Rod Blagojevich was removed as governor today following the Illinois senate vote ending his impeachment trial. Blagojevich claimed that he has “done absolutely nothing wrong.” Sure, he put Barack Obama’s Senate seat up for sale, but hey, nobody bought it.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Name Blame
A new study from Social Science Quarterly says that boys with uncommon names are more likely to commit a crime than boys with popular names. I guess that explains what went wrong with Adolph and Benito.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Long Rodent to Recovery
In Spain, a new study found that stem cells can reverse paralysis in rats. The finding are very encouraging to the science and medical communities, but are being seen as a blow to opponents of stem cell research and people who hate rats.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
“Post Knows Bills”
Due to budget deficit concerns, the U.S. Postmaster requested of Congress today that mail delivery be cut to five days a week. The downside is that every disgruntled postal employee’s pay cut is going to require twice as much spending on Homeland Security.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
Action (Against) Jackson
Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, over royalties from their collaborative music video, Thriller. Landis co-wrote the groundbreaking 80’s video, in which Jackson transformed into a freakish, skeletal creature that sang and danced, but caused teens to scream in terror. Jackson is counter-suing Landis for dooming him by predicting that future.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Cutting Down on Caffeine
Coffee giant Starbucks announced another 300 store closures in addition to the 600 already planned for this year. In their own terms, the company is scaling back from ‘Venti’ to ‘Grande.’
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
Monday, January 26, 2009
For the Birds
The FAA is getting ready to test a new radar system designed to track the flight of flocks of birds. In light of the Hudson River plane landing caused by birds earlier this month, fresh technologies may be a sign of this new presidential era. Bush just wanted to arrest the birds as terrorists.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Raising a Racket
Over the weekend at the Australian Open tennis tournament, Serena and Venus Williams’ doubles match was interrupted when a male streaker ran onto the court. No one stopped him because they just thought he was the ball boy.
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
Ritalin Me This
The FDA has determined that drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can have some serious side effects in rare cases. The bad news is, some ADHD patients experienced hallucinations. The good news is the patients paid no attention to them.
Booked on Charges
A woman in Iowa was arrested for failing to return a book to the library. Most shocking fact about the arrest: Apparently, people in Iowa can read.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
Friday, January 23, 2009
“Making an Appointment”
The governor of New York has appointed U.S. Rep. Kristin Gillibrand to take Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, based on his primary criteria, selecting an individual who universally drew a response of “I’ve never heard of her in my life.”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
“Cuban Export”
Fidel Castro told Argentina’s press office that he doesn’t expect to be around in another four years. Four years? What’s he worried about? Elections?
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
“Digital Clock Winding Down”
The Senate is trying to delay next months universal switch-over to all digital TV signals due to economic considerations. Opponents of the delay point at that if we were already digital, the Senate could just pause and rewind the decision to get rid of analog.
“Money Flushed Down the Toilet”
A New York landlord was forced to pay a $10,000 fine for removing the toilet from an apartment to try to force a tenant out. Meanwhile the tenant was forced to try to hold everything in.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dick on Wheels
Dick Cheney attended the inauguration ceremony pushed in a wheelchair. In an ironic twist, after pushing the country around for 8 years, he’s finally being pushed around.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Inaugural Change-of-Address
Today’s top news story is from Washington D.C.: heavy tourist traffic and the road closure of Pennsylvania Avenue has led to back-ups and delays in the surrounding area.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
History is made.
Yes, history has been made, as this blog has now surpassed the milestone of over 1,000 jokes posted. Bask in the glow of this memorable moment.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tapped Out
Beer sales have fallen off due to the sluggish economy, prompting layoffs at some smaller brewing companies. Of course, logic suggests that the people laid off will be depressed and therefore more likely to drink, pushing sales figures right back up.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Biggest City
Men’s Fitness Magazine has published a research study that reveals America’s fattest cities. Topping the list, surprisingly, is Miami, FL. The surprise is because we always just thought Miami was big boned.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Il Advised
Dictator Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his youngest son, Kim Jong Un, to succeed him as the leader of the country. Jong’s two older brothers plan to forever pretend to be happy for their younger sibling so that they won’t, you know, be killed.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
Flush on Funds
A man armed with a gun attempting a bank robbery in Kentucky was foiled after walking in to find the bank had been converted into the town’s water department two weeks prior. His quick cash grab went down the drain.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Idol Threat
American Idol, which debuted its 8th season last night, is suing an Austin, Texas strip club for trademark violation over its “Stripper Idol,” in which the audience votes to award a cash prize to a weekly winner. Losers, by definition, then try to audition for the real American Idol.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
Common Cold
Extremely cold weather has been hitting many areas across the country. To fight the cold, Al Gore is recommending that people up their fossil fuel use. “Screw conservation.”
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ancient/China
A 107-year-old woman in China is looking for a husband. Wang Guiying has never been married and says she is seeking a man who is at least 100, so they will have things to talk about. Whatever, gold-digger.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Indigestion Proposal
In Normal, Illinois, a young couple married inside a local Taco Bell this past Friday. The couple originally thought about a more formal ceremony, but they felt McDonald’s was just too snooty.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Spare the Rod, Spoil the Trial
Illinois legislators voted today to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich by a vote of 114 to 1. The only vote for him was from his own hair.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Gu Gu's Zoo Boo-boo
A giant panda named Gu Gu in the zoo in Beijing bit his third tourist. Public alarm has resulted in the zoo deciding to no longer feed him people.
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Taken to the Cleaners
Former judge Roy Pearson of Washington, D.C. is appealing his unsuccessful $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaners over a lost pair of pants. Had Pearson won, the owner of the cleaners would have counter-sued for having lost his shirt.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Home Run!
A 72-year-old Fresno, CA woman found an old baseball card and tried to sell it on eBay for $10 before learning that it was a 139-year-old photograph of the first professional baseball team in history. The card’s actual value could be $100,000, which n this economy, still means she’ll have to sell it for 10 bucks.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Power Lunch
Barack Obama had lunch today with President Bush as well as former presidents Clinton, Bush Sr., and Carter. The five of them met privately to eat and talk, and then, in order to reflect the current national situation, President Bush stuck Obama with the bill.
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
Children's Children
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Mississippi now has the highest teen birth rate. This confirms what has long been suspected: being born in Mississippi is a disease.
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
In the Spirit of Marriage
The Ghost Whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement to Scottish actor Ross McCall. Also, Medium’s Patricia Arquette and actor husband Thomas Jane filed for divorce today. So, in summary, if you’re on TV and you see dead people, it’s time to start seeing other people.
Minor Accident
A six-year-old Virginia boy who missed his school bus took the family car and drove himself several miles towards school, turns and all. He eventually crashed, but luckily received only a bump on the head. Police are checking his juice box for alcohol.
The boy said he learned to drive from playing video games like Grand Theft Auto. I hope his parents didn’t buy him any shooting games for Christmas.
Other motorists the boy passed had no idea there was a child behind the wheel, but suspected it was a boy, rather than a girl, when he refused to stop and get directions.
The boy said he learned to drive from playing video games like Grand Theft Auto. I hope his parents didn’t buy him any shooting games for Christmas.
Other motorists the boy passed had no idea there was a child behind the wheel, but suspected it was a boy, rather than a girl, when he refused to stop and get directions.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Franken's Time
In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
Bauble Trouble
Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
PrimATE
A Liberian woman who had illegally imported monkey meat to New York had her claim that it was to be eaten for spiritual purposes rejected by a federal judge. The only religious context most people have for monkeys is their 1960’s hit song, “I’m a Believer.”
The woman further claimed that the monkeys’ had no value other than as food, since they didn’t play their own instruments.
The judge said the woman’s faith was no excuse for failing to apply for special permits to import exotic food into the country. It may be that she was simply up to monkey business.
Speaking of unusual foods, it also may be that her famous tangy orange-tan sauce was, in fact, orangutan.
Health officials felt it necessary to warn consumers that eating primate meat may have negative side-effects, such as monkey-breath, and involuntarily flinging your own poo at people.
The woman further claimed that the monkeys’ had no value other than as food, since they didn’t play their own instruments.
The judge said the woman’s faith was no excuse for failing to apply for special permits to import exotic food into the country. It may be that she was simply up to monkey business.
Speaking of unusual foods, it also may be that her famous tangy orange-tan sauce was, in fact, orangutan.
Health officials felt it necessary to warn consumers that eating primate meat may have negative side-effects, such as monkey-breath, and involuntarily flinging your own poo at people.
Friday, January 2, 2009
If the Shoe Fits
The head of a West Bank Palestinian family wants to offer a reward to the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last month: their daughter. She is being offered in marriage to the journalist. What parent doesn’t want their daughter’s husband to have a violent temper and a criminal record?
The offer includes the girl as his bride and a dowry for her. The journalist may accept if the dowry is, say, a new pair of shoes.
The offer includes the girl as his bride and a dowry for her. The journalist may accept if the dowry is, say, a new pair of shoes.
Butter than Nothing
A state legislator in Missouri plans to bring an end to an 1895 law banning yellow margarine, which at the time it was passed, was meant to protect the state’s dairy industry, but as the lawmakers have now become aware, cows don’t vote.
It may be that the anti-margarine law was drafted in reaction to Imperialism.
The specific ban against yellow margarine was to protect consumers from thinking they were buying butter. In modern times, though, the law just seems racist.
It may be that the anti-margarine law was drafted in reaction to Imperialism.
The specific ban against yellow margarine was to protect consumers from thinking they were buying butter. In modern times, though, the law just seems racist.
"Out-Cast" or, "In-Fidel-ity"
Cuba’s 50th Anniversary celebration of Fidel Castro’s communist revolution was not attended by Fidel himself. Most popular theory on his absence: nobody invites an 82-year old dictator who is going to harsh everyone’s buzz at the party.
The fact that Castro didn’t even show for TV cameras leads many to believe he was to ill to be seen. My personal opinion: he was just too ugly for TV.
Raul Castro spoke to the crowd and has been running the country since his brother Fidel took ill. Prior to that, Raul lived in hiding, in Fidel’s beard.
The fact that Castro didn’t even show for TV cameras leads many to believe he was to ill to be seen. My personal opinion: he was just too ugly for TV.
Raul Castro spoke to the crowd and has been running the country since his brother Fidel took ill. Prior to that, Raul lived in hiding, in Fidel’s beard.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Teed Off
A new controversy faces the world of ladies’ golf, since it was revealed that the new winner of the Re/Max World Long Drive Championship, Lana Lawless, used to be a man. In fact, she was a SWAT policeman, but has long since retired her nightstick.
On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.
Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.
The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.
Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.
It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.
Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.
On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.
Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.
The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.
Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.
It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.
Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.
Save Ferris
In Singapore, 173 people became trapped when the world’s largest ferris wheel stopped working. Workers tried to fix it for hours, but they were just going in circles.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Snow Blower
In Anchorage, Alaska, Snowzilla, the famous 16-foot-plus snowman standing since 2005, had to be brought down due to a city abatement order, citing the structure as a public nuisance and safety hazard. Snowzilla is to be executed by electricity. Specifically: hair-dryer.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Crime Doesn't 'Pie'
A pizza delivery man was held up at gunpoint, but threw the hot pepperoni pizza at the gunman. The suspect fled the scene covered in pizza, but has been described as hot and delicious.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
China: Largest Population & Growing
China is facing a drastic increase in obesity. More Chinese people have taken to bad eating habits, and Western fast food chains such as KFC are being pointed out as a partial cause. The problem is, when Chinese people eat American food, an hour later they are hungry again.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Court-ing Taxpayers
Illinois’ state Attorney General Lisa Madigan has denied Governor Rod Blogojevich’s lawyer’s request to have the state pay for his legal defense. That just doesn’t make sense, even by Blogojevich’s own logic. If the state picks up his bill, he’ll have to give every state resident their own Senate seat.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
The Shoe Fits
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush and was subsequently arrested has said he regrets his actions and is asking to be pardoned. Some think he should go free. Others think the courts should sock it to him.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saint Lewis
Comedian Jerry Lewis will be honored at February’s Academy Awards ceremony with Oscar’s Humanitarian Award in recognition of his work as national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. As a humanitarian, he will also not force anyone to watch any of his movies.
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
$mileys Aren't Free
A Russian businessman has attempted to trademark the semicolon-hyphen-right-parentheses that form the sideways, winking smiley-face commonly used in email and text messages, in the hopes of collecting massive royalties from licensing fees. Anyone looking sideways at the smiley should sue the symbol’s “owner” for neck strain.
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
Party Favors
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevish could be the 4th out of the last 8 Illinois governors to resign or be removed from office after getting caught in a corruption scandal. For you optimists keeping score, that’s still 4 that didn’t get caught.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fire Ho's
It was reported in Los Angeles that the city’s oldest strip club, “The Body Shop” has closed down due to a fire. Fire-fighters were slow to put out the blaze because they first had to pay a cover and buy two drinks.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
He's Lost his Charm, He's Lost his Appeal
Idaho Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to overturn his disorderly conduct conviction stemming from a gay sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last June. Craig did not seek reelection in November due to the scandal, and in January he will be coming out – of the Senate.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Friday, December 5, 2008
“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
No'way, George!
In a London court today, singer Boy George was convicted of false imprisonment for cuffing and chaining a Norwegian male escort to a wall in his apartment and then hitting him with a chain following a cocaine-induced, pornographic photo session. The conviction is ironic, since the cuffing is the most legal and least offensive thing about that night.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
French Rolled
In Paris yesterday, a gang of armed robbers pulled off a $100 million jewelry heist in broad daylight at a Harry Winston boutique. Two of the 4 male robbers were dressed in women’s clothes and wigs, which experts presume is so they can look pretty when they try on the jewelry.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Bail Out of Comedy Blog Demanded
Due to the current economic crisis, felt nationwide amid massive layoffs, roller-coaster stock prices, and shaky consumer confidence, not to mention tremendous media fear-mongering, I have reached an important decision. I have called on the United States government to bail out this blog.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Heart to Heart
In Miami, a teenage girl just got her second heart transplant after living without a heart, only external pumping machines, for 118 days. It had been discovered that her first transplant failed when the Wizard of Oz had just put a clock in her chest, calling it a “testimonial.”
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"Brother, Can You Spare a Hundred Million Dollars?"
Here in California, A 57-year-old transient man, convicted of starting a 2006 fire that burned 163,000 acres, has been sentenced to nearly 4 years in prison, and ordered to pay $101 million in fines and restitution. So in exchange for destroying 11 structures and threatening so many homes, he gets a free roof over his head.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
Prone... To Talk
Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the prostitute involved in the scandal of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, is sitting down for a TV interview with 20/20’s Diane Sawyer. Nothing is off limits, and nothing is taboo, but Diane has to pay cash and promise to become a regular.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
Today is my Birthday
Feel free to offer presents. No gift cards, please.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Heavy Bondage
The new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace was number one at the box office in its weekend, taking in $70.4 million. This broke the record for any Bond opening, any Gus Van Sant-directed film, and any movie, ever, with a meaningless non sequitur for a title.
Running the Miley
Miley Cyrus is fine and well, but a hoax purporting her death in a drunk driving accident in a YouTube video, where the teen star’s account had been hacked. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus was so upset at the idea of such a horror that he regressed back to his 1992 mullet.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wuhan Clan
China’s Hubei province just wrapped up it’s 8th annual Wuhan International Acrobatics festival, celebrating 2,000 years of the art form in China. Interestingly, all of the youngest acrobats, typically age 8, were still somehow magically born prior to 1992.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Lame Duck-Hunting
Members of the Bush administration are beginning to make their plans for the time following President-Elect Obama taking office. Vice-President Dick Cheney, for example, is looking forward to shooting people in the face in the private sector.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
Manual Transition
It’s possible that President Bush isn’t yet conditioned to the idea of leaving office. After election results were announced late Tuesday night, he initially referred to Barack Obama and his staff as “the insurgency.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
New Precedent
Yesterday, the U.S elected Barack Obama to become its 44th president. But, as Barack made clear to the nation in his speech from Chicago late last night, the real victory belongs to Oprah.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Vote often!
Obviously, today is election day. Based on estimates from ACORN, ballots have already been cast by over 8 billion people.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
"Tricked Up Treat" or "All Methed Up"
A 7-year old boy in Minneapolis found a bag of money and methamphetamine mixed in with his Halloween candy, which police believe was either dropped by a man attempting to evade arrest, or else was a prop for a kid dressed up as Amy Winehouse.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WE ARE BACK!
After a long vacation, we are back at work here At News Riffs Comedy, scanning the AP wire, tuned into the news networks, and scouring the tabloids for the best possible material to create the high-quality jokes you have come to expect on this 2-or-3 posts-per week blog, Mom (and my dozen other readers).
Thanks for all your continued support.
Thanks for all your continued support.
Well Red
A new psychological study conducted at The University of Rochester found that men perceive women dressed in red to be considerably more attractive and desirable. That’s why Santa married Mrs. Claus, Roger Rabbit fell for Jessica, and John McCain chose Sarah Palin.
It also means that wearing the titular scarlet letter only made the Puritanical Hester Prynne look even hotter.
In another, more accurate study, men were more inclined to look at women wearing nothing.
In a possibly related story, George Hamilton is conducting his own study to see what women think of orange men.
It also means that wearing the titular scarlet letter only made the Puritanical Hester Prynne look even hotter.
In another, more accurate study, men were more inclined to look at women wearing nothing.
In a possibly related story, George Hamilton is conducting his own study to see what women think of orange men.
Ain't It Cruel News
A military judge ruled today that threats of death are a form of torture, even if no physical or mental injury is actually inflicted. In a related story, all parents of teenagers are being arrested as torturers.
Monday, September 29, 2008
We All Need Our Space
NASA marks its 50th birthday this week. The party, not surprisingly, will have a ‘Space’ theme.
Before blowing out the candles on their cake, however, there will be a countdown that will be halted several times for technical checks.
NASA has been in a slump, both in terms of funding and national interest, for years. Most experts place the blame on a lack of an overall guiding vision coupled with George Lucas seeming to completely “sell out” in his latest Clone Wars movie.
Before blowing out the candles on their cake, however, there will be a countdown that will be halted several times for technical checks.
NASA has been in a slump, both in terms of funding and national interest, for years. Most experts place the blame on a lack of an overall guiding vision coupled with George Lucas seeming to completely “sell out” in his latest Clone Wars movie.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Don’t Bank On It
So far, Congressional talks to fund President Bush’s proposed bank industry bailout have failed. In summary, half of Congress bailed and the other half are out.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Plane and simple
A government study identified 24 near-collisions on runways in 2008, despite the FAA’s attempt to step up runway safety. The airlines point responsibility towards passengers who didn’t return their tray tables to their upright positions.
Yaer of the Rocket
China successfully launched a rocket carrying a three-man crew into space today. The rocket looked similar to ones used by the U.S. and Russia, except it was topped with a giant paper dragon.
The crew will take part in China’s first planned spacewalk over the next 2 days. All three astronauts are fighter pilots, and all 42 years old—at least according to their Chinese passports.
The crew will take part in China’s first planned spacewalk over the next 2 days. All three astronauts are fighter pilots, and all 42 years old—at least according to their Chinese passports.
Tear Gas
A West Virginia man pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving is being charged with battery on a police officer for allegedly raising one leg, passing gas loudly, and fanning it towards the officer. Maybe they need to make the breathalyzer instructions more clear.
I understand that the officer was offended, but a battery charge? Would they hit him with a concealed weapons charge for a quiet one?
I think the guy will get off. When they read you your rights, they only tell you, “Anything you SAY can and will be used against you.”
Legally, it’s a question of the rights of the accused. From now on, it’s “You have the right to remain silent-but-deadly.”
The man may even be questioned as a terrorist, since he unleashed a biological weapon.
I understand that the officer was offended, but a battery charge? Would they hit him with a concealed weapons charge for a quiet one?
I think the guy will get off. When they read you your rights, they only tell you, “Anything you SAY can and will be used against you.”
Legally, it’s a question of the rights of the accused. From now on, it’s “You have the right to remain silent-but-deadly.”
The man may even be questioned as a terrorist, since he unleashed a biological weapon.
Monday, September 22, 2008
‘Emmy A Break
Last night was the 60th Annual Emmy Awards, or as I call it, “So, You Think You Can Host?”
The ceremony was co-hosted by the 5 nominees in the new category for Best Host of a Reality/Competition Series. It really felt like a reality show, too, because it felt unscripted, uninteresting, and could have greatly benefited from some serious editing.
The winner in that category was Jeff Probst. The losers were everyone watching.
Isn’t emceeing the one talent these clowns are supposed to have?
The only thing that could have been more awkward was if Kathy Griffen had told Don Rickles to “suck it.”
Alec Baldwin won Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. His speech was brief, grateful, and modest, and could only have been improved if he called the co-hosts on their home answering machines and called them each a pig.
As they do every year, they had an “In Memoriam” montage, as a tribute to television artists who died since last year. The very last clip was of the opening of this year’s show.
While groundbreaking basic-cable shows like Mad Men and Damages took awards, 12 million people watched, proving that there are still 12 million people who don’t have basic cable to switch to.
The ceremony kicked off with an introduction by Oprah Winfrey, who was great except for one thing. I wish she had recommended a book to go read for the following 3 hours.
The entire debacle proves that television is a place for fantasy and glamour, not Reality.
These jokes may not be brilliant, but at least they were written and presented, which is more than I can say for the entire opening of the Emmys.
The ceremony was co-hosted by the 5 nominees in the new category for Best Host of a Reality/Competition Series. It really felt like a reality show, too, because it felt unscripted, uninteresting, and could have greatly benefited from some serious editing.
The winner in that category was Jeff Probst. The losers were everyone watching.
Isn’t emceeing the one talent these clowns are supposed to have?
The only thing that could have been more awkward was if Kathy Griffen had told Don Rickles to “suck it.”
Alec Baldwin won Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. His speech was brief, grateful, and modest, and could only have been improved if he called the co-hosts on their home answering machines and called them each a pig.
As they do every year, they had an “In Memoriam” montage, as a tribute to television artists who died since last year. The very last clip was of the opening of this year’s show.
While groundbreaking basic-cable shows like Mad Men and Damages took awards, 12 million people watched, proving that there are still 12 million people who don’t have basic cable to switch to.
The ceremony kicked off with an introduction by Oprah Winfrey, who was great except for one thing. I wish she had recommended a book to go read for the following 3 hours.
The entire debacle proves that television is a place for fantasy and glamour, not Reality.
These jokes may not be brilliant, but at least they were written and presented, which is more than I can say for the entire opening of the Emmys.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Convention-al Wisdom
Did you hear Rudy Giulianni's speech at the Republican national Convention? They must have put a 10 minute speaking limit, because, true to form, he kept it to 9:11.
He always keeps it to 9:11, doesn't he?
You really can't blame McCain for wanting to win the White House. He already has a house in every other color.
He always keeps it to 9:11, doesn't he?
You really can't blame McCain for wanting to win the White House. He already has a house in every other color.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Presidential Nomi-Nation
This is an exciting election year. It’s a year for a lot of “firsts.” For example, because of his age, John McCain is the first candidate to ever walk for president.
McCain is really working the “maverick” reputation, but that’s consistent with his record. Early in his career, he sometimes opposed his own Whigs and voted with the Tories.
Sarah Palin could be the first female Vice President, but why is that such a big deal? We’ve had other women in high office. Madeline Allbright and Condoleeza Rice have been Secretary of State. We’ve even had a female Attorney General, if you count Janet Reno.
Barak knew that in choosing his running mate, he should get someone older, a little weathered, and with a reputation as a real tough-guy. But he still didn’t pick Hillary.
People have questioned Barak Obama’s experience, because he’s a one-term senator. But the last time we had a freshman senator from Illinois become president, it was Abraham Lincoln. McCain knows this - he voted for Lincoln.
McCain is really working the “maverick” reputation, but that’s consistent with his record. Early in his career, he sometimes opposed his own Whigs and voted with the Tories.
Sarah Palin could be the first female Vice President, but why is that such a big deal? We’ve had other women in high office. Madeline Allbright and Condoleeza Rice have been Secretary of State. We’ve even had a female Attorney General, if you count Janet Reno.
Barak knew that in choosing his running mate, he should get someone older, a little weathered, and with a reputation as a real tough-guy. But he still didn’t pick Hillary.
People have questioned Barak Obama’s experience, because he’s a one-term senator. But the last time we had a freshman senator from Illinois become president, it was Abraham Lincoln. McCain knows this - he voted for Lincoln.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Eye on Alaska: Northern Exposure
As everyone has heard by now, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Gov. Sarah Palin's 17-year-old-daughter, Bristol, is 5 months pregnant. And to think people said Jamie Lynn Spears isn't a role model anymore.
Bristol plans to to marry her boyfriend, the father of the baby, while the public is still learning basic background facts about her mother. For Example, Gov. Sarah Bristol is proud to be an avid hunter. Bristol: more of a trapper.
Bristol plans to to marry her boyfriend, the father of the baby, while the public is still learning basic background facts about her mother. For Example, Gov. Sarah Bristol is proud to be an avid hunter. Bristol: more of a trapper.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Gross National Product. - And I Mean Gross!
In Cambodia, inflation has caused the price of rat meat to quadruple this year, in accordance with supply and demand. I don’t know which disturbs me more: the supply, or the demand.
The current price in about 5,000 riel per kilogram, or 69 pence/kg. To put it in American trade terms, that means that you can buy rat meat to eat but you would be trading your self respect.
Rat meat is commonly eaten in Cambodia, neighboring Vietnam, and parts of eastern India. The upside is the money saved. The downside: rat breath.
People have apparently been seeking this food source, rabidly.
Cambodians have begun to experience cravings for rat. In the middle of the night, it just starts gnawing at you.
Some popular new dishes include:
Ratwurst
Ratini pasta
Potatoes Au-Rat-in
of course, Ratatouille.
And for dessert, Peppermint Ratties
Among some, this is being viewed as a potential international threat. In fact, the White House is furious that Cambodia has secretly been harboring Weapons of Mass Disgusting.
There’s an old saying: “Give a man a rat and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man not to eat rat and he’ll thank you for life.”
This raises a lot of other questions. For example, "The Cambodian Board of Health: what the hell’s the point?"
What does the counter help ask you in a restaurant that serves rat burgers, anyway? “Do you want flies with that?”
The current price in about 5,000 riel per kilogram, or 69 pence/kg. To put it in American trade terms, that means that you can buy rat meat to eat but you would be trading your self respect.
Rat meat is commonly eaten in Cambodia, neighboring Vietnam, and parts of eastern India. The upside is the money saved. The downside: rat breath.
People have apparently been seeking this food source, rabidly.
Cambodians have begun to experience cravings for rat. In the middle of the night, it just starts gnawing at you.
Some popular new dishes include:
Ratwurst
Ratini pasta
Potatoes Au-Rat-in
of course, Ratatouille.
And for dessert, Peppermint Ratties
Among some, this is being viewed as a potential international threat. In fact, the White House is furious that Cambodia has secretly been harboring Weapons of Mass Disgusting.
There’s an old saying: “Give a man a rat and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man not to eat rat and he’ll thank you for life.”
This raises a lot of other questions. For example, "The Cambodian Board of Health: what the hell’s the point?"
What does the counter help ask you in a restaurant that serves rat burgers, anyway? “Do you want flies with that?”
Friday, August 22, 2008
‘Fierce’ or Just Cocky?
America’s Next Top Model has just announced next season’s inclusion of Isis, the show’s first trans-gendered contestant. Isis describes herself as “a woman who was born… male,” who aspires to be both a Top Model, and America’s Next Bottom.
Of the thousands of girls who audition to be on ANTM, the producers are always looking for contestants who have something special, and Isis really had one thing that stood out.
She takes her name, Isis, from the Egyptian goddess of magic, who I’m guessing, had the power to make her penis disappear.
One question that arises is, will Isis appear feminine enough to compete against all the girls on the show? My prediction: it’s going to be a close shave.
If the public responds well to Isis, the modeling industry will have won on two counts: they can make men uncomfortable for looking at a former dude, while they still make women feel bad about their own bodies.
For all the talk about progress and tolerance, this just goes to show that there isn’t any field where a woman can’t have her job stolen by a man.
Next season, Tyra Banks plans to continue her quest to find any model in the world whose balls are as big as Janice Dickenson’s.
Of the thousands of girls who audition to be on ANTM, the producers are always looking for contestants who have something special, and Isis really had one thing that stood out.
She takes her name, Isis, from the Egyptian goddess of magic, who I’m guessing, had the power to make her penis disappear.
One question that arises is, will Isis appear feminine enough to compete against all the girls on the show? My prediction: it’s going to be a close shave.
If the public responds well to Isis, the modeling industry will have won on two counts: they can make men uncomfortable for looking at a former dude, while they still make women feel bad about their own bodies.
For all the talk about progress and tolerance, this just goes to show that there isn’t any field where a woman can’t have her job stolen by a man.
Next season, Tyra Banks plans to continue her quest to find any model in the world whose balls are as big as Janice Dickenson’s.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Bigfoot found? Not Yeti.
Two Atlanta hikers claiming to have captured a half-man, half-ape creature turned over their frozen find to be thawed. Now, the alleged Bigfoot body has been debunked as a rubber gorilla suit. Weekly World News immediately launched a hard-journalistic investigation to prove the rubber suit is a real Sasquatch.
One of the hikers is a police officer and is being fired over the hoax, his boss saying it is an integrity issue. Let’s see… record of public service, 15 minutes of fame, questionable ethics… sounds like someone’s moving into politics.
One of the hikers is a police officer and is being fired over the hoax, his boss saying it is an integrity issue. Let’s see… record of public service, 15 minutes of fame, questionable ethics… sounds like someone’s moving into politics.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Where's the Beef?
In Ohio, a Burger King employee posted video online of himself taking a bath in a restaurant kitchen sink. Burger King fired the man. The employee alleges he was just trying to clean the Sesame seeds off his buns.
Management began to wonder about the employee following a drive-though incident where he said to a customer, “I’ll hold the lettuce if you hold the pickle.”
If you’ve seen the video, you’ll agree: Even though this was Burger King, this guy was a lot more fried than flame-broiled.
Unfortunately for him, being naked at work earned him a new nick-name: Whopper… Junior.
Finally, Burger King has a company man more deviant and embarrassing than McDonald’s own Hamburglar.
Management began to wonder about the employee following a drive-though incident where he said to a customer, “I’ll hold the lettuce if you hold the pickle.”
If you’ve seen the video, you’ll agree: Even though this was Burger King, this guy was a lot more fried than flame-broiled.
Unfortunately for him, being naked at work earned him a new nick-name: Whopper… Junior.
Finally, Burger King has a company man more deviant and embarrassing than McDonald’s own Hamburglar.
Affairs of State
John Edwards admitted to having an extramarital affair, and talked candidly about it in an interview. Now we really know what he meant by his saying that there are two Americas: one for his wife, one for his mistress.
The woman with whom he had the affair was his videographer, which gives a whole new meaning to being ready for your close-up.
The woman with whom he had the affair was his videographer, which gives a whole new meaning to being ready for your close-up.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
“Hustle in Flo”
John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
“Bow-wow… Wow!”
A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Coiled and Spoiled
Yesterday, 12 live, venomous snakes and 5 non-venomous ones were found in and removed from a Fairfax, VA hotel room. Police later arrested the room’s occupant. Hotel management had first become suspicious when, upon check-in, the guest requested that the room’s beds be replaced with a giant rock under a heat lamp.
Most relieved is hotel Room Service, who were tired of getting calls requesting live mice.
The snakes went unnoticed at first, because they just stayed in their room. Who knows how long they might have stayed there if that guy from India hadn’t started playing that flute.
The real-life event has already been adapted into a terrible screenplay and sent to Samuel L. Jackson.
Most relieved is hotel Room Service, who were tired of getting calls requesting live mice.
The snakes went unnoticed at first, because they just stayed in their room. Who knows how long they might have stayed there if that guy from India hadn’t started playing that flute.
The real-life event has already been adapted into a terrible screenplay and sent to Samuel L. Jackson.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
“Bale Bonded”
Batman: The Dark Knight’s Christian Bale was questioned by London police for 4 hours, and then released on bail but not charged, following allegations from his mother and sister that he assaulted them in his hotel suite. Christian denies the charge, and the most likely explanation is a vast conspiracy orchestrated by an insanely jealous Adam West.
“Lighting up: the World”
Bill Gates is teaming up with New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg in a $375 million, world-wide anti-smoking campaign. This seems fitting for Gates, who’s Microsoft Vista has caused smoke to pour out of customers’ ears since the day the product launched.
One of their biggest obstacles, despite all their money, is that Gates anti-tobacco stance proves that smoking is only for cool people.
One of their biggest obstacles, despite all their money, is that Gates anti-tobacco stance proves that smoking is only for cool people.
“Wax or Waning Star?”
Madame Toussauds Wax Museum in London unveiled the likeness of award-winning singer Amy Winehouse today. It really looks like her, but there are obvious differences. One is just a stiff, lifeless imitation of a person, and the other is made of wax.
Winehouse did not attend the unveiling and hasn’t seen her wax twin yet, but as her schedule allows over the next couple of weeks, you can be sure that her plans will include being drunk and high.
Winehouse did not attend the unveiling and hasn’t seen her wax twin yet, but as her schedule allows over the next couple of weeks, you can be sure that her plans will include being drunk and high.
“To Have (a Life) and Have Not”
An Earnest Hemmingway festival in Florida reached a climax over the weekend with a look-alike contest of the late author of classics such as A Farewell to Arms, The Snows of Kilimanjaro, and For Whom the Bell Tolls. Public reaction to the event was reminiscent of one the Nobel winner’s own titles: For Whom the Hell Cares?
The stocky, white-bearded Hemmingway doppelganger was thrilled to win first place, and is now looking forward to getting back to his wife, elves and reindeer back at the North Pole.
The stocky, white-bearded Hemmingway doppelganger was thrilled to win first place, and is now looking forward to getting back to his wife, elves and reindeer back at the North Pole.
Golden Girls actress Estelle Getty has died, at the age of 84. Famous as Bea Arthur’s elderly mother Sophia, she was actually the youngest member of the cast. It’s a surprise that all the other Girls have outlived her, but not because of their age. It’s just amazing that they weren’t crushed under the weight of their 1980’s shoulder pads.
Her many loving fans and admirers have requested that to honor her memory, in lieu of flowers, all copies of the movie Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot be destroyed.
Her many loving fans and admirers have requested that to honor her memory, in lieu of flowers, all copies of the movie Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot be destroyed.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Appealing in the Eye of the Beholder
A U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the FCC fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident where Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed. The FCC said they were surprised and disappointed by today’s decision, the same way the audience was surprised and disappointed by Janet’s boob.
The fine, which was over half a million dollars, was described as gratuitous and arbitrary. Some might say, as gratuitous and arbitrary as celebrity nudity at a football game.
The court further ruled that, in order for CBS to be held responsible, the FCC would have to prove that the network acted recklessly. That made CBS nervous. After all, this is the same network that airs “Big Brother.”
The fine, which was over half a million dollars, was described as gratuitous and arbitrary. Some might say, as gratuitous and arbitrary as celebrity nudity at a football game.
The court further ruled that, in order for CBS to be held responsible, the FCC would have to prove that the network acted recklessly. That made CBS nervous. After all, this is the same network that airs “Big Brother.”
The USA’s first war crimes trial since World War II began today in Guantanamo Bay, with a plea of not guilty by Obama bin Laden’s former driver. He is accused of conspiracy and supporting terrorism, but in his defense, he’s an excellent driver.
What does bin Laden need a driver for, anyway? He’s been hiding out in the wilderness for, years, living like an animal? What next, he has a butler to tidy up his cave?
A $20,000 pair of earrings were found in a truckload of garbage on Staten Island, prompting a baffling mystery: Why would anyone who can afford 3—carat diamonds go to Staten Island?
Actually, the owner could have received ownership of the island in exchange for the island, but no one was around to give her the rest of the $19,000 change she would have had coming.
What does bin Laden need a driver for, anyway? He’s been hiding out in the wilderness for, years, living like an animal? What next, he has a butler to tidy up his cave?
A $20,000 pair of earrings were found in a truckload of garbage on Staten Island, prompting a baffling mystery: Why would anyone who can afford 3—carat diamonds go to Staten Island?
Actually, the owner could have received ownership of the island in exchange for the island, but no one was around to give her the rest of the $19,000 change she would have had coming.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Happy Fifth Birthday, (my son) Julian!
Happy birthday to Nelson Mandela, who turns 90 today. He celebrated the day in his favorite way: by not being in prison because of state-sponsored racism and tyranny.
The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight opens today, with a record-breaking box office likely, and an excess of $100 million 3-day total expected. Mamma Mia also opens today, but I think we already know why Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire and the members of Abba aren’t.
Billy Joel will play the last concert ever at New York’s Shea Stadium tonight, as the ball park is scheduled to be torn down at the end of the baseball season. As for the stadium’s demolition, the owners are just going to have Billy Joel come back in and let him drive around.
The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight opens today, with a record-breaking box office likely, and an excess of $100 million 3-day total expected. Mamma Mia also opens today, but I think we already know why Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire and the members of Abba aren’t.
Billy Joel will play the last concert ever at New York’s Shea Stadium tonight, as the ball park is scheduled to be torn down at the end of the baseball season. As for the stadium’s demolition, the owners are just going to have Billy Joel come back in and let him drive around.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sound... Proof
The Senate is set to vote today to pass a bill setting new rules for secret government surveillance, after a year of controversy over the president’s wiretapping without warrants following 9/11. To show their support, The White House says that in the future they will try harder not to get caught.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
“Yankee’s A-Rod Thrown out at Home”
Baseball star Alex Rodriguez’s wife of 5 years has filed for divorce, alleging he had extramarital affairs. Making matters worse, The New York Post and Us Weekly have attempted to romantically link A-Rod to Madonna. On the plus side, this story is helping to dispel the notion that New Yorkers don’t like to get involved.
Madonna denied any romantic connection to A-Rod. When asked about rumors of a break-up of her own marriage to filmmaker Guy Richie, Madonna quickly responded, “Who?”
In recent weeks, troubles in the Rodriguez’s marriage began to surface with subtle hints, like when Cynthia Rodriguez began to refer to her husband as A-hole.
Madonna denied any romantic connection to A-Rod. When asked about rumors of a break-up of her own marriage to filmmaker Guy Richie, Madonna quickly responded, “Who?”
In recent weeks, troubles in the Rodriguez’s marriage began to surface with subtle hints, like when Cynthia Rodriguez began to refer to her husband as A-hole.
"Celebrity News" and other oxymorons
Drew Barrymore and Justin long have ended their relationship. One can assume Drew was jealous over the on-screen chemistry Jason had with the ‘PC’ computer guy in his ‘Mac’ commercials.
Steve-O, of “Jackass” fame, was in court today, related to June’s cocaine charge. He said he checked himself back into a rehab facility on his doctor’s advice, but will still be able to do a lot of his stunts, just sober. This courageous spirit proves that there is no way to kill stupidity.
Former lead singer of the Village People, Victor Willis, is in the hospital recovering from vocal cord surgery. He expects to fully recover, asserting that he has to be a macho, macho man.
Steve-O, of “Jackass” fame, was in court today, related to June’s cocaine charge. He said he checked himself back into a rehab facility on his doctor’s advice, but will still be able to do a lot of his stunts, just sober. This courageous spirit proves that there is no way to kill stupidity.
Former lead singer of the Village People, Victor Willis, is in the hospital recovering from vocal cord surgery. He expects to fully recover, asserting that he has to be a macho, macho man.
Members of the Iraqi government are stepping up pressure on the United States to agree on a timeline for a withdrawal of American troops. The White House agreed that a timeline would be established as soon as we figure out what the hell we were doing over there in the first place.
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, Barack Obama addressed the accusation that he has vacillated on political issues to tug at some of John McCain’s middle-of-the-road support. Obama said he hasn’t changed, but not every issue has to be viewed as strictly black and white.
As everyone knows, this past Friday was July 4th and Independence Day is widely regarded as America’s birthday, making our nation 232 years old. Of course it doesn’t seem that old because of its 5th grade reading level and all the Botox.
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, Barack Obama addressed the accusation that he has vacillated on political issues to tug at some of John McCain’s middle-of-the-road support. Obama said he hasn’t changed, but not every issue has to be viewed as strictly black and white.
As everyone knows, this past Friday was July 4th and Independence Day is widely regarded as America’s birthday, making our nation 232 years old. Of course it doesn’t seem that old because of its 5th grade reading level and all the Botox.
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