“South of the Bieber”

Last night Justin Bieber walked off stage ending a Buenos Aires concert early for the second time since visiting South America, this time citing food poisoning as the reason.   Because it just sounds conceited to say he had a Bieber fever.

Bieber’s manager said his food poisoning was so severe he spent the 8 hours before the show on an IV drip.  Said The Rolling Stones, “An IV drip?  Big deal – we do that before every show.

Bieber was already at the center of controversy in South America, allegedly visiting a brothel, which may be the real origin of his “drip.”

“Navy Blues”

More allegations have surfaced in the US Navy sex scandal, in which contracts for goods and services may have been given in exchange for money and gifts including  services of prostitutes.  For instance, submarine officers were influenced about where and when they would be going down.

Now a 3-star admiral has been implicated.  If he was involved in illicit sexual behavior, naval uniform protocol demands that his stars immediately be replaced with x’s.

Reports claim the scandal will taint the admirals.  But as everyone knows, rear admirals rarely get out with their taint intact.

“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“The Russians Are Coming"

Russian president Vladimir Putin will be visiting Viet Nam tomorrow in an effort to improve relations there.  Coincidentally, that event will also be a major plot point in the next Sylvester Stallone action movie.

Once he is there, safely in an underground lair, Putin can finally remove his human-like mask and show the Vietnamese leaders his lizard skin underneath.

"Immodest Proposal"

Last week Kanye West flew Kim Kardashian to San Francisco, where he surprised her by having rented out AT&T Park, home of the Giants, where he then proposed.  He wanted to bring her to a place big enough for her ass and his ego.

Though they’ve been together a while now, Kim said the proposal came totally out of left field.

In his proposal, Kanye told Kim that if she’d marry him, she would make him the happiest man in the world, you know, because of all the publicity.

Kanye said that the only thing that could make him happier was if he could marry himself.

Kanye did not offer his proposal in a rap, but only because Kim had not bought a ticket to be in the stadium.

Members of Kim’s family were hiding in the dugout waiting for Kim’s answer.  The dugout seemed the perfect place for them, since it, too, is shallow.

Khloe Kardashian was there, but she kept getting mistaken for the Giants’ mascot.

Kanye proposed with a giant, 14.2-carot diamond ring.  Kim said it was the best thing he ever gave her, the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, and it goes without saying that she loves it much more than their baby.

Actually, Kanye and Kim couldn’t wait to celebrate their happy news with their baby, North, as soon as they figure out which nanny currently has her.

Kanye had decided this was the perfect time to propose, because as a couple, it’s very important that they promote his new album.

Kim said ‘yes’ to Kanye, making way for a huge celebration for all their lawyers.

As soon as Kim accepted the proposal, Kanye went straight to third base.

There was no TV crew there, allowing Kim and Kanye to enjoy this as a private moment before the next sex tape.

Kim will soon be planning her bridal shower, which is what Kris Jenner calls meeting with networks to see who gets the deal to broadcast the wedding.

Kim and Kanye don’t care what denomination their wedding officiate is, as long as it’s someone who bows down to Yesus.

Kim and Kanye will not wed at AT&T Park, because even they know that with AT&T, you’ll get a lousy reception.

In a somewhat related story, that same day, Kris Humphries went on a blind movie date, where he spilled a soda on the girl right after the coming attractions.

“Kim and Kanye Konceive”

Kim Kardashian said that she had a hard time getting pregnant.  But once the video camera was rolling…

If families with young children watch the Kardashians on TV and the kids start asking where babies come from, their parents should explain to them, “A baby is made when a man and a woman love attention very much…”

The baby already has its own reality show, with the crew filming 24/7 from inside Kim’s uterus. 

But to be fair, they were already there before she got pregnant.

A few years after the baby is born, Kim and Kanye already can’t wait to show their child the tape of his or her conception.

Kim and Kanye have decided NOT to show the birth on television.  Some moments are just so special and private that they only belong on pay-per-view.

It’s too soon to know if the baby will look like Kim or Kanye when its born, but like all 3-month fetuses, for now its face looks like Bruce Jenner.

“Hair Force One”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2013/01/17/michelle-obama-has-another-new-hair-do---with-bangs/1842981/

Ahead of her husband’s second inauguration, Michelle Obama has gotten a new hairstyle, sporting bangs.  Or as Republican conspiracy theorists are calling it, a forehead cover-up.

The rumor is, if President Obama isn’t crazy about his wife’s new hairdo, he’s going to push for a ban on hand-held scissors.

“Take Aim, Rand”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/17/rand-paul-lets-arm-teachers/1843003/

On Thursday, Sen. Rand Paul said he supported the idea of having school teachers carry guns in school.  He said, “Not only would it allow educators to defend themselves in the event of a crisis, we’d see a lot more class work being finished on time.”

At the end of those standardized tests, when teacher says pencils down, you’d better put that pencil down!

“That test is getting a ‘B.’  And the ‘B’ stands for ‘buckshot.’”

Galactic Empire

Disney has bought Lucasfilm for a reported $4 billion, with plans to make Star Wars Episodes 7, 8, and 9.  Already, Darth Vader’s helmet is being fitted with mouse ears.

George Lucas will be involved with the new sequels as a consultant, so he still has a chance to ruin them.

It is hard to calculate whether the franchise is really woth $4 billion, making some suspect that Disney executives became the victims of a Jedi mind trick.

With Star Wars becoming a part of the Disney family, Pinocchio finally has a wooden brother in Hayden Christiansen.

Instead of being considered “lame,” Jar-Jar Binks will be reclassified as “wholesome.”

Disney's growing empire has made some nostalgic for the Old Republic.

Disney knows how to handle the storm troopers, since its slate of romantic comedies proves they have plenty of experience with clones.

“Re-Cycling”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/cycling/2012/10/22/uci-no-appeal-lance-armstrong-usada-decision/1648865/

The international Cycling Union announced Monday that it would not appeal the sanctions imposed on Lance Armstrong, who was stripped of all 7 titles in the Tour de France and barred for life from competing in sanctioned Olympic sports.  Adding insult to injury, his former love Sheryl Crowe has retroactively repealed everything from their relationship, especially the sex.

The UCI’s decision came after Armstrong declined to fight the doping charges against him.  No longer an inspiration to kids, his new message is, “If you fall off a bike, don’t bother getting back on.”

“Air Trafficking Controllers”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/travel/flights/2012/10/17/baggage-handler-at-nyc-airport-gets-life-in-prison/1639061/

A baggage handler at New York City’s John F. Kennedy international Airport was sentenced to life in prison for in-flight drug trafficking, including hiding cocaine inside sensitive wing assembly components, potentially threatening passengers’ lives.  It’s sad, because he was the only handler who was actually careful with the luggage.

Though federal prosecutors got their conviction, the case had gotten confusing when drugs that were supposed to be shipped to one city were often diverted to another.

“Flavor of the Month”

http://seattletimes.com/html/entertainment/2019453775_apusflavorflavarrested.html?prmid=head_main

Last night, Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas for domestic violence.  His attitude was, “You mess with the bull, you get the plastic Viking helmet horns.”

This never would have happened in Hollywood, where for years, Flavor couldn’t even get arrested.

Flavor might be facing some heavy jail time.  If there’s one guy who understands heavy time, it’s a guy who wears a wall clock around his neck.

When an argument became heated between he and his fiancée, Flavor got the idea to, “Yo! Bum Rush the Show…rty.”

Flavor allegedly threw his fiancée to the floor, twice.  His excuse was, “Bitch should have stayed down after the first time.”

He is also accused of chasing his fiancee’s son with a knife, a felony assault charge.  At that point, witnesses called 911, but as Flavor can attest, “911 Is a Joke.”

If found guilty, after all these years, Flav is finally living up to the name Public Enemy.

Fortunately for all involved, no one was injured.  Fortunately for America, no new Flavor Flav reality show is planned.

"Fearless Fall"

Daredevil “Fearless Felix” Baumgartner broke skydiving world records Sunday, jumping from a giant balloon 24 miles up, then free-falling to speeds over 800 miles per hour.  That’s what you have to resort to when your airline has blackout days for your frequent-flyer-miles.

Felix was free-falling for over 4 straight minutes, and for part of that he was spinning completely out of control.  This means that he’s now qualified to make a comeback next year as a judge on The X Factor.

He traveled faster than the speed of sound, which was his whole objective.   Not just to be the first person to do it without a vehicle or craft, but to be able to blame the sounds of panicked screaming on a guy he claims was a thousand feet behind him.

He fell 24 Miles straight down.  Men are impressed by this.  Women are convinced he’d have landed faster if he’d stopped and asked for directions.

The entire stunt was sponsored by Red Bull, which is surprising, because they didn't give him wings.

Some spectators said the whole idea of a man risking his life for a little fame left a bad taste in their mouths.  And there’s your tie-in with Red Bull.

Because Red Bull orchestrated everything, Felix was expected to get to a high very quickly, but then crash hard and burn out.

“Cryer’s Keepers”

http://www.emmys.com/

Jon Cryer won the Emmy award last night for Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, proving you can be on Two and a Half Men and win an Emmy without smoking crack.

Cryer’s next move is to go crazy, do lots of drugs, whore it up, and trademark the resulting catchphrases.

“Call Waiting”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/story/2012/09/21/iphone-5-first-day-sales/57815108/1?csp=hf

Apple customers are swarming to buy the new iPhone 5.  Most enthusiasts are excited about the sleek, new look and features of waiting in long lines.

Apple stock is up and expected to continue to rise, unless iPhone 4’s Siri becomes jealous over 5’s attention.

Apple is expected to make such large sales gains that from now on, New York City will be known as The Little Apple.

“Shuttered Shuttle Shuttled”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/endeavour-soars-over-sacramento-en-route-to-la/57815248/1

The retired Space Shuttle Endeavor landed in Los Angeles today.   It was flown in, strapped to the top of a jumbo jet.  The unusual landing not only impressed spectators, it earned the shuttle the nickname “Romney’s Dog.”

Now that its retired, the shuttle will become an exhibit at the California Science Center, where it will spend it's days talking with other shuttles about the good old days, and telling everyone else to get out of its yard.

“Fat Chance”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/sugary-drinks-may-magnify-the-genetic-risk-of-obesity/57821200/1

Harvard researchers say that people who are genetically predisposed to obesity are more likely to become obese if they drink a lot of sugary beverages.  Their conclusions are based on studying 32 genes, gathering ancestry data and testing thousands of grouped subjects.  But they could have gotten the same results just from looking at people.

“Jersey No-More”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/mtvs-jersey-shore-will-end-after-sixth-season/1#.UD_kHcGPUsc

MTV has announced that the next season of Jersey Shore would be its last.  The reason for its cancellation after 6 seasons is that thanks to the cast, the state of New Jersey has run out of alcohol.

The most painful thing about the end of the series is, instead of referring to Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi,” with the prefix “TV star,” people will have to refer to her by the prefix “Best-selling author.”

Not only do Snooki and J-Woww have their own spin-off anyway, now that Snooki has given birth to her baby, she will be opening her own production company, in her vagina.

Once the series ends, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will split his time between product endorsement deals and using his own existence as evidence that evolution is now working backwards. 

Actually, once the show is off the air, the cast drop their TV personas and will resume their real lives: going to college and spending their spare time reading classic literature and discussing philosophy.

“That’s your Cue, Harry." or "Royal Hiney"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/prince-harry-gets-naked-in-las-vegas/1?csp=hf#.UDVH4MGPUsc

TMZ caught images of a naked Prince Harry who was apparently playing strip billiards in a Las Vegas hotel.  Luckily, before anyone could see how the billiards game was going, Harry had the sense to cover his balls.

Things got even more awkward when cameras caught Harry chalking his own cue.

Hopefully the prince remembered the first rule of naked billiards: try not to scratch on the break.

The photos have resulted in the young royal’s new nickname, Prince Hairy.

Harry claims he was just trying to sink one in the corner pocket.

Most embarrassing to the royal family: Harry must be pretty bad at billiards.

“LL Cool Justice”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/story/2012-08-22/ll-cool-j-burglar/57205912/1

Actor/Rapper LL Cool J stopped a burglar who had broken into his house and held him until police arrived.  The burglar wasn’t actually trying to escape arrest, he just wanted to flee before Cool J made him watch NCIS: Los Angeles.

"Plucking at the Peacock"

As part of NBC's major budget trim of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno has taken a $5 million per-year pay-cut.  As a result, instead of starting each day by driving a different custom car to work, every day Leno will be taking a different bus.

Many companies are needing to cut back to reduce expenses, especially the ones that had to pay out $40 million to lose Conan O'Brien.

“Grey Spider”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/comics/story/2012-08-21/Spider-Man-50th-anniversary/57195770/1

Marvel Comics iconic superhero Spiderman turns 50 this week.  Spiderman hasn’t changed much since turning 50, except he’s adding insulation to his costume so he doesn’t catch a chill.

At 50, he’s still out fighting crime every night, but he’s started turning in by 10:30.

Also, the eye-lets in his mask are now bifocals.

When Peter Parker hides his street clothes to go fight bad guys as Spiderman, he can no longer always remember where he put them.

When the Green Goblin starts throws bombs and grenades at him,  50-year-old Spidey’s biggest complaint now is that all that racket is giving him a headache.

“If the Shoe Fits”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/08/nikes-new-lebron-james-shoes-to-cost-315/1#.UDQY1qmPUsc

Nike’s new LeBron James signature shoes, the Lebron X, featuring motion-sensing technology,  will cost $315.

The shoes are named after Lebron because he’s the only one who can afford them.

The US government approves of the price, trying to make the job of commission shoe salesperson a top-earning profession.

The shoe is called the Lebron X.  The X is the Roman Numeral for how many dollars it takes to make the shoes in a Korean sweatshop and then ship them to the US.

“Camp-Pain”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-08-20/obama-campaign-spending-fundraising/57174798/1?csp=hf

President Obama’s re-election campaign is spending money faster than he has so far been able to raise it.  Sources say he’s doing it on purpose, since he’s gotten used to deficit spending.

“Too ‘Legit’ To Quit”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/08/todd-akin-abortion-missouri-senate-race-/1#.UDQZBqmPUsc

Mitt Romney is calling on Rep. Todd Akin to drop out of the Senate race in Missouri, in the wake of his comments that women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape.”  Akin refuses to quit, saying he might step aside only if Romney releases his “legitimate tax returns.”

Akin’s initial mistake was misunderstanding the expression “illegitimate children.”  

"Game of Life"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/08/teen-hospitalized-with-dehydration-after-4-day-xbox-marathon/1#.UCK2mfaPUsc

A 15-yar-old Ohio boy named Tyler collapsed and was taken to the hospital for dehydration after playing Modern Warfare 3 on his X-Box for a marathon, 4-day session.  The boy knew his life was in danger, but thought that if he died, he still had 2 more lives.

The boy did pause game play to take bathroom breaks.  In serious gaming circles, this is known as being a “coward” or “quitter.”

Tyler was very upset in the ambulance, because all the way to the hospital, the driver didn’t shoot anyone else on the road.

At the hospital, Tyler wanted to administer his own IV, because he’s an expert 1^st-person shooter.

He is expected to make a full recovery, but earns no points while he’s down and lost his special weapons.

OLYMPIC ROUND-UP

Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympic athlete in history, with a record-breaking 21 medals.  All the other countries are petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Phelps wear all his medals in the water from now on, just to slow him down.

Gold-medal winning gymnast Gabby Douglas has become a media sensation.  You can’t hear a newscast or talk show these days without comments on Gabby’s flips, twists, and curls – but those were just the jealous people, making fun of her hair.

            “Nothing But Net” or “Birdie Lays an Egg”

A scandal broke this week when female badminton players from China, Japan, and Indonesia were disqualified when they tried to throw their first match in order to be placed against easier opponents.  In high schools, this is known as the “get out of gym class” strategy.

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to badminton since it was revealed that the “birdie” used in play is really called a shuttlecock.

“Chik-Fil-Ain’t “

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/article/jim-henson-company-ends-business-relationship-chick-fil-over-anti-gay-views-48796

The Jim Henson Company has broken all business ties with restaurant chain Chik-Fil-A over the restaurant chain’s president’s statement that the company is against gay marriage.  The Henson Company mainly did so to show support for their own, Bert & Ernie.

Particularly relieved about the break of ties is one member of the Henson family who has always had reservations about being associated with a fast food chicken restaurant – Big Bird.

Chik-Fil-A has not made any public statement saying whether they approve of a marriage between a frog and a pig.

A spokesman for the Henson Company said that when it comes to politics, they won’t let themselves be anyone’s puppet.

Chik-Fil-A isn’t worried about their stance hurting sales of their chicken breast filets, because, they say, gays aren’t interested in breasts anyway.

“American Mimi”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/livefrom/post/2012/07/carey-joins-american-idol-judging-panel/1#.UA2wQ2E192A

Pop-star Mariah Carey has officially signed on to be a judge on the next season of American Idol.  Making the producers’ decision easier, Mariah can make use of all of the flowing, ruffled, and lacey wardrobe pieces left behind by Steven Tyler.

Mariah is going to be the new “mean” judge.  Any of the singers who are bad will be forced to watch her movie, Glitter.

Mariah will be filling the ‘Diva’ role, taking over for Ryan Seacrest.

“Not-So-Concealed Weapon”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-falcon-largest-penis-frisked-by-tsa_n_1675767.html#slide=1228178

A man going through the San Francisco airport was frisked and searched due to the apparent, oversized bulge in his pants, which just turned out to be his unusually large penis.   Because it was San Francisco, suspicion wasn’t all he aroused.

Thousands of locals are demanding that the man be detained indefinitely.

Still, the TSA does have to be on the lookout for biological weapons.

The TSA agent who suspected him really pulled a boner this time.

In the future, the TSA reserves the right to ask him to have his package checked.

Thought the man was suspected of carrying contraband, he wasn’t.  Still, he’s been sentenced to be hung.

To give you an idea of just how big his manhood is, he was seated in Coach, but his penis was in First Class.

After the plane took off, the tower radioed the pilot to bring up the landing gear.  The pilot had to tell them, “Um, that’s not the landing gear.”

“Tyler's Permanent Vacation”

Steven Tyler has announced that he will not return to American Idol as a judge for season 12.  He said that he wants to focus on his main job, playing Flo for Progressive Insurance commercials.

Tyler wasn’t planning on showing up for season 12, mainly because he doesn’t remember having been a judge for seasons 10 and 11.

The truth is, once Tyler figured out he wasn’t going to bang J. Lo, he thought, “What’s the point?”

The media have not heard any further comment from Steven, because the microphone in his cell phone is wrapped in several long, colorful scarves.

“The Big Con”

The annual comic book and entertainment convention Comic-Con kicked off in San Diego Thursday.  The convention visitors dress in their coolest outfit, try to impress other attendees, and spend so much money that by the end, they feel like they know what it’s like to have been on a date.

Excited conventioneers have waited all year for the chance to see excusive footage of upcoming movies, TV shows, video games, and more.  Meanwhile, excited parents have waited all year to have their 30-year old sons out of the house for a weekend.

“Wearing Protection”

The U.S. Army says that they are developing body armor for female soldiers inspired by Xena, Warrior Princess.  Because they’ve figured out that the enemy can’t fight while they have an erection.

The armor will initially be for special operations, but it will then survive forever in syndication.

The women wearing the armor will be facing dangers such as poor plot construction and bad acting.

“Small Apples”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/technologylive/post/2012/07/report-apple-has-mini-ipad-in-the-works-due-this-fall/1

Apple is set to release a new, smaller version of the iPad in October, called the “mini iPad.”  Though, for the last few years, industry insiders have been calling it the iPod Touch.

To compete with Kindle and Google hand-held devices, the smaller iPad is expected to be available at a much lower price-point, starting at around $199.  However, as always, Apple is working hard to drive the price up.

“Lifeguard Save”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/05/12582497-lifeguard-who-was-fired-for-trying-to-rescue-man-is-offered-job-back?lite

A Florida lifeguard who was fired for saving the life of a beach-goer outside his coverage section was offered his job back, but has declined it.  Apparently, they wanted him to promise to let anyone else outside his section die.

Hopefully his career can be revived..

Being reinstated wouldn’t help him climb the corporate ladder, only a short ladder to a high chair.

Since the firing, several other lifeguards quit in protest.  As a result, the beach has a shortage of swimsuit-clad hard-bodies running in slow-motion.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Enjoy a fun and safe 4th of July, everyone.
God Bless America!

“Female Footballer”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/07/us-womens-soccer-player-im-gay/1?csp=hf

U.S Women’s soccer player Megan Rapinoe has come out publicly saying she is gay.  Her discovery of this first came when she realized that she was a woman soccer player.

Soccer was a natural choice for Megan, since she’s never had any desire to touch balls with her hands.

There hasn’t been any backlash from fans.  In fact, male fans now think she’s hotter.

The announcement puts a spotlight not only on her, and on the upcoming London Olympic Games, but this news may even let Americans find out what soccer is.

“The Smell of City Hall”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-07-02/fragance-ban-allergies/55988704/1?csp=hf

In Tuttle, OK and several other cities are starting to enforce a “no fragrance” policy in municipal buildings to spare allergy sufferers the effects of perfumes and colognes.   The policy is providing proof that local politics stink.

It turns out that in most cases, it wasn’t perfumes, but policies that were making people feel sick.

“Thank God for Science”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/story/2012-07-02/god-particle-evidence-cern/55981840/1?csp=hf

Scientists believe they have found what they call the ‘God particle,’ so named for its difficulty to find and prove beyond a doubt.  Until now, the scientists simply accepted the existence of the particle on faith.

It turns out, all they had to do all along was believe, and the particle revealed itself to them.

The scientists immediately began fighting and killing each other over their own interpretation of what the particle wants.

There are some scientists who are still unconvinced.  They are called atheist-scientists.

“Anderson Coup”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay/1#.T_IocBc192A

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has come out, openly saying he is gay.  Cooper has long thought to have been gay, because he hangs out with Kathy Griffin.

Cooper could have revealed his sexuality at any time on CNN, except it isn’t news to anyone.

Anderson says he has always been gay, but he also spent his entire childhood being dressed by Gloria Vanderbilt.

In fact, the only evidence that there has ever been to suggest Cooper might not be gay is the fact that he doesn’t dye his hair.

Most people don’t seem to care that that Cooper is homosexual, only that he’s a journalist.  Although, now that he’s out, there are those who will label him as a “correspondent.”

Now that one of CNN’s biggest names has come out, CNN’s challenge to FOX News is this: Your turn, Bill O’Reilly.

“Marriage: A Risky Business” or Marriage Impossible: Gay Protocol”

http://www.tmz.com/2012/06/29/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-divorce/

According to TMZ, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to divorce after 5 years of marriage.  Or at least, 5 years of pretend marriage.

Tom and Katie supposedly have a prenup, so he will likely keep most of his assets after the divorce is final, and Katie will get to go have sex with a man.

The divorce finally came because after five years, you can’t help but get tired of a partner who just isn’t as much of a man as you want.  And Katie probably has her reasons, too.

As husbands go, Tom came up a bit short.

The marriage has shown signs of strain ever since America saw all the sexual tension in Tom’s interview with Matt Lauer.

Rumor has it that Tom slept with as many women on the set of Rock of Ages as he has on every other movie he’s done: none.

Tom will continue with his movie career, and Katie will go back to Dawson’s Creek.  Not the show; that was cancelled years ago.  She’s actually going to a tiny town called Dawson’s Creek.

Their daughter Suri Cruise is confused by the whole thing, but she does understand even though her 2 mommies love her very much, they won’t be living together in separate bedrooms anymore.

Tom insists that his marriage to Katie and their family life was real.  He says, “If I was going to fabricate the basic structural elements for a group of people to build their lives around, pretending it had depth or meaning, getting them to grow within that structure, the whole time knowing it’s a complete farce, I would have invented Scientology.

“Weight of their Words”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-06-26/obesity-screening/55817686/1

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force is calling on doctors to be the “gateway” for obese patients seeking to lose weight, since medical professionals should know which diets and other methods are safe and effective.  The physicians are willing to act as gateways, the problem is that most of their patients no longer fit through a standard size gate.

One thing that’s hurting patients’ confidence in informed medical opinions:  fat doctors.

“Water Test”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/06/survey-clean-beaches-national-resources-defense-council/789540/1?csp=hf

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

“Airport/Job Security”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2012/06/tsa-newark-screeners-fired/792310/1

The TSA said Wednesday that they fired 8 of their workers at the Newark airport for various violations, including sleeping on the job.  First the TSA agents were feeling up passengers, now they sleeping with them.

The TSA looked at several job performance factors, and while some employees had to be let go, those who were the very worst at their jobs got promoted.

The workers were allowed to pack up their personal effects in a box, as long as there were no liquid containers larger than 3 oz.

Now those workers are about to find out how much harder it is to do a job search than it is to administer a strip search.

Fired workers are hoping to find another job that requires advanced groping skills.

“Trebek’s Heart in Jeopardy!”

http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/jeopardy-host-trebek-suffers-mild-heart-attack-1689500.story

Alex Trebek has suffered a mild heart attack.  EMTs were on the scene quickly, but the money was only awarded to the one with the quickest response.

Now Alex is trying to get answers from his doctors, but the doctors have to phrase them in the form of a question.

While in the hospital, Alex was given a single room, but opted to downgrade to a Daily Double.

On the plus side, Trebek’s doctors tend to be smarter than, say, Wheel of Fortune’s doctors.

When the first paramedic hit his defibrillator, it locked out the others’ defibrillators, so they didn’t have the chance to buzz in.

A normal, human heart has 4 chambers, 2 auricles, and 2 ventricles.  Trebeks has 5 chambers per row, in 6 different categories.

Alex Trebek’s hospital gown was furnished by Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills.

To prevent another heart attack, Alex may have to be more careful with his diet and other lifestyle factors, depending on how much he wants to wager.

Before his cardiologist told Alex the results of his tests, Trebek already knew – but only because he was had the answers on the index cards he was holding.

Trebek’s heart surgeon operated in exchange for promotional consideration.

The medical bills will be for thousands and thousands of dollars.  Luckily for Alex, what  Medicare won’t cover, Ken Jennings will.

If Alex doesn’t take his doctor’s advice, he could be putting himself in double Jeopardy!

When asked what the heart attack was like, Trebek described it as feeling like someone put one of his Emmy awards on his chest.

While in the hospital, Trebek won a Daytime Emmy award as the host of Jeopardy.  To win more votes next year, Pat Sajak is planning a heart attack right before the Daytime Emmys. 

"No Hitter"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2012/06/roger-clemens-verdict/1#.T9-XRhc192C

Roger Clemons was found not guilty in his perjury trial in Washington, D.C., stemming from his testimony given to Congress in 2008 about using steroids.  Of course, in the official court documents, the words “Not guilty” will be followed by an asterisk.

When the verdict was read, spectators saw Clemons hug family members.  Had he been found guilty, they would have seen ‘roid rage.

Prosecutors really expected a conviction, so Clemons acquittal really threw them a curve.

Because Clemons was a pitcher, he was worried about the government’s “3 strikes” rule.

The government has been upset since the original steroids trials, because without a multi-million-dollar contract, Clemons wasn’t willing to play ball.

“Hall of Television”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/06/arsenio-hall-returning-to-late-night-tv/1#.T9-vahc192A

Arsenio Hall will return to TV as the host of a new syndicated late-night talk show next year.  Though he’s been away from the format since 1994, Arsenio said, “I beat Johnny Carson before; I can do it again.”

 In geometric terms, this is the chance for the Triangle Head to come full circle.

The show is set to air in the fall of 2014, unless, by then, it’s been stolen by Jay Leno.

Arsenio is excited to come back to TV, but he’s really excited about doing it without Donald Trump.

Since Arsenio won this season's Celebrity Apprentice, he figures that now, he ought to become a celebrity again.

“Forest Chump”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/german-forest-boy-mystery-solved-dutch-youth-made-it-up/1#.T9tvWxc192A

After almost a year, the young man who had become famous as Germany’s “Forest Boy,” claiming to have lived in a tent in the woods for 5 years, has admitted that he made the whole thing up.  Police had been unable to see the forest through the trees.

The 20-year-old from the Netherlands will now be known as “The Lying Dutchman.”

Berlin Police had been suspicious of the young man’s story, but they had no ways of making him talk.

Dutch authorities are now wondering what happened to his sister, who was last seen in the forest on her way to a house made of gingerbread.

“Saint or Ain’t?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47822985/ns/technology_and_science-science/

Researchers say that bones that were found in a sarcophagus in an ancient church in Bulgaria may belong to St. John the Baptist.  The ID may be premature.  Their conclusion is based solely on the fact that the bones were found with a squirt gun.

The evidence the researchers  have are 6 bone fragments from an 1^st Century Middle Eastern male, and a drivers license that says John the Baptist.

The human bone fragments were side by side with 3 animal bones.  Some religious groups are hoping the animals  turn out to be 2,000 year-old dinosaurs. 

“Heart Vader”

http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Darth-Vader-Kid-Undergoes-Successful-Heart-Surgery-159139125.html

Max Page, the 7-year-old boy who, in 2011, played little Darth Vader in a hit Superbowl commercial for Volkswagon is recovering following successful surgery to replace a heart valve Thursday.   Fortunately, he hasn’t turned to the Dark Side.

The new heart valve is by Volkswagon.

The Sith would love to really get their hands on little Max, but they won’t be able to turn the Page.

His doctors are recommending that in order to heal, he needs to get lots of rest, take his meds, and use the Force.

Some were worried Max might not pull through.  Max answered them with, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Fortunately, young Vader has the best doctors on Tattooine.

George Lucas plans to go back and digitally alter Max’s heart so it never had a defect, as he originally intended.

In a somewhat related story, former child actor Jake Lloyd spent the week in good health, on a rented couch in his underwear.

“Deportment of Homeland Security”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/15/12240894-skepticism-joy-among-illegal-immigrants-over-obama-decision?lite

On Friday, President Obama announced that the government will no longer seek to deport illegal aliens under 30 if they came to the U.S. as children.  Proving to birthers that he was born in Kenya.

Obama’s move will halt undocumented immigrants from facing deportation, and will allow them work permits under certain conditions.  Condition 1: they have to vote for him.

This is Obama’s second major win in solving the illegal immigration problem.  The first was curbing the desire to sneak into America, since there are no jobs.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney’s idea of solving the problem of illegal immigration is to outsource all jobs to Mexico.

“R.I.P. – An End to ‘The Feud’”

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/richard-dawson-dies-family-feud-hogans-heroes-obituary-332426

Richard Dawson, longtime host of Family Feud, has died at the age of 79.  He’d had brushes with death before, but this was his third strike.

Richard now moves on to the afterlife.  Or as he would call it, the Big Money Round.

As he now ascends and is greeted by angels, he will kiss each and every one on the lips.

We surveyed 100 people, asking “Where is Richard Dawson now?”  “Heaven” was the number-1 answer.

“Presidential Post”

http://www.buzzfeed.com/zekejmiller/president-barack-obama-writes-fifth-grader-an-awes

President Barack Obama wrote a note for a 5^th grade student to excuse him for missing class after the boy’s father introduced the president for a speech in Minnesota.  According to the Republicans, the president is used to making excuses.

The note from Obama sais that it wasn’t young Tyler’s fault that he was absent from class.  The fault rested with the previous administration.

Since the problem was missing class, the richest Americans are trying to simplify matters by eliminating the middle class.

“Good Sho”

 http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/06/child-prodigy-sho-yano-earns-medical-doctorate-at-age-21/1?csp=obnetwork#.T84wWLA192A

Sho Yano, a child prodigy who began college at age 9 and already has PhD’s in both molecular genetics and cell biology, is about to graduate from medical school at the University of Chicago.  He has also earned a minor in showing off.

Once he has his medical degree, he’ll change his name to Doogie Yano.

"Lantern Pride" or "Green Light in the Loafers"

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=732896

In DC Comics reboot of its comic book universe, it has made the Green Lantern of Earth 2 gay.  Or their just assuming he is based on the costume.

Apparently, the Green Lantern Corps, who defend the universe, just got rid of their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

DC isn’t sure how many people will buy the new comic, but many of his fans are at least buy-curious.

The source of the hero’s power is his lantern’s magic flame.  That power remains his as long as the flaming lasts.

Green Lantern won’t rest until he captures Sinestro, the guy in the skintight bodysuit, who has an oversized, pink head.

Gay advocacy groups are worried about stereotyping.  Why does the gay superhero have to be the one wearing jewelry?

The Green Lantern doesn't just want to be friends with the other Justice League members, he want to be Super Friends.

As an openly gay hero, Green Lantern is trying to encourage Batman and Robin to come out of the cave.

The gay Green Lantern is already embracing the wilder side of the lifestyle.  For instance, he no longer sports his power ring on his hand.

"Spell Check”

http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/30/tech/mobile/amercia-romney-iphone-app/index.html

Mitt Romney’s iPad app had an embarrassing misspelling, promising a “A better Amercia,” reversing the c and i.  Dick Cheney is sticking up for his fellow Republican, noting than when he was in power, he was l slowly turning all of America into the CIA.

Romney tried to diffuse the mistake by saying that, if elected, he’ll place more emphasis on educashuns.

Mitt thinks that statistics will help his case.  His new website says he’s even running for President of the United Stats of America.

Critics are asking why Romney didn’t have someone proofread the text, but as Republicans have said since Gitmo and the Patriot Act, you don’t need proof.

Meanwhile, Romney’s poll numbers have sharply increased in the small island nation of Amercia.

It was surprising that Mitt didn’t have auto-correct, especially since he claims to have saved the entire auto industry.

Romney admits that he misspelled America, but he won’t admit that he is misreading it.

The corrected app now promising that Mitt will build a better United Stakes.