"Old Maid"

A British cabaret singer says she is ready to lose her virginity  – at age 70.  She’s even willing to go to the drug store and buy the condoms, since she gets a senior discount.

She wants a guy who will be gentle the first time – so she doesn’t break a hip.

Of course it’s possible that she has had sex before, only now tht she’s 70 she doesn’t remember it.

At 70 years old, she still has a nickname for her breasts.  She calls them the Allied Powers.

Her vagina is called The Great Depression.

- Because she says it needs a New Deal.

She says she knows how to set the mood for company in the bedroom.  She put doilies on the pillows. 

“Cairo Calls for Corpse Coitus”

The Egyptian parliament has introduced a law allowing men to have sex with their dead wives for up to six hours after death.  The parliament sponsor calls it "The ultimate break-up sex."

Strongly objecting to the proposed law: ghosts.

Also not thrilled with this law: horny, living women.

This new law gives a whole new, creepy meaning to the observation, "Nice body."

In a related story, coroners are reminded to always wear rubber gloves.

Unfortunately, one of the grim side effects of the new law is that marital murder-suicide cases will now often become marital murder-the sex-then suicide cases.

Egypt's bumper sticker industry has already responded with the the message "If this coffin's rockin', don't bother knockin'."

The idea is based on the ancient Egyptian love fable of a dead queen and her lover, “The legend of NecroTiti.”

“Baby Aspirin”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/foster-friess-bayer-aspirin-contraceptives-santorum-/1#.Tz2IR8U192A

Foster Friess, millionaire supporter of Rick Santorum’s super PAC, said in an MSNBC interview that women should use  Bayer aspirin as a contraceptive –by holding one between their knees.  Friess’ remark may have backfired, since taking an aspirin often cures the headaches that prevent sex.

The idea of using aspirim as birth control has caused confusion for many of Santorum’s supporters.  Some are substituting their birth control pills with2 Bayer tablets while others are trying to have sex with the pill bottle.

People having sex by themselves are then logically encouraged to use Aspercreme, and just rub it in.

The pharmacists of America want to remind people to only use aspirin as directed, between two consenting adults.

Sex itself has been said to be a medicine.  And by extension, gay sex is an alternative medicine.

“Take a Pill”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2012-02-01/Pfizer-recalls-1M-birth-control-packs-after-mixup/52912626/1

Pzizer has issued a recall of 1 million birth control pills under 3 different brand and generic names, after a factory dispensing error caused packages to contain too many pills or too few.  This story is a lead in to October’s top story: the 2012 baby boom.

A Pfizer spokesperson encourages customers to return the recalled pills, or just stop sleeping around.

On the upside, the factory mistake takes some of the burden of responsibility off of the many women who just forgot to take their pill anyway.

Women who got too many of the hormone pills have been outraged, then depressed, then apologetic, then flirty, and then aggressively amorous.

Instead of continuing to take the pills in their current package, some women are just taking the placebos.

On an interesting social note, experts estimate that the need to replace 1 million defective pills will likely prevent sex from taking place by as many as 2 drunk strangers.

Many users of the pill are planning to launch a class action lawsuit, but won’t have time to pursue it once they are trying to care for a newborn.

“Pimpin’ Dunuts”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2011-08-02-dunkin-donuts-extra-sugar-sex-sting_n.htm

A sting operation in New Jersey led to a Dunkin Donuts employee being arrested for prostitution after multiple occasions where she left with customers in their cars during her late night shifts.  Apparently, she would provide the donuts and they’d provide the crème filling.

Donuts were not what her customers were dunkin’.

At the time of her arrest, she had kind of a glazed look.

Her specialty was simply known as “the donut hole.”

One customer thought he might have caught an STD when one night, he discovered sprinkles on it.

When she was arrested, the place was crawling with cops.  Not because of the sting operation; because it was at a donut shop.

"Virgin Galactic" or "Piece of Astronaut"

NASA said this week that it is highly unlikely that any astronauts have had sex while in space.  At least, not with humans...

Now that would be one giant leap for mankind!

In fact, even with all their big rockets, they can't even prove the existence of black holes.

If nobody in space is getting laid, maybe that’s what made Neal’s Arm so Strong.

A youth pastor in Iowa who was arrested for having sex with teenage boys, which he claimed would cure them of their homosexuality. Not surprisingly, it didn’t cure him.

In jail, the pastor is going to get a taste of his own medicine. Literally.

“Heavy News”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/heartdisease/story/2011/03/Out-of-shape-Intense-exercise-sex-may-raise-heart-risk/45194406/1

A new research study warns that people who are out of shape may be at greater risk of heart attack prompted by sudden physical activy, including sex. Fortunately, fat people have a lower risk of getting laid.

The risk of heart attack for single men is less, because when they have sex, their hearts are less likely to be involved.

Married men who have sex with another woman, however, are more likely to be killed by their wives, which the wives refer to as “natural causes.”

“Text Appeal”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/sex-relationships/2010-11-10-texting-teens_N.htm

A study presented to the American Public Health Association says that teens who use text messaging excessively are more likely to engage in drinking, drug use, and sex. All while texting.

The term for such teenagers is “popular.”

Texting has become so ingrained in teen social life, and by extension, synonymous with their sexual activity, that the most common phrase among teens fighting is, “Go text yourself.”

Teens’ texting skills are predictably telling about their knowledge about sex. Their texts tend to be clumsy, sloppy, and over too quickly.

“Births of a Nation”

The National Center for Health Statistics reported today that last year’s birth rate was the highest in U.S. history. The biggest concern so far is that these babies will grow up and take jobs from our illegal aliens.

In 2007, there were 4.31 million births in America. The previous record was 4.30 million births in 1957. Thanks for pushing us over the edge, Octomom.

About 23% of the babies were born to teen mothers. This is hardly surprising when you consider that Bristol Palin made it seem so cool.

Statistics suggest that teen pregnancy rates will drop in the near future, due to the economy, birth control education programs, and mainly because teens will be too busy taking care of their babies to have more sex.