Monday, April 30, 2012

Saddle Up

A man claiming that a 4-hour-ride on his BMW motorcycle caused him to get an erection that hasn’t gone away for 20 months in now suing BMW for damages.   Though really, his wife is the one who just can’t take it anymore.

He’s suing for unspecified damages.  In fact, only his wife really feels the damage..

Apparently, since the 4-hour-ride, the man has been unable to shift into a lower gear.

Court documents say the speedometer showed that the man was accelerating fast, and then he tried to bury the needle.

The man is already inching toward a settlement.

His attorney says this case already has a long-standing precedent.

I don’t know how good his lawyer is.  They say he had trouble passing the bar.

If BMW loses, they may have to pay a stiff fine.

Some legal experts have said the evidence in the case is arousing… suspicion.

His condition does give him some advantages in court.  For example, when the judge enters, and the bailiff says “All rise,” he won’t even have to move.

Being in a continuous erect state, if the man goes to court, he does not intend to let his opponent get off too easily.

Friday, April 27, 2012

“News Man Makes News by Liking Dudes”

CNN anchor Don Lemon has revealed that he’s gay in a new memoir, titled Transparent.  Competitor Fox News immediately released a news report warning their viewers that CNN turns people gay.

In a related story, Anderson Cooper spent the day hiding in a CNN closet.

“Could Using your Cell Get You Put in a Cell?”

The U.S Secretary of Transportation called for a hearing on distracted driving Thursday, and wants a federal ban on cell phone use while driving.  There were more details about this story, but I couldn’t read them at the time I saw it because the light turned green and cars behind me started honking.

Most people will admit that driving really does distract them while they are trying to text.

“Cairo Calls for Corpse Coitus”

The Egyptian parliament has introduced a law allowing men to have sex with their dead wives for up to six hours after death.  The parliament sponsor calls it "The ultimate break-up sex."

Strongly objecting to the proposed law: ghosts.

Also not thrilled with this law: horny, living women.

This new law gives a whole new, creepy meaning to the observation, "Nice body."

In a related story, coroners are reminded to always wear rubber gloves.

Unfortunately, one of the grim side effects of the new law is that marital murder-suicide cases will now often become marital murder-the sex-then suicide cases.

Egypt's bumper sticker industry has already responded with the the message "If this coffin's rockin', don't bother knockin'."

The idea is based on the ancient Egyptian love fable of a dead queen and her lover, “The legend of NecroTiti.”

Thursday, April 26, 2012

“Pee Stands for Park”

According to a research study at Rhode Island Hospital, drivers who have to urinate really bad are impaired as much as if they had a blood alcohol level of .05.  Another good reason not to drink and drive.

Awareness of the problem is key, but so far it's an upstream battle.

"Flood of Offers"

Russell Crowe has signed on to play Noah in Darren Aronofsky’s retelling of the biblical story of The Flood.  Tentative working title is Captain and Commander: the Prequel.

Russell says he looks forward to working with Aronofsky, but if any of the animals give him any trouble, he’ll punch them two by two.

There was already one moment of tension, when discussing the part he’d be playing in the movie, Russell thought he was God.

"Tour de Force Majeure"

Sinead O’Conner has cancelled all of her touring dates for the rest of 2012, citing issues with bipolar disorder.  Sinead was very sad to break the news.  Then  happy.  Then sad again.

Sinead hopes to reschedule the tour dates at a later time, and then cancel them again.

O’Conner’s doctor had advised her not to set up a tour in the first place.  Based on that alone critics understand that her doctor knows a lot about music.

"Seacrest In"

Ryan Seacrest will be staying on as the host of American Idol.  Some had expected his contract negotioations to be long and drawn out.  However, just like the man himself, they were much shorter in real life.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

“Secret Serviced”

Since the Secret Service prostitution scandal in Columbia broke, 3 officers of the 11 actively investigated have been dismissed  It seems some of those agents got tired of the earpiece, and decided to get a different piece.

At least with their Kevlar vests, we know they had protection.

Ironically, when they worked for Bill Clinton, they were willing to take a bullet.

“Undie-cover Operation”

Police caught a New Jersey man who had been going into apartment building laundry rooms to steal ladies underwear.  Details are sparse, as all the pieces of evidence in the case are unmentionables.

The man was dubbed the "Panty Bandit" by the press.  Which means Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is going to have to get a new vanity license plate.

Once the man was physically restrained, he really got his panties in a bind.
If the man goes to jail, he’ll finally see what it’s like to live with no frills.

After officers stormed the suspect’s home, one was quoted as saying, “Wow, that was my first panty raid since college.”

“Tom’s Strum”

The LAPD has recovered 5 guitars stolen from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and arrested a suspect in the case.  The man will be charged with Petty crimes.

If convicted, the man will… have… to live like a refugee.  (Will have to live like a refugee.)

The guitars were brought to a police line-up to be identified, and one at a time, Tom was able to pick them.

“Private Matter”

Dean Cochrun, a 28-year-old South Dakota man is suing the hospital where he was born for having circumcised him as a newborn, without his direct consent.  There’s more to this story; this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Mr. Cochrun, currently in prison on a kidnapping conviction, says that the circumcision robbed him of his sexual prowess.  The lawsuit did not detail why this is so important to him in prison.

Cochrun is asking for $1000 in damages, plus foreskin re-attachment surgery.  No surgery, however, can remove the irony of his last name.

“Making No Cents”

Canada is getting rid of its penny from its currency circulation.  That’s not really big news in the United States, where, for years, we have been dismissively throwing their cute, 7/10-of-a-cent coins in the trash with a head shake and a chuckle.

With the Royal Canadian Mint no longer needing to spend 1.6 cents per penny, they can concentrate more on Canada’s main monetary units: beaver pelts.

The Canadian government says that there will be minimal impact, economically.  Philosophically, however is another matter.  After all, from now on, a penny saved is… nothing.

“Stamping out Poverty” or “Jackpot replaces Jack Squat”

Amanda Clayton, who hit a $! Million lottery in Michigan last fall, pleaded not guilty to felony welfare fraud charges this week, for continuing to collect food stamps after her big win.   If convicted, she faces up to 4 years in prison.  I think she wants it, too.  Why stop at food stamps when you can have free room and board?

“Burning Up the Road”

On a test drive of a Lamborghini priced at almost $400,000, a tire unexpectedly burst into flames, quickly engulfing the rest of the car.  No one was hurt, and the test driver was able to make an offer significantly lower than the sticker price.

Lamborghini now has the unique marketing challenge of trying to figure out how to get fire-prone sports cars to appeal to rich men with tiny penises.

“Law of Physics”

A UC, San Diego physicist used the math of angular versus linear velocity to get out of a $400 traffic ticket for allegedly failing to stop at a stop sign.  It’s the first time his $1000,000 education has paid off.

The judge ruled in his favor so he didn’t have to pay the fine, but let the record show that that the accused is such a nerd.

To equate the math with geometric terms, the stop sign was an octagon, the policeman’s badge a hexagon, and the physicist: a perfect square.

His ability to accurately do the practical math shows that he is just as good at word problems as he probably is bad with girl problems.

“Keeping Up with the… Mayor?”

Kim Kardashian has said she is running for mayor of Glendale, CA.  If she wants to get into politics there, just because it has a high Armenian population, things are going to get hairy.

If elected, Kim would be the first elected official to have her own fragrance.  Unless you count the stink that’s still all over Rod Blagojevich.

Kim thinks she’d make a great mayor, because she knows how to get things done in and out of City Hall.  ‘City Hall,’ of course, is Kim’s new nickname for her vagina.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

"Gay Matter"

A British man who suffered a stroke following an accident says he became gay as a result.  Doctors first began to notice changes in his personality during his recovery from the stroke, when they upgraded his condition from serious to fabulous.

"Trimming the Budget"

In the wake of corruption charges and other troubles, John Edwards has reportedly gone from getting haircuts that cost up to $500 to going to SuperCuts.  But Edwards is ready to abandon SuperCuts if his legal problems go away, or it SuperCuts gets cancer.

Is it just me, or hasn’t John Edwards always looked like he gets his hair cut at SuperCuts?

"Nose Candy"

A controversial new fad diet has become available, where people are not eating or drinking at all for 10 days, but using a feeding tube through their nose to lose weight.  So at the end of the 10 days, you might have lost 20 lbs., but now your nose is really fat.

Patients using the feeding tube diet don’t complain about the lack of food.  They say everything tastes as good as it smells.

The feeding tube only provides 800 calories a day.  Patients daily exercise routine consists of several sets of passing out and falling down. 

"HoloGrammy Winner"

Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s finale at Sunday night’s Coachella performance included Tupac Shakur appearing on stage as a hologram.  Reactions were mixed.  Most fans were thrilled, but a small group who don’t understand technology and do believe in ghosts, literally pooped their pants.

The holographic apparition was a surprise for fans in the event’s big finale, but one especially harsh critic saying Shakur’s performance had no life in it.

I said he was especially harsh.

Too soon?

"Oh, Boy, Canada"

Miss Canada, whose name is  Jenna Talackova,  was disqualified from competing in the 2012 Miss Universe pageant when it was discovered that she was born a boy and underwent sexual reassignment to become a woman.   However, by being Miss Canada, at least she still has something to hang her sash on.

When she got the news that she couldn’t compete to become Miss Universe, Miss Canada was upset.  She didn’t tear up, but she did get a lump in her Adam’s apple.

Jenna had always dreamed of winning the title of Miss Universe and then walking the stage, wearing her tiara, holding her scepter.  Told they don’t give you a scepter, she said, “I know.”

Among her hobbies and interests, Jenna lists hunting, fishing, camping, logging, hockey, and drinking beer, which is what tipped pageant organizers off to the fact that she’s from Canada.

In choosing Jenna as the winner over all the other contestants in the Miss Canada pageant, the judges now admit it was a pretty close shave.

"Dark View"

A new study from UC San Diego says that people who eat a moderate amount of dark chocolate are slightly thinner than those who eat less.  What the study fails to mention is that Americans who eat less chocolate are either drinking or inhaling more of it.

"Holy Gospel, Elvis"

A travel company is promoting its new Elvis Presley Holy Land Tour, a package that will go to Israel with Elvis’s favorite gospel artists.  It is expected that a bunch of Elvis impersonators will sign up, and then meet their tour guide, the Host of Kings.

People on the tour will have the option to be baptized at the Jordon River, with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a bottle of pills.

"This Is Only a Test"

As of this fall, all students taking SAT and ACT college entrance exams will have to present a photo ID.  This, of course, is to cut down on the rampant problem of wild teens’ under-age testing.

The photos of themselves on their ID cards will be helpful to public high school students who can’t read their own names.