In Austin, TX, there were 9 people who accounted for nearly 2,700 emergency room visits between 2003 and 2008, totaling almost $3,000,000 in taxpayers’ money. Many agree that there was wasteful spending, but the ‘free health care for the poor’ part has been a Republican’s nightmare.
Of the 9 patients, 8 have drug abuse problems, 7 suffer from mental illness, and 3 are homeless. Surprisingly, their most common reason for a trip to the E/R: Polo injury.
Regarding the $3 million, the White House said today that the 9 people weren’t trying to be a burden on taxpayers, but rather, they were providing a stimulus to bailout the health care industry.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
“On Her Majesty”
Barack and Michelle Obama met Queen Elizabeth II yesterday at Buckingham Palace. In a break with formal protocol, the First Lady hugged the queen at the end of the meeting. Some American media said the show of affection was a faux pas, but the British press, who aren’t used to such displays, called it “hot, girl-on-girl action.”
“Nose Hare”
In Milford, Connecticut, a pet shop owner discovered that one of his new dwarf bunny rabbits has two noses. Other than that, he is completely normal, if you consider dwarfism, long ears and buck teeth ‘normal.’
A zoological expert said the anomaly may have been caused by in-breeding, which sounds a little sad, but was a huge relief to cosmetics companies.
The young critter has already displayed a high level of curiosity. You might say he’s too nosy.
When the pet shop owner was asked how the bunny smells, he answered, “terrible.”
The rabbit is on a steady diet of carrots, mostly because they are supposed to be good for the eyes. Because how would a two-nosed rabbit wear glasses?
Due to his fame already, the rabbit’s future plans include reenacting the fabled race with the tortoise. Experts already predict that the rabbit could win by a nose.
A zoological expert said the anomaly may have been caused by in-breeding, which sounds a little sad, but was a huge relief to cosmetics companies.
The young critter has already displayed a high level of curiosity. You might say he’s too nosy.
When the pet shop owner was asked how the bunny smells, he answered, “terrible.”
The rabbit is on a steady diet of carrots, mostly because they are supposed to be good for the eyes. Because how would a two-nosed rabbit wear glasses?
Due to his fame already, the rabbit’s future plans include reenacting the fabled race with the tortoise. Experts already predict that the rabbit could win by a nose.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
“Accepting Rejection”
The University of California, San Diego accidentally sent congratulatory acceptance letters to all 46,000 of its fall applicants, even though nearly 29,000 of them were supposed to receive letters of rejection. Luckily, all the rejected applicants are illiterate.
For would-be psych majors, this was a major “Psych!”
Due to the state of California’s money woes, rejected applicants are still invited to pay tuition.
For would-be psych majors, this was a major “Psych!”
Due to the state of California’s money woes, rejected applicants are still invited to pay tuition.
“London Falling”
In London, police arrested over 20 people among the few thousand protesting the G-20 summit, even breaking into the Royal Bank of Scotland as part of an “Abolish money” campaign. The bank break-in allowed the anti-capitalist vandals to get away with zero pounds.
Financial workers and bankers tried to help police by giving a description of law-breakers. This wasn’t very helpful, as it turned out, since they just described them all as “poor-looking.”
On the same day that President and Mrs. Obama met the Queen of England, in Central London, the RSC was painted with graffiti, windows were smashed, equipment was looted, and police were pelted with eggs and fruit. In a related story it’s amazing how far Europeans will go to make Americans feel at home.
Financial workers and bankers tried to help police by giving a description of law-breakers. This wasn’t very helpful, as it turned out, since they just described them all as “poor-looking.”
On the same day that President and Mrs. Obama met the Queen of England, in Central London, the RSC was painted with graffiti, windows were smashed, equipment was looted, and police were pelted with eggs and fruit. In a related story it’s amazing how far Europeans will go to make Americans feel at home.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
“Madonna, Have Mercy”
Modonna is in Malawi, going through the process to adopt a 4 year old girl named Mercy. A Malawian judge held a hearing yesterday, and will rule on the matter Friday. Whether or not Madonna can adopt the girl may depend on her willingness to adopt the judge, too.
The hearing was presumably to determine whether another young person should be raised by Madonna, and live in her house, by her rules. At which point, Guy Richie burst through the door yelling, “It’s not worth it!”
Answering to accusations that Madonna is trying to use her fame and influence to speed up the adoption, she said she is following the standard procedure. In Malawi, it is standard procedure to adopt a child to distract the media from your recent affair with A-Rod.
The hearing was presumably to determine whether another young person should be raised by Madonna, and live in her house, by her rules. At which point, Guy Richie burst through the door yelling, “It’s not worth it!”
Answering to accusations that Madonna is trying to use her fame and influence to speed up the adoption, she said she is following the standard procedure. In Malawi, it is standard procedure to adopt a child to distract the media from your recent affair with A-Rod.
“Water Color Conversation”
A water treatment malfunction near Cleveland, OH caused a chemical overload, turning people’s tap water pink. The problem was soon corrected and the colored water cleared. Amazingly, no one bottled the pink tap water to market it as a calorie-free sports beverage.
There were no ill effects from drinking the colored water, based on tests by chemical expert Dr. Henry Jekyll, and confirmed later in an interview with area resident Mr. Edward Hyde.
There were no ill effects from drinking the colored water, based on tests by chemical expert Dr. Henry Jekyll, and confirmed later in an interview with area resident Mr. Edward Hyde.
“Octomom’s Privacy Publicly Protected”
Fifteen Kaiser Permanente hospital workers have been fired for going into “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s medical records, in violation of patient privacy laws. Hospital policy says employees have to spy out Octomom’s private life on TV and the Internet like everyone else.
Even though they lost their jobs over peeking at Suleman’s files, all 15 workers are still eligible to judge her.
It also may the first time such lengths have been taken to protect the privacy of a person who obviously doesn’t want any.
Even though they lost their jobs over peeking at Suleman’s files, all 15 workers are still eligible to judge her.
It also may the first time such lengths have been taken to protect the privacy of a person who obviously doesn’t want any.
“Bad Breath”
The EPA announced yesterday that will begin taking air samples outside 62 elementary schools in 22 states. The purpose is to determine levels of pollutants are in the air, and where they might be coming from. This will overrule the longstanding, universal school ground air policy, “Whoever smell’d it, dealt it.”
If air pollution levels outside the school buildings do prove to be toxic, it gives a whole other meaning to the campaign encouraging kids to “stay in school.”
If air pollution levels outside the school buildings do prove to be toxic, it gives a whole other meaning to the campaign encouraging kids to “stay in school.”
Monday, March 30, 2009
“Term-inator”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, prompted by reporters’ questions, confirmed that the Obama administration has abandoned the term “war on terror.” Instead, the stepped-up military campaign in Afghanistan is going to be called an “Ass-Kicking Stimulus.”
“Ahead of the Pack”
Coyote attacks are up by a wide margin in several states, including Colorado, Illinois, and New York. The only ones not seemingly alarmed by the threat of the coyotes: cartoon roadrunners.
Their spokesman released a statement, saying, “Beep beep!” and then took off at high speed.
Coyotes may be more likely to attack as suburban sprawl continues to infringe on their natural habitat. One warning sign that a coyote feels threatened is when he starts to order more and more elaborate equipment from the Acme company.
Their spokesman released a statement, saying, “Beep beep!” and then took off at high speed.
Coyotes may be more likely to attack as suburban sprawl continues to infringe on their natural habitat. One warning sign that a coyote feels threatened is when he starts to order more and more elaborate equipment from the Acme company.
“The __it Factor”
Bill O’Reilly said in a Hollywood Reporter interview that he’s boycotting Sean Penn’s films. Politics aside, it was just plain wrong when Spicolli mouthed off to Mr. Hand.
Friday, March 27, 2009
“D-Day”
President Obama has upped the offensive against al-Qaida in Pakistan and Afghanistan today, ordering in 4,000 more troops specifically, he said, “to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat al-Qaida. This is a strong move, especially since terrorists hate alliteration.
“Technical Error”
A recent USA Today reader poll showed high school students’ most popular career choice as Information Technology. With everyone already adjusting to the changes in the way the economy works, however, students now say they’d rather be a crooked, bonus-eligible CEO.
“Taking the Teen out of Nicotine”
A new federal cigarette tax that takes effect April 1st is expected to reduce smoking, at least according to tobacco companies, because they don’t know that nicotine is addictive.
The higher prices are intended as an incentive to cut down smoking especially among teens. Because addicts would never break the law to get their fix, especially teens who have limited money resources and are already breaking the law every time they buy cigarettes.
Actually, statistics prove that higher costs do reduce teen smoking. This new tax increase may even stop it altogether, at least according to the federal government’s Department of Naiveté’.
The new tax was a natural fit for the Obama administration, who needs funding for his economic stimulus efforts, and as everyone knows, nicotine is a stimulant.
The higher prices are intended as an incentive to cut down smoking especially among teens. Because addicts would never break the law to get their fix, especially teens who have limited money resources and are already breaking the law every time they buy cigarettes.
Actually, statistics prove that higher costs do reduce teen smoking. This new tax increase may even stop it altogether, at least according to the federal government’s Department of Naiveté’.
The new tax was a natural fit for the Obama administration, who needs funding for his economic stimulus efforts, and as everyone knows, nicotine is a stimulant.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
“Going After the Gold”
A bearded man allegedly stalking 17-year-old Olympic gymnast and Dancing with the Stars contestant Shawn Johnson was arrested after scaling the CBS Studios fence trying to get on set. When Johnson heard about it, naturally, she flipped.
Police found loaded guns, duct tape, and zip ties, along with news clippings and love letters to Johnson in the man’s car. While every suspect is innocent until proven guilty in court, this guy has already won a Gold Medal in “Creepy.”
And he’s still less frightening than Steve Wozniak’s dancing.
The man had packed all his belongings and drove across the country based on a belief that Shawn had been communicating with him through the television using ESP. Everyone hopes this bizarre behavior is really a harmless hoax and that the man just turns out to be Joaquin Phoenix.
Police found loaded guns, duct tape, and zip ties, along with news clippings and love letters to Johnson in the man’s car. While every suspect is innocent until proven guilty in court, this guy has already won a Gold Medal in “Creepy.”
And he’s still less frightening than Steve Wozniak’s dancing.
The man had packed all his belongings and drove across the country based on a belief that Shawn had been communicating with him through the television using ESP. Everyone hopes this bizarre behavior is really a harmless hoax and that the man just turns out to be Joaquin Phoenix.
“Double-Spaced”
Software billionaire Charles Simonyi made his second vacation trip into space today as a passenger on board a Russian rocket bound for the International Space Station. Experts take it that the world economy is now so bad that rich people are just trying to get off the planet.
Simonyi was a software developer at Microsoft who then became the world’s first “space tourist” with his first voyage into orbit, also aboard a Russian spacecraft. Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on the iRocket.
Simonyi was a software developer at Microsoft who then became the world’s first “space tourist” with his first voyage into orbit, also aboard a Russian spacecraft. Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on the iRocket.
“Happy Vulcan Birthday”
Leonard Nimoy, most famous as Mr. Spock, celebrates his birthday today, and he is turning 78. Fans who want to say the famous Vulcan catch phrase to him now have to adapt it to, “Live really long and prosper.”
Beyond his iconic Star Trek role, Nimoy has done a wide variety of other TV shows, films, radio theatre, and staged readings. At age 78, his biggest accomplishment is that he has finally lived down his late 1960’s record album of Spock poetry and folk songs.
Beyond his iconic Star Trek role, Nimoy has done a wide variety of other TV shows, films, radio theatre, and staged readings. At age 78, his biggest accomplishment is that he has finally lived down his late 1960’s record album of Spock poetry and folk songs.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
“Clinton on Drugs:”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Mexico City to talk to top government officials there about the war with drug cartels. She said, “Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade.” And that was just referring to her husband Bill and herself.
The Obama administration has announced a new plan to combat smuggling, including the use of federal agents, high-tech surveillance, and lining the entire U.S./Mexican border with out-of-work auto-workers.
The Obama administration has announced a new plan to combat smuggling, including the use of federal agents, high-tech surveillance, and lining the entire U.S./Mexican border with out-of-work auto-workers.
“Restaurants Willing to Eat It”
Many national dining chains are creating cheaper meals and specials to try to drive slumping sales figures back up. For example, even cheap menu items like “Biscuits and Gravy” can now be ordered even cheaper, as just “Gravy.”
Several popular restaurant brands have launched dinner deals. Chili’s has meals under $7, including a burger, freshly bought and unwrapped from McDonald’s.
Applebee’s has dropped some entree prices to under $10, without any effort to improve the food.
Outback Steakhouse said they “decided to get back to the DNA of the brand,” meaning, of course, cheap Aussie favorites like shish koala-bob and kanga-steaks.
The restaurants are also doing more ambitious marketing, too, but don’t want to appear desperate. Maybe that’s why T.G. I. Friday’s went back to their original name after 2 weeks as Please Eat at Friday’s.
Several popular restaurant brands have launched dinner deals. Chili’s has meals under $7, including a burger, freshly bought and unwrapped from McDonald’s.
Applebee’s has dropped some entree prices to under $10, without any effort to improve the food.
Outback Steakhouse said they “decided to get back to the DNA of the brand,” meaning, of course, cheap Aussie favorites like shish koala-bob and kanga-steaks.
The restaurants are also doing more ambitious marketing, too, but don’t want to appear desperate. Maybe that’s why T.G. I. Friday’s went back to their original name after 2 weeks as Please Eat at Friday’s.
“Bertinelli’s Beach Bod”
Actress Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover of People magazine this week, clad in a bikini, after dieting on the Jenny Craig plan for 9 months and losing over 40 lbs. How did she do it? One day at a time.
In the last 3 weeks, knowing the bikini photo-shoot was coming, she trimmed down her food intake to only 1200 calories a day. After so long out of a bathing suit, that wasn’t the only thing she had to trim down.
In the last 3 weeks, knowing the bikini photo-shoot was coming, she trimmed down her food intake to only 1200 calories a day. After so long out of a bathing suit, that wasn’t the only thing she had to trim down.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
“Spiderman Thai’d to Rescue”
In Bangkok, Thailand today, an 8-year-old autistic boy, frightened by his first day at his new special-needs school, had climbed out a window to a 3rd story ledge, but was rescued when fireman in a Spiderman costume coaxed him back inside. Suspiciously, the only one to get any pictures of the brave rescue was New York City freelance photographer, Peter Parker.
When other students asked how Spiderman got there so quickly, the teachers’ answer was simple: he was on the Web.
While at the school, Spiderman taught the teachers one of his superhero skills: locking windows.
One hates to think how tragically this could have ended. For instance, if it had been a Disney character, that firefighter would have been sued by now.
The incident was widely reported with its happy ending, except in the Daily Bugle, where J. Jonah Jameson describes Spiderman as a “menace,” who “drives children out onto window ledges.”
When President Obama heard that the incident took place at a special needs school, he immediately compared the school to his bowling skills.
When other students asked how Spiderman got there so quickly, the teachers’ answer was simple: he was on the Web.
While at the school, Spiderman taught the teachers one of his superhero skills: locking windows.
One hates to think how tragically this could have ended. For instance, if it had been a Disney character, that firefighter would have been sued by now.
The incident was widely reported with its happy ending, except in the Daily Bugle, where J. Jonah Jameson describes Spiderman as a “menace,” who “drives children out onto window ledges.”
When President Obama heard that the incident took place at a special needs school, he immediately compared the school to his bowling skills.
Monday, March 23, 2009
“On The 'Cat' Walk”
A fisherman at the Thames River in England spotted a catfish walking out of the river and called the Environment Agency, who confirmed and photographed the find. Charles Darwin, himself, promptly sat up in his grave and said, “Holy crap!”
It’s not that surprising that the catfish climbed out of the river, as everyone knows cats hate water.
The walking catfish has pectoral fins that allow it to walk out of water when seeking a new home, and it can also breathe air for extended periods. These catfish can be pests to indigenous species, and are a real pain to firefighters when they get stuck up in a tree.
The biggest danger to the land-bound catfish is being chased by hungry dogfish.
It’s not that surprising that the catfish climbed out of the river, as everyone knows cats hate water.
The walking catfish has pectoral fins that allow it to walk out of water when seeking a new home, and it can also breathe air for extended periods. These catfish can be pests to indigenous species, and are a real pain to firefighters when they get stuck up in a tree.
The biggest danger to the land-bound catfish is being chased by hungry dogfish.
“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”
Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
“P, Katy”
Singer Katy Perry revealed on her blog that during a photo shoot for a magazine, a chimpanzee who was part of the shoot “peed all over her.” The chimp then used sign language to say, “I pissed a girl and I liked it.”
Katy has since cancelled a scheduled photo shoot with R. Kelly and Andy Dick.
Katy has since cancelled a scheduled photo shoot with R. Kelly and Andy Dick.
“Ash Monday”
Since late last night, Alaska’s Mount Redoubt has erupted in volcanic ash and steam five times, the first such eruptions in almost 20 years. Governor Sarah Palin told everyone not to panic about the volcano, as she plans to hunt and shoot it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Boob Jobs
In Rhode Island, where unemployment has hit 10.3%, strip club owners plan a job fair tomorrow to hire about 30 new people for 3 clubs. They are looking for ambitious, hard-working people, the type that are willing to bend over backwards to satisfy customers.
It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.
This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.
Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.
Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.
The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.
One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.
An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.
It just goes to show, even strippers have to pull themselves up by their own boot straps, particularly if that is all they are wearing.
This could be a good opportunity for someone who is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and would rather live on sweaty $1 bills.
Applicants should bring a resume, but don’t need to bring a C.V. unless it’s Double-D V.
Even if you don’t get hired at this job fair, it’s still a great opportunity for exposure.
The owners say they don’t want any applicants to pad your achievements, but they don’t care if you have them augmented.
One of the girls coming to the job fair said that she’ll give a better interview if you give her $50.
-She is going to get hired.
An important hiring tip for all girls coming to the job fair, especially ones with a lot of stripping experience already: Seriuosly, get someone to watch your kids for you.
“Deep Blue C-3PO”
British scientists have developed robotic fish to detect and transmit pollution data from rivers, lakes and seas. The budget for each fish is about $29,000 most of which is used to build robotic bait to catch them.
The reason the team made the robotic apparatus into fish is obvious. If they made the robots shaped like people, they’d have to spend extra money teaching them to swim.
The other advantage of making the robots fish-shaped is that, if they turn against us and try to terminate humanity, all we need to defeat them is a fishing pole and a grill.
Each robot is carp-shaped and nearly 5 feet long. Of course, by the time the scientists tell the fish story to their friends, they’re saying it’s over 6 feet long.
The fish are equipped with sensors to detect pollution, such as leaks from vessels, chemicals from pipelines, or dolphins tossing cigarette butts.
This technological development may have wider implications. For example, electronic singing novelty fish like Billy the Sea Bass may soon be obsolete.
The reason the team made the robotic apparatus into fish is obvious. If they made the robots shaped like people, they’d have to spend extra money teaching them to swim.
The other advantage of making the robots fish-shaped is that, if they turn against us and try to terminate humanity, all we need to defeat them is a fishing pole and a grill.
Each robot is carp-shaped and nearly 5 feet long. Of course, by the time the scientists tell the fish story to their friends, they’re saying it’s over 6 feet long.
The fish are equipped with sensors to detect pollution, such as leaks from vessels, chemicals from pipelines, or dolphins tossing cigarette butts.
This technological development may have wider implications. For example, electronic singing novelty fish like Billy the Sea Bass may soon be obsolete.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
“Ripped from Today’s Headlines”
New Jersey’s state cosmetology board may ban “Brazilian” waxes, after reports of injuries and infections have raised concerns about the safety of the hair removal procedure. If it comes down to a vote, it might be a close shave.
Measures to pass such a ban are expected to go smoothly, at first, but could get a little bumpy within a few days.
Customers who insist on getting it done may have to go out of state to do so, which could add a whole new layer to state line inspections.
For many Jersey salons and spas, this could cost them a lot of business, creating a really hairy situation for all.
A spokesperson who gets regular Brazilian waxing done made the following statement: “OOwww!!”
Most people feel that there are more important issues facing the State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling, mainly New Jersey's persistant mullet problem.
Measures to pass such a ban are expected to go smoothly, at first, but could get a little bumpy within a few days.
Customers who insist on getting it done may have to go out of state to do so, which could add a whole new layer to state line inspections.
For many Jersey salons and spas, this could cost them a lot of business, creating a really hairy situation for all.
A spokesperson who gets regular Brazilian waxing done made the following statement: “OOwww!!”
Most people feel that there are more important issues facing the State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling, mainly New Jersey's persistant mullet problem.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
“It Takes a Village, People”
The State Department reported today that the United States has decided to cosign a U.N. declaration to decriminalize homosexuality. This is part of a proactive plan to improve our nation’s prisons, which are often accused of creating hardened criminals.
Intended to target human rights abuses and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, the declaration is part of a pink triangulated effort.
Ironically, at a time when diversity is being almost universally applauded, the U.N. itself is now being targeted as being too homogenous.
Sixty-six other nations have also joined in on the declaration, but rather than a written signature, all the countries’ representatives will kiss each other on the mouth.
The U.N. thought about celebrating with a Human Rights parade, but it was decided that that would be too gay.
Congress was not said to be involved in the agreement to sign the declaration, and there was no bipartisan committee to even look at it. But here were those who were bi-curious.
Intended to target human rights abuses and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, the declaration is part of a pink triangulated effort.
Ironically, at a time when diversity is being almost universally applauded, the U.N. itself is now being targeted as being too homogenous.
Sixty-six other nations have also joined in on the declaration, but rather than a written signature, all the countries’ representatives will kiss each other on the mouth.
The U.N. thought about celebrating with a Human Rights parade, but it was decided that that would be too gay.
Congress was not said to be involved in the agreement to sign the declaration, and there was no bipartisan committee to even look at it. But here were those who were bi-curious.
“Births of a Nation”
The National Center for Health Statistics reported today that last year’s birth rate was the highest in U.S. history. The biggest concern so far is that these babies will grow up and take jobs from our illegal aliens.
In 2007, there were 4.31 million births in America. The previous record was 4.30 million births in 1957. Thanks for pushing us over the edge, Octomom.
About 23% of the babies were born to teen mothers. This is hardly surprising when you consider that Bristol Palin made it seem so cool.
Statistics suggest that teen pregnancy rates will drop in the near future, due to the economy, birth control education programs, and mainly because teens will be too busy taking care of their babies to have more sex.
In 2007, there were 4.31 million births in America. The previous record was 4.30 million births in 1957. Thanks for pushing us over the edge, Octomom.
About 23% of the babies were born to teen mothers. This is hardly surprising when you consider that Bristol Palin made it seem so cool.
Statistics suggest that teen pregnancy rates will drop in the near future, due to the economy, birth control education programs, and mainly because teens will be too busy taking care of their babies to have more sex.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Green Day
The White House dyed the water green in the North and South lawn fountains today for St. Patrick’s Day. Just another example of the government wasting the taxpayers’ green.
Actually, there was no dye in it. The water was just from a river where corporations have been regulating their own factory waste since the start of the Bush administration.
In keeping with Irish tradition, today is the day that all the Leprechauns come out to celebrate, and if they see their shadow, we have six more weeks of hangovers.
Actually, I don’t know much about St. Patrick’s Day, and my knowledge of its traditions is about as authentically Irish as a Shamrock Shake.
Actually, there was no dye in it. The water was just from a river where corporations have been regulating their own factory waste since the start of the Bush administration.
In keeping with Irish tradition, today is the day that all the Leprechauns come out to celebrate, and if they see their shadow, we have six more weeks of hangovers.
Actually, I don’t know much about St. Patrick’s Day, and my knowledge of its traditions is about as authentically Irish as a Shamrock Shake.
Monday, March 16, 2009
“Non-Pro Posers Throw Blows” or “Emaciated Incarcerated”
In New York, a stampede and near riot broke out late last week among would-be contestants at a cattle call audition for America’s Next Top Model. Interestingly, the story’s inclusion of the words “cattle” and “stampede” has resulted in all the models swearing off all food.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
Most models aren’t often involved in such chaos and disorder. Unless, of course, it’s an eating disorder.
Three were arrested and six were injured at the audition. One person was hit with what she thought was a stick, that actually just turned out to be one of the models.
Two of the six injured were taken to the hospital. Several others drove themselves to the hospital, but that was just for more elective plastic surgery.
More people would have been arrested, but there was no way to keep handcuffs on their skinny little wrists.
Sadly, those who were arrested were denied their request to bring a makeup artist for their mug-shots.
Following the incident, Executive Producer and host of America’s Next Top Model Tyra Banks showed genuine concern by encouraging everyone to watch her syndicated daily talk show.
Past contestants were appalled and said the whole incident just made them want to throw up. Which they were planning to do anyway.
No one knows exactly what started the whole melee, but producers expressed their sincere regret that it wasn’t all captured on camera for a highlight reel.
“Stimu-less”
Some Republican governors are rejecting their share of $7 billion for unemployment benefits. But they know how bad job losses are right now. Their thinking is, if there are no new jobs created, that’s that many fewer jobs that people can lose.
“Commander-In-Studio”
The White House has announced that President Obama will make an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Thursday. There was no intention to snub David Letterman, but Leno is still buying brand new American-made cars every day.
In fact, he’s the only one buying any.
Jay better watch it, though. If any of his jokes bomb, Secret Service will take him out.
Many people think that Obama may feel the need to step it up since a new NBC series introduced the idea of the U.S. having a king.
This is the first time a sitting U.S. president will be getting couch-time on a late night talk show. Not that The Tonight Show hasn’t tried before. They always thought a "Jay Walking" segment asking President Bush common knowledge questions would have been hilarious.
In a related story, it could be said that for eight years, Letterman could have shown clips of Bush for any “Stupid Human Tricks” segment.
In fact, he’s the only one buying any.
Jay better watch it, though. If any of his jokes bomb, Secret Service will take him out.
Many people think that Obama may feel the need to step it up since a new NBC series introduced the idea of the U.S. having a king.
This is the first time a sitting U.S. president will be getting couch-time on a late night talk show. Not that The Tonight Show hasn’t tried before. They always thought a "Jay Walking" segment asking President Bush common knowledge questions would have been hilarious.
In a related story, it could be said that for eight years, Letterman could have shown clips of Bush for any “Stupid Human Tricks” segment.
Friday, March 13, 2009
“Interest in Principle”
South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford, a Republican, announced this week that he may turn down part of the stimulus money headed to his state on principle. South Carolina citizens are right behind their governor to say, “Hey, if he doesn’t want the money, we’ll take it!”
Sanford says the money isn’t the issue, and he may be right, especially since all the publicity he is getting is free.
Sanford says the money isn’t the issue, and he may be right, especially since all the publicity he is getting is free.
“Hogan’s Smear-o’s”
Hulk Hogan got into a verbal altercation with his wife’s divorce lawyer outside a Florida court yesterday. When Hogan tried to interject a comment to TV cameras, the lawyer said of Hogan, “You’re an actor. You’re acting now,” marking the first time anyone ever considered Hogan an actor.
The lawyer tried to provoke Hogan, asking Hulk if he was going to wrestle him. Not that there could be a fair match-up between the Hulkster and a divorce attorney. One man pounds, chokes, and squeezes other men for a living, and the other is Hulk Hogan.
The lawyer even did all of this after asking Hulk Hogan for an autograph for his son last week. The lawyer had him personalize it, too, asking Hulk to write, “To the highest eBay bidder.”
The lawyer tried to provoke Hogan, asking Hulk if he was going to wrestle him. Not that there could be a fair match-up between the Hulkster and a divorce attorney. One man pounds, chokes, and squeezes other men for a living, and the other is Hulk Hogan.
The lawyer even did all of this after asking Hulk Hogan for an autograph for his son last week. The lawyer had him personalize it, too, asking Hulk to write, “To the highest eBay bidder.”
“Agri-Vation” or “Don’t have a Cow”
Agriculture officials called Texas’ drought a billion-dollar disaster today, in reference to losses to cattle raisers. It’s only going to get worse now, as they are going to be sued by Detroit automakers claiming that “Billion-dollar Disaster” is their new slogan.
The lack of crops means less feed for cattle, which translated to lower sale weights for beef cattle. Yet somehow, American people keep getting fatter.
Simply put, there is less meat from each cow sold. On the plus side, in this economy, who can afford steak anyway?
The lack of crops means less feed for cattle, which translated to lower sale weights for beef cattle. Yet somehow, American people keep getting fatter.
Simply put, there is less meat from each cow sold. On the plus side, in this economy, who can afford steak anyway?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
“Life Intimidates Art”
An animated family movie called Monsters Vs. Aliens is set to open later this month. In it, a group of monsters have to save the world from aliens, so it’s already prompting protests of discrimination from illegal aliens.
“Identified Flying Objects”
The International Space Station crew had to evacuate into the Russian space capsule Soyuz today over fears of collision with a piece of debris from a 1993 U.S rocket launched,moving towards them at 22,000 miles per hour. In a related story, today, NASA was ticketed for littering.
The piece of debris was only 5 inches long, but at orbiting speed, that enough to penetrate the station’s shielding. This means that in the future, instead of laser weapons, all our space adventurers are going to need are beer cans.
Coors Light: the “Silver Bullet,” indeed.
Star Trek could be re-written. Instead of the Klingons firing disruptor rays at the Enterprise, they could terrorize them by throwing shoes like an Iraqi journalist.
The piece of debris was only 5 inches long, but at orbiting speed, that enough to penetrate the station’s shielding. This means that in the future, instead of laser weapons, all our space adventurers are going to need are beer cans.
Coors Light: the “Silver Bullet,” indeed.
Star Trek could be re-written. Instead of the Klingons firing disruptor rays at the Enterprise, they could terrorize them by throwing shoes like an Iraqi journalist.
“What You Talking About? Willis.”
The tallest building in America at 110 stories, the Sears Tower in Chicago is about to be renamed. In keeping with the times, the skyscraper will have a new sign in front. One that says, “Foreclosed.”
The real new name will be “Willis Tower,” named for Willis Group Holdings, a London-based insurance broker now leasing. Not yet a well recognized international brand, they decided to use the Willis name after rejecting suggestions such as “Insurance Broker Zone” and “The Chicago Party Station.”
The real new name will be “Willis Tower,” named for Willis Group Holdings, a London-based insurance broker now leasing. Not yet a well recognized international brand, they decided to use the Willis name after rejecting suggestions such as “Insurance Broker Zone” and “The Chicago Party Station.”
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Chasing Amy"
Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lightin' Up... or Down
A new report form the American Psychosomatic Society says that people exposed to secondhand smoke may be twice as likely to suffer from depression. Like coughing and choking was supposed to cheer them up?
This same report implies that people consider exposure to carcinogens to be a bummer. I’m guessing the report is not based on an isolated study, but is more likely data collected from what we call “common sense.”
Another new study revealed that secondhand tobacco smoke could also increase the risk of memory problems and dementia in people over 50. For people under 50, if they want to lose some memories and get a little demented, they should stick with smoking pot.
This same report implies that people consider exposure to carcinogens to be a bummer. I’m guessing the report is not based on an isolated study, but is more likely data collected from what we call “common sense.”
Another new study revealed that secondhand tobacco smoke could also increase the risk of memory problems and dementia in people over 50. For people under 50, if they want to lose some memories and get a little demented, they should stick with smoking pot.
Domestics Disturbed
Reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna were back together after she was allegedly assaulted by him February 8th have resulted in a house-wife backlash against her for “putting up with” violence in the relationship. Sure, everyone wants to bash Rihanna, now that Chris made it trendy.
It may be unfair to judge, and fans may feel better after hearing a spokeman for Rihanna say of her that she is “a strong, courageous woman… who’s just biding her time for revenge.”
It may be unfair to judge, and fans may feel better after hearing a spokeman for Rihanna say of her that she is “a strong, courageous woman… who’s just biding her time for revenge.”
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
“Formulaic Story”
Today is square root day, meaning the month times date equals the year, 3/3/09. This is an event that occurs just 9 times a century and was celebrated by math fans everywhere, as soon as they freed themselves from the lockers they’d been stuffed in by jocks.
If you don’t know what a square is, it’s the nerd who that thought up this holiday.
If you don’t know what a square is, it’s the nerd who that thought up this holiday.
“I Write the Graffiti That Makes the Whole World Sing”
In New Zealand, a large outdoor shopping mall plans to pipe in Barry Manilow music to try to combat problems with teen littering, spray-painting, and other acts of vandalism. It might work, but on the other hand, hasn’t there already been enough pain and suffering?
Obviously, the juvenile delinquents vandalizing the mall must be dealt with. But does everyone else have to suffer?
The plan could really change the atmosphere of the entire mall. If young people become Manilow fans by hearing his music, this mall could become the hottest spot north of Havana.
I think Barry should be appreciated in New Zealand, the beautiful land now synonymous with Middle Earth. In fact, no one reminds me of a Hobbit more than Barry Manilow.
Obviously, the juvenile delinquents vandalizing the mall must be dealt with. But does everyone else have to suffer?
The plan could really change the atmosphere of the entire mall. If young people become Manilow fans by hearing his music, this mall could become the hottest spot north of Havana.
I think Barry should be appreciated in New Zealand, the beautiful land now synonymous with Middle Earth. In fact, no one reminds me of a Hobbit more than Barry Manilow.
‘Thin at the Mint” or “Short on the Bread”
In the Seattle area, a local troop of girls was paid with 5 counterfeit $20 bills for Girl Scout Cookies. Some stories just make you shake your head. I mean, imagine the nerve of these girls to charge so much for cookies.
Three suspects have been caught and are being charged for passing counterfeit money. The thieves’ lawyers argue that in this economy, real U.S. currency is virtually worthless, anyway.
On the upside, these Girl Scouts have earned their Crime Victim badge.
Three suspects have been caught and are being charged for passing counterfeit money. The thieves’ lawyers argue that in this economy, real U.S. currency is virtually worthless, anyway.
On the upside, these Girl Scouts have earned their Crime Victim badge.
Monday, March 2, 2009
“Planted Information and Its Roots”
A new study says that children were twice as likely to eat vegetables with cooler names. Four-year-olds ate twice as many carrots presented as "X-Ray Vision Carrots," and peas referred to as "Power Peas." Now that the study has been released, however, those foods will have to compete with "Captain Candy" and "Super Soda."
Scientists say the name changes raise a child’s enthusiasm and expectations for the food. This study was just presented to Washington, D.C.’s School Nutrition Association, but matches previous research by Marvel Moms and Dyno-Dads around the country.
Still a failure: Leprous Lima Beans.
The Department of Education is excited about this approach, figuring if American public schools can push vitamins A, B, C, and D, maybe they can actually teach those letters, too.
School lunch programs expect to see great benefits from this strategy, until, of course, kids sue and put them out of business for deceptive advertising and breach of promise.
Scientists say the name changes raise a child’s enthusiasm and expectations for the food. This study was just presented to Washington, D.C.’s School Nutrition Association, but matches previous research by Marvel Moms and Dyno-Dads around the country.
Still a failure: Leprous Lima Beans.
The Department of Education is excited about this approach, figuring if American public schools can push vitamins A, B, C, and D, maybe they can actually teach those letters, too.
School lunch programs expect to see great benefits from this strategy, until, of course, kids sue and put them out of business for deceptive advertising and breach of promise.
“Cat’s High” or “Just Say Meow To Drugs”
An Omaha man was arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty when he put his cat in a box-like homemade bong. The cat did not appear to be harmed, and has since been spending time writing music, laughing at nothing, and snacking on mice like there’s no tomorrow.
There is also a fear that the cat could move on to harder drugs. In fact, he has already been spotted on the streets, trying to buy catnip.
The Humane Society noted that the cat bit on a ball of yarn for hours, later diagnosing it with a bad case of cottonmouth.
AP Photos showed the bong itself to be a foot-long, duct-taped plastic box with a piece of garden hose attached. The public at large has been outraged, saying, “That’s the worst bong I’ve ever seen! Is there no head-shop in Nebraska? Don’t you at least have the Internet?”
There is also a fear that the cat could move on to harder drugs. In fact, he has already been spotted on the streets, trying to buy catnip.
The Humane Society noted that the cat bit on a ball of yarn for hours, later diagnosing it with a bad case of cottonmouth.
AP Photos showed the bong itself to be a foot-long, duct-taped plastic box with a piece of garden hose attached. The public at large has been outraged, saying, “That’s the worst bong I’ve ever seen! Is there no head-shop in Nebraska? Don’t you at least have the Internet?”
Friday, February 27, 2009
“Airline’s Number One Plan”
Ireland’s Ryanair, the largest budget airline in Europe, is considering installing pay toilets on their airplanes. Great. Because passengers really want to make sure they are carrying more change before they go through airport metal detectors.
It’s even worse in First Class. You’ll still have to deposit a coin to get into the restroom, but then, once inside, it’s expected that you tip the attendant.
What they think they are going to make in toilet fees, though, they are going to lose in drink sales. Either that, or they are just going to have to start also charging for empty cups.
Also, anyone who uses an airplane restroom to join the ‘mile high club’ will technically have to admit to having paid to do so.
It’s even worse in First Class. You’ll still have to deposit a coin to get into the restroom, but then, once inside, it’s expected that you tip the attendant.
What they think they are going to make in toilet fees, though, they are going to lose in drink sales. Either that, or they are just going to have to start also charging for empty cups.
Also, anyone who uses an airplane restroom to join the ‘mile high club’ will technically have to admit to having paid to do so.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"Fish out of Water"
An illegal pet snakefish named Rocky has won a temporary stay of execution from New York state officials. Snakeheads pose a danger to any other fish they share water with, and have been banned since 2004. Though the state delayed plans to kill the fish, they are keeping him at bay with tarter sauce and a lemon wedge.
Snakehaeds will eat all other fish in a pond or lake, including their own young. They can even survive out of water for three days. Since he was originally purchased legally in 1999, Rocky may have his sentence reduced to being flushed down the toilet.
In the meantime, Rocky is just swimming in his solitary tank, working out, getting tattoos, and waiting to see if he gets a call from the governor.
Snakehaeds will eat all other fish in a pond or lake, including their own young. They can even survive out of water for three days. Since he was originally purchased legally in 1999, Rocky may have his sentence reduced to being flushed down the toilet.
In the meantime, Rocky is just swimming in his solitary tank, working out, getting tattoos, and waiting to see if he gets a call from the governor.
"Big Wheel"
After 26 years on television, Wheel of Fortune is celebrating its 5,000th episode this week. It has been on a long time. To get around the puzzle board, Vanna White now needs a scooter.
Some of the contestants from the first season’s Kids Week are now coming back for the Senior Citizen Challenge.
5,000 shows, and I still giggle when a contestant spins and then says, “I’ll take a P, Pat.”
They’ve been on for so many years, R, S, T, L, N, & E want to retire.
Over the years, they have had 15,000 contestants. That’s a lot of people for Jeopardy! fans to look down on.
Wheel of Fortune really has been on a long time. In fact, here’s a little of its history:
-Before the Premiere: The Used Letter Board was briefly called the New Letter Board.
-Season 1: Before episode number one, they had to invent the wheel first.
-Season 2: Pat Sajak’s suits were by Botany 1.
-Season 3: The show became more challenging with new puzzle categories and the invention of the alphabet.
-Season 4: Before each round, the producers had to carve the letters into rocks.
-Season 5: The prizes were livestock.
-Season 6: Instead of letters, the contestants had to guess hieroglyphs.
-Season 7: The top monetary value on the wheel was a handful of beads.
-Season 8: Pat Sajak’s cue card lines were painted on a cave wall.
-Season 9: If Vanna was wearing fur, it was from an animal she’d killed that morning.
-Season 10: There were still only 4 vowels.
-Season 11: The winner got cash and merchandise. Second place got a parting gift. Third place was hunted, killed, and eaten.
-Season 12: To widen their audience to more than 50 people, television was invented.
-Season 13: To widen their audience to more than 100 people, the Mid-West was invented.
“Truck Stop Hero”
A Good Samaritan who pushed two elderly women out of harm’s way and was then struck by a truck was cited for jaywalking. The local police have a policy that when a person is injured, they should immediately add insult.
The cop who issued the ticket says he was just doing his job. It’s true; enforcing law and order is his job. When he kicks puppies, though, that’s just for fun.
The cop who issued the ticket says he was just doing his job. It’s true; enforcing law and order is his job. When he kicks puppies, though, that’s just for fun.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"Schwarzenegger, the Actor?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in a new movie starring and directed by, his friend Sylvester Stallone. Shooting begins late March. This is a great idea since by the end of March, the state of California will be too broke to pay him his salary.
In his cameo appearance, Schwarzenegger will play himself not as an action hero, but as the governor of California. Looking at the state’s budget and infrastructure, critics already agree it’s really a stretch.
The title of the film, written by Stallone, is “The Expendables.” Schwarzenegger is currently working on his own California-inspired screenplay about the biggest battle he has ever faced, aptly called “The Expenditures.”
-It’s a horror movie.
In his cameo appearance, Schwarzenegger will play himself not as an action hero, but as the governor of California. Looking at the state’s budget and infrastructure, critics already agree it’s really a stretch.
The title of the film, written by Stallone, is “The Expendables.” Schwarzenegger is currently working on his own California-inspired screenplay about the biggest battle he has ever faced, aptly called “The Expenditures.”
-It’s a horror movie.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
“De-Grading on a Curve”
A study to be published in The American Journal of Preventative Medicine says there may be a link between teen sexual activity and music that has “degrading” sexual lyrics. In reaction, retailers are quickly pulling all copies of The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold your Hand.”
Results of the study may have already made a bunch of ‘Emo’ kids cry. On the other hand, it’s hard to tell, because they were also crying before the study even began.
Teen boys who prefer hip-hop presented challenges when being surveyed for the study because they were busy degrading their girlfriends sexually during the interview.
Rappers themselves participated in the study, but only so far as to show up unannounced, personally perform degrading sex acts on the researchers, and then leave.
There has been a long suspected link between teen behavior and the music they listen to. This theory has been researched with kids who listen to heavy metal, but has never been proven. This may be because the kids always kill and eat the researchers.
The researchers, all mature adult scientists, also listened to the music for the sake of the study, but it had no affect on any of their sex lives, especially with respect to degrading activities. That’s because, when you're middle-aged, just listening to Top 40 is degrading enough.
Teens’ sexual activity is prompting cultural and economic changes as well, such as iTunes new online-order-only line of iCondoms.
Results of the study may have already made a bunch of ‘Emo’ kids cry. On the other hand, it’s hard to tell, because they were also crying before the study even began.
Teen boys who prefer hip-hop presented challenges when being surveyed for the study because they were busy degrading their girlfriends sexually during the interview.
Rappers themselves participated in the study, but only so far as to show up unannounced, personally perform degrading sex acts on the researchers, and then leave.
There has been a long suspected link between teen behavior and the music they listen to. This theory has been researched with kids who listen to heavy metal, but has never been proven. This may be because the kids always kill and eat the researchers.
The researchers, all mature adult scientists, also listened to the music for the sake of the study, but it had no affect on any of their sex lives, especially with respect to degrading activities. That’s because, when you're middle-aged, just listening to Top 40 is degrading enough.
Teens’ sexual activity is prompting cultural and economic changes as well, such as iTunes new online-order-only line of iCondoms.
"Batter Up"
Today is National Pancake Day, an annual free-pancakes charity event sponsored by IHOP to benefit the Children’s Miracle Network. The nonprofit hopes to make $1 for every inch gained on each customer’s waist.
Each year it has been held, the event has raised over a million dollars for charity in a single day, showing just how warm Americans’ hearts are. Clogged with butter and syrup, yes, but still warm.
Each year it has been held, the event has raised over a million dollars for charity in a single day, showing just how warm Americans’ hearts are. Clogged with butter and syrup, yes, but still warm.
“Don’t Fly for Me, Argentina”
Richard Williamson, the controversial, Holocaust-denying bishop, was asked to leave Argentina by their government, and then got into a scuffle at the airport, putting his hand in a TV reporter’s face and then pushing him into a pole. Of course, Williamson claims the pushing didn’t happen, the reporter doesn’t exist, and the pole is a myth created by Jews.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
“What Utah-kin’ ‘Bout, Willis?”
In Provo, Utah, a judge has ruled that a videotaped deposition from actor Gary Coleman will remain sealed until a personal injury suit against him is settled. Because Gary Coleman is in it, one must assume that it was a straight-to-video deposition.
The lawsuit involved Coleman allegedly hitting a man with his truck. It was not reported whether blocks must be strapped to Gary Coleman’s shoes in order for him to drive a truck.
The judge was concerned that release of the video could hurt Coleman’s chance at a fair trial. Coleman’s lawyer said release of the video could destroy Coleman. In a related story, Gary Coleman should fire his lawyer.
The lawsuit involved Coleman allegedly hitting a man with his truck. It was not reported whether blocks must be strapped to Gary Coleman’s shoes in order for him to drive a truck.
The judge was concerned that release of the video could hurt Coleman’s chance at a fair trial. Coleman’s lawyer said release of the video could destroy Coleman. In a related story, Gary Coleman should fire his lawyer.
“Knight Will Make You See Stars”
Death Row Records co-founder Marion “Suge” Knight pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery charges in Nevada, related to hitting a girlfriend in a Las Vegas Strip parking lot last year. I guess someone doesn’t like to lose at bingo.
Knight also had a knife, Ecstasy, and hydrocodone at the time of his arrest, but the knife was not used in the battery and the drug charges were dropped. Apparently the court felt the slap on the wrist shouldn’t be as hard as he slapped his girlfriend.
The drug charges were felonies that would have each carried up to a 4-year prison sentence. Fortunately, Knight’s attorneys were able to have the case heard in the Celebrity Court, Special Treatment wing.
Suge wound up paying a $340 fine, was ordered to seek counseling, and will now go back to hanging out in nightclubs that cater to violent thugs.
Don’t think that Suge always batters people. Sometimes it’s just assault.
All jokes aside, Suge, please don’t hurt me.
Knight also had a knife, Ecstasy, and hydrocodone at the time of his arrest, but the knife was not used in the battery and the drug charges were dropped. Apparently the court felt the slap on the wrist shouldn’t be as hard as he slapped his girlfriend.
The drug charges were felonies that would have each carried up to a 4-year prison sentence. Fortunately, Knight’s attorneys were able to have the case heard in the Celebrity Court, Special Treatment wing.
Suge wound up paying a $340 fine, was ordered to seek counseling, and will now go back to hanging out in nightclubs that cater to violent thugs.
Don’t think that Suge always batters people. Sometimes it’s just assault.
All jokes aside, Suge, please don’t hurt me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
“Coffee without All the Perks”
Starbucks is innovating a new, premium instant coffee product called Via. The business strategy is simple: if they can make the coffee instantly, they’ll get your money faster.
To combat the idea that instant won’t be as good as brewed coffee, they already have a slogan. “Via coffee. If you’re not a connoisseur, but still want to look pretentious.”
Starbucks wants to assure Via instant customers an equal coffee experience to their freshly brewed cup. To that end, they are training supermarket clerks to act like snobby, stuck-up baristas.
To combat the idea that instant won’t be as good as brewed coffee, they already have a slogan. “Via coffee. If you’re not a connoisseur, but still want to look pretentious.”
Starbucks wants to assure Via instant customers an equal coffee experience to their freshly brewed cup. To that end, they are training supermarket clerks to act like snobby, stuck-up baristas.
“Like Phish out of Water”
Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps will not face charges related to the recent photos that show him allegedly smoking a marijuana pipe. For the record, Phelps is a swimmer, and it was, technically a water pipe. He might have just been training.
Phelps has apologized repeatedly since the incident, and maintains that he would never have even gone to that party if he had known that someone there would have a camera.
Seven other people were investigated and arrested on drug charges stemming from the party and other incidents. It wasn’t reported whether or not they, too lost their million-dollar endorsement deals.
Phelps was dropped as a spokesman for Kellogg’s cereals over the marijuana incident. Ironic, since they advertise so many of their products as either baked or toasted.
The county sheriff said that the person who took the photo of Michael Phelps sold it for $100,000. Experts predict that that’s gonna buy him a lot of weed.
Phelps has apologized repeatedly since the incident, and maintains that he would never have even gone to that party if he had known that someone there would have a camera.
Seven other people were investigated and arrested on drug charges stemming from the party and other incidents. It wasn’t reported whether or not they, too lost their million-dollar endorsement deals.
Phelps was dropped as a spokesman for Kellogg’s cereals over the marijuana incident. Ironic, since they advertise so many of their products as either baked or toasted.
The county sheriff said that the person who took the photo of Michael Phelps sold it for $100,000. Experts predict that that’s gonna buy him a lot of weed.
Friday, February 13, 2009
“Moo Juice?”
In India, a company is making a new soft drink made from cow urine to compete with major soft drink brands. The company owner really hopes people will like it, and so does R. Kelly.
This, of course raises the question, just how bad is the water in India?
Studies have shown that one of the best ways to quench thirst is to remove all desire to drink.
India’s Cow Protection Campaign may be able to capitalize on the proposed slogan, “Not Milk?”
It almost seems as if the whole thing must be a giant national hoax, known as an Indian Burn.
The beverage is said to be in the final stages of development. The last stage, however may take years, as it required that they find someone willing to taste it.
The makers of the beverage say it will be inexpensive. Good. Like they say, ‘why would you want to buy the whole cow when you can drink the pee for cheap?’
The soft drink developers want to make sure they have an efficient way of collecting the supply of their ingredients. Every drop wasted is like money down the toilet.
After drinking the divine bovine, hygiene habits suggest that a woman would wipe her mouth with a napkin, whereas a man would just shake it off.
Over time, manufacturer’s research says that their product will eventually be welcome everywhere except at people’s swimming pools. No one wants pee in their pool.
Note: At the last minute, my editor made me change the headline of this story. The original was “Indians Have a Drinking Problem.”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.ece
Special thanks to my friend Dave Wiggins in Arizona for this news story, linked above.
This, of course raises the question, just how bad is the water in India?
Studies have shown that one of the best ways to quench thirst is to remove all desire to drink.
India’s Cow Protection Campaign may be able to capitalize on the proposed slogan, “Not Milk?”
It almost seems as if the whole thing must be a giant national hoax, known as an Indian Burn.
The beverage is said to be in the final stages of development. The last stage, however may take years, as it required that they find someone willing to taste it.
The makers of the beverage say it will be inexpensive. Good. Like they say, ‘why would you want to buy the whole cow when you can drink the pee for cheap?’
The soft drink developers want to make sure they have an efficient way of collecting the supply of their ingredients. Every drop wasted is like money down the toilet.
After drinking the divine bovine, hygiene habits suggest that a woman would wipe her mouth with a napkin, whereas a man would just shake it off.
Over time, manufacturer’s research says that their product will eventually be welcome everywhere except at people’s swimming pools. No one wants pee in their pool.
Note: At the last minute, my editor made me change the headline of this story. The original was “Indians Have a Drinking Problem.”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.ece
Special thanks to my friend Dave Wiggins in Arizona for this news story, linked above.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sex/Education
Ohio fourth-grade teacher Amber Carter was arrested at a motel Tuesday on charges of prostitution after using a school computer to arrange a “date.” The most shocking part: someone in Ohio still has a job.
Superintendent Lawrence Anderson realized he should have been suspicious when Carter started referring to him as Larry the Pimp.
Ms. Carter has been placed on administrative leave pending the case. In the meantime, she has no class.
Obviously these charges may affect her advancement in the school, which is unfortunate, since she was expecting to go for Department Head.
Her career as a prostitute was doomed anyway, since, after her customers were finished, she had a tendency to grade them.
-On a sliding scale, I might add.
Her specialty was the oral exam.
For an extra $20, she might give you extra credit.
Educators nationwide have stood up for Ms. Carter, saying that prostitution is far less demoralizing than teaching fourth grade.
If teaching grammar school pushed her into life as a call girl, you could say she “Hooked on Phonics.”
Superintendent Lawrence Anderson realized he should have been suspicious when Carter started referring to him as Larry the Pimp.
Ms. Carter has been placed on administrative leave pending the case. In the meantime, she has no class.
Obviously these charges may affect her advancement in the school, which is unfortunate, since she was expecting to go for Department Head.
Her career as a prostitute was doomed anyway, since, after her customers were finished, she had a tendency to grade them.
-On a sliding scale, I might add.
Her specialty was the oral exam.
For an extra $20, she might give you extra credit.
Educators nationwide have stood up for Ms. Carter, saying that prostitution is far less demoralizing than teaching fourth grade.
If teaching grammar school pushed her into life as a call girl, you could say she “Hooked on Phonics.”
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"Say You Want An Evolution"
Today is Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday, and it is being celebrated around the world despite the fact that Darwin himself died 127 years ago. By his own theory, he’d have survived, had he been fitter.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
"Wal-Mart Clearance"
Wal-Mart is reducing its staff at its Arkansas headquarters by 700 to 800 people, out of 14,000. The employees laid off will be sold out of a giant bin, at rock-bottom prices.
The bad news is that employees being laid off will get no severance package. The good news is they get to keep their Sam’s Club membership.
The company says the layoffs are necessary because its financial plan for the year was flawed, probably due to the fact that it was cheaply manufactured by under-age, third-world labor.
The bad news is that employees being laid off will get no severance package. The good news is they get to keep their Sam’s Club membership.
The company says the layoffs are necessary because its financial plan for the year was flawed, probably due to the fact that it was cheaply manufactured by under-age, third-world labor.
"-Rod Rage"
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
"Live Wrong and Prosper" or "Deep Space Crime"
In Denver, CO, a masked man robbed two 7-11 stores armed with a Klingon sword. Obviously the mask was to conceal his nerd glasses.
Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.
The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.
This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.
The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”
The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.
Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.
There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.
At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.
The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.
Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.
The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.
This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.
The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”
The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.
Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.
There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.
At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.
The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A (-hole) Rod
Rod Blagojevich was removed as governor today following the Illinois senate vote ending his impeachment trial. Blagojevich claimed that he has “done absolutely nothing wrong.” Sure, he put Barack Obama’s Senate seat up for sale, but hey, nobody bought it.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
Name Blame
A new study from Social Science Quarterly says that boys with uncommon names are more likely to commit a crime than boys with popular names. I guess that explains what went wrong with Adolph and Benito.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Long Rodent to Recovery
In Spain, a new study found that stem cells can reverse paralysis in rats. The finding are very encouraging to the science and medical communities, but are being seen as a blow to opponents of stem cell research and people who hate rats.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
“Post Knows Bills”
Due to budget deficit concerns, the U.S. Postmaster requested of Congress today that mail delivery be cut to five days a week. The downside is that every disgruntled postal employee’s pay cut is going to require twice as much spending on Homeland Security.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
Action (Against) Jackson
Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, over royalties from their collaborative music video, Thriller. Landis co-wrote the groundbreaking 80’s video, in which Jackson transformed into a freakish, skeletal creature that sang and danced, but caused teens to scream in terror. Jackson is counter-suing Landis for dooming him by predicting that future.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Cutting Down on Caffeine
Coffee giant Starbucks announced another 300 store closures in addition to the 600 already planned for this year. In their own terms, the company is scaling back from ‘Venti’ to ‘Grande.’
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
Monday, January 26, 2009
For the Birds
The FAA is getting ready to test a new radar system designed to track the flight of flocks of birds. In light of the Hudson River plane landing caused by birds earlier this month, fresh technologies may be a sign of this new presidential era. Bush just wanted to arrest the birds as terrorists.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Raising a Racket
Over the weekend at the Australian Open tennis tournament, Serena and Venus Williams’ doubles match was interrupted when a male streaker ran onto the court. No one stopped him because they just thought he was the ball boy.
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
Ritalin Me This
The FDA has determined that drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can have some serious side effects in rare cases. The bad news is, some ADHD patients experienced hallucinations. The good news is the patients paid no attention to them.
Booked on Charges
A woman in Iowa was arrested for failing to return a book to the library. Most shocking fact about the arrest: Apparently, people in Iowa can read.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
Friday, January 23, 2009
“Making an Appointment”
The governor of New York has appointed U.S. Rep. Kristin Gillibrand to take Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, based on his primary criteria, selecting an individual who universally drew a response of “I’ve never heard of her in my life.”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
“Cuban Export”
Fidel Castro told Argentina’s press office that he doesn’t expect to be around in another four years. Four years? What’s he worried about? Elections?
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
“Digital Clock Winding Down”
The Senate is trying to delay next months universal switch-over to all digital TV signals due to economic considerations. Opponents of the delay point at that if we were already digital, the Senate could just pause and rewind the decision to get rid of analog.
“Money Flushed Down the Toilet”
A New York landlord was forced to pay a $10,000 fine for removing the toilet from an apartment to try to force a tenant out. Meanwhile the tenant was forced to try to hold everything in.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dick on Wheels
Dick Cheney attended the inauguration ceremony pushed in a wheelchair. In an ironic twist, after pushing the country around for 8 years, he’s finally being pushed around.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Inaugural Change-of-Address
Today’s top news story is from Washington D.C.: heavy tourist traffic and the road closure of Pennsylvania Avenue has led to back-ups and delays in the surrounding area.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
History is made.
Yes, history has been made, as this blog has now surpassed the milestone of over 1,000 jokes posted. Bask in the glow of this memorable moment.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tapped Out
Beer sales have fallen off due to the sluggish economy, prompting layoffs at some smaller brewing companies. Of course, logic suggests that the people laid off will be depressed and therefore more likely to drink, pushing sales figures right back up.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Biggest City
Men’s Fitness Magazine has published a research study that reveals America’s fattest cities. Topping the list, surprisingly, is Miami, FL. The surprise is because we always just thought Miami was big boned.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Il Advised
Dictator Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his youngest son, Kim Jong Un, to succeed him as the leader of the country. Jong’s two older brothers plan to forever pretend to be happy for their younger sibling so that they won’t, you know, be killed.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
Flush on Funds
A man armed with a gun attempting a bank robbery in Kentucky was foiled after walking in to find the bank had been converted into the town’s water department two weeks prior. His quick cash grab went down the drain.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Idol Threat
American Idol, which debuted its 8th season last night, is suing an Austin, Texas strip club for trademark violation over its “Stripper Idol,” in which the audience votes to award a cash prize to a weekly winner. Losers, by definition, then try to audition for the real American Idol.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
Common Cold
Extremely cold weather has been hitting many areas across the country. To fight the cold, Al Gore is recommending that people up their fossil fuel use. “Screw conservation.”
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ancient/China
A 107-year-old woman in China is looking for a husband. Wang Guiying has never been married and says she is seeking a man who is at least 100, so they will have things to talk about. Whatever, gold-digger.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Indigestion Proposal
In Normal, Illinois, a young couple married inside a local Taco Bell this past Friday. The couple originally thought about a more formal ceremony, but they felt McDonald’s was just too snooty.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Spare the Rod, Spoil the Trial
Illinois legislators voted today to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich by a vote of 114 to 1. The only vote for him was from his own hair.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Gu Gu's Zoo Boo-boo
A giant panda named Gu Gu in the zoo in Beijing bit his third tourist. Public alarm has resulted in the zoo deciding to no longer feed him people.
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Taken to the Cleaners
Former judge Roy Pearson of Washington, D.C. is appealing his unsuccessful $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaners over a lost pair of pants. Had Pearson won, the owner of the cleaners would have counter-sued for having lost his shirt.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Home Run!
A 72-year-old Fresno, CA woman found an old baseball card and tried to sell it on eBay for $10 before learning that it was a 139-year-old photograph of the first professional baseball team in history. The card’s actual value could be $100,000, which n this economy, still means she’ll have to sell it for 10 bucks.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Power Lunch
Barack Obama had lunch today with President Bush as well as former presidents Clinton, Bush Sr., and Carter. The five of them met privately to eat and talk, and then, in order to reflect the current national situation, President Bush stuck Obama with the bill.
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
Children's Children
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Mississippi now has the highest teen birth rate. This confirms what has long been suspected: being born in Mississippi is a disease.
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
In the Spirit of Marriage
The Ghost Whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement to Scottish actor Ross McCall. Also, Medium’s Patricia Arquette and actor husband Thomas Jane filed for divorce today. So, in summary, if you’re on TV and you see dead people, it’s time to start seeing other people.
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