“Thank God for Science”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/story/2012-07-02/god-particle-evidence-cern/55981840/1?csp=hf

Scientists believe they have found what they call the ‘God particle,’ so named for its difficulty to find and prove beyond a doubt.  Until now, the scientists simply accepted the existence of the particle on faith.

It turns out, all they had to do all along was believe, and the particle revealed itself to them.

The scientists immediately began fighting and killing each other over their own interpretation of what the particle wants.

There are some scientists who are still unconvinced.  They are called atheist-scientists.

“Anderson Coup”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay/1#.T_IocBc192A

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has come out, openly saying he is gay.  Cooper has long thought to have been gay, because he hangs out with Kathy Griffin.

Cooper could have revealed his sexuality at any time on CNN, except it isn’t news to anyone.

Anderson says he has always been gay, but he also spent his entire childhood being dressed by Gloria Vanderbilt.

In fact, the only evidence that there has ever been to suggest Cooper might not be gay is the fact that he doesn’t dye his hair.

Most people don’t seem to care that that Cooper is homosexual, only that he’s a journalist.  Although, now that he’s out, there are those who will label him as a “correspondent.”

Now that one of CNN’s biggest names has come out, CNN’s challenge to FOX News is this: Your turn, Bill O’Reilly.

“Marriage: A Risky Business” or Marriage Impossible: Gay Protocol”

http://www.tmz.com/2012/06/29/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce/

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to divorce after 5 years of marriage.  Or at least, 5 years of pretend marriage.

Tom and Katie supposedly have a prenup, so he will likely keep most of his assets after the divorce is final, and Katie will get to go have sex with a man.

The divorce finally came because after five years, you can’t help but get tired of a partner who just isn’t as much of a man as you want.  And Katie probably has her reasons, too.

As husbands go, Tom came up a bit short.

The marriage has shown signs of strain ever since America saw all the sexual tension in Tom’s interview with Matt Lauer.

Rumor has it that Tom slept with as many women on the set of Rock of Ages as he has on every other movie he’s done: none.

Tom will continue with his movie career, and Katie will go back to Dawson’s Creek.  Not the show; that was cancelled years ago.  She’s actually going to a tiny town called Dawson’s Creek.

Their daughter Suri Cruise is confused by the whole thing, but she does understand even though her 2 mommies love her very much, they won’t be living together in separate bedrooms anymore.

Tom insists that his marriage to Katie and their family life was real.  He says, “If I was going to fabricate the basic structural elements for a group of people to build their lives around, pretending it had depth or meaning, getting them to grow within that structure, the whole time knowing it’s a complete farce, I would have invented Scientology.

“Weight of their Words”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-06-26/obesity-screening/55817686/1

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force is calling on doctors to be the “gateway” for obese patients seeking to lose weight, since medical professionals should know which diets and other methods are safe and effective.  The physicians are willing to act as gateways, the problem is that most of their patients no longer fit through a standard size gate.

One thing that’s hurting patients’ confidence in informed medical opinions:  fat doctors.

“Water Test”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/06/survey-clean-beaches-national-resources-defense-council/789540/1?csp=hf

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

“Airport/Job Security”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2012/06/tsa-newark-screeners-fired/792310/1

The TSA said Wednesday that they fired 8 of their workers at the Newark airport for various violations, including sleeping on the job.  First the TSA agents were feeling up passengers, now they sleeping with them.

The TSA looked at several job performance factors, and while some employees had to be let go, those who were the very worst at their jobs got promoted.

The workers were allowed to pack up their personal effects in a box, as long as there were no liquid containers larger than 3 oz.

Now those workers are about to find out how much harder it is to do a job search than it is to administer a strip search.

Fired workers are hoping to find another job that requires advanced groping skills.

“Trebek’s Heart in Jeopardy!”

http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/jeopardy-host-trebek-suffers-mild-heart-attack-1689500.story

Alex Trebek has suffered a mild heart attack.  EMTs were on the scene quickly, but the money was only awarded to the one with the quickest response.

Now Alex is trying to get answers from his doctors, but the doctors have to phrase them in the form of a question.

While in the hospital, Alex was given a single room, but opted to downgrade to a Daily Double.

On the plus side, Trebek’s doctors tend to be smarter than, say, Wheel of Fortune’s doctors.

When the first paramedic hit his defibrillator, it locked out the others’ defibrillators, so they didn’t have the chance to buzz in.

A normal, human heart has 4 chambers, 2 auricles, and 2 ventricles.  Trebeks has 5 chambers per row, in 6 different categories.

Alex Trebek’s hospital gown was furnished by Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills.

To prevent another heart attack, Alex may have to be more careful with his diet and other lifestyle factors, depending on how much he wants to wager.

Before his cardiologist told Alex the results of his tests, Trebek already knew – but only because he was had the answers on the index cards he was holding.

Trebek’s heart surgeon operated in exchange for promotional consideration.

The medical bills will be for thousands and thousands of dollars.  Luckily for Alex, what  Medicare won’t cover, Ken Jennings will.

If Alex doesn’t take his doctor’s advice, he could be putting himself in double Jeopardy!

When asked what the heart attack was like, Trebek described it as feeling like someone put one of his Emmy awards on his chest.

While in the hospital, Trebek won a Daytime Emmy award as the host of Jeopardy.  To win more votes next year, Pat Sajak is planning a heart attack right before the Daytime Emmys. 

"No Hitter"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2012/06/roger-clemens-verdict/1#.T9-XRhc192C

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

“Hall of Television”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/06/arsenio-hall-returning-to-late-night-tv/1#.T9-vahc192A

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.

“Forest Chump”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/german-forest-boy-mystery-solved-dutch-youth-made-it-up/1#.T9tvWxc192A

After almost a year, the young man who had become famous as Germany’s “Forest Boy,” claiming to have lived in a tent in the woods for 5 years, has admitted that he made the whole thing up.  Police had been unable to see the forest through the trees.

The 20-year-old from the Netherlands will now be known as “The Lying Dutchman.”

Berlin Police had been suspicious of the young man’s story, but they had no ways of making him talk.

Dutch authorities are now wondering what happened to his sister, who was last seen in the forest on her way to a house made of gingerbread.

“Saint or Ain’t?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47822985/ns/technology_and_science-science/

Researchers say that bones that were found in a sarcophagus in an ancient church in Bulgaria may belong to St. John the Baptist.  The ID may be premature.  Their conclusion is based solely on the fact that the bones were found with a squirt gun.

The evidence the researchers  have are 6 bone fragments from an 1^st Century Middle Eastern male, and a drivers license that says John the Baptist.

The human bone fragments were side by side with 3 animal bones.  Some religious groups are hoping the animals  turn out to be 2,000 year-old dinosaurs. 

“Heart Vader”

http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Darth-Vader-Kid-Undergoes-Successful-Heart-Surgery-159139125.html

Max Page, the 7-year-old boy who, in 2011, played little Darth Vader in a hit Superbowl commercial for Volkswagon is recovering following successful surgery to replace a heart valve Thursday.   Fortunately, he hasn’t turned to the Dark Side.

The new heart valve is by Volkswagon.

The Sith would love to really get their hands on little Max, but they won’t be able to turn the Page.

His doctors are recommending that in order to heal, he needs to get lots of rest, take his meds, and use the Force.

Some were worried Max might not pull through.  Max answered them with, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Fortunately, young Vader has the best doctors on Tattooine.

George Lucas plans to go back and digitally alter Max’s heart so it never had a defect, as he originally intended.

In a somewhat related story, former child actor Jake Lloyd spent the week in good health, on a rented couch in his underwear.

“Deportment of Homeland Security”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/15/12240894-skepticism-joy-among-illegal-immigrants-over-obama-decision?lite

On Friday, President Obama announced that the government will no longer seek to deport illegal aliens under 30 if they came to the U.S. as children.  Proving to birthers that he was born in Kenya.

Obama’s move will halt undocumented immigrants from facing deportation, and will allow them work permits under certain conditions.  Condition 1: they have to vote for him.

This is Obama’s second major win in solving the illegal immigration problem.  The first was curbing the desire to sneak into America, since there are no jobs.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney’s idea of solving the problem of illegal immigration is to outsource all jobs to Mexico.

“R.I.P. – An End to ‘The Feud’”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/richard-dawson-dies-family-feud-hogans-heroes-obituary-332426

Richard Dawson, longtime host of Family Feud, has died at the age of 79.  He’d had brushes with death before, but this was his third strike.

Richard now moves on to the afterlife.  Or as he would call it, the Big Money Round.

As he now ascends and is greeted by angels, he will kiss each and every one on the lips.

We surveyed 100 people, asking “Where is Richard Dawson now?”  “Heaven” was the number-1 answer.

“Presidential Post”

http://www.buzzfeed.com/zekejmiller/president-barack-obama-writes-fifth-grader-an-awes

President Barack Obama wrote a note for a 5^th grade student to excuse him for missing class after the boy’s father introduced the president for a speech in Minnesota.  According to the Republicans, the president is used to making excuses.

The note from Obama sais that it wasn’t young Tyler’s fault that he was absent from class.  The fault rested with the previous administration.

Since the problem was missing class, the richest Americans are trying to simplify matters by eliminating the middle class.

“Good Sho”

 http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/child-prodigy-sho-yano-earns-medical-doctorate-at-age-21/1?csp=obnetwork#.T84wWLA192A

Sho Yano, a child prodigy who began college at age 9 and already has PhD’s in both molecular genetics and cell biology, is about to graduate from medical school at the University of Chicago.  He has also earned a minor in showing off.

Once he has his medical degree, he’ll change his name to Doogie Yano.

"Lantern Pride" or "Green Light in the Loafers"

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=732896

In DC Comics reboot of its comic book universe, it has made the Green Lantern of Earth 2 gay.  Or their just assuming he is based on the costume.

Apparently, the Green Lantern Corps, who defend the universe, just got rid of their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

DC isn’t sure how many people will buy the new comic, but many of his fans are at least buy-curious.

The source of the hero’s power is his lantern’s magic flame.  That power remains his as long as the flaming lasts.

Green Lantern won’t rest until he captures Sinestro, the guy in the skintight bodysuit, who has an oversized, pink head.

Gay advocacy groups are worried about stereotyping.  Why does the gay superhero have to be the one wearing jewelry?

The Green Lantern doesn't just want to be friends with the other Justice League members, he want to be Super Friends.

As an openly gay hero, Green Lantern is trying to encourage Batman and Robin to come out of the cave.

The gay Green Lantern is already embracing the wilder side of the lifestyle.  For instance, he no longer sports his power ring on his hand.

"Spell Check”

http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/30/tech/mobile/amercia-romney-iphone-app/index.html

Mitt Romney’s iPad app had an embarrassing misspelling, promising a “A better Amercia,” reversing the c and i.  Dick Cheney is sticking up for his fellow Republican, noting than when he was in power, he was l slowly turning all of America into the CIA.

Romney tried to diffuse the mistake by saying that, if elected, he’ll place more emphasis on educashuns.

Mitt thinks that statistics will help his case.  His new website says he’s even running for President of the United Stats of America.

Critics are asking why Romney didn’t have someone proofread the text, but as Republicans have said since Gitmo and the Patriot Act, you don’t need proof.

Meanwhile, Romney’s poll numbers have sharply increased in the small island nation of Amercia.

It was surprising that Mitt didn’t have auto-correct, especially since he claims to have saved the entire auto industry.

Romney admits that he misspelled America, but he won’t admit that he is misreading it.

The corrected app now promising that Mitt will build a better United Stakes.

“Pole Vault”

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/05/30/white-house-says-obama-misspoke-after-poles-demand-apology-over-polish-death/?test=latestnews#ixzz1wL8L8gTr

When President presented a Medal of Freedom to Polish war hero, Jan Karski, he mistakenly referred to “Polis Death Camps,” instead of Nazi death camps in occupied Poland during WWII.  Unfortunately, then he tried to break the tension by telling a bunch of ‘dumb Polack’ jokes.

Poland’s foreign minister Redek Sikorski called the incident a display of “ignorance and incompetence.”  The foreign minister made this comment while he and 3 of his countrymen tried to change a light bulb.

“Persian Bug”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/story/2012-05-29/middle-east-computer-virus/55267086/1

Iran and other countries in the Middle East have been hit by a versatile, spying computer virus.  Reports say the virus has affected 2 out of 5 computers in Iran.  Western intelligence was shocked to learn that Iran has 5 computers.

Tehran is blaming Israeli intelligence for their troubles, cursed their technology, and threatened to destroy the state of Israel and kill all of its citizens.  Or as they call that, Tuesday.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad is most upset over the fact that the virus has completely disrupted his viewing of camel porn.

"Matri-moany"

http://www.inquisitr.com/238748/obama-divorce-story-alleges-michelle-considered-leaving-president-in-2000/

A new book about President Obama claims that after his failed 2000 bid for Congress, the strain almost caused Barack and Michelle to get a divorce, which the First Couple say is not true.  Discussion of divorce is irrelevant though, say a group of Birthers, who claim the Obamas can’t prove that they were even married in America.

In a related story, Newt Gingrich always considered any political career struggle as an unofficial annulment of whatever marriage he happened to be in at the time.

HAPPY 5TH BLOG-O-VERSARY

Thank you to all my readers and supporters for 5 amazing years.
Since I began this blog, so much has happened, as proven by over 10,000 jokes on all kinds of news.
Some material appearing here has made it to Top Story! Weekly, Second City This Week, The David Feldman Show, Susie Sampson's "Tea Party Report," and more, as well as submissions to Conan, Real Time with Bill Mahar, and Lopez Tonight.
I hope to continue to write jokes until at least one person laughs.

"Coffee Life”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-05-11/coffee-drinkers-longer-life-expectancy/55024636/1

A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that coffee drinkers may live longer.  Actually, they still die, they just can’t close their eyes or stop trembling from the caffeine.

Doctors think that the secret is that coffee drinkers may be that, until they’ve had their first cup in the morning, they're dead.

Since participating in the study, several subjects haven’t been able to sleep.

Those who drink decaf also live longer, but they’re lives are empty and meaningless.

Obviously people who drink coffee live longer.  They are the ones who don’t fall asleep at the wheel.

This study contradicts the theory that people who hang out at Starbucks all day need to get a life.

“Text Book ‘Em””

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-05-15/texting-while-walking-illegal/54979480/1

Several states have begun to fine pedestrians for walking and texting, in order to prevent traffic accidents.  The message is, save the texting for when you’re safely behind the wheel.

In Utah and New Jersey, fines range from $50 to $85.  Reaction to these fines has ranged from LOL to OMG.

Angry mobile customers are blaming their service carriers, who promised them unlimited texting.

Also, a lot of tickets have been issued for sexting while crossing the street, but those were for indecent exposure.

“Advice Column”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/05/Sarah-Palin-vice-president-vetting-John-McCain--694923/1#.T7QW3ug192A

In a Wall Street Journal column, an advisor on John McCain’s 2008 election campaign revealed that, at the time Sarah Palin was chosen as his running mate, he called her, “high risk, high reward.”  That’s exactly the same way Levi Johnston described unprotected sex with Bristol Palin. 

“Tanned and Banned”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/05/burned-tan-mom-banned-from-scores-of-salons/1#.T6viZ-g192A

The so-called Tanning Mom, accused of bringing her 5 year old tanning, has been banned from dozens of New York and New Jersey salons since the story broke, with posters of her behind counters serving as notice not to serve her.  These serve the Tanning Mom as a burn notice.

On the flipside, her darkened skin may win her some type of celebrity endorsement deal, perhaps with, a wrinkle cream maker, a cooking oil company, or a leather tanning business.

“Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are”

http://now.msn.com/money/0510-fast-food-obesity-study.aspx

Washington University is offering $3,500 to participants in a 3-month obesity study, who have to be overweight and be willing to gain weight for the study. So far, the only people qualified for the study are all Americans.

As a bonus, they get to keep the money even if they die during the study.

Lots of volunteers are running to sign up.  Well, their walking and out of breath to sign up.

The study is being conducted by Washington University in St. Louis.  Who knew they were secretly owned by McDonald’s.

The researchers hope to learn more about the development of diabetes and cardiovascular problems.  Well, they’re gonna.

Similarly, when the same group wants to learn about guns, they’re just going to start shooting people.

The students conducting the study are majoring in irresponsibility.

When observers see an overweight person handed that easy $3500 , they are going to say, “Now that is a fat wad.”

"Old Maid"

A British cabaret singer says she is ready to lose her virginity  – at age 70.  She’s even willing to go to the drug store and buy the condoms, since she gets a senior discount.

She wants a guy who will be gentle the first time – so she doesn’t break a hip.

Of course it’s possible that she has had sex before, only now tht she’s 70 she doesn’t remember it.

At 70 years old, she still has a nickname for her breasts.  She calls them the Allied Powers.

Her vagina is called The Great Depression.

- Because she says it needs a New Deal.

She says she knows how to set the mood for company in the bedroom.  She put doilies on the pillows. 

"Mightiest Movie"

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=726281

The Avengers was the top movie at the box office this weekend, taking in a record-breaking $200 million its opening weekend.   This is a huge relief to Marvel Studios, who has to pay for all the damage the Hulk caused to cars and buildings in New York City.

With a global 12-day intake of over $640 million for the superhero team-up, even super-villains are saying, “To hell with robbing banks.  I’m going to use my powers for good – and just film it.”

"Nadya 'Solo' Suleman" or "OctoMom's Big 'O'"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/07/octomom-nadya-suleman-porn-pornography_n_1495915.html

Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman began work on her first adult film last week, in which she will be performing solo. It makes sense, since she has already fallen so low.

In the film she has a scene where her body is covered in Spaghettio’s.  The O’s are an artistic, symbolic representation of her, of course.  O for Octomom, or big-round-‘O’-shaped- gaping-hole, take your pick.

Wanting her film to have an artistic feel, of course, for inspiration she turned to a Franco-American style.

The tile of the yet-to-be-completed film has not been released, but obviously it should be Octopussy.

“Fat Cat”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/05/meow-a-39-pound-cat-dies-of-obesity-complications/1#.T6gzgOg192A

Meow, a cat who became famous because of his enormous weight, has died at the age of 2 years.  He weighs 39 lbs.  Not wanting to say he died from obesity complications, his owners are using the euphemism, “Marlon Brando Syndrome.”

The cat's owners were in denial about his health problems.  They thought he was purring when it was really a heart murmur.

Instead of milk, he'd drink a saucer of Haagen Daz.

Meow had always been the fattest of his litter, and didn’t have the healthiest habits.  For example, he really put on a lot of extra weight when he tried to quit smoking.

He was really heavy.  You know that saying “A cat always lands on its feet?”  His feet hated him for that.

He was so fat, a dog once bit him and contracted diabetes.

"Police Raid" or “Narcotics Division”

http://now.msn.com/now/0506-weed-police-academy.aspx

A police dispatcher  in Vermont showed up for training at the Police Academy with marijuana.  Of all the ranking officers there, she was the highest.

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to leave her pot in the car, where someone could steal it, making even more work for police.

She explained her mistake, saying “When I’m stoned, I mix up the words dispatch with dispensary.”

She had just gotten the marijuana from her local dispensary.  Which is her nickname for the evidence locker.

“What type of pot is this?  It’s labeled ‘Exhibit ‘A’.”

Odds and (Big) Ends

Kim Kardashian attended the White House Correspondents Dinner this past week.  Why not?  Among all those politicians, what's one more big ass?

The Secret Service has decided to assign chaperones to its agents on some foreign trips.  Secret Service agents said they don't mind chaperones, as long as they are hot ladies ready to party!

Jessica Simpson is spending $4,000 a night for the luxury hospital birthing suite where she gave birth to her new daughter.  And from the looks of things, Jessica, $3,000 of that is just to cover the cost of food.

“Something to Scream About”

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/scream-munch-painting-auction-popular-pages

The famous Edvard Munch painting “The Scream” sold at auction for nearly $120 million Wednesday, becoming the most expensive piece of art ever sold.   The buyer plans to make his money back by rendering the painting in HD.

An upset Mona Lisa denied being jealous, saying, “I’m worth as much as you if not more, Scream, except I don’t sell myself for money like a whore.”

"See It to Believe It" or Putting the ‘Eye’ in ‘Bionic’”

http://now.msn.com/living/0503-bionic-eye-blind.aspx

In an amazing new medical breakthrough,  British scientists have developed bionic eyes that can restore sight to certain patients who suffer from certain types of blindness.  Images appear in grainy black and white, but that’s still a vast improvement over nothing.  And, it’s a bonus if you are a fan of classic 1950’s TV shows.

The first patient, a man named Chris, is pleased with the results and his doctors say he is dojng extremely well.  On the downside, some friends say Chris just isn’t as cool without the dark sunglasses.  

"Hilton Claims to Defame"

http://www.thewrap.com/media/article/perez-hilton-sued-500k-over-angelina-jolie-ring-claim-38521

Blogger Perez Hilton is being sued for $500,000 for claiming on his website that the jeweler who designed Angelina Jolie’s engagement ring had been previously convictred of fraud.  Though, the real story here would be if a blogger actually had $500,000.

Perez said he would be willing to retract all claims and apologizing if Brad Pitt will marry him instead of Angelina.

“Newt’s News”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/05/newt-gingrich-withdraw-impact-mitt-romney-rick-santorum/1#.T6G5cbM192D

Newt Gingrich formally suspended his presidential campaign today, making way for Mitt Romney’s GOP nomination.  Gingrich did not formally endorse Romney, but he’ll show support his own way.  He’ll have an affair with Romney, and then leave his current wife for him.

For the last several weeks, Gingrich has been fighting a losing battle, but wasn’t willing to give up.  It’s the exact opposite strategy he has been using regarding his weight.

“Fangs for Nothing.” or “Dental Damage”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/dentist-pulls-all-exs-teeth-out_n_1461288.html

In Poland, a man who broke up with his dentist girlfriend still kept an appointment with her 2 days later, only to have her put him under and pull out all of his teeth.  She now faces 3 years in prison.  She may get off, as there are a lot of gaps in his story.

Now, of course, she has not only lost a boyfriend, she has lost a patient.

If she was smart, she saved the teeth so she can make them into a shiv in prison.

Like most boyfriends, he would have been fine if he had just kept his mouth shut.

In light of what happened to him, his dental insurance company is desperately trying to deny his claim.

On the bright side, his toothache won’t be a problem anymore.

Most people hearing about this were shocked.  Except John Wayne Bobbitt, who said, “Oh, big deal.”

“Dark Day” or “Orange You Sorry?”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/02/11500434-new-jersey-tanning-mom-denies-charges-of-child-endangerment?lite

A New Jersey mother was arrested for child endangerment for allegedly bringing her young daughter to a tanning salon, which is illegal in New Jersey for children under 14. Over 14, it becomes mandatory.

The mother tans excessively herself, but her lawyer says the charges are racially motivated and the woman is simply being harassed for being an Umpa-Lumpa.

If convicted, the mother is going to fry.  If she gets off she’ll fry, too.  She tans that much.

The woman plans to fight the charges, is willing to go to Congress and wants to get John Boehner involved.  And if he’s not available, she at least wants his tan.

Another report of a little girl in New Jersey tanned to a point of cruelty surfaced, but it turns out it was only Snooki.

“Say ’Cheap’”

http://now.msn.com/now/0430-ikea-cardboard-camera.aspx

Ikea has come out with a digital camera made of cardboard.  It’s the perfect device for people who want a camera that’s easy to use, yet immediately falls apart.

It works perfectly well, but when you try to  print the pictures, you suddenly find your printer is missing vital screws and bolts.

When you look through the view finder, no matter how hard you try, you can’t quite fit everyone into the picture.

The nice thing about the cardboard body won’t break if it falls..  So it will be okay if you put it down on top of an Ikea table, causing the table to collapse under its weight.

The photos all come out as indecipherable, crude-graphics, black and white diagrams.

“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/30/world/al-qaeda-documents-future/?hpt=hp_c1

CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot. 

Saddle Up

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2012/04/man-sues-bmw-for-persistent-erection-after-bike-ride/1?csp=hf#.T57NVbM192A

A man claiming that a 4-hour-ride on his BMW motorcycle caused him to get an erection that hasn’t gone away for 20 months in now suing BMW for damages.   Though really, his wife is the one who just can’t take it anymore.

He’s suing for unspecified damages.  In fact, only his wife really feels the damage..

Apparently, since the 4-hour-ride, the man has been unable to shift into a lower gear.

Court documents say the speedometer showed that the man was accelerating fast, and then he tried to bury the needle.

The man is already inching toward a settlement.

His attorney says this case already has a long-standing precedent.

I don’t know how good his lawyer is.  They say he had trouble passing the bar.

If BMW loses, they may have to pay a stiff fine.

Some legal experts have said the evidence in the case is arousing… suspicion.

His condition does give him some advantages in court.  For example, when the judge enters, and the bailiff says “All rise,” he won’t even have to move.

Being in a continuous erect state, if the man goes to court, he does not intend to let his opponent get off too easily.

“News Man Makes News by Liking Dudes”

http://www.thewrap.com/media/article/cnn-host-comes-out-closet-27439

CNN anchor Don Lemon has revealed that he’s gay in a new memoir, titled Transparent.  Competitor Fox News immediately released a news report warning their viewers that CNN turns people gay.

In a related story, Anderson Cooper spent the day hiding in a CNN closet.

“Could Using your Cell Get You Put in a Cell?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47197722/ns/us_news/

The U.S Secretary of Transportation called for a hearing on distracted driving Thursday, and wants a federal ban on cell phone use while driving.  There were more details about this story, but I couldn’t read them at the time I saw it because the light turned green and cars behind me started honking.

Most people will admit that driving really does distract them while they are trying to text.

“Cairo Calls for Corpse Coitus”

The Egyptian parliament has introduced a law allowing men to have sex with their dead wives for up to six hours after death.  The parliament sponsor calls it "The ultimate break-up sex."

Strongly objecting to the proposed law: ghosts.

Also not thrilled with this law: horny, living women.

This new law gives a whole new, creepy meaning to the observation, "Nice body."

In a related story, coroners are reminded to always wear rubber gloves.

Unfortunately, one of the grim side effects of the new law is that marital murder-suicide cases will now often become marital murder-the sex-then suicide cases.

Egypt's bumper sticker industry has already responded with the the message "If this coffin's rockin', don't bother knockin'."

The idea is based on the ancient Egyptian love fable of a dead queen and her lover, “The legend of NecroTiti.”

“Pee Stands for Park”

http://now.msn.com/living/0423-peeing-while-driving.aspx

According to a research study at Rhode Island Hospital, drivers who have to urinate really bad are impaired as much as if they had a blood alcohol level of .05.  Another good reason not to drink and drive.

Awareness of the problem is key, but so far it's an upstream battle.

"Flood of Offers"

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/article/russell-crowe-comes-aboard-darren-aronofskys-noah-37201

Russell Crowe has signed on to play Noah in Darren Aronofsky’s retelling of the biblical story of The Flood.  Tentative working title is Captain and Commander: the Prequel.

Russell says he looks forward to working with Aronofsky, but if any of the animals give him any trouble, he’ll punch them two by two.

There was already one moment of tension, when discussing the part he’d be playing in the movie, Russell thought he was God.

"Tour de Force Majeure"

http://www.thewrap.com/music/article/sinead-oconnor-cancels-2012-tour-because-bipolar-disorder-37232

Sinead O’Conner has cancelled all of her touring dates for the rest of 2012, citing issues with bipolar disorder.  Sinead was very sad to break the news.  Then  happy.  Then sad again.

Sinead hopes to reschedule the tour dates at a later time, and then cancel them again.

O’Conner’s doctor had advised her not to set up a tour in the first place.  Based on that alone critics understand that her doctor knows a lot about music.

"Seacrest In"

 http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=723197&affid=100055

Ryan Seacrest will be staying on as the host of American Idol.  Some had expected his contract negotioations to be long and drawn out.  However, just like the man himself, they were much shorter in real life.

“Secret Serviced”

Since the Secret Service prostitution scandal in Columbia broke, 3 officers of the 11 actively investigated have been dismissed  It seems some of those agents got tired of the earpiece, and decided to get a different piece.

At least with their Kevlar vests, we know they had protection.

Ironically, when they worked for Bill Clinton, they were willing to take a bullet.

“Undie-cover Operation”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp=47074660&#47074660

Police caught a New Jersey man who had been going into apartment building laundry rooms to steal ladies underwear.  Details are sparse, as all the pieces of evidence in the case are unmentionables.

The man was dubbed the "Panty Bandit" by the press.  Which means Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is going to have to get a new vanity license plate.

Once the man was physically restrained, he really got his panties in a bind.

If the man goes to jail, he’ll finally see what it’s like to live with no frills.

After officers stormed the suspect’s home, one was quoted as saying, “Wow, that was my first panty raid since college.”

“Tom’s Strum”

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=721726

The LAPD has recovered 5 guitars stolen from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and arrested a suspect in the case.  The man will be charged with Petty crimes.

If convicted, the man will… have… to live like a refugee.  (Will have to live like a refugee.)

The guitars were brought to a police line-up to be identified, and one at a time, Tom was able to pick them.

“Private Matter”

http://now.msn.com/now/0417-hospital-sued-circumcision.aspx

Dean Cochrun, a 28-year-old South Dakota man is suing the hospital where he was born for having circumcised him as a newborn, without his direct consent.  There’s more to this story; this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Mr. Cochrun, currently in prison on a kidnapping conviction, says that the circumcision robbed him of his sexual prowess.  The lawsuit did not detail why this is so important to him in prison.

Cochrun is asking for $1000 in damages, plus foreskin re-attachment surgery.  No surgery, however, can remove the irony of his last name.

“Making No Cents”

http://money.msn.com/personal-finance/latest.aspx?post=efb24bd5-b47f-4a32-abff-80901814837b

Canada is getting rid of its penny from its currency circulation.  That’s not really big news in the United States, where, for years, we have been dismissively throwing their cute, 7/10-of-a-cent coins in the trash with a head shake and a chuckle.

With the Royal Canadian Mint no longer needing to spend 1.6 cents per penny, they can concentrate more on Canada’s main monetary units: beaver pelts.

The Canadian government says that there will be minimal impact, economically.  Philosophically, however is another matter.  After all, from now on, a penny saved is… nothing.

“Stamping out Poverty” or “Jackpot replaces Jack Squat”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/17/11248179-michigan-lottery-winner-charged-with-welfare-fraud?lite

Amanda Clayton, who hit a $! Million lottery in Michigan last fall, pleaded not guilty to felony welfare fraud charges this week, for continuing to collect food stamps after her big win.   If convicted, she faces up to 4 years in prison.  I think she wants it, too.  Why stop at food stamps when you can have free room and board?

“Burning Up the Road”

http://www.bing.com/search?q=lamborghini+on+fire&form=msnwis

On a test drive of a Lamborghini priced at almost $400,000, a tire unexpectedly burst into flames, quickly engulfing the rest of the car.  No one was hurt, and the test driver was able to make an offer significantly lower than the sticker price.

Lamborghini now has the unique marketing challenge of trying to figure out how to get fire-prone sports cars to appeal to rich men with tiny penises.

“Law of Physics”

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/physicist-traffic-ticket-popular-pages

A UC, San Diego physicist used the math of angular versus linear velocity to get out of a $400 traffic ticket for allegedly failing to stop at a stop sign.  It’s the first time his $1000,000 education has paid off.

The judge ruled in his favor so he didn’t have to pay the fine, but let the record show that that the accused is such a nerd.

To equate the math with geometric terms, the stop sign was an octagon, the policeman’s badge a hexagon, and the physicist: a perfect square.

His ability to accurately do the practical math shows that he is just as good at word problems as he probably is bad with girl problems.

“Keeping Up with the… Mayor?”

Kim Kardashian has said she is running for mayor of Glendale, CA.  If she wants to get into politics there, just because it has a high Armenian population, things are going to get hairy.

If elected, Kim would be the first elected official to have her own fragrance.  Unless you count the stink that’s still all over Rod Blagojevich.

Kim thinks she’d make a great mayor, because she knows how to get things done in and out of City Hall.  ‘City Hall,’ of course, is Kim’s new nickname for her vagina.

"Gay Matter"

http://now.msn.com/living/0417-man-gay-after-stroke.aspx

A British man who suffered a stroke following an accident says he became gay as a result.  Doctors first began to notice changes in his personality during his recovery from the stroke, when they upgraded his condition from serious to fabulous.

"Trimming the Budget"

http://thelook.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/17/11250804-john-edwards-goes-from-500-haircuts-to-1295-supercuts?lite

In the wake of corruption charges and other troubles, John Edwards has reportedly gone from getting haircuts that cost up to $500 to going to SuperCuts.  But Edwards is ready to abandon SuperCuts if his legal problems go away, or it SuperCuts gets cancer.

Is it just me, or hasn’t John Edwards always looked like he gets his hair cut at SuperCuts?

"Nose Candy"

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/47061726/ns/today-today_health/

A controversial new fad diet has become available, where people are not eating or drinking at all for 10 days, but using a feeding tube through their nose to lose weight.  So at the end of the 10 days, you might have lost 20 lbs., but now your nose is really fat.

Patients using the feeding tube diet don’t complain about the lack of food.  They say everything tastes as good as it smells.

The feeding tube only provides 800 calories a day.  Patients daily exercise routine consists of several sets of passing out and falling down. 

"HoloGrammy Winner"

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=721308

Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s finale at Sunday night’s Coachella performance included Tupac Shakur appearing on stage as a hologram.  Reactions were mixed.  Most fans were thrilled, but a small group who don’t understand technology and do believe in ghosts, literally pooped their pants.

The holographic apparition was a surprise for fans in the event’s big finale, but one especially harsh critic saying Shakur’s performance had no life in it.

I said he was especially harsh.

Too soon?

"Oh, Boy, Canada"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2119786/Jenna-Talackova-Transgender-beauty-queen-kicked-Miss-Universe-Canada-pageant.html

Miss Canada, whose name is  Jenna Talackova,  was disqualified from competing in the 2012 Miss Universe pageant when it was discovered that she was born a boy and underwent sexual reassignment to become a woman.   However, by being Miss Canada, at least she still has something to hang her sash on.

When she got the news that she couldn’t compete to become Miss Universe, Miss Canada was upset.  She didn’t tear up, but she did get a lump in her Adam’s apple.

Jenna had always dreamed of winning the title of Miss Universe and then walking the stage, wearing her tiara, holding her scepter.  Told they don’t give you a scepter, she said, “I know.”

Among her hobbies and interests, Jenna lists hunting, fishing, camping, logging, hockey, and drinking beer, which is what tipped pageant organizers off to the fact that she’s from Canada.

In choosing Jenna as the winner over all the other contestants in the Miss Canada pageant, the judges now admit it was a pretty close shave.

"Dark View"

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/story/2012-03-26/Chocolate-lovers-are-thinner-study-says/53790622/1

A new study from UC San Diego says that people who eat a moderate amount of dark chocolate are slightly thinner than those who eat less.  What the study fails to mention is that Americans who eat less chocolate are either drinking or inhaling more of it.

"Holy Gospel, Elvis"

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/03/holy-elvis-new-tour-links-the-king-to-israel-%E2%80%93-sort-of/656500/1

A travel company is promoting its new Elvis Presley Holy Land Tour, a package that will go to Israel with Elvis’s favorite gospel artists.  It is expected that a bunch of Elvis impersonators will sign up, and then meet their tour guide, the Host of Kings.

People on the tour will have the option to be baptized at the Jordon River, with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a bottle of pills.

"This Is Only a Test"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/03/photo-id-to-be-required-to-take-sat-act-exams/1#.T3H1nmE192A

As of this fall, all students taking SAT and ACT college entrance exams will have to present a photo ID.  This, of course, is to cut down on the rampant problem of wild teens’ under-age testing.

The photos of themselves on their ID cards will be helpful to public high school students who can’t read their own names.