Tuesday, March 31, 2009

“Madonna, Have Mercy”

Modonna is in Malawi, going through the process to adopt a 4 year old girl named Mercy. A Malawian judge held a hearing yesterday, and will rule on the matter Friday. Whether or not Madonna can adopt the girl may depend on her willingness to adopt the judge, too.

The hearing was presumably to determine whether another young person should be raised by Madonna, and live in her house, by her rules. At which point, Guy Richie burst through the door yelling, “It’s not worth it!”

Answering to accusations that Madonna is trying to use her fame and influence to speed up the adoption, she said she is following the standard procedure. In Malawi, it is standard procedure to adopt a child to distract the media from your recent affair with A-Rod.

“Water Color Conversation”

A water treatment malfunction near Cleveland, OH caused a chemical overload, turning people’s tap water pink. The problem was soon corrected and the colored water cleared. Amazingly, no one bottled the pink tap water to market it as a calorie-free sports beverage.

There were no ill effects from drinking the colored water, based on tests by chemical expert Dr. Henry Jekyll, and confirmed later in an interview with area resident Mr. Edward Hyde.

“Octomom’s Privacy Publicly Protected”

Fifteen Kaiser Permanente hospital workers have been fired for going into “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s medical records, in violation of patient privacy laws. Hospital policy says employees have to spy out Octomom’s private life on TV and the Internet like everyone else.

Even though they lost their jobs over peeking at Suleman’s files, all 15 workers are still eligible to judge her.

It also may the first time such lengths have been taken to protect the privacy of a person who obviously doesn’t want any.

“Bad Breath”

The EPA announced yesterday that will begin taking air samples outside 62 elementary schools in 22 states. The purpose is to determine levels of pollutants are in the air, and where they might be coming from. This will overrule the longstanding, universal school ground air policy, “Whoever smell’d it, dealt it.”

If air pollution levels outside the school buildings do prove to be toxic, it gives a whole other meaning to the campaign encouraging kids to “stay in school.”

Monday, March 30, 2009


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, prompted by reporters’ questions, confirmed that the Obama administration has abandoned the term “war on terror.” Instead, the stepped-up military campaign in Afghanistan is going to be called an “Ass-Kicking Stimulus.”

“Ahead of the Pack”

Coyote attacks are up by a wide margin in several states, including Colorado, Illinois, and New York. The only ones not seemingly alarmed by the threat of the coyotes: cartoon roadrunners.

Their spokesman released a statement, saying, “Beep beep!” and then took off at high speed.

Coyotes may be more likely to attack as suburban sprawl continues to infringe on their natural habitat. One warning sign that a coyote feels threatened is when he starts to order more and more elaborate equipment from the Acme company.

“The __it Factor”

Bill O’Reilly said in a Hollywood Reporter interview that he’s boycotting Sean Penn’s films. Politics aside, it was just plain wrong when Spicolli mouthed off to Mr. Hand.

Friday, March 27, 2009


President Obama has upped the offensive against al-Qaida in Pakistan and Afghanistan today, ordering in 4,000 more troops specifically, he said, “to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat al-Qaida. This is a strong move, especially since terrorists hate alliteration.

“Technical Error”

A recent USA Today reader poll showed high school students’ most popular career choice as Information Technology. With everyone already adjusting to the changes in the way the economy works, however, students now say they’d rather be a crooked, bonus-eligible CEO.

“Taking the Teen out of Nicotine”

A new federal cigarette tax that takes effect April 1st is expected to reduce smoking, at least according to tobacco companies, because they don’t know that nicotine is addictive.

The higher prices are intended as an incentive to cut down smoking especially among teens. Because addicts would never break the law to get their fix, especially teens who have limited money resources and are already breaking the law every time they buy cigarettes.

Actually, statistics prove that higher costs do reduce teen smoking. This new tax increase may even stop it altogether, at least according to the federal government’s Department of Naiveté’.

The new tax was a natural fit for the Obama administration, who needs funding for his economic stimulus efforts, and as everyone knows, nicotine is a stimulant.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

“Going After the Gold”

A bearded man allegedly stalking 17-year-old Olympic gymnast and Dancing with the Stars contestant Shawn Johnson was arrested after scaling the CBS Studios fence trying to get on set. When Johnson heard about it, naturally, she flipped.

Police found loaded guns, duct tape, and zip ties, along with news clippings and love letters to Johnson in the man’s car. While every suspect is innocent until proven guilty in court, this guy has already won a Gold Medal in “Creepy.”

And he’s still less frightening than Steve Wozniak’s dancing.

The man had packed all his belongings and drove across the country based on a belief that Shawn had been communicating with him through the television using ESP. Everyone hopes this bizarre behavior is really a harmless hoax and that the man just turns out to be Joaquin Phoenix.


Software billionaire Charles Simonyi made his second vacation trip into space today as a passenger on board a Russian rocket bound for the International Space Station. Experts take it that the world economy is now so bad that rich people are just trying to get off the planet.

Simonyi was a software developer at Microsoft who then became the world’s first “space tourist” with his first voyage into orbit, also aboard a Russian spacecraft. Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on the iRocket.

“Happy Vulcan Birthday”

Leonard Nimoy, most famous as Mr. Spock, celebrates his birthday today, and he is turning 78. Fans who want to say the famous Vulcan catch phrase to him now have to adapt it to, “Live really long and prosper.”

Beyond his iconic Star Trek role, Nimoy has done a wide variety of other TV shows, films, radio theatre, and staged readings. At age 78, his biggest accomplishment is that he has finally lived down his late 1960’s record album of Spock poetry and folk songs.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

“Clinton on Drugs:”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Mexico City to talk to top government officials there about the war with drug cartels. She said, “Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade.” And that was just referring to her husband Bill and herself.

The Obama administration has announced a new plan to combat smuggling, including the use of federal agents, high-tech surveillance, and lining the entire U.S./Mexican border with out-of-work auto-workers.

“Restaurants Willing to Eat It”

Many national dining chains are creating cheaper meals and specials to try to drive slumping sales figures back up. For example, even cheap menu items like “Biscuits and Gravy” can now be ordered even cheaper, as just “Gravy.”

Several popular restaurant brands have launched dinner deals. Chili’s has meals under $7, including a burger, freshly bought and unwrapped from McDonald’s.

Applebee’s has dropped some entree prices to under $10, without any effort to improve the food.

Outback Steakhouse said they “decided to get back to the DNA of the brand,” meaning, of course, cheap Aussie favorites like shish koala-bob and kanga-steaks.

The restaurants are also doing more ambitious marketing, too, but don’t want to appear desperate. Maybe that’s why T.G. I. Friday’s went back to their original name after 2 weeks as Please Eat at Friday’s.

“Bertinelli’s Beach Bod”

Actress Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover of People magazine this week, clad in a bikini, after dieting on the Jenny Craig plan for 9 months and losing over 40 lbs. How did she do it? One day at a time.

In the last 3 weeks, knowing the bikini photo-shoot was coming, she trimmed down her food intake to only 1200 calories a day. After so long out of a bathing suit, that wasn’t the only thing she had to trim down.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

“Spiderman Thai’d to Rescue”

In Bangkok, Thailand today, an 8-year-old autistic boy, frightened by his first day at his new special-needs school, had climbed out a window to a 3rd story ledge, but was rescued when fireman in a Spiderman costume coaxed him back inside. Suspiciously, the only one to get any pictures of the brave rescue was New York City freelance photographer, Peter Parker.

When other students asked how Spiderman got there so quickly, the teachers’ answer was simple: he was on the Web.

While at the school, Spiderman taught the teachers one of his superhero skills: locking windows.

One hates to think how tragically this could have ended. For instance, if it had been a Disney character, that firefighter would have been sued by now.

The incident was widely reported with its happy ending, except in the Daily Bugle, where J. Jonah Jameson describes Spiderman as a “menace,” who “drives children out onto window ledges.”

When President Obama heard that the incident took place at a special needs school, he immediately compared the school to his bowling skills.

Monday, March 23, 2009

“On The 'Cat' Walk”

A fisherman at the Thames River in England spotted a catfish walking out of the river and called the Environment Agency, who confirmed and photographed the find. Charles Darwin, himself, promptly sat up in his grave and said, “Holy crap!”

It’s not that surprising that the catfish climbed out of the river, as everyone knows cats hate water.

The walking catfish has pectoral fins that allow it to walk out of water when seeking a new home, and it can also breathe air for extended periods. These catfish can be pests to indigenous species, and are a real pain to firefighters when they get stuck up in a tree.

The biggest danger to the land-bound catfish is being chased by hungry dogfish.

“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”

Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.

The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.

The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?

Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.

The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.

Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.

Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.

Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”

“P, Katy”

Singer Katy Perry revealed on her blog that during a photo shoot for a magazine, a chimpanzee who was part of the shoot “peed all over her.” The chimp then used sign language to say, “I pissed a girl and I liked it.”

Katy has since cancelled a scheduled photo shoot with R. Kelly and Andy Dick.

“Ash Monday”

Since late last night, Alaska’s Mount Redoubt has erupted in volcanic ash and steam five times, the first such eruptions in almost 20 years. Governor Sarah Palin told everyone not to panic about the volcano, as she plans to hunt and shoot it.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Boob Jobs

In Rhode Island, where unemployment has hit 10.3%, strip club owners plan a job fair tomorrow to hire about 30 new people for 3 clubs. They are looking for ambitious, hard-working people, the type that are willing to bend over backwards to satisfy customers.

It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.

This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.

Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.

Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.

The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.

One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.

An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.

“Deep Blue C-3PO”

British scientists have developed robotic fish to detect and transmit pollution data from rivers, lakes and seas. The budget for each fish is about $29,000 most of which is used to build robotic bait to catch them.

The reason the team made the robotic apparatus into fish is obvious. If they made the robots shaped like people, they’d have to spend extra money teaching them to swim.

The other advantage of making the robots fish-shaped is that, if they turn against us and try to terminate humanity, all we need to defeat them is a fishing pole and a grill.

Each robot is carp-shaped and nearly 5 feet long. Of course, by the time the scientists tell the fish story to their friends, they’re saying it’s over 6 feet long.

The fish are equipped with sensors to detect pollution, such as leaks from vessels, chemicals from pipelines, or dolphins tossing cigarette butts.

This technological development may have wider implications. For example, electronic singing novelty fish like Billy the Sea Bass may soon be obsolete.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

“Ripped from Today’s Headlines”

New Jersey’s state cosmetology board may ban “Brazilian” waxes, after reports of injuries and infections have raised concerns about the safety of the hair removal procedure. If it comes down to a vote, it might be a close shave.

Measures to pass such a ban are expected to go smoothly, at first, but could get a little bumpy within a few days.

Customers who insist on getting it done may have to go out of state to do so, which could add a whole new layer to state line inspections.

For many Jersey salons and spas, this could cost them a lot of business, creating a really hairy situation for all.

A spokesperson who gets regular Brazilian waxing done made the following statement: “OOwww!!”

Most people feel that there are more important issues facing the State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling, mainly New Jersey's persistant mullet problem.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

“It Takes a Village, People”

The State Department reported today that the United States has decided to cosign a U.N. declaration to decriminalize homosexuality. This is part of a proactive plan to improve our nation’s prisons, which are often accused of creating hardened criminals.

Intended to target human rights abuses and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, the declaration is part of a pink triangulated effort.

Ironically, at a time when diversity is being almost universally applauded, the U.N. itself is now being targeted as being too homogenous.

Sixty-six other nations have also joined in on the declaration, but rather than a written signature, all the countries’ representatives will kiss each other on the mouth.

The U.N. thought about celebrating with a Human Rights parade, but it was decided that that would be too gay.

Congress was not said to be involved in the agreement to sign the declaration, and there was no bipartisan committee to even look at it. But here were those who were bi-curious.

“Births of a Nation”

The National Center for Health Statistics reported today that last year’s birth rate was the highest in U.S. history. The biggest concern so far is that these babies will grow up and take jobs from our illegal aliens.

In 2007, there were 4.31 million births in America. The previous record was 4.30 million births in 1957. Thanks for pushing us over the edge, Octomom.

About 23% of the babies were born to teen mothers. This is hardly surprising when you consider that Bristol Palin made it seem so cool.

Statistics suggest that teen pregnancy rates will drop in the near future, due to the economy, birth control education programs, and mainly because teens will be too busy taking care of their babies to have more sex.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Green Day

The White House dyed the water green in the North and South lawn fountains today for St. Patrick’s Day. Just another example of the government wasting the taxpayers’ green.

Actually, there was no dye in it. The water was just from a river where corporations have been regulating their own factory waste since the start of the Bush administration.

In keeping with Irish tradition, today is the day that all the Leprechauns come out to celebrate, and if they see their shadow, we have six more weeks of hangovers.

Actually, I don’t know much about St. Patrick’s Day, and my knowledge of its traditions is about as authentically Irish as a Shamrock Shake.

Monday, March 16, 2009

“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”

In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.

Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.

Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.

Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.

More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.

Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.

Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.

Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.

No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.


Some Republican governors are rejecting their share of $7 billion for unemployment benefits. But they know how bad job losses are right now. Their thinking is, if there are no new jobs created, that’s that many fewer jobs that people can lose.


The White House has announced that President Obama will make an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Thursday. There was no intention to snub David Letterman, but Leno is still buying brand new American-made cars every day.

In fact, he’s the only one buying any.

Jay better watch it, though. If any of his jokes bomb, Secret Service will take him out.

Many people think that Obama may feel the need to step it up since a new NBC series introduced the idea of the U.S. having a king.

This is the first time a sitting U.S. president will be getting couch-time on a late night talk show. Not that The Tonight Show hasn’t tried before. They always thought a "Jay Walking" segment asking President Bush common knowledge questions would have been hilarious.

In a related story, it could be said that for eight years, Letterman could have shown clips of Bush for any “Stupid Human Tricks” segment.

Friday, March 13, 2009

“Interest in Principle”

South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford, a Republican, announced this week that he may turn down part of the stimulus money headed to his state on principle. South Carolina citizens are right behind their governor to say, “Hey, if he doesn’t want the money, we’ll take it!”

Sanford says the money isn’t the issue, and he may be right, especially since all the publicity he is getting is free.

“Hogan’s Smear-o’s”

Hulk Hogan got into a verbal altercation with his wife’s divorce lawyer outside a Florida court yesterday. When Hogan tried to interject a comment to TV cameras, the lawyer said of Hogan, “You’re an actor. You’re acting now,” marking the first time anyone ever considered Hogan an actor.

The lawyer tried to provoke Hogan, asking Hulk if he was going to wrestle him. Not that there could be a fair match-up between the Hulkster and a divorce attorney. One man pounds, chokes, and squeezes other men for a living, and the other is Hulk Hogan.

The lawyer even did all of this after asking Hulk Hogan for an autograph for his son last week. The lawyer had him personalize it, too, asking Hulk to write, “To the highest eBay bidder.”

“Agri-Vation” or “Don’t have a Cow”

Agriculture officials called Texas’ drought a billion-dollar disaster today, in reference to losses to cattle raisers. It’s only going to get worse now, as they are going to be sued by Detroit automakers claiming that “Billion-dollar Disaster” is their new slogan.

The lack of crops means less feed for cattle, which translated to lower sale weights for beef cattle. Yet somehow, American people keep getting fatter.

Simply put, there is less meat from each cow sold. On the plus side, in this economy, who can afford steak anyway?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

“Life Intimidates Art”

An animated family movie called Monsters Vs. Aliens is set to open later this month. In it, a group of monsters have to save the world from aliens, so it’s already prompting protests of discrimination from illegal aliens.

“Identified Flying Objects”

The International Space Station crew had to evacuate into the Russian space capsule Soyuz today over fears of collision with a piece of debris from a 1993 U.S rocket launched,moving towards them at 22,000 miles per hour. In a related story, today, NASA was ticketed for littering.

The piece of debris was only 5 inches long, but at orbiting speed, that enough to penetrate the station’s shielding. This means that in the future, instead of laser weapons, all our space adventurers are going to need are beer cans.

Coors Light: the “Silver Bullet,” indeed.

Star Trek could be re-written. Instead of the Klingons firing disruptor rays at the Enterprise, they could terrorize them by throwing shoes like an Iraqi journalist.

“What You Talking About? Willis.”

The tallest building in America at 110 stories, the Sears Tower in Chicago is about to be renamed. In keeping with the times, the skyscraper will have a new sign in front. One that says, “Foreclosed.”

The real new name will be “Willis Tower,” named for Willis Group Holdings, a London-based insurance broker now leasing. Not yet a well recognized international brand, they decided to use the Willis name after rejecting suggestions such as “Insurance Broker Zone” and “The Chicago Party Station.”

Monday, March 9, 2009

Happy Purim!

"Chasing Amy"

Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.

Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.

Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Lightin' Up... or Down

A new report form the American Psychosomatic Society says that people exposed to secondhand smoke may be twice as likely to suffer from depression. Like coughing and choking was supposed to cheer them up?

This same report implies that people consider exposure to carcinogens to be a bummer. I’m guessing the report is not based on an isolated study, but is more likely data collected from what we call “common sense.”

Another new study revealed that secondhand tobacco smoke could also increase the risk of memory problems and dementia in people over 50. For people under 50, if they want to lose some memories and get a little demented, they should stick with smoking pot.

Domestics Disturbed

Reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna were back together after she was allegedly assaulted by him February 8th have resulted in a house-wife backlash against her for “putting up with” violence in the relationship. Sure, everyone wants to bash Rihanna, now that Chris made it trendy.

It may be unfair to judge, and fans may feel better after hearing a spokeman for Rihanna say of her that she is “a strong, courageous woman… who’s just biding her time for revenge.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

“Formulaic Story”

Today is square root day, meaning the month times date equals the year, 3/3/09. This is an event that occurs just 9 times a century and was celebrated by math fans everywhere, as soon as they freed themselves from the lockers they’d been stuffed in by jocks.

If you don’t know what a square is, it’s the nerd who that thought up this holiday.

“I Write the Graffiti That Makes the Whole World Sing”

In New Zealand, a large outdoor shopping mall plans to pipe in Barry Manilow music to try to combat problems with teen littering, spray-painting, and other acts of vandalism. It might work, but on the other hand, hasn’t there already been enough pain and suffering?

Obviously, the juvenile delinquents vandalizing the mall must be dealt with. But does everyone else have to suffer?

The plan could really change the atmosphere of the entire mall. If young people become Manilow fans by hearing his music, this mall could become the hottest spot north of Havana.

I think Barry should be appreciated in New Zealand, the beautiful land now synonymous with Middle Earth. In fact, no one reminds me of a Hobbit more than Barry Manilow.

‘Thin at the Mint” or “Short on the Bread”

In the Seattle area, a local troop of girls was paid with 5 counterfeit $20 bills for Girl Scout Cookies. Some stories just make you shake your head. I mean, imagine the nerve of these girls to charge so much for cookies.

Three suspects have been caught and are being charged for passing counterfeit money. The thieves’ lawyers argue that in this economy, real U.S. currency is virtually worthless, anyway.

On the upside, these Girl Scouts have earned their Crime Victim badge.

Monday, March 2, 2009

“Planted Information and Its Roots”

A new study says that children were twice as likely to eat vegetables with cooler names. Four-year-olds ate twice as many carrots presented as "X-Ray Vision Carrots," and peas referred to as "Power Peas." Now that the study has been released, however, those foods will have to compete with "Captain Candy" and "Super Soda."

Scientists say the name changes raise a child’s enthusiasm and expectations for the food. This study was just presented to Washington, D.C.’s School Nutrition Association, but matches previous research by Marvel Moms and Dyno-Dads around the country.

Still a failure: Leprous Lima Beans.

The Department of Education is excited about this approach, figuring if American public schools can push vitamins A, B, C, and D, maybe they can actually teach those letters, too.

School lunch programs expect to see great benefits from this strategy, until, of course, kids sue and put them out of business for deceptive advertising and breach of promise.

“Cat’s High” or “Just Say Meow To Drugs”

An Omaha man was arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty when he put his cat in a box-like homemade bong. The cat did not appear to be harmed, and has since been spending time writing music, laughing at nothing, and snacking on mice like there’s no tomorrow.

There is also a fear that the cat could move on to harder drugs. In fact, he has already been spotted on the streets, trying to buy catnip.

The Humane Society noted that the cat bit on a ball of yarn for hours, later diagnosing it with a bad case of cottonmouth.

AP Photos showed the bong itself to be a foot-long, duct-taped plastic box with a piece of garden hose attached. The public at large has been outraged, saying, “That’s the worst bong I’ve ever seen! Is there no head-shop in Nebraska? Don’t you at least have the Internet?”