Wednesday, November 30, 2011

“Paper Trail”

Three scammers were busted in Florida for swindling senior citizens into buying high volumes of special toilet paper to comply with fake, government septic tank requirements.  Like the septic tanks, the scammers were full of it.

Seniors were targeted specifically by the phone scammers because they are the only people left who pick up their home phone.

Embarrassed victims were more than a little flushed.

Some of the seniors thought they were getting a great deal on special toilet paper, but they were just getting wiped out.

“Legal Circus”

The Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus parent company agreed on a settlement with the USDA over charges of animal mistreatment.  The settlement was easily reached because both the circus’ representatives and the government officials are a bunch of clowns.

Federal inspections led to charges over treatment of the circus’ 54 pachyderms.  The settlement was reached once they addressed the elephant in the room.

Several major issues dealt specifically with the care of tigers and zebras cages and enclosures.  Until

those issues are resolved, stripes are officially out.

A chief complaint called out tigers’ feeding conditions.  From now on, the tigers will only eat Frosted Flakes.

Asked for comment, the tigers said “They’re Greeaaat!”  

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


A moment of seriousness to pay my respects.
Patrice O'Neal, an out-spoken comedian known from several Comedy Central roasts, as well as many appearances on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, among other shows, passed away at the age of 41.
I remember meeting Patrice and watching him work when I was first starting out in stand-up in the mid 1990's in Boston.  He knew how to control the room, work the audience, and was very funny.  He was literally a tough act to follow.
My condolences to his family, friends, and fans.

“American Way”

American Airlines has filed for bankruptcy.  Their debts are so large they can no longer be carried-on.

Due to the company’s financial strains, all of their planes’ passenger cabins will now be even more pressurized.
To offset their costs, pilots will now be paid in frequent flyer miles.

The airline says that their biggest issues are labor and fuel costs.  To save money on both, they are going to cover most of their destinations by strapping their planes to the top of buses.

Employees are taking the news pretty hard.  Their faces looked so sad today, you’d think the luggage they lost was their own.

American’s debt ratio is so high, for the first time, the airline is actually living up to its name.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Wishing all of my fan(s) and reader(s) a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday.  I am thankful to have the chance to do what I love - to write jokes.  And I don't know if those who read them really enjoy them, but I like to believe that my jokes are viewed and laughed at daily by hundreds of men, women, children, and unicorns.  yes, I believe that unicorns can read and have the internet.
I am thankful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to poke fun at our government, our leaders, and the issues of the day, without fear of censorship or persecution.  And I am thankful that there are people who share my point of view and appreciate my humor and silliness.  And that a blog never reveals when I have something stuck in my teeth or write in my underwear.
I am thankful to my family, to my friends, to my supporters.  Most of all I am thankful to God, for my family, friends, and supporters.  And a special thank you to the politicians, the Real Housewives, The cast of Jersey Shore, and all the Kardashians, for making it so easy to come up with jokes during otherwise tough times.  If Comedy is like a Thanksgiving holiday for the mind, you are surely the turkeys.

Monday, November 21, 2011

"The Family Perry"

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry has signed the conservative group Family Leader’s “marriage pledge,” which calls for personal upholding of the groups’ core values as well as a traditional definition of marriage to be written into a constitutional amendment.   Some were surprised that Perry signed, since it suggests he still thinks of his candidacy as relevant.

Those unfamiliar with Family Leader, it's an organization dedicated to conservative views on social issues, not, as it sounds, a title that some charismatic crazy guy gave himself to start his own cult.

“Toy Man”

Toy giant Mattel reported that their CEO, Robert Eckert, will retire at the end of the year.  The company made the announcement using their inside voice.

Eckert has headed the company for 11 years.  And now he’s winding down.

During the time he has lead the company, he has also learned a lot about sharing and waiting your turn.

Allegedly, Eckert got really tired of everyone at the company playing games with him.

The CEO will be replaced by an electronic version of Eckert.

Eckert says that once he retires from the toy business, he’s looking forward to more play time.

Luckily for Eckert, his predecessor, CEO Barbie, left really tiny shoes to fill.

As exiting CEO, Eckert has an attractive retirement package, but of course, batteries are not included.

“American / Italian Pie”

President Obama spoke to the new prime minister of Italy, Mario Monti, by phone Monday.  The president made faux pas, when he suggested that Italian economic reform should be delivered in 30 minutes or less.

The two spoke through an interpreter, an Italian-American from New York who speaks no Italian, but talks loudly and with broad hand-gestures.

Monti ended the conversation with Obama by utilizing an old Italian custom: he played Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” on a diner jukebox, sat down to eat his onion rings, and then everything just went black.

Now that he is prime minister, Mario Monti wants to be known as Super Mario.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

“’Star’ Stars War”

A feud has erupted between William Shatner and Carrie Fisher, starting with Shatner claiming Star Trek to be superior to Star Wars, and then Fisher firing back.  It’s like two worlds colliding, and yes I’m making a fat joke about both of them.

So Captain Kirk and Princess Leia are going at it, but not at all in the way the obvious, ultimate sci-fi geek fantasy goes.

The Federation is on Kirk’s Side, but The Force is with Leia.

Only science fiction nerds are interested in this feud.  Because no one else wants to watch two old broads fighting.

Why don't the two of them get the foreplay over with and start making sweet Wookie?

"Flight Number 2"

The pilot of a plane bound for LaGuardia Airport in New York got trapped in the airplane bathroom when the door jammed.  Fortunately, the pilot was able to free himself and return to the cockpit, but only after having made a splash landing.

When a passenger who discovered the trapped pilot tried to alert the co-pilot through the cockpit door, the co-pilot feared it might have been a terrorist.  But actually, the pilot stuck in the bathroom was the one who had already dropped a bomb.

The rest of the flight crew remained calmed, but the pilot was mostly flushed.

The pilot escaped from the bathroom and made an emergency landing.  He may have even left skid-marks.
Fortunately, the pilots are highly trained.  Potty trained.

Shooter Puts ‘Ass’ in ‘Attempted Assassin’”

Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, the man arrested for firing two shots at the White House yesterday, is being charged with attempting to assassinate the president or his staff.  Obviously the man was attempting assassination, since he is known by three names.

The president was not at the White House at the time; he’s on a trip to Australia and Indonesia.  So this guy’s aim was WAY off.

"Foreign Relations"

In a new campaign, Benetton ads show several doctored pictures in which it appears that pairs of top world leaders are kissing on the mouth, including one with President Obama and Chinese Leader Hu Jintao.  It’s obvious the photos are fake; if they were real, Obama would be kissing China’s ass.

The one obvious pair of political figures missing from the collection is Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton.  Not even Photoshop could get those two to lock lips.

"TSA Screened"

A new Congressional report calls the TSA “bloated” and “ineffective.”  The report got through to Washington by airplane, completely undetected.

Had the report been a message in a bottle, however, a TSA agent would have forced the carrier to throw the bottle away before boarding.

The House Transportation Committee is troubled over their findings about the TSA.  But they are even more upset about the fact that, from now on, whenever they go through any airport, they can each expect a body cavity search.

"Sexiest Man"

Bradley Cooper was given People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” annual title in this week’s issue.  One of the surprise runners- up was one of Cooper’s Hangover co-stars.  Mike Tyson’s tiger.

(Well, you didn’t think it was going to be Zach Galifianakis, did you?)

"Sharp Ad" or "Baby Safety with an Edge"

Milwaukee’s Health Department has come under fire for an ad showing a baby sleeping next to a butcher knife meant to make a point about the dangers of sleeping an infant in bed with his parents.  The only reason a young child should ever go to bed with a butcher knife at his side is if Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky is nearby.

What the picture doesn’t tell you is that this baby is an award-winning chef with his own show on the Food Network.

The real problem with people sleeping with babies is that, then you have babies having babies.

This same poster is going to be used by 2nd Amendment advocates the next time tougher gun laws are proposed, to say, “See?  This is what will happen if you take babies’ guns away.”

"A Shot at the White House"

A man was arrested Wednesday for allegedly firing 2 shots at the White House Friday night, one of which hit a bullet-proof window.  Tea partiers blame the incident on the decline of the neighborhood since President You-Know-Who moved in.

The 2 bullets were recovered and the weapon they came from was found – at taxpayers’ expense, complained Republicans.

"Bieber Baby Claim Bounced"

Mariah Yeater, the woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby, dropped her paternity suit last week, after Bieber denied the claims, volunteered to take a DNA test, and had his lawyers preparing a lawsuit against her.  But what really got her to drop the suit was when it came out  that Justin Bieber is a girl.

Her only evidence was that she’d named the alleged love-child after Bieber.  She calls the baby Big Money.

You know, to make her claim more believable, she should at least have waited for Justin to hit puberty.

When the story broke, Bieber immediately denied knowing the woman, and his comment was, “I’ll always be a target, but I’ll never be a victim.”  Justin, that’s not entirely true.  You won’t have to worry about being a target five years from now, when you’ll be a forgotten has-been.

At that point, you’re comeback options will be to either star in a reality show, or to actually impregnate a current pop star.

If you go on a television interview claiming that you’re baby is Justin Bieber’s, but then quickly drop that claim, you have to go back on television, just to be ridiculed.  It will be good practice for when you go back on TV soon after, to find out the real baby daddy on Maury Povich.

Or, if you’re going to falsely claim that a celebrity fathered your baby, you at least have to do the proper preparation.  Research the celebrity.  Like, in the case of Justin Bieber, interview his pediatrician to make sure the kid’s got a penis.  Get a Bieber wig and sneakers for the baby to wear in front of the paparazzi.  It won’t fool anyone, but you’ll actually get better press if the media thinks you’re crazy instead of an lying gold-digger.

"Red Flags"

Former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who has been charged in 40 incidents involving 8 boys, says that he enjoys being around children, having a good time with them, and admits to showering and ‘horsing around’ with them, but says he’s not a pedophile.  What is he, then?  A pedo-perv?  A pedo-pig?  A Mega-pedophile?

Sandusky denies any wrongdoing.  That’s okay, in a future case of karma, so will his inmates in prison.

The charges stem from incidents going back to 1994, meaning the boys are all grown men now.  That’s disappointing to Sandusky, who just doesn’t find them as attractive anymore.

“L.A. Incling”

Kat Von D has written on Facebook and Twitter that she is “moving on” from her relationship with Jesse James, having discovered 19 women that he has cheated on her with, over the last year.  She realizes now that she should have seen the writing on the skin. 

The pair had bonded over their mutual love of tattoos, but apparently, Jesse was cheating before the ink was dry.

Nineteen different women?  That’s not just the lion’s share.  That’s more like Tiger’s share.

Kat tweeted about it extensively.  And when she got past 140 characters, she just tattooed the rest of the message on herself.

"Locker oUt" or "School Budgets Won't Foot Lockers"

In a new space and money-saving trend, trend many high schools are getting rid of lockers.  With electronic books and laptops replacing textbooks and notebooks, the change makes sense in many districts, but leaves questions like, without lockers, where will students put things like jackets, backpacks, and nerds?

Critics say getting rid of lockers is making high school just like riding on an airplane.  You have to keep your cell phone turned off, hold your coat in your lap, and hide your weed in your underwear for 6 straight hours. 

"A Different World"

At the University of Southern Mississippi, a group of white sorority girls dressed for an 80’s-themed costume party caused a flap by wearing blackface make-up, dressed as the Huxtable family from The Cosby Show.  

Although, to be fair, to many people, the students dressed as two oldest Huxtable daughters still looked white.

Neither the university nor the national office for the sorority find the situation at all amusing, but that’s because this Huxtable family has no laugh track.

Bill Cosby was just disappointed that those girls who got themselves into college weren’t really black.

The students contend that they had no racist intentions and are very embarrassed.  When they said their faces were red, they were condemned by Native American groups.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

“My Big, Fat, Greek Government”

On Thursday, Lucas Papademos was named the new prime minister over a new interim government in Greece, and he immediately called for unity among Greeks.  Unfortunately, that just made most of Europe picture Greeks physically stuck together.

Many in the US have been unaware of the recent deadlock among Greece’s political players and the entities they represent.  In fact, when asked to name a Greek party, the most common answer among Americans is the Toga party.

“Two out of Three Ain’t Bad”

Texas Governor Rick Perry made a blunder in the Republican presidential debate Wednesday night, when trying to list the 3 federal agencies he has promised to eliminate, he cited the Departments of Education and Commerce, but could not recall the Dept. of Energy.  To remember, all he had to do was think of what his campaign has ran out of.

According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, Energy and Matter are the same thing, in different states.  The proof: Perry’s candidacy is no matter. 

Maybe in Texas, but not in different states.

Perry’s supporters have their own spin.  They say the Department of Energy is so unnecessary that it doesn’t even bear mentioning.

As governor of Texas, Perry never has to worry about remembering lists.  When he’s asked, “Should we flip the switch on this electric chair?” he just has to shake his head ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ 

After the debate, Perry was asked if he planned to continue to run, or would he step down.  Perry said that he is not stepping down; he still plans to host the Oscars.

“Eddie Out, Billy In”

Billy Crystal has accepted the role of host of the Academy Awards, replacing Eddie Murphy.  But Crystal will do one of Murphy’s planned bits: He’s going to get made-up to look and talk like an old Jewish guy.

With Crystal hosting, this year’s highlight will be when he forces Betty White to do one-armed push-ups.

Billy’s been out of the spotlight for a while.  In fact, when he was first announced as the host, people were overheard saying, “Billy Crystal?  Which one is that, the guy from Slingblade, or Hannah Montana’s Dad?”

Reaction to the news of Crystal hosting has really been mixed: some cheered, some scoffed, and Meg Ryan faked an orgasm.

"Locker Room Humor"

In a big move past co-ed dorms, Grinnell College in Iowa is now allowing gender-neutral locker rooms.  In so doing, they are attempting to elevate higher learning by making it more like an R-rated college movie.

It will be the first time guys will need a cold shower when they were already in the shower.

Critics warn that a co-ed locker room can only lead to one thing: a bunch of naked guys hanging around close to young women in tightly closed, body-length towels.

Some academics argue that many colleges already have co-ed locker rooms.  They’re called frat houses.

Male students who plan on spending a lot of time hanging around the co-ed locker waiting to see naked girls are invited to major in disappointment.

To go along with the policy change, Grinnell is also thinking of changing its name to Porno University. 

"Home Schooling"

On Thursday, Idaho’s Board of Education approved a measure requiring high school students to complete at least 2 credits online in order to graduate. Critics say more online courses cost teachers jobs, but those who fail to comply will be replaced with robots who will.

"Murphy's Law"

Eddie Murphy has withdrawn from his upcoming gig hosting the Academy Awards.  No, Murphy won’t be there.  Instead, the Oscars will be hosted by the Nutty Professor Sherman Klump’s hilarious, elderly grandmother (wink wink.) 

Murphy was scheduled to host, but it seems that 2 rich, old men made a bet to see if they could manipulate Murphy and Dan Aykroyd towards trading places.

"In the Red for Christmas"

The Obama administration is delaying and revisiting the so-called “Christmas tree tax”.  Conservatives say that this is what Obama means when he says he wants America to go green.

Obama still supports the fee, which is only 15 cents per tree, but Republicans can’t wait to chop it down.