remote.

“Y Not?” ... terstitial

The YMCA is shortening its name, to be officially called “The Y.” Also, the Village People will be shortening their name, to be officially called "The Gays."

“Caps Off to BP”
BP says its new cap has finally cut off the flow of oil leaking into the Gulf. Not to quick to pat themselves on the back, BP admits that it will still take a lot of work for them to come up with better ways to try to destroy the world.

BP was able to successfully choke off the flow of oil by pretending that they were holding onto the throats of all the Gulf area’s environmentalists, fishermen, and residents.

“Rehab or Rehash?”
Lindsay Lohan, who is supposed to surrender to begin her 90-day jail sentence July 20, checked into rehab Thursday. Lindsay’s move may be calculated: a lot of addicts sneak drugs into rehab, so Lindsay is looking for a score.

A lot of people think Lindsay only checked into rehab to try to get out of her jail sentence. That’s so cynical. Lindsay is way too high to realize she’s really going to jail.

“Silent Treatment”
The town council of Sullivan’s Island, South Carolina voted this week to ban yelling, singing or whistling on public streets. Sadly, all town construction will abruptly come to an end, when all construction workers who see an attractive woman go to jail.

This town council assures that the people’s voices will be heard on the matter, and then after the vote, the people speaking up will be arrested.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

“Dear Diary” or “Drawn Out Story”

In order to attract younger readers, The Diary of Anne Frank has been released as a graphic novel. But today’s teen girls’ diaries are still way more graphic.

To further interst readers and boost sales, in the graphic novel, Anne now has superpowers and (spoiler alert!) kicks the Nazis’ ass.

“Implant for Dick”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he underwent heart surgery to implant a pump assistance device last week. The device will pump taxpayer money straight to Haliburton.

News of the implant would be more significant if Cheney actually had a heart.

The device should lengthen Cheney’s life expectancy several hundred more years.

To keep the device going, Cheney only needs a continuous supply of fresh blood from living human victims.

Cheney is recovering and looking forward to resuming an active life, looming in dark shadows, manipulating Washington puppet politicians, and shooting friends in the face.

“Prior Engagement”

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston told Us Weekly that they are back together as a couple and are again engaged to be married. Bristol is thrilled at the idea of her baby daddy raising their 18 month-old son Tripp, and Levi is thrilled ‘cause he already knows Bristol puts out.

Sarah Palin apparently did not know the big news before it broke in Us Weekly, but she has to be impressed with her daughter’s priorities and values. With any big life decision, the most important thing is to go straight to the media.

The couple has yet to decide where they will honeymoon and when they’ll divorce.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

“Mel Gibson Hits”

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has launched a criminal investigation over the tape recordings of Mel Gibson screaming, cursing, threatening, and admitting to physical abuse of his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Said Gibson, “There’s an explanation for everything I said on that tape about Oksana. I think she’s a Jew.”

Gibson also said, “I may have threatened to take her life, but I can never take her freedom!”

“Wow. This is really disappointing. We used to have so much respect for Mel Gibson,” said the Ku Klux Klan.

If you are a Christian, you might despise what he said, but you have to admire Mel Gibson’s Passion.

“In Memoriam: Bye’ George”

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has died of a heart attack at the age of 80. In lieu of flowers, friends, fans, and admirers are asked to fire Billy Martin.

“BP Cap”

BP has installed a new 80-tom sealing cap to try to stop the flow of leaking oil. Even if it works, the crisis still isn’t over. Even now, BP executives are till choking on their own money.

Monday, July 12, 2010

“Well Fidel”

On Monday, Fidel Castro made his first major public TV appearance since 2006, on “Mesa Redondo,” a Cuban talk show. Though Castro ceded power to his brother Raul, his new interview was meant o prove that he is ready to compete on So You Think You Can Dance.

After the interview, Fidel’s beard gave it’s own, separate interview.

“Entertainment for Business Men”

Hugh Hefner is offering to buy the publicly traded shares of Playboy that he doesn’t already own and take the company private. Hefner is then willing to show the company’s private parts and airbrush the rest.

The Board of Directors knew Hefner’s offer would be enticing when it was delivered in a plain, brown wrapper.

At first they thought the monetary offer for the shares was too small, but then they saw that another whole page folded out.

"Eye of Newt"

Newt Gingrich told the Associated Press that he is seriously considering a run for president in 2012. Skeptics immediately questioned whether or not Americans would really be ready for a white president.

Newt Gingrich told the Associated Press that he is seriously considering a run for president in 2012. Hoping to beat him to the GOP nomination, Sarah Palin now plans to run for president in 2011.

Octopus Utilizes Suckers

The Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen says that Paul, their “psychic” octopus who predicted Spain winning soccer’s World Cup, is retiring from making sports predictions. Paul correctly chose food from jars decorated with opposing nations flags in each round. Some called it a fluke, but the aquarium confirmed that, no, he’s an octopus.

Some soccer fans were perplexed. How can a creature with 8 arms know anything about a sport where you can’t use your hands?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

"Pain in the Neck"

The U.S. Preventative Services task Force says measuring neck circumference may be a better way to quickly screen children for obesity. The hard part is for American parents to get their arms all the way around their kids’ fat necks.

Also, if you have to dodge 3 or more chins just to get to your kid’s neck, he’s fat.

"Lindsay Lock-down"

Actress Lindsay Lohan was ordered to serve 90 days in jail. Even during that time, however, Hollywood will still somehow manage to generate absolute crap.

Lindsay cried when ordered to jail, proving she can still act.

"Queens, New York"

Queen Elizabeth addressed the UN General Assembly in New York. The 84-year-old monarch stepped up to the podium and ordered a Big Mac, French fries and a cup of tea.

It was the queen’s first visit to the UN in over 50 years, and times have certainly changed. Back in 1957, when the queen entered the UN building, it was perfectly acceptable for her to have said, “What are all these Negroes doing here?”

"What a Downer"

Having depression may nearly double the risk of developing dementia later in life, new research suggests. On the plus side, it will be fun watching Morrissey go crazy.

Doctors are hoping to find a cure for Alzheimers, so these poor people can go back to their depression.

"Cool Zoo"

To fight the blazing heat, Boston's Franklin Park Zoo is feeding their cottontop tamarin monkeys insect, fruit, and vegetable-filled Popsicles, while lions are fed buckets of frozen blood, called bloodsicles. And as usual, a pair of homosexual gorillas will be licking testicles.

"Kagen Muscled"

G.O.P senators attacked Elena Kagan by comparing her with former justice Thurgood Marshall, whom they called a results-oriented justice. And if there’s one thing they hate, its results.

Wyoming opted to stop collecting sales taxes at gun shows after several state Department of Revenue employees "experienced… animosity.” They knew they were in trouble when the piano player stopped playing.

Big News...

Scientists in Australia said they had bred the world’s largest tiger prawn, which they expect to add $103 million to the industry by 2020. And by 2030, when it mutates further, Australia will be begging Godzilla to fight and kill it.

A 21-year-old Arkansas prison guard Jessie Lunderby could lose her job after posing nude for Playboy. It’s not the pictures they care about. While posing nude upside-down, she lost the keys.

Research suggests that while an unmade bed may look scruffy it is also unappealing to house dust mites thought to cause asthma and other allergies. Nationwide, mothers collectively replied, “Nice try. Make your bed.”

"Church Do's and Don'ts"

A Roman Catholic priest in Connecticut was arrested for stealing more than $1 million from his parish. The priest denies any wrongdoing, saying he just happened to find the money inside an alter boy.

"Slick escape"

The United States Coast Guard warned that Journalists who come too close to oil spill clean-up efforts could face a $40,000 fine and even one to five years in prison, where at least they will be safe from the oil.

"Independant Survey"

A new polls show that 26% of Americans are completely Clueless On Who We Declared Independence From. They just know it isn’t foreign oil.

-It’s Dick Cheney, right?

From whom did we declare independence in 1776? Well, we can ask John McCain, because he was there.

“Arts and Craps”

People have flocked to see 1,000-year-old human feces, at a British art Gallery. It’s attracting tourists like flies.

It’s hard to evaluate it as a museum piece, though. Even the most glowing reviews had to admit it looks like sh*t.

One-and-a-Half Liners...

Chelsea Clinton will be married July 31. Her father is very excited, because weddings are always a great place to pick up chicks.

Ringo Starr turned 70 this week. He celebrated by stealing a cake from Pete Best.

China sentenced a United States geologist to eight years in prison for alleged spying. Eight years in a Chinese prison. This means that, even if he somehow gets paroled, he's going to be hungry an hour later.

The United States Coast Guard warned that Journalists who come too close to oil spill clean-up efforts could face a $40,000 fine and even one to five years in prison, where at least they will be safe from the oil.

“Iran to the Barber”

Iran introduced new haircut requirements, which will legally allow only certain traditional hair and beard styles for men. Fortunately, mustaches and sideburns will still be allowed for the women.

Iran’s new policy also includes a prohibition against Western-influenced styles, such as eyebrow-plucking. Tehran wants Iranians to have one religion, one government, and evidently, one eyebrow.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"Code Blew"

A "big budget" pornographic film was shot in a London hospital when it hired out one of its wards to a film company. Now that’s what I call socialized medicine.

One plot point centered on a doctor who recommended his female patient be flushed with fluids.

The hospital was shocked to see what the performers had used as tongue depressors.

By the end of the shoot, every character had gotten their injection.

"Boy, George," or "How NOT to Get into Piuctures"
Singer George Michael was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive, but then released on bail after he crashed his car into a building. London police don’t seem to see the pattern; they suspect the building of being drunk.

Michael crashed into a photography shop. Police are waiting to see what develops.

Including Wednesday’s crash into a photography shop, Michael has had 4 crashes and 3 arrests in the last 4 years. Still, this most recent news involving the photography shop was a shocker. Who knew that there were still photography shops?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

“Search Your Engine”

Toyota said that they will be issuing a recall over faulty engines in about 270,000 vehicles. The good news is, if the engines can’t get you moving, you won’t be killed by the faulty brakes.