Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"I-HMO-Hotep" or "Ancient Patient"

Doctors discovered prostate cancer in a 2,200 year old Egyptian mummy.  Apparently they used to think that the cure for cancer was to just wrap the patient in bandages.

Unfortunately, it was a pre-existing condition, not covered by his insurance, Blue Ankh and Blue Shield.

It's a good thing this was discovered.  The hieroglyphs depicting his doctor's exam were previously thought to be ancient gay porn.

“Exit Factor”

Simon Cowell has reportedly fired Steve Jones, Nicole Scherzinger, and Paula Abdul from The X-Factor.  Apparently, he’s been judging them all along.

Steve and Nicole were very upset.  Paula will be, too, when she comes down.

Simon was not able to get rid of the people he really wanted to: Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, and Cee Lo Green.

Thus, the new season of The X Factor already has a winner: Simon’s ego.

As it happened, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres felt a great disturbance in the Force.

The firing that was least expected was Steve Jones, because no one’s ever heard of him.

Paula Abdul’s next ambition is to become a contestant on a reality show that judges reality show judges.

The firings have not yet been confirmed by Fox Television, leaving open the possibility that the entire ordeal was nothing more than a hallucination of Steven Tyler’s.

Monday, January 30, 2012

“Army of 147 million””

The Salvation Army reported Monday that their 2011 Christmas collection efforts rose $147.6 million, their highest total ever.  Upon hearing this, Joe Biden said, “See?  That’s why we pulled them out of Iraq.”

“The Tooth Hurts” or "Clip on"

A Massachusetts dentist accused of using paper clips in root canals instead of sterile stainless steel posts, among other charges, has lost his license and is being sent to jail for a year.  After completing his jail time, he will move to England to be hailed as the best dentist the country.

This is the second blow to his dental practice, which was already running suspiciously low on office supplies.

Asked why he thought a paper clip would be helpful, he said, “It always worked in Microsoft Office.”

“Plane Meaning”

Iraqi government officials are upset over the U.S. military’s continued use of unmanned drone aircraft over Iraq, following the withdrawal of all U.S. troops a month ago.  Former President Bush was shocked, as he was sure that U.S. drones would be welcomed as “liberators.”

Iraq would rather we just kept troops there, so they could have people on whom to focus their resentment.

As Iraqi officials say that they protest, the officials US response is, “Oh yeah?  You and what army?”

Friday, January 27, 2012

“Home Security”

The federal government has put a new crime unit in place to focus on home mortgage fraud cases.  This is little consolation to those who lost their homes, since those in the financial services industry who are convicted of mortgage fraud still get to spend years living in free, federal housing.

“Lottery Ticket to Nowhere”

An un-named Iowa lottery winner has withdrawn his claim to a $14.3 million jackpot.  If people can turn down multi-million-dollar prizes, now, than the good news is, the recession is over.

The unknown winner turned down the money once he found out he couldn’t have it directly transferred to his off-shore Cayman Islands holding company, tax-free, for use in his presidential campaign.

Officially, because it’s Iowa, the government pays the winner $14.3 million to not grow corn.

“Moon U-Newt”

Newt Gingrich said this week that as president, he would place a permanent American base on the moon by the end of his second term.  Possibly, that’s all he expects to be left of America by then.

Of course, the new moon base would be a conservative base.

Newt wants voters to associate him with the moon, which is easy.  Both are big, round, white, dense, and have little gravity so nothing sticks to them for long.

Many people in the business world like the idea of building on the moon, because it doesn’t have the environmental compliance restrictions we have here on Earth.

“Clean Air and Consciences”

California has passed new emission standards aimed at a 75% reduction in air pollution by 2025, by pushing hybrid and electric cars.  Not only will they reduce smog by up to 75%, there will also be a 34% reduction in hybrid snobbery and electric smugness.

Because ‘smug’ and ‘snob’ equals ‘smog.’

Friday, January 20, 2012

"Sleep Mode"

A company has revealed a new robotic pillow that becomes more comfortable by fluffing and adjusting itself while you sleep.  Now they are developing Creepy Robot Pillow, which just watches you while you sleep.

It was a pleasant coincidence that this robot happened to be comfortable enough to make a good pillow.  When it was invented, its original purpose, like all robots, was for sex with Japanese businessmen.

"'Red Tails Tale"

George Lucas' new movie "Red Tails" opens this weekend.  Not only does it showcase the real-life heroism of the Tuskegee airmen, it also functions as an apology to black movie-goers who were offended by Jar Jar Binks.

The movie’s big twist is when the audience learns that star Cuba Gooding Jr.’s father is really James Earl Jones.

I don’t know if the movie is good, but if does well commercially, expect 2 sequels and a prequel trilogy to follow.

“Royals Off the Grid”

Prince William and Duchess Kate are taking separate vacations.  Kate is in the Caribbean with her family, while William is on a hunting trip in Spain with his brother Harry.  Kate will be sunning and swimming, while William hunts for his lost hair.

Hence his title, “Hair to the throne.”

Thursday, January 19, 2012

“Rick’s Retreat”

Rick Perry ended his presidential campaign Thursday, just 2 days shy of the South Carolina primary.  Apparently, he thought that was the last one.

Perry is looking forward to going back to Texas to tend to the matters of his office as governor. Especially, picking up syringes to personally vaccinate all Texas teen girls.

Perry quickly gave his endorsement to Newt Gingrich, pointing out that even while he was running, he planned to vote for Gingrich.

Perry said Gingrich wouldn’t be afraid to tell Washington interests to take a hike.  He’s right.  A pay hike.

Gingrich said he was humbled by Perry’s endorsement.  That marks the first time Gingrich’s name has
ever appeared in the same sentence as the word ‘humble.’

Perry decided on Gingrich because, with all his womanizing, he seems the least likely to be gay.

As the governor of Texas, Perry’s one regret is that you can’t kill a campaign by lethal injection or electric chair.

“Threesome, Tiresome”

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne, said  that her then husband had asked her if they could have an “open marriage,” so he could see another woman, who later became his 3rd wife.  Speculating how this might play into politics, critics say that a President Gingrich might want to be become the prime minister of Canada at the same time.

Gingrich supports say his ex-wife’s account just proves that Newt is able to adapt to changing times and lay plans for the future.

The former Mrs. Gingrich said this all went on while Newt publicly criticized then President Clinton’s family values in the midst of his sex scandal.  When Clinton heard about this overlap, he immediately found Newt and high-fived him.

“End of Negotiations” or "Captain's Final Log"

Priceline is killing off pitchman William Shatner’s Priceline Negotiator character in an upcoming commercial.  Sure to be a ruse, the commercial must take place in an alternate timeline or the Mirror universe.

The killing will be done by deal-thirsty Klingons.

It is still unclear if Shatner will be replaced by the next generation spokesman, Patrick Stewart, a reimagining starring Chris Pine, or if the franchise will just be logically taken over by Leonard Nimoy.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

“Judging Lindsay”

Lindsay Lohan was back in court Tuesday morning for a probation hearing.  The judge was impressed by her recent completion of community service hours and counseling sessions.  But even more impressed by her Playboy photos.

Despite her legal troubles, Lindsay is clearly trying to cooperate with the court and trying to get back to having a normal life.  Of course, for Lindsay, normal is going to the Golden Globes between weeks of community service hours at the morgue, after posing for naked pictures for $1 million.


Food Network star Paula Deen has publicly announced that she has Type 2 diabetes, and as a result, she may change many of her recipes.  They will all still be full of butter and sugar, but now Paula says to add half a cup of insulin.

Though Paula has known she has Type 2 diabetes since 2008, she didn’t want to reveal news of it publicly until she was cured, died, or got an offer to move to the Sugar-Free Network.

“Round Numbers”

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the steady rise in the obesity rate in the U.S., seems to have leveled off at 35.5%.  Now that we seemed to have reached the top of the hill, we’re rotund enough to roll down it.

It isn’t that Americans aren’t continuing to become obese, but the ones who have been obese are finally dying at the same rate.

“Small Risk”

Due over a fire risk from a faulty circuit board, BMW has recalled nearly 90,000 Mini Cooper vehicles.  Fortunately, that’s the equivalent of only 30,000 regular size cars.

While the Minis are serviced, the customers, like all BMW drivers, will still be able to get around on their general feeling of superiority.


A Los Angeles woman was arrested for prostitution after offering sexual favors in exchange for Chicken McNuggets.  This is exactly why Chicken McNuggets should come with a wet-nap.

She was released when police were unable to prove that there was any chicken in a McNugget.

For a side of fries, you can chicken finger her.

“Speeding Fast Food”

Burger King is testing home delivery of its food.  Because there’s nothing quite as delicious as a flame-broiled hamburger that you re-heat in the microwave, yourself.

Home delivery could be a big success for Burger King, as long as they are smart enough to rule out deliveries by their creepy, silent King mascot.

Americans have gotten so lazy, we don’t even want to go out of the house to pick up the greasy fast food that’s killing us.

McDonald’s recently tried a similar plan, but their delivery vehicles kept getting car-jacked by the Hamburglar.

“Baby Train”

A New Jersey woman gave birth to a baby boy on a commuter train to New York Monday.  The train conductor acted fast – he was quick to collect the fare for the extra passenger.

When the mother’s contractions quickened and it became obvious she wasn’t going to make it off the train in time, the father delivered his own baby.  Naturally, both parents’ biggest concern was that the baby not be born in New Jersey.

Once the train stopped, the family was rushed to the hospital, where doctors and administrators scrambled to charge them as much money as possible.

“The Flight Was Smashing, Not Crashing”

An automated announcement aboard a British Airways flight incorrectly informed passengers that the plane was about to crash-land in the Atlantic Ocean, briefly causing a panic.  That was in coach.  In first class, the passengers were calmly invited to swim with dolphins.

The London-bound passengers were quickly reassured by flight attendants, but then they panicked again when they heard that the plane had run out of tea.

The passengers realized that the plane wasn’t going to crash when they noticed that none of the crew had gone into a lavatory to join the mile high club.


British scientists have rediscovered lost fossil samples collected and put onto slides by Charles Darwin in 1846.  The samples were from trees, plants, and fungi, but disappointingly, over the past century and a half, none of them evolved into anything else.

Friday, January 13, 2012

“A Series of Good Fellas”

AMC has announced that they are developing a new TV series based on the movie GoodFellas.  The network expects viewers to take interest – if they know what’s good for them.

The show is being financed with some bags of money that just happened to fall off a truck.

If the show is a success, it will spawn an inferior spin-off called “Casino.”

“Human Zoo”

Human rights groups Wednesday condemned a video from a remote island off the coast of India showing tribal women being made to dance for food.  Here is the US we would never tolerate such a thing.  In America, those women would be dancing for dollar bills.

"Police Chase"

In Porter County, Indiana, A man arrested for drug charges escaped the arrest scene while handcuffed by stealing the police car.  The suspect came up with the strategy by watching old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard.

"Bald Barbie"

A group started by cancer survivors is petitioning Mattel to make a Barbie doll who is bald.  As anyone who’s ever removed her clothes knows, in a way, she already is.

If Barbie underwent chemotherapy for cancer, at least it would finally explain how she’s so skinny.

"Coming Out in Utah"

The Advocate, a magazine catering to the gay community, put Salt Lake City, Utah at number 1 on its 3rd annual list of the “Gayest Cities in America.”  Though controversial, the gay attention has certainly made Salt Lake City even saltier.

Said a Salt Lake City spokesman, “Our city isn’t actually as gay as it looks.  Most Mormons just spend a lot of time at the gym.”

Because of the attention, The Great Salt Lake itself is being renamed The Fabulous Salt Lake.

Of course, a hit Broadway Musical called The Book of Mormon doesn’t exactly change the new stereotype.

"Chaz Boner?"

In a recent interview Chaz Bono told Rolling Stone magazine that he' s in the market for finding a penis.  This was unexpected, because when he was a woman, penis was the thing Chaz hated most.

Apparently it was a pretty limp interview.

“Judge Agrees: Edwards Needs a Knife Stuck in his Chest”

Citing a “life-threatening” need for heart surgery, a federal judge has postponed John Edwards’s trial for allegedly breaking campaign finance laws to cover his affair with Rielle Hunter.  Two doctors confirmed that Edwards’ condition, as the affair while his wife was dying of cancer proves that he was and is heartless.

In a related story, John Kerry has flip-flopped on supporting Edwards.

"Presidential Power"

President Obama has asked Congress to give him the authority to merge overlapping federal agencies overseeing international trade.  He followed that request to Congress with another: that both houses agree to disband altogether and grant him the title of Permanent King.

"Deen and Sugar"

Country cooking maven Paula Deen may address the rumors that she has Type 2 diabetes.  The rumors started in April when Deen accidentally cut her finger with a kitchen knife and pure butter ran from the wound.

Fortunately, with some ice and a band-aid, the butter quickly hardened.

"Low Blow to Khloe"

Friday on Good Morning America, Kris Jenner dismissed a tabloid news story claiming Khloe Kardashian is not really the daughter of Robert Kardashian, but the result of one of Kris’s affairs.  Evidence based on Khloe’s appearance suggests the real father was either Andre the Giant or a wooly mammoth. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

“Chris Brown to Calm Down?”

Singer Chris Brown's representatives have announced that he will be focusing on singing and performing and not doing any interviews about his personal life in 2012.  There's no joke ready for that.  Chris Brown wants to punch it up himself.

"Becker and Pecker"

A hearing was postponed for Catherine Kieu Becker, the woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and putting it down a garbage disposal.  The prosecution asked for the delay because their star witness was going off, half-cocked.

“’Anger Management’ Management”

Charlie Sheen spoke to reporters about his upcoming TV series “Anger Management” on Sunday.  Sheen says he is ‘eager to tackle more mature themes,’ which is his publicist’s phrasing of his announcement that he is now willing to start banging older broads.

“International Incident”

Papa John’ pizza formally apologized to a New York customer after an employee typed up her receipt describing her as “lady chinky eyes.”  Unfortunately, the official apology went like this, “Ah-so.  Me so solly.”

The company fired the employee responsible.  A Spokesman said, “If he wants to work in a fast food environment that’s an insult to Asians, let him go work at Panda Express.”

Unfortunately, this is hardly their first culturally insensitive incident.  For years they have offended Italians with what Papa John’s calls ‘pizza.’

To be more culturally sensitive, they are also renaming their Hawaiian pizza the Pacific Islander pizza.

The news story went viral within hours.  The customer was even more offended by the way the media putting a slant on it.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


"Vote for Newt Gingrich.
Because to lead the free world, you should be of planetary size."

"Mitt Romney for president.
Because the best way not to be afraid of Mormons is to have one everybody keeps an eye on..."

“ Rick Santorum.
He'll bring decorum. (That's why I'm for 'im.)”

"Support Ron Paul. 
Didn't he used to play Frasier and Niles' dad on TV?"

 ‎"There's still time to get behind Herman Cain.
After all, he wants to get behind you."

"Reelect President Obama.
I mean, come on, America, be fair; you gave W. two tries."

“Police Force.”

A Florida state trooper was forced to use a Taser on a man dressed as Darth Vader.  The suspect was drunk and was accused of publicly exposing his light saber.

The trooper had to get the upper hand before his suspect could power up the Death Star.

But at least it didn’t happen in front of his kids, Luke and Leia.

For besting Vader in battle, the Trooper has been promoted to Storm Trooper.

In implementing the taser, the trooper used the force.  Specifically, he used non-lethal force.

“When the Smoke Clears… Applications”

In an increasing employment trend, companies are avoiding hiring smokers in order to cut health and
life insurance costs.  In other words, they are literally sick of having to cough up more money.

Smokers have the last laugh, though, when they die and don’t need a job any more.

The National Workrights Institute, an off-shoot of the ACLU, is working to defend smokers’ rights.  They call such hiring bans a cancer on the lungs of the workforce.

All the fuss is making smokers nervous, which only makes them smoke more.

With more and more companies getting on board, this hiring trend appears to be addictive.

"Chipmunk Cheeky"

A Chicago man was arrested after stripping naked at a movie theatre showing  Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.  Even creepier, the man referred to his genitals as “Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.”

"Of Mice and Se-Men"

A team of German scientists say they have been able to grow mouse sperm in a laboratory.  The hard part was getting their hands on mouse porn.

Future applications for this study could mean an end to fertility problems for men.  Assuming they don’t mind babies who look like mice.

There have been millions of previous occasions when a mouse helped a man produce sperm, but until now, it was always a computer mouse.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

“Bachman Bach’s Out”

After finishing 6th in the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, Michelle Bachman has said she is suspending her presidential campaign, but said she will continue to fight against President Obama.  She did not specify how she’ll fight him, but one can presume her main weapon will be her crazy stare.

Now that Bachman is out of the campaign, she will be free to spend more time with her husband to try to turn him straight.

“Arabian Night-gowns”

A new law has gone into effect in Saudi Arabia, allowing only women to work in ladies’ lingerie stores.  This is for the sake of the privacy and dignity of the ladies who shop there, claimed the Saudi Transvestite Businessman’s Association.

The store’s inventory consists of only the latest fashions in women’s intimate apparel.  Otherwise, their customers wouldn’t be able to show their faces in public.

A wide variety of lingerie styles are available, because as the saying goes, “beauty is in the eye-slit of the beholder.”

Though Saudi women are required to have their entire bodies except hands and eyes covered in public, they are allowed to wear more revealing attire at home, as way to feel attractive before being forced into sex by their husbands.

Saudi Arabia’s most popular lingerie store is Victoria’s Shiek-ret.

“Crabbing On” or “Crab on the Hoff Shell”

Scientists in the Antarctic have discovered a new sub-species of Yeti crab which they have nicknamed the Hasselhoff crab, after David Hasselhoff, because it appears to have a hairy chest.  Hasselhoff is certainly not, however, the first Baywatch cast member to have crabs.

The crabs are protected by a hard shell that is bulletproof and has both computer intelligence and a turbo boost.

The Hasselhoff crabs also walk sideways, but that’s because they are drunk.

The new species is already topping the pop charts in Germany.

“Of Mice and Men”

PepsiCo is facing a lawsuit from a man who alleges that in 2009, he found a mouse in a can of Mountain Dew he was drinking.  The mouse is also suing PepsiCo for being forced to taste the Mountain Dew.

PepsiCo says they suspect a hoax, and they say that a mouse sealed inside the can would have partially dissolved or taken on a gelatinous composition.  Their statement may not win their case, but it does assure that no one is ever going to want to drink Mountain Dew again.

“Cardinal Sin” or “When in Rome”

Assistant bishop Gabino Zavala of the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Los Angeles has resigned over a scandal in which it was revealed that he had a secret family including 2 teenage children.  The Church was shocked, of course, that a Catholic bishop turned out to be straight.

The Los Angeles diocese has a long Roman Catholic tradition of scandal and resigning in disgrace.

Even though he is no longer a member of the priesthood, his kids still call him Father.

Now the bishop is just like most other Los Angeles dads: unemployed.

“Cops at Lindsay Lohan’s House – But It’s Not What You Think.”

Lindsay Lohan called police to her Venice Beach home New Year’s Day, when a trespassing man knocked on her door and refused to leave.  Officers showed up to arrest the man, but as soon as she saw the cops, out of habit Lindsay swallowed her drug balloons and hid stolen jewelry in her vagina.