A Duke University study concluded that children who live in an orphanages fare as well, physically and emotionally, as children in family homes. Upon hearing this, the Gosselins’ 8 children all moved to an orphanage.
The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.
The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.
This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.
Friday, December 18, 2009
“Going Green”
The United States, China, India, and South Africa reached an agreement at the United Nations Climate Change Conference on Friday. They pledged to combat global warming by burning billions of dollars.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
“Down Under Downloading”
The Australian government is set to introduce nationwide, mandatory Internet filtering to block access to certain types of content depicting violent or sexual crimes. The biggest shock so far is that Australia has a government.
The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.
The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.
Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.
The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.
The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.
Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.
“Plane as Day”
Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner made its first test flight from Washington state today. Despite two years of delays, it was still the closest to “on-time” scheduled passenger flight since 9/11.
“Cell Block”
Charles Barkley said that Tiger Woods changed the number of his cellular telephone the day after his now infamous car accident, and that tiger has not been in contact with many of his celebrity/athlete friends. In a related story, Tiger has been busy, having sex with a dozen mistresses.
Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.
Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.
Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.
Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.
Friday, December 11, 2009
“Jacksons’ Action”
The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty debuts this Sunday, featuring Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon Jackson. The A & E Network had decided to pick up the series based on the success of Hoarders, their other reality show about people who can’t let go and just hang on to things forever, no matter how old and useless they’ve become.
The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.
Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.
The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.
Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.
“Carolina Governor’s Marriage Goes South”
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny has filed for divorce, following the governor’s summer scandal over an affair with an Argentinean woman. Upon hearing the news, Tiger Woods prepared to make his move on her.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
“Mouse House Arrest”
Patrick Disney Miller, a grandson of Walt Disney, was arrested at his home on Thursday for illegal gun possession and for selling ammunition. Disney Miller described jail as “The Unhappiest Place on Earth.”
The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.
Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.
The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.
Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.
“Forgetting a Bad Memory”
NYU Scientists seeking treatment options for post traumatic stress say that they have discovered a way to change the response to fearful memories. It’s called alcohol.
What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.
What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.
“Peace of the Action”
In his speech in Oslo, Norway Thursday, President Barack Obama defended the 2 current U.S. wars as he accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was also then awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.
As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.
As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
“WHO Knows”
The World Health Organization says that smoking kills 5 million people every year. The tobacco industry’s reply is that millions of customers are not only satisfied; they are completely at peace.
Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.
Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.
“Is It In You?”
Gatorade announced Tuesday that they were dropping their Tiger Woods-themed line of sports drinks. This is a real setback for Tiger, not just financially, but physically, since now we know how much he has been losing fluids.
Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.
Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.
And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.
Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.
Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.
And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.
“Cosmetic Justice” or “Making Up Evidence”
A neo-Nazi on trial for murder in Florida is having court-ordered makeup applied to his face each day to cover a large swastika and other offensive tattoos, so as not to prejudice the jury. Said one legal analyst, “If the mascara doesn’t make his eyes pop, the electric chair will.”
As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”
As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”
“Caged In”
Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriend is suing the movie star for millions of dollars for failing to provide her with money and a house. People who saw Cage’s films Knowing, Next, and National Treasure: Book of Secrets are also suing him for failing to provide entertainment.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
“Sex Crimes”
The country of Uganda is considering a measure to outlaw homosexuality with harsh punishments, including prison sentences for those “aiding and abetting” gays as accessories to their “crimes.” The bill is promoting outrage, as everyone knows that gays need their accessories.
“Partying Down”
The National Highway Traffic safety commission says drunk driving fatalities dropped 7% in just one year. That’s because working people can’t afford booze and the unemployed got their cars repossessed.
The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.
The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.
“Epic Episcopal Vote”
The Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles has elected its second openly gay bishop, a lesbian reverend. Episcopalians opposing gay bishops have been assured that their numbers will not grow out of proportion. Especially since the gay male and female bishops refuse to mate.
In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.
In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.
Monday, December 7, 2009
“Space Case”
The first commercial spaceship in history was unveiled Monday by Virgin Galactic. Owner Sir Richard Branson had chosen the company’s name to honor all science geeks who ever tried to build their own spaceship.
Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.
Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.
Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.
Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
“Santa’s Slay”
A suburban mall near Atlanta was evacuated Wednesday after a man who showed up dressed in elf costume told the mall’s Santa that he was carrying dynamite. The man was arrested for making terrorist threats, meaning he will be on a Homeland Security Watchlist, which Santa will check twice.
Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.
A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.
The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.
The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.
After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.
Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.
A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.
The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.
The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.
After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.
“Boyle Blows Up”
Singer Susan Boyle’s first album, I Dreamed a Dream, debuted at number 1 on the U.S. album charts, also becoming the top first-week seller of 2009. Experts attribute her success to fans confusing her with the title character in Shrek, The Musical.
Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.
Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.
Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.
Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.
Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.
Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.
“Homily Heckling”
A comedy club in a Texas strip mall and their next door neighbor, a church, are having a dispute over noise from the church’s night-time services. What bothers the comics most is that the services are often funnier than the comics.
To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.
To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.
“Wrapped in Cable”
Cable giant Comcast is taking control of NBC Universal, making them the largest entertainment company in America. Comcast’s first goal is to gradually turn NBC into a television network.
Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.
Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
“Start Spreading the News”
New York State’s legislature rejected a bill to allow gay marriage in the state on Wednesday. The bill died in the state Senate, with 24 “yea” votes and 38 “Eh, fugget-about-it” votes.
New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.
Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.
Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.
New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.
Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.
Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.
“Money in the Bank”
Bank of America says it will pay back the $5 billion it received in federal bailout money amid controversy of its use of assets, including million-dollar-plus cash “awards’ for executives. B of A will then charge every U.S. taxpayer a massive fee for handling their money for them.
Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.
Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.
Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.
Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.
“Star’s Out”
Astronomers in Germany this week published reports of observing a supernova of a massive star with the mass of 200 of our suns; an event on a scale never before seen. The star blew up with so much force and velocity, to be so widely seen, it will be named ‘Taylor Swift.’
Monday, November 30, 2009
“Dinner Roll”
The House Homeland Security Committee and the Secret Service are investigating to learn how a couple without an invitation slipped in to a state dinner last week. So far, the investigation has only revealed the couple’s identity: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.
The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.
Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.
The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.
“Tiger Attack”
Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his house late Friday night. Woods claims it happened because he didn’t have a caddy to help him get a better driver.
Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.
Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.
Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.
Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.
“Primate Crime”
In a coastal town in South Africa, tourists have routinely been having their cars broken into by baboons seeking food. The problem has recently grown worse, as some baboons have become more aggressive, joined gangs, or resorted to prostitution.
Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.
The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.
Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.
The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.
NEW BABY!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. My family did, I'm proud to say, as we welcomed a new baby girl, Ariella Rivka on November 20th.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
“Plane Language”
An FAA software failure Thursday morning caused dozens of flight delays across the country. Passengers who faced flight cancellations and long waits got some relief from the distraction of huge stupid fees for checking their luggage.
The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.
The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.
“Big Money On Campus”
University of California students gathered on campuses Thursday to protest the approval of a 32% hike in student fees. Students are angry at the university; some about the money, but most because they can’t figure out the math.
“Lit Kerry Scene”
Senator John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra Kerry was arrested for alleged drunk driving late Wednesday night in Hollywood. LAPD could tell it was Kerry’s daughter by her driving: she had a substantial lead on them, but blew it by veering too far to the left.
Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.
Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.
“Oprah’s Swan Song”
On Friday, TV icon Oprah Winfrey will announce plans to end her eponymous talk show in 2011. This means one thing: the Mayans prediction of the end of the world in 2012 was only off by 1 year.
While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.
It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.
Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.
Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.
While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.
It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.
Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.
Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
“Day of the Depp”
Johnny Depp ranked at the top of the list to be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time Wednesday. Ranking at the bottom: Susan Boyle.
It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.
Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.
It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.
Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.
“Senior Senator”
This week, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia became the longest serving member of Congress in history, with almost 57 years at the Capitol. In all that time, he has helped to pass almost 3 pieces of useful legislation.
Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.
Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.
“Stripped of their Rights”
California’s Department of Parks and Recreation is forcing San Onofre State Beach goers to cover up, in a departure from a long-standing but unofficial acceptance of nude sunbathing. Park rangers are on the lookout for naked butts in what we’re calling “Operation Crackdown.”
In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”
The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.
The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.
Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.
In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”
The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.
The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.
Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
“Residence Hurl”
A new study says that college students who live in coed dorms are far more likely to drink to excess regularly than students in single sex dorms. The coed dorm students also complain that their classes sometimes interfere with their drinking schedule.
The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.
The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.
“Health Issues Unwrapped”
Imaging tests on Egyptian mummies showed that hart disease was as common 3500 years ago as it is today. Life expectancy was significantly shorter—averaging less than 50 years, leading anthropologists to think ancient Egypt only had HMO’s.
Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.
Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.
The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.
Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.
Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.
The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.
“Christmas Corral”
This holiday season, Santas at malls and other photo op locations are asking to be designated as a priority group for flu vaccine due to their high exposure with children. As everyone knows, the highest H1N1mortality risks are infants, the elderly, and elves.
Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.
Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.
Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.
Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.
“Lost Remote”
Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.
“Chinese Secret”
President Obama’s speech from Shanghai about censorship was not seen by most of China, due to their government’s last minute scrapping of a planned live broadcast. But a heavily edited version will be preserved in China’s Temple of Irony.
“Turtle Whacks”
Scientists say that Costa Rica’s leatherback sea turtles are being threatened with extinction. Sadly, the ones who survive destruction of their environment often wind up as leather slaves.
Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.
Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.
“Wrapped up in a Bow”
The president has come under heavy fire from critics over bowing to Japan’s Emperor Akihito last weekend. The White House says he wasn’t bowing, he was just trying to duck some of that constant heavy fire.
Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.
Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.
Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.
Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.
Friday, November 13, 2009
“Down in the Mumps”
Doctors are reporting an increase in cases of the mumps here in the U.S. They explain that since most people’s income levels have regressed to the 1970’s, diseases have simply followed suit.
“Lunar Tide” or “Splashdown”
NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, areas right around the craters skyrocketed in price as beach-front real estate.
Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.
Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.
Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.
Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.
“Get a Wing Man”
A drop in chicken production has resulted in a shortage of chicken wings. This tragic situation means that televised football will be proportionally less enjoyable.
Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.
Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.
Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.
Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
“Smoke Up”
The CDCP reports that smoking has risen in the U.S. for the first time in 15 years. To lower the rate, the government will try to get the cast of Mad Men to finish filming their scenes in fewer takes.
A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.
A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.
“Busted Balloon”
Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “balloon boy” parents, accepted a plea bargain to avaid Mrs. Heenes’ deportation to Japan, and will serve probation for their helium balloon hoax. Japan would have been rough because they lack the funds to pretend their kid was kidnapped by a 300-ft. prehistoric monster.
“Intro to Economics”
A North Carolina middle school planned a fundraiser offering students 20 points to apply to test grades for a $20 donation. The plan has been cancelled by administrators, though it might have been a good testing program, since any student paying the 20 bucks is obviously stupid.
The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.
A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.
The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.
A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.
“Pageant Interview”
Former Miss California Carrie Prejean stopped her TV interview on Larry King Live last night, when Larry asked questions about her settlement with the Miss USA Pageant. In fairness to Carrie, no one goes on Larry King expected to answer actual questions.
Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.
When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.
Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.
When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.
“Chasing Crawford”
Cindy Crawford and her husband were reported to have been the intended victims of an extortion plot using a photo of their 7 year old daughter. Police caught the man behind it by infiltrating his scheme using a mole.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
“Trash Talk” or “Struck Gold”
In New Jersey, sanitation workers found a reported lost wedding ring under 10 tons of trash after it had been accidentally discarded. In New Jersey, it’s easy to find a wedding ring buried in a landfill. Just look for the dead mob informant whose finger it’s on.
“Worth the Weight”
A Miami baby born at only 4 months gestation and weighing only 1 lb., 1 oz. is now thriving at 8 months old and weighing 12 lbs. As if to prove how normal her life has become, the women’s fashion industry is already telling her that she has gotten fat.
“Uniform Support”
Today is Veterans’ Day, so don’t forget to show your appreciation for all the men and women of our Armed Forces. That is, if Obama ever really lets them come back from Afghanistan and Iraq.
“Black Tuesday”
A mysterious blackout affected 70 million people in the nation of Brazil Tuesday night, leaving Rio de Janeiro and half the country without electricity for 4 hours. Looking to pull out the root cause, Brazilian officials are leaving no area un-waxed.
“Looking towards the Heavens”
The Vatican has begun working with scientists to explore the possibility of intelligent, extra-terrestrial life. When asked why, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Well, I’m bored, and we haven’t had any Crusades in a long time.”
If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?
Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.
If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?
Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
“Eagle Wants to Fly?”
Michael Vick is reportedly unhappy to be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles since his return to the NFL and may want to try to go to another team. Some say, however, that he should just let sleeping dogs lie.
“Gifted Program”
A survey revealed this week that companies plan to cut back on holiday gifts for employees this year. Finally, some bad news that has no effect on the 10% of the country that are unemployed.
Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.
In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.
Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.
In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.
“6-Inch Sub Stop”
In Boston, a subway train made a dramatic emergency stop inches in front of a drunk woman who fell on the tracks. The incident was caught on video and quickly went viral online. As a result, balloon-hoax dad Richard Heene is now trying to adopt her.
Monday, November 9, 2009
“Give it a Rest”
Citing financial woes, many states’ departments of transportation are shutting down highway rest areas. This could create a real hardship for both business travelers and parents looking to have anonymous sex with truck-drivers.
State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.
State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.
“Wrath of Conn.”
Connecticut governor M. Jodi Rell announced this week that she will not run for re-election in 2010. As a Republican, she chose to announce it now instead of having the obligatory sleazy affair with a prostitute or a South American woman.
In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”
Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.
…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”
Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.
FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.
…Or sooner.
In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”
Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.
…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”
Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.
FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.
…Or sooner.
“Bear it All”
China has sent an expert to Taiwan to assist in panda breeding. Despite our own national interest in pandas, the U.S. sent no one, since our culture frowns of human sex with animals.
The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.
To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.
The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.
To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
“Up-Grade Dressed Down” or “Class War”
A man with a first-class upgrade on United Airlines was denied his seat in that section because he was wearing a track suit. Apparently, United felt it would be better if the man tried on a lawsuit.
The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.
To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.
The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.
To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.
“Pilots Excuse: Miles Off Course”
The two pilots who lost their licenses after they overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles are both appealing their case with the NTSB, or National Transportation Safety Board. It’s expected that when they show up for their hearing, they’ll miss the NTSB building by 150 miles.
The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.
Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.
It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.
Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.
On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.
The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.
The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.
Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.
It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.
Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.
On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.
The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.
“On Top of Spaghetti…”
A New Hampshire restaurant set a world record Sunday for making the world’s biggest meatball, which weighed in at 222.5 lbs. Or, as Oprah Winfrey calls it, an appetizer.
Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.
Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
“Gilded Cage”
It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage, who has recently waged a public battle with financial problems and tax liens, may have eccentric spending to blame. Cage has bought and paid for 2 islands, a castle, 50 cars, a jet, a yacht, a pair of King Cobras, and a dinosaur skull… but surprisingly, not acting lessons.
Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.
Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.
“Mayoral Race”
In London, Mayor Boris Johnson answered a woman’s call for help as she was about to be attacked by a gang of teen girls, rescuing her before any could do her harm with an iron bar. As an Englishman, all he had to do scare them off was show his teeth.
American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.
The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.
American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.
The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.
“In the Host Seat”
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been named co-hosts of the 2010 Academy Awards. Producers want the annual gala to be fun and entertaining for everyone, so Martin will not be allowed to play the banjo, and Baldwin will not be allowed to talk to his daughter.
Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.
Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.
“Caged Bird” or “Grand Theft, Ottowa”
On Wednesday, a man who stole a plane in Canada and flew it to Missouri was sentenced to 2 years in federal prison. Some say that’s harsh. Usually, entering the U.S. illegally gets you free school and healthcare.
The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?
The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?
“Cell Block”
Verizon Wireless is doubling its early termination fee to $350. The company claims that the move is really a form of customer service, because it saves people the trouble of asking their customers why they don’t have an iPhone yet.
Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”
Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
“Buffett Right on Track”
Billionaire investor Warren Buffet has acquired Burlington Northern Sante Fe, the nation’s second largest railroad. Some say this shows Buffett’s confidence in the economy, but really, he just knows people are going to need box cars to live in.
Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.
Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.
When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?
Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.
Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.
When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?
“Justice Is Blind, but Not Colorblind”
The Louisiana justice of the peace who refused to marry an interracial couple a couple weeks ago resigned Tuesday. Despite stepping down from his post, Justice Bardwell promises to still be an outspoken racist.
The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.
The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.
The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.
The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.
“Gay Issues in the Maine-Stream”
In Maine, voters will decide today on a referendum to approve or repeal a law allowing gay marriage. Voting against the bill: gay married people.
Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.
A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.
Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.
Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.
A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.
Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.
Friday, October 30, 2009
“Farrell Child”
Actor Colin Farrell has a new baby boy, named Henry. The baby’s weight and length were not released, but he is already smoking 2 packs a day.
Colin proudly announced that his newborn son “already says the word ‘f*ck’ in place of crying like a little sissy.”
Colin proudly announced that his newborn son “already says the word ‘f*ck’ in place of crying like a little sissy.”
“Cher’s Daughter Now a Son-ny”
This week, Entertainment Tonight aired Chaz Bono’s first interview since his sex change. Now that the transformation is complete, Chaz has had almost as much plastic surgery as his mother Cher.
An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this was the first time Chaz ever wanted a penis.
Chaz has said that he always felt that he had a male identity. As far as going public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.
An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this was the first time Chaz ever wanted a penis.
Chaz has said that he always felt that he had a male identity. As far as going public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
“The ‘Get Out of Juvie Free’ Card”
Thousands of juvenile convictions were overturned today by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court, due to over $2.6 million in kickbacks paid to a former judge by builders and owners of 2 juvenile detention centers. So the kids will go free, but the judge will have this go down on his permanent record.
The imprisoned children were all simultaneously released by Indiana Jones once Short Round woke him out of his blood-drink induced zombie-trance by burning him with a torch.
The children who had been convicted got to learn a valuable lesson about crime. Sometimes, you can get off scot-free because of a crooked judge.
The imprisoned children were all simultaneously released by Indiana Jones once Short Round woke him out of his blood-drink induced zombie-trance by burning him with a torch.
The children who had been convicted got to learn a valuable lesson about crime. Sometimes, you can get off scot-free because of a crooked judge.
“Animal Magnetism”
The state of Tennessee is prosecuting its first 3 cases where charges stem from bestiality, one of them involving a sex act with a horse. The laws have been on the books for 2 years, but someone is finally pulling in the reins.
Once case involves a man and woman having sexual contact with a dog. They claim that a dog is man’s best friend-with-benefits.
Due TO laws banning animal sex being enforced, a lot more Tennessee residents are going to be making day trips to Kentucky.
The law makes it a felony to engage in any sexual activity with any animal. As a side effect, Tennessee has probably seen the last of Richard Gere and his gerbils.
Animal rights advocates have been divided. Overall they support the laws’ enforcement, but they say it unfairly discriminates against the nature of the horny toad.
In the case involving the horse, the accused insists that by wearing that leather saddle and short, teasing mini-blanket, the horse was “just asking for it.”
Of the 3 pending cases in the state, 1 horse and 2 dogs were involved, making the sheep think they must not be pretty enough.
These types of crimes are considered animal cruelty. If there is a lesson here, it is, “Love your pets… platonically.”
Once case involves a man and woman having sexual contact with a dog. They claim that a dog is man’s best friend-with-benefits.
Due TO laws banning animal sex being enforced, a lot more Tennessee residents are going to be making day trips to Kentucky.
The law makes it a felony to engage in any sexual activity with any animal. As a side effect, Tennessee has probably seen the last of Richard Gere and his gerbils.
Animal rights advocates have been divided. Overall they support the laws’ enforcement, but they say it unfairly discriminates against the nature of the horny toad.
In the case involving the horse, the accused insists that by wearing that leather saddle and short, teasing mini-blanket, the horse was “just asking for it.”
Of the 3 pending cases in the state, 1 horse and 2 dogs were involved, making the sheep think they must not be pretty enough.
These types of crimes are considered animal cruelty. If there is a lesson here, it is, “Love your pets… platonically.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
“Departed Department”
Wal-Mart has begun selling coffins and urns on its website. Their own employees without healthcare may prove to be their best customers.
Some say it’s not a good match. Shopping at Wal-mart doesn’t even preserve the dignity of the living.
Wal-Mart expects to do well with the product line, which allows for returns of the items if they are new, but not if they are used.
The company thinks selling online makes the most sense, because it isn’t something you need to try on.
It makes sense for the business and the grieving family. Their motto is, “Your loss is our sales gain.”
Also, buying online is a lot less awkward than pushing a cart up to the register with a casket, a blender, and a box of condoms.
A Wal-Mart casket might be a smart consumer choice, but it does put a morbid spin on the stores “Faded Glory” brand.
When you get the casket delivered, it is ready to use. You just have to peel off the “Roll-back” sticker.
The retailer has a nice selection of quality urns, but if even these are too pricey, you can always check out cheaper options in the lawn and garden department.
Some say it’s not a good match. Shopping at Wal-mart doesn’t even preserve the dignity of the living.
Wal-Mart expects to do well with the product line, which allows for returns of the items if they are new, but not if they are used.
The company thinks selling online makes the most sense, because it isn’t something you need to try on.
It makes sense for the business and the grieving family. Their motto is, “Your loss is our sales gain.”
Also, buying online is a lot less awkward than pushing a cart up to the register with a casket, a blender, and a box of condoms.
A Wal-Mart casket might be a smart consumer choice, but it does put a morbid spin on the stores “Faded Glory” brand.
When you get the casket delivered, it is ready to use. You just have to peel off the “Roll-back” sticker.
The retailer has a nice selection of quality urns, but if even these are too pricey, you can always check out cheaper options in the lawn and garden department.
“Less Air”
U.S. Airways has announced that they are cutting 1,000 jobs. Cutting flight attendants was inevitable, since there are no more in-flight meals, pillows, or blankets; all they do is hand out earphones to passengers who don’t have an iPod.
In an act of mercy, laid-off employees will be allowed to stay on the plane they are on until it lands.
Northwest airlines made no such announcement, but is keeping an eye on all pilots with scheduled flights to Minneapolis.
In an act of mercy, laid-off employees will be allowed to stay on the plane they are on until it lands.
Northwest airlines made no such announcement, but is keeping an eye on all pilots with scheduled flights to Minneapolis.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
MILESTONE
As of today, there are over 2500 jokes on this blog!
Thanks to all my loyal and disloyal readers.
Please keep coming back.
Or better yet, hire me.
Thanks to all my loyal and disloyal readers.
Please keep coming back.
Or better yet, hire me.
“Pilots’ Story: Not Gonna Fly”
The FAA revoked the licenses of the 2 pilots whose Northwest Airlines flight overshot Minneapolis last week by 150 miles. Even worse, without a license, the pilots now have to walk all the way back to Minneapolis.
The pilots will now change careers and become ship captains for Exxon.
The pilots were out of radio contact for over an hour and are believed to have fallen asleep, but they’ve come up with some interesting excuses for missing their landing:
“We thought we were being followed so we were afraid to stop.”
“It was supposed to be a shortcut, but it didn’t work out.”
“We had a good CD on and wanted hear the whole album.”
“There was no exit sign.”
“I meant to hit the ‘snooze’ button, but accidentally turned off the whole alarm.”
“We got lost and someone refused to ask for directions.”
“The brakes went out, so we threw the radio at them.”
“The clouds up there were really pretty, and we were really high.”
“We prepaid for a full tank of fuel.”
“The passengers said we were such great pilots, they didn’t want to flight to end.”
“The guys in the radio tower hurt our feelings so we weren’t speaking to them.”
“We were caught in an alien tractor beam.”
“We spent that hour trying to decide if we should go through with our suicide pact.”
“I promised myself I wouldn’t land the plane until I worked up the nerve to ask out that hot flight attendant.”
“You call it a missing hour; we pilots call it ‘Happy Hour’, dude.”
“We were flying so fast that it took 150 miles to stop.”
“We didn’t know the tower was calling us because we didn’t realize we’d switched the radio to the AM dial.”
“We’re huge ‘Lost,” fans and we were trying to reenact the flight of Oceanic 815.”
“We figured if a runaway flight hoax could get Balloon Boy’s family on TV, a real runaway flight could get us on TV for sure.”
“We lost track of time while we were making sweet, sweet love.”
“Heavy News”
A new medical study says that psychiatric drugs often used to treat children have a common side effect of causing weight-gain of 10 to 20 lbs. in under 11 weeks. The situation only gets worse when young people with mental illness who become obese wind up trying crazy diets.
Many of such drugs have been in wide use among children, and they are only getting wider.
Some of the patients treated with these drugs may now file a fat lawsuit.
When patients treated for bipolar disorder realized their recent weight gain wasn’t their fault, they were thrilled and depressed.
Ideally, these medications should be limited to treat anorexia.
Some experts are against the use of these drugs to treat behavioral problems, and the kids in these cases really tip the scales.
On average, up to 36% of those taking these drugs suffered this side effect. Among those with multiple personalities, it was at least double.
Many of such drugs have been in wide use among children, and they are only getting wider.
Some of the patients treated with these drugs may now file a fat lawsuit.
When patients treated for bipolar disorder realized their recent weight gain wasn’t their fault, they were thrilled and depressed.
Ideally, these medications should be limited to treat anorexia.
Some experts are against the use of these drugs to treat behavioral problems, and the kids in these cases really tip the scales.
On average, up to 36% of those taking these drugs suffered this side effect. Among those with multiple personalities, it was at least double.
Friday, October 23, 2009
“Baby on Board”
A passenger on an AirAsia flight from Borneo went into labor and delivered a baby boy onboard, before landing in Malaysia. The airline immediately charged extra money for the little bundle of baggage.
Needless to say, things got a bit chaotic. For instance, airline personnel weren’t sure if the placenta should count as a carry-on or a personal item.
The mother says that the airplane’s crew members were very helpful, and they even let her choose whether to stow the baby under her seat on in the overhead bin.
When the mother’s water broke, the crew informed her she could be arrested for bringing more than 3 oz. of liquid on the plane.
Just as the plane dropped its landing gear, so did the mother.
Despite the pre-flight instructions, the baby found that the nearest exit was, in fact directly in front of him.
The woman’s labor might have been easier if the flight attendants hadn’t forced her to keep her chair back in its full, upright position.
Of course, if the woman had stayed in an upright position, she never would have gotten pregnant in the first place.
The baby came out of the womb just as the plane descended into a low-altitude landing pattern, giving a new meaning to lowering the flaps.
Until the plane came to a complete stop, the baby kept his umbilical cord securely fastened about his waist.
Due to the airspeed, this was the first baby to ever come out at 300 miles per hour.
Needless to say, things got a bit chaotic. For instance, airline personnel weren’t sure if the placenta should count as a carry-on or a personal item.
The mother says that the airplane’s crew members were very helpful, and they even let her choose whether to stow the baby under her seat on in the overhead bin.
When the mother’s water broke, the crew informed her she could be arrested for bringing more than 3 oz. of liquid on the plane.
Just as the plane dropped its landing gear, so did the mother.
Despite the pre-flight instructions, the baby found that the nearest exit was, in fact directly in front of him.
The woman’s labor might have been easier if the flight attendants hadn’t forced her to keep her chair back in its full, upright position.
Of course, if the woman had stayed in an upright position, she never would have gotten pregnant in the first place.
The baby came out of the womb just as the plane descended into a low-altitude landing pattern, giving a new meaning to lowering the flaps.
Until the plane came to a complete stop, the baby kept his umbilical cord securely fastened about his waist.
Due to the airspeed, this was the first baby to ever come out at 300 miles per hour.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
“Service on the Mount”
The National Park Service says that Mount Rushmore’s security system is insufficient. To scare off potential threats, the heads of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln will be fitted with giant sunglasses and earpieces.
Jefferson and Roosevelt may even go undercover, since most Americans don’t recognize those two anyway.
Apparently, graffiti artists have already drawn a silly, giant moustache on Roosevelt and a ridiculous beard on Lincoln.
Jefferson and Roosevelt may even go undercover, since most Americans don’t recognize those two anyway.
Apparently, graffiti artists have already drawn a silly, giant moustache on Roosevelt and a ridiculous beard on Lincoln.
“Killer Fungi = Bad ‘Shrooms”
Biologists in Australia have confirmed the cause of the steady decline in the world’s frog population, a fungal infection that reduces electrolyte levels. Because of this, the frogs are demanding universal public healthcare.
The discovery of the true cause dispels another controversial theory that the frogs were being kissed by AIDS-infected princesses.
The disharmony in nature between the amphibians and this fungus has also resulted in a demand by both that no mushroom be called a toadstool.
This is the most serious amphibian disease since toads' congenital warts.
Sadly, even if a cure is found, frogs will continue to croak.
The discovery of the true cause dispels another controversial theory that the frogs were being kissed by AIDS-infected princesses.
The disharmony in nature between the amphibians and this fungus has also resulted in a demand by both that no mushroom be called a toadstool.
This is the most serious amphibian disease since toads' congenital warts.
Sadly, even if a cure is found, frogs will continue to croak.
“In the Driver’s Seat” or “Driving This Lazy”
A Minnesota man was found guilty of drunk driving after he hit a parked car with his motorized lounge chair. It’s the first instance of laying down the law on a recliner.
The man may have been eligible for handicapped parking. After all, he was in a wheel chair.
The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower engine, has headlights, a stereo, and cup holders. Most people in this country still wouldn’t want to drive one, though, because it was made in America.
The man may have been eligible for handicapped parking. After all, he was in a wheel chair.
The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower engine, has headlights, a stereo, and cup holders. Most people in this country still wouldn’t want to drive one, though, because it was made in America.
“Memory Drug”
A new study says that teens who use drugs may suffer from memory loss later in life. In a possibly related story, teens who use drugs may suffer from memory loss later in life.
In an experiment, researchers gave amphetamines to rats, and then forgot all about them.
In an experiment, researchers gave amphetamines to rats, and then forgot all about them.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
“Motivationary Speaker”
Former President George W. Bush has been booked as the special guest speaker at a “Get Motivated” business seminar in Fort Worth, TX. Many Bush fans plan to attend to hear him speak, and even more Bush critics plan to attend to see if he can speak.
Bush is a logical choice at a motivational event. After all, if he could become the President of the United States, surely anyone can.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also attend the event, likely to help Bush with things like remembering to face the audience, not to wander offstage while speaking, and go to the bathroom before the speech, or after, but not during.
Bush agreed to the appearance because he loves his native Texas and likes the word “seminar.”
Bush is a logical choice at a motivational event. After all, if he could become the President of the United States, surely anyone can.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also attend the event, likely to help Bush with things like remembering to face the audience, not to wander offstage while speaking, and go to the bathroom before the speech, or after, but not during.
Bush agreed to the appearance because he loves his native Texas and likes the word “seminar.”
“Wants to be Wanted”
A suspected drug captain and killer on the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list has changed his appearance to elude capture. He has had plastic surgery and changed his fingerprints. The FBI understands the facial surgery, but was surprised by the breast implants.
On the bright side, the suspect feels prettier now and prefers to be called “Kimberly.”
The alleged criminal and gang leader, whose name is Eduardo Revelo, even went so far as to get a tattoo that says “Not Eduardo Revelo.”
The FBI says he is also laundering money, but as the clock is ticking, he may get impatient and take it out before the rinse cycle is done.
On the bright side, the suspect feels prettier now and prefers to be called “Kimberly.”
The alleged criminal and gang leader, whose name is Eduardo Revelo, even went so far as to get a tattoo that says “Not Eduardo Revelo.”
The FBI says he is also laundering money, but as the clock is ticking, he may get impatient and take it out before the rinse cycle is done.
Monday, October 19, 2009
“Helium Delirium”
The Colorado family whose 6-year-old was though to be in a balloon last week may face charges over what authorities now believe to have been a hoax. Apparently, at the time, the alien spaceship-shaped balloon hadn’t been enough.
To escape arrest, the father, Richard Keene, will hide in the attic of his garage until he gets his own reality show.
If Keene does get his own show, instead of one based on his storm-chasing experiences, it will be called “Cell-Block of Love.”
Whether or not they actually broke any laws, the country’s attention is still on the family, and everyone thinks the father is a jerk. So, you’re welcome, Jon Gosselin.
To escape arrest, the father, Richard Keene, will hide in the attic of his garage until he gets his own reality show.
If Keene does get his own show, instead of one based on his storm-chasing experiences, it will be called “Cell-Block of Love.”
Whether or not they actually broke any laws, the country’s attention is still on the family, and everyone thinks the father is a jerk. So, you’re welcome, Jon Gosselin.
“Medicine Going to Pot”
The White House has reversed a Bush administration policy, and says that federal resources will not be used to prosecute medical marijuana cases in the 14 states where its use is legal. Mainly because it’s the only industry in the country that's doing well.
Statistically, this puts the United States at a new high.
If the federal government officially allows medical marijuana, there’s your healthcare solution, America.
Statistically, this puts the United States at a new high.
If the federal government officially allows medical marijuana, there’s your healthcare solution, America.
“Tough Talk on Tux”
A Mississippi girl is being denied a spot for her senior photo in her high school yearbook because she posed in a tuxedo rather than the customary drape for girls. Just renting the tuxedo on a credit card means formal charges.
Some say that, despite appearances, the tuxedo issue is not black and white.
The school officials who are against girls wearing tuxedos will next target tap dancing.
Some say that, despite appearances, the tuxedo issue is not black and white.
The school officials who are against girls wearing tuxedos will next target tap dancing.
“Department of Education” or “No Daughter Left Behind”
Barack and Michelle Obama went to their daughters’ parent teacher conferences at their respective schools this week. Since educators encourage parents to help kids with their homework, the girls’ teachers’ gave them an assignment to provide all Americans with healthcare, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and get us out of the recession.
“Cop Shots”
The FBI reports the lowest number of police officer deaths in at least 10 years. This proves that you can never find a cop when you want one.
The recession is being cited as the reason, since criminals can no longer afford shooting lessons.
Police credit better training, equipment like bullet-proof vests, and limiting the racism to the places where it’s still welcome.
The recession is being cited as the reason, since criminals can no longer afford shooting lessons.
Police credit better training, equipment like bullet-proof vests, and limiting the racism to the places where it’s still welcome.
Friday, October 16, 2009
“Balloon Blown Out of Proportion”
The Colorado family who’s 6-year old was believed to have gone up in a run-away helium balloon Thursday is being accused of staging a hoax. The family explained it wasn’t their son they thought got into the balloon; it was Bigfoot.
The family describes themselves as storm chasers. They just forgot to specify, “media storm.”
Naturally, the parents were glad their son was okay. But they are devastated over the damage to their fallen balloon.
When the boy was asked why he didn’t come out of the attic when called, he said “We did it for a show.” When pressed to find out what he meant, the boy finally admitted that his family was trying to get on So You Think You Can Hoax.
The family describes themselves as storm chasers. They just forgot to specify, “media storm.”
Naturally, the parents were glad their son was okay. But they are devastated over the damage to their fallen balloon.
When the boy was asked why he didn’t come out of the attic when called, he said “We did it for a show.” When pressed to find out what he meant, the boy finally admitted that his family was trying to get on So You Think You Can Hoax.
“Green Light District”
A legal brothel in Germany is offering a discount to customers who bike or use public transit to get there. Of course, if a man has to bike or ride the bus, it explains why he wasn’t getting laid in the first place.
The brothel says they are trying to go green. Customers who got a really ugly prostitute also reported turning green.
The downside for byciclists traveling to the brothel is that now they have to do twice as much pumping.
Environmental prostitutes in Germany seem to be a contradiction. If a frog with a German name, Kermit, taught us anything, it’s that being green means not being easy.
The brothel says they are trying to go green. Customers who got a really ugly prostitute also reported turning green.
The downside for byciclists traveling to the brothel is that now they have to do twice as much pumping.
Environmental prostitutes in Germany seem to be a contradiction. If a frog with a German name, Kermit, taught us anything, it’s that being green means not being easy.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
“Big Gay Boat Ride”
A husband and wife are suing Italy’s Grimaldi cruise line after being booked on a gay vacation cruise. The couple was embarrassed, they say, especially since they were the least fashionable and worst dancers on the ship.
The couple realized that they had accidentally been booked on a gay cruise after meeting several men in sailing uniforms, none of whom were part of the crew.
The name Grimaldi cruise Lines doesn’t automatically suggest a gay theme, but the name Princess Cruises was already taken.
The straight passengers had no complaints about the comfort or size of the ship; just the motion in the ocean.
It became obvious that it was a gay cruise when all the passengers inspected each other from bow to stern.
Because it was a gay cruise, passengers took Dramamine to absorb the drama.
There were dangers on the gay cruise. One passenger put on eyeliner, and next thing you know, dozens of gay witnesses say he went overboard.
The entire cruise was full of gay themed events. The only way it could have been more gay was if it had been Tom Cruise.
The couple realized that they had accidentally been booked on a gay cruise after meeting several men in sailing uniforms, none of whom were part of the crew.
The name Grimaldi cruise Lines doesn’t automatically suggest a gay theme, but the name Princess Cruises was already taken.
The straight passengers had no complaints about the comfort or size of the ship; just the motion in the ocean.
It became obvious that it was a gay cruise when all the passengers inspected each other from bow to stern.
Because it was a gay cruise, passengers took Dramamine to absorb the drama.
There were dangers on the gay cruise. One passenger put on eyeliner, and next thing you know, dozens of gay witnesses say he went overboard.
The entire cruise was full of gay themed events. The only way it could have been more gay was if it had been Tom Cruise.
“Who’s to Judge?”
A Louisiana justice of the peace refused a marriage license to a white woman and black man wanting to get married on the grounds of their race. The judge claims not to discriminate based on color, as evidenced by his willingness to cast aside his black robe in favor of a white, hooded one.
The judge says he has black friends, allows them into his home, and even lets them use his bathroom. This teaches an important lesson: some white-trash-owned trailers have a bathroom.
One of the most outrageous things about this case is that there are black people who are out there trying to be friends with this guy.
The judge says his concern is that mixed race children aren’t accepted in society. Actually, when it comes to color, the only offspring that should be prevented are from someone who is mostly white, but whose neck is red.
The judge says he has black friends, allows them into his home, and even lets them use his bathroom. This teaches an important lesson: some white-trash-owned trailers have a bathroom.
One of the most outrageous things about this case is that there are black people who are out there trying to be friends with this guy.
The judge says his concern is that mixed race children aren’t accepted in society. Actually, when it comes to color, the only offspring that should be prevented are from someone who is mostly white, but whose neck is red.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
“Tool Board”
The Delaware School Board reduced the suspension of first grader who brought a camping tool to school that has a fork, knife, and spoon. Despite officials concerns about weapons in schools, they’re just glad to have 1 student who knows how to use utensils instead of eating with his hands.
Apparently, public outcry over the boy’s initial 45-day suspicion caused the board to reconsider, and even overlook the bottle-opener the six year old might use to uncap beer.
Prior to this, the school board was so concerned about what could be construed as a weapon, they had resorted to dulling all students’ scissors, pencils, and minds.
Apparently, public outcry over the boy’s initial 45-day suspicion caused the board to reconsider, and even overlook the bottle-opener the six year old might use to uncap beer.
Prior to this, the school board was so concerned about what could be construed as a weapon, they had resorted to dulling all students’ scissors, pencils, and minds.
“One Small Step for Woman”
A physiology report reveals that women who were candidates for NASA’s Mercury space program tested as well as the men, but the 1960’s program was cancelled before any women got to become astronauts. Still, the women agree that the male pilots were just as smart as the first Americans in space: the chimpanzees.
If women had been allowed into space in the 1960’s think what it might have meant. Instead of just orbiting the Earth in a circle, a male pilot would have been forced to pull over and ask directions.
Immediately after Neil Armstrong made the first footprint on the moon, he would have been forced to clean it up.
The moon rover would never have been allowed to just sit there, unmoving, on the front lawn for years.
The payload of every space shuttle mission would have had a lot of extra pairs of shoes.
Spacewalks might not ever be an issue, though, because those space suits make everybody’s butt look big.
If women had been allowed into space in the 1960’s think what it might have meant. Instead of just orbiting the Earth in a circle, a male pilot would have been forced to pull over and ask directions.
Immediately after Neil Armstrong made the first footprint on the moon, he would have been forced to clean it up.
The moon rover would never have been allowed to just sit there, unmoving, on the front lawn for years.
The payload of every space shuttle mission would have had a lot of extra pairs of shoes.
Spacewalks might not ever be an issue, though, because those space suits make everybody’s butt look big.
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