“Shirt for Brains”

A 4th grade student in Patterson, CA was ordered to change his t-shirt with a picture of Barack Obama and the phrase “Hi, Haters.” Controversy should have been minimal; since it was a public school, other students would neither have recognized the president, nor been able to read the phrase.

“FORD: Found On Road Detonated”

Ford has recalled 4.5 million more vehicles over a known issue with a defective cruise control switch which may cause a fire. Ford owners are cautioned not to push the button labeled “Fire.”

Ford may try to work the problem into future marketing. For instance, the popular SUV Explorer will be renamed the Ford Exploder.

Ford’s PR department claims this was just Ford’s innovative way of meeting consumer demand for keyless ignition.

“Model Baby”

Project Runway host Heidi Klum and her husband, Grammy-award winning singer Seal, have a new baby girl. The famous couple and their 4 kids now have 30 days to allow TV cameras into their home for their legally required reality show.

“A Fair of State”

Oprah Winfrey attended the State Fair of Texas, where she also taped episodes of her talk show this week. Other states have invited Oprah in the past, but Texas is the only state big enough for her to fit into.

“Give Peace Prize a Chance”

President Barak Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Presumably, in a bet.

There are some who, though happy for Obama, really feel that the Nobel was more deserved by Beyonce.

Obama was awarded the prize “for his… efforts to strengthen… diplomacy and cooperation.” That’s international politics language for “Good try.”

The president says he looks on the prize as a “call to action.” Aren’t you supposed to win a prize for already completing an action?

Experts say Obama would have been the runner-up for the Nobel, had Perez Hilton asked him his views on gay marriage.

Obama joins the ranks of Al Gore, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Democrats are confused because they thought he was all 4 of them, combined.

Former President George W. Bush offered his congratulations to President Obama on winning the prize, along with a piece of advice. Bush said, “Don’t eat that whole chocolate coin at once or you’ll get a tummy-ache.”

“Moaning and Groening” or “Treehouse of Whore?”

Marge Simpson will appear nude in the November issue of Playboy. The pictures will be completely drawn and painted but will still be less airbrushed than their usual models.

Fans look forward to seeing the pictures, but her interview makes her seem two-dimensional.

Thankfully, Patty and Selma won’t be in their upcoming twins issue.

“Gay Ol’ Time”

The House of Representatives voted today to extend hate crime laws to protect gays and the disabled. Gay advocacy groups immediately filed suit against the House for equating homosexuality with having a disability.

The law provides harsher penalties for violence that targets gays and lesbians specifically, meaning gay S&M bars will all be shut down.

Legal experts argue, however, that if a criminal now disables a gay person, it creates a double-jeopardy loophole.

Opponants argued that “at this rate, it will soon be illegal to commit crimes against anyone.”

“Top Downer”

A study in the UK found that noise levels from driving a convertible car with the top down can damage your hearing. Doctors are working on a procedure to give men a bigger penis so they won’t need a convertible.

Data from the study was presented at a doctors’ convention in San Diego, very loudly.

For years, paparazzi photographers have provided proof that a convertible is also really bad for your hairstyle.

“Getting Back in the Ring”

Astronomers have discovered a previously unseen ring around Saturn, far larger than any of its more easily visible rings. Tabloids say this means that Saturn and the sun are now secretly engaged.

The ring could only be seen using an infrared lens. It could be made more visible, but NASA would have to pay $1.99 for the new ring tone.

“Tall Tail”

A study suggests that tall men have an easier time finding attractive female partners. Unless their gay. Right, Tom Cruise?

“Tree Strikes”

Here in California, tree farmers are concerned about a possible infestation of tiny insects that can carry citrus greening disease, which kills citrus trees. The farmers’ only weapon so far is to provide the insects and trees with free condoms.

“Heavy Medicine”

Primary care doctors are being encouraged to talk to their overweight patients about obesity in light of its many related health problems. Physicians are sometimes reluctant due to embarrassment, and also because doctors make more money off of sick people.

Another factor making these discussions awkward: fat doctors.

“Past his Prime Time?”

The Jay Leno Show’s ratings have slid steadily down since the show’s debut 3 weeks ago, causing NBC to finish in 5th place in the 10 pm time slot through the week. NBC has a cure. Leno will be forced to have affairs with several women on his staff.

Insiders say NBC is also thinking about replacing Leno’s show with some comedy.

“Splashdown”

NASA plans to launch missiles into the surface of the moon tomorrow to raise a plume of surface dust, looking for signs of water. If they can raise water this way, it will be a boon for the moon’s surfing industry.

Scientists are hopeful that earth can eventually harness the moon’s water and pollute it.

“Driving Under the Ignorance”

A judge cleared Mel Gibson’s criminal record Tuesday, on the completion of his probation from his 2006 drunk-driving conviction. Gibson made one request of the judge: that he also clear the historical record of any references to The Holocaust.

Mel apologized shortly after his arrest for his drunken tirade about Jews and women. From now on, he will limit his comments to Jewish women.

Mel seems to have learned his lesson, having also paid a $1600 fine, which is less than his daily craft service budget for Lethal Weapon 5.

“Sex Crime Losing Potency?”

The FBI reports that rape cases have fallen to their lowest level in 20 years. Law enforcement and DNA scientists say more convictions are a deterrent and keep criminals off the streets, but really, in this economy, most would-be rapists just can’t afford the van.

Office and campus escort policies and other prevention education and safety factors all contribute, but rapists say that women just don’t dress like their asking for it anymore.

“DMD-Cup” or “Dental Decay”

A San Jose, CA dentist has been charged for performing breast exams on female patients. The dentist insists that he plainly told the patients that he wanted to drill them.

The dentist also said that female patients without insurance have to pay up-front.

The dentist admitted that neglect of his morals led to their decay.

A patient said that he’d crossed the line when he said he needed to examine her mouth with his penis.

He also didn’t care if she spit or swallowed.

The man will likely lose his license to be a fake doctor.

“Tiger 1, Trespasser 0” or "Cat Bungler"

In Calgary, Alberta, a man who sneaked into a Canadian zoo after hours Monday had his arms injured when he reached into the tigers’ enclosure. The tiger has not been charged with any crime, but is already wearing stripes.

Ironically, the man sneaked into the zoo because the tickets cost half an arm and a leg.

“Toilet Paper the School”

A school in Cork, Ireland struggling with budget problems may start asking students to bring their own roll of toilet paper to school. Any brand is welcome except Scot Tissue.

In a related story, some students have begun requesting that the pages of their textbooks be perforated and quilted.

To make sure students are prepared when arriving at school, instead of taking attendance, teachers will just do a roll call.

Math teachers in particular will have to make sure the youngest students have the skills to know the difference between numbers 1 and 2.

“Shroud of Mystery”

An Italian group of scientists have created a duplicate of the shroud of Turin in an attempt to debunk the shroud’s authenticity. Perhaps growing overconfident, they then got a copy of the bible and photocopied it.

A Christian group is now trying to debunk the scientists’ authenticity.

The actual shroud is owned by the Vatican, who has made no official claim regarding it’s authenticity, nor any explanation for its “Made in China” tag.

“Gold Standard”

The value of gold surged to $1,040 an ounce this week, breaking the thousand-dollar mark for the first time ever. This means that, if you include his teeth, Flavor Flav is no longer completely worthless to society.

Internationally, this news would be more exciting if the dollar was actually still worth something.

“The Late Show Latest”

Jokes 10.02.09


“The Late Show Latest”

David Letterman announced on his show that he had been the victim of an alleged blackmail scheme for sleeping with members of his staff. Paul Schaffer was quick to point out that it was entirely consensual.

It’s ironic that only a couple weeks after NBC put Jay Leno on at 10pm, all of CBS’s drama moved to 11:30.

The women he slept with who worked for his production company had kept it quiet until now, but it was Dave who just couldn’t keep it in his Worldwide Pants.

Amazingly, no evidence of the scandal had ever leaked out of Letterman’s Worldwide Pants.

Jimmy Kimmel almost had a similar scandal recently, but was able to avoid it when nobody wanted to sleep with him.

Letterman hinted that the sexual relationships had gotten pretty wild when he referred to them as “stupid pet tricks.”

Initially, Letterman just wanted to make sure that his sex partners gave him higher ratings than they gave Conan.

Letterman joked through his description of the real-life ordeal, leaving the audience unsure of whether or not the whole thing was made up. That is, until he read his list of “Top Ten Chicks I’ve Banged on this Show.”

Letterman has always looked confident onstage, even if a segment wasn’t getting big laughs. Now we know why: he always had another piece on the side.

Sarah Palin plans to call for Letterman to quit his job, or as she calls it, “Going Rogue.”

The alleged blackmailer is Emmy winning CBS News producer Robert Halderman, was has been suspended by the network and arrested following a sting operation with police. It’s possible that all this backstabbing, scandal, and intrigue is just part of CBS new season of “Survivor: The Ed Sullivan Theatre.”

“Chinese Fireworks”

In New York, protesters gathered outside the Empire State Building following Wednesday’s lighting of red and yellow lights atop the building in tribute to China’s 60th anniversary. The protesters criticized China’s communist empire and rule of Tibet, but hello people, it’s called the “Empire State” building.

Chinese government representatives at the lighting were appalled, not so much by the protesters display, but by the fact that they weren’t hauled off to prison.

China was very happy to arrange a compromise tribute. There will be no lights for the anniversary, but everyone working inside the Empire State Building will be denied all human rights.

“Latest Dramatic Episode”

TLC has halted production of Kate Plus Eight in light of Jon Gosselin’s move for a cease and desist. This should be reversed by TLC’s countermove to stop payment on his checks.

“Scan Plan”

The Transportation Security Administration plans to add 150 body imaging scanners to airports, despite protests that they invade privacy by allowing screeners to basically see people naked. Skepticism is higher since the screeners’ new restriction, “No fat chicks.”

“Primate Practice”

Analysis of the 4 million year-old female ape-like fossil known as “Ardi,” has upset ideas about evolution; mainly that the divergence between man and chimps occurred at least a million years before previously thought. Ardi’s bones revealed this when discovered close to the ruins of the partially buried Statue of Liberty.

Said an angry paleontologist, “You maniacs! You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.”

The fossilized remains suggest a creature about 4 feet tall. To prove that she was more human than animal, scientists are carefully combing the site where she was found, certain that they will eventually find high heeled shoes.

Stuff in the News today...

Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.



On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.



President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.



Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.

“Kate Plus Eight Is Enough”

The popular reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight is being renamed Kate Plus Eight due to the break-up of the marriage. Kate will be getting physical custody of the children, while Jon will be getting physical with other women.

Despite allegations of infidelity on both sides, the real issue between the couple was which one of them was a bitch and which was just acting like one.

The network confirms that Jon will still be part of the show, meaning a check made out to him will be split eight ways for child support.

Jon and Kate both still have an exclusive arrangement with TLC, but then again, they both also used to have an exclusive arrangement with each other.

TLC briefly considered calling the show Bitch and a Bunch o’ Babies.

Producers were conflicted about which parent to feature more since their split, but ultimately it came down to showcasing what the audience really wants to see: Kate’s horrible hair.

“Re-pent Up”

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, which meant Jewish people everywhere spent the day atoning for their sins. Unfortunately, Mel Gibson said he isn’t buying it.

“The Supremes”

The U.S. Supreme Court justices had their new group photograph taken Tuesday. The formal photo-op was quiet and uneventful except, of course, for Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s usual Basic Instinct leg-uncrossing.

“Tonight Postponed A Day”

On Friday, production stopped on the Tonight Show when Conan O’Brien had to be taken to the hospital. During the taping of a sketch, he had received a really big head injury. The injury wasn’t really big; just his head.

“Dumb Struck”

A study suggests that spanking of children may lower their IQ. A pro-spanking parent said, “I only spank my kid ‘cause he’s so stupid in the first place.”

This also explains parents’ retort to their misbehaving kids, “Don’t get smart with me.”

The spanking study was conducted by the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Laboratory, under discipline expert Professor Murray Straus, or as he prefers to be called, Mistress Raven.

As for adults with low IQ’s, now we know what you’re into. (Wink.)

“17 Billion, Trillion and Counting”

A Bank of America customer has filed a lawsuit for bad service, suing for $1784 billion, trillion. The man claims to have like, a ka-jillion supporters.

The bank has asked the man to drop the suit, and they offer their apology- times infinity!

The man wants the money delivered to his top secret tree fort in his backyard.

The bank said he can have the money, but only if he carries it all out himself, in pennies.

Rumor has it the U.S. government may not only allow the suit, but will award the full amount to the plaintiff, just to get their cut in tax money.

“Living Doll”

Mattel’s iconic doll Barbie is going to become the star of a live-action movie. The producers are already looking for an actress small enough to fit into Barbie’s clothes.

Some changes are necessary to insure a successful Hollywood movie. The actress selected to play Barbie will have a new face sewn to a fashionable style and her clothes will be painted on.

“Baby, Baby”

An Arkansas woman and her husband discovered that she got pregnant while already pregnant for 2-and-a-half weeks, which is extremely rare. Even less common, however: the Arkansas couple discovered they are not brother and sister.

“Ice Capades”

NASA has discovered that the moon has a large amount of ice in its soil. Future uses of the ice may include separating the water into hydrogen for fuel and breathable oxygen. Best of all, astronauts in space will finally be able to keep their drinks cool.

Among the experiments NASA wants to conduct is a measure of the ice in the moon’s surface soil. Due to the millions of dollars it will cost, critics say NASA is already on thin ice.

As far as what to do with melted ice imbedded in soil, that’s where it gets into muddy water.

“Bottom of the Summit” or “What Up, G?”

In Pittsburgh, the latest G-20 economic summit was met by at least several hundred protesters. The usual marches and chants were angrier than past summits, because this time the protesters had to come to Pittsburgh.

The Mamas and the Papas and the Daughter”

In her new book, former child star Mackenzie Phillips alleges that she had a 10-year incestuous sexual affair with her father, singer late John Phillips. Many have been shocked and disappointed, saying, “John, you could have done so much better.”

Slightly lessening the moral outrage, Mackenzie confirms that John was, at least, still alive at the time of the affair.

“Old Saying”

The world’s oldest man gave a speech at his 113th birthday party this week. No one had the heart to tell him that he had given the exact same speech last year.

“Gaining Exposure”

Michigan’s state legislature is trying to ban explicit billboards for strip bars and adult bookstores. State senators say that when they pass these billboards of scantily clad women in suggestive poses, they want to see them going down.

Though the courts have often struck down such bans as First Amendment violations, the legislators assure voters that they will be keeping a close eye on the billboard ads.

Resolved not to waste taxpayer money to fight the issue, several state senators have pledged their own money to investigate these businesses, personally, and the money is in the form of a big roll of singles.

“They Grow Up So Fast”

In Indonesia, a woman gave birth to a 19.2 lb. baby boy. She has decided to name him, “I Hate You.”

The mother didn’t just have a cesarean section, she had the whole cesarean.

Actually, the operation was simple. The doctor just made one cut and then the baby stepped out.

Doctors trying to explain how the baby got to be so heavy said that most babies move and kick a lot in the womb, but this one just played video games.

The baby appeared healthy to hospital staff before it broke through the walls and began eating people.

The baby will soon be starring in a remake of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.

Though it’s controversial, the parents plan on raising the child as a human.

Since bonding with the mother right away is important, the mom has been constantly letting her new son carry her around in his arms.

The parents can’t wait for the baby to say his first words, “Fe, fi, fo, fum.”

“Blood Moon”

A long-term scientific study shows that a full moon does not have any effect on the outcome of heart surgery. The only mystery left is how the people who thought it would were called scientists.

The the surgeries were proven not to be directly affected, several of the doctors turned into wolves and ate their patients, who then failed to show up as part of the study.

“Out of Alaska”

Sarah Palin is on her first trip to Asia, and spoke today in Hong Kong. The first thing she said was, “I can see my house from here.”

“Smoky Flavor”

Tuesday, the new federal ban on fruit, candy, and clove flavored cigarettes took effect. The FDA says that such flavored tobacco products are a gateway to habitual teen smoking. Unfortunately, ever since they revealed that, the flavored crystal-meth business has been booming.

“Crime Doesn’t Pay”

A 91-year-old Palm Beach man thwarted a burglar when he awoke from bed, grabbed his gun, and chased the burglar off by firing a warning shot – all while naked. The man told the burglar to keep his hands in the air, to which the burglar said, “Shoot me if you want. I’m covering my eyes!”

“High Conscience Highness”

Prince Charles is urging the people of Great Britain to walk or use public transportation to get to work. Charles pointed out that he never drives to work, mainly because he doesn’t have a real job.

To really be environmental, the Royal family will start putting solar panels on their teeth.

“In Denial”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday that he is proud of his remarks denying the Holocaust. While this seems odd, it is consistent with his also being proud of his bad breath, low I.Q., and tiny penis.

The only thing that Ahmadinejad seems more proud of than his Holocaust denials is his vintage, beige Members Only jacket.

“Pumped, Up in Age”

A Japanese bodybuilder continues to win championships at the age of 74. His goal is to inspire others towards a healthy lifestyle, and by stripping down and flexing in his Speedo, he certainly is putting a new wrinkle on it.

The bodybuilder spends most of his time at the gym to work out, because when he’s home, he feels compelled to just yell at kids to get off his lawn.

“Pained Win”

After winning her Emmy award Sunday night, actress Kristen Chenowith had to be checked by paramedics after complaining of a migraine. The paramedics initially found no pulse, but only because they mistook the Emmy statuette for Chenowith since it was taller.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

“Tehr-ible Speech”

At a prayer gathering in Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a speech calling the Holocaust a “myth,” resulting in his being heckled and called a liar from the crowd. Finally, Joe Wilson and Kanye West have done something useful.

“All A-bored”

Saturday is “Talk Like a Pirate Day,” an annual excuse for exercising gruff, sea-faring terminology, which is all in fun unless you’ve been hijacked in the pacific by murderous Somali bandits.

“Text Sex Sting”

The Iowa Supreme Court upheld the conviction of a young man who sent a text photo of his erect penis to a teen female friend from school. The man had hoped that the court would overturn the conviction and that the girl would uphold his penis.

The fine he paid for disseminating obscene material to a minor was $250. At 25 cents per text, the picture was literally worth a thousand words.

This follows a trend of young people checking out each other’s cell phone skins.

The conviction in the original case was pretty solid, since the prosecution had photographic evidence of what the man was thinking with.

The girl who received the photo can’t be fully regarded as a victim in the case, because, since receiving the photo, she has kept her phone on vibrate.

“New Year’s Eats”

This weekend is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. Among the holiday’s customs is dipping apples and other fruits in honey as a symbol for starting the year with sweetness. Then the rest of the year is spent worrying about getting diabetes.

“The Newlywed Gays”

George Takei, of Star Trek fame, and his long-time partner and new husband will appear as the first gay couple on a celebrity week of The Newlywed Game on GSN. Bob Eubanks, who no longer hosts the show, will still hit on both of them.

Even though they will be the show’s first gay couple officially, telling secrets about your home life, getting excited about home appliances, and applauding to flashing lights and bright music have always made this a gay show.

TV historians note that the first gay, men to sit side by side on a game show were Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers on Match Game.
-Innuendo "blank."

Game shows actually have a long history of gay personalities, from center square Paul Lynde on the original Hollywood Squares to every single cast member of American Gladiators.

“No Dirt over Dirty Dancing Star”

Actor Patrick Swayze’s body was cremated on Thursday. He could have had a monument at a beautiful corner cemetery lot, but, per his wife’s request, nobody puts Swayze in a corner.

“Eye of the Beholder” or “Fangs for the Memories”

A Mississippi woman who has been blind for 10 years had her sight restored when surgeons used a filed down tooth to hold a new lens in place in her eye. She can now see normally and just has to brush her eye twice a day.

The patient has been taking in every detail around her and they say she has a sharp eye.

She is able to see well enough to read again and has already chewed through several books.

She just has to be careful not to blink too hard, and that really bites.

Friends say the woman is thrilled to have the tooth in place. She hasn’t said so, but they can see it in her eyes.

Maintenance is simple. Once in a while she just has to whiten the tooth with a little Visine.

If her eyes get red, she just puts on one of those Crest whitening strips.

The only problem is that now, tweezing her eyebrows while driving is like pulling teeth.

Her color contact lenses have given her a built-in Bluetooth.

“Putting the Ache in Acorn”

The House of Representatives voted to stop federal funding to ACORN, in the wake of undercover photojournalists’ video expose showing ACORN employees helping to hide prostitution, illegal alien trafficking, and child exploitation through tax fraud. President Obama, a former supporter, hopes the ACORN falls very far from the tree.

The group’s CEO said they “will go to whatever lengths necessary to reestablish the public trust.” In other words, shut down and reopen with a new name in 2 weeks.

ACORN loss of federal funds won’t hurt the group financially, since they clearly know how to make a lot more money by going into underage prostitution trafficking.

The House vote to cut funding was 345 to 75. The majority 345 were appalled by the group’s employees handling of the fake, undercover prostitution ring, while the other 75 were customers of real prostitutes.

“Executive Derision”

President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass” for stealing Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMA’s. While some have criticized the comment, he’s right.

The remark was supposed to be off-the-record, but technically not off-the-twitter.

The president was going to say more, but Joe Wilson interrupted him.

Kanye did finally call Taylor Swift and apologize to her after her appearance on The View, at which Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie,” and then the whole cycle started again.

“Broiled New World”

Astronomers have confirmed the first solid-rock planet outside of our solar system. They are calling it the lava planet because its surface temperature is 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. But it’s a dry heat.

The news of this planet’s existence is very exciting, especially to novelty gift manufacturers who want to mine the surface material to put it in lava lamps.

Scientists say that the temperature extremes make it impossible for any life to exist on the planet. Even if it did, their sunscreen costs and air conditioning bills would have killed them.

“Burt’s Hurt” or “Reynolds’ Rap”

Burt Reynolds checked himself into rehab this week for prescription painkiller addiction. Reynolds pain was not from any injury, but for moviegoers who sat through Striptease and The Dukes of Hazard.

“Blockbusted”

Blockbuster Video is closing 800 to 900 stores by the end of next year, due to the recession and competition from Netflix and Redbox. The movie retail giant has a new business plan, but when they tried to put it in place they found it was already scratched and unusable.

“Electric Planet”

NASA reports that a lightning storm on the planet Saturn has been going for a record 8 months. Scientists believe the storm began right after some poor guy on Saturn washed his car.

The continuous storm activity shows a similarity to Earth, in that, every day Saturn’s weatherman says it will be sunny.

“Burglary and Buggery” or “Double the Stubble”

A gay porn star and his twin brother faced burglary charges in Philadelphia Thursday for cutting a hole in the roof of a beauty shop to break in. They were caught when, out of habit, they filmed themselves penetrating the hole.

They could have targeted any type of business for their heist, but chose a beauty shop because it was the most stereotypical.

They broke in because, unlike their movies, the back door was not wide open.

Once the hole in the roof was made, and the gay porn actor was the first to go down.

The idea of prison brought both men to their knees.

MY FATHER'S... DAY

Today is my father's birthday, so Happy Birthday, Dad! (This counts as a gift, right?)

“Oh, Mr. Wilson”

The House of Representatives voted to formally admonish Rep. Joe Wilson for his outburst as President Obama spoke to Congress last week. Wilson now has to stay after session and clap out the erasers for 2 weeks.

The House members then voted themselves a formal pat on the back for proving they can get things done.

House Democrats had insisted that Wilson offer an apology to the House, above the apology he made to the president. Meanwhile, the ones who are really sorry are Americans without health care.

The reprimand over his outburst goes down on Wilson’s permanent record, and the campaign money he’s received since the outburst goes down on his books as $500,000.

“Girl Interrupted”

At last night’s MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West grabbed the microphone from Best Female Video winner Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to praise a Beyonce video. The other thing Kanye seemed to like besides Beyonce: alcohol.

Kanye wasn’t so much trying to steal the spotlight from Taylor as he was trying to take attention off his stupid swirl-doodle haircut.

The winners of the awards were determined by MTV’s viewing audience, which is odd, because every single one of them is too young to vote.

“Where There’s a Wilson, There’s a Way”

Rep. Joe Wilson’s interuption during President Obama’s address to Congress is fueling a backlash. For instance, Vice President Joe Biden said Wilson’s outburst demeaned the institution of the presidency, as he lay on the floor growling with a piece of raw meet in his teeth.

Wilson has raised $500,000 in campaign contributions from Republican supporters since the incident. He’s even changed his campaign slogan to, “You Lie!”

Wilson apologized after the outburst, but based on the cash flow towards his reelection, his whole new political strategy will now be outburst, apology, outburst, apology.

Critics question whether Wilson was genuinely sorry for calling the president a liar, since his apology came with a pair of trousers meant to replace the president’s pants-on-fire.

“Cheetah Girl”

At the Cincinnati Zoo, an 8-year old cheetah named Sarah broke the world’s land-speed record for mammals. She ran 100 meters in 6.13 seconds, shattering the old record by 3 seconds. Her competitors are, of course, now demanding gender testing.

Cheetahs’ speed comes from their sleek body structure, efficient food-to-energy conversion, and, of course, massive doses of steroids.

“Shoe on the Other Foot”

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at then-President Bush is to be showered with gifts upon his upcoming jail release, including several fathers’ marriage offers for their daughters. Any such bride, however, will be sad, because her husband cares nothing about shoes.

His gifts include a 2-story house in a posh section of Baghdad. “Posh” meaning, “Not blown up.”

Of course, a 2 story house in Baghdad usually means a one story house that fell on top of another one story house.

“Sex Crime”

Earlier this week an Ohio man crashed his car through the entrance to an adult book store. He apparently missed the sign that said, “parking in the rear.’

The man was, at least, wearing his seatbelt. He remembered that whenever you go into a sex store, you should always wear protection.

After the crash, the man stole a sex toy and fled the scene. Police had the shop owner describe the missing dildo… and the sex toy he stole.

“Oldest Title Passed On”

The world’s oldest person, a 115-year-woman originally from Georgia, passed away this week. Naturally, police suspect foul play.

She had been living here in Los Angeles, or as she called it, “the cougar den.”

She either had a heart attack or OD’ed on Geritol.

Doctors haven’t yet confirmed the cause of death, but have ruled out a motorcycle jump over a shark tank.

The title of oldest person now goes to a 114 year old woman living in Japan. Her hobbies include blinking and occasionally making sense.

“Battle of the Sex”

The IAAF’s unreleased gender testing report on South African runner Caster Semenya says that she was found to have internal testes and no ovaries. The Australian press leaked the information to the public, which really shows balls.

Supporters are encouraging Caster to take stand, just like she does when she pees.

It appears that Caster puts the “organ” in “organized women’s sports.”

“Americ-ellen Idol”

Replacing Paula Abdul, Ellen Degeneres has been named as the new 4th judge on American Idol. It’s unclear exactly why producers chose the blonde, gay, sport-jacket clad TV host since they already have a Ryan Seacrest.

“Under the Weather”

Media mogul and pioneer Frank Batten, Sr., who co-founded the Weather Channel, died Thursday at the age of 82. Batten’s wife and 3 adult children show an 80% chance of shedding heavy tears through midweek, then a sharp cooling off in the fight for his money.

Friends, colleagues, and loved ones, will be paying their local respects “on the 8’s.”

“Duvall Unzipped his Lip… and More”

California Assemblyman Mike Duvall has resigned over a videotape scandal wherein the married state legislator bragged about his sexual exploits. These days, if you’re a Republican and you don’t brag about the women you’re sleeping with, everyone assumes you’re gay.

Duvalls recorded comments including graphic statements about a lobbyist mistress who wears “eye-patch underwear.” The patch, it is presumed, was worn at the capital to prevent obvious winking.

“The Richies Get Richier”

Nicole Richie just had a baby. On September 9, she gave birth to a boy weighing in at 7 lbs. 14 oz., so he already outweighs her.

The baby’s name is Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow (again) after Nicole’s weight.

“Keill-ed Over”

A Prairie Home Companion radio host Garrison Keillor suffered a minor stroke Sunday morning, but appears to be doing well. To aid in his recovery, he’ll be spending a quiet week in Lake Woebegone, his hometown.

The stroke may or may not have been brought on by powdered milk biscuits and ketchup.

“Seeking Jobs”

Steve Jobs, head of Apple, has come back into the public eye after months of seclusion as he recovered from a liver transplant. Unfortunately for him, next week is the unveiling of the twice-as-good, next generation iLiver.

“In Plane Sight”

Hijackers who took control of a passenger plane in Cancun had it flown to Mexico City, but were captured without any passenger injuries upon landing. Officials knew they could outsmart the hijackers as soon as it became apparent that they wanted to stay in Mexico.

The airliner had been identified as Mexican because there were 104 passengers aboard and the plane seats only 40.

Though a passenger reported that one hijacker threatened to have a bomb, no explosive device appears to have been brought aboard. Most likely this is due to the additional charge for any extra carry-on luggage.

“Made Up News”

Caster Semenya, the South African track and field champion who underwent gender testing last month to prove she’s a woman has now gotten a makeover and is trying to appear more feminine. For instance, she’s copying moves from Ryan Seacrest.

She’s also borrowing clothes from the Jonas brothers.

Caster has bought new dresses, begun wearing makeup, and even shaved around her penis.

Maybe experts wouldn’t be so cynical about Semenya if she didn’t have the word ‘semen’ right in her name.

Even though gender testing can be embarrassing, Caster doesn’t seem to mind the testers any more than they mind the testes.

“Courtship Ritual”

Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor was officially seated on the bench of the nation’s highest court today, having sworn to “do equal justice to the poor and to the rich.” …Unless they are white; then she’s gonna kick their asses.

“Man in the Moon”

The proposed return mission to the moon by the year 2020 has been scrapped following a White House report by a panel of experts. This will save tens of billions of dollars over the next ten years, and it means the moon people don’t have to build their restraining wall to keep us out.

“We Don’t Need ‘No Education’” or “I believe the Children Are Our Future”

President Obama delivered a speech to school children on live TV today, focused on the importance of staying in school, working hard, and preparing for the future. Most students reacted positively, since it meant they got to blow off class time.

The president’s speech lasted about 15 minutes, meaning that China, Japan, and Europe are now another 15 minutes ahead of us academically.

“Be Positive”

This week a New York man is celebrating a milestone of giving 320 pints of blood, equal to 40 gallons. What makes this story unusual in New York is that the blood is all his own.

“Texas Toilet Justice”

A Texas man was jailed for 2 days after following a judge into a courthouse men’s room and berating him over a family court case. Luckily, the bathroom confrontation didn’t get physical, because Texas mandates a death sentence for giving someone a swirlie.

“Speech Class”

President Obama’s planned televised speech to school children is sparking protests. Some argue that the live, daytime broadcast shouldn’t be taking up classroom time, when the students could be busy failing.

A lot of the protests are about the accompanying questionnaires the White House is distributing to go with the speech. Parents and kids alike complain, “What’s the point of watching something on TV if I’m only gonna have to read anyway?”

“O.J. Feeling the Squeeze”

Nevada’s state Supreme Court has denied bail to O.J. Simpson, who is trying to appeal the case in which he was convicted of kidnapping and armed robbery. Since it’s Nevada, Simpson plans to commit another crime and then see if he can double down.

While O.J. sits in prison, the other inmates are trying very hard not to look like Nicole Brown Simpson or Ron Goldman.

“Inn-fants”

In South Africa, the world’s first Baby Hotel has opened, where in-need parents can check in their little ones overnight, with an included dinner, bath, and potty training. The only problem so far is the babies getting drunk off the mini-bar.

When the hotel’s 5-star restaurant serves wine, cork service includes the wait staff pouring a little on their own arm to make sure it’s the right temperature.

They already sometimes see 2 babies check in together who register under fake names because they obviously aren’t married.

“Final Farewell”

And finally…in a private ceremony for Michael Jackson’s family here in Los Angeles, The King of Pop’s burial finally took place Thursday, wrapping up his chart-topping, 2-month postmortem, summer tour.

“Looking for a Hand Out?”

A Bank of America branch in Miami refused to cash a check for a man with no arms because he couldn’t provide a thumbprint. A representative later offered the man the bank’s apologies and a handshake.

The customer also applied for an adjustable rate mortgage, but again the bank declined him, saying he didn’t have any collateral for an ARM loan.

The bank offered to open an account for the man, along with a free digital watch as a gift. Digital because it has no hands.

The man was out of luck, because he didn't want to open an account, he just wanted the cash in hand.

The bank workers then continued to awkwardly stumble over several such references ranging from a “thumbs up” to something about elbow macaroni.

“Cat’s, No, Bull’s Eye”

A cat in Indiana came home with an arrow through its head. Fortunately, a vet removed the arrow and the cat is fine, except that he’s now being sued by Steve Martin.

The arrow-impaled cats’s name is Brownie, but his owner is going to change it to Bo.

Brownie’s trauma over the arrow-through-the-head was made worse by local mice who would try to get him to chase them through narrow doorways.

“Baked Sale”

A group of five Los Angeles pre-school teachers were duped by a bogus bake sale fundraiser, and bought and ate marijuana brownies. The unwitting staff members realized something was amiss after 3 hours of “Duck, Duck, Goose,” in which only the teachers had been playing.

The children spent that afternoon trying to get the teachers to quite down and stop laughing.

Sadly, the teachers have moved on to harder stuff, like cupcakes and rice krispy treats.

“Addressing a Public Issue: Raising a Stink”

The city of Honolulu is considering local legislation to address the problem of bad odors on local buses. This will be a change from the old official policy of blaming it on the dog.

The city council will vote on a bill to prevent smelly articles from being brought onto public transit. If is passes, people living on bus stop benches won’t to have to be exposed to other people’s bad odor anymore.

The bill will also address drunkenness, spitting, or urinating on a bus. Those things are meant to be done in the bus station.

If the bill passes, people who produce an offensive smell on a bus can be ejected and/or fined. So if you break wind on a bus, you may wind up paying for your own gas.

The ACLU argues that the odor bill’s enforcement would be arbitrary and would become prejudicial. So now the gloves are off, but the shoes have to stay on.

The bill is also being lobbied against by a wealthy contingent of winos and hobos.

“Alarming Fire”

Fire officials fighting the blaze north of Los Angeles this week believe the fire to have been started by humans. This was a big relief to area wildlife who have been carelessly tossing away their lit cigarette butts.

Animals.

The bad news is, the fire is currently said to be threatening as many as 12,000 homes. The good news is, based on the recent mortgage crisis, many residents are pretty psyched about that.

“Brawl with a Drawl”

In suburban Memphis, 31 high school students are being charged for organizing and participating in a Fight Club. Of course, that’s nothing compared to what’s going to happen to them for talking about Fight Club.

Experts say it makes sense that these high school boys might set up a Fight Club as depicted in the 1999 movie, suburban Tennessee kids typically live 10 years in the past.

Saddest of all, not one of them even remotely resembles Brad Pitt.

Authorities are pleased to say that the fight club has been completely disbanded and no one will ever hear anything about it ever again… sir.

“Product 19” or "But Who's Counting?"

Michelle Duggar, the mom from 18 Kids and Counting, is pregnant with her 19th child. Duggar may become a world record holder, both for her number of kids and for being the only woman in the world who can stand up straight and have her vagina touch the floor.

Michelle says the only disadvantage to having a reality show is constantly being surrounded by so many strangers. At which point her husband reminded her, “Those are our children.”

Duggar says that fans of her reality show don’t ask her for her autograph, they just walk up to her and impregnate her.

Michelle and her TV time have actually caused the Octomom to suffer from p**sy envy.

“Unisex Education”

In Vermont, a transgendered teenager is campaigning to have all public high school bathrooms be genderless. In support, all the teen boys want co-ed locker rooms.

The teen recalled avoiding going to the bathroom at school throughout the school year for fear of being harassed or bullied. This psychological affliction has previously only thought to have affected nerds.

“Extra Credit Cards”

In New Jersey, a social studies teacher has been charged for taking cash bribes for students wanting better grades. In her defense, economics is part of social studies.

The administration became suspicious when it seemed that smart kids were the ones who still had their lunch money.

The teacher claims that the money was for charity for extra credit, which is partly true. Her bribe money paid bills, improving her credit.

“Don’t Have a Cow” or “Hard Cheese”

Researchers say that 60% of the world’s adults are lactose intolerant, meaning it’s only a minority for whom milk is even healthy. Those who can drink it insist that it’s the cream that rises to the top.

Some suggest that the problem is milk alone, and there is less trouble digesting, say, Swiss cheese. But there a lot of holes in that theory.