Wednesday, September 29, 2010

“Driving Fuel Economy”

The Obama administration is proposing new auto fuel efficiency rules for the future this week that may require car companies to meet an average standard of 60 miles to the gallon by the year 2025. Automakers’ plan so far: drive a car that gets 30 mpg halfway to your destination and walk the rest of the way.

Car companies will be forced to make more hybrids, develop efficient electric plug-ins, and will unveil their long anticipated Wile E. Coyote super-rubber-band cars.

Due to some confusion, engineers are now desperately trying to figure out how to make an entirely electric car use up a gallon of gasoline after 60 miles.

“Hot Oil”

A number of companies that collect and sell recycled cooking oil from restaurants are increasingly having their product stolen by grease thieves who sometimes pose as subcontractors. The so-called grease thieves were last seen driving a classic car with a Palomino dashboard and duel muffler twins, oh yeah…

Police are confident they will catch the grease thieves, saying that sooner or later, they’ll slip up.

Asked what should happen to the oil thieves, a fast-food aficionado said, “I hope they fry.”

“Carter’s Worn Out”

Former President Jimmy Carter is in the hospital having suffered from air sickness. While traveling promoting his new book, even he got sick of his own hot air.

“Internet Revenue Service”

The IRS announced that they will no longer be sending tax packages and paper forms in the mail. In keeping with the times, they now want to screw you electronically.

Taxpayers can file for free on the IRS website,

IRS agents will be monitoring the electronically filed returns closely, mostly pissed off that they haven’t yet figured out a way to tax the Internet, itself.

The government claims that refunds will be issued much faster than with paper returns and paper checks being issued. Now, all they have to do is make a direct deposit in your account – right after they watch this adorable cat video on YouTube.

Eventually, the IRS may even move to Twitter, but they don’t want to have to limit the deductions they disallow to only 140.

Monday, September 27, 2010

“Segway to the Next World”

The man who owns the Segway personal vehicle company died in a freak accident over the weekend, when he drove one off a cliff. It was only last year that he had bought the company. This year, he bought the farm.

For his funeral, the hearse will have only 2 wheels.

In his memory, the next Segway model will be equipped with a new feature: brakes.

“Faded ‘Rose’”

Gloria Stuart, who played the elderly Rose in the James Cameron movie Titanic, died in Los Angeles at the age of 100. Apparently, she hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic.

“Floating a Balloon Plan” or “Inflated Military Budget”

The Pentagon is sending dozens of spy balloons to Afghanistan in order to spot insurgents. The balloons cost about $10 million each, so the military is being very strongly reminded not to let go of the string.

The spy balloons are effective due to their 10 to 15 mile-range cameras, plus they boost troops’ morale because the helium makes the soldiers’ voices sound hilarious.

“To the Max”

Conan O’Brien confirmed that Max Weinberg will not be the bandleader on Conan’s new TV show scheduled to debut in November. Apparently, NBC convinced TBS to give Jay Leno the job.

Andy Richter hasn’t commented, but only because he is rushing to learn to play the drums.

“La Bamba” may also not appear on TBS, but only because NBC says they own him as their intellectual property.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

“Get a Life – Boat”

A college student in Massachusetts has built a boat shaped like a couch. He built it for convenience: when not sailing, he needs a place to sleep until he can find a job.

If it sinks, the cushions can still be used as a flotation device.

He designed it for a mission of intrigue: Once he hits international waters, he’s going to remove the tags from the pillows.

“No Buns About It”

KFC is advertising their new bunless “Double Down” chicken sandwich on college campuses by hiring young women to wear snug-fitting sweatpants with the product name printed on the rear end. Now thousands of college guys can’t wait to eat them.

The National Organization for Women says this type of advertising sends the wrong message. This may be true, as many men who have seen women wearing these pants now want to have sex with fried chicken.

Some men aren’t that impressed with the chicken advertising on women’s backsides. They are assumed to be breast-men.

So, you have women advertising its product on their buns, and you have feminists who oppose the exploitation of those women’s buns. And it’s the men who are squeezed in between them.

Men who were asked if they were for or against using women’s bodies for ads admit that they would prefer to be against them.

“The Hoff Is Off”

David Hasselhoff was the first celebrity contestant voted off the new season of Dancing with the Stars this week. If you missed his performance, the only way his dancing could have looked more sloppy or pathetic was if he had tried to eat a cheeseburger.

His dancing was bad, but it could have been worse. At least he didn't sing. (Sorry Germany.)

The Hoff left with his dignity, though. He waved to his fans and then ran off in slow motion.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

“In the Old Days”

The world’s oldest man, Walter Breuning of Montana, celebrated his 114th birthday today. He likes to celebrate his birthdays with a couple of biscuits and a glass of sassafras. Which is old-people-talk for hookers and cocaine.

For his birthday wish, he’s like to see the whole world join hands and get the hell off his lawn.

Breuning can still walk and takes no medications except 1 baby aspirin. The aspirin is for pain from walking.

But he’s old enough that he remembers when baby aspirin were made out of real babies.

Breuning admits that at 114 he still has plenty to learn, like how do you work a remote control, and who the hell are you?

A reporter asked the 114-year-old what his favorite TV shows were. He answered popcorn, baked potato, and pizza, and then someone pointed out that he had been watching the microwave.

“Witchy Woman”;_ylt=ApAd0ouEru2Ztkx5hXLAF7xcr7t_;_ylu=X3oDMTQ2ZjlkaTZrBGFzc2V0Ay9zL2RhaWx5YmVhc3QvMTAwMjRfY2hyaXN0aW5lb2Rvbm5lbGxjb21tZW50c2JsYXN0ZWRieXdpdGNoZXMEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM0BHBvcwM0BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDd2ljY2Fuc2JsYXN0

The video clips of Christine O’Donnell’s 1999 comments about witchcraft have caused another uproar. Now, a Wiccan high priestess said she is upset with O’Donnell’s portrayal of negative stereotypes. Then she bit off a bat’s head and went back in her gingerbread house to cook some children.

“Department of Defensive”

The Senate bill to lift the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy failed to pass Tuesday. The GOP was afraid that if it passed, all gay Republicans would automatically be outted.

Also, Republicans thought that blocking the overturn of gay ban would turn all gays secretly serving in the military magically straight.

“In Japan”

Paris Hilton was detained in Tokyo while Japanese officials debated whether or not to allow her into the country. Her recent drug charge plea in Las Vegas, means immigration authorities could deny her entry. But really, it’s just that the Japanese just have higher cultural standards than the U.S..

It would be ironic if Japan denied Paris entry, because Paris has ever denied anyone entry.

“Nicotine Is a Drug”

San Francisco is trying to ban the sale of tobacco products at all stores containing pharmacies. That strategy may not help dissuade smoking; keeping tobacco users out of stores where they might consult someone knowledgeable about the effects of drugs.

To reduce smoking, a smarter move would be to ban the sale of cigarettes in all stores that sell lighters.

Make them walk down the street to the other store. They’d be wheezing so much by the time they walked a couple of blocks, they might just say ‘forget it.’

“Exe-Deus Machina”

A National Center for Atmospheric Research study simulated the biblical parting of the Red Sea using computer simulations, providing a scientific explanation for how it may have been possible. The religious debate continues, though; some say God parted the sea using Moses as his vessel, while others believe it was Charlton Heston.

Monday, September 20, 2010

“Lohan Law”

A judge issued a warrant for the arrest of Lindsay Lohan following her failing a mandatory drug test. Another arrest for Lohan was inevitable; everybody likes to see Hollywood star s reprise the role they are most famous for.

Lindsay will, of course, have the right to remain silent, but anything obscene she writes on her fingernails will be used against her in a court of law.

“A Picture is Worth…” or "Frame Up"

Kodak has launched a new picture frame product where they create instant photo collages at their instant print kiosks. But they will only make the collages for their very, very bestest friends.

“Panda Bears a Panda Bear” or “Giant Panda has Tiny Giant”

An American-born giant panda gave birth to her 8th cub in China Friday. The baby will be named after its mother, and will be called, “Slutty.”

“Witch Candidate?”

Delaware's Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is taking a lot of heat for her comments that have surfaced from Politically Incorrect in 1999, in which she said that she had dabbled in witchcraft. Since she’s spoken out against masturbation, what else could she have meant when she said she had experimented with riding a broomstick?

“Caff-ital Crime”

A Kentucky man accused of strangling his wife is claiming insanity caused by caffeine. Prosecutors say “Wake up and smell the body.”

He claims to have ingested excessive soda, energy drinks and diet pills to stay awake. In that sense, this legal strategy is not unlike the Irish Spring defense.

He killed his wife with an extension cord. He relates that to the sodas he’d been drinking, Jolt.

It sounds like a spur of the moment defense. Police catch him holding the extension cord, ask why he did it, and he answered, “I’m wired.”

This man is one of those people who, if he doesn’t have his caffeine in the morning, barely has the energy to kill anyone.

It’s been suggested that he try 5-hour energy and then see what the rest of his killings feel like.

It is good that he was taking diet pills, because he has a fat chance.

The man not only wants a speedy trial, he wants more speed.

If caffeine is determined to be the cause of the murder, cream and sugar may be tried as accessories.

The man’s coffee cup will be brought in for a mug shot.

Friday, September 17, 2010


TMZ has learned that Vivid Entertainment has offered Octomom Nadya Suleman $500,000 dollars to star in a porn movie. She is considering the offer, because that much money could go a long way towards neglecting her children.

Half a million dollars sounds like a lot of money for a porn movie, but that amount doesn't even cover the cast of thousands who will all simultaneously be inside her.

Adding to the budget will be special audio instruments to try to drown out the echo from her vagina.

Actually, they just want to use her as a location because the Grand Canyon wasn’t available.

“Can You Dig It?”

At the Chilean mine site where 33 minors are still trapped, rescuers successfully bore a hole that will be widened into an escape tunnel sooner than expected. What helped is that as they drilled, they took that left turn at Albuquerque.

The miners already had holes dug to give them more air, food, and medical supplies. But no alcohol, because management refuses to serve liquor to miners.

"Shrunken Judd"

Country music star Wynonna Judd appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, showing off her 60 lb. weight loss. Always curious about dieting tips she can then use herself, Oprah asked Wynonna how she now plans to gain the weight back.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

“What’s All the Flap, Jack?” or "Living On a 'Prayer'"

The International House of Pancakes is suing to stop the Kansas City based faith group International House of Prayer from using the acronym IHOP. So far they have no issue, however, with the Interstate Hub of Porn.

The House of Prayer is also being asked to stop referring to gays as “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.”

The church says they never intened to benefit from the restaurant chain’s fame. Hard to believe, since their slogan is “Come Hungry, Leave Holy.”

Also, they are the only church to offer you your communion wafer with a choice of syrups, whipped cream, or fruit topping.

Since the church directly stole the idea and words from a previous existing entity, they will be forced to call themselves the International House of Plagiarism.

In a compromise, the church will change their name to Denny’s.

“Surgery That Costs an Arm and a Leg”

Eleven suspects from a major South African hospital chain have been charged with international human organ trafficking. The doctors brash enough to be involved in a scandal of this kind have a lot of guts.

The investigation began with illegal transplants done as far back as 2001. Now, the case is finally sewn up.

The hospital considers the removal and replacement of organs an internal matter.

Evidence is hard to collect in this kind of case. To prevent leaving behind fingerprints, the doctors cleverly wore rubber gloves.

Most people agree, the only thing more sickening than buying or selling an organ is buying or selling an accordion.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

“Keeping Up with Inflatable”

According to Radar Online, a new life size blow-up doll will be modeled after Kim Kardashian. It comes with a pre-inflated ego.

The doll is intended only for white men, since any black guy can have the real thing.

The doll is to be filled with air, as opposed to the real Kim, who is filled with Botox.

No Khloe Kardashian doll is planned. If you want Khloe, just over-inflate the Kim doll.

“Arrested Development”

Several members of the LAPD lost a total of two million dollars after falling for a real estate scam. Before buying, the cops would have been automatically suspicious if the houses were black.

The officers might have been more realty savvy if, instead of city cops, they were estate police.

Now, they will have to back to the traditional form of LAPD investing for retirement: taking bribes.

“The Chuck Stops Here”

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants has recalled light-up toy rings and star-shaped eyeglasses due to the possibility that young children could swallow small parts. The bigger danger, though, is the possibility that someone could swallow Chuck E. Cheese’s pizza.

The rings and glasses are among the small prizes kids can win playing games at the themed restaurants. But for grown-ups, the biggest prize is not having to go there at all.

Though representatives claim Chuck E. Cheese himself was greatly concerned, reporters at a local franchise got only stiff, robotic responses from him.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"Where's the Beef?"
People are still talking about the raw-meat dress worm by Lady Gaga at the VMA’s Sunday night. The designer has been under a lot of pressure from anti-meat critics, making him feel kind of jerky.

While on stage, instead of dancing and grinding, Gaga just enjoyed a dry rub.

Though the event was already 2 days ago, both fashion critics and PETA continue to chew the fat.

Angry as always about the use of any animal products, PETA obviously hopes to collect their pound of flesh.

If some viewers thought Gaga’s meat dress was too revealing, they should have seen how much it shrunk once she got cooking.

Because of Lady Gaga raising the fashion bar, the commitment of rockers who wear leather is now considered to be only skin deep.

“Eiffel Over Laughing"

In Paris, the Eiffel Tower was evacuated Tuesday following a phoned-in bomb threat that turned out to be a false alarm. In fact, the only results of a Google search for “Paris bombs” were Paris Hilton’s movies.

A model of French professionalism and efficiency, Parisian police officers made a quick, thorough, and of course, snooty search.

Though there was French media chatter, evacuation of some startled tourists, and a brief wild goose chase for Parisian police seeking some mysterious object, the search turned up absolutely nothing significant. Experts say it was exactly like a Dan Brown novel.

Police found nothing suspicious when they searched the famous tower, but as a precaution, per official procedure, they surrendered.

"Brown Smear";_ylt=ArQ7Tj9wcNVGI0HuHjDLz8dbbBAF;_ylu=X3oDMTRwODdjMW8yBGFzc2V0Ay9zL3libG9nX3Vwc2hvdC8yMDEwMDkxNC9lbF95YmxvZ191cHNob3QvamVycnktYnJvd24tYXBvbG9naXplcy1mb3ItbGV3aW5za3ktam9rZQRjY29kZQNtcF9lY184XzEwBGNwb3MDNQRwb3MDNQRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA2plcnJ5YnJvd25hcA--

Jerry Brown apologized Monday for making comments in a speech on Sunday referring to Bill Clinton’s sex scandal involving then White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Then he apologized for still living in 1996.

Monday, September 13, 2010

“Raw and Exposed”

Among the many outfits Lady Gaga donned for the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night was a dress made of raw meat. Some celebrities, especially vegetarians, were highly critical of Gaga and her apparel, proving that show business really is a dog-eat-dog world.

Ironically, it was only the people against the consumption of meat who really had a beef with her.

Gaga won 8 awards with her mega-hit single Bad Romance, proving that she knows how to bring home the bacon.

For those who objected to her outfit, you have to wonder, where is there steak in this?

Though other stars were questioned by journalists about their costumes, Lady Gaga is the only one they really grilled.

"The Eyes Have It"
The Department of Homeland Security plans to begin testing eye scanners that will match images of a person’s iris to a database, a quicker ID method than fingerprints. Also, because the machines only need to scan the iris instead of the retina, Arizona can start using them to profile brown-eyed people.

The scanners will help spot terror suspects in the blink of an eye.

The scans will also make it harder for terror suspects to reach their contacts.

Those who try to disguise their eyes’ natural appearance may be subject to many lashes.

The financial world may benefit from these machines as a means to prevent fraud and identity theft. Merchants would just need to ask for a customer’s eye-D.

The Americna Civil lLiberities Union says these scanners could violate a person’s privacy, if they can track anyone without their knowledge. The possibility is eye-opening.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

“Snooki is Criminally Annoying” or "Legally Bronze"
Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was fined $500 for disturbing the peace on a New Jersey beach, where she had loudly stumbled around drunk, bumping into people. Based on this precedent, Snooki will now have to pay $500 a day for the rest of her life.

Snooki didn’t seem bothered by the $500 fine until someone told her how much spray-on tan that is.

In court, Snooki was ready to place her hand on a bible and swear.

Other charges were dropped because technically it isn’t a crime to be annoying and stupid.

Other charges were dropped because putting Snooki in jail would be cruel and unusual punishment for the other inmates.

Snooki had thought it was fine to be drunk and annoying, but then, she also thinks she’s a celebrity.

“Cons and Pro-phylactics”

San Francisco’s sheriff’s department has installed condom machines for the inmates in the County Jail. To pay for the machines, next week they are installing coin-operated roofies machines.

Said one naive, new inmate: “Cool! This means the jail is going co-ed, right? Right? No? Ohhhh, sh*t.”

The County will no longer have to worry about the male inmates getting each other pregnant.

After lights out, the jail will also pipe in soft, romantic music.

Technically, it is illegal for inmates to have sex with each other, so the department will still enforce the rule of No Foreplay.

This is part of the department’s safe rape program.

About half the inmates are happy about the availability of condoms, and the other half are awfully sore about it.

As a PR move, the sheriff’s department says they are trying to cut down on a very specific type of white collar crime.

The media will continue to follow this story until it reaches its climax.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

“Wing Woman”

Sonya Thomas, known as the “Black Widow” of competitive eating, ate 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes to win the contest at the 9th annual National Buffalo Wing Festival. After eating all those wings, she felt like flying.

181 wings. Most people think that’s impressive, but chickens find it disarming.

Sonya is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 lbs. But she assures her admirers she’s fat on the inside.

For fans who wanted a souvenir, Sonya thought she’s throw them a bone.

Her prize for wining is getting to take home the leftovers.

To celebrate her victory, Thomas will take a first class, all-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom.

Sonya even beat number one ranked competitive eater Joey Chestnut, who is 6-foot-2 and weighs 230 lbs. For the next contest, Chestnut will use a new strategy: eat Sonya Thomas.

“Heisman Maneuver”

Yahoo Sports reported that by the end of September, Reggie Bush will be stripped of his Heisman Trophy following the NCAA ruling that he received illegal benefits while a USC student. Adding insult to injury, Kim Kardashian called and told him she’d faked all her orgasms.

"Castro Oil"

In a news interview, Cuba’s ex-president Fidel Castro criticized Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his anti-Semetic attitudes. Castro is also still lucid enough to know that that the sky is blue and water is wet.

Ahmadinejad didn’t mind being called an anti-Semite, but when he looks at Castro, he does get beard envy.

Castro also wins in the ‘dictator wardrobe’ category. Unless this was 1985, military fatigues always beat a Members Only jacket.

Friday, September 3, 2010

“Flying Snakes”
A man trying to board a plane in Malaysia was caught smuggling 95 live boa constrictors in his luggage when his suitcase broke open. Commented actor Samuel L. Jackson, “Enough is enough. I’m tired of all these Ma-laysian snakes on this Ma-laysian plane!”

Though there were 95 snakes all packed together, they still had more room than the passengers on commercial airplanes.

On the plus side, since the snakes scattered, for the first time in years, the Malaysian airport’s rodent problem was eliminated in minutes.

Airport security never thought that there would be all those snakes coiled up inside the case, just waiting to burst out. They thought the container was filled with peanut brittle.

The snakes themselves were not considered a security risk, since snakes are, by their nature, unarmed.

“Queensland Quake”
New Zealand suffered a powerful 7.4-magnitude Earthquake near the South Island city of Christchurch. Amid all the damage to homes and businesses, angry and upset residents’ first course of action is to change the name of the city.

"Savings Bondage"

The federal government is phasing out paper U.S. Savings Bond in favor of electronic ones. Some question whether Bonds will continue to sell well if consumers don’t get the physical paper in their hand, but with today’s interest rates, they should be used to getting nothing anyway.

Because the I Bond and EE Bond, which had long been favored for their stability, have suffered recently due to lower interest returns, the government will start issuing the more exciting James Bond.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

“Horse Sense”

A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against a horse. Will it pass? Sarah Jessica Parker is betting on it.

"Conan's Show Name"

Conan O'Brien announced on Twitter and YouTube Wednesday that the name of his new show on TBS will be Conan. Said a TBS Spokesperson: “It was simply much easier to come to an arrangement with the owners of the name ‘Conan the Barbarian’ than trying to make a deal with Sonny from ‘Coco-Puffs.’
-- “That bird is f***ing coo-coo.”

"A Little Smoke"

A two-year-old baby in Indonesia who was seen chain smoking in a YouTube video has reportedly kicked the habit. That's the good news. The bad news is, since then, he's been hitting the bottle pretty hard.

He didn’t know it was bad for his health. He thought it looked cool to roll the pack in the sleeve of his onesie.

To celebrate the occasion, the little fellow’s parents are getting him a treat: a tattoo.

Unfortunately, other toddlers are now teasing him about having gained a little weight.

He quit because smoking ages you. He already has the body of a 3-year-old.

“Balogna and Coke”

Massachusetts police arrested a man for receiving $100,000 dollars worth of cocaine in the mail that was hidden inside a hollowed-out chunk of bologna. The man insists that he just couldn't resist the coke when he heard the CUTE jingle: “ 'Cuz Oscar Meyer has a way with C-O-C-A-I-N-E.”

"Ferrari Flaw"

Ferrari is recalling its 458 Italia model because of critical design flaw. The flaw is that anyone who sees the car can automatically tell the driver must be an a**hole.

Ferrari can fix the design flaw, but there's nothing they can do about the fact that all the cars owners have tiny penises.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

“Close to the Heart”

Several high schools across the country have banned rubber bracelets bearing the breast cancer awareness slogan, “I love boobies.” Student groups wonder if the administrators are just looking for a little tit for tat.

To keep students from thinking about breasts, all sports where spherical balls are used will stop, America the Beautiful will be sung with the phrase “mountains majesty” omitted, school lunches with fruit salad will be emptied of all melons.

The schools that confiscate the rubber bracelets will recycle then by melting them down to become condoms for students.

The schools are sure that their tactics will take high school boys’ eyes off the girls wrists, so they can go back to staring at their chests.

The makers of the bracelets say that research shows that the best way to fight breast cancer is through adolescent giggling.

“Frightening Discovery”

A gunman holding 3 people hostage inside the Discovery Channel building in Silver Spring, MD Wednesday was killed by police and the hostages rescued without harm. It wasn’t clear what the gunman’s intentions were. Since this was Discovery Channel, it was real and unscripted.

Police had attempted to negotiate with the gunman for 4 hours, not including commercial breaks.

The gunman had a handgun and metallic canisters strapped to himself. He might have had bigger weapons and more elaborate looking explosives, but the Discovery Channel is, after all, only a basic cable network.

“Staggering Drop”

A New York music student survived an apparent suicide attempt when he jumped 39 stories and crash-landed through the windshield of a car, landing in the back seat. His survival was bittersweet, though. The owner of the car had just washed it.

Witnesses say he plummeted into the car at what seemed like 100 miles per hour. No cops were around though, to ticket him for speeding.

It’s even more amazing that he survived the crash without wearing a seatbelt.