Friday, February 18, 2011

“Wrestling with his Conscience”

On Thursday, Cassy Herkleman became the first girl to ever win a state wrestling championship for her Iowa high school, when her opponent forfeited rather than wrestle a girl, due to the sport’s rough physical contact. So he didn’t get a state championship, but more importantly, he also didn’t get a mid-match erection.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

“Vick’s Vaporizing”

Harpo Productions announced that Michael Vick has cancelled what should have been a reputation-repairing interview with Oprah Winfrey. I guess you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

“Making Whoopi… Apologize”

Whoopi Goldberg apologized to the New York Times Wednesday. Regardless of what it was for, now she only needs to apologize to the rest of America.

Whoopi apologized for accusing the Times of “sloppy journalism” in an article questioning a seeming drop in Oscar recognition for African American actors, where she, herself was not named among the past winners. To be fair, Whoopi should really apologize for ever having been in movies in the first place.

Though the Academy gave Whoopi an Oscar for her supporting role in the 1990 movie Ghost, they meant to take it back when she later appeared in Theodore Rex, Monkey Bone, and Rat Race.

“Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Endangered Species Act”

Montana’s Governor Brian Schweitzer informed the White House Wednesday that his state will allow the killing of federally protected gray wolves preying on livestock. The governor insists that there is an even more endangered species to protect; Little Red Riding Hood.

Schweitzer is concerned about a backlash. he doesn't want to be known as the governor who cried wolf.

To protect their cattle herds, some ranchers have had to kill individual wolves, but now some hunters are up to a pack a day.

Teenagers nationwide are asking for special protection at any cost for Taylor Lautner.

“Humans in 'Jeopardy!'”

On Jeopardy!, the computer Watson designed by IBM to play the popular TV trivia game, beat its competitors, past champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on Wednesday’s show. This at least allowed Ken Jennings to maintain the ruse that he is not an android.

Watson’s victory led it to prepare to take over the world, but it was thwarted when Alex Trebek was quick to tell it, “Gort, Klaatu beratta niktu.”

“Making History”

A review by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute, a national, non-profit think tank, says that education standards for U.S. history are only good enough to earn an A or B grade in 10 out of 49 states surveyed. State districts hope to improve with a plan inspired by their own students: cheating.

To improve their curricula, schools are scrambling to quickly find ways to make less history.

The quality of history education has dropped consistently since the 1980’s, right after the Civil War.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

“Glass Action Suit”;_ylt=Ah_hjeDnxDQZVOv8q4x23JBvzwcF;_ylu=X3oDMTJuODY4N3VwBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMjExL3VzX21jZG9uYWxkc19nbGFzcwRwb3MDOQRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA3dvbWFuc3Vlc21jZA--

Last week, a woman sued McDonald's saying she was injured after chewing on a large shard of glass that was inside her spicy McChicken sandwich. And it wasn’t spicy enough.

Experts say what made the shard of glass so dangerous was that it was deep fried.

McDonald’s denies responsibility, saying the woman specifically ordered an Unhappy Meal.

A McDonald’s spokesman said, “We regret the injury to this customer’s mouth, now matter how you slice it.”

The complaint filed in court alleges that the sandwich may have contained a piece of glass from an exploded coffee pot. McDonald’s is being civil enough to not charge the woman for the coffee.

The woman is convinced she will win her case. When you look at the glass, it’s pretty transparent.

Next time, the woman will go to Burger King, where you can have your shard of glass, your way.

“Playboy Mansion Hosts Sick Party”

LA County Health officials say that 170 people who attended a party at the Playboy Mansion have reported symptoms of being ill. They have cold chills, shortness of breath, lack of energy, and general discomfort. Basically, they all caught ‘Being Hugh Hefner;s age.’

“Don’t Take the Subway”

Subway restaurants are being sued by Casey’s General Stores, who are fighting Subway’s claim of ownership to the term “footlong.” This could become a class action suit involving other sandwish makers, hotdog companies, and the estate of Milton Berle.

Not to be outdone, until Quizno’s stops offering a hot 14 inch, they will be haunted by the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain.

In a related story, Jared Fogel still trying to interest anyone he can in his six-inch special.

If Subway loses the case, they plan to pay for their losses by suing every city with an underground rapid public transit system.

“Holy Smoking Gun”

A gun-rights organization is fighting a new law in Georgia prohibiting guns in houses of worship. The organization has the support of several churches, who think trained, licensed gun carriers are good for protecting the congregation, and even better for encouraging donations to the collection plate.

Some churches want the law repealed, saying that guns historically help to get people on their knees, praying.

Some argue that alter boys should always be allowed to carry for self-defense.

If the law is changed, and guns are permitted in church, pastors would be allowed to talk about hell, and could say “brimstone,” but couldn’t yell “fire.”

Traditionally, shooting a gun at something is a great way to make it holy.

“Food for Thought”

A new government study says that eating more fiber could mean a longer life. Unfortunately, you’ll spend all that extra time pooping.

Friday, February 11, 2011

“Family History”

A new testing procedure can determine if a child was born of incest, without needing to test either parent. Though hailed as a medical breakthrough everywhere, it has the entire state of Arkansas terrified.

“Pyramid Topples”

Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak has resigned following 18 days of intense citizen protests, leaving the army in charge. Critics argue that the army’s only prior executive experience is as community organizers.

Egyptians are celebrating the victory of the collective voice of the people, but the thing they are really happy about: getting back on Facebook.

“Checking ID’s”

A new survey found that identity theft in the U.S. dropped last year by 28%. But there was a rise in that exact percentage of Goth kids trying to find their own identity.

“Sumo, Sue Me” ... tion-japan

The Japanese Sumo Association canceled a big tournament in Japan next month as it copes with a match-fixing scandal. Fans had begun to suspect that the matches were fixed when several giant Sumo champions were defeated by Mary-Kate Olsen.

Fixed Sumo wrestling is the sports world's biggest scandal, at least by weight.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"The Donald, the Candidate?"

Donald Trump spoke at the Conservative Political Action Conference, telling the crowd he is seriously considering a run for president in 2012. His plan to improve the economy and lower unemployment is simple: turn America into a reality show.

Trump has the perfect election strategy. He’ll get all the rich people on his side, and then win over poor, single mothers with running mate Bret Michaels.

Vice President Joe Biden called and asked Trump, "If you win in 2012, can I be your Apprentice?"

“Southern Sudan Secession Successful”

Southern Sudan has successfully voted to separate from the rest of Sudan to form its own independent nation. The United Nations will hold a special meeting to make sure one Sudan will have a puppet government controlled by the United States, and the other by China.

To secure their borders, the new Sudanese nation will consult the United States, and then do the opposite of what we do.

Upon hearing the news about the southern part splitting from the rest of the country, former president George W. Bush said, “I just hope Mexico doesn’t start getting any ideas of doing the same thing.”

"Pot Shot"

A new study shows that marijuana use may speed the development of psychosis. Or so says a campaign to revive screenings of Reefer Madness.

"From Mob to Moo" or "Ponzo the Clown"

The FBI found Enrico Ponzo, a New England mobster accused of racketeering and attempted murder who disappeared in 1994, under an assumed identity raising cows in an Idaho ranch town. Rumor is, he was offering the cows “protection.”

He was planning to open a milk speak-easy.

His fake identity and cattle were all part of a Ponzo scheme.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

“Throat Culture” or “Semen Is Believing”

A New Mexico grocery clerk was arrested for giving a woman a yogurt sample that contained semen. The case may be hard to prove, since the police weren’t enthusiastic about collecting another sample.

The clerk had never given free samples before, but was willing to give it a whack.

The clerk’s actions were described by his employer as immature, and by his ex-girlfriend as premature.

When police asked the woman why she ate it in the first place, she said, “So I wouldn’t get pregnant.”

If customers wanted to buy the yogurt after a sample, the clerk gave them a free spooning.

Call me old fashioned, but I think a guy ought to take a girl out a few times before giving her a free yogurt sample.

The clerk may go to prison, where he’ll get a taste of his own medicine.

Rousing suspicion, every time the clerk gave out a free yogurt sample, he always fell asleep right afterwards.

"Evil and Its Lawyer" or "Killer Deal"

Saddam Hussein's former lawyer Giovanni Di Stefano is now representing Charles Manson in a new trial. Manson is optimistic, but only because no one's told him that Saddam was executed by hanging in 2006.

One can only assume Di Stefano’s arrangement is that he gets paid regardless of the outcome.

Di Stefano will not collect any money as a fee, but Satan has promised him eternal life.

"Using 'The Force'"

A Volkswagon Superbowl commercial featuring a young boy pretending to be Darth Vader got over 10 million views within a day of being posted on YouTube. Though the boy's face was never seen, his performance really won fans over. Proving that he wasn't Jake Lloyd.

The boy has really won fans over simply by doing the opposite of the whiny over-acting of Hayden Christensen.

This commercial has forced other automakers to form a Rebel Alliance to try to rid the galaxy of Volkswagon.

Spies for the Rebel Alliance have since discovered that Volkswagon's new models are capable of destroying an entire planet.

"Kelly Ripa Inks New Deal"

Kelly Ripa revealed Monday morning on “Live with Regis and Kelly” that she got a new tattoo. It’s teardrop below her eye, for her dead acting career.

The tattoo is actually on the inside of her wrist. It’s a dotted line of where she’s ready to slash if Regis yells in her face one more time.

Actually, it’s a picture-puppet of Regis over her forefinger and thumb, so she can talk to herself in his voice when he retires.

"Christina Aguilera Fumbles in Super Bowl"

Christina Aguilera, who sang “The Star Spangled Banner” at the Super Bowl on Sunday, mixed up some of the words, incorrectly repeating a line in the song. Her publicist immediately hailed it as the “new, improved” version of our national anthem and put it up for sale on iTunes.

In retrospect, Aguilera wishes she had just stuck with her original plan, a mid-song “wardrobe malfunction.”

"Graphic Depiction"

Georgia Congressman John Lewis has signed a deal to write a graphic novel depicting his experiences in the civil rights movement in the 1960’s. Lewis’ supporters and civil rights advocates were both pleased by the announcement, but not as pleased as comic book fans who prefer the term “graphic novel.”

Lewis’s graphic novel will recount his struggles, such as being beaten by state police on a march through Alabama, and then publishers will spice it up by giving him superpowers.

Now that a sitting Congressman has become a graphic novel author, it has paved the way for Speaker of the House John Boehner to write his own autobiographical graphic novel, Orange-Man, who has the power to blast his enemies with super-human tears.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

“White Sheen” or “Emergency Line”

The 911 call placed from Charlie Sheen’s house on the night he went to the hospital was released Wednesday by the L.A. Fire Department. Apparently, the emergency operator picked up the phone and crack cocaine just started pouring out of it.

The call was placed by Dr. Paul Nassif, while Charlie was on another line. Of cocaine.

While on the phone, Dr. nassid was running around the house trying to find the exact address for the dispatcher. Luckily, EMT’s were able to find the house just by following the trail of white powder.

“Military Briefs”

The Army is experimenting with heavy silk underwear to protect soldiers’ groin areas and abdomens from makeshift land-mines. Operation Silk Underwear was previously the name of the Army’s covert project to rally support for the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

The silk underwear will be issued to soldiers unless they are literally going commando.

"Cuban Miss Old"

A Cuban woman named Juana Bautista de la Candelaria Rodriguez celebrated what she say was her 126th birthday on Wednesday. Family members threw a surprise party to celebrate. The surprise was that she’s alive.

The Guinness Book of World Records does not consider her hometown civil registry documentation of her birth as sufficient evidence to name her the world’s oldest person. Ms. Rodriguez, undaunted, is willing to wait them out.

At 126 she still loves thrill rides, such as rocking chairs and standing up.

"Heavy Losses"

A study from the National institute of Health Research in France says that obesity can damage cognitive functions, and may cause problems such as memory loss. For example, obese people forget to stop eating.

In a related story, Rush Limbaugh read this study but doesn’t remember it at all.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

“Insurance Does Not Equal Justice”

A Florida federal judge struck down President Obama’s health care law Monday, ruling that its requirement for Americans to buy health insurance in unconstitutional. After it was struck down, it got free medical care and now American taxpayers will have to foot the bill.

"Cairo Chaos"

Protesters in Egypt have intensified their demands for the resignation of President Hosni Mubarak since demonstrations began last week. Even overnight, Egyptians have been steadily marching, picketing with signs and banners, and of course, building human pyramids.

Though the Egyptians say they want to elect a new president in a fair election, there is no obvious opposition leader or even a popular candidate known by name. So far, the Egyptians favor either “the guy will the falcon head,” “the guy with the jackal head,” or “the cat-lady.”

"Charlie's Angel"

On Monday, Good Morning America interviewed a porn star who was paid to be at Charlie Sheen’s house and witnessed the cocaine-fueled party that led to putting himself in rehab Friday. She was very open about what she saw and how much money she received to be there. And if there’s one thing that porn stars are good at, it’s opening up.

“CHiPs Are Down”

Larry Wilcox, a former star of the 1970’s hit TV show “CHiPs,” was sentenced to 3 years probation Friday for securities fraud charges. Wilcox was relieved to have received a lighter sentence for his crime. The maximum penalty would have been being forced to still hang out with Erik Estrada.

Wilcox will also have to perform 500 hours of community service. Perhaps patrolling California’s Highways, with an uptempo cool jazz background track…

"Chinese Secret" or

The Wall Street Journal reported that a video of a Chinese air force training exercise actually included carefully edited movie footage from an action sequence in the film Top Gun. When you look closely at the Chinese video, you can tell they aren’t Chinese pilots, because the Top Gun footage is from the beach volleyball scene.

As a result of the training video, Chinese pilots aerial maneuvers have improved and their ground maneuvers have become much more homoerotic.

China hopes that their displays of skill and air power will enable them to hook up with Kelly McGillis.

The Chinese government only did it because the pilots in their training program had lost that lovin' feeling.