Thursday, August 30, 2007

Astronomers have discovered a big hole in the universe, and have no explanation so far for how or why it came to be there. Then they remembered that one day the universe got snagged on the corner of that file cabinet, and the hole probably just grew from there.

The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.

The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.

Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.

Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.

The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.

Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.

Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.

Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

From Today's news: Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007

The late “Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley’s last will and testament was made public today. In it, she left millions of dollars to her brother, 2 of her 4 grandchildren, and a $12 million trust fund to her dog, a female Maltese named Trouble. Wow. What a bitch. The dog, I mean. She’s one lucky little bitch.

David Letterman will make his first appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show next month. Obviously, he is appearing to announce their engagement.

To prove beyond any dispute that their marriage plans are real, Letterman will jump up on the couch to declare his love for Oprah.

During the Miss Teen USA Pageant this week, Miss South Carolina flubbed answering to why a fifth of Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map. Her stammering has since become such a huge YouTube sensation; she has already been recruited as a new White House speech writer.

She grasped at straws, mentioning education in Iraq, South Africa, and Asian countries. More composed this morning on the Today show, she pointed out that since the pageant, she has learned that none of those countries are in North Carolina.

She still won 3rd runner-up, overall. So she doesn’t get the big scholarship money, but has learned from the experience. In the future, everywhere she goes, she will always have cue cards.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

From Today's News (Part 2)

Idaho’s senior Senator, Larry Craig ha spoken out about his arrest and guilty plea for disorderly conduct involving soliciting an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom in June. He says the incident was a misunderstanding. He went into the Men’s room hoping to meet a man who wasn’t a cop.

Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.

Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.

The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.

Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.

Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.

Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.

His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.

Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.

Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?

From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2007

The story broke today that Senator Larry Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct after trying to initiate lewd conduct with an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom back in June. Though the details have finally come out, the senator has not.

The police officer stated that Senator Craig ran his hand under the stall several times, and peeked through the crack in the partition at the officer inside. Maybe he was looking for a campaign contribution.

Senator Craig said he just bent down to pick up a piece of paper, but the officer said there was no paper on the floor. Here, I have to side with the senator. Have you ever seen an airport bathroom where there wasn’t paper on the floor?

The senator had moved his foot into the next stall, touching the officer’s foot with his own. The senator later tried to explain that his foot touched because he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom. Sounds like a pretty big stretch.

Not only is that a terrible defense for a senator, it’s a very disturbing visual. Even if that’s true, that should still warrant an Ethics Committee investigation.

Despite pleading guilty, Senator Craig, a conservative known for voting against same-sex marriages and other gay-rights issues, says he did nothing wrong and that his actions were misinterpreted by the officer. The hunky, hunky officer.

Craig, age 62, is married, has 3 grown children, and 9 grandchildren. Of course, you can learn more details by checking out his profile on

Craig is up for re-election in 2008. Based on this scandal, it is unknown at this point if he plans, in the future, to offer up his seat.

With the guilty plea and the moral blot on his record, Craig’s best strategy to gain support and win reelection is simple: run as a Democrat.

Friday, August 24, 2007

From Today's News: Friday, Aug. 24, 2007

The Big Mac is celebrating it’s 40th anniversary, and is even getting a museum featuring memorabilia, Big Mac-themed exhibits, and a giant statue, 14 feet tall. Aren’t we taking this super-sizing thing a little too far?

The museum restaurant is located in North Huntington, PA. All are welcome whose butts can still fit through the door.

It’s amazing to think that the owner of a Uniontown, PA Micky D’s invented the Big Mac for his franchise in 1967. What’s even more amazing is that he’s still alive!

Today’s Big Mac still uses the same classic recipe from the jingle: 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame seed bun. If that sounds too indulgent to you, you can always take off the lettuce.

Still one of McDonald’s most popular items, the Big Mac contains 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. The Double Quarter Pounder has 740 calories and 42 gram of fat. Or for 99 cents more, they’ll just use a grounding wire to stop your heart for you.

This is why the prize in the new grown-ups’ Happy Meal will be a free pace-maker.

One of the popular attractions at the museum will be a display of Big Mac’s natural enemies: Raw vegetables, low-fat protein alternatives like soy, and of course, a defibrillator.

Why does the Big Mac get a museum? Why doesn’t McDonalds erect a monument to the people whom Big Mac’s have slowly killed?

How about just naming a freeway, bridge, or tunnel after them? They can call it the Clogged Artery.

Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak, who infamously assaulted a romantic rival and wore diapers to drive cross-country and get to her former flame faster, has asked a judge for her ankle monitor be removed. Best compromise: give her a reality show. All the semi-famous do it, the public scrutiny is already there, and the cameras make sure she doesn’t pepper spray anyone. It’s win-win!

Brian May, guitarist from the band Queen, has completed his doctorate in astrophysics at London’s Imperial College. The success of the band forced him to delay his studies more than 30 years. Like any rock star working on proving his astrophysics theories, May is a little spaced out.

His thesis involved proving that the rotation of the earth was affected by the mass of the people on it, particularly women. In other words: fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go ‘round.
In memory of Queen’s lead singer, May wanted a celestial body named after him. From now on, the first planet from the sun will be known as Mercury.

Graco Children’s Products has issued a safety alert regarding certain child car seat models. I didn’t read the story, but based on so many recent recalls, I assume it was made in China, contains lead, and should not be eaten.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007

Lindsay Lohan got a 1day jail sentence as part of a plea bargain on drunk driving and cocaine charges today. One day? Paris Hilton is pissed!

Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.

Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.

Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.

Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.

The job company has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at, eh?

Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.

The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.

The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Today's Oddest News: Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2007

This is the kind of news I am always proud to report. It’s almost too good to be true:
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, in a show called Circus of Horrors, a performer who happens to be a dwarf got his penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner in an act gone wrong. Which leaves one to wonder: what would have been the act gone right?

Wow. A vacuum stuck on a dwarf penis . That sucks-- but only a very little bit.

Adding insult to injury, I heard the vacuum cleaner was just a dust-buster.

I guess some men really do love their machines.

The dwarf was rushed to the hospital, but spectators were in the most immediate danger, as they almost died laughing.

According to eyewitnesses, it was a bagless unit. And so was the vacuum.

En route to the hospital, the dwarf was advised that everything would be best if he didn’t get excited.

Though he was embarrassed, the performer was not seriously injured. It just turns out he’s not half the man he thought he was.

He also wondered if he would be able to perform in the future. Or do his act.

The dwarf kept procrastinating to have the vacuum pulled off, until hospital staff demanded to know, “How long are we going to drag this out?”

Doctors at the hospital were eventually able to remove the vacuum cleaner, but for a while, it was a close shave.

It seems the vacuum cleaner attachment had broken, was glued back together, and then the glue stuck to the dwarf’s anatomy during his (ahem) performance. Had the glue been allowed to try, the vacuum cleaner would have worked fine, but instead, now it’s screwed.

Luckily for all involved, as dramatically as this story began, it ended with no climax.

The dwarf says that he feels the incident actually benefited him, but that might be a stretch.

For this news story, I’d like to thank the vacuum, and the dwarf who had a small part in it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2007

In Oregon, two 13 year old boys were cleared of charges for swatting several same-age girls on the behind at school. Originally the boys faced felony sexual abuse charges. They were suspended from school and spent five days in juvenile detention. Meanwhile, a new law in the town defines “Spin the Bottle” as gang rape.

“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.

Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.

Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.

According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.

There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.

The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.

Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.

China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.

On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!

Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.

In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.

Monday, August 20, 2007

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007

A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.

Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.

Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.

Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.

A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.

Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.

About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.

Friday, August 17, 2007

From Today's news: Friday, Aug. 17, 2007

A Canadian mother gave birth to identical quadruplet girls, it was reported yesterday. No fertility drugs were used by the parents to conceive. And I don’t think they are going to start now.

Four identical baby girls. In your face, Olsen twins!

The National Snow and Ice Data Center reported that sea ice in the Arctic is at it’s lowest level on record, ever. I heard about this and I was shocked. There’s a National Snow and Ice Data Center???

The center is based in Colorado, which makes sense. That’s where most of the national snow and ice is.

My first question about their Arctic findings is, what the hell were they doing there? The Arctic isn’t even part of the nation!

And to all the environmentalists who have been warning about global warming causing a water shortage, here’s the proof that you were wrong. All that melted snow and ice is now water. So bring back the aerosol cans and factory smoke stacks!

On a more serious note, the melting does cause a major chain reaction of events with far reaching consequences. For example, it could be disastrous to the ice fishing industry.

Britney Spears is on the cover of the new Allure magazine out Tuesday, but she stood up the interviewer for the written piece 4 times. So in the issue, you will see a glamorous image on the outside, and nothing at all on the inside. At last, the world will understand her.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007

Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.

So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.

Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.

Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?

Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”

Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.

Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?

Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.

A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?

The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).

This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.

The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.

The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?

A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.

A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.

As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.

The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.

Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.

The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

From Today's Entertainment News: Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007

A court may make Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s divorce and child custody records open to the public and the media. Sadly, these may be the only records of Britney’s the public wants anymore.

Why can’t Brit just leave the tabloid life behind? She could go back to singing, and Federline could go back to… well, I’m sure he could find something to do.

Don Imus and CBS have reached a settlement regarding his contract. The details have not been disclosed, except that neither can disparage each other as part of the agreement. But at least, now Imus can get back to his nappy-headed business.

The Today Show on NBC will start adding another hour to its already 3-hour-daily broadcast, starting next month. At this rate, it will soon become The All-Day Show.

NB's strategy makes sence. They have to do something until Heroes comes back on the air.

Courtney Love will appear on the upcoming cover of Harper’s Bazaar, having recently lost 45 lbs. She talks about dieting and getting her life back together. Because advising others to take heroin and speed don’t sell magazines like they used to.

Courtney has appeared in a lot of magazines under a similar banner, but usually, it’s spelled “Bizarre.”

This is the first time, however, that Courtney Love has been associated with the word Bazaar without it being a description of her clothes, makeup, and behavior.

Monday, August 13, 2007

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 13, 2007

White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove announced today that he is stepping down at the end of this month. President Bush has not yet decided on a replacement, but when he does, out of habit, Rove will leak the name.

The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.

Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.

Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”

Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.

Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.

Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.

The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.

There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.

...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.

In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.

Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.

Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.

Friday, August 10, 2007

From Today's News, Aug. 10, 2007

While surrounded by paparazzi, Britney Spears hit a parked car while parking to do some shopping in Studio City, CA. Wow. Look how far she has to go now, to divert photographers from noticing whether or not she’s wearing underwear.

She left no note and made no attempt to contact the owner of the car she scraped. Maybe she didn’t notice the damage, or maybe she did but thought, “Oh, it’s nothing worth shaving your head over.”

Okay, so she hit a parked car. Give her a break. It’s the only hit she’s had in 3 years.

You know, this little car accident seems to be the perfect analogy for her life on the whole. No, wait. THAT’s a train wreck.

Congress is considering a measure to raise federal tax on cigarettes to $1 a pack. If the tax hike passes, economic experts say that the best way for smokers to save money is to just switch to crack.

A new warning on packs will say; Cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your wealth.

The rise in the cost of cigarettes will have other effects. Prisons have been warned to be on the lookout for counterfeit smokes being used as currency.

As the cost of cigarettes increases, it does become a bigger burden or lower-income smokers, household budgets result in two opposing scenarios: #1, people try to cut down or quit smoking, and #2, Tobacco-whores.

Luciano Pavoratti, who was admitted to a hospital in Italy earlier this week, is still being kept for observation. Through his wife he told reporters he expects to be released in the coming days. Also, she said he’s doing better, ending the conversation on a high note.

Pavoratti has not performed live, publicly since his pancreatic cancer surgery last year, but has continued to work on music recordings. It’s not the same, but it’s his choice how to conduct himself.

The U.S. Army is pulling extra staff into recruitment to try to meet their goal of 80,000 new personnel per year. Most of the people being shifted to recruiting seem optimistic. A spokesman for the department said, “Hey, it beats going to Iraq!”

The army has used successful slogans in the past, such as “Be all you can be.” “Army of one,” and the more recent “Not just strong. Army strong.” Now they’re going to a new one: “Got war?”

Thursday, August 9, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007

The Bush administration said today that they have a new plan to fight Afghanistan’s poppy farming, which contributes to much of the world’s illegal drug trade. This will be a blow for poppy production profiteers like the Taliban insurgency, and, of course, the Wicked Witch of the West.

The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.

One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.

An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.

The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.

The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”

At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!

A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.

Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.

The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 8, 2007

Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 756th home run last night in San Francisco. Now he’s going to Disneyland. Not to celebrate at the park. To get the ball he hit – it landed in Anaheim.

Breaking Hank Aaron’s record is bound to make Bonds popularity shoot up.

You know, love him or hate him, you have to admit, with all the allegations of steroid use, Bonds has really taken a lot of needling.

The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new non-lethal, hand-held weapon. It emits a powerful strobe light, using intense, varied light pulses and colors which can temporarily blind a suspect and cause dizziness, vertigo and nausea. So far, the only side effect has been disco dancing.

Of course, officials would have to be very careful to make sure that the flashlight shaped weapon was not mishandled or abused, say, to make shadow puppets.

Most training for using these light weapons will be limited to just using the Force.

Pope Benedict XVI met this week with Rev. Tadeusz Rydzyk, a controversial, Polish priest who has been accused of making anti-Semitic remarks. Tolerance groups are bothered by the pope meeting with him. Another tolerance group responded, saying, “This isn’t because the guy’s Polish, is it?”

The Vatican has made no official statement , but an inside source says there shouldn’t be much controversy, because the pope isn’t Jewish.

…Or is he? He does like to wear a yarmulke.

A New Zealand couple is giving their baby the name Superman, but only because the government won’t let them legally name him 4Real. It is unknown at this time if either parent is an android or from the planet Krypton.

The parents say they will call the boy 4Real even if the government won’t acknowledge that as his name. Their resolve was universally applauded by school bullies who can hardly wait.

Whether they call him Superman or 4Real, the important thing is that he has two parents who obviously were never allowed to have a pet when they were kids.

New Zealand’s Department of Internal Affairs, which operates the name registry, may just decide that there is a precedent that the baby Superman is better off in the foster care of Jonathan and Martha Kent of Smallville, Kansas.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 7, 2007

Van Halen plans to announce a schedule for a 50-date reunion tour next week, with original singer David Lee Roth. Do they really think they are going to get along on the road after all these years? All I can say is: I smell Reality Show written all over this.

Chinese state media reported that because of working conditions and pollution, city traffic police have an average life expectancy of only 43 years. Shocking as this is, because of strict Chinese laws, by 2012, this life expectancy will be mandatory.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a Utah rehab facility. This is just the first leg of what is sure to be her multi-city, 2007 “Private, Personal Matter” summer tour.

In Germany, A 59-year old woman who had lived with a pencil lodged in her head since a childhood accident has finally had most of it removed. She wanted to preserve her thoughts about the pencil's removal after the surgery, but ironically, she didn’t have anything to write with.

She suffered for 55 years with this unusual condition. She would get headaches, nosebleeds, plus, every time she nodded her head she erased something.

Previous attempts to shave down the pencil had been unsuccessful, but it did result in her other senses being sharpened.

She should fully recover from the surgery soon. In the meantime, she still feels like Number 2.

Monday, August 6, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 6, 2007

President Bush said today that he is confident that Pakistan will help bring al-Qaeda terrorists there to justice if there is good intelligence as to where they are hiding. If al-Qaeda members can’t be found, Bush said, we’ll just have to get some gooder intelligence.

In El Paso, Texas yesterday, a 71-year-old woman’s Ford Ranger went over a cliff, falling 150 feet. Miraculously, she received only minor injuries. It was several hours before she was found because she didn’t have her cell phone. There’s Murphy’s Law, huh?

The woman may have set a world record. Not for surviving the fall. For being the first civilian to ever drop an airborne Ranger.

In fact, surviving a 150-foot fall to the ground in a pick-up truck is so unbelievable, it has already been bought as a plotline for next season on Desperate Housewives.

A group of young children in a Stanford University study thought food wrapped in McDonald’s packaging tasted better than the exact same plain-wrapped foods. Children were recruited by calling it a “Happy Study,” which comes with games and puzzles on the application and a free toy at the end.

Incidentally, the children’s parents were shown TV commercials that tricked them into thinking that any movie ever made by Disney was worth owning on DVD.

The FDA approved the use of a new drug for HIV patients to prevent or slow the onset of AIDS. Early concerns are the side effects, as the drug can cause liver damage, heart problems, and, ironically, AIDS.

The new edition of the Journal of Pediatrics says that videos aimed at babies may actually slow their progress in speech. The research may be wrong. I mean, I watched videos when I was a baby and I can say…a lot of… words that… mean… stuff.

In the small country of Estonia, police pulled over a driver whom they thought was drunk, and discovered he was blind. They immediately arrested the man. I bet he never saw that coming.

How did this guy expect to be able to drive? Opent eh car door and use his hand to feel the bumps on the road?

Police became suspicious when they saw the white cane sticking out of the driver's window.

The cops asked him why he was the one driving the car, and the man said it was beause he needed the seeing-eye-dog to read the map.

The driver is already out of jail because he was able to post Braille.

Friday, August 3, 2007

From Today's News: 8/03/07

The FBI has announced a new employment standard where they are lowering the standard for past drug use to make more applicants eligible to get jobs. Bottom line: the FBI is putting the "high" back in "hiring."

The new policy in more tolerant of past marijuana usage. How tolerant? Let me put it this way: Introducing, Special Agent Tommy Chong.

This changes FBI self defense training. Now, if someone tries to hit an agent with a blunt object, they are trained to smoke the blunt and take the object.

This changes other things. Have you seen the pictures on the FBI's new Most Wanted list: Pizza, Cheeto's, Taco Bell...

A 78-year-old Florida man who happens to be named Harry Potter has been bombarded with phone calls since the new Potter movie and book came out. Fans want to ask him about wizards and magic, but he just wants to be left alone. So I'm going to call him and suggest that he just use his Invisibility Cloak and disappear for a while.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

From Today's News, Aug. 2, 2007:

In the wake of the dramatic bridge collapse in Minneapolis today, President Bush has said that the federal government would help ensure the rebuilding of the bridge. This is a first for Bush. As we've seen with Congress and in Europe, he usually burns bridges.

In an amazing story, a man in a low conscious state since 1999 has started to speak following an experimental procedure to stimulate his brain with electrodes. See, in my cynicism, when I read the headline, "Man spoke for the first time in 8 years," I assumed he was just married.

In Australia, a 94-year-old woman just became the world's oldest person to earn a Masters degree. Her postgraduate work followed her anthropology studies, where she had an unfair advantage over other students by having personally known the people being studied.

She began her postgraduate program at the age of 90. People ask how did she do it. Isn't it obvious? Athletic scholarship.

Her Masters is in Medical Science. It's strange to think that if she had begun her medical studies as a young woman, the only supplies she would have had to buy in order to graduate were some leeches and a saw.

Let's face it, 94 is old. She was the only student who referred to her left hip as her spring break.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Weekly News Daily

Studies have shown that News happens regularly. Sometimes even more than once a day, depending on the area you live in and who you know.

This is a humorous look at everything from world-shaping events, like Lindsay Lohan re-entering or re-escaping from rehab; to minor, amusing odds and ends, like war and global politics.

The issues that face the world need to be addressed, or at least dismissed, with a little laughter.

My intent is not necessarily to inform the masses or to sway public opinion, although it would be nice if everyone would just agree with me all the time. The point is, I am here to hold up a big magnifying glass to absurdity, hypocracy, and if I'm lucky, smaller magnifying glasses. That would be cool.

I hope you enjoy the content, assuming I generate some. It would be a shame if all that news kept happening for nothing.