Tuesday, September 27, 2011

“Beetle in the Bush”

An Asian beetle called the bean plataspid may be helping farmers in the U.S. by eating harmful kudzu, a vine that damages crops and trees, but no one is quite sure how the insects got into the U.S.  In fact, they only know the bugs are Asian because of their high math scores.

“Taxi Down the Runway” or “Cash Cab”

NASA released a statement saying that they would fund the building and testing of taxi vehicles developed by up to 4 private companies for space travel.  The budget shared between the four is almost $270 million, but the taxi drivers will still only carry $5 change.

“Carnival Tragedy”

Witnesses say they saw a man jump overboard from the top deck of a Carnival Cruise Ship.  All that is known about the man is that he spent the 3 previous hours in a lounge listening to karaoke.  As a result, his death is being ruled “natural causes.”

Some guests were shocked at the news, but most were relieved at the idea of one less person in front of them at the buffet line.

“Right to Vote, Privilege to Drive”

Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah has issued a decree that will allow women to vote starting in 2015, but they still cannot drive.  This is what happens when the queen wants to use the car.

“Fur Trade”

West Hollywood’s City Council unanimously voted to ban the sale of fur last week.  But as is always the case in West Hollywood, stubble is welcome.

This is good news for animal rights activists, but bad news for the fur trade, fashion industry, and foxes and rabbits desperate to make a buck.

Futures on furs were immediately trimmed.

“A Tenser Spencer”

Us Weekly reports that Spencer Pratt is broke and can’t get a job.  Finally, some good unemployment news.

Pratt says he can’t find work.  Of course, his idea of a looking for work is holding up a cardboard sign on the side of a red carpet.

Pratt is finally learning that there is no pay or benefits from just being a professional a**hole.

Friday, September 23, 2011

“Chinese Idol X'ed"

Chinese censors have cancelled the country's version of "American Idol".  The government there doesn't want to air anything that encourages voting or pursuing your dreams.

“Idol” would have been a bit different in China, anyway.  Instead of poor singers being critiqued by celebrity judges, after their performance they are declared enemies of the state and put in prison for 7 to 10 years.

The Chinese version would have been closer to “North Korean Idol,” which is judged every year and won by Kim Jong Il.

“Payroll Drop” or “Late Employees”

A government report discovered that over $600 million has been paid out in the name of disabled federal workers and retirees after those employees had died.  Because they worked for the federal government, there was no way to tell the living ones from the dead.

So dead employees continue to get paid, but they don’t continue to receive health benefits.

The government actually prefers dead employees, because they don’t request time off.

When federal employees or pension recipients die, the usual practice is that their pay benefits only last until a new administration is voted in.

The government was finally forced to stop payment to employees who had passed on, but only because the afterlife is considered overtime.

"Travolta's Hot Car"

John Travolta had a vintage car stolen in Santa Monica on Sunday.  Describing the car for police, Travolta said, “This car is automatic.  It's systematic.  It's hy...dromatic.  Why, it's Greased Lightning!”

The missing car was last seen mysteriously taking off and flying into the air over a high school carnival, with Olivia Newton-John in the passenger seat.

The car was recovered at a drag race at Thunder Road.

Travolta estimated the car to be worth more than the rest of the Sweat-hogs have made in their entire careers, combined.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“Stripped of Life”

Two men were arrested in Denver for driving around with their dead friend and using his ATM card to pay for a visit to a strip club.  Needless to say, what was supposed to be a harmless evening of fun began to decay quickly.

Six of the strippers were selected to attend the funeral as the pole-bearers.

The next day, the corpse was still the least disgusting thing found on a couch in the VIP room.

"Many, Many See ‘Men’”

The season premiere of Two and a Half Men, with Ashton Kutcher joining the cast, drew 28 million viewers, which is far more than any other season.  Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen was at a public park, being watched by a handful of random passers-by and his ex-wife’s private investigator.

Monday’s viewership was a record high.  While Men has been TV’s top-rated comedy for years, it was previously always Charlie who was on a record high.

“White House De-Fence"

A man who jumped the fence and was running towards the western entrance of The White House Tuesday afternoon was stopped and apprehended by uniformed secret service officers.   The man appeared to pose no threat; he was just a Tea Partier who thought this is how you run for president.

Once the man was identified, agents told him, “If you want to see the president, just make an appointment like everyone else, Vice President Biden.”

Friday, September 16, 2011

“Snakes Almost on a Plane”

A man trying to smuggle snakes in his underwear at the Ft. Lauderdale airport last month pleaded guilty to smuggling charges Wednesday.  Among the snakes were 3 ball pythons, which is why the man hid them near his balls.

The man was also carrying 3 carpet pythons.  The TSA searched the man’s underwear and found the carpets didn’t match the drapes.

TSA agents recovered 3 baby ball pythons from the man’s underwear, along with 3 carpet pythons, 1 children’s python, and a small, pink, hairy snake they couldn’t identify.

“The Tooth Hurts”

A Florida man was cited for breaching the peace after trying to use pliers to pull out a tooth while he was drunk.  Although, the real story here is that a man in Florida HAS a tooth.

There was nothing wrong with the tooth; the man just wanted to look like all his Florida neighbors.

The man is hoping to get an endorsement deal with The Gap.

“Postal Morten”

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing a shutdown of more than half its processing centers, which would add a day to the time it takes for most mail to be delivered.  So now, getting mail will take forever and a day.

The Postal Service is now losing almost as much money as letters. 

“The President’s Cold Reception”

Speaking in terms of his confidence about being re-elected, President Obama said Thursday that he hopes that his next inauguration is warmer than the first.  The statement caused confusion and outrage among Republicans, because they don’t believe in global warming.

“The Light Bulb Is Out”

Hasbro announced that the new Easy-Bake Oven does not require the use of a light bulb.  However, so that kids today don't miss out on the experience of the classic, the new model comes with a separate burning-hot filament and some broken glass.

“Family Day”

Family Guy is celebrating its tenth anniversary.  Which they thought of after seeing The Simpson's tenth anniversary.

For the anniversary, Peter and Lois Griffin won’t do anything; they’ll just sit around and imagine unrelated references.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

“Very Old Fashioned”

A woman in Britain says that because she has never had sex, she’s lived for 105 years.  If you call that living.

Originally, she was waiting for Mr. Right.  Now she’s waiting for the Grim Reaper.

She says she owes her longevity to having remained a virgin.  Oh, she’ll let you touch her boobs, though, if you’re willing to reach up her dress just past her ankles.

She’s been retired for decades, but still has plenty of money, thanks to the diamonds that formed from the coal she put in her vagina.


As part of an interview with Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi on his talk show Tuesday, Anderson Cooper got his first-ever spray tan.  As a result, he'll know be known as 'Pamela Anderson Cooper.'

“Short Life”

The body of a dwarf porn star was found partially eaten at the bottom of an underground badger's den.  Those who knew him thought it was more likely he'd be done in by the beaver.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

“Scar-Jo Cell-Hack Nude-Pics”

The FBI has opened an investigation over charges that a hacker stole nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson from her cell phone.  The case was opened under the code name, “Operation: Luckiest Agent, Ever.”

“Rocket Science”

NASA has unveiled its new Space Launch System, featuring what was dubbed a “monster rocket,” which looks more like the Apollo missions rockets, only much bigger and eventually capable of carrying a payload of as much as 165 tons.  This means that if Newt Gingrich can’t get the Republican presidential nomination, he could still become an astronaut.

“Turner Events” or “The Next Weiner Steps In”

In a special election in New York City, Republican Bob Turner has won the House of Representatives seat vacated by Anthony Weiner following his scandal earlier this year.  Turner is the first GOP Congressman for that district in almost a century, although both houses of Congress are still filled with wieners.

Though Anthony is gone from office, most citizens feel that the government is just playing “hide the wiener” with them at any given time.

“A New World”

Astronomers believe they have found a 2nd planet outside our solar system that could support life, but it has what they describe as a very uncomfortable atmosphere.  Apparently, everyone on that planet lives with their in-laws.

“Kids Line”

The Transportation Security Administration will no longer require children 12 and younger to remove their shoes before they go through airport scanners.  unfortunately, this policy change only encourages terrorists to take forever to take off their shoes, put them back on, hold up the whole line, and then cry, embarrassing their parents.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

“Facebook, Shmacebook”

An Israeli web designer has recently launched FaceGlat, an Orthodox Jewish version of Facebook.  You can friend anyone you want, but your best friend is your mother.

Friends can post on your Western Wall.

You never have to update your status.  God already knows.

A Palestinian group is now claiming the site to be "My Space."

“Universal Appeal”

The winner of last night’s Miss Universe pageant was Leila Lopes from Angola.  Her victory came as a surprise, mainly because no one ever heard of the country of Angola before.

So Miss Angola was declared the winner, but the real winners are all the contestants who get to go home and have no further contact with Donald Trump.

Miss Lopes now goes on to compete against the winners from all the other universes.

"Tax Tricks"

The German city of Bonn has installed a meter to tax prostitutes for soliciting on its streets.  The money is then collected by the Head Meter Maid.

The fact is, prostitutes can make a lot of money.  So the government decided they wanted to get a piece of that.
At least they are pumping money into the economy.

And watch out, girls.  If you don’t pay the meter, they will ticket your ass.

It’s a porking ticket.

For working girls who don’t pay, the fines aren’t the only thing that can get pretty stiff.

The tax is a flat rate of $8.70 per night, making the city of Bonn the world’s cheapest pimp.

Monday, September 12, 2011

“Palin Too Late for Party?”

Republican party advisor Fred Malek told ABC News he thinks it may be “too late” for Sarah Palin to run for president.  Though many who know how much experience she’s had in office say it’s actually years too soon.

“Spongebob (no) Smartypants”

A new study suggests that watching Spongebob Squarepants cartoons could cause short-term memory and learning attention problems in young children.  Meanwhile, kids watching Bugs Bunny cartoons were more likely to outsmart bald hunters who were chasing them.

Spongebob's cartoon pal Patrick Star participated in the study, and after watching the cartoons there was absolutely no noticeable change in his measurable mental skills.

“Cuff, Link”

Appearing at the premiere of partner Brad Pitt’s new movie Moneyball in Toronto, Angelina Jolie carried a Louis Vuitton clutch purse that was handcuffed to her wrist Friday night.  The star doesn’t need to carry much cash, but she likes to keep a small piece of Jennifer Aniston’s heart with her at all times.

Angelina likes the handcuff accessory, because she can instantly put it on a child she wants to adopt if they won’t come willingly.

Friday, September 9, 2011

“Mel Gibson’s Next Religious Story”

Mel Gibson is set to make a movie about Judah Macabee, the hero of the Jewish holiday Chanukah.  Macabee led a revolt against the oppressive rule of the Syrian-Greeks in pre-Roman Judea.  Mel was attracted to the material because it features a Jew starting a war.

Mel wants the film to be completely historically accurate, except that instead of the Greek Army, Judah Macabee will beat Oksana Grigorieva.

With all Jewish characters, Gibson will make a film that critics and audiences might love, but he will still hate.

Mel says the action in this movie is going to knock your teeth out – and you deserve it.

It’s been said that Gibson sees Macabee as a Jewish version of William Wallace.  The title of the movie will be Brave Schnoz

“Waiting for Gadhafi”

Interpol has issued a most-wanted alert to pursue the arrest of Moammar Ghadhafi for crimes against humanity.  Gadhafi hasn’t been caught yet, but Kim Jong Il is really jealous of all the attention Gadhafi is getting.

Proving how crazy Gadhafi is, the most-wanted alert’s physical description of him is: considered armed and dangerous; a man in his 60’s with the dyed-black, frizzy hair of a woman in her 50’s, wearing a set of curtains, a floral pattern beret, and a porno mustache.

“Drinking Moosehead”

In Sweden, a moose who had been eating fermented apples that had fallen from a tree got stuck in the tree due to the apples intoxicating effects.  Police helped to free the animal, but now that moose can’t ever run for public office. 
Except in Texas or Florida.

Because of his antlers, the next day both sides of his head felt a full hang-over effect.

The moose explained to the police that he was on his way to the Elks’ Club.

The drunk moose was then cared for by some deer friends.

The moose had forgotten the old adage, “fermented apples before liquor, never sicker.”

The moose claimed to have been egged on by his friend, a flying squirrel with a high-pitched voice.

The moose was initially thought to be drunk after a night of partying at Whatsamatta U.

The next day, the moose woke up remembering nothing, but he was in Las Vegas with Mike Tyson’s stolen tiger.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

“Heart-shaped Diamond”

Singer Neil Diamond announced that he has become engaged to his manager Katie McNeil.  He proposed, she said yes, and then things got a little awkward when Diamond literally put himself on her finger.

Instead of taking his name and becoming Katie Diamond, he will become Neil McNeil.

The bride will wear white, but Neil will be forever in blue jeans.

He decided now was the time to propose just because it was a September morn. 

“General Patent”

The Senate has passed a bill to overhaul the U.S. patent system.  They basically reinvented the whole system, but then had their invention idea stolen.

Streamlining the process of patenting inventions is good news for both varieties of modern inventors: criminal masterminds and mad scientists.

The biggest change will be to lower that famously  difficult invention ratio of 1% inspiration to 99% perspiration.

“Reese’d Lightning”

Crossing a street while jogging in Santa Monica, CA, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car driven by an 84-year-old woman.  Reese received only minor injuries, but also mainly positive critical reviews.

The woman who hit her explained that she hated the movie Water for Elephants.

It was Reese's only hit this year.

Apparently, Reese was still on the sidewalk, but her chin was already in the middle of the street.
Paramedics treated her at the scene, but she’s going to need a really skilled doctor to help her with that under-bite.

“Gaga for New Year's’”

ABC announced that Lady Gaga will perform on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2012.  The only problem is that at midnight Dick Clark may not be able to tell the difference between Gaga and the light-up ball.

There was some confusion over Dick Clark’s personal request for the singer, but it turns out that “gaga” is the only word Dick can say.

Five-foot-one Gaga will be asked not to wear heels so she’ll only be a foot taller than Ryan Seacrest. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

“Shark Week”

The California legislature is seeking to ban the selling, buying, and possession of shark fins.  Except through licensed, medical shark fin dispensaries.

If shark fins become illegal, police will be arresting anyone caught driving a 1959 Cadillac.

The idea is to get people to stop hunting and killing sharks for food, but no new legislation is trying to keep sharks from killing people for food.

“Urban Smell”

Country singing star Keith Urban has a new cologne for men, which is being marketed as being for “regular guys.”  It’s called “Beer.”

It’s designed to attract women who love the fragrance of pure sweat.

“Murphy’s Law”

The Academy Awards has confirmed that Eddie Murphy has been asked host the 2012 Oscars.  It’s the only way that Murphy’s presence at the awards could have a context to make any sense.

If Murphy does host, he won’t be alone.  He’ll be joined by co-hosts Eddie in a fat suit, Eddie as an old man, Eddie as a fat lady, and Eddie as a fat, old lady.

If Eddie hosts, his date will be determined at the last minute, but he has confirmed that it will be transvestite hooker he’ll have just met.

The Oscars have a history of running too long and being boring, prompting next year’s show to already be dubbed, Yet Another 48 Hours.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


After a month-long hiatus, we are back watching the world, scanning the news, monitoring every detail, and of course, spying on the neighbors.

Stay tuned for the newest, latest, up-to-datest jokes covering everything that is happening on the funniest planet in our solar system (at least since Pluto was disqualified).

Remember to check back frequently to read and rate the very latest jokes.  

(That's 'latest' with a 't.'  Not lamest, no.)

Thank you for your continued support. 

“Snakeskin Pants”

In Arizona, a man tried to steal valuable baby albino boa constrictors from a pet store by stuffing them down his pants.  The suspect became nervous when a witness pointed at his crotch and said, “he’s got a baby one.”

The snakes had planned to free themselves by squeezing the man’s testicles.

Police may have been overzealous when recovering the stolen reptiles.  The suspect only hid 3 white snakes in his pants, but police reached in and pulled out a fourth with one eye.

Had the man not been wearing underwear, things could have gotten really hairy for the snakes.

Members of the ‘80’s band Whitesnake were not harmed. 

Or even remembered.

“Weather Vein”

In a video that has gone viral, from a live report during Hurricane Irene on The Weather Channel, a passerby in the background dropped his shorts and streaked across the screen.  It’s what’s known among meteorologists as a ‘flash’ flood.

The man seemed proud of his actions, but couldn’t explain what precipitated them.

While many images during the hurricane highlighted the damage, this one highlighted the effect of shrinkage.

When they cut to the weather map, the man was still pointing north.

The event still wasn’t as obscene as the headline, “Irene Blows the Entire East Coast.”

Because it went out live across the country on The Weather Channel, the live broadcast was seen by… several people.  

“Bare Facts”

The city of San Francisco is trying to pass a local law preventing nudists from using public seating, or to require them to cover their seat with a towel if they are in a restaurant.  Forget shirts.  Apparently the new rule is, “No towel, no shoes, no service.”

Because the nudists, known as “the naked guys,” are part of the community, officials are generally tolerant, and politicians bend over backwards for them, which is better than the other way around.

Though some residents are tired of the naked guys and politicians looking the other way, they recognize that it’s smart for everyone to look the other way.

Citizens who object to the lax attitude of police suspect an un-cover-up.

In restaurants, the nudists’ favorite order is a weiner with nothing on it.