Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Obama, Angelina Jolie, and the Doctor of all scammers

A Texas doctor is facing charges for allegedly scamming Medicare out of almost $375 million over 5 years for bogus medical services, the largest healthcare fraud operation in history.  The old record was whatever you paid in health insurance premiums last year.
The doctor’s justification for the entire scam was explaining how expensive greens’ fees have gotten.
The scam was based on billing Medicare for services for thousands of elderly, poor, and homeless people who never really received services, needed or not.  Or as that’s usually called, Medicare.

After Angelina Jolie prominently displayed her right leg through the slit in her dress while presenting at the Oscars on Sunday, the image of her striking the pose has gone viral.  Even her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, whose blood she used to wear in a tiny vial around hr neck said, “Yeah, she’s gotten weird.”.
The pose has been named “Jolie-ing,” a la ‘planking’ or ‘Tebowing’, and it’s definition is “standing in a pose that makes Jennifer Aniston feel inferior.”

President Obama has pledged to buy a Chevy Volt.  Didn’t he already bail General Motors out once?
He says he is going to buy a Volt.  So, that’s his plan to lower gas prices.
Chevrolet is worried, because since the president promised to buy a Volt, that means he’ll change his mind and not do it.
The president said he would buy the Volt in 5 years, when he isn’t president anymore.  It’s a dark prediction for the economy when the president is already forecasting that he’ll need to buy a 5-year-old car after leaving office.
For having a “5 Year Plan,” Republicans immediately labeled Obama a Stalinist Commie.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Lap Dance, White House, NASCAR, Robbery, Pope, Robbery and Twitter Review

A scandal erupted this week for Gerardo Hernandez, a mayoral candidate in Sunland Park, New Mexico who was secretly video-taped receiving a lap-dance from a topless woman in his office.  Hernandez would have told the woman to stop and get dressed, but he didn’t want to be involved in a cover-up.

Hernandez has not dropped out of the race, but has lost at least one vote – his wife’s.

The White House defended President Obama’s apology to Afghan President Hamid Karzi in the wake of two American troops who were killed in what is believed to be retaliation for the burning of copies of the Quran.   Obama hopes Afghanistan will apologize for the murder of the two Americans so we can call it even.

If Afghanistan doesn’t accept Obama’s apology, he wants to ask how many more American troops they would like to kill until they forgive us.

 NASCAR driver Danica Patrick’s race in the Sprint Cup ended abruptly, with a violent collision in the final lap of the qualifying race.  Luckily she wasn’t injured, and as a bonus, she’s been offered an endorsement deal from CrashDaddy.com.

Up until the collision, Danica had been doing well.  NASCAR experts theorize that she probably started fixing her hair and make-up in the rearview mirror, or calling her girlfriends on her cell phone.

Campaigning in Michigan, Mitt Romney said Friday that “Detroit should not just be the Motor City of America… (but) of the world.”  Mitt was talking about his love of cars all week, so it seems he is putting his Motor where his mouth is.

He also criticized government fuel efficiency standards as having put too great a burden on the auto industry.  Apparently, he forgot that most American voters are also drivers who have to pay for their own gas.

In Spain, 4 thieves who robbed a warehouse vault on Thursday crashed their getaway car into another vehicle, carjacked another car to escape, but forgot their loot in the back seat of the abandoned car.  To avoid this problem next time, they are riding bikes.
Even though the loot was left in bags inside the car, it’s okay because the loot did not include milk or any other perishable items.
The driver is especially worried because he doesn’t think his insurance covers botched heists.
Since they lost their own automobile, which is now is police possession, the first plan they made for their next job was to arrange for a car rental.

Pope Benedict XVI has begun posting daily tweets for the Catholic repentance period of Lent.  That ought to get the young people of the Internet.

His tweets pose the question, “What would Jesus say – in 140 characters or less.”

The Vatican hopes the tweets will reach everyone who didn’t give up Twitter for Lent.

The Pope carries around 3 tablets.  One’s an iPad, and the other 2 just have the Ten Commandments on them.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

“Baby Aspirin”


Foster Friess, millionaire supporter of Rick Santorum’s super PAC, said in an MSNBC interview that women should use  Bayer aspirin as a contraceptive –by holding one between their knees.  Friess’ remark may have backfired, since taking an aspirin often cures the headaches that prevent sex.

The idea of using aspirim as birth control has caused confusion for many of Santorum’s supporters.  Some are substituting their birth control pills with2 Bayer tablets while others are trying to have sex with the pill bottle.

People having sex by themselves are then logically encouraged to use Aspercreme, and just rub it in.

The pharmacists of America want to remind people to only use aspirin as directed, between two consenting adults.

Sex itself has been said to be a medicine.  And by extension, gay sex is an alternative medicine.

“Shorts Sentence”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the underwear bomber, was sentenced to multiple life sentences Thursday, for trying to blow up a jet plane bound for Detroit, Dec 25, 2009.  This despite his lawyer’s attempt at a defense that an awful in-flight meal caused the explosion in his underwear.

The bomb hidden in his underwear ignited and burned him, but failed to explode.  Apparently, for Umar, nothing below the waist ever worked very well.

Due to his botched bombing, if he ever got on another plane, he would be able to stow his genitals in a carry-on bag.

There is little concern that Umar might catch a venereal disease in prison, since he has already had a flaming crotch.

He’s expected to be very popular in prison, especially since his posterior has already been blown wide open.

The multiple life sentences were imposed because the judge felt that the defendant would try to commit future terrorist acts if ever released, if only he still had the balls.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

“Call to Action”

The FCC is adopting new rules to crack down on so-called “robo-calls,” automated telemarketing calls that usually come as an interruption when people are having dinner.  After all, if there’s one thing the government should focus on, it’s making sure that fat Americans don’t stop eating.

Since most people let those calls go to an answering machine or voicemail system anyway, the government needs to investigate what the machines are really saying to each other when no humans are listening.

Unfortunately, when the FCC called the telemarketers to tell them to stop, they got an automated system that eventually directed them to a website where they were promptly Rick-rolled.

"Hospital Food"

Tourists thought it was a joke or a hoax when a customer at the fattening food haven, “The Heart Attack Grill” in Las Vegas needed medical attention and was wheeled on a stretcher to an ambulance after eating a “Triple Bypass Burger.”  Don’t worry, though, because the customer is currently resting at home, with a gravy IV.

At the hospital, technicians checked his vital signs and drew a ketchup sample.

After the incident, many of the restaurant’s customers were depressed and experienced desperate feelings of self-loathing.  In other words, they went right back to normal.

“Robbed Justice”

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was with his wife and some friends at his vacation home on the Caribbean Island of Nevis when an intruder broke in and robbed them while brandishing a machete, hen got away.  Justice Breyer insists the scene woul have ended differently, if only he’d been able to get to his gavel.

The Breyers had been robbed just earlier that day on the island – by paying tourist prices.

Breyer could easily have stopped the robber singlehandedly, but didn’t want to give away his secret identity as a member of the Justice League.

When the other Supreme Court Justices heard about this, they were sympathetic towards Breyer, by a vote of 4 to 3 with 1 abstention.

Valentines, China, and Spoken Word Grammy

For the first time, The Empire State Building hosted same sex weddings for Valentine’s Day, including 2 women.  Onlookers were surprised to see the female couple atop such a tall and iconic erection.

Vice President Biden met with China’s Vice President Xi Jinping at the White House today.  Jinping is the next likely leader of China, so it made sense for Biden to meet him, so Jinping can get used to Americans kissing his ass.

Mitt Romney is campaigning hard in Michigan, the state where he was born, but where he now seems to be trailing in polls behind Rick Santorum.  Not helping Romney is his harsh criticism of the bailout of the automotive industry in Detroit, and his shunning of cars in general, preferring to travel by balloon on his own hot air.

At Sunday Night’s Grammy Awards, Betty White won the award for Best Spoken Word album, for her audio collection of humorous anecdotes If You Ask Me (and of Course You Won’t).  Betty celebrated her win like many Grammy winners, with drugs and hookers in her limo.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

"Marines, Republicans, a Rhino, and the FBI

The Marine Corps  confirmed that in a photograph that appeared on the Internet, one of their Afghanistan sniper teams posed in front of a flag resembling the SS of Nazi Germany.  Noting that everything must be taken in context, at the time, those Marines were trying to impress Dick Cheney.

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has surged way ahead of Newt Gingrich, thanks to winning 3 primary elections this week in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri.  Though, no matter how far ahead Santorum may be, you can always still see Newt behind him just because of his massive girth.

In a conservation group’s anti-poaching demonstration gone wrong, a rhinoceros died in South Africa, when a tranquilizer used to sedate the animal killed it instead.  Trying to save face, the organization changed their message, warning to rhinos to just say “no” to drugs.

Today the FBI released the file they had on Steve Jobs, from 1991, when then President H. W. Bush was considering his as a US Export Council appointee.  Though the file is now public, you can’t read it because their PC’s crashed.

The FBI also has a file on Bill Gates.  It costs about half as much to get, but it sucks.

"West Coast Gays"

Washington state’s House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to allow same-sex marriages, following the state Senate’s passage last week, and the governor is expected to sign it into law next week.  So while the skies over Washington are often overcast, it seems that every cloud has a pink lining.

This means Seattle’s rain will finally stop, if only to make room for the rainbows.

A federal appeals court ruled that California’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional.  The judges ruled 2 to 1 in the case, and then the 2 judges in the majority ran off to marry each other.

“Close as Sisters”

A group of nuns are fighting the opening of a new strip club being built on property right next door to a convent.  The strippers don’t want to be too close to the nuns either, saying that in the past, they’ve been lousy tippers.

Both establishments accept one dollar bills.

The strip club will be literally be less than 2 feet from the nuns’ property.  The strip club has already warned the convent that, while that is very close, the club’s official rule is still “no touching.”

The club owner is willing to offer compromises to make the nuns happy, such as drink specials, and 2-for-1 lap dances, and of course, Ladies Night.

Just be sure you have the right address if you re looking for the services of one establishment versus the other.  Because there’s a big difference between a sponge bath and the Shower Room.

Friday, February 3, 2012

“Pimping for Votes”

The workers at Nevada’s legal brothel, the Bunny Ranch, rallied in support of Ron Paul last night in Reno, even trying to raise money for his campaign.  That’s not all they raised.

It surprises some that legal prostitutes would support Paul. Especially since it seems like Gingrich has more sleaze appeal.

The girls like Paul because he wants to withdraw all foreign aid from all countries immediately, and these girls appreciate the idea of pulling out in a timely fashion.

Prostitutes have a high voting rate, because they are used to settling for less than they want, and they know how to pull the lever.

Quickie Post

U.S. Customs and other officials seized almst $5 million in unauthorized Superbowl merchandise from Indianapolis area flea markets and street venders following an investigation called Operation Fake Sweep.  Make sure to get all your Operation Fake Sweep hats, t-shirts, and other cool gear before they sell out.

Newt Gingrich said that if they ever make a movie about this year’s presidential race, he’d like to be played by Brad Pitt.  Apparently Gingrich thinks that rich and fat equals Money Ball.
Pitt is ready to screen test as Gingrich: “The first rule of the open marriage is you don’t talk about the open marriage.”

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting 6 more weeks of winter.  Phil is hailed as a prognosticator of seasonal change, an like most weather-men, right after his public prediction, his handlers had to return him to his cage before he bit or pooped on someone.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

“Take a Pill”

Pzizer has issued a recall of 1 million birth control pills under 3 different brand and generic names, after a factory dispensing error caused packages to contain too many pills or too few.  This story is a lead in to October’s top story: the 2012 baby boom.

A Pfizer spokesperson encourages customers to return the recalled pills, or just stop sleeping around.

On the upside, the factory mistake takes some of the burden of responsibility off of the many women who just forgot to take their pill anyway.

Women who got too many of the hormone pills have been outraged, then depressed, then apologetic, then flirty, and then aggressively amorous.

Instead of continuing to take the pills in their current package, some women are just taking the placebos.

On an interesting social note, experts estimate that the need to replace 1 million defective pills will likely prevent sex from taking place by as many as 2 drunk strangers.

Many users of the pill are planning to launch a class action lawsuit, but won’t have time to pursue it once they are trying to care for a newborn.

“Poor Mitt”

In a brief sound bite this week, Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that he is “not concerned about the very poor” in America.  Romney defended the quote, saying he thought the poor were a myth, like
fairies and ghosts.

Mitt believes in the Abominable Snowman, however, because he has personally met Newt Gingrich.

Romney clarified his statement that he need not be concerned about the poor because there is a safety net in place.  By that he means there is a protective net around the rich so the poor can’t get to them.