Friday, October 28, 2011

“Lettuce Request”

Lady Gaga has been asked by PETA to wear a dress made entirely out of lettuce while appearing in India.  Gaga hasn’t responded to the request yet.  Likely she is searching for the right words, since she wouldn’t want to look ridiculous.

If Gaga agrees to wear the lettuce dress, her appearance in it promises to be raw.

The dress would only be wearable once, after which, the lettuce would be tossed.

These, are of course, Gaga’s salad days.

PETA was going to follow Gaga around until she agreed to wear celery, but they didn’t want to stalk her.

India’s branch of PETA wants Gaga to promote a vegetarian lifestyle.  The question is, are vegetarians born this way?

PETA considered asking Gaga to wear a carrot, but they reconsidered when they realized people might mistake it for her penis.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

"Dead Dictator"

Moammar Ghadhafi was buried in a hidden, unmarked grave at dawn Tuesday.  Loyalists may still be able to identify the grave, however, since it’s the only one around with a ridiculous perm.

Experts say an unmarked grave isn’t really necessary.  In that part of the world, a grave marked “Tyrannical dictator who condoned torture and supported terrorism” could be almost anybody.

In death, Ghadhafi is very much as he was in the last days of his life.  Hated to the point of going underground.

"Gun Bust"

Five New York City police officers and three retired officers were arrested for smuggling firearms and stolen cigarettes in an FBI sting operation.   The sting went down once the feds had the smoking gun.

After all their years on the job, these policemen Police were determined to find out if crime really doesn’t pay.

These New York cops did one thing that no one else has been able to do in 10 years - make the FBI look good.

"A Kind Gesture"

Employees at the Affinia hotels in New York and other cities are being trained to read guests’ body language to help make their stay more enjoyable.  For example, couples who are touching each other and showing affection in public aren’t really “Mr. and Mrs.” anybody, no matter how they sign in.

They were taught that  if a housekeeper walks into their hotel room and they are having sex, that body language means they forgot to put up the “Do Not Disturb” sign.

"Rometty Wasn't Built in a Day"

IBM has named Virginia Rometty to become its new CEO, the first woman to hold that title in the company’s history.  Not only that, but for most IBM employees, she’s the first woman to ever talk to them.

And you thought those tech nerds were intimidated by girls before...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"The Dinner Party"

In a  poll where a research group asked people which Republican presidential candidate they would most want to have dinner with, the winner was Herman Cain, with 29%.  That’s mainly because they assumed Cain can get free all-you-can-eat pizza anytime he wants.

Cain was the most popular choice among Republicans just because most of them have never had dinner with a black man before.

They chose Cain just so they could say “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”

The biggest difference in the dine-with-a-candidate philosophy was this: Republicans would write off the dinner on their taxes as a business expense, while Democrats think the government should just pay for it.

“Laser Battles”

The FAA reports that laser pointers hitting the cockpits of airplanes in flight are increasing.  Due to the potential danger of temporarily blind a pilot, the FAA is raising the current civil fine of $11,000 up to having a plane crash into you and your laser pointer.

If laser attacks on planes continue to increase, the airlines will start fighting back by imposing laser shield fees on all passengers.

“Luggage Locked and Loaded” or “Bullet Plane”

A loaded handgun fell out of a duffel bag as the bag was being loaded onto a Portland, Oregon-bound flight out of LAX Sunday.  The TSA doesn’t scan or search checked baggage, but they are giving their assurance that future passengers will really be felt up about it.

Guns may be checked, but are not supposed to have ammunition in them.  But just like pilots, every so often, one gets through, loaded.

While this incident was embarrassing for LAX, they made up for it by confiscating hundreds of harmless water bottles.

“Hyper Girls”
A study released in Pediatrics magazine says that the chemical BPA, found in many common hard plastics, may cause anxiety, depression, and hyperactivity in girls whose mothers had high exposure during pregnancy.  Plastics companies say that this is a perfect way to prepare young girls for the effects of their own eventual pregnancies.


In a live concert Saturday night, Jennifer Lopez broke down crying after performing a song that featured a dance routine including look-alikes of her and her famous exes.  Also really crying: anyone who bought a ticket to see that.

J.Lo was a little embarrassed at her emotional display, but by making up a dancer to look like her, she really made a big ass, of herself.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

“Social Security Benefiters to Benefit”

Social Security benefits will go up for the first time in 3 years in 2012, increasing by 3.6%.  This means that instead of having poor senior have to eat out of other people’s garbage cans, those seniors will now be able to afford their own garbage cans.

The idea for the increase is to compensate for inflation, but not enough to let senior citizens afford Viagra, since no one ones to picture old people doing it.

The official name for the increase is Cost of Living Adjustment, or COLA.  They call it “COLA” because recipients are excited to get it, but it doesn’t take long for the fizz to go out.


Starbucks has introduced its new, lighter coffee, calling it a “blonde roast.”  While Starbucks classic roasts have been labeled dark or bitter by some, there is already a preconceived notion that the blonde roast will be dumb and slutty.

That, of course, will make it popular.

The heavy marketing of the lighter coffee is an expensive initiative, but as the saying goes, “Blondes have more funds.”

“Gimme a ‘G’”

At the World Scrabble Championships in Warsaw, Poland, a letter “G” was noticed to be missing from a game set only at the last draw and was replaced with another by the referee after all attempts to find the original had failed.  When asked how he felt about the game, the winner suspiciously answered, “GGreat.”

The search for the missing letter even went so far as to demand that the players empty their pockets.  Since they are World Champion level players, neither of them had the letter.  Since they are World Champion Scrabble players, neither of them had any money, either.

According to the official rules, the replacement “G” was a letter of apology.

Since the G was dropped, the competitors were not really playing Scrabble, but were merely playin.’

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

“Underwear Bomber: Guilty Pleasure?”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber” pleaded guilty to trying to blow up a plane as a passenger in flight, on Christmas, 2009.  He had originally planned to plead not guilty, but was convinced to change both his plea and his underwear.

Umar called the bomb he carried a “Blessed weapon,” which was proven to be true when, instead  of killing innocent people on a plane, it just burned his junk.

In reference to the underwear incident, he read from a brief, not boxer, statement.

In addition to possible consecutive life sentences, the 8 charges to which he pleaded carry fines of $250,000 as well.  So by blowing up his underwear, he really lost his ass.

Details of his injuries were not specific, but it is widely believed that since his bomb went off, there’s no more fruit in the loom.

The bomber threatened the United States with further violence, adding, “If you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later.”  The United States, meanwhile, did not laugh at any violence, but couldn’t help but chuckle at the guy who ignited a bomb in his own underwear and burned his butt off.

Because of his bad underwear experience, if he ever plans another military style attack, he’d prefer to go commando.

“Protection for Teens”

A new federal survey finds that teens between 15 and 19 are using condoms more often than they used to, up to 80% from 71%.  In that age group, those who said they have had sex were most likely to use condoms as contraception, while nerds are using them as paintball grenades.

According to the survey, boys are less likely to want to use a condom when they have sex, but their willingness to use one increases dramatically if they have a partner.

“Art Imitates Life” or “Exhibitionist Plans Exhibit”

Marni Kotak, a New York performance artist who is pregnant, has transformed a gallery space into a birthing center and plans to delivery her baby, for real,  in front of a live audience as a performance.  The sex of the baby is not publicly known, but once born, it will be called Art.

She is calling the performance “The Birth of Baby X.”  The “X” is for “X-Rated.”

Warning: the first 3 rows will get wet.

Kotak will have a mid-wife to assist in the birth, but not a doctor, because, what do they know about art?

Since becoming pregnant, Marni has mainly had a craving for attention.

“Long Distance Baby” or "Race Is Not an Issue"

On Sunday, an Illinois woman who ran the Chicago Marathon at 39 weeks pregnant went into labor after completing the race and gave birth to a baby girl.  Several other runners’ water broke during the marathon, but none of them were pregnant.

The baby was 7 lbs., 13 oz., but she is already trying to lose the baby fat and get in shape for her next marathon. 

“Cheating Dog”

A man was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods on the 7th green at the open Sunday.   The hot dog missed, and the man was not identified, but had the hot dog hit Tiger in the face, the attacker would surely have been identified as Karma.

Hot dog or no hot dog, Woods finished tied for 30th place, with no chance to catsup.

Friday, October 7, 2011

“Super Surgery”

A Filipino man has gotten multiple plastic surgeries to resemble Superman.  But, unfortunately, when he puts on his eyeglasses, the resemblance is completely lost.

In a paradox, the man is now so much like Superman, the surgeons' scalpels no longer can penetrate his skin.

Though he likes to wear the costume with the “S” on his chest, on his forehead, the man will always have an imaginary “L” for “loser.”

The man cares so much about his appearance, he has transformed into his own comic book character, 'Super-Ficial.'

“Museum of Modern Arnie”

Arnold Schwarzenegger flew to the town of Thal, Austria, were he grew up, to dedicate the museum that was his boyhood home.  It is unknown if that home originally had a Mexican housekeeper for him to have sex with.

Arnold unveiled a statue in his likeness, but continues to conceal additional, illegitimate children in his likeness.

"Disney Baby”

A Delaware woman is facing charges for trying to sell her baby to get money for a trip to Disney World.  In her defense, raising a child is, in many ways, like a roller coaster ride.

The mother was offered $15,000.  Many parents in poor countries around the globe would have to admit at least being tempted over such an offer, proving it’s a small world after all.

“Ratings Drop”

Arthur C. Nielsen, Jr., former president of the Nielsen company that measures TV ratings, has died at age 92.  His funeral was attended by 100 people, but that represents millions of American homes.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs or "Lost Jobs" or "iDead"

Apple founder Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer on Wednesday at age 56.  He was immediately brought to the Apple Store to be fixed or replaced for free.

In a related story, Bill Gates is still alive, but is prone to contracting viruses.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

“Player Haters” or “Dice Men”

The Wynn Las Vegas is suing a group of craps players whom they say cheated to win $700,000.  They are also seeking punitive damages in the form of free rooms and meals at the players’ homes anytime except specific black-out days.

The casino wants their guests who play fairly to know there is nothing to be alarmed about, and invite them to stay at the tables and keep losing money.

“Shrank Williams, Jr.” or “Are You Ready for Some Fallout?”

ESPN decided to pull Hank Williams, Jr.’s famous opening theme song for Monday Night Football following comments the singer made comparing Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler.  Williams claims his words were misunderstood, but is having a harder time explaining his plea to change the presidential anthem “Hail to the Chief” to “Are you Ready for Some Hitler?”