South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford, a Republican, announced this week that he may turn down part of the stimulus money headed to his state on principle. South Carolina citizens are right behind their governor to say, “Hey, if he doesn’t want the money, we’ll take it!”
Sanford says the money isn’t the issue, and he may be right, especially since all the publicity he is getting is free.
Friday, March 13, 2009
“Hogan’s Smear-o’s”
Hulk Hogan got into a verbal altercation with his wife’s divorce lawyer outside a Florida court yesterday. When Hogan tried to interject a comment to TV cameras, the lawyer said of Hogan, “You’re an actor. You’re acting now,” marking the first time anyone ever considered Hogan an actor.
The lawyer tried to provoke Hogan, asking Hulk if he was going to wrestle him. Not that there could be a fair match-up between the Hulkster and a divorce attorney. One man pounds, chokes, and squeezes other men for a living, and the other is Hulk Hogan.
The lawyer even did all of this after asking Hulk Hogan for an autograph for his son last week. The lawyer had him personalize it, too, asking Hulk to write, “To the highest eBay bidder.”
The lawyer tried to provoke Hogan, asking Hulk if he was going to wrestle him. Not that there could be a fair match-up between the Hulkster and a divorce attorney. One man pounds, chokes, and squeezes other men for a living, and the other is Hulk Hogan.
The lawyer even did all of this after asking Hulk Hogan for an autograph for his son last week. The lawyer had him personalize it, too, asking Hulk to write, “To the highest eBay bidder.”
“Agri-Vation” or “Don’t have a Cow”
Agriculture officials called Texas’ drought a billion-dollar disaster today, in reference to losses to cattle raisers. It’s only going to get worse now, as they are going to be sued by Detroit automakers claiming that “Billion-dollar Disaster” is their new slogan.
The lack of crops means less feed for cattle, which translated to lower sale weights for beef cattle. Yet somehow, American people keep getting fatter.
Simply put, there is less meat from each cow sold. On the plus side, in this economy, who can afford steak anyway?
The lack of crops means less feed for cattle, which translated to lower sale weights for beef cattle. Yet somehow, American people keep getting fatter.
Simply put, there is less meat from each cow sold. On the plus side, in this economy, who can afford steak anyway?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
“Life Intimidates Art”
An animated family movie called Monsters Vs. Aliens is set to open later this month. In it, a group of monsters have to save the world from aliens, so it’s already prompting protests of discrimination from illegal aliens.
“Identified Flying Objects”
The International Space Station crew had to evacuate into the Russian space capsule Soyuz today over fears of collision with a piece of debris from a 1993 U.S rocket launched,moving towards them at 22,000 miles per hour. In a related story, today, NASA was ticketed for littering.
The piece of debris was only 5 inches long, but at orbiting speed, that enough to penetrate the station’s shielding. This means that in the future, instead of laser weapons, all our space adventurers are going to need are beer cans.
Coors Light: the “Silver Bullet,” indeed.
Star Trek could be re-written. Instead of the Klingons firing disruptor rays at the Enterprise, they could terrorize them by throwing shoes like an Iraqi journalist.
The piece of debris was only 5 inches long, but at orbiting speed, that enough to penetrate the station’s shielding. This means that in the future, instead of laser weapons, all our space adventurers are going to need are beer cans.
Coors Light: the “Silver Bullet,” indeed.
Star Trek could be re-written. Instead of the Klingons firing disruptor rays at the Enterprise, they could terrorize them by throwing shoes like an Iraqi journalist.
“What You Talking About? Willis.”
The tallest building in America at 110 stories, the Sears Tower in Chicago is about to be renamed. In keeping with the times, the skyscraper will have a new sign in front. One that says, “Foreclosed.”
The real new name will be “Willis Tower,” named for Willis Group Holdings, a London-based insurance broker now leasing. Not yet a well recognized international brand, they decided to use the Willis name after rejecting suggestions such as “Insurance Broker Zone” and “The Chicago Party Station.”
The real new name will be “Willis Tower,” named for Willis Group Holdings, a London-based insurance broker now leasing. Not yet a well recognized international brand, they decided to use the Willis name after rejecting suggestions such as “Insurance Broker Zone” and “The Chicago Party Station.”
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Chasing Amy"
Singer Amy Winehouse had to cancel her planned appearance at the Coachella music festival in April, since she has to appear in court that day for allegedly hitting a fan at a London party. Amy won’t appear in court either, as she already plans to be on a bender and spend that day lying on the floor of a hotel lobby in a puddle of her own filth.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Before becoming a tabloid staple for her court cases and marital problems, Amy used to be an award-winning sloppy mess.
Amy is starting to strongly discourage teens from abusing drugs and alcohol, but she hasn’t been doing so intentionally.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lightin' Up... or Down
A new report form the American Psychosomatic Society says that people exposed to secondhand smoke may be twice as likely to suffer from depression. Like coughing and choking was supposed to cheer them up?
This same report implies that people consider exposure to carcinogens to be a bummer. I’m guessing the report is not based on an isolated study, but is more likely data collected from what we call “common sense.”
Another new study revealed that secondhand tobacco smoke could also increase the risk of memory problems and dementia in people over 50. For people under 50, if they want to lose some memories and get a little demented, they should stick with smoking pot.
This same report implies that people consider exposure to carcinogens to be a bummer. I’m guessing the report is not based on an isolated study, but is more likely data collected from what we call “common sense.”
Another new study revealed that secondhand tobacco smoke could also increase the risk of memory problems and dementia in people over 50. For people under 50, if they want to lose some memories and get a little demented, they should stick with smoking pot.
Domestics Disturbed
Reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna were back together after she was allegedly assaulted by him February 8th have resulted in a house-wife backlash against her for “putting up with” violence in the relationship. Sure, everyone wants to bash Rihanna, now that Chris made it trendy.
It may be unfair to judge, and fans may feel better after hearing a spokeman for Rihanna say of her that she is “a strong, courageous woman… who’s just biding her time for revenge.”
It may be unfair to judge, and fans may feel better after hearing a spokeman for Rihanna say of her that she is “a strong, courageous woman… who’s just biding her time for revenge.”
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
“Formulaic Story”
Today is square root day, meaning the month times date equals the year, 3/3/09. This is an event that occurs just 9 times a century and was celebrated by math fans everywhere, as soon as they freed themselves from the lockers they’d been stuffed in by jocks.
If you don’t know what a square is, it’s the nerd who that thought up this holiday.
If you don’t know what a square is, it’s the nerd who that thought up this holiday.
“I Write the Graffiti That Makes the Whole World Sing”
In New Zealand, a large outdoor shopping mall plans to pipe in Barry Manilow music to try to combat problems with teen littering, spray-painting, and other acts of vandalism. It might work, but on the other hand, hasn’t there already been enough pain and suffering?
Obviously, the juvenile delinquents vandalizing the mall must be dealt with. But does everyone else have to suffer?
The plan could really change the atmosphere of the entire mall. If young people become Manilow fans by hearing his music, this mall could become the hottest spot north of Havana.
I think Barry should be appreciated in New Zealand, the beautiful land now synonymous with Middle Earth. In fact, no one reminds me of a Hobbit more than Barry Manilow.
Obviously, the juvenile delinquents vandalizing the mall must be dealt with. But does everyone else have to suffer?
The plan could really change the atmosphere of the entire mall. If young people become Manilow fans by hearing his music, this mall could become the hottest spot north of Havana.
I think Barry should be appreciated in New Zealand, the beautiful land now synonymous with Middle Earth. In fact, no one reminds me of a Hobbit more than Barry Manilow.
‘Thin at the Mint” or “Short on the Bread”
In the Seattle area, a local troop of girls was paid with 5 counterfeit $20 bills for Girl Scout Cookies. Some stories just make you shake your head. I mean, imagine the nerve of these girls to charge so much for cookies.
Three suspects have been caught and are being charged for passing counterfeit money. The thieves’ lawyers argue that in this economy, real U.S. currency is virtually worthless, anyway.
On the upside, these Girl Scouts have earned their Crime Victim badge.
Three suspects have been caught and are being charged for passing counterfeit money. The thieves’ lawyers argue that in this economy, real U.S. currency is virtually worthless, anyway.
On the upside, these Girl Scouts have earned their Crime Victim badge.
Monday, March 2, 2009
“Planted Information and Its Roots”
A new study says that children were twice as likely to eat vegetables with cooler names. Four-year-olds ate twice as many carrots presented as "X-Ray Vision Carrots," and peas referred to as "Power Peas." Now that the study has been released, however, those foods will have to compete with "Captain Candy" and "Super Soda."
Scientists say the name changes raise a child’s enthusiasm and expectations for the food. This study was just presented to Washington, D.C.’s School Nutrition Association, but matches previous research by Marvel Moms and Dyno-Dads around the country.
Still a failure: Leprous Lima Beans.
The Department of Education is excited about this approach, figuring if American public schools can push vitamins A, B, C, and D, maybe they can actually teach those letters, too.
School lunch programs expect to see great benefits from this strategy, until, of course, kids sue and put them out of business for deceptive advertising and breach of promise.
Scientists say the name changes raise a child’s enthusiasm and expectations for the food. This study was just presented to Washington, D.C.’s School Nutrition Association, but matches previous research by Marvel Moms and Dyno-Dads around the country.
Still a failure: Leprous Lima Beans.
The Department of Education is excited about this approach, figuring if American public schools can push vitamins A, B, C, and D, maybe they can actually teach those letters, too.
School lunch programs expect to see great benefits from this strategy, until, of course, kids sue and put them out of business for deceptive advertising and breach of promise.
“Cat’s High” or “Just Say Meow To Drugs”
An Omaha man was arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty when he put his cat in a box-like homemade bong. The cat did not appear to be harmed, and has since been spending time writing music, laughing at nothing, and snacking on mice like there’s no tomorrow.
There is also a fear that the cat could move on to harder drugs. In fact, he has already been spotted on the streets, trying to buy catnip.
The Humane Society noted that the cat bit on a ball of yarn for hours, later diagnosing it with a bad case of cottonmouth.
AP Photos showed the bong itself to be a foot-long, duct-taped plastic box with a piece of garden hose attached. The public at large has been outraged, saying, “That’s the worst bong I’ve ever seen! Is there no head-shop in Nebraska? Don’t you at least have the Internet?”
There is also a fear that the cat could move on to harder drugs. In fact, he has already been spotted on the streets, trying to buy catnip.
The Humane Society noted that the cat bit on a ball of yarn for hours, later diagnosing it with a bad case of cottonmouth.
AP Photos showed the bong itself to be a foot-long, duct-taped plastic box with a piece of garden hose attached. The public at large has been outraged, saying, “That’s the worst bong I’ve ever seen! Is there no head-shop in Nebraska? Don’t you at least have the Internet?”
Friday, February 27, 2009
“Airline’s Number One Plan”
Ireland’s Ryanair, the largest budget airline in Europe, is considering installing pay toilets on their airplanes. Great. Because passengers really want to make sure they are carrying more change before they go through airport metal detectors.
It’s even worse in First Class. You’ll still have to deposit a coin to get into the restroom, but then, once inside, it’s expected that you tip the attendant.
What they think they are going to make in toilet fees, though, they are going to lose in drink sales. Either that, or they are just going to have to start also charging for empty cups.
Also, anyone who uses an airplane restroom to join the ‘mile high club’ will technically have to admit to having paid to do so.
It’s even worse in First Class. You’ll still have to deposit a coin to get into the restroom, but then, once inside, it’s expected that you tip the attendant.
What they think they are going to make in toilet fees, though, they are going to lose in drink sales. Either that, or they are just going to have to start also charging for empty cups.
Also, anyone who uses an airplane restroom to join the ‘mile high club’ will technically have to admit to having paid to do so.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"Fish out of Water"
An illegal pet snakefish named Rocky has won a temporary stay of execution from New York state officials. Snakeheads pose a danger to any other fish they share water with, and have been banned since 2004. Though the state delayed plans to kill the fish, they are keeping him at bay with tarter sauce and a lemon wedge.
Snakehaeds will eat all other fish in a pond or lake, including their own young. They can even survive out of water for three days. Since he was originally purchased legally in 1999, Rocky may have his sentence reduced to being flushed down the toilet.
In the meantime, Rocky is just swimming in his solitary tank, working out, getting tattoos, and waiting to see if he gets a call from the governor.
Snakehaeds will eat all other fish in a pond or lake, including their own young. They can even survive out of water for three days. Since he was originally purchased legally in 1999, Rocky may have his sentence reduced to being flushed down the toilet.
In the meantime, Rocky is just swimming in his solitary tank, working out, getting tattoos, and waiting to see if he gets a call from the governor.
"Big Wheel"
After 26 years on television, Wheel of Fortune is celebrating its 5,000th episode this week. It has been on a long time. To get around the puzzle board, Vanna White now needs a scooter.
Some of the contestants from the first season’s Kids Week are now coming back for the Senior Citizen Challenge.
5,000 shows, and I still giggle when a contestant spins and then says, “I’ll take a P, Pat.”
They’ve been on for so many years, R, S, T, L, N, & E want to retire.
Over the years, they have had 15,000 contestants. That’s a lot of people for Jeopardy! fans to look down on.
Wheel of Fortune really has been on a long time. In fact, here’s a little of its history:
-Before the Premiere: The Used Letter Board was briefly called the New Letter Board.
-Season 1: Before episode number one, they had to invent the wheel first.
-Season 2: Pat Sajak’s suits were by Botany 1.
-Season 3: The show became more challenging with new puzzle categories and the invention of the alphabet.
-Season 4: Before each round, the producers had to carve the letters into rocks.
-Season 5: The prizes were livestock.
-Season 6: Instead of letters, the contestants had to guess hieroglyphs.
-Season 7: The top monetary value on the wheel was a handful of beads.
-Season 8: Pat Sajak’s cue card lines were painted on a cave wall.
-Season 9: If Vanna was wearing fur, it was from an animal she’d killed that morning.
-Season 10: There were still only 4 vowels.
-Season 11: The winner got cash and merchandise. Second place got a parting gift. Third place was hunted, killed, and eaten.
-Season 12: To widen their audience to more than 50 people, television was invented.
-Season 13: To widen their audience to more than 100 people, the Mid-West was invented.
“Truck Stop Hero”
A Good Samaritan who pushed two elderly women out of harm’s way and was then struck by a truck was cited for jaywalking. The local police have a policy that when a person is injured, they should immediately add insult.
The cop who issued the ticket says he was just doing his job. It’s true; enforcing law and order is his job. When he kicks puppies, though, that’s just for fun.
The cop who issued the ticket says he was just doing his job. It’s true; enforcing law and order is his job. When he kicks puppies, though, that’s just for fun.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
"Schwarzenegger, the Actor?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger will play himself in a new movie starring and directed by, his friend Sylvester Stallone. Shooting begins late March. This is a great idea since by the end of March, the state of California will be too broke to pay him his salary.
In his cameo appearance, Schwarzenegger will play himself not as an action hero, but as the governor of California. Looking at the state’s budget and infrastructure, critics already agree it’s really a stretch.
The title of the film, written by Stallone, is “The Expendables.” Schwarzenegger is currently working on his own California-inspired screenplay about the biggest battle he has ever faced, aptly called “The Expenditures.”
-It’s a horror movie.
In his cameo appearance, Schwarzenegger will play himself not as an action hero, but as the governor of California. Looking at the state’s budget and infrastructure, critics already agree it’s really a stretch.
The title of the film, written by Stallone, is “The Expendables.” Schwarzenegger is currently working on his own California-inspired screenplay about the biggest battle he has ever faced, aptly called “The Expenditures.”
-It’s a horror movie.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
“De-Grading on a Curve”
A study to be published in The American Journal of Preventative Medicine says there may be a link between teen sexual activity and music that has “degrading” sexual lyrics. In reaction, retailers are quickly pulling all copies of The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold your Hand.”
Results of the study may have already made a bunch of ‘Emo’ kids cry. On the other hand, it’s hard to tell, because they were also crying before the study even began.
Teen boys who prefer hip-hop presented challenges when being surveyed for the study because they were busy degrading their girlfriends sexually during the interview.
Rappers themselves participated in the study, but only so far as to show up unannounced, personally perform degrading sex acts on the researchers, and then leave.
There has been a long suspected link between teen behavior and the music they listen to. This theory has been researched with kids who listen to heavy metal, but has never been proven. This may be because the kids always kill and eat the researchers.
The researchers, all mature adult scientists, also listened to the music for the sake of the study, but it had no affect on any of their sex lives, especially with respect to degrading activities. That’s because, when you're middle-aged, just listening to Top 40 is degrading enough.
Teens’ sexual activity is prompting cultural and economic changes as well, such as iTunes new online-order-only line of iCondoms.
Results of the study may have already made a bunch of ‘Emo’ kids cry. On the other hand, it’s hard to tell, because they were also crying before the study even began.
Teen boys who prefer hip-hop presented challenges when being surveyed for the study because they were busy degrading their girlfriends sexually during the interview.
Rappers themselves participated in the study, but only so far as to show up unannounced, personally perform degrading sex acts on the researchers, and then leave.
There has been a long suspected link between teen behavior and the music they listen to. This theory has been researched with kids who listen to heavy metal, but has never been proven. This may be because the kids always kill and eat the researchers.
The researchers, all mature adult scientists, also listened to the music for the sake of the study, but it had no affect on any of their sex lives, especially with respect to degrading activities. That’s because, when you're middle-aged, just listening to Top 40 is degrading enough.
Teens’ sexual activity is prompting cultural and economic changes as well, such as iTunes new online-order-only line of iCondoms.
"Batter Up"
Today is National Pancake Day, an annual free-pancakes charity event sponsored by IHOP to benefit the Children’s Miracle Network. The nonprofit hopes to make $1 for every inch gained on each customer’s waist.
Each year it has been held, the event has raised over a million dollars for charity in a single day, showing just how warm Americans’ hearts are. Clogged with butter and syrup, yes, but still warm.
Each year it has been held, the event has raised over a million dollars for charity in a single day, showing just how warm Americans’ hearts are. Clogged with butter and syrup, yes, but still warm.
“Don’t Fly for Me, Argentina”
Richard Williamson, the controversial, Holocaust-denying bishop, was asked to leave Argentina by their government, and then got into a scuffle at the airport, putting his hand in a TV reporter’s face and then pushing him into a pole. Of course, Williamson claims the pushing didn’t happen, the reporter doesn’t exist, and the pole is a myth created by Jews.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
“What Utah-kin’ ‘Bout, Willis?”
In Provo, Utah, a judge has ruled that a videotaped deposition from actor Gary Coleman will remain sealed until a personal injury suit against him is settled. Because Gary Coleman is in it, one must assume that it was a straight-to-video deposition.
The lawsuit involved Coleman allegedly hitting a man with his truck. It was not reported whether blocks must be strapped to Gary Coleman’s shoes in order for him to drive a truck.
The judge was concerned that release of the video could hurt Coleman’s chance at a fair trial. Coleman’s lawyer said release of the video could destroy Coleman. In a related story, Gary Coleman should fire his lawyer.
The lawsuit involved Coleman allegedly hitting a man with his truck. It was not reported whether blocks must be strapped to Gary Coleman’s shoes in order for him to drive a truck.
The judge was concerned that release of the video could hurt Coleman’s chance at a fair trial. Coleman’s lawyer said release of the video could destroy Coleman. In a related story, Gary Coleman should fire his lawyer.
“Knight Will Make You See Stars”
Death Row Records co-founder Marion “Suge” Knight pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery charges in Nevada, related to hitting a girlfriend in a Las Vegas Strip parking lot last year. I guess someone doesn’t like to lose at bingo.
Knight also had a knife, Ecstasy, and hydrocodone at the time of his arrest, but the knife was not used in the battery and the drug charges were dropped. Apparently the court felt the slap on the wrist shouldn’t be as hard as he slapped his girlfriend.
The drug charges were felonies that would have each carried up to a 4-year prison sentence. Fortunately, Knight’s attorneys were able to have the case heard in the Celebrity Court, Special Treatment wing.
Suge wound up paying a $340 fine, was ordered to seek counseling, and will now go back to hanging out in nightclubs that cater to violent thugs.
Don’t think that Suge always batters people. Sometimes it’s just assault.
All jokes aside, Suge, please don’t hurt me.
Knight also had a knife, Ecstasy, and hydrocodone at the time of his arrest, but the knife was not used in the battery and the drug charges were dropped. Apparently the court felt the slap on the wrist shouldn’t be as hard as he slapped his girlfriend.
The drug charges were felonies that would have each carried up to a 4-year prison sentence. Fortunately, Knight’s attorneys were able to have the case heard in the Celebrity Court, Special Treatment wing.
Suge wound up paying a $340 fine, was ordered to seek counseling, and will now go back to hanging out in nightclubs that cater to violent thugs.
Don’t think that Suge always batters people. Sometimes it’s just assault.
All jokes aside, Suge, please don’t hurt me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
“Coffee without All the Perks”
Starbucks is innovating a new, premium instant coffee product called Via. The business strategy is simple: if they can make the coffee instantly, they’ll get your money faster.
To combat the idea that instant won’t be as good as brewed coffee, they already have a slogan. “Via coffee. If you’re not a connoisseur, but still want to look pretentious.”
Starbucks wants to assure Via instant customers an equal coffee experience to their freshly brewed cup. To that end, they are training supermarket clerks to act like snobby, stuck-up baristas.
To combat the idea that instant won’t be as good as brewed coffee, they already have a slogan. “Via coffee. If you’re not a connoisseur, but still want to look pretentious.”
Starbucks wants to assure Via instant customers an equal coffee experience to their freshly brewed cup. To that end, they are training supermarket clerks to act like snobby, stuck-up baristas.
“Like Phish out of Water”
Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps will not face charges related to the recent photos that show him allegedly smoking a marijuana pipe. For the record, Phelps is a swimmer, and it was, technically a water pipe. He might have just been training.
Phelps has apologized repeatedly since the incident, and maintains that he would never have even gone to that party if he had known that someone there would have a camera.
Seven other people were investigated and arrested on drug charges stemming from the party and other incidents. It wasn’t reported whether or not they, too lost their million-dollar endorsement deals.
Phelps was dropped as a spokesman for Kellogg’s cereals over the marijuana incident. Ironic, since they advertise so many of their products as either baked or toasted.
The county sheriff said that the person who took the photo of Michael Phelps sold it for $100,000. Experts predict that that’s gonna buy him a lot of weed.
Phelps has apologized repeatedly since the incident, and maintains that he would never have even gone to that party if he had known that someone there would have a camera.
Seven other people were investigated and arrested on drug charges stemming from the party and other incidents. It wasn’t reported whether or not they, too lost their million-dollar endorsement deals.
Phelps was dropped as a spokesman for Kellogg’s cereals over the marijuana incident. Ironic, since they advertise so many of their products as either baked or toasted.
The county sheriff said that the person who took the photo of Michael Phelps sold it for $100,000. Experts predict that that’s gonna buy him a lot of weed.
Friday, February 13, 2009
“Moo Juice?”
In India, a company is making a new soft drink made from cow urine to compete with major soft drink brands. The company owner really hopes people will like it, and so does R. Kelly.
This, of course raises the question, just how bad is the water in India?
Studies have shown that one of the best ways to quench thirst is to remove all desire to drink.
India’s Cow Protection Campaign may be able to capitalize on the proposed slogan, “Not Milk?”
It almost seems as if the whole thing must be a giant national hoax, known as an Indian Burn.
The beverage is said to be in the final stages of development. The last stage, however may take years, as it required that they find someone willing to taste it.
The makers of the beverage say it will be inexpensive. Good. Like they say, ‘why would you want to buy the whole cow when you can drink the pee for cheap?’
The soft drink developers want to make sure they have an efficient way of collecting the supply of their ingredients. Every drop wasted is like money down the toilet.
After drinking the divine bovine, hygiene habits suggest that a woman would wipe her mouth with a napkin, whereas a man would just shake it off.
Over time, manufacturer’s research says that their product will eventually be welcome everywhere except at people’s swimming pools. No one wants pee in their pool.
Note: At the last minute, my editor made me change the headline of this story. The original was “Indians Have a Drinking Problem.”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.ece
Special thanks to my friend Dave Wiggins in Arizona for this news story, linked above.
This, of course raises the question, just how bad is the water in India?
Studies have shown that one of the best ways to quench thirst is to remove all desire to drink.
India’s Cow Protection Campaign may be able to capitalize on the proposed slogan, “Not Milk?”
It almost seems as if the whole thing must be a giant national hoax, known as an Indian Burn.
The beverage is said to be in the final stages of development. The last stage, however may take years, as it required that they find someone willing to taste it.
The makers of the beverage say it will be inexpensive. Good. Like they say, ‘why would you want to buy the whole cow when you can drink the pee for cheap?’
The soft drink developers want to make sure they have an efficient way of collecting the supply of their ingredients. Every drop wasted is like money down the toilet.
After drinking the divine bovine, hygiene habits suggest that a woman would wipe her mouth with a napkin, whereas a man would just shake it off.
Over time, manufacturer’s research says that their product will eventually be welcome everywhere except at people’s swimming pools. No one wants pee in their pool.
Note: At the last minute, my editor made me change the headline of this story. The original was “Indians Have a Drinking Problem.”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.ece
Special thanks to my friend Dave Wiggins in Arizona for this news story, linked above.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sex/Education
Ohio fourth-grade teacher Amber Carter was arrested at a motel Tuesday on charges of prostitution after using a school computer to arrange a “date.” The most shocking part: someone in Ohio still has a job.
Superintendent Lawrence Anderson realized he should have been suspicious when Carter started referring to him as Larry the Pimp.
Ms. Carter has been placed on administrative leave pending the case. In the meantime, she has no class.
Obviously these charges may affect her advancement in the school, which is unfortunate, since she was expecting to go for Department Head.
Her career as a prostitute was doomed anyway, since, after her customers were finished, she had a tendency to grade them.
-On a sliding scale, I might add.
Her specialty was the oral exam.
For an extra $20, she might give you extra credit.
Educators nationwide have stood up for Ms. Carter, saying that prostitution is far less demoralizing than teaching fourth grade.
If teaching grammar school pushed her into life as a call girl, you could say she “Hooked on Phonics.”
Superintendent Lawrence Anderson realized he should have been suspicious when Carter started referring to him as Larry the Pimp.
Ms. Carter has been placed on administrative leave pending the case. In the meantime, she has no class.
Obviously these charges may affect her advancement in the school, which is unfortunate, since she was expecting to go for Department Head.
Her career as a prostitute was doomed anyway, since, after her customers were finished, she had a tendency to grade them.
-On a sliding scale, I might add.
Her specialty was the oral exam.
For an extra $20, she might give you extra credit.
Educators nationwide have stood up for Ms. Carter, saying that prostitution is far less demoralizing than teaching fourth grade.
If teaching grammar school pushed her into life as a call girl, you could say she “Hooked on Phonics.”
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"Say You Want An Evolution"
Today is Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday, and it is being celebrated around the world despite the fact that Darwin himself died 127 years ago. By his own theory, he’d have survived, had he been fitter.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
Smaller birthday parties to honor the pioneering naturalist have gone on for many years, but over time, they have really evolved.
Proponents of Evolution use the day to publicize their thinking. They note that choosing Darwin’s birth date to bring attention to their cause seemed to be a Natural Selection.
Ironically, both Darwin’s birthday and his contributions to science were completely ignored by the world’s entire population of monkeys.
"Wal-Mart Clearance"
Wal-Mart is reducing its staff at its Arkansas headquarters by 700 to 800 people, out of 14,000. The employees laid off will be sold out of a giant bin, at rock-bottom prices.
The bad news is that employees being laid off will get no severance package. The good news is they get to keep their Sam’s Club membership.
The company says the layoffs are necessary because its financial plan for the year was flawed, probably due to the fact that it was cheaply manufactured by under-age, third-world labor.
The bad news is that employees being laid off will get no severance package. The good news is they get to keep their Sam’s Club membership.
The company says the layoffs are necessary because its financial plan for the year was flawed, probably due to the fact that it was cheaply manufactured by under-age, third-world labor.
"-Rod Rage"
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.
Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.
Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?
Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
"Live Wrong and Prosper" or "Deep Space Crime"
In Denver, CO, a masked man robbed two 7-11 stores armed with a Klingon sword. Obviously the mask was to conceal his nerd glasses.
Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.
The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.
This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.
The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”
The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.
Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.
There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.
At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.
The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.
Local police may seek help in the investigation from Starfleet Command.
The robber hit the two locations within a half hour of each other, leading the police to believe he may have beamed in and out.
This may be the first robbery ever pulled off with a souvenir from Comic-Con.
The community at large has condemned the crime as “highly illogical.”
The clerk at the first robbery site described the robber as male, white, in his 20’s, and despite his weapon, probably from Earth.
Authorities will be on the lookout for anyone who is using a suspiciously large amount of cash to spruce up basement apartment in their parents’ house.
There were no injuries at either robbery, according to the holograghic doctor in 7-11’s sick bay.
At the second store, the robber was refused money and left on foot. I guess his mom wasn’t available to pick him up.
The Klingon High Council has, of course, disavowed any knowledge of the robber’s actions.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A (-hole) Rod
Rod Blagojevich was removed as governor today following the Illinois senate vote ending his impeachment trial. Blagojevich claimed that he has “done absolutely nothing wrong.” Sure, he put Barack Obama’s Senate seat up for sale, but hey, nobody bought it.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
Name Blame
A new study from Social Science Quarterly says that boys with uncommon names are more likely to commit a crime than boys with popular names. I guess that explains what went wrong with Adolph and Benito.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Long Rodent to Recovery
In Spain, a new study found that stem cells can reverse paralysis in rats. The finding are very encouraging to the science and medical communities, but are being seen as a blow to opponents of stem cell research and people who hate rats.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
“Post Knows Bills”
Due to budget deficit concerns, the U.S. Postmaster requested of Congress today that mail delivery be cut to five days a week. The downside is that every disgruntled postal employee’s pay cut is going to require twice as much spending on Homeland Security.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
Action (Against) Jackson
Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, over royalties from their collaborative music video, Thriller. Landis co-wrote the groundbreaking 80’s video, in which Jackson transformed into a freakish, skeletal creature that sang and danced, but caused teens to scream in terror. Jackson is counter-suing Landis for dooming him by predicting that future.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Cutting Down on Caffeine
Coffee giant Starbucks announced another 300 store closures in addition to the 600 already planned for this year. In their own terms, the company is scaling back from ‘Venti’ to ‘Grande.’
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
Monday, January 26, 2009
For the Birds
The FAA is getting ready to test a new radar system designed to track the flight of flocks of birds. In light of the Hudson River plane landing caused by birds earlier this month, fresh technologies may be a sign of this new presidential era. Bush just wanted to arrest the birds as terrorists.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Raising a Racket
Over the weekend at the Australian Open tennis tournament, Serena and Venus Williams’ doubles match was interrupted when a male streaker ran onto the court. No one stopped him because they just thought he was the ball boy.
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
Ritalin Me This
The FDA has determined that drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can have some serious side effects in rare cases. The bad news is, some ADHD patients experienced hallucinations. The good news is the patients paid no attention to them.
Booked on Charges
A woman in Iowa was arrested for failing to return a book to the library. Most shocking fact about the arrest: Apparently, people in Iowa can read.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
Friday, January 23, 2009
“Making an Appointment”
The governor of New York has appointed U.S. Rep. Kristin Gillibrand to take Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, based on his primary criteria, selecting an individual who universally drew a response of “I’ve never heard of her in my life.”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
“Cuban Export”
Fidel Castro told Argentina’s press office that he doesn’t expect to be around in another four years. Four years? What’s he worried about? Elections?
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
“Digital Clock Winding Down”
The Senate is trying to delay next months universal switch-over to all digital TV signals due to economic considerations. Opponents of the delay point at that if we were already digital, the Senate could just pause and rewind the decision to get rid of analog.
“Money Flushed Down the Toilet”
A New York landlord was forced to pay a $10,000 fine for removing the toilet from an apartment to try to force a tenant out. Meanwhile the tenant was forced to try to hold everything in.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dick on Wheels
Dick Cheney attended the inauguration ceremony pushed in a wheelchair. In an ironic twist, after pushing the country around for 8 years, he’s finally being pushed around.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Inaugural Change-of-Address
Today’s top news story is from Washington D.C.: heavy tourist traffic and the road closure of Pennsylvania Avenue has led to back-ups and delays in the surrounding area.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
History is made.
Yes, history has been made, as this blog has now surpassed the milestone of over 1,000 jokes posted. Bask in the glow of this memorable moment.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tapped Out
Beer sales have fallen off due to the sluggish economy, prompting layoffs at some smaller brewing companies. Of course, logic suggests that the people laid off will be depressed and therefore more likely to drink, pushing sales figures right back up.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Biggest City
Men’s Fitness Magazine has published a research study that reveals America’s fattest cities. Topping the list, surprisingly, is Miami, FL. The surprise is because we always just thought Miami was big boned.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Il Advised
Dictator Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his youngest son, Kim Jong Un, to succeed him as the leader of the country. Jong’s two older brothers plan to forever pretend to be happy for their younger sibling so that they won’t, you know, be killed.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
Flush on Funds
A man armed with a gun attempting a bank robbery in Kentucky was foiled after walking in to find the bank had been converted into the town’s water department two weeks prior. His quick cash grab went down the drain.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
The robber became desperate for money when no bank would float him a loan.
Maybe he was trying to withdraw liquid capital.
Trying to rob a bank is a bit like diving into a pool. To pull it off right, it helps if you have gone off the deep end.
The robber was wearing a mask but forgot his snorkel.
On the other hand, turning a bank into a water utility building is a little like watching your money go down the toilet.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Idol Threat
American Idol, which debuted its 8th season last night, is suing an Austin, Texas strip club for trademark violation over its “Stripper Idol,” in which the audience votes to award a cash prize to a weekly winner. Losers, by definition, then try to audition for the real American Idol.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
The only similarity between the two "Idol" shows, other than the name, is the occasional, awkward dance moves and writhing on the floor. But, hey, Paula Abdul can do whatever she wants.
Legal experts are already predicting that the strip joint will counter-sue for a $20 cover plus 2 drinks.
How could anyone mistake “Stripper Idol” as a sponsored event of the popular TV show? No mentor has ever had to remind an American Idol finalist to wipe down the pole before their set.
The contest is only for female dancers, which is a bit of a relief, since male strippers could give a whole new meaning to the stage name William Hung.
Common Cold
Extremely cold weather has been hitting many areas across the country. To fight the cold, Al Gore is recommending that people up their fossil fuel use. “Screw conservation.”
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
North Dakota posted a low of 24 degrees below zero, which is even worse news if you are already suffering from the common cold there. Anyone with post-nasal drip now has post-nasal icicle.
Even traditionally warmer states like Georgia had 20 degree weather. Or as they call it in Minnesota, Spring.
In Wisconsin, frozen pipes and water mains could cause the most serious problem: a shortage of hot cocoa.
New York City saw temps drop below zero. If fact, it’s so cold in New York today that the muggers won’t pull their handguns out of their jacket pockets.
It’s so hard to pull the trigger when you are wearing mittens.
People in New York and Boston have become so desperate for warmth, Yankees and Red Sox fans are getting together, just for the friction.
The entire state of Ohio can expect to be blanketed in snow again tonight. But there is some good news, Ohio. In most parts of the state, the snow won’t accumulate any higher than Dennis Kucinich.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ancient/China
A 107-year-old woman in China is looking for a husband. Wang Guiying has never been married and says she is seeking a man who is at least 100, so they will have things to talk about. Whatever, gold-digger.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Of course, if the Chinese government authenticates her age at 107, it means she is really like 102.
A farmer until the age of 74, she has now been retired for 33 years. So she may finally be ready to settle down.
Wang hopes to find someone whose hobbies and interests match her own, such as breathing and having a pulse.
If Wang marries now, it will surely be because she wants to. She doesn’t have to bow to peer pressure to wed once all her peers died.
Hopefully her age won’t mark the wedding as unusual. What will be unusual is her 87 year old flower girl.
The advantage of marrying at her age is that, on her wedding day, she will only need something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Asked why she didn’t ever marry up until now, Wang explained that she wanted to wait until she paid off her student loans.
Local officials have told the would-be bride that they will help her find her 100-year-old groom. They already have a short list that is bound to get shorter day by day.
With her parents not alive to give her away at the wedding, tradition says she should ask whoever is closest to her. So she asked the Grim Reaper.
Indigestion Proposal
In Normal, Illinois, a young couple married inside a local Taco Bell this past Friday. The couple originally thought about a more formal ceremony, but they felt McDonald’s was just too snooty.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Rather than exchanging traditional vows, they decided to think outside the bun.
So, why Taco Bell? The couple is so in love, they make each other’s heart burn.
Most people agree that if life is a journey than marriage is two people’s chance to make a run for the border.
At the end of the ceremony, the groom, instead of being told he may kiss the bride was handed a large paper cup and told to wait for his number to be called.
This was the only wedding where the best man had to present the wedding rings at the drive-thru.
After the bride and groom said “I do,” the minister happily announced, “Please pull forward.”
Wedding reception guests may not have gotten a fancy gourmet dinner, but at least they got free refills.
At this wedding, the budget was the only thing that wasn’t bloated.
Wedding guests can't wait to see the wedding DVD, or as the restaurant calls it, security video.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests had the choice to either throw rice or beans.
After their big Taco Bell wedding feast, the couple will be spending their honeymoon at home in the bathroom.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Spare the Rod, Spoil the Trial
Illinois legislators voted today to impeach Gov. Rod Blagojevich by a vote of 114 to 1. The only vote for him was from his own hair.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Blagojevich, a Democrat, has even seen all support from his own party dissolve. He's left to hope that the one vote for him was from a super-delagate.
As the vote was cast, Blagojevich was actually out jogging. His only comment was that his situation was like a long distance run. You’re right, Governor. You can run, but you can’t hide.
Blagojevich said “I feel like the old Alan Sillitoe short story, ‘The Lonliness of the Long-Distance Runner.’ Alan Sillitoe is an award-winning British novelist, poet, playwright, and screenwriter. Oddly, he never faced massive corruption charges and public disgrace.
Rep. Jack Franks said of the vote, “It’s our duty to clean up the mess,” a comment likely inspired by the governor’s hair resembling a mop-head.
Gu Gu's Zoo Boo-boo
A giant panda named Gu Gu in the zoo in Beijing bit his third tourist. Public alarm has resulted in the zoo deciding to no longer feed him people.
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Each of the three incidents occurred when a tourist climbed or jumped into Gu Gu’s pen or exercise area, and in 2 of the 3 cases, the person was drunk. Zoo officials agree that from now on, when visiting the zoo, drunk tourists will be caged.
In the most recent incident, the tourist was not drunk, but was mauled and bitten when he jumped into the 240 lb. bear’s pen to retrieve a child’s toy. Checking on his condition today, the man was found to still be stupid.
In 2007, a drunk tourist had jumped into his pen and tried to hug him. The panda did what anyone would do. He got a restraining order and sued for sexual harassment.
These tourists were just lucky Gu Gu isn’t one of the members of the sub-species, Kung Fu Panda.
Both the National Zoo in Washington, D.C and the Animal Planet television network issued statements reminding people that pandas can be dangerous animals. In a related story… Duh! They are bears!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Taken to the Cleaners
Former judge Roy Pearson of Washington, D.C. is appealing his unsuccessful $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaners over a lost pair of pants. Had Pearson won, the owner of the cleaners would have counter-sued for having lost his shirt.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Pearson claims the cleaners failed to live up to its “satisfaction guaranteed” promise. Usually a money-back guarantee doesn’t mean all the money the business has ever seen.
Pearson did win on one front, assuming he really wanted to waste everyone’s time.
Home Run!
A 72-year-old Fresno, CA woman found an old baseball card and tried to sell it on eBay for $10 before learning that it was a 139-year-old photograph of the first professional baseball team in history. The card’s actual value could be $100,000, which n this economy, still means she’ll have to sell it for 10 bucks.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
The team depicted on the card is the 1870 Red Stocking Cincinnati Baseball Club. To any sports fans that say baseball isn’t butch enough: take that!
If she doesn’t get a good price at auction, she’s just going to put it back in the spokes of her bicycle.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Power Lunch
Barack Obama had lunch today with President Bush as well as former presidents Clinton, Bush Sr., and Carter. The five of them met privately to eat and talk, and then, in order to reflect the current national situation, President Bush stuck Obama with the bill.
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
The five men posed together briefly in the oval office as the press snapped pictures. It is rare for all the presidents to gather, and usually it takes a somber occasion to bring them together. This was no exception since the economy is dying.
Bill Clinton was the only member of this esteemed group who was hesitant to participate in the luncheon. He agreed, however on one condition: No wives!
Children's Children
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Mississippi now has the highest teen birth rate. This confirms what has long been suspected: being born in Mississippi is a disease.
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
It’s possible that Mississippi health officials haven’t done enough to help prevent teen pregnancies, but they claim they thought the term ‘teen birth’ referred to someone who was born a teenager.
The state to previously hold the top spot for this unfortunate statistic was Texas. Having slipped down the list, Texas teens collectively said “Oh yeah? Wait ‘til next year. Game on, y’all!”
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
In the Spirit of Marriage
The Ghost Whisperer Jennifer Love Hewitt has called off her engagement to Scottish actor Ross McCall. Also, Medium’s Patricia Arquette and actor husband Thomas Jane filed for divorce today. So, in summary, if you’re on TV and you see dead people, it’s time to start seeing other people.
Minor Accident
A six-year-old Virginia boy who missed his school bus took the family car and drove himself several miles towards school, turns and all. He eventually crashed, but luckily received only a bump on the head. Police are checking his juice box for alcohol.
The boy said he learned to drive from playing video games like Grand Theft Auto. I hope his parents didn’t buy him any shooting games for Christmas.
Other motorists the boy passed had no idea there was a child behind the wheel, but suspected it was a boy, rather than a girl, when he refused to stop and get directions.
The boy said he learned to drive from playing video games like Grand Theft Auto. I hope his parents didn’t buy him any shooting games for Christmas.
Other motorists the boy passed had no idea there was a child behind the wheel, but suspected it was a boy, rather than a girl, when he refused to stop and get directions.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Franken's Time
In Minnesota, the too-close-to-call U.S. Senate race recount finally has a winner. It appears that author, radio host, and former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has defeated incumbent Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Franken attributes his victory to the fact that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
From Ronald Reagan to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not unheard of for a show business personality to be voted into office, but a performer known for comedy is a bit of a change. Usually, voters don’t usually know they elected a clown until he takes office.
Bauble Trouble
Paris Hilton has reported to police that the theft of $2 million worth of jewelry from her mansion last month may have been pulled off by an acquaintance. That narrows it down to thousands of people she’s slept with.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
Paris is most upset by what she calls an “invasion of privacy,” which she cherishes as a reality television staple, tabloid main-stay, and sex-tape star.
Police are calling it an inside job, meaning the suspects are now limited to the multitudes who have been inside her.
In-house security footage showed a person wearing a hoodie and a pair of gloves, briefly throwing suspicion on O.J. Simpson.
(Just kidding, O.J. Please don’t kill me. Or kidnap me at gunpoint.)
In the future, Paris is considering hiding her jewels in her own bodily orifices, but that’s a security problem since so many people have access.
There may seem to be a bias, where everything I write about Paris implies that she is slutty. Perhaps I’m selling her short. After all, she is also useless and stupid.
PrimATE
A Liberian woman who had illegally imported monkey meat to New York had her claim that it was to be eaten for spiritual purposes rejected by a federal judge. The only religious context most people have for monkeys is their 1960’s hit song, “I’m a Believer.”
The woman further claimed that the monkeys’ had no value other than as food, since they didn’t play their own instruments.
The judge said the woman’s faith was no excuse for failing to apply for special permits to import exotic food into the country. It may be that she was simply up to monkey business.
Speaking of unusual foods, it also may be that her famous tangy orange-tan sauce was, in fact, orangutan.
Health officials felt it necessary to warn consumers that eating primate meat may have negative side-effects, such as monkey-breath, and involuntarily flinging your own poo at people.
The woman further claimed that the monkeys’ had no value other than as food, since they didn’t play their own instruments.
The judge said the woman’s faith was no excuse for failing to apply for special permits to import exotic food into the country. It may be that she was simply up to monkey business.
Speaking of unusual foods, it also may be that her famous tangy orange-tan sauce was, in fact, orangutan.
Health officials felt it necessary to warn consumers that eating primate meat may have negative side-effects, such as monkey-breath, and involuntarily flinging your own poo at people.
Friday, January 2, 2009
If the Shoe Fits
The head of a West Bank Palestinian family wants to offer a reward to the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last month: their daughter. She is being offered in marriage to the journalist. What parent doesn’t want their daughter’s husband to have a violent temper and a criminal record?
The offer includes the girl as his bride and a dowry for her. The journalist may accept if the dowry is, say, a new pair of shoes.
The offer includes the girl as his bride and a dowry for her. The journalist may accept if the dowry is, say, a new pair of shoes.
Butter than Nothing
A state legislator in Missouri plans to bring an end to an 1895 law banning yellow margarine, which at the time it was passed, was meant to protect the state’s dairy industry, but as the lawmakers have now become aware, cows don’t vote.
It may be that the anti-margarine law was drafted in reaction to Imperialism.
The specific ban against yellow margarine was to protect consumers from thinking they were buying butter. In modern times, though, the law just seems racist.
It may be that the anti-margarine law was drafted in reaction to Imperialism.
The specific ban against yellow margarine was to protect consumers from thinking they were buying butter. In modern times, though, the law just seems racist.
"Out-Cast" or, "In-Fidel-ity"
Cuba’s 50th Anniversary celebration of Fidel Castro’s communist revolution was not attended by Fidel himself. Most popular theory on his absence: nobody invites an 82-year old dictator who is going to harsh everyone’s buzz at the party.
The fact that Castro didn’t even show for TV cameras leads many to believe he was to ill to be seen. My personal opinion: he was just too ugly for TV.
Raul Castro spoke to the crowd and has been running the country since his brother Fidel took ill. Prior to that, Raul lived in hiding, in Fidel’s beard.
The fact that Castro didn’t even show for TV cameras leads many to believe he was to ill to be seen. My personal opinion: he was just too ugly for TV.
Raul Castro spoke to the crowd and has been running the country since his brother Fidel took ill. Prior to that, Raul lived in hiding, in Fidel’s beard.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Teed Off
A new controversy faces the world of ladies’ golf, since it was revealed that the new winner of the Re/Max World Long Drive Championship, Lana Lawless, used to be a man. In fact, she was a SWAT policeman, but has long since retired her nightstick.
On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.
Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.
The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.
Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.
It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.
Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.
On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.
Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.
The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.
Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.
It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.
Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.
Save Ferris
In Singapore, 173 people became trapped when the world’s largest ferris wheel stopped working. Workers tried to fix it for hours, but they were just going in circles.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Snow Blower
In Anchorage, Alaska, Snowzilla, the famous 16-foot-plus snowman standing since 2005, had to be brought down due to a city abatement order, citing the structure as a public nuisance and safety hazard. Snowzilla is to be executed by electricity. Specifically: hair-dryer.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Crime Doesn't 'Pie'
A pizza delivery man was held up at gunpoint, but threw the hot pepperoni pizza at the gunman. The suspect fled the scene covered in pizza, but has been described as hot and delicious.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
China: Largest Population & Growing
China is facing a drastic increase in obesity. More Chinese people have taken to bad eating habits, and Western fast food chains such as KFC are being pointed out as a partial cause. The problem is, when Chinese people eat American food, an hour later they are hungry again.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Court-ing Taxpayers
Illinois’ state Attorney General Lisa Madigan has denied Governor Rod Blogojevich’s lawyer’s request to have the state pay for his legal defense. That just doesn’t make sense, even by Blogojevich’s own logic. If the state picks up his bill, he’ll have to give every state resident their own Senate seat.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
The Shoe Fits
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush and was subsequently arrested has said he regrets his actions and is asking to be pardoned. Some think he should go free. Others think the courts should sock it to him.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saint Lewis
Comedian Jerry Lewis will be honored at February’s Academy Awards ceremony with Oscar’s Humanitarian Award in recognition of his work as national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. As a humanitarian, he will also not force anyone to watch any of his movies.
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
$mileys Aren't Free
A Russian businessman has attempted to trademark the semicolon-hyphen-right-parentheses that form the sideways, winking smiley-face commonly used in email and text messages, in the hopes of collecting massive royalties from licensing fees. Anyone looking sideways at the smiley should sue the symbol’s “owner” for neck strain.
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
Party Favors
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevish could be the 4th out of the last 8 Illinois governors to resign or be removed from office after getting caught in a corruption scandal. For you optimists keeping score, that’s still 4 that didn’t get caught.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fire Ho's
It was reported in Los Angeles that the city’s oldest strip club, “The Body Shop” has closed down due to a fire. Fire-fighters were slow to put out the blaze because they first had to pay a cover and buy two drinks.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
He's Lost his Charm, He's Lost his Appeal
Idaho Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to overturn his disorderly conduct conviction stemming from a gay sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last June. Craig did not seek reelection in November due to the scandal, and in January he will be coming out – of the Senate.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Friday, December 5, 2008
“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
No'way, George!
In a London court today, singer Boy George was convicted of false imprisonment for cuffing and chaining a Norwegian male escort to a wall in his apartment and then hitting him with a chain following a cocaine-induced, pornographic photo session. The conviction is ironic, since the cuffing is the most legal and least offensive thing about that night.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
French Rolled
In Paris yesterday, a gang of armed robbers pulled off a $100 million jewelry heist in broad daylight at a Harry Winston boutique. Two of the 4 male robbers were dressed in women’s clothes and wigs, which experts presume is so they can look pretty when they try on the jewelry.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Bail Out of Comedy Blog Demanded
Due to the current economic crisis, felt nationwide amid massive layoffs, roller-coaster stock prices, and shaky consumer confidence, not to mention tremendous media fear-mongering, I have reached an important decision. I have called on the United States government to bail out this blog.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Heart to Heart
In Miami, a teenage girl just got her second heart transplant after living without a heart, only external pumping machines, for 118 days. It had been discovered that her first transplant failed when the Wizard of Oz had just put a clock in her chest, calling it a “testimonial.”
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"Brother, Can You Spare a Hundred Million Dollars?"
Here in California, A 57-year-old transient man, convicted of starting a 2006 fire that burned 163,000 acres, has been sentenced to nearly 4 years in prison, and ordered to pay $101 million in fines and restitution. So in exchange for destroying 11 structures and threatening so many homes, he gets a free roof over his head.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
Prone... To Talk
Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the prostitute involved in the scandal of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, is sitting down for a TV interview with 20/20’s Diane Sawyer. Nothing is off limits, and nothing is taboo, but Diane has to pay cash and promise to become a regular.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
Today is my Birthday
Feel free to offer presents. No gift cards, please.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Heavy Bondage
The new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace was number one at the box office in its weekend, taking in $70.4 million. This broke the record for any Bond opening, any Gus Van Sant-directed film, and any movie, ever, with a meaningless non sequitur for a title.
Running the Miley
Miley Cyrus is fine and well, but a hoax purporting her death in a drunk driving accident in a YouTube video, where the teen star’s account had been hacked. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus was so upset at the idea of such a horror that he regressed back to his 1992 mullet.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wuhan Clan
China’s Hubei province just wrapped up it’s 8th annual Wuhan International Acrobatics festival, celebrating 2,000 years of the art form in China. Interestingly, all of the youngest acrobats, typically age 8, were still somehow magically born prior to 1992.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Lame Duck-Hunting
Members of the Bush administration are beginning to make their plans for the time following President-Elect Obama taking office. Vice-President Dick Cheney, for example, is looking forward to shooting people in the face in the private sector.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
Manual Transition
It’s possible that President Bush isn’t yet conditioned to the idea of leaving office. After election results were announced late Tuesday night, he initially referred to Barack Obama and his staff as “the insurgency.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
New Precedent
Yesterday, the U.S elected Barack Obama to become its 44th president. But, as Barack made clear to the nation in his speech from Chicago late last night, the real victory belongs to Oprah.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Vote often!
Obviously, today is election day. Based on estimates from ACORN, ballots have already been cast by over 8 billion people.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
"Tricked Up Treat" or "All Methed Up"
A 7-year old boy in Minneapolis found a bag of money and methamphetamine mixed in with his Halloween candy, which police believe was either dropped by a man attempting to evade arrest, or else was a prop for a kid dressed up as Amy Winehouse.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
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