“High in the Sky”

On a flight out of Philadelphia Wednesday, a man screamed, dropped his pants, and fought crew members until subdued, and now claims it was because he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Experts say, if that were true, he would have just kept eating the cookies.

The flight was bound for Los Angeles, but due to the passenger’s unruly behavior, it was diverted to Pittsburgh. That horrifying news sobered him right up.

China's Power

China is now the biggest generator of wind energy in the world, having doubled its turbine capacity to 25 gigawatts last year, out of 158 gigawatts worldwide. To put those numbers in perspective, that’s more than enough power to send a DeLorean back to the future!

“Sorry State”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe a liberal activist as campaign. Not wanting to offend anyone, Emanuel said, “I’m really f---ing sorry.”

Emanuel said he meant no offense, and that anyone who didn’t understand that “has to be a f---ing Mongoloid.”

“Palin Comparison”

Sarah Palin called for the firing of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel for referring to a bunch of liberal activists as “F---ing retarded.” Palin felt the description should be applied to ALL liberals, not just activists.

Palin may have misunderstood Emanuel, since she then morally condemned any activists who are f---ing the retarded.

Palin is especially sensitive about the mentally disabled. She has a son who has Down’s Syndrome and she has a lot of opinions that are stupid.

Groundhog's Day

Punxsutaney Phil, Pennsylvania’s famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting another six weeks of winter. Also predicting another six weeks of winter: the calendar.

“Armed Forces Get Fierce”

The Pentagon is taking steps to repeal its ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding gays serving in the military. Finally, soldiers will be free to be ‘out,’ except in reference to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Gays openly serving in the military could change the whole meaning of a ‘decorated officer.’

Gay Marine Corps recruiters are already looking for a few good men.

“Oscar Bait and Switch”

The Academy Awards nominees were announced Tuesday morning, with Avatar named in 9 categories, including "Best Unoriginal Screenplay" and “Outstanding Remake of Dances with Wolves”

“Air Traffic Control” or “Jersey, Sure” or “Plane as Day”

A traffic reporter was forced to land his small airplane on the New Jersey Turnpike Monday, when his oil pressure dropped. But at least he scooped the competition when it came to reporting the back-up on the New Jersey Turnpike.

The plane landed undamaged, but tragically, the pilot was stuck in New Jersey.

The pilot made a smooth landing and no one was hurt, but state police will be after him for not paying the toll.

“Obscene Phone Messages” “Senior Correspondence”

The AARP says that sexting, exchanging sexually explicit text or photo messages, is as popular among seniors as it is among young people. This claim was subsequently confirmed by the Institute for Disgusting Studies.

Though sexting has mainly thought to be a teen phenomenon, this story really adds some new wrinkles.

The AARP has offered advice to seniors sending flirty or X-rated texts or cell phone pictures to be discreet. For example ladies, if you send a naked photo of yourself, shoot it from the knees down, so only your breasts will show.

In light of this information, cell phone sales are really sagging, and that’s not the only thing.

Heightened awareness of seniors’ sex lives has now begun to cause younger people to get grossed out whenever retirees say it’s time for them to “move down South.”

“Torn in Pieces?”

Actor Rip Torn was arrested after breaking a window and entering a Connecticut bank, drunk, with a loaded gun. Presumably, Torn would rather be in jail than be forced to be in Men in Black III.

Upon entering the bank, Torn said, “If you can dodge a bullet, you can dodge a ball.”

In a career spanning over 50 years, he simply had a lot of tabloid headline catching up to do.

Torn did not demand or take any money from the bank, but if he had, he agent was prepared to immediately collect his 10%.

"Blacklisted?"

MSNBC personality Chris Mathews said this week that while watching the State of the Union Address, he “forgot” President Obama “was black.” This counteracts sister network NBC’s whole slogan, “More colorful.”

Mathews might have made even more obnoxious comments, except that, for a time, he forgot that he was Chris Mathews.

Mathews’ audience seemed neutral about his statement, unsure of his intentions. It seems to be kind of a grey area.

State Speech

In his State of the Union address Wednesday night, President Obama told Congress that it was time for the United States to reclaim its lead in technology and product innovations. Therefore, he is asking for $30 billion for research and development to beat China, Japan, and Europe’s tele-prompters.

President Obama announced $8 billion in grant funding for high speed rail here in the United States. This will be great news for the travel industry, especially when the rest of the airlines go bankrupt.

“Brought to a Boyle”

A young man broke into the Scotland home of singer Susan Boyle Tuesday night, but fled when Susan returned home. There was a brief moment of fear of sexual assault, when the young man became afraid that Susan might want to have sex with him.

Boyle was slightly shaken. Not because of the intruder - she’s just never had a man at her place before.

Fortunately, the prowler was caught. Not by police; the man foolishly looked Susan in the eye and turned to stone.

Police were confused when the break-in was first reported. Having seen Boyle before, they assumed the young man must have been breaking out of her home.

“A Fill-in for Phil?”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have suggested that, for Groundhog Day, a robotic groundhog be used to replace Punxsutawney Phil, the beloved weather-predicting groundhog. This is being criticized heavily by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Robots.

Of course, if PETA cares so much about animals, why are they trying get Phil to lose his job?

PETA’s proposed robotic groundhog was designed by SkyNet and is said to have targeted winter for termination.

Survivors from the 12 Colonies have denounced the robotic groundhog as a “frakkin’ toaster.”

“Splitting… the Vote”

Elizabeth Edwards has revealed that she plans to split from her husband, former Senator John Edwards. She didn’t use the word “divorce,” but says her marriage is in “remission.”

Even worse, Mrs. Edwards says that if she could go back in time to 2004, she’s vote for Bush/Cheney.

John Edwards has admitted to an affair and fathering a child with his mistress while his wife was battling cancer. Between John and cancer, she’ll take the cancer.

John says he is the victim here. Sure, he cheated on his wife, but she cheated Death!

“French Twist”

French rescuers pulled a Haitian girl out of rubble 15 days after the devastating Earthquake. Though filthy and irritable, at least those Frenchmen rescued her.

“Knocked Up… Up”

For the first time in over 10 years, teen pregnancy is on the rise. Nice work, Axe body spray.

It seems teen girls are falling for the line, “Can you keep a secret? I don’t need to wear a condom because… I’m a vampire.”

“Safety Messaging”

The U.S. Department of Transportation is banning truck and bus drivers from typing and sending text messages while driving, effective immediately. Fortunately, the new restriction says nothing about Twittering at stop lights.

Not only has texting-while-driving proven dangerous for people in vehicles, other people are tired of receiving texts that say “OMG I’m crashing!”

“Toyota Stalls”

Toyota has suspended all production and sales of 8 of its models that may have an accelerator that could get stuck. Interestingly, they are still outselling GM.

So far their best solution to the accelerator that sticks is to counter with a brake that also sticks.

Toyota is committed to halting sales of the affected models until answer to the problem is found, or at least until it affects profits.

Neither the Prius nor the Sienna are among the affected models, so you can still buy the Toyota of your choice if you’re a nerd.

“Pot Shots”

The city of Los Angeles will be shutting down hundreds of medical marijuana dispensaries based on restrictions to keep them from being too close to schools, libraries, and parks. Ideally, they will all be relocated to locations next to a pizza place.

“Crude Details”

An oil tanker at Port Arthur, TX, collided with another vessel, spilling 450,000 gallons of crude. In response, the former captain of the Exxon Valdez said, Big deal. I could spill more than that while I’m still sober.”

The spill prompted George W. Bush to confirm his support for continued dependence on foreign oil.

“Dirty Laundering”

Guatemala’s former president Alfonso Portillo was indicted Monday for laundering money here in the U.S. in a multi-million-dollar embezzlement scheme. If convicted, Portillo will automatically become the next governor of Illinois.

Portillo was in office from 2000 until 2004, and the alleged embezzlement took place from 2000 to 2003. John Edwards says if he’d known about Portillo’s illegal money sooner, he’d have sold him his illegitimate daughter.

“Diff’rent Strikes”

Former child star Gary Coleman was jailed in Utah Sunday, for an outstanding warrant related to a domestic violence charge. Because of his size, his criminal record will just have the arrest listed as a “time-out.”

While in jail, Coleman’s biggest fear is that WKRP’s Mr. Carlson might try to touch him and his friend Dudley.

Gary’s bail was only set at a modest $1,725, so he is expected to be released… never.

Coleman’s former co-star Todd Bridges has also had his share of run-ins with the law over the years. Finally, Gary knows what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout.

“Newest Jersey”

The cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore are negotiating salaries for Season 2 of their reality show. MTV has reportedly offered them each $10,000 per episode, but the cast wants to be paid in tanning spray and hair gel.

“America Counts”

The 2010 census is beginning, with Alaska to be counted ahead of other states, for fear that if the census-takers wait, residents might “go rogue.”

“A 'Coco'-story NOT about Conan O’brien”

China has a new chocolate theme park set to open January 29th. If the weather is warm, management expects a soft open.

Video previews didn’t show too much; they just offered a taste.

If you go flying off a roller coaster, you’re going to eat it.

When vacationers have to leave to go back home, their departure will be bittersweet.

It’s the first theme park where the rides have safety warnings that also remind you to brush your teeth.

Instead of a Tunnel of Love, the park features a Tunnel of P.M.S.

“Large Market”

The nation’s retailers are offering more plus-size fashions for women. Designers have finally realized that that is a mostly untapped market, except for the few chubby chasers who go out of their way to tap that.

Retail store’s main problem now is that, to win over the modern American female customer, they just need more floor space and much wider aisles.

The larger size fashions will still be modeled by super-skinny models, though, since fashion has an artistic obligation to make people feel bad about themselves.

“BK: Beer Keg?”

Burger King has announced plans for a new casual dining restaurant concept called the BK Whopper Bar, where customers can get a beer with their burger. The main benefit is that instead of getting beer that’s heat pasteurized, you can get one that’s flame-broiled.

Burger King will be going with the slogan “Have it your way… unless you’re under 21.”

It will be a great dining experience, as long as you don’t mind your bar stool being bolted to the floor.

Beer will be sold in cold, aluminum,12-once bottles. If you’re in a fraternity, you’re going to want to super-size that.

The only thing that would be cooler than ordering a beer with your combo meal: free refills.

Employees will just have to be on the lookout for aggressive, drunk customers asking them to ‘hold the pickle.’

“Deal or No Deal”

Conan O’brien and NBC have reached a deal allowing Conan to exit his contract with the network and seek other opportunities in TV as soon as September. NBC’s conditions included having Conan leave behind some trademark bits and agree not to badmouth NBC. Specifics include:

• Conan has to shave his head because NBC considers his red hair their intellectual property.
• 
  Conan is prohibited from saying anything bad about peacocks and all other birds with colorful plumage.
• 
  If Andy Richter wants to be on The Biggest Loser, he has to audition like everyone else.
• 
  La Bamba will be cast on Heroes as a guy who, by singing in falsetto, can see into the year 3000.
• 
  If Leno’s ratings slip, NBC reserves the right to give Conan an 11:35pm booty call.
• 
  NBC has made it clear that they are holding Jimmy Fallon at 12:35… and if Conan violates any part of the exit deal, Fallon will be killed.
• 
  NBC cannot force Conan, or anyone else, for that matter to watch current shows on NBC.
• 
  Any personal bondage-wear Max Weinberg leaves behind becomes the property of NBC.
• 
  Conan maintains the right to sell a new show concept to Fox, So You think You Can String-Dance.
  
  If Conan wants to go on any other Universal Studios roller coaster rides, all he has to do is sign a new TV contract with NBC.
• 
  Jay Leno and Conan will split the money from NBC’s retroactive experiment of replacing prime time comedy with a late night soap opera.
• 
  NBC can change its late night line-up to now include Last Call with The Masturbating Bear at 1:35am.

“Child Support”

North Carolina former senator John Edwards has admitted that he is the father of the baby girl born to his mistress in February, 2008. Edwards said he was wrong to have previously denied that she was his daughter, and he never meant to hurt anyone except his wife.

Edwards, also a former presidential candidate, also addressed the issue of his broken marriage vows to his wife Elizabeth. Edwards explained, “Those were just campaign promises.”

“The Jackson 3… D”

The Grammy Awards plan to feature a posthumous tribute to Michael Jackson including a 5 minute 3-D clip of Jackson’s “Earth Song.” Fans watching at home should enjoy the spectacle, except those who don’t hear about the 3-D in advance, and think Michael’s ghost is actually haunting their house.

This will be the first awards show to feature 3-D. Traditionally, awards shows are only broadcast in 2-D because, by their nature, they completely lack depth.

Jackson himself had planned to use 3-D as the answer to a never-been-done-before part of his “This Is It” concerts. So this year’s Grammy’s is borrowing from that, since Michael has never been dead before.

“Mass Interest”

Republican Scott Brown won the Massachusetts special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat. His opponent, Martha Coakley had said a Republican could win in Massachusetts like California needed tornado warnings.

Brown’s daughter Ayla is a former American Idol contestant who had made it to the top 16 in season 5. In retrospect, Martha Coakley wishes she had adopted Chris Daughtry.

Scott Brown has been open about being a nude model many years ago, when he was trying to pay for school. His admission was refreshing, since most Republicans wait to get caught with their pants down.

In a celebratory speech, Brown got carried away and told supporters that his 2 college-age daughters were “available.” Brown quickly said he was kidding and corrected himself. He meant to say that they were “for sale.”

“Mayer: McCheezy”

Singer John Mayer told Rolling Stone magazine that he is still not over losing Jennifer Aniston. Welcome to the club, John. Neither is NBC “Must-See-TV Thursday.”

John revealed that he is still sad over the break-up, and he became even sadder recently when, for the first time, he heard himself sing.

Mayer seems to have a talent for picking up famous girlfriends. As those who have heard his music know, that is his only talent.

“The Sheens: Charlie, Intense; Brooke, Intensive Care”

Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke is in the hospital for an infection resulting from oral surgery. Charlie says it’s not the first time her mouth has put her in real danger.

Charlie’s biggest regret is that he didn’t put Brooke in the hospital, himself.

Though doctors are taking his wife’s condition seriously, Charlie hasn’t seemed fazed. He’s been around hundreds of women with mouth infections.

“Marrying into Money”

In a reversal of historical trends, men now gain more economically from getting married than women do. One theory attempting to explain the change is that once men get married, they’re no longer paying for sex.

“Surely, Temple”

Archaeologists uncovered a 2000-year-old temple believed to have been a place of worship of ancient Egypt’s cat goddess. Even more incredible, as soon as it was unearthed, the temple began sending out pledge collection and donation notices for the last 2000 years.

Since the site is described as temple ruins, the temple will also be charging all members a building fund.

Researchers say that the cat statues do not necessarily prove that the temple’s attendees prayed to or even believed in the cat goddess. In other words, it was a Reform temple.

“Ship Shape”

Critics have slammed Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines for returning to port in Haiti for vacationing tourists’ resort and beach activities less than 100 miles from the site of last week’s devastating Earthquake. A Royal Caribbean spokesman said the company truly felt sorry for them, but he was referring to the desperate single ladies on the “Cougar Cruise.”

“Tan-Tastic”

The FDA is planning a hearing in March about warning labels for tanning beds, which have been linked to increase skin cancer risks. In the public interest, the federal government would like to protect everyone from tanning except the cast of Jersey Shore.

“HMO-phobia”

Starting next year, new rules for California HMO’s will require limits of no more than 10 business days to get an appointment with a family doctor, and 30 minutes to get a return phone call from a doctor’s office. Of course the commute to the doctor’s office will be less convenient, since they are all going to move to Nevada.

Meanwhile, HMO lawyers are working to change the definition of “see a doctor” to include “see a TV doctor," “see a lab coat,” and “see a photograph of a doctor.”

“Leno Late-ly” or “Sub-Prime Time Programming”

Regarding NBC’s ongoing late night programming melee, Jay Leno told viewers Monday night that the network wouldn’t let him leave. It seems hard to believe: that, at this point, anyone stills considers the low-rated NBC a “network.”

“Most Wanted, Most Photoshopped”

The State Department has published digitally updated photos of what Osama bin Laden might look like now to reflect aging and possible facial hair changes. It’s also useful so bin Laden can see what he’d look like as a blond.

“Rosie Gets Thorny”

The Associated press reported Thursday that Rosie O’Donell thinks it is time for Jay Leno to step aside for Conan O’brien. Surprisingly, the Associated Press actually thought people might care what Rosie thinks.

It’s the first time Rosie has ever expressed a preference for a man.

Onlookers who saw Rosie interviewed were heard to ask, “Who the hell is that guy?”

“Stressed for Success”

Science researchers have determined that mean and women respond differently to stress. For instance, when a woman feels stress, it doesn’t make her lose her erection.

The study showed evidence of men and women responding differently to stress triggers. They made a major breakthrough getting women cast off stress by telling them that it made their butt look big.

“Giraffe-ic Park”

Two out of the four giraffe’s formerly owned by Michael Jackson and recently housed on wildlife property in Arizona have died in just 2 months. Post mortem tests are pending, but so far, details on the giraffes are spotty.

The giraffes formerly lived at Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, where supposedly, nothing ever grows old… because it dies.

Investigators are checking to see if the giraffes had the same doctor as Michael.

“Pat Down”

TV reverend Pat Robertson said that the tragic earthquake in Haiti was caused by Haiti’s “pact with the devil” to overthrow French rule in the 19^th century. Asked for a comment about Robertson’s statement, God said, “I didn’t hear it. I would NEVER watch The 700 Club.”

Denying involvement, even the devil says he hasn’t been near Haiti lately; he’s been hanging out with Dick Cheney.

“Pay to Ride”

In an interview, Nevada’s first male prostitute to be hired at a legal brothel compared himself to Rosa Parks sitting at the front of the bus. Presumably, they were both looking for a cheap ride.

The man is a trailblazer. He is like Rosa Parks. He refuses to give up his seat.

He will not take it to the rear.

Being a gigolo is like riding a bus. You have to make sure you don’t get off too soon.

“Ready to Walk-Show Host”

Conan O’brien issued a public statement yesterday that he would not host a Tonight Show pushed to 12:05am. Then, Jay Leno also threatened to quit. NBC is running out of show hosts faster than it’s running out of viewers.

Other late-night hosts are now chiming in on the shake up at NBC. For example, David Letterman said that if Conan O’brien moves back to New York, he’ll sleep with all Conan’s interns.

“Pasta-Way”

Campbell’s Soup executive Donald Goerke, inventor of SpaghettiOs, died this week at the age of 83. Upon hearing the news, a Campbell’s spokesman said, “Uh-oh.”

Goerke worked for Campbell’s Soup for 35 years, until one day he fell into the assembly line and got canned.

“No Gay Video”

The U.S. Supreme Court has banned video coverage of the Prop 8 trial in San Francisco’s U.S. District Court. This means that GLAAD will give Court TV a terrible rating for its number of gay characters.

Many gay marriage supporters in San Francisco were disappointed to learn that video cameras would be turned off where they were hoping to be turned on.

“Cash Cab”

A New York City cab driver returned a lost purse with $21,000 to an Italian woman visiting the U.S. The cabbie new the money had to belong to an international customer since no one in America has that kind of money any more.

The cabbie drove 50 miles to return the purse and refused a reward. Other cabbies suspect this must only be to lure in future big fish.

The cabbie admitted that the only reason he returned the $21,000 was that he only carries $5 in change.

“Playing It Safe”

A government study says characters in children’s movies have greatly improved the image of personal safety by wearing seat belts, helmets, and crosswalks on screen. This way, real-life kids will emulate those behaviors when fighting with swords, dodging giant robots, or flying on a broom.

“Late Fight”

Well, it took them over 17 years, but NBC is finally handing Johnny Carson’s timeslot over to David Letterman. (Just by accident, and on another network.)

NBC wants to move The Tonight Show with Conan O’brien to a 12:05 to 1 :05am time slot, , and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to 1:05 to 2:05. Until Daylight Savings begins again, at which point they’ll simplify matters by just having Fallon killed.

Conan O’brien announced that he would not participate in a Tonight Show pushed back to 12:05am. So Paula Abdul may wind up with a TV job this season after all.

“Black-Pedaling”

Illinois’ former governor Rod Blagojevich apologized this week for a remark in an interview where he said he is “blacker than Obama.” Unfortunately, he didn’t apologize for corruption and accepting bribes in office.

Blagojevich says he didn’t mean to be racially insensitive, but then said that he thought claiming to be black would give him more street cred with his criminal friends.

Blagojevich will find out exactly how black he's not when he goes to prison.

“Courting for Purpose of Marriage”

The trial to challenge California’s Proposition 8, the gay marriage ban, began this week in U.S. District Court in San Francisco. The gay community is glad to finally bring the matter to court, because, if they win the case and can marry in California, there will already be a judge right there to officiate.

“A Tangled Web”

Actor Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi have both dropped out of Sony Pictures’ planned movie sequel Spider-Man 4, amid rumors of script problems. Sony says they are fine with the change, because it’s the 4th film in the series, so they want it to suck.

In the new movie, Spiderman will face off with a scary, fanged creature, known to fans as Kirsten Dunst.

“The Late ‘Jay Leno Show’”

Over the weekend, NBC announced a major programming revamp over affiliates’ issues with The Jay Leno Show at 10pm. While NBC says they believe the shuffle may allow the network to climb back on top, CBS, ABC, and FOX just think it’s cute that NBC still considers itself a network.

NBC says Leno’s 10pm show will end when the Winter Olympics begins, marking the first time in decades anyone in America looked forward to the Winter Olympics.

If NBC puts Leno on for half an hour at 11:30, follow by an hour of Conan and then and hour of Jimmy Fallon, Carson Daly’s Last Call at 1:30 would be cancelled. Some people were upset about this announcement; particularly about being reminded that Carson Daly exists.

Daly’s show would have been cancelled years ago, but NBC’s late night programming rules say you no one can say anything negative in a sentence with the word ‘Carson.’

“Fox Hunt”

Fox News announced Monday that Sarah Palin has signed on as a contributor for commentary and special event programming. Palin signed a multiple-year deal, so she’ll quit after a year and a half.

Fox decided to hire Palin because they felt that they had too much credibility as a news channel.

“Simon Says”

Simon Cowell announced that he will leave American Idol after this season to head up the American version of his British hit series, The X Factor. Out of habit, Cowell then criticized his own announcement as “indulgent, and forgettable.”

In past seasons, American Idol has been credited with launching careers, creating instant celebrities, and most of all, spotlighting Paula Abdul’s self-medicating.

“Die? Cast Metal” or “Roll Back to China”

Wal-Mart stores are pulling children’s jewelry items from China manufactured with cadmium, a toxic metal. Unfortunately, even this dangerous situation will not cause a drop in the amount of jewelry worn by kids growing up along the Jersey Shore.

Wal-Mart’s quick response to pull contaminated items was to prevent any children from dying from toxic cadmium poisoning. However, there is still as risk that any adults buying jewelry at a Wal-Mart could die of embarrassment.

Despite attempts to protect children from hazardous substances, American kids are still exposed to McDonald’s and Burger King.

“Prime Cuts?”

Rumors began to circulate this week that NBC is going to cancel Jay Leno’s 10pm talk show.
Leno appears to be keeping his chin up, physically endangering everyone around him.

“Shooting Her Mouth Off” or “Putting your Money Where your Mouth Is”

At a bank in Massachusetts this week, a man who claimed to have a gun demanded money from a teller, but ran off empty-handed when another employee yelled at him to leave. Bank security will be on the lookout in case the man returns wearing earplugs.

“Spotlight on Bulbs”

Garlic prices in China have soared as people there are stocking up to protect themselves from the H1N1 flu virus, though there is no scientific proof that garlic prevents the flu. On the plus side, the garlic sales appear to be keeping China safe from vampires.

Asked about the future of garlic, analysts say it stinks.

“We Do Chicken Right, Race Relations Wrong”

An Australian KFC commercial was pulled this week for allegedly stereotyping. The ad features a white soccer fan quieting black fans with fried chicken. Many black Americans were offended, and White Americans were stunned at the idea of cheering for soccer.

“Capitol Offense”

A man who removed his clothes and began jogging naked near the White House was taken into custody by Secret Service Wednesday. Apparently, he thought the 2nd Amendment extended to ‘the right to bare buns.’

It was a cold 35 degrees in Washington, DC Wednesday, and though it was unknown how current economic hardships were affecting the man, he appeared to have frozen assets.

The man may not be criminally charged, but could face a stiff fine, among other things.

The naked man was brought in for psychiatric evaluation. Doctors told him, “One look at you and we can see you’re nuts.”

“Fat Chance”

Columbia University researchers say that obesity now poses an equal threat to quality of life as smoking. Smokers thinking about quitting but afraid of weight-gain now have a rock-solid defense.

A group of obese smokers intended to dispute the study’s findings, but they died.

Upon hearing the news, hundreds of fat people got so stressed out that they took up smoking.

Skeptics had no comment because their mouths were too full to speak.

This frightening revelation is causing most Americans to act… interested.

This makes the smoking section in a fast food restaurant more dangerous than Al-Qaeda.

The sharp increase in obesity over the last 15 years is actually causing average American life-expectancy to drop for the first time in decades. In reaction to this disturbing fact, almost half of America binged on donuts and ice cream.

On the plus side, our public schools can finally say that compared to their international peers, American students are more well-rounded.

“Playing Cops & Robbers”

A 12 and a 14 year old girl are believed to have pulled off a bank robbery in suburban Ohio on Tuesday. Police are keeping a lookout for girls buying suspiciously large amounts of Jonas Brothers merchandise.

One of the girls handed a teller a note demanding money. The teller was in shock, because 12-year-olds usually only text message.

Onlookers were powerless to stop the girls as they made their getaway to the roaring sound of their bicycles.

The girls didn’t flash any weapons, but are believed to have been armed with sarcasm and teen angst.

This was the first known instance where the bank robbers were so young they needed a co-signer to take the money.

The police have not been able to capture the girls yet, but they have received an offer for help from Roman Polanski.

“Anti-Fur Ad Warm and Fuzzy towards First Lady”

The White House is unhappy with a new PETA ad extolling the anti-fur stance of Oprah Winfrey, Tyra Banks, Carrie Underwood and Michelle Obama, using the First Lady’s image without permission. Although, the really amazing thing is that she can even be seen behind Oprah.

“Just a Gigolo”

A legal brothel in Nevada got county approval Tuesday to be the first to hire male prostitutes. Women are already lining up to go, “Ew, gross!”

It gives a whole new meaning to being part of a full-time staff.

The brothel's help wanted sign says, "Many available positions."

Sadly, many of the young men enthusiastically applying for these jobs probably think that the sex they will be having will be with women.

“You Want Fries with that Shake-Up?”

A Kansas City woman, unhappy with her McDonald’s food went on a rampage, knocking 3 electronic cash registers to the floor, causing thousands of dollars in damage before fleeing the restaurant. Apparently, her Happy Meal didn’t include Midol.

Police are picking up clues from the paper goods counter, but frankly, they are grasping at straws.

Clear store video is being used to attempt to identify the woman, who is described by police as tall and heavy-set, but described by McDonald’s employees as “super-sized.”

If the woman isn’t caught, political opponents are already demanding that Mayor McCheese should resign.

“Doctor Octo”

Nadya Suleman’s doctor has been accused of multiple counts of “gross negligence” by the Medical Board of California. It should be specified that this is about her fertility doctor, not her obviously incompetent plastic surgeon.

The charges include ignoring American Society of Reproductive Medicine guidelines and transferring an unsafe number of embryos into a patient. Before answering to any charges, the doctor is taking a pregnant pause and making it more pregnant.

“Big Rush”

Rush Limbaugh says he will return to his radio show as early as Wednesday, following his hospitalization for chest pains last week. Rush says he has no heart problem. Most democrats say that statement is half right.

Rush was taken to the hospital following a 911 emergency call. This prompted Democrats, for the first time, to wish that this country had no health care whatsoever.

Rush claims there is nothing wrong with his heart, but that’s based on his view that anyone more liberal than him has a constantly bleeding heart.

Limbaugh contends that his chest pains were merely caused by an over-stretching of his enormous man-boobs.

“Peter the Great”

Filmmaker Peter Jackson has been knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. Being made a knight of New Zealand surely made Jackson feel like Aragorn being crowned King of Gondor in The Lord of the Rings, because neither of them are real countries.

Asked why she made Peter Jackson a knight, Queen Elizabeth said that it seemed the right thing to do, due to his untimely death and since he was already the “king of pop.”

“Three’s Company”

The Secret Service has revealed that a third uninvited guest joined Tareq and Michaele Salahi at the White House state dinner in November. The man now being investigated is not afraid of prosecution or media attention for the stunt; he just doesn’t want to be associated with Tareq and Michaele Salahi.

“Biggest Erection”

The world’s tallest building, Burj Khalifa, opened in Dubai, Monday. It stands 2,717 feet tall, more than double the height of the Empire State Building. It started out much smaller, but then they filled it with Viagra.

The United Arab Emirates structure is named after the ruler of nearby emirate Abu Dhabi, who has always wanted a big erection.

Described as a “vertical city” of offices and apartments, the skyscraper also features 4 swimming pools, a hotel, and a private library. The only difficult thing about living and working in a vertical city is getting used to walking sideways up the walls.

“Running on Fumes”

A woman passed out and arrested in a stolen car may have set a South Dakota state record for blood alcohol level, which was .708. The legal limit is .08. The only person more drunk while in the driver’s seat got off on a technicality, when David Hasselhoff was behind the wheel of a car that drove itself.

“AT&T Cuts the Line”

AT&T has dropped its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. Their complaint was that he was too literal with their old slogan, “Reach out and Touch Someone.”

AT&T claims in its advertising that it offers the best worldwide phone service. Tiger Woods seemed to make a good spokesman, as one who likes to go ‘around the world.’

AT&T had hoped Woods would help promote their popular calling features, such as call waiting and call forwarding, but Tiger was only interested in trying to get a 3 way going.

“Heavy Metal, Heavy Hearts”

Jimmy Sullivan, the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold died Monday. There was no sign of foul play, but an autopsy was inconclusive. The band wants to know the cause of death, since that’s how he will be avenged.

“Forget the Ginkgo”

A National Institutes of Health-sponsored study shows that Ginkgo biloba, a popular botanical memory supplement, has no effect on memory, Alzheimer’s disease, or dementia. Doctors revealed these results to their patients, and then a while later, revealed them again.

“Tossed Goss”

Jon Gosselin’s New York apartment was allegedly broken into, robbed, and vandalized over the Christmas weekend. There were no witnesses, but if there is any justice in the world, it was just Santa Claus giving Jon what he really deserved for Christmas.

Gosselin claims that clothing was cut and household items including a family-heirloom vase were broken. Gosselin’s lawyer told him this was good practice to getting used to owning only half his former belongings.

“Bank on It”

Tyra Banks told People magazine that this will be the last season of her talk show. Tyra plans to shift focus to her film production company, so that she can use an even bigger medium to annoy people.

“Big Lots”

A shopping mall in Shijiazhuang, China is opening a special underground parking lot just for women drivers, with more lighting and wider spaces to help reduce car collisions. Female mall-goers insist that they are not bad drivers just because they are women; they say it’s because they’re Asian.

The new parking lot will be accompanied by a change to the name of the shopping center to “The Stereotype Mall.”

Designers of the new parking garage are being credited with engineering achievements as well as an award for being “The World’s Most Condescending Parking Structure.”

“Gay Argentina”

Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple this week. It was the most exciting thing for gay Argentineans since Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita!

Details about their wedding have been few, since a Google search of Latin gay marriage only turns up Roman orgies.

“Where Were You When you Saw That Online Kennedy Shot?”

Gossip site TMZ posted a photo supposedly depicting President John F. Kennedy with naked women on a boat in the 1950’s, which was later revealed to be a hoax. The incident could have seriously marred TMZ’s journalistic integrity, if only they had any.

“Priority List”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man charged with trying to blow up an Amsterdam flight bound for Detroit on Christmas day was not on Homeland Security’s “no-fly” list, but he was on the lower priority Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment, or TIDE, list of about 550,000 names. Not surprisingly, he was also on Santa’s “Naughty” list.

“A-Cart-eid”

Former President Jimmy Carter issued an open-letter apology to Jews for his 2006 book which compared Israel to Apartheid-era South Africa. However, he has yet to apologize to the rest of America for his presidency.

“Unpaid Insurance Bill”

The Senate passed its version of the healthcare bill Thursday after a debate that lasted 25 consecutive days. Coincidentally, that’s the exact average most patients wait in their doctor’s waiting rooms.

The cost of the entire packaged legislation is $871 billion, explaining why a piece of legislation is called a “bill.”

Under the plan, employers with more than 50 employees would have to provide health insurance or pay penalties. Perhaps not in the spirit of Christmas, Santa just laid off elves number 51 and up.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accidentally voted “nay” during the roll-call vote, but quickly changed it to an “aye.” This prompted Republicans to quickly attach a rider to the bill to outlaw vote take-backs, as well as finger-crossies and ‘Opposite Day.’

“Holiday Cheer”

The holiday of Chanukah celebrates a small portion of oil that was lit in the Jewish Temple’s holy candelabra lasting eight times its natural length of light. If the menorah powered a car, it would have been the first hybrid.

Because the menorah burned oil, Al Gore is protesting Chanukah over the use of fossil fuels.

Some Christian groups are upset at the commercialization of Christmas, and say that Santa Claus gets the attention that should be on the birth of Jesus. Tim Gunn advised the Virgin Mary to dress baby Jesus in red velvet with white faux fur accents.

“Cocoanut Octo-Pi”

Marine biologists near Indonesia observed the first known instance of invertebrates using tools. Octopuses showed remarkable intelligence by building shelters out of cocoanut shells. However, one octopus admitted they got the idea from the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

Scientists have been very impressed by the octopuses transporting of the materials and building the shelter. Unfortunately, that same transporting and building has pissed off local teamsters.

“Short Sentence Ends Long Story”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the perpetrators of the “Balloon Boy” hoax, were sentenced to 90 and 20 days in jail, respectively, for influencing public officials when the couple staged the stunt. Richard Heene cried at the sentencing as he apologized, because reality show producers love to see that when they are casting.

Going to jail means being stuck in a dwelling surrounded by strangers, having to live on a strict schedule, take orders, and be under constant surveillance. So it’s just like the reality show they Heene’s always wanted.

“Criminal Records”

Two armed gunmen robbed a rap studio located in the basement of a Woodland Hills, CA home Monday. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested the rappers out of force of habit.

The value of the stolen items was not reported, but the rap being recorded in the home studio was estimated to be worth nothing.

The gunmen in Woodland Hills robbed the rappers of camera equipment and other items. However, living in Woodland Hills, the rappers robbed themselves of all street cred.

“The 9 Commandments”

A priest with the Church of England gave a sermon advising his congregation that those who have fallen on hard times should shoplift if they’ve run out of legal options. This has been deemed great advice, since, when they get caught and go to jail, they’ll have free meals and shelter.

Keep on the lookout for homeless people holding up cardboard signs that say “Will Work for Bail Money.”

The priest says he is not ashamed of his views, but if that’s true, then why is he always wearing that ski-mask?

Some are calling for the priest to be removed from his position. If he does wind up jobless, security will be watching him very carefully at every store he enters.

The priest is a vicar in York, England. Though, with his casual attitude towards stealing, some think he might really be from New York.

The priest has seen some negative consequences to his sermon, such as criticism from police, disagreement with Church officials, and the disappearance of all his furniture and silverware.

“Maine Line”

The state of Maine is considering legislation to require cell phones to bear labels saying that they can cause brain cancer, even though the FCC says that cell phones sold in the U.S. are safe. Nationwide, this is the first time many are even being made aware of the existence of Maine.

“Driving the Point”

School systems nationwide are trimming driver’s ed curriculum due to budget cuts. The fear is that students who don’t get the training may wind up driving like Tiger Woods.

Students who can’t afford expensive private instruction are likely to just get a crash course.

“Ballooned Budget”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax, have been served a bill of $42,000 for expenses including police, National Guard, and FAA resources called into service in rescue efforts. The Heenes have counter-offered the government full rights and ownership of their six year old son.

The Heenes say they don’t have that kind of money. They would have, but Jon Gosselin narrowly beat Richard Heene out of the prize money for Douchebag of the Year.

“Into the Eye of the Stem”

British doctors have successfully used adult stem cells to restore vision in 8 patients who had blindness in one eye. Stem cells from the ‘good’ eye were transplanted into the damaged eye, restoring the cornea. The British scientists hope to use similar technology to repair teeth, if they can ever find a British person with one ‘good’ tooth.

In the procedure, stem cells were extracted from the cornea, cultured in a lab, and then transplanted. The technique would be the same in America, except the stem cells wouldn’t be as cultured.

“Way Underage Drinking”

In Tennessee, a 4 year old boy was found drunk outdoors, wearing a dress he stole from a neighbor. The boy’s mother says he was acting out over her pending divorce from his father, who is in jail. Even worse, kids at preschool nick-named him David Hasselhoff Jr..

Despite his troubles, the boy is actually quite bright. Most Tennessee boys don’t start making their own moonshine until they're 8 or 9.

The legal age to drink is 21, but in Tennessee, cops start looking the other way when you’re about 13.

Even after the divorce, the Tennessee parents will still be brother and sister.

“Nazi Crime”

The Auschwitz concentration camp’s infamous “Work sets you free” has been recovered, following its theft last week. The sign will be restored, and Polish authorities say tighter security will include lights, as soon as they can get a ladder and a team of 4 men to change the bulb.

Last week the world was shocked by the theft. In a place that’s famous world-wide for horror, atrocities, and death, the last thing you expect is vandalism.

Despite the fame of the sign, which loomed over the entrance to the camp, work did not set the prisoners free; the Russian army did.

Even though the sign has been found, Mel Gibson still maintains that there had never been one.

“Desert Foxes”

A choir teacher in Phoenix, AZ has been placed on administrative leave for bringing students to a downtown Hooters restaurant for lunch following a performance. Some feel that this was an over-reaction. Surely Hooters girls had seen high school students before.

The choir director thought she was protecting the kids. By taking them to lunch before returning to campus, it was two more hours before the choir geeks could be beaten up by the school’s jocks.

“Jon & Kate Plus Hate”

Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce became final on Friday, with Kate retaining the family home and primary custody of all 8 children. Kate also gets exclusive use of her awful hairstyle, because no one else would want it.

Jon retains exclusive rights to the title “douche of all douches,” but only for one year, after which, the title will be shared by the Guidos on Jersey Shore.

Often, the real losers in a divorce are the children, but in this case, the real loser is still Jon.

Their legal split was settled as a no-fault divorce, but only because the state of Pennsylvania had no provision for a TLC’s fault divorce.

Jon and Kate both say that they still may even be willing to try to reconcile, if not for themselves, at least for the sake of their beloved ratings.

“Not Orphan Enough”

A Duke University study concluded that children who live in an orphanages fare as well, physically and emotionally, as children in family homes. Upon hearing this, the Gosselins’ 8 children all moved to an orphanage.

The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.

The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.

This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.