Friday, December 30, 2011

See you in 2012!


“Elly Mae Pay Day”

Donna Douglas, the actress who played Elly Mae Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies, who had sued Mattel and CBS over using her likeness for an Elly Mae Barbie doll, settled the case for up to an estimated $75,000.  Once Elly Mae got her money, she loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly… Massachusetts, that is.  75 grand won’t get you squat in Beverly Hills.

“Cry of Newt”

At a Des Moines coffee house, Newt Gingrich broke into tears when talking about his mother to a group called CafeMoms.  It’s understandable.  After all, she’s the woman who named her own son “Newt.”

“Blackmailer ‘On the Case’”

Robert “Joe” Halderman, the former CBS producer who tried to blackmail David Letterman in 2010, has landed a new job as a producer for Paula Zahn’s On the Case on Investigation Discovery.  Zahn better not be sleeping with any of her interns.

After serving time for extortion, having threatened the Late Show host with exposure after discovering secrets about his personal life, it’s kind of funny that Halderman is producing for an “investigative” show.  But Letterman probably won’t be joking about it. 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

“All Gaga for New Year’s”

Pop Superstar Lady Gaga will be counting down the New Year with the ceremonial ball drop in Times Square.  At exactly 12:00, live in New York City, Gaga’s balls will drop.

 On New Year’s Eve, with so many people wearing crazy hats, costumes, and wild glasses, Gaga will finally have a place where she blends in.

“Laws of the Land”

A new law in Utah that takes effect January 1st will make it illegal for bars to offer “happy hour” drink specials.  Bars are expected to figure out that, since alcohol is a depressant, they can start promoting “unhappy hour” instead.

In Nevada, music therapists now have to be licensed.  But music groupies still just have to be hot.

In Georgia, golf carts taken off the course onto roads have to have brakes, warning devices, and a horn.  Apparently, those loud, golf sweaters just aren’t enough anymore.

All golf cats must be equipped with safety equipment such as back-up warnings, too.  In fact, while golfing, if you hook or slice the ball, you now have to use turn signals.

“Chimp and See”

A two-year biology study reveals that chimpanzees warn fellow chimps about unseen dangers to their well-being.  This finding probably explains the recent increase in anti-smoking ads.

On a basic instinctive level, the chimps seem to partly understand each other’s intentions.  It’s why they are better than humans at dodging hand-flung poop.

Of course, the best way for a chimp to get clear warning messages from another, pay him a couple of bananas in advance, for his trouble.

“Engaging Jordan”

Basketball great Michael Jordan proposed to his longtime girlfriend Yvette Prieto.  Like Jordan himself, the question seemed to hang in the air for a long time.

No word on the price of her ring, but it probably cost quite a few Air Jordans.

Now that they are engaged, Jordan can’t wait to get his Hanes on her.

The concept of the diamond ring confused Jordan.  He’s used to putting the rock inside the hoop.

The proposal came on Christmas Day.  And that night, he dunked it.

No doubt the diamond can be measured by carats, but Chicago Bulls fans are counting the points.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I want to wish a very happy, healthy, safe, and prosperous new year to all of my blog readers around the world, my supporters, friends, and family.  Each year I hope to spread a little laughter into the world, and each year I am given the gift of laughter from so many of you, along with a lot of love.  Thank you for being part of my 2011.  Here's to a new year filled with blessings, light, and hopefully, some good jokes.
Happy 2012.

“Rest ‘Il’ Peace”

Yesterday was the funeral for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.  The North Korean people have been told via state media that, although he appears dead, he will awaken with only one kiss from Prince Charming.

Government officials wanted the road paved with gold for the funeral procession.  Gold was not available, however, so instead they paved it with North Koreans.

Friday, December 16, 2011

“Pop Proposal”

Britney Spears has gotten engaged, to Jason Trawick, who was her manager until May, 2010, when they began dating.  Instead of a wild, crazy bachelorette party, Britney will just have a flashback to 2008.

The pair ended their professional relationship to concentrate on their personal one.  In other words, Jason can quit his job, now that he’s got himself a sugar mama.

It is unknown at this time if there will be a pre-nuptial agreement, but one thing is for sure: Jason will insist that Britney not open-mouth kiss Madonna anymore.

“Smaller Snooki”

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Poizzi has been on a program to lose weight, and looking slimmer than ever, she says she’s down to 107 lbs.   That only leaves 107 to go.

Snooki is happy to have lost so much weight, saying “This is f*cking cool.  I can get sh*t-faced on less booze, now.”

Thursday, December 15, 2011

“This Means War”

The war in Iraq has officially been declared over, with 4,000 troops still there and waiting to return home.  Upon hearing the news, George W. Bush immediately called President Obama and asked if he could get that “Mission Accomplished” banner now, as a souvenir.

“Fake Drug Facts”

A national survey found a startling increase in the number of teens who have used synthetic drugs, which mimic the effects of marijuana but commonly have dangerous side effects.  On the bright side, the making of synthetics has given a strong boost to U.S. manufacturing. 

"Failing Grades"

The Center on Education Policy released a national report Thursday that reveals almost half of all public schools failed this year’s federal achievement standards.  Now, it’s up to state administrators to work with Congress to quickly lower the standards.

Based on federal testing only 52% of schools have made adequate academic progress.  However, based on new grading methods, 52% is a C+.

“Less Jackson”

Janet Jackson is a new spokeswoman for the weight loss program Nutrisystem.  Throughout her life, Janet’s weight has affected her self esteem, but now she is bouncing back, like a great, big, round, ball.

The company’s plan uses pre-packaged foods to help customers meet their weight loss goals, the same way Janet’s music uses pre-packaged rhythms and melodies.

Janet describes her weight-loss success using Nutrisystem as “Good Times.”

“Poor Results”

According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, almost 1 out of 2 Americans can now be classified as poor or low income.  What’s really sad is how the comparatively rich “low income” people are not taking care of the poor.

The poor are, in turn, jealous of people earning a low income.

It’s hard to distinguish “low income” from “poor”, unless you break it down to those who have a cell phone contract, and those who pay for data, talk and text month-to-month.

Most of America won’t pay any attention to this statistic, however, unless those in both the poor and low income brackets start speaking with a cockney accent from the 1890’s or earlier.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

“A Person for our Time”

Time magazine has named its annual “Person of the Year,” and it is: ‘The Protester,’ acknowledging this years marches from Egypt to Occupy Wall Street.  When they saw the face of the protester on the cover, out of habit, UC Davis Police pepper-sprayed magazine stands.

Some who felt there were other, more important events or individuals decided to, well, protest.

The Protestors beat the likes of SEAL Team 6, Steve Jobs, and Herman Cain.  Meanwhile, cops beat the protesters.

"Swiss Bankroll"

A player at a Swiss casino who thought he won a $57 million jackpot is suing the casino that claimed the flashing screen was an error and denied his pay-out.  The casino is scared because in court, their odds of winning are only 50/50, the worst they’ve ever seen.

A true gambler, the man is suing for double or nothing.

“Single People, Double Digits”

America’s marriage rate for 2009 – 2010 dropped to a record low of 51%, down from 72% in 1960.  Experts are divided on the cause, unsure if it’s Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries that’s really to blame.

The statistics show that the only ones who want to get married anymore are gay people.

Studies suggest that money may be a factor in people holding off marriage.  It is true that, in the current economy, it’s much harder than it used to be to find someone to marry for money.

Though most people are influenced to marry by their church, that message is contradicted the more powerful message of reality TV.

"Action Stopped"

Richard Dean Anderson, of MacGyver fame, got stuck on the side of the road when his car broke down in Malibu Tuesday.  A tow truck eventually showed up, but instead of towing the car, the driver gave Anderson 30 seconds to get his car started again using only the parts of his wristwatch and a flashlight before a time-bomb went off.

"Bret's Pets"

Bret Michaels is launching a line of pet accessories called “Pets Rock.”  The collection includes studded dog collars and tiny leather vests, all of which Bret Michaels, at one time or another, probably wore.

Michaels is quite the dog lover, which you already know if you’ve seen the women he slept with on Rock of Love.

Bret’s cool accessories even include bandanas for balding pets.

Dogs tend to love Bret Michaels and his products, at least when they are drunk.

“Hammer vs. Gavel”

MC Hammer is being sued for owing back taxes to the US government.  Hammer famously declared bankruptcy back in 1996, but the IRS still thinks he had pretty deep pockets.  Why else would he have worn those huge, baggy pants with the crotch that only went to the knees?

Like they say, they only 2 things that are certain in life are debt and taxes.

“Jobs Search”’s  top selling book of 2011 is Steve Jobs’ biography.  So now author Walter Isaacson joins all those people at Microsoft who were glad when Jobs died.

Of course, there is the theory that an angry Bill Gates is trying to buy up every copy.

“Hair Ball”

A gambling website has purchased a piece of Michael Jackson’s hair with the intention of turning it into a ball for a roulette wheel.  The roulette ball will be the first part of Jackson’s body to ever circulate among people over 21.

It seems hard to believe; Michael's hair had so much relaxer in it, it's hard to imagine it ever curling into a ball.

The most awkward part is, when the roulette ball comes to a stop, everyone looks at Conrad Murray.

"Mail Ego" or “Post It”

The U.S. Postal Service is delaying the planned closure of 252 mail-processing centers from an April deadline to mid-May.  They figure that, by the middle of May, most of that April 1st mail should be delivered.

The shutdowns will leave 100,000 postal employees out of work.  The USPS is hoping to let these workers go before they have the opportunity to become disgruntled.

At least by laying them off, they won’t be able to afford firearms.

Many of the mail carriers plan to become male strippers.

“A Call to Stop All Calls”

The National Transportation Safety Board is calling for a national ban on all call phone use – including hands-free devices.  News of this spread quickly across the country, one freeway text message at a time.

The immediate reaction to the news from most drivers was, “ OMG.”

Some consider this to be an issue of personal freedom; a subject that always tugs at people’s emoticons.

“A Dollar Change”

Vice President Biden announced today that the U.S. Mint is halting production of $1 coins.  Biden was the perfect spokesman, since he, too, is obsolete.

The $1 coins have never proven popular.  Poor people spend them first because cash is lighter and easier to count and carry, and rich people don’t like that you can’t roll them up to snort anything through them.

A relief to the many concerned, the change is expected to have little or no impact on the coin purse industry.

"Politician Is his own Big Donor"

Bill Johnson, conservative Alabama politician has been caught in a scandal in New Zealand for donating sperm to at least 9 lesbian women, at least 3 of whom became pregnant.  As both a Christian and a sperm donor, he literally found new zeal.

The scandal is almost as big for the lesbians, for accepting sperm.

Having lost the Alabama gubernatorial race in 2010, he determined that its easier to win the popular vote, if you create the population yourself.

It was quite a surprise that Johnson impregnated these gay women, since they were never interested in any other Johnson.

“Sold by Volume”

After years of consumer complaints that TV commercials are much louder than the program content, the FCC passed new regulations Tuesday requiring  ads to be set at the same volume as the shows.  Now, viewers won’t have to cover their ears anymore, as they fast-forward through all the commercials.

Interestingly, every time broadcast television viewers turned down the volume, subscribers to HBO and Showtime turned up their noses.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

“Lohan Leaked”

The cover for the upcoming Playboy magazine featuring Lindsay Lohan has been leaked online, a week before the issue will be available.   It’s the first time anyone has been interested in Lindsay or Playboy in years.

The cover photo features Lindsay posed on a bunny shaped chair.  A posed shot was chosen over the all the candids because all of those captured Lindsay either doing drugs or stealing jewelry.

Lindsay is certainly no stranger to the camera, having spent the last few years on court TV and county jail security footage.

In the photos, Lindsay shows one of her body parts not normally seen by her fans: her ankle without an electronic monitoring device.

Playboy called the pictures ‘tasteful,’ because when you pay someone $1 million to pose nude, no matter what you ask them to do, you’re going to consider it tasteful.

Lindsay almost had a substance abuse relapse on the set due to a strong alcohol odor, but it was just Hef walking through smelling like formaldehyde.

“Obama Chill on Pill” or “President B. on Plan B”

President Obama said he supports the Department of Health and Human Services decision to restrict availability of the morning-after pill to girls under 17 by requiring a prescription.  He then glared and shook an accusing finger at Malia and Sasha.

To those 17 and older, the morning after pill is available over-the-counter, as long as you can handle the harsh, fluorescent lights at the drug store while you’re still hung over.

While the president didn’t comment directly on the over-the-counter availability of the drug for adults, he and Michelle exchanged a knowing glance and a relieved high-five.

Friday, December 2, 2011

“Inflated Facts”

A Florida trans-gendered woman is facing charges for running a black-market butt-enhancement business where she injected cement, Fix-a-Flat, and superglue into a patient’s buttocks.  The patient became suspicious that cement had been used, because as soon as her butt was smoothed out, someone made footprints in it before it could dry.

Asked why she used Fix-a-Flat tire sealant, the accused admitted, “I ran out of silly string and whipped cream.”

Accusations include practicing medicine without a license.  Though, based on the materials she was using, the closest thing she had to a medical license was a discount card for The Home Depot.

Can you believe she used super-glue to seal a cosmetic surgery injection site?  Everyone knows you have to caulk it.

“Marriage Wows”

Michelle Bachman said that she thinks its okay for gay people to get married as long as they marry a member of the opposite sex.   Just like her husband did.

“The Cain Mutiny” or "Sugar Cain"

A woman has come forward claiming to have had an ongoing affair for 13 years with Herman Cain.  Cain was quick to point out that a 13-year commitment is enough for more than 3 presidential terms.

Don't think this is being taken lightly by Cain's wife.  She always thought that her husband only sexually harassed women who weren't interested in him.

There has not yet been any comment from Mrs. Cain, but word on the street is, she is working on her 9-9-9 plan: getting her size 9 shoe or her size 9 foot to kick her husband’s ass 9 times over.