Friday, August 5, 2011

“Half a Hitch”

Half of a previously lost film made in 1923 by the Master of Suspense, Alfred Hitchcock was discovered this week in a New Zealand film vault.  Now that 88 years of suspense have past, the other half of the film is in---

The footage was recovered in secret by a Mr. McGuffin.

The film, titled The White Shadow, is known to be authentic because Hitchcock makes half a cameo appearance.

“ABC Twist”

ABC has announced that "Desperate Housewives" will end after this coming season.  Then next year, the cast will become known as "Desperate Actors."

“Rosanne for President” or “Rosanne’s Nuts”

On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Rosanne Barr announced that she seriously plans to run for President in 2012.   She also said she didn’t need a running mate, which makes sense since she could easily fill both chairs.

Rosanne would likely have great domestic policy ideas, since she has experience as a “domestic goddess.”

Her ex-husband Tom Arnold might vote for her, since she was the last person to get him employment.

Experts say that if Rosanne were to be elected, she would likely serve two terms, but the last year of her second term would all turn out to be a dream.

“Bye bye, Cha Cha”

Annette Charles, the actress who played Cha Cha Degregorio in the movie Grease has died at the age of 63.  In heaven, she will finally get a hickey from Kenicke.

Ms. Charles will be remembered as the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s… with the worst reputation.

(Aa childhood fan of Grease, and with sympathy and respect, may you rest in peace, Cha Cha.)

“Doing the Robot”

Japanese scientists announced they have produced a robot that can think on its own.  The robot's first independent thought: it doesn't want to have sex with Japanese men.

“Dow Drop”

On Thursday, the Dow Jones index dropped 5413 points in one day, the biggest drop since 2008.  The sudden decline reminded some of the Crash of 1929, but just reminded most people that the 2008 recession was supposed to be over.

“What’s the Big Ikea?”

In China, where knock-off Apple stores were recently revealed, a fake Ikea store has now been discovered.  Customers began to realize that the store wasn’t an authentic Ikea when they got home their new furniture didn’t immediately fall apart.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

“Elements of Surprise”

A man from Sweden was arrested at his apartment after trying to split atoms of radioactive elements in his kitchen.  His excuse was, “This is what happens when you watch the Food Network without Swedish subtitles.”

Perhaps not coincidentally, the Iranian government has just offered him an all-expense-paid vacation to their country.

Making him look even more guilty, while in jail, he was visited by members of his nuclear family.

He had radium, americium, and uranium, had been trying to set up a reactor for months, and had even created a small meltdown on his stove.  All he needed to become a super-villain was to give up his apartment in favor of an underground lair.

“Happy Birthday, Mr. President”

President Obama turned 50 on Thursday.  He wanted to have one big party for friends relatives, colleagues, and diplomats, but his plans were thwarted by the 2-party system.

Obama had said in an interview that all he wanted for his birthday was the debt-ceiling deal.  But with the deal he got, he’s now hoping to re-gift it.

The president was aware of the bittersweet nature of the milestone.  He’s now more than halfway past both his life expectancy and the end of his only expected term.

“Let’s Talk Turkey”

The USDA has recalled 36 million lbs. of ground turkey due to a salmonella outbreak.  The meat has been connected to illness in 76 people, and obviously, the death of over a million turkeys.

Officials say properly cooked meat, to an internal temperature of 165 degrees, would be safe to eat, even if contaminated, but a lot of people are quitting cold turkey.

Experts say it’s still healthier than eating at any Taco Bell.

“Bomb’s Away”

Near Sydney, Australia, police were able to free the teen daughter of a technology executive from a sophisticated bomb device that had been strapped to her by a masked man in what may have been an extortion plot.  The bomb was so elaborate that police are automatically seeking MacGyver for questioning.

“Hacked Off”

Paul McCartney's ex-wife, Heather Mills, accused a reporter of hacking her voicemail.  She may try to take the case to court, but she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"A Dog's Life"

A police dog in Sweden has been trained to track and identify criminals by the scent of their sperm.  The dog became understandably confused, however, when it accidentally got close to Snooki's mouth.

“Black and Brown Spider”

In a new Spiderman title from Marvel Comics, the new Spiderman is black and Hispanic.  And you thought Spidey was hassled by the cops before!

Spiderman’s new arch-enemy?  K.K.Kraven.

Any villains fighting Spiderman can now also be charged with committing a hate crime.

This also means he has to swing on webs through New York City.  Because he can’t get a cab.

“Shark Tank”

This week is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.  Sharks themselves, however, actually prefer channels that have programs about humans.  Or as they call it, the Food Network.

“Strip Sale”

Due to the drop in tourist traffic since the recession, Las Vegas strip clubs are offering discounts and special offers to entice patrons.  For example, the strippers breasts are now two-for-the-price-of-one.

All apparel is already half off!

The dancers start off quoting a high price for a lap dance, but some of them are willing to go down.

“Getting Defensive”

Analysts say the debt reduction bill could cut $900 billion from the Defense budget over the next 10 years.  Said the Pentagon:  “That’s okay.  We’ll just have to make do without that 1 toilet seat.”

“Pimpin’ Dunuts”

A sting operation in New Jersey led to a Dunkin Donuts employee being arrested for prostitution after multiple occasions where she left with customers in their cars during her late night shifts.  Apparently, she would provide the donuts and they’d provide the crème filling.

Donuts were not what her customers were dunkin’.

At the time of her arrest, she had kind of a glazed look.

Her specialty was simply known as “the donut hole.”

One customer thought he might have caught an STD when one night, he discovered sprinkles on it.

When she was arrested, the place was crawling with cops.  Not because of the sting operation; because it was at a donut shop.