Friday, October 29, 2010

“Prints of the School”

A San Diego area school district will begin testing finger-print scanners on school buses to make sure young students get off at the correct stops. The goal is to make school bus rides and stops even slower.

This teaches children an important lesson about the advancements in technology: It can do everything for you, so you don’t even need to learn your own address.

“Deep, Deep Trouble”

Haliburton admitted Thursday that they skipped performing a critical test on the cement mix used to seal the BP oil well before it blew out, causing the Gulf spill disaster. Since the spill happened, Haliburton executives have spent much time congratulating each other on the high level of evil they have achieved.

Said a Haliburton rep, “Buwa Ha Ha Ha Ha hHa Ha…”

Haliburton’s admission only came following a Chevron test proving the cement mix was unstable. However, BP had ignored Haliburton’s recommendation to use more centralizers to aid in cement bonding. Both Halibuton and BP should have known what was needed to stabilize the under-sea well, 3 miles down, since both entities come from the depths of Hell.

“The TSA Is Very Hands-On”

The Transportation Security Administration is changing the way they conduct airport passenger pat-down procedures. Screeners are changing from a patting to more of a hand-sliding motion. To make this more comfortable, all airports will pipe in Barry White music over the PA system.

Passengers who are suspected of carrying anything dangerous will be taken out of the line to be questioned and/or searched. Passengers who pass the point of the pat-down will get flowers and a call for a second date.

“Survey Says”

A survey by the Pentagon finds that most U.S. military personnel aren’t bothered by the idea of gays serving. Especially the gay ones already serving.

The survey consisted of 103 questions and included over 400,000 active personnel, who were asked, and then told.

“Transforming Television”

The Transformers will be coming back to TV in a new CG animated series called Transformers: Prime. It will feature well known and new characters. In the show, robots from another planet turn into vehicles who then turn into huge amounts of money.

“Cycle Testing”

A study by the American Society for Reproductive medicine presented an MRI study this week that shows that hormones triggered by the stages of women’s menstrual cycles affect their emotional responses. Said a spokesperson: “Anyone can claim they have PMS, but proving it… is a bitch.”

The study was conducted on women at various stages of their monthly cycle by men who were smart enough to just shut the hell up.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


A Brazilian court ordered McDonald’s to pay $17,500 to a former manager who gained 65 lbs. over 12 years of sample food for quality plus the benefit of free lunches. The man hasn’t said how he’ll spend the money, but now he hopes to get hired as the manager of a gym.

“Cops Shoot First, Review Footage Later”

Police are mounting new video-cameras onto Tasers to make sure the stun weapons are not misused. Cops are worried that they won’t be able to draw the weapons until someone yells, “Action.”

Conversely, some cops my abuse the Taser Cams by insisting that a second or third take was needed for creative reasons.

Experts say that either crime will go down because of the Taser deterrent, or else all Taser stuns are going to go viral on YouTube.

Some critics have said that Tasers ‘ use amounts to excessive force, and even worse, the video from them lacks any sense of theme, visual storytelling, or character development.

“Mariah’s Carrying”

Mariah Carey announced that she and husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby. Carey is having an assistant hold up her stomach until she can hire a nanny to do it.

Being pregnant seems to agree with her. Mariah said, “I already can’t wait to give all my love and nurturing to my wonderful new album – I mean baby.”

“James Cameron: Avatard”
James Cameron announced Wednesday that he will make 2 sequels to his blockbuster movie Avatar, with the first to be planned for a 2014 release. Now Cameron just has to decide which to Kevin Costner movies to base them on.

Easy money is that Bull Durham becomes Pandurham.

“Collection HomePlate”

In Baltimore, an order of nuns inherited an antique Pittsburgh Pirates baseball card expected to fetch at least $150,000 at auction. In honor of the card, the nuns will trade in their rulers and start hitting school children with bats.

“Rubbing It In”
Researchers’ clinical trial results say that a once-a-day contraceptive gel could replace the birth control pill in 5 years. All women have to do is apply it to their skin. Said a skeptic, “Ah, there’s the rub.”

The gel only needs to be applied to the woman’s abdomen, legs, arms, or shoulders, which is easy for her to do herself. A man could do it for her, but he won’t be interested since it might seem like foreplay.

“Knee Cap”
On Tuesday, a Colorado man shots himself in the knee while sleepwalking in the middle of the night. The man was arrested as part of a sleeper cell.

The Sandman was then arrested as an accessory.

The man had taken prescription pain medication and then fallen asleep. The his gun was loaded, and needless to say, so was he.

The guy wasn’t too bright. He didn’t think he could shoot his leg because it was a hand gun.

Police say they believe the man’s sleepwalking story, but it isn’t bulletproof.

It just goes to show that if you think it’s safe to keep an unsecured, loaded gun in the house, you must be dreaming.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

“Dope Donation”

Billionaire investor George Soros is donating $1 million towards support for California’s Proposition 19, which would legalize growing and possession of marijuana. Soros doesn’t mind donating the money, which he says he only would have blown on pizza, Doritos and Big Gulps, anyway.

Soros’ donation is going to be used to generate high awareness.

Asked about what the vote means in terms of economics, raising tax money, and better use of law enforcement resources, Soros said nothing but kept giggling uncontrollably.

“Chinese Fortune”

In China, a 10-year old boy who fell out of a 20th floor window miraculously survived with no fractures. The odds of surviving were in his favor, since he had a one-in-a-billion chance.

The boy’s name was not released, but he was described as being short and slender, with straight black hair and brown eyes.

All of China was concerned when they heard about the child’s fall. At least, once they learned that it was a boy.

The Chinese government will help nurse the boy back to health, and then immediately force him to begin training as an Olympic pole-vaulter.

“Hokey Smokes!”

Cartoon artist Alexander Anderson Jr., creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle, has died at the age of 90. Fans suspect foul play by Boris and Natasha.

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle was made as a movie in the year 2000, starring Jason Alexander, Rene Russo, and Robert De Niro. Incredibly, Anderson survived that.

“Drug Co. to Pay Sick Fines”

The British drug company GlaxoSmithKline will pay $750 million in criminal fines and civil damages for selling 20 different medications they knew to be tainted or ineffective. In a statement they said they were sorry, but that’s a hard pill to swallow.

To try to make up for the problems they caused, the company said they would be willing to take back any unused pills and replace them with free placebos.

The company seemed a little uncaring. Not only did their drugs not work, but just for their own amusement, they directed customers to take oral meds as suppositories.

Monday, October 25, 2010

“Bugging Out”

A Lansing man stuffed 16 live cockroaches into his mouth to break a Guinness world record and raise money for charity. The charity helps people stupid enough to shove bugs in their mouths.

Besides setting a world record, the event also provided solid proof that not everyone needs to have a hobby.

The cockroaches were not harmed in the stunt, but even they were grossed out.

The roaches were not eaten, but each of them counts their participation as having received oral.

“Jumping the Shark”

Three Southern California beaches that closed due to a shark attack last week reopened Monday. Though some surfers are leery about returning, many die-hards were there to resume their passion, first thing, Monday morning. In particular, lifeguards are seeing a lot more surfing sharks.

Hoping to use the recent publicity to lure tourists, one of the spots has been re-named "Shark Attack Beach."

“Big Rigs’ New Rules”

The White House has proposed new rules for fuel economy by big rigs, buses, and heavy-duty pick-up trucks starting in 2014. This shows great optimism by the Obama administration, in that they expect American industry, shipping, and travel to somehow survive the next 3 years.

“A Bite out of the Big Apple”

A continuous threat of bed bugs is causing tourists to cancel trips to New York City. Still, the hotels are short on space, because, as everyone knows, bugs check in, but they don't check out.

Hotel companies want tourists to know that the whole bedbug scare was just an elaborate urban myth they started themselves, to scare off Randy Quaid.

Friday, October 22, 2010

"Doc Oc" or “The More the Merrier”

It was discovered that the Octomom’s fertility doctor implanted her with twelve embryos. Because 13 might have been morally questionable.

The doctor implanted 12, but apparently, it turned out she could only afford to pay for eight.

The doctor doesn't work in the field of fertility anymore, because he is clearly over-qualified.

“Heart Attack Be Dammed”

On Tuesday, Jean Claude Van Damme suffered a minor heart attack on the set of his new movie. It was preceded by superior heart attacks by Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. Then followed by a copycat heart attack by Steven Segal and a cheaper one by Dolph Lundgren.

His brush with mortality will inspire his next project, where he will fight a cruel villian named Cholesterol.

Van Damme’s new movie is called Weapon. Its sequel will be called Defibrillator.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

“Mummy Takes a Ride” or “Carcophagus ”
Orange County police discovered the mummified corpse of a homeless woman who had been kept in the passenger seat of a car still being driven for months since her death. Apparently, the driver just wanted to put “new car smell” to the test.

It sounds creepy that the driver just kept using the car with the dead woman’s body sitting in the passenger seat, but it got even creepier when they did a Chinese fire drill.

The driver says she was afraid to tell police about the woman’s death when it happened and left her there until her body withered to a 30-lb.over the next several months, but she wasn’t going to leave it there forever. When it shrunk small enough, the driver was going to hang the body from her rear-view mirror.

The driver hasn’t been charged with any crime, and won’t be unless it can be proven that she used the corpse to illegally use the carpool lane.

Even though the discovery of a dead person was involved, police say they might bring charges but they might not, based on the legal precedent of maybe-us corpus.
Bob Guccione, the founder of Penthouse magazine has died of lung cancer at the age of 79. This means that the winner is Hugh Hefner. Congratulations, Hef.

Guccione wrote a letter about the end of life to be published in Penthouse upon his death. It begins, “Dear Penthouse, I never though that this would happen to me…”

“Signs of the Times”
The Federal Highway Administration is requiring all cities and towns to replace street signs with all capital letters with upper and lowercase signs by the year 2015. The problem with the all-caps signs is that everyone thinks their GPS satellite photos are yelling at them.

This new government regulation may be irrelevant. Not only are many towns too cash-strapped to make new signs, it’s expected that by 2015, everyone in America will be illiterate anyway.

The government says they want to make the signs easier for everyone to read. Kids in public schools were hoping that would mean all streets would just get shorter names.

“Harry Pots and Pans”
A Harry Potter Cookbook was released this week, so would-be wizards and witches can try out 150 recipes inspired by the JK Rowling’s world of magic at Hogwarts. Because you’d better learn to cook if you’re never going to be asked out on a date.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

“Woods Up”

Tiger Woods said in a news conference Monday that he is finding peace in his personal life. Unlike, when he was married, and he was only getting that piece on the side.


In Seattle, Starbucks has opened its new prototype café that serves regional beer and wines. Customers say the atmosphere is cool, but the beer is too hot and the wine tastes burned.

The new business model could really be a hit with people who already like to hang out at Starbucks, especially, because now they don’t have to get drunk before they come to Starbucks.

The prices for beer and wine are high, but the whipped cream on top is free.

"How Is Mel Gibson Acting?"

Mel Gibson is reported to have a cameo role in the upcoming sequel, The Hangover 2. Mel will take the place of the vicious, snarling tiger from the first film.

Mel’s understanding of the story is that the gang wakes up after a wild weekend, but their memories of it are completely blacked out by a conspiracy by the Jews.

Mel actually doesn’t care what religion the screenwriter is, because he considers everything a Jewish plot.

The movie will really be an acting challenge for Gibson. On the set, between takes, he has to act normal.

Known to be a method actor, while shooting Mel may actually have a hangover.

Mel is expected to behave on set, because this time, he will be aware that he is being recorded.

Gibson is glad to be in the cast, instead of threatening to put someone else in one.

Mel’s alleged fee to appear in the movie: He will get no money, but someone has to bl*w him in a Jacuzzi. Or get punched in the face.

Friday, October 15, 2010

“Stripped of Cash”

A man who got licked in the face by a high heeled dancer in a Florida strip club was awarded a $650,000 settlement over injuries he received, including a broken nose. The man asked if he could get all the money in singles.

At the time of the incident, the stripper behaved like a true professional. She still expected a tip.

The man’s lawyer gets 50% of the settlement plus a lap dance.

Poor guy. Not only did he receive injuries to his nose and eye, now he gets flashbacks whenever he hears Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U.” (or Lady Gaga?)

“Grand Climb” or “What You Can’t See Can Hurt You”

Over a 17-hour step-by-step trek, a group of 13 blind hikers were successfully guided along 23 miles of a rocky trail from the bottom of the Grand Canyon to the summit of the South Rim. Or so they were told. (Wink.)

They used guides because the seeing eye dogs took one look down and said "no way."

“Museum Strikes Final Chord”

The Libarace Museum in Las Vegas is closing its doors after 31 years. Liberace, who died in 1987 is best remembered for his glitzy, outlandish costumes and flamboyant style while tickling the ivories. But he also played the piano.

The museum’s goal was to not close until one straight men paid for entry. In other words, they wanted to stay open forever.

“Quality Air”

For 3 years in a row, a travel magazine poll has named Virgin American as the nation’s best airline. Proving image beats service, the worst ranked airline was Slutty American.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

“Mine Over Matter” or “Mine Matter Over”

Now that the Chilean miners have been rescued, they are contemplating their next moves in career, including what their sudden fame may bring their way. For example, many are being consulted about the U.S. federal deficit, since they are now experts at miraculously escaping from a frighteningly deep hole.

These 33 men have been recognized as heroes and have become beloved by everyone in the world. Except for 7 very jealous, bearded dwarfs.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Rule, Don’t Judge”

The Pentagon is seeking to delay the enforcement of a federal judge’s ruling “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” unconstitutional earlier this week. The Justice Department has said that before anyone is outed as gay, they want a chance to come out to their parents, first.

The government said Thursday that ending the ban on openly gay service members “would be disruptive and harmful to the strength and effectiveness of the U.S. military.” The thing they point to that would hurt out troops in action the most: rainbow camouflage.

“The Pink House”

On Thursday, The White House had tinted lights set around it to make it look pink in recognition of October as Breast Cancer Awareness month. Or, with “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” finally being challenged, maybe President Obama is trying to tell everyone he is gay.

Some advocates wanted to bathe the Capitol building in pink light as well, but the dome would look like a giant breast, and everyone already thinks of Congress as a bunch of boobs.

“Measured by Volume” or “Heigl Gets into Hot Water”

Neighbors called police with a noise complaint about Katherine Heigl and her husband Josh Kelly Tuesday night as the 2 enjoyed some time in the hot tub at their home. Heigl blamed the noise on writers giving her scripts that were too loud and not award-worthy.

The scene was just like something out of one of her romantic comedy movies. In other words, it wasn’t funny.

“Smut Stop” or “Nix the XXX”

All the largest adult film companies in California have halted production pending the outcome of testing of all sex partners of an adult film actor who tested positive for HIV this week. While they are waiting, the porn actors are passing the time sharing heroin needles.

Apart from the results of HIV tests, the porn industry is looking for more information on this potential crisis and are expected to do some extensive probing.

Despite the seeming solidarity in the stoppage of work across the porn industry, there has been no stop in the viewing of it.

Porn companies have been criticized for health risks over the lack of condom use. Some companies do have their actors use condoms, but that doesn’t mean they get off any easier.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

“Women Heart Hormones”

A new study suggests that the male hormone testosterone may help to improve the health of women suffering from heart failure. The use of the hormone may improve the heart’s ability to pump blood through a woman’s body, especially to her penis.

Doctors say that the use of testosterone by women would have only minor side effects, such as low sperm count.

“Speaking, Chinese”

Elder members of China’s Communist party issued a statement favoring greater freedom of speech, or so Chinese media were forced to report without confirming.

“Race against Time”

The National Center for Health Statistics said that on average, Hispanics live longer than White or Black people. Commented a Republican, “Great. That means Mexicans can afford to just wait until we die, and then illegally cross the border into the U.S.

As a result, thousands of nervous Black and White senior citizens are enrolling in Spanish classes.

Asians were not included in the study. Asked why, the NCHS said, “Someone had to stay in the lab and do the math.”

“Miner Victory”

The 33 Chilean miners who were trapped underground for 69 days are being pulled to the surface one at a time in a 1-man-capsule lowered through more than 2000 feet of solid rock . Each nearly half-mile trip took 20 to 30 minutes. The success and speed of the operation has Californians begging for the I-405 freeway to be replaced by 1-person capsules.

“Screen Tests Positive” or “Pornus Interuptus”

An unidentified adult film actor tested positive for HIV, resulting in efforts to inform all possible sex partners of that person so they can be tested. All the women in the porn business are said to be taking it really hard.

Since HIV is the cause of AIDS, this could be a matter of life and death. Thinking about that is causing many porn stars to wax philosophically.

Health officials say the lack of condom use in the adult film use creates unnecessary risk. Many in the porn industry say their audience dislikes seeing condoms on the actors. Still, if lives are at risk, audiences may hope that porn actors are willing to change their position.

This unsettling news toppled what had been the saddest and most disturbing factor in the porn industry: the acting.

5 adult film companies have halted filming as a precaution. No agency forced them to, they voluntarily withdrew.

The stop in porn production may have financial consequences for the porn industry, but so far it has been anti-climatic.

Industry insiders hope the production stall won’t affect their bottom line.

While the bigger companies have officially stopped production, there may be some independents involved in back-door deals.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

“Disarmed Forces” or "Uniform Decision"

A federal judge issued an injunction to stop the military’s enforcement of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” ruling that it violated self-incrimination rights guaranteed under the Fifth Amendment. As a result, the “Marine’s Hymn” will now be known and the “Marine’s Him and Him.”

Finally free to come out are wrestling icon Sgt. Slaughter, Superman’s nemesis Gen. Zod, KFC’s Col. Sanders, and the entire G.I. Joe team.

“Richter Sale”

It was confirmed Tuesday that Andy Richter will appear as Conan O’Brien’s sidekick his new TBS talk show debuting November 8th. Just like on The Tonight Show, Andy will be the announcer, appear in sketches with Conan, and gets his own mattress to sleep on in a corner of Conan’s dressing room.

Conan offered Andy the job once Andy slashed Jay Leno’s tires.
-all 400 of them.


On Friday, some Walmart locations will begin selling the iPad, but will not offer it at a discount price. Walmart hopes customers will still feel like they are getting better deal just by being in a place with fluorescent lights, a funny smell, and a crowded atmosphere.

Walmart is counting on their available variety of iPads being a selling point. The choices are: Opened, Scratched or Broken.


Hollywood power couple Courtney Cox and David Arquette are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Apparently, they got bored with each other just 5 years after the rest of America got bored with them.

The two met on the set of the 1995 movie Scream, and it’s been a combination of horror and horror parody ever since.

“Book ‘Em”

At a rally in Philadelphia Saturday, a man threw a book onto the stage where President Obama was standing, narrowly missing him. Fox News reported the event as Obama refusing to read what was right in front of him.

“Bike-By Shooting”

A man riding past an Orange County home on a bicycle fired 4 gunshots as he passed the house Sunday night. None of the bullets hit anyone, leading police to believe the shooter must have also been texting at the time.

Analysts say that this is a sign of how bad the economy has gotten: even drive-by shooters can’t afford a car.

Police are investigating the incident to see if it is gang-related. Specifically they are checking out biker gangs.

Or, since it was a bicycle, a chain gang.

If he is a gang banger and is selling drugs, that’s how police will catch him. You can hide heroin or coke in your glove compartment, but not in the basket clamped onto your handlebars.

Police hope to catch the suspect and are shifting into high gear.

Maybe the shooter is an environmentalist gang-banger. His gang color is green.

Friday, October 8, 2010

October 8

“Plan Bee”

At a Florida airport, thousands of bees were found trying to nest on the wing of a plane. The FAA is demanding an answer the question, "How did they get their stingers through security?"

The bees are being carefully watched, because if they produce more than 4 ounces of honey it will be confiscated and disposed of.

The bees were last seen grabbing two beers and yelling "I quit,” over the PA system.

“No-Beller Prize”

The 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner is Liu Xiaobo, who is in a Chinese prison for campaigning for political reform in that country. In prison, Liu calls for peaceful political change, but can’t do anything. Last year’s winner was President Obama, who also called for change, but then also can’t seem to do anything.

Vice president Joe Biden was upset. Since Obama got the Nobel last year, Biden figured he should have had it in the bag this year.

“Dangerous Games”

Author Salman Rushdie has a new book out this week, Luka and the Fire of Life. Rushdie says the novel was inspired by video game adventures, and for this Zelda, Lara Kroft, and the Mario Brothers have already called for his death.

Rushdie says he will now go back into hiding, which is what he calls The World of Warcraft.

“See Rick Run… at the Mouth”

In an interview on Good Morning America, former CNN host Rick Sanchez admitted that he “screwed up” by making comments criticizing Jon Stewart and making thinly veiled references to Jewish people “running the media.” Hoping to be re-hired in television, Sanchez has apologized, is brushing up his resume, and plans to learn ass-kissing phrases in Yiddish.

Jokes 10.08.10

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“Piercing Stare”

A North Carolina teen was readmitted to her high school following a suspension over her refusal to remove a nose piercing, which she says she wears as a member of the Church of Body Modification, an organization supporting all types of tattoo and body-piercing forms of expression. No one is sure how the church got their hooks into her.

The girl has been suspended 4 times, missing 21 days of school. Said the vice-principal: “Besides her nose piecing, she also has a big holes in her attendance record. Good luck getting a good job with THAT.”

“Dora Mighty Sor-a”

Caitlin Sanchez, the teen actress who voices Dora the Explorer is suing Nickelodeon, saying the kids network owes her million of dollars for reruns, DVD sales, merchandise, and more. The network says they don’t have the money – it was stolen by Swiper the Fox.

She’s also suing Backpack for unwanted physical contact on the set.

Meanwhile, he sidekick Boots is tired of being treated like a performing monkey.

October 7

“Protection Racket”

A sex survey released this week found that Black and Latino men are more likely to use condoms during intercourse than white men. In some cases, white men’s unwillingness to wear condoms is forcing them to think outside the box.

The survey has been applauded for being the largest and most extensive of its kind conducted in years, proving size does matter.

“McDonald’s Is Sick”

McDonald’s is among 30 companies granted waiver protecting them from new government requirements to increase health coverage for part-time and low-wage employees. Looks like Grimace isn’t going to get that lap-band surgery after all.

McDonald’s executives claim none of their employees will try to get insurance coverage because there is no button with a picture of healthcare on the cash register.

To dodge employee complaints, McDonalds will have all their part-timers go through the drive through and then they will just lie to them and tell them that their health care is in the bottom of the bag so they’ll drive away.

It’s not like the company wants people to be sick or in pain. They have made it clear they don’t want anyone to hurt… their bottom line.

McDonald’s will protect their public image by changing the use of the term “health coverage” to mean the plastic gloves employees have to wear when handling food.

“The Gem and I” or “The Rock”

A rare pink diamond weighing 24.78 carats will be sold at auction by Sotheby’s for an unidentified owner, with an expected selling price between $27 and $38 million. For $27 million you get just the stone, but for $38 million they throw in the hilarious slapstick antics of its sole guardian, Inspector Cluseau.

“FDA Approved”

The FDA is set to spend $25 million next year to update its scientific tools to make testing and approving more accurate and efficient. The scientific tools they have been using to test food and medicines: a fork, spoon, and glass of water.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

“Kennedy’s Shot”

Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy, son of Ted Kennedy, is writing a book about his life. The book will contain no footnotes, since technically, Patrick is one.

In his book, the younger Kennedy will discuss his struggles with depression, alcoholism and drug addiction, and how he was able to overcome them by sheer wealth, power, fame, and riding on his family name.

“Apple Cutting the Cord”

Verizon Wireless will begin selling Apple’s iPhone starting in 2011. Up until now, AT&T has been the only U.S. carrier connected to Apple for distribution of the popular device, but ironically, AT&T can’t seem to hold the connection.

“Town Has Reservations”

Students in a small Wisconsin town are getting new name for their high school’s team mascot, formerly the Indians. Town residents elected to change the name and logo to something that didn’t reflect an offensive racial stereotype. The teams’ new name will be the Savage Native Americans.

Suspiciously, a certain group wants the town to retain the old name. That group is made up of the town’s veterinarians, IT experts, and convenience store owners.

“Cheers and Leers"

The cheerleaders of a Bridgeport, CT cheer squad have complained to the Board of Education that their uniforms show too much skin. The cheerleaders said, "Uniforms that are too skimpy don’t portray the image we want as effective c***-teases."

The cheerleaders say that they want more coverage in their uniforms. Leading their efforts, of course, are the fatties.

If the old uniforms are discarded, they will be donated to charity. And by “charity,” they mean housewives trying to spice things up in the bedroom.

“Executive Power”

President Obama has ordered that solar panels be put on the roof of the White House by this spring. It may not make a difference, though, since financial forecasters say the U.S. may not see a sunny day again for years.

By making the White House more eco-friendly, Obama hopes to make Sarah Palin less interested in occupying it.

“Lean Meet”

MSNBC has unveiled a new tagline, "Lean Forward," designed to reflect its identity as the news channel of choice for progressives and liberals. In response, FOX News is changing their tagline to "Lean Back... to the 1950s."

“Survey Says…”

According to an extensive new sex survey, American men are not as good at giving women orgasms as they think they are. In a related story, women can have orgasms?

“’You’ Who?”

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donell has a new TV campaign ad in which her message to voters is, “I’m you,” repeatedly implying she’s just like you. Except she doesn’t masturbate.