Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Blog-Day! 500 Joke Anniversary

Former James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan may face battery charges for allegedly hitting a photographer at a mall in Malibu. The evidence is already stacking against Brosnan. Following the incident, the photographer was visibly shaken… not stirred.

"500 JOKES AND COUNTING"



Scientists studying fear, its causes and responses are making progress in understanding how fear is triggered in the brain. They maintain that some fear is healthy and necessary as a survival tool. In a related story… Boo!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders. A spokesman for the afflicted said, in a prepared statement, “I can’t take it anymore. There’s no way out. We’re doomed! DOOMED!”



Ohio’s Ashland University had a team of analysts testing for lead in children’s products, resulting in the recall of a set of Halloween novelty teeth. It’s weird when the toy monster teeth turn out to be scarier than any actual monsters, isn’t it?

The orange, crooked teeth, called “Ugly Teeth” were pulled from store shelves just today. One store employee, fearing the effects of lead, tried to remove a set from a customer’s mouth. Fortunately, the man wasn’t wearing the fake ugly teeth, he was just British.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.

The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.



Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.



A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?

The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.

"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.

We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

President Bush visited California’s wild-fire ravaged land today, visiting with many people who lost their homes. Vice President Cheney was not there, but has been very emotional over the fires, as they have made him homesick for the brimstone he remembers from the pits of hell.

Bush was escorted by Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar. Bush was glad to see the efforts California is already making to help the displaced and injured. He was also relieved to see Schwarzeneggar was okay after his apparent death at the end of Terminator 3.

The president was asked to compare the federal response to the fires to that of Hurricane Katrina. Bush declined to make a comparison, which shows he’s not as dumb as everybody thinks he is.



James Watson, the DNA scientist and Nobel prize winner whose inflammatory remarks about black people’s intelligence got him suspended from his New York laboratory, has retired from his post effective immediately. Asked if he thought his comments were wrong, he admitted, “Yes. What I said was so stupid, I must be black.”



Al-Qaida is angry at the Al-Jazeera television network, over excerpts of an Osama bin Laden audio tape aired by the network. You can hardly blame them. The quality of that tape was awful.

The terrorist organization is angry over excerpts aired which appear to criticize mistakes made among iraq’s insurgency. We do not yet know if Al-Qaida is suicide-bomb-them-off-the-face-of-the-earth angry, or just mortar-shell-them angry.

Meanwhile, Bin Laden’s tape, as always, shot to the number one spot on both the Genocidal Maniac and Murderous Sociopath music charts.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dylan

Happy Birthday!

Write your own jokes today.

Today is my wedding anniversary, so I am taking the day off. (That's right, ladies. Sorry, but I'm taken.)

Monday, October 22, 2007

Kid Rock got into a fight at a Waffle House this morning. A verbal confrontation between Rock and another customer became physical in the parking lot, where a restaurant window was smashed, police were called, and both men were arrested by the end of the incident. Or as Kid Rock calls it, “Monday.”

The scuffle had nothing to do with Rock personally, nor his music or celebrity. But it was time for a fight at the Waffle House, and it was his turn.

On the upside, isn’t it nice to know that Kid Rock’s money hasn’t changed him?

Actually, I’m a little surprised Kid Rock goes to Waffle House. You can’t buy a 40 oz. there.



The Colorado Rockies suspended ticket sales to the World Series earlier today, after online sales crashed their computer system. Computer experts outside Colorado saw this coming. They all agree Rockies in the World Series simply does not compute.

Within 2 hours of the tickets going on sale exclusively online, fans couldn’t get onto the website. No one knows the cause of the crash. In a related story, sounds of suspicious snickering have been reported to be coming from computer nerds at MIT in Boston.



In China, a 106-year-old man just got married to an 81-year-old woman. There wedding vows went, “To have and to hold, from this day forward, ‘til…Tuesday.”

The happy couple will be spending their Honeymoon at Viagra Falls.




Did David Cop-A-Feel?

David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI over allegations that he forced himself on a woman in Las Vegas.

A lot of questions have come up, like did David touch the woman inappropriately, or was it just a sleight of hand?

No evidence has been released by thre FBI, but Copperfield is alleged to have done it with smoke and mirrors.

Perhaps, if there was intimate contact between the two, it was consentual, or what is known among magicians as “hocus pokus.”

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The entire principal cast of J.J. Abrams upcoming Star Trek movie has been announced, filling thousands of nerdy 20-and-30something Star Trek fans with a wave of euphoria as powerful as their first sexual experience. Which they haven’t had yet.



President Bush caused a stir today when he told reporters that if Iran had nuclear weapons, he bluntly stated that it could lead to World War III. Both his supporters and his critics had to admit they were impressed, however, that he got the number right.



The president defended last week’s health-care bill veto, saying it was too big a step towards government-run health care. Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said, “It is… disingenuous for President Bush to lecture Congress.” Bush then tried to veto the use of big words.



Kansas senator and Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback is dropping out of the race, according to a source close to his campaign. This news was most shocking to his family and the 3 other people who had heard of him.



Britney Spears has had even her visitation rights with her two sons suspended, due to non-compliance with a court order not specified in the Superior Court ruling. Music industry experts speculate that the court order had something to do with singing lessons and losing ten pounds.

Adding insult to injury, her two toddlers think Mommy’s new album is crap.

Monday, October 15, 2007

In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.

She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…

The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.

Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.



Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.



The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.

The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.



Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.

The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.

Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.

Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.



Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”

So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”

The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.



David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.

It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.



Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.



Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.

Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.

Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.

Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.



Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Comb the Desert:

At the Hair Restoration Convention in Las Vegas, doctors have been discussing developing technologies and methods to replace hair. No wonder Donald Trump is moving in on Las Vegas.

The implications of this are far-reaching. Think of it: Ron Howard could stop wearing baseball caps. Steven Van Zandt could retire his head scarves!

This may even mean that there will soon be a cure for the Mohawk.



Democrats in Congress are getting ready to unveil a bill that would require records of all government electronic surveillance conducted without a court order. If they’ve discussed any of it over the phone, though, President Bush already knows all about it.

Critics of Bush’s wiretapping are quick to forget the Clinton White House. That guy tapped everything.



Researchers report that a migraine pill called Topomax has been useful to alcoholics trying to quit drinking. In a study, heavy drinkers using the pill had greater success if they tried to quit. If they just took the pill and didn’t try to quit drinking, at least they were cured of their hangover headaches.

Some participants dropped out of the study because of strong side effects such as drowsiness and dizziness. My question is how could they tell?

For those that stayed in the study, side effects included not passing out, un-slurred speech and single-vision.

On the downside, among those given placebo pills, 50% are now addicted to them.



A lesbian couple who married in 2004 in Massachusetts, but lives in Rhode island, are having trouble trying to divorce. They aren’t Mass. Residents, so they can’t file there, and R.I. has no laws recognizing or outlawing same-sex marriages. What happened to the old days, when lesbian love lasted forever?

Some say that it doesn’t matter; that it isn’t a real marriage. And others argue that Rhode Island isn’t a real state.

The women are taking their case to the R.I. State Supreme Court, but the court says it is not their place to legislate on gay marriage. Their job is to enforce laws and uphold the penal system.

Even if they can’t get a legal divorce, they could just divide up their property, and agree that they each get to keep their own, original mullet.

For those unfamiliar with Rhode Island, it is our nations smallest state, boasts a large seafood industry, and thus is a haven for anyone who loves clams.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Today is Columbus Day, which always draws attention to the famed sailor/explorer, and still churns up controversy. I hear the latest is that there is no evidence that he came to America legally.

Speaking of Columbus, protesters showed up and blocked the route of a city parade to honor the historic figure in Denver, CO. This forced the parade participants to sail all the way around the southern tip of Africa to get to Asia.

Columbus has become a figure of much dispute, from Native Americans who argue that he can’t be credited with “discovering” a land with indigenous people and culture. Even more than that, he is despised by the Flat Earth Society.



Over the weekend Pamela Anderson got married to Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon, who infamously made a sex tape with Hilton, allegedly without her permission. Asked why she married Saloman, Pamela said that after Kid Rock, he was her only way to sink lower.

Anderson’s own sex video with ex-husband Tommy Lee was also widely publicized, and these two getting married is pretty much the amateur porn equivelant of Alien vs. Predator: there’s nothing interesting about the story, and no one to root for, but people still want to see the two of them go at it.




Martha Stewart dedicated an outpatient clinic for the elderly today in a ribbon-cutting ceremony in New York. The $5 million facility can only provide care for 2 to 4 people, but will do so in amazing style with vibrant surroundings.

When outpatients no longer need the care of the facility, Martha will set them up with jobs in a textile sweatshop.



Lindsay Lohan checked out of a drug and alcohol treatment program today. Lohan seemed optimistic upon leaving the Utah rehab facility, and is already looking forward to going straight back to doing drugs and alcohol.

For her misdemeanor drunk driving and cocaine charge in August, Lohan must perform community service. So, as a service to the community, she won’t be in any movies for a while.

Although, I personally would like to see her in a pre-rehab reality show called Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Wal-Mart will have to pay another $62 million in damages to workers whose pay had been withheld, on top of a $78.5 million judgment for an employee class-action suit. However, since it’s a Wal-Mart suit, it will likely fall apart the first time it’s worn.

The individual employees will get anywhere from around $50 up to a few thousand, depending on their hours, and wage rate. For most, this will enable them to, for the first time, shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart.

The judge ruled that employees working through their breaks had to be compensated, even though Wal-Mart says they worked voluntarily. Who’s going to believe that? In America, most people don’t even work when they’re working.

A spokesperson for Wal-Mart says that the company discourages employees from working on breaks, and disciplines managers who allow it. The spokesperson issued the statement from her office, where she was shackled and chained to a wall.

Wal-Mart isn’t worried, though. They will make up the lost profits by staying committed to offering inferior products to their customers, every day.



U.S. Capitol Police reported 4 suspicious fires occurring in 4 different Senate office buildings. There were no injuries, but since it occurred in Senate offices, the most obvious explanation so far is, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

Monday, October 1, 2007

In the city of Fond Du Lac, WI, an unknown person has been stealing all the toilet paper from all the men’s restrooms in the City County Government Center. Who says you can’t fight city hall?

Courthouse officials are on the lookout for anyone who seems to be going out on a roll.

The only suspect so far is a government employee whose legal papers are all quilted.

The city thinks it is just as matter of time before the thief is flushed out.

Everyone at the government center has been affected. In court, lawyers are working harder to hold their objections.

There’s sort of a supply-and-demand principle at work here, now, too, and it’s affecting people’s sympathy and compassion. If someone giving testimony gets weepy-eyed, now no one offers them a tissue.

In no coincidence, the city is also going through double the normal supply of loose leaf and steno paper.



Sadly, Britney Spears has lost custody of her 2 children, ages 1 and 2, at least until further court order. Britney blames herself, because after her appearance at MTV’s VMA’s last month, she said she wished to lose 40 lbs.

Her ex-husband Kevin Federline was awarded custody of the 2 boys following an unspecified oral motion made by his attorneys. “Unspecified oral motion” also sounds like a music critic trying to describe his last rap album without hurting his feelings.

I just feel bad for the boys… because their dad is Kevin Federline.



A British art gallery closed a photo exhibit owned by Sir Elton John, at his request, after controversy over a picture of two nude young girls, which was removed from the exhibit. Controversy or no, everyone is just glad the nude pictures were not of Elton John.



Beyonce Knowles has cancelled her planned concert in Malaysia, where laws require female performers to be completely covered from the shoulders to the knees. In a related story, all of Malaysia’s teenage boys are preparing a revolution.