Monday, August 30, 2010

“Clemons: Not Playing Ball”

Famed former pitcher Roger Clemons pleaded not guilty to 6 charges related to lying to and obstruction of Congress in a Washington federal court. Clemons showed no emotion, as opposed to giving an enhanced performance.

The prosecution’s evidence suggests that Clemons used steroids and denied it to Congress while under oath. Clemons plea went straight over the plate and was clocked at over 100 mph.

If convicted, Clemens could get up to 21 months in federal prison, which is a relief to Clemons, since he never thought he’d get to wear a striped uniform again.

The court will hear the case pertaining to Lying to Congress. No word yet on whether or not they will hear the case of Congress lying to America.

“Las Vegas, Hilton”

A police report released Monday says that Paris Hilton was arrested late Friday night on cocaine possession charges, but denied that the cocaine was hers and said that the purse she was carrying belonged to a friend. She then asked the police officer where her “friend” could get more cocaine.

After officially entering her claim into the police report that the purse with all her belongings in it was not hers, she further claimed that her dog ate her homework.

Paris had asked the officer if they could move off the street into the hotel because she was embarrassed by people looking at her and taking pictures, for which she obviously should have been charged with lying to a police officer.

When the small container of cocaine was found, Paris told the police she had thought it was gum, which explains her attempt to blow bubbles by first sucking it up through her nose.

Paris failed a field sobriety test, in which she was asked to make any contribution whatsoever to society in the past 29 years.

Paris may have tried to conceal evidence including the cocaine, the purse it was found in, her nightclub-mogul boyfriend, and his Escalade SUV in which they had been riding, all in her vagina.

“Sign On” or “Stop (Me) If You’ve Heard This”

Kansas City, MO has put up new stop signs embedded with red-flashing LED lights to combat the distractions that contribute to drivers ignoring a required stop. For effectiveness, the next round of signs will specify, “Stop texting.”

Friday, August 27, 2010

“Levi Stress”

Levi Johnston says he takes back the apology he publicly made to Sarah Palin for supposedly lying about the Palins, saying now that he never lied. Except when he said he apologized; that was a lie.

He only apologized to smooth things over with Sarah’s daughter Bristol, with whom he has a child and to whom he has twice broken off his engagement. So his words mean a lot.

The only thing left that gave to Bristol but hadn’t been able to take back: his sperm.

“Baring their Souls”;_ylt=Ag3NYY.S9XHhzz4UdZMF1qhH2ocA;_ylu=X3oDMTNnOThzdmtmBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwODI3L3VzX3N0cmlwcGVyc19wcm90ZXN0X2NodXJjaARjY29kZQNtb3N0cG9wdWxhcgRjcG9zAzIEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3luX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNiaWtpbmktY2xhZHM-

In Warsaw, OH, bikini-clad strippers staged a protest outside a church in answer to frequent rallies that church-goers have had protesting the strip club. The demonstration is a bit different than other protests. Instead of just holding their picket signs, they writhe against them.

Instead of marching on their picket line to a protest chant, they crawl on all fours to Def Lepperd’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”

Some of the church members even came to the strippers protest to show them Christian love, offering them food, suggesting alternative work, and mainly, correcting their picket signs’ horrible spelling.

The strippers want to be left alone to do their job like everyone else. Apparently, they assume that everyone else’s job requires platform heels and a large supply of body make-up to cover their stretch-marks.

Some church members acknowledge that, though they want these women to leave their jobs as strippers, they aren’t morally judging. The strippers are just too ugly.

“Tiger Eyed”

An X-ray machine found a drugged baby tiger in a suitcase with stuffed toy tigers at the Bangkok international airport. The tiger admits he had been on quite a bender the night before.

The woman who had been carrying the suitcase faces time in prison, and the tiger faces time in the zoo.

The tiger won’t go to jail, but it will wear stripes.

The tiny tiger is only 3 months old, and is unharmed except that it thinks a wool sweater and a toiletry kit are its siblings.

“Hipster Notice”

Johnson & Johnson artificial joint division has issued a recall of hip replacement parts. Great news if you were about to have hip replacement, but if you just had it…

Not helping, their recall notice to return to your doctor for an inspection says, “don’t walk, run!”

Thursday, August 26, 2010

“Fine with Me”

The FAA hit American Airlines with the largest fine in history - $24.2 million, for flying planes with spark-prone wiring near jet fuel tanks. Said an airline spokesman: “We feel that this fine is unfair. There were no sparks and no fires, so no harm came to any of our millions of baggage fees… I mean passengers’ wallets… I mean passengers.”

American is trying to negotiate the fine of $24 million down to 24 million peanuts.

“Government Cover-Up”

The California Assembly is working out a dress code to require women in the assembly chamber to cover bare shoulders with a sweater or jacket, just as men must wear a coat and tie. Legislators assure, however, that the new rules will not interfere with their off-site wet t-shirt contests.

This new measure means that committee chairmanships can no longer be decided by a swimsuit competition.

Pantsuits, as always, will be acceptable by all standards except those pertaining to fashion.

Though shoulder-covering blouses or outer garments will be required, pants or skirts will still be optional so as not to interfere with requisite ass-kissing.

“Two Worlds, but They Don’t Collide”

For the first time outside our solar system, NASA has discovered 2 planets orbiting the same star, in the Lyra constellation, 2,000 light years away. Republicans are already trying to shelter pre-tax money there in off-shore accounts.

Arizona is already watching out for any planetary inhabitants trying to enter the state illegally.

President Obama has already offered both planets free healthcare.

We haven’t declared war on either planet yet, but will send thousands of American troops to each as a peace-keeping force.

“Fly Down”

On a JetBlue flight into Sacramento, emergency inflatable slides had to be deployed when a plane had a hard landing and blew out at least 2 tires. Similarly, a JetBlue emergency slide was recently deployed when one of their crew members blew a fuse.

Passengers needed to exit the plane on the inflatable slides, including 15 who suffered minor injuries in the rough ground stop, making former flight attendant Stephen Slater finally feel like an asshole.

Slater, who famously quit following a profanity-laden speech over a cabin PA system, will now be questioned by authorities to find out if he owns any tire-puncturing tools.

Passengers who were not injured were still traumatized by what they called a horrific experience, but only because the in-flight movie was Sex and the City 2.

“Egg Hunt”

The FDA says they have found salmonella in chicken feed connected to the salmonella poisoning from recalled eggs earlier this month. Trying to improve the situation, the farmers are changing the feed to something called Soylent Green.

Though the source of the salmonella affected the feed is still unknown, the fact that the chickens were eating it before the egg breakout occurred at least answers the question, “which came first?”

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

“Slow Road to China”

In China, The Beijing-Tibet expressway was clogged with traffic that stretched 62 miles and took 9 days to get through. Officials had no way to resolve the traffic jam, so state media just called it the world’s longest parade.

With motorists stuck on the road, local merchants sold them water and food at inflated prices. In other words, we finally found a way to get the Chinese to adopt capitalism.

“Miss Universe’s Fortune”;_ylt=AkjPqY.h1lAQXTs4Bb9jJ3Ds.6F4;_ylu=X3oDMTM1YzFnZ3Q2BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwODI0L3VzX21pc3NfdW5pdmVyc2UEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM0BHBvcwM0BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDbWV4aWNvc25ld2Vz

A new Miss Universe was crowned in Las Vegas, Nevada. Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico won the title, along with cash, a scholarship, an apartment, and an invitation to stay the hell out of Arizona.

Miss USA did not make the top 15 semi-finalists, which Republicans blame on President Obama.

“Attention, Definitely”;_ylt=ArFOX7kY8blCQNF8TVgM_s22GL8C;_ylu=X3oDMTNjcmVvZDczBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTAwODI0L3VzX3Blc3RpY2lkZXNfYXR0ZW50aW9uBGNjb2RlA21vc3Rwb3B1bGFyBGNwb3MDMQRwb3MDMQRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA3N0dWR5bGlua3NwZQ--

A UC, Berkeley research study has shown that children whose mothers were exposed to certain pesticides while pregnant were more likely to have ADHD. Meanwhile, most insects that were exposed to those same pesticides died.

Insects who survived those same pesticides also did poorly on standardized academic tests.

The researchers tried just interviewing the women who had been exposed to the pesticides while pregnant, but they kept stopping and wandering off.

The ADHD study was published in Environmental Health Perspectives, where readers will get bored and stop reading halfway through.

In the United States, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder affects about one out of… hey, look at that guy’s hat.

“The Hole Thing” or “I Think I Canyon”

The National Parks Conservation Association reports that the Grand Canyon is in danger from air pollution and water contamination from tourism, traffic, and nearby mining. Despite federal funding and park entrée fees, they are always in the hole.

They even say they may have to shut down operations, which would then require billions of dollars and thousands of years to fill the canyon with dirt.

“Cat Trashed” or “Kitty in Different Kind of Litter Box”

In England, a woman was caught on video tossing a live cat in a trash bin and closing the lid on it. The woman has been identified and will be thrown in jail, if only to see if she lands on her feet.

Because of her behavior, the woman has been named an honorary punk teenager.

It is unknown if the woman had accomplices, but police are keeping an eye on several neighborhood dogs.

The cat is fine, especially after having spent the night dining on fish bones, discarded cheese, and freshly trapped rat.

“A Night in Paris’s House”;_ylt=AihYzJqBkCbPTc3lmJt8F75bbBAF;_ylu=X3oDMTNjbWVhM3NpBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwODI0L3VzX3BhcmlzX2hpbHRvbl9idXJnbGFyBGNjb2RlA21vc3Rwb3B1bGFyBGNwb3MDNQRwb3MDNQRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA3BvbGljZWludHJ1ZA--

Police arrested a man who broke into Paris Hilton’s house early Tuesday morning, allegedly armed with knives. Paris tweeted about the incident but did not reveal how many times she had sex with the man before the cops showed up.

Paris was not comforted by the fact that the man was taken to jail, because jail is a place where everyone gets out, like, after only a few days, right?

One report says that Paris was in no danger, because the man was only willing to kill a virgin or a genius.

“Oil Eaters”

Scientists have discovered an oil-eating microbe that is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. The microbial species is helping clean the oil spill without very much depletion of oxygen. BP is now quickly trying to figure out how to sell these microbes more oil.

The oil-eating microbes are similar to a known, petroleum-degrading bacteria, and are even more similar to people who order deep-fried food at a carnival.

“Single Tiger”

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren announced their finalized divorce in a joint statement. Lawyers speculate that the two will share custody of their 2 children, but in exchange for the family home, Elin will give Tiger his cell phone back.

Tiger will be turning his attention back to his swinging.

Tiger will go back to focusing on his career in golf, but only because it gets him so much tail.

Tiger has not spoken publicly since the statement was issued because he’s been having sex non-stop.

Elin is trying to take it all in stride, and the thing that is helping the most is hundreds of millions of dollars.

“Blood Wedding”

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, the stars of HBO’s True Blood, have gotten married. After they exchanged vows, Stephen was told, “You may bite the bride.”

Their courtship was a fast one – too fast, in fact, to be human…

Paquin had previously announced that she is bisexual. Specifically, she’s attracted to both humans and vampires.

Their wedding brought up a lot of emotions. For the stars of Twilight, for instance, it intensified their angst.

“Universal Appeal”

The 2010 Miss Universe Pageant was held in Las Vegas. The title this year went to Miss Vulcan, who took the tiara from last year’s winner, Miss Alpha Centauri.

Supporters from her own planet applauded her as the logical choice.

“Getting Carded”

As the new school year starts, Arizona students living near the Mexican border will have to provide proof of state residency in order to board school buses. To be fair, though, the schools will also have to provide proof that the students are actually learning.

“One Woman Cho”

Comedian Margaret Cho is getting ready to go out on a music tour in support of her latest album, in which she sings with several popular artists. Though she has toured performing comedy for years, but her goal is to become a rock star to finally justify all her tattoos.

Friday, August 20, 2010

“Dr. Laura: Fired-Retired”

After being criticized for her on-air use of the n-word, Dr. Laura announced she will end her radio show at the end of the year. Many radio listeners weren't even aware of what she said, since they consider Dr. Laura's frequent rants nothing more than White noise.

“Model Fan Behavior”

While attending a "Star Wars" convention, former "America's Next Top Model" winner Adrianne Curry was groped by a male attendee. Curry then said, "Well, it still beats the abuse I had to take from Tyra Banks."

The Star Wars fans were understandably confused, however. When they were told they were going to see a Top Model, they thought that meant a replica of the Millennium Falcon.

“Anniston’s Epithet”

Jennifer Anniston is facing backlash after using the R word on a radio show. Though the public is not pleased with Anniston for having used the word, they would be a lot more forgiving if she had been using it to describe John Mayer.

“Cinema Smoke”

A new CDC report says that there is a lot less smoking by characters in movies than there was a few years ago. This is because all the cigarettes are being hoarded by Mad Men.

Said a Hollywood studio executive: “This has nothing to do with health issues or movie heroes being role models for kids. Cigarettes are f*cking expensive.”

“Waning Moon”

New research led by scientists at the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum says that the moon may be slowly shrinking. All the attention given to it has caused it to become self conscious and develop an eating disorder.

New research led by scientists at the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum says that the moon may be slowly shrinking. Or, it may just appear that way by comparison, as human obesity is making the Earth look fatter.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Plethera of Topics

President Obama, during a Ramadan dinner at the White House, expressed his support for the First Amendment, his first clear stance since taking office.

President Obama said, "Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan.” FOX News reported it as Obama’s support for the training of terrorists and stockpiling of weapons on private property in lower Manhattan.

-They then used that as a springboard to claim Obama wants to make all private property public property.

Newt Gingrich accused President Obama of "pandering to radical Islam." Gingrich was upset because Republicans like to think they cornered the market on pandering to the religious right.

Iranian Vice President Reza Rahimi says British people, are "not human.” The British took this as a compliment on their ability to hide their emotions.

Iranian Vice President Reza Rahimi says British people, are "not human.” He then added, “They are like sheep, which is why I want to have sex with them.”

He called Australians "a bunch of cattlemen." Rahimi retracted that statement when he realized it sounded like a compliment, just a really gay one.

Then he said Koreans "need to be slapped," which didn’t really affect the Koreans, but made a lot of kinky Japanese businessmen very jealous.

General David Petraeus suggested that he would not recommend large-scale withdrawals of U.S. troops from Afghanistan starting in July 2011. Mainly because in 2011, there still won’t be jobs for troops here in the U.S.

More than 500 people reported being bitten by vampire bats in the Peruvian Amazon. In an amazing coincidence, 500 million people got Twilight from

More than 500 people reported being bitten by vampire bats in the Peruvian Amazon, which seems like an outrageous claim. How do they know it isn’t all from just one bat?

The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. Apparently, in Japanese, the phrase “track down” also translates to “dig up.”

The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. The first place they should look: The obituary section.

The Japanese government was trying to track down almost 200 "missing" centenarians. Americans who heard about this were no help. That’s because they thought centenarians were those creatures that are half man, half horse.

A motorist in upstate New York was arrested during a traffic stop when police discovered a cat locked in his trunk, "marinating" in pepper, salt, and oil. The arresting officer described the man as “cooperative,” and the cat as “delicious.”

A motorist in upstate New York was arrested during a traffic stop when police discovered a cat locked in his trunk, "marinating" in pepper, salt, and oil. In the state of New York, blue laws from the 1800’s still make it illegal to eat p*ssy.

A Texas man drove more than 12,000 miles around the United States, using a satellite device to trace parts of his route that spell the message "READ AYN RAND." He did so as a means of obeying another message that had spelled out, “WASTE YOUR LIFE.”

A Pittsburgh man asked an Allegheny County judge to approve his request to change his name to Boomer the Dog. The judge didn’t mind being asked, but didn’t appreciate Boomer sniffing his crotch.

A Pittsburgh man asked an Allegheny County judge to approve his request to change his name to Boomer the Dog. While waiting for a decision, Boomer will check his paper-work, keep in touch with his lawyer, and curl up on the floor to lick his balls.

The U.S. beef industry is testing methods of cloning dead cows from ideal cuts of meat and mating those clones with natural cows to create the ultimate beef-producing livestock. The cloning is the easy part. The hard part is slipping the cloned cows the roofies without getting caught.

Levi Johnston, father of Sarah Palin's grandson, announced he would run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, in 2012. Clearly a publicity move by a fame-seeker with no political qualifications or experience, Johnston has already been named the Republicans’ 2012 Vice Presidential nominee.

Levi’s campaign would be the basis for a reality show. They are trying to come with a title, since “The Biggest Loser” is already taken.

Levi’s manager dismissed skepticism about his client's political career saying "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston." Of course, Jesus wasn’t in politics; he was a carpenter. Levi isn’t a carpenter just because he nailed Bristol Palin.

If Levi deserves to be compared to Jesus, let’s see if Jesus is announcing a fake engagement on next cover of “Deities Weekly.”

Monday, August 16, 2010

“Assault with a Battery”

The FAA and the U.S. Transportation Department have expressed concerns about lithium-ion cell phone batteries being rigged by terrorists to start a fire onboard an airplane. Unless it’s for an iPhone 4, which won’t even burst into flames if you hold it the wrong way.

Motorola insists that their batteries wouldn’t pose such a danger, because by the time they got to the airplane, they would already need to be recharged.

“Tequila Mocking” or “A Shot at Tequila”;_ylt=Ath_hQpDQtj_y1tcSkvPnahH2ocA;_ylu=X3oDMTNkc2oxMGYyBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwODE1L3VzX3RpbGFfdGVxdWlsYV9qdWdnYWxvcwRjY29kZQNtb3N0cG9wdWxhcgRjcG9zAzIEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3luX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNzaGVyaWZmdGlsYXQ-

At this past weekend’s Gathering of the Juggalos, a music festival starring the band Insane Clown Posse, reality TV personality Tila Tequila says audience members threw rocks at her. Onlookers said it was a shame to waste rocks that way.

Tequila claims they also threw feces at her, and some say she is full of it.

Tila still had sex with them, though.

A misunderstanding may have erupted because Tila was wearing more makeup than the Insane Clown Posse.

“The Case Is Clothed”

Judges are enforcing dress codes for court appearances, forcing people who show up in jeans, flip-flops, or T-shirts deemed inappropriate to be refused entry by bailiffs, under judges orders. Also, anyone wearing Uggs are thrown out by fashion police.

As a move towards true, justice, soon fat people wearing skinny jeans will be able to be jailed.

“Sex, Education”

A new study says that teens having sex do not necessarily get worse grades than their counterparts who abstain. Especially when the teens having sex do it with their teacher.

The study also says that teens who have many casual sexual encounters get poorer grades. It’s as if they are screwing their brains out.

Teens in committed relationships do as well as those who refrain from sex. Unless they start flunking around.

“Master Race Car”

Over the weekend, Mel Gibson crashed his Maserati into a hillside in Malibu. Gibson was not injured, and alcohol was not believed to be a factor, but Gibson is certain the hillside was being controlled by the Jews.

Unfortunately, there is no audio tape to tell us if Mel had previously threatened to take a sports car to the side of his own head or to bury himself in a hillside.

Some suspect Mel may have crashed the Maserati on purpose, in anger. The car was supposed to meet him for sex at the Jacuzzi, but it had been too tired.

Friday, August 13, 2010

David Hasselhoff is being Roasted on Comedy Central. If I were on the Dais, here's what I would have said, out of love for The Hoff:

A lot of people know David best from a show that featured him driving a car that was smarter than him. That show was called Baywatch.

Remember Knight Rider? They wanted to make the character of Michael Knight more like David in real life. They were going to rename him Michael Nightcap.

David became a sex symbol in the 80’s, and it’s easy to see why. Because at the time, gay men weren’t so picky.

David was featured in an iconic 80’s poster, dressed only in a Speedo and an open, black leather jacket. It was like Fonzie had joined The Village People.
- I’m kidding. The jacket was pleather.

And he’s always had that great head of hair. Even today, every casting director knows, he still gives great head.

Half the men in Hollywood only wish they could run their penis through that hair.
-And the other half have.

David also drew a lot of fans as a judge on America’s Got Talent. Which proves that America’s Got Problems.

America remembers seeing you in the audience on American Idol, where one performance so moved you, it brought you to tears. Or else, you were so plowed you were vomiting out your eyes.

David, we’re video taping this. Try to eat a cheeseburger so it’ll go viral.

They call him “The Hoff.” You know how he got that nickname? He only has hoff a penis.

Baywatch was on for 10 seasons. You know why it finally got cancelled? David drank the bay.

You know, there had been rumors that on the set of Baywatch, your pupils were often dilated. Of course they were. For 14 hours a day you had to watch Pam Anderson’s boobs bounce up and down.

All the women on Baywatch had these giant fake boobs. And that’s why I always admired you, David. You let yours get bigger naturally.
-That’s called integrity.

By the end of Baywatch, you could have used your own man-boobs as a flotation device.

The lifeguards on Baywatch, were so much like the lifeguards in real life. You know, they all had the life preserver, the whistle, and they all had that white stuff on their noses. You know, cocaine?

Baywatch was so popular that it spawned a spin-off, Baywatch Nights, where David’s character would investigate the unexplainable, like his popularity.

Baywatch Nights focused on paranormal mysteries, like Germans’ taste in pop music.

David is a huge recording star in Germany. Every year, he still goes back there for a huge tour in the fall. Or as the rest of Germany calls it, Oktoberfest.

David, the world has loved you in movies, as a TV action hero, and as a talent judge. Soon we’ll all be rooting for you on Celebrity Rehab.

“Snookie on the Hook”

In a radio show interview, Senator John McCain said he agreed with Snookie of Jersey Shore, when she claimed to be “too pretty” to be in jail. It was later clarified that McCain thought he was being asked to comment on Charlie Brown’s dog Snoopy.

This item makes it hard to know which is going; McCain’s eyesight or his hearing.

Once the misunderstanding was cleared up, McCain realized he was talking about a completely different dog.

“Will Dr. Laura Be Blackballed?”

Radio show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger issued an apology for using the N-word on a show where a caller was complaining about the use of the word by her husband’s friends. To avoid future conflict, Dr. Laura will also shorten her last name to Schlessi.

Dr. Laura is known for expressing strong, controversial opinions, but clearly crossed the line when she told her audience to kiss her black ass.

Dr. Laura discussed how often she hears black people say the word, but admits she was wrong to have said it herself. Citing what she called a “horrible mistake,” she then called herself a stupid Jew.

“Bathing Suits and WashingTon”

President Obama is in Florida this weekend to help promote tourism in the oil-spill affected area. Amid water-safety questions, many wondered if the president himself would take a dip. Sources say Obama would not swim, not because of oil contamination; because he’s black.

Regardless of the situation in Gulf areas, it may just be a stereotype that African Americans are not big fans of swimming. But some say the two mix like oil and water.

“Obscene Gesture”

In South Carolina, Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene is facing charges for allegedly showing pornography to a college student. Other college students are now rallying outside Greene’s office, demanding to know where they can get pornography.

Since Greens is running for U.S. Senate, the biggest shock here is that it wasn’t gay porn.

“Flighty Attendant”

A lawyer for Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who quit in a dramatic exit early this week, says that Slater would actually like to return to the aviation industry, hopefully with JetBlue. The ideal solution would for JetBlue to hire Slater as their union negotiator.

Either that, or make him gate security and instead of a chute, give him a taser.

If Slater did go back to being a flight attendant, the airline would save a lot of money, because passengers would be afraid to ask him for a drink or a blanket.

“The Best Research, Period.”

Researchers in Taiwan found abnormalities in the brains of women suffering from menstrual cramps. The researchers used brain scans to detect the abnormalities, which were confirmed when the women then cussed them out and tried to kill them.

The researchers went over budget for the study, because they had to keep buying the test subjects wine and ice cream.

Subjects of the study called the researchers brilliant, considerate, stupid, insensitive jerks.

The women who participated in the study were pleased to have their symptoms validated. Then they were angry. Then they were sorry they snapped. Then they got depressed. Then they felt better, but cried anyway.

“Bean Town” or "Pod Person"

A Massachusetts man feared to have developed a tumor in his lung was instead found to have inhaled a pea that began sprouting. Had it continued to grow, the man could have become a vegetable.

The man had reported feeling sick, but doctors always can tell its more serious when their patient starts turning green.

Doctors were reluctant to tell the man about his ailment, but they knew they had to spill the beans.

The pea was removed and his lung re-fertilized for next year’s planting.

The man certainly doesn’t intend to grow another pea in his lung. What makes more sense is crop rotation.

The human pea-insulator has a new nickname: “I Pod.”

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

“Old Case File” or Senior Citizen's Arrest"

A bank-robber nicknamed the “Grandad Bandit” has been caught after robbing at least 25 banks in 13 states since 2008. If nothing else, he proved that the Golden Years are ideally suited to travel.

After a 6-hour stand-off with the FBI, agents didn’t need guns or tear gas to capture him. They just stood on his property until he came out yelling at everybody to get off his lawn.

If that hadn’t worked, they would have just waited for him to fall asleep in front of the TV.

The robber’s pattern had been to flee the banks he robbed on foot. His getaway driver quit because the robber always yelled at him for driving too fast.

He robbed 25 banks with only a note. He would have robbed more, but his notes had to be hand-written since he couldn’t figure out how to use a computer.

He always demanded small, unmarked bills or else a gift certificate for Big Boy’s early-bird special.

He never got violent or showed a weapon, but he did lean in too close with coffee breath.

In prison, he’ll be doing hard time but eating soft food.

The man had been clearly photographed by closed-circuit TV cameras on at least 9 separate occasions, leading to his capture. A younger robber might have figured out how to turn them off with a remote control.

Until apprehended, the FBI warned that at his age, the man should be considered armed and cranky.

They also warned civilians not to approach him, because he may be gassy.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

“Flight Crude”

Steven Slater, a JetBlue flight attendant hit by a passenger, quit by picking up the P.A. mic, cussing out the passenger, grabbing a beer, and deploying and sliding down the emergency slide. Slater now has a new job: the greatest American folk hero of the 21st Century.

Slater’s altercation with the passenger started during snack service, when the passenger tried to grab his nuts.

Slater was later arrested for deploying the slide, because everybody else on the plane didn’t get a turn.

“Under Cover Cars”

Police agencies are turning more and more to unmarked vehicles for officers on patrol. Of all police agencies, the LAPD will get the most use of unmarked cars, just because they realize they should really be ashamed of themselves.

“Fight, or Your Chicken?”

Surveillance video of a female drive-thru customer attacking an employee and smashing the drive-through window at a Toledo, OH McDonald’s went viral this week on YouTube. The drunk woman later apologized, acknowledging that that kind of behavior really only belongs at a Denny’s.

The customer had tried to order Chicken McNuggets early in the morning, when only breakfast is served. She became adamant about getting McNuggets, because she really wanted to eat something with no trace of real chicken meat in it.

Reports said that the female employee suffered injuries after getting knocked down and landing on her McMuffin.

Said a sleazy customer who watched the girl-on-girl violence, “Hey baby. You want some fries with that catfight?”

Not surprisingly, when Ronald McDonald saw the shocking video, his face went completely white.

Monday, August 9, 2010

“Driving Range”

Police agencies are turning more and more to low profile and unmarked vehicles for officers on patrol. Police find this very convenient, because now they don’t have to wait until they are off-duty to commit crimes.

The downside is that cops keep pulling over other cops for speeding.

The use of the unmarked police cars typically will make it easier for the department to partner together one officer who does things by the book and another who is fed up with the system and plays by his own rules.

“Raising Hell”

A Georgia pastor was arrested doe picketing Warner Robins High School’s sports teams nickname, the Demons. The pastor will spend much of his jail time in the exorcize yard.

Some doubt the pastor’s sincerity, since he isn’t a fan of the Anaheim Angels or the New Orleans Saints.

The pastor and his fellow protesters object to the connotation of the nickname. He would prefer that the teams were called something more reminiscent of a church environment, such as the Cardinals, the Padres, or the Fighting Irish.

Similar protests were held before, but by actual demons when the school loses a game.

“Beauty Bias” or "Pretty Unfair"

A Denver research group says that pretty women are often passed up for jobs considered masculine, such as security, mechanical, and driving jobs. In a related story, Sarah Jessica Parker has been hired as an entire construction team.

According to the study, when it came to getting management jobs or promotions, a lot of attractive women went under the radar. Or under the desk.

“Feliz Cumpleanos a Dora”

Dora the Explorer, the heroine from Nickelodeon’s top-rated show, turns 10 this week. In a special episode, Dora wises off to her parents, and ditches exploring to hang out with her friends at the mall.

Dora’s mother and father will also be questioned by Child Services for letting such a young girl go around exploring for a decade with no parental supervision.

Dora has a message for all the parents of pre-schoolers that she has entertained and helped educate, including teaching Spanish. She said, “I can hardly believe it has been 10 years. You know what? I’m sick of babysitting all of your kids for free. Thanks for nada!”

“Belly Laugh?”

The American Cancer Society says that for older adults, belly bulge may double the risk of death. At the beach, it may also double the risk of observers’ nausea.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

“Justice Prevails”

Elena Kagen was confirmed to the Supreme Court Thursday. Kagen is the 4th woman to ever to be appointed as a Supreme Court Associate Justice, but the first to be butch enough to become Chief.

“Status Update”

A Cleveland area wife discovered that her husband had actually married a second woman when she found the wedding pictures on Facebook. The wife had been suspicious ever since her husband had started poking her.

To be fair, the husband did change his relationship status to “bigamist” and his ‘About me’ to “douche.”

“Concrete Case”

BP has finished pumping cement into the burst oil well in the Gulf Thursday. Or the public relations side, though, they will need to keep shoveling sh*t.

“Adding to the Mex”

Mexico City’s law to allow same-sex marriage was ruled constitutional by Mexico’s Supreme Court Thursday. The ruling is great news for gay American couples who want to go south of the border to get married and then be kidnapped for ransom.

Mexico City’s gay friendly legislation was a surprise to some. But it did inspire Taco Bell’s Chihuahua to finally come out of the closet.

“Dr. Hoax-table”

A false but widespread Twitter rumor caused many to believe that comedian Bill Cosby had died. People should have been suspicious of the rumor, since it specified that Cosby had been eaten by a giant chicken heart.

Fans were glad to learn that Cosby is alive and well. On the other hand, the world will accept anything it takes to prevent a sequel to Ghost Dad.

“Bieber Reader”

Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs. He plans to start writing as soon as he is old enough to learn how to read.

Rather than typing or dictating the memoir, Justin will just scribble it with crayons.

You already know the ending by the bottom of the first page, though, because the book will only be one page.

This will be the publisher’s first hardcover pamphlet.

Publishers deny padding the content of the book and insist that most biographies feature pictures of the subject’s hair on every other page.

“Happy Birthday, Mr. President”
Today is President Obama’s birthday. Said a conspiracy theorist: “Or at least it would be if he had a birth certificate.”

Obama turns 49, so now he’s old enough to hear Rahm Emanuel speak, uncensored.

Obama admits he is a lot more gray than he was last year. But some argue he was never all that black to begin with.

The president blew out the candles on his cake and wished for a trillion dollars.

To celebrate, Obama had a huge party, but a minority opposition prevented them from doing anything.

To save money at his birthday bash, the confetti was made out of 91,000 secret Afghan war documents.

“Prop 8 Drop”

A federal judge overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage today, saying the change to the state constitution violates a fundamental right. Ironically, those disagreeing: the Fundamentalist Christian Right.

Proposition 8 supporters have already said that they will appeal, which just goes to prove you can’t end a story with a proposition.

Analysts say gays run the risk of falling into the stereotype of being overly dramatic, having made a federal case out of it.

A ruling by a federal judge Wednesday means Proposition 8's gay marriage ban was overturned. In celebration, so were a lot of gays.

“Homer Alone”

The Yankee’s Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th career home run Wednesday, prompting fan celebrations and t-shirt sales to mark the milestone. Even though it was really his 449th without an asterisk.

The homerun ball, like A-Rod’s steroid use, was not caught.

It came down in a protective netting above the players and fans, just like A-Rod.

“The Mouse Wants a Bigger Slice of Cheese”
Disney parks raised its ticket prices effective ZThursday, from $79 to $82 for an adult day pass in Orlando, and from $72 to $76 in Anaheim. Considering the recession and the drop in tourism and travel, experts conclude that like many Hollywood stars, Mickey Mouse must have developed a cocaine habit.

Because of the prices, the use of the phrase “The Happiest Place on Earth” will be restricted to Disneyland and Walt Disney World executives.

Apparently, recent shifts in management have left the park in the hands of Donald Duck’s greedy Uncle Scrooge.

A Disney rep explains that they had no choice but to raise prices because Cinderella’s castle was mortgaged on an ARM and the rate just adjusted up.

Hey, they gotta do something to offset bombs like The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

“Breaking up Is Hard to Do Again”
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, who announced their re-engagement on July 14, have again called the wedding off. This just in. It’s back on. Wait. It’s off.

Levi Johnston allegedly admitted that he might have fathered a baby with another teenage girl. At that point, Bristol really wanted to break it off. And then end the relationship.

“Doodle Pad”
Morrie Yoahi, inventor of Cheez Doodles, has died at the age of 90. The secret to his longevity: he didn’t eat Cheez Doodles.

In tribute, pallbearers’ fingers will leave behind a thick layer of orange dust on the casket.

Or, Yoahi will be cremated and his ashes will be colored orange with a dye that stains your fingers.

“Health is Going South”
The CDC says that over 30% of people in 9 Southern states are obese. Their recommendation: stay out of the South.

The US obesity problem is so severe, the government will replace the Bible Belt with a Lap Band.

Unfortunately, these facts were sandwiched between others and the public ate the sandwich.

The obesity rate does finally appear to be slowing, but only because obese people can’t move any faster.

One theory as to why there are fewer and fewer thin, healthy people is that fat people have begun eating them.

“Fight for your Right”
In separate rulings this year, The Supreme Court modified the famous Miranda rights read to suspects upon arrest, to better empower police in interrogations. Miranda’s lessened effectiveness is being blamed on Cynthia Nixon’s performance in Sex and the City 2.

Critics have been very vocal about suspects rights, to which the Court replied, ‘You have the right to remain silent.”

One of the rights read is, “If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Take that, Mel Gibson.

“Franklin Falls”
Aretha Franklin was forced to cancel 2 concerts after a fall in which she suffered broken ribs. It could have been much worse. Apparently, he fell out of a 3 story-building, but that hat she wore at Obama’s inauguration broke her fall.

Monday, August 2, 2010

“Poor Wine”

Pennsylvania is testing wine vending machines that require an ID and breathalyzer test in order to make a purchase. By implementing the vending machines, the state’s main goal is to slap the pretentiousness out of wine-drinkers.

The top row of wines will be exclusively for alcoholics. When the machine dispenses the wine, the coil rolls, and then the glass bottle falls and breaks at the bottom, preventing the alcoholic from drinking.

The vending machine is so sophisticated; it can take your ID, test your breath for alcohol, and then keep your change as a ‘tip.’

The machine does not provide glasses, the assumption being anyone buying wine from a vending machine will just be drinking from the bottle held in a paper bag.

“Channel W”

George W. Bush will grant his first post-presidential interview to NBC in November. This is sure to be a perfect match; the lowest rated president, with the lowest rated network.

With NBC’s ratings slump and Bush’s approval rating having been the lowest ever, it’s actually possible that the interview might have fewer than 0 viewers.

To promote the release of his memoir Decision Points, the former president will be interviewed by Matt Lauer, but Bush thinks he’s hosting Saturday Night Live.

“Mud Bath”

BP has begun tests to pump mud to push oil back down into its reservoir to permanently plug the leak in the Gulf well, a project called “static kill.” If it fails like “top kill” failed, new CEO Robert Dudley is willing to at least appease the public with operation “Tony Hayward kill.”

The mud-pumping is a logical move. Since the oil spill has become as a big of a political disaster as it is environmental, it was only a matter of time until the mudslinging began.

BP is also calling this an injectivity test, but that’s just to make it sound sexier.